Chatological Humor: UPDATED 2.1.08

Fake It Till You Make It. Or While You Make It.

DAILY UPDATES: 1.30.08 | 1.31.08 | 2.1.08

Gene Weingarten's humor column, Below the Beltway, appears every Sunday in The Washington Post magazine. It is syndicated nationally by the Washington Post Writers Group.

At one time or another, Below the Beltway has managed to offend persons of both sexes as well as individuals belonging to every religious, ethnic, regional, political and socioeconomic group. If you know of a group we have missed, please write in and the situation will be promptly rectified. "Rectified" is a funny word.

On Tuesdays at noon, Gene is online to take your questions and abuse. He will chat about anything. Although this chat is updated regularly throughout the week, it is not and never will be a "blog," even though many persons keep making that mistake. One reason for the confusion is the Underpants Paradox: Blogs, like underpants, contain "threads," whereas this chat contains no "threads" but, like underpants, does sometimes get funky and inexcusable.

This Week's Poll: MEN| WOMEN

Important, secret note to readers: The management of The Washington Post apparently does not know this chat exists, or it would have been shut down long ago. Please do not tell them. Thank you.

Weingarten is also the author of "The Hypochondriac's Guide to Life. And Death" and co-author of "I'm with Stupid," with feminist scholar Gina Barreca.

New to Chatological Humor? Read the FAQ.

P.S. If composing your questions in Microsoft Word please turn off the Smart Quotes functionality. I haven't the time to edit them out. -- Liz

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Gene Weingarten: Good afternoon.

No, folks, thanks for asking (and wondering what the big deal was about), but my column on Sunday was not the entire story I had been planning to write about The Mystery Method. That column was 750 words. The cover story was to be 7,500 words. The Post permitted me to salvage this condensed version without making me blow The Don's cover. (And, no, it's not hypocrisy or double standards; the situation is different. This is merely a humor column, not a serious and comprehensive look at the seduction phenomenon, which, my editors ruled, would have compelled a full disclosure of the identity of the instructor.)

I got an e-mail yesterday from one of the two lovely and courageous young women who conspired with me to pull a sting on The Don by planting seemingly spontaneous kisses upon my lips. In an interesting irony, she gently chided me for NOT using her name in the column. So, I am now giving credit where credit is due: The two supercool women who, in order to put some misogynists in their place, submitted to the ordeal of a smooch from me were Emily Wolf and Mandy Amphoux.

When I told The Don that I thought I could get some hot woman to kiss me within three minutes, he smiled and said, "You haven't planted your wife here or something, have you?" And I told him, completely truthfully if not quite completely: "I solemnly swear I've never seen any of the women in this bar before tonight."

The whole evening was a majorly strange experience for me, beginning with the fact that before I left the house, for the first time in nearly 30 years, I took off my wedding ring for strategic purposes.

I feel free to relay one anecdote from that night, because it was not going to be in the longer story, anyway:

I had decided that I was going to actually try out the Mystery Method technique on at least one group of women (hot women, we were informed, are ALWAYS in groups of two or more, which turned out to be true), to see what happened. And then, at the last minute, I ... could ... not ... bring ... myself ... to ... do ... it.

Emboldened by the fact that I was a journalist doing his job, I have willed myself in the past to do all sorts of scary or difficult or humiliating things. I have coolly interviewed heads of government and industry while pretending to be an informed adult. I have walked really dangerous streets in search of drug dealers who would talk to me. I have flown into the jungles of Columbia in a rickety plane. I have attended autopsies. I have been to whorehouses. But I could not bring myself, EVEN FOR A STORY, to walk up to young women I did not know and throw out a bunch of lines written by someone else, reporting events that had never occurred, followed by touching of bodies and more lines written by someone else about events that had never occurred. I couldn't do it.

The Mystery Method involves hooking the women at the beginning with an intriguing, time-tested question or observation; then to create a "false time constraint" suggesting you have to leave soon, so they don't feel hit on; and finally to entertain them with a canned "routine" that establishes you are an interesting guy. NOTHING is spontaneous, and NOTHING has anything to do with who you really are.

What I decided to do was to improvise: I used the idea of the Mystery Method without the lies.

So, I approached a group of four gorgeous women and said, (opening question) "I'm sorry to bother you, but have you seen another guy walking around here who looks even older and uglier than I am?" For a moment this kind of took them aback, and one finally laughed nervously and said, "No." And I threw up my hands and said, "I KNOW. It's f---ing impossible!" And they burst into laughter. Then, following procedure, I told them my first name only.

Then I told them (true time constraint) that I couldn't stick around but that I would be wandering around the bar talking to people, but that (interesting guy routine) if any creepy guy started to hit on any of them, they should call me over and I would pretend to be their father and give the guy a hard time. They laughed at this, too. Then I singled out one of the women, who appeared to be from India and had pretty dark skin, and said, "they'll even believe I'm YOUR father. They're idiots, these guys."

This resulted in boisterous laughter. They wanted to talk more. But I left.

Now, here is the thing: The next day, when the class was analyzing our performances, The Don heard this story and said, "I know you think you were scoring but you weren't. You had become the clown, which is someone women like and will talk to but will not take home and f----."

He's probably right. I am not saying he is wrong. I am ugly and old and out of practice, and I surely didn't expect to have any luck whatsoever at that club (and obviously, would not have acted on it had I been propositioned; there were clear prior rules established that evening in my personal domicile.) However, it is also true that later that first night, one of the four women at that table -- the blonde -- was walking past me when she was accosted by one of the students at the seminar. He asked her if she had been hit on that night, and she said "Yes, a lot, but Gene was the best," and I put my arm around her, and she moved her shoulder in for a hug, and I got to smell her hair.

My contention is that women want to laugh, and want be dealt with like equals, not like prey, and that women are partial to someone who is able to laugh at himself. And that even if you are a homunculus spaz like me, these things are appreciated. But what do I know?

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Hey, is there anything better than when some Conservative blowhard demagogue demonstrates that he is also completely humor impaired? It turns out we all made Tim Graham's blog last week!

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The single sweetest event of last week occurred Friday when I got an excited e-mail from Mark Carson, who had just done that days' Hasbro Scrabble Gram. Here it is. Check out the first one. What seven letter word do you think you can spell? How great is this? How many of you can find the word it was SUPPOSED to spell?

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I would now like to direct your attention to the worst photo ever taken of Liz Kelly, who, I assure you, is actually an HB 8.5 This photograph of a dour, dowdy looking Liz who has apparently just come in from the howling rain, accompanies, however, a very nice article about her in the Washingtonian now on your newsstands.

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Oh, and Liz found this. All you need is the headline and picture.

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Please take Today's Poll ( MEN| WOMEN). Yes, as we have all noticed, these poll results have a startling headline, namely that MEN FAKE ORGASMS. When I first wrote this poll, Liz (and two other women of my acquaintance) expressed the opinion that this was physically, psychologically, and logically impossible. I assured them that many men would own up to it.

What resulted was a VERY spirited conversation between Liz and me about just how much explicatory detail I and you would be permitted to get into on this subject. Liz is quite nervous about this, because a certain degree of physiological specificity is called for to answer anticipated female questions on this subject. Liz and I agreed that I would weigh in on this fairly early in the discussion, and do so with extreme reserve and maturity. And that she would accept only those questions expressed with suitable gentility and politeness.

So, Liz is nervous. (Aren't you, baby? ) I contend we'll do fine.

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The Comics Pick of the week is the entire week's worth of Doonesbury, Wednesday through today. First runner up is Monday's Speed Bump. Honorable: Friday's... Garfield.

Hey, let's all look at Monday's Piranha Club and mourn the loss of a really great strip, due to the tragic error of one too many dialog balloons.

Okay, let's go.

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Washington, D.C. : Gene -- Would you be willing to join up our new organization, Stem The Overuse of Prepositions (STOP)? We'd love to have to change up your mind and join up. We will switch up our board of directors if you're available to be on the board. We're not sure where we will be holding our meetings at, but I'll let you know.

Gene Weingarten: Please send me the application form with which I must sign up for.

Hey, here is one of my favorite bits of doggerel. I first learned it from a Times Double Crostic some 35 years ago:

I lately lost a preposition

It hid, I thought, beneath my chair.

Angrily, I cried "perdition!"

"Come up from out of in under there!"

Now, correctness is my vade mecum

And straggling phrases I abhor,

And yet I wondered what should he

Come up from out of in under for?

I believe this is by Morris Bishop.

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Fantasy Life: Your poll made me laugh. When you substituted "coworker" for "film star," none of the responses really captured my response, which would be alarm: My husband works in an all-male environment.

I think we would have to have a MUCH bigger conversation!

Gene Weingarten: Noted.

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Washington, D.C.:"I've been seeing a girl for a year, but every time I act on my feelings, she changes her phone number."

Is that quote real? And, please tell me the guy was being sarcastic or something?

Gene Weingarten: The guy was quite serious. After he said it, there was this long silence in the room, and The Don said, "Uh, it doesn't sound like you're really seeing her, man."

This was a pretty socially dysfunctional fella.

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Gene Weingarten: Many women have written in to explain their feelings about Hillary, often a faint or extreme dislike. The best of these just came in from my friend Caitlin Gibson. Here it is, in response to the original poster's question ---

Dislike of Hillary: My husband asked me a few days ago why, as a liberal woman, I dislike Hillary and would not vote for her. After thinking for a few minutes I answered that it had to do with how she dealt with Bill after the whole infidelity issue, but not for the normal reasons of being mad he cheated. I understand getting over an infidelity. What I do not understand is how she could stay with him after he lied to her and let her go on national television to talk about the Republican conspiracy against Bill, how the whole thing was a lie. He made such a fool out of her on a national stage, and was so incredibly disrespectful to her. This to me is a much larger betrayal, and the fact that she stayed with him after that is ridiculous to me. He deserves no respect from her.

Gene Weingarten: Indeed. I think this is closer to the visceral reaction.

... you know, this touches on it, but I'd take it one step further. It's not just that she stayed with him, but the fact that there is no doubt but that she stayed with him because it was beneficial to her career; I don't think anyone believes for a minute that she would ever really "forgive" him or give him another chance after what happened. I think the reality is that most women see Hillary's marriage for exactly what it is -- a political alliance, a strategic move she made to further herself, with likely little or no emotional or romantic involvement whatsoever. I think that the very concept of that, and the concept of a woman who would look past the depth of the betrayal and sacrifice her own happiness and fulfillment in a marriage simply to gain political power, is unsettling, threatening, or just generally very disturbing to women. Women would want a woman they could relate to. Her personal life, or at least her marriage, is basically a carefully plotted, stone-cold production, and I think that costs her dearly among women voters. Look how many people seemed moved only when she had that moment of wistfulness. It's because in that instant, she seemed human, soft, real; otherwise, I think she's become scary, especially to women. In my opinion.

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Sense of humor required!: Gene, you're right. Most of us women LOVE a guy who can not only make us laugh, but can also laugh at himself. It shows you're not pretentious and don't take yourself too seriously.

And good on you for not lying. I've heard too many of those canned lines and routines used around here in D.C. and they're just laughable.

Gene Weingarten: Wait. I thought women LIKE to laugh.

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Washington, D.C.: Gene- In the update to last week's chat, you made reference to Jake Gyllenhaal, for the second time, as a possible object of desire. Now, he's not a bad looking guy, but neither is he particularly known for his looks, at least by Hollywood standards. Do I sense some man-lust in the air?

Gene Weingarten: You are sensing Chatwoman's lust. She has mentioned Mr. Gyllenhaal to me 6,000 times.

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CPOW should be: Tom Toles today! with the Zipper-mouthed Bill Clinton. Really great.

washingtonpost.com: Toles

Gene Weingarten: Yep.

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Gene Weingarten: Okay, the poll.

(Here is where Lizzie cringes.)

I'm gonna deal here only with the issue of male orgasm faking; thoughts on the the rest of the questions will spill out (ha) elsewhere.

Women want to know how this is possible and why it is necessary. There are many scenarios under which men might occasionally do this.

First, there is a fairly rare form of impotence in which men can get an erection but cannot always reach orgasm. That's rare, though.

Second, some drugs do the same thing to a guy. Narcotics, whether recreational or not recreational, can do it. As well as others.

Third, booze can do it.

Fourth, exhaustion can do it.

In such cases, a man has a choice: Continue to try at the risk of reaching the point where this is an ordeal for the woman, or seek a graceful, non-humiliating exit?

Another reason might be that --for whatever reason -- a man feels at some point during lovemaking that he is in danger of losing his erection. He might seek a less embarrassing close.

All of this, of course, is not answering the more piquing question, which is HOW can a man fake an orgasm, given the fact (here is where Liz tenses) the result of an orgasm is present for all to see and feel and deal with?

A simple answer is: condom. I don't know that this item is always carefully scrutinized afterwards, particularly if the gentleman is not anxious to have it scrutinized.

A more complex answer is that, with some men, particularly older men taking certain commonly prescribed drugs, the result of the act is far less apparent.

Okay, Liz?

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Scrabbulo, US: It's supposed to be subtext, but honestly how did the editors miss that? Don't they know to be vigilant around this sort of thing, the way DMVs have to screen vanity plates?

Reminds me of someone in Indiana whose vanity plate was: 3M TA3. (Picture it in a rear view mirror.) Or the famous internet photo of the Florida plate A55 RGY with that big round Florida orange between the 5 and the R.

Gene Weingarten: Correct, the word they wanted was "subtext." Which, as my friend Rachel pointed out, is quite ironic under the circumstances.

I have no idea how this got by editors.

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Bogota's on the I, RT: You flew into the "jungles of Columbia"? You mean, like, above 118th Street?

Gene Weingarten: Ah, sorry.

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Dating, Washington, D.C.: Gene,

Here is my question: would you object to The Don's strategy if it did not involve lies?

The approach, the touching, the attempting to engage in conversation are exactly what I do on a regular basis. The difference is that I am completely honest.

Is that enough to distinguish what I do from what they do?

Gene Weingarten: Yes.

I consider using canned material to be a lie, though.

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Sasquatch: While it is possible for a man to fake an orgasm, it is something that cannot be done frequently, and probably never more than a handful (I said handful!) of times with the same partner. Once the partner knows how one normally reacts at climax, any deviation is immediately noticeable. A faker might be able to slip one by his partner once or twice a year, but any more frequently, and the fakery will become obvious.

Finally, let's get this out of the way: it IS possible for a man to climax without much [REDACTED BY LIZ]. This is particularly the case men who have had vasectomies or who are taking drugs such for prostate problems.

Disclaimer: I have not faked a climax in more than a few years. If I cannot get to the Promised Land, I inform my partner, and assure her that it is not her fault.

Gene Weingarten: You said "slip one by."

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Baltimore, Md.: I am man. I faked orgasm once (or, more accurately, about eight or 10 times over about a five-hour span). The reason? I was hopelessly drunk and no matter what, could not have an orgasm. I tried and tried and tried, and had a partner who thought I was incredibly multi-orgasmic, but it just never happened. It was horrible. It was painful and, after a certain point, incredibly boring. But from about midnight till dawn, I just kept doing and doing it and doing it without climax.

The same woman and I had sex one other time, about a month later, and it lasted maybe 15 minutes. She was quite nonplussed.

Gene Weingarten: Precisely.

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The Hillary thing: Sorry, it is still sexism. I very much doubt anyone who dislikes Hillary Clinton because she has a marriage based on ambition would even bother to contemplate a man's grounds for marriage when deciding for whom to vote. A thoughtless double-standard.

Gene Weingarten: I think the point is, will she alter who she fundamentally is in order to pursue this?

I don't think Edwards or Obama have done that.

I also don't think there is any evidence that the Edwards or Obama marriages are shams.

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I agree with Caitl, IN: I think Ms. Gibson has it exactly right. The recent kerfuffle about race plays right into that narrative. Hillary will do anything to get elected, and so will Bill; that's why he's saying all those nasty things about blacks. And so forth.

In some ways Margaret Thatcher was more appealing to voters than Senator Clinton, because even though Thatcher was very ambitious and lacked a warm political persona, she was an ideologue: she wanted to roll back the welfare state and was prepared to do a lot to achieve that. It was easier for people to forgive her coldness and ambition because, well, you expect that in an ideologue. It's not clear that Senator Clinton has an organizing principle or vision for the country besides, Get a Clinton back into the White House.

Gene Weingarten: Yeah.

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Fairfax, Va.: You attended an autopsy?! When and why? What did you think of the experience?

Also, hi to Producer Paul!

washingtonpost.com: Listen I know the pic's bad and all, but that's just mean.

Gene Weingarten: Hahaha.

I attended two autopsies. The first, and most memorable, was in Albany N.Y. Wife-victim was beaten to death, and dumped into the Mohawk River weighted town by chains.

I got to see that she was beaten to death, which the cops hadn't released, and broke that story. I still remember the name of the victim: Carol Treleaven Prince. The husband was arrested shortly afterward, but walked. A technically unsolved murder.

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Arlington, Va.: The Don is right. When you become the clown, you have entered the "Friend Zone", or worse become the "Gay Little Brother." Whether you are looking for a date or just a score, the woman has to take you seriously. It IS great to make them laugh, but too much self-deprecation will kill you.

Gene Weingarten: As I said, could be. ESPECIALLY if you are no looker.

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I know it's only January, but...: Headline of the year?

Gene Weingarten: Holy crap.

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The Promised Land:"If I cannot get to the Promised Land, I inform my partner, and assure her that it is not her fault."

That's all anyone can so and anyone should do in that situation, regardless of gender.

Gene Weingarten: You are discounting human nature.

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WOWshington, D.C.: Gene, your new friend Mandy has a MySpace page posted. You must have been delighted, and I bet The Don was in tears!

Gene Weingarten: The Don was seriously upset.

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Reston, Va.: One, the people pissing and moaning about your stance on kids making a marriage more high stakes are too stupid to live. My husband and I are madly in love and a perfect family of two. No one takes marriage (old style, death do us part) more seriously than we do. Kids will not make this marriage any more important to either of us.AND YET, I'm sitting here as big as a landed manatee with four weeks to go in this pregnancy, and I'm here to say that, boys and girls, the stakes went up as soon as this pregnancy was viable. After the birth there is more riding on our marriage than our own happiness.

This is OBVIOUS TRUTH. Stand tall, Gene.

Two: The line in the Bible about the camel, the needle, and the rich man getting into heaven makes more sense when you read a proper translation. The original word doesn't translate as "a camel." It translates as "a thick yarn." In other words - it's possible, with a whole lot of determined effort.

The King James version is pretty poetry, but the only people who think it's the direct word of god are... poorly informed.

Gene Weingarten: This wins the Chatological Humor nonsequitur-within-a-single post award.

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Columbia, MD: Gene, I agree with you on a lot of your views but now I question that. I don't think I will be able to believe that you know what you are talking about any longer. Your view regarding fibromyalgia is just wrong, wrong, wrong. I wish you could just live in my body for a week or better yet, let your wife live in my body for a week so you can observe the suffering she goes through. It would not be fun. I would be ecstatic if I could get rid of my pain for a week. My pain is worse in the mornings and evenings and on most days by bedtime I have a hard time undressing myself. Just because there is no definitive medical test to test for fibro does not mean that is it not real. Fibro patients brain's perceive pain in a different way. That does not mean that the pain is not felt or real. Your HepC could be proven by blood test and liver tests but what if this disease did not show up in test, would we be able to day it does not exist. I'm sorry, I just can't trust your opinions again. Oh and by the way, I and not 5 foot three and weight 180 pounds, I am of normal weight, and I have never in all the years, missed one day of work because of this syndrome. Some days by the end of the day I just feel like throwing my body in front of a truck because the pain is so physically and mentally exhausting but I don't, and won't. I have learned to live with it. But my body feels like I have been beaten with a baseball bat most days. Living in pain 24 hours a day is not for sissies that is for sure, and some days are better than others but I am never pain-free, NEVER. You are so full of yourself sometimes that you can't see other views or truths. I hope no one you love gets a disease that can't be detected by medical tests and are sick but no one believes them. Get over yourself please.

Gene Weingarten: Can you contact me at weingarten(at)washpost.com? I'd like to talk to you.

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Gene Weingarten: On the poll, this might surprise all of you, but I am not as sure as y'all are that The Post was wrong to pull that Candorville!

And I NEVER come down on that side.

This was a joke not only about assassination, but about the assination of a specific person. I would have had a serious taste question about that. I'm now second guessing myself a little, because so many of you did not.

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Bowie, Md.: Man faking it. Married 14 years. Sex doesn't come around often with three kids all under 8, so when we do have intercourse, I'm on a bit of a hair trigger, and it usually wraps up on my end in 3-4 minutes.

I do, however, have a very brief refractory period, and after a moment or three of stillness, am able to start again and take my time/enjoy the closeness for an additional 15-30 minutes.

After the 20-30 minute mark, though, it starts becoming obvious that it's not going much of anywhere for either of us, so I "pretend" having no. 2. With the results of no. 1 already there, it's hard to tell a difference.

Gene Weingarten: You said "hard."

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Mama for Obama: Care to comment, oh sage one, on Ted Kennedy's endorsement of Obama at AU yesterday? I could not believe how many people showed up. Thousands were turned away. And the crowd was the most diverse (all races, all ages) I have ever seen at a political event. Are we really on the cusp of something different? Can we dare to believe?

Gene Weingarten: See the next post.

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Washington, D.C.: How can you like Obama? He's running on a platform of hope, for God's sake. What, is he going to fill his cabinet with fairies? I can't stand candidates who say completely unsupportable things like they're going to bring a new level of discourse to Washington and create a new era of everyone working together. As long as we're wishing for stuff that will never happen just because we say it will, I'd like a pony please.

Gene Weingarten: To answer the first poster's question: Apparently not.

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Wonkette: Within minutes of your intro, Wonkette.com posted the photo of the Allentown man being arrested.

So you can add that notch to the liberal side of your belt. To counteract that horribly humorless conservative guy ranting about your comparison of Pol Pot and Cheney.

Gene Weingarten: Glad the wonkster is reading us.

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Chocolate City: I love your column, and was curious about the racial make-up of the people and targets of the class you've been discussing about the "Don." I wonder whether there are cultural differences that make such a course more or less valuable. Were there any people of color?

Gene Weingarten: There were 12 students in the class. One was black, one was Asian, one was Indian. Not great diversity, but not bad, either. All the instructors were white.

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Charlottesville, Va.: Hi Gene,

Due to massive student influx and few parking garages, my situation requires frequent parallel parking. I consider myself a fairly decent parallel parker and rarely tap bumpers.

Last weekend, I pulled out of a very tight spot and returned later to find that exact same spot open; the only problem was that the two cars on either side had only given me a few inches in each direction. I knew that I could physically fit into that spot, since I was parked there earlier, so I decided to go for it. And now you know where this is going - I oh-so-gently tapped the car behind me as I was making adjustments to my parking job. But the thing is, I looked up to move my car forward and saw two girls staring at me with expressions of extreme anger on their faces. One girl began to stalk towards me - I could see that she was going to yell at me for doing absolutely no damage to her car, but I couldn't bear the thought of confronting her and her equally angry friend. So I basically ran away; I pulled out of that spot and what could have been the best parallel parking job EVER and drove away from that scary girl as fast as I could.

And the best part? I went back later and looked at her car. No damage, obviously, AND I would have tapped the front grille of her enormous BMW SUV with my spare tire. NO DAMAGE.

So why do I still feel guilty about running away?

Gene Weingarten: Because you recognize you are a pathetic weenie feeb. This fills you with self loathing that you define as "guilt."

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Savannah, Ga.: Hi there Gene,

I just wanted to put in one small measure of female support for Hillary. I am 28, a total lefty, and have no problems with her, personally or politically. It never really occurred to me to even think of her as cold, until all the recent election coverage brought it to my attention that most people automatically do. I just feel that the issues are of paramount importance, so she'd have to be HORRIBLE, or insane, or something, in her personal life for me to really care. (This is the same way I feel about male candidates.)

Actually, I don't even mind if she stayed with Bill just for her career. If it was a good strategic move for her presidential bid, and she WANTS to be president, then...yeah, she should do that. In my head, I understand the argument you posited above, that most woman are especially turned off by a woman being so career-calculating, but personally I feel no such reaction.

Just wanted to throw that out there! Thanks.

Gene Weingarten: Noted.

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Concord, N.H.:"In the update to last week's chat, you made reference to Jake Gyllenhaal, for the second time, as a possible object of desire. Now, he's not a bad looking guy, but neither is he particularly known for his looks, at least by Hollywood standards."

Jake Gyllenhaal is smoking hot by anyone's standards, including Hollywood. He just doesn't do a whole to encourage fawning women, though he could. Yum.

washingtonpost.com: I'm over it.

Gene Weingarten: I'll bet.

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Frederick, Md.: Hey Gene, Did you check out the Style Invitational this weekend? What's with the winning entry? I laughed out loud at so many of the entries, but my only response to the winning slogan was, "Wha?"

What am I missing?

Gene Weingarten: You do not know the reference. "Lie back and think of England" was supposedly the Victorian advice given to young ladies on their wedding nights, to learn how to withstand the ordeal of sex. It speaks to the proper nature of England.

It would not have been my winner, perhaps, but it is a perfectly respectable entry.

washingtonpost.com: Style Invitational, ( Post, Jan. 26)

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Washington, D.C.: I love the poster who said: "I very much doubt anyone who dislikes Hillary Clinton because she has a marriage based on ambition would even bother to contemplate a man's grounds for marriage when deciding for whom to vote. A thoughtless double-standard."

Um yeah... because nobody ever mentioned John Kerry's wife and his reasons for marrying her. Nope. Not once. Honestly, the commentators in Post chats seem to primarily be middle school-age students who have not a single historical reference on which to base their ignorant comments. Tedious.

Gene Weingarten: Good point.

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Jake Gyllenhall: As a gay man, I can say I'm not particularly moved by Jake's physicality (good actor, though). But most of the gay men I know are pretty into him. Of the two, I was much more attracted to Heath Ledger, whose untimely passing saddens me.

Speaking of which, he seems on his way to icon status, a la James Dean. Any thoughts as to what causes that, and who is worthy of it?

Gene Weingarten: Interesting. I think the consensus is he was a really good actor, which helps. But don't you also need to somehow represent something in your generation, to achieve that? I'm not sure I see that.

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Hartford, Conn.: I've been reading "Doonesbury" since Yale, and think the current series is one of the most brilliant ever, which is really saying something. But shouldn't Gary Trudeau give credit to the Diving Bell and the Butterfly for the concept? Whatever, it's a powerful set of strips. At an age when many people are starting to slow down, he keeps getting better and better.

Gene Weingarten: No, he shouldn't have to give credit.

Hey, I think I am one of the 12 Americans who thought TDBATB was only pretty good.

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Poll: As of this writing, more than 30 percent of male respondents say they have faked an orgasm. I'm assuming this is mostly because of medical issues? I'm a guy, and I've always taken the approach that you work until the work is done, if you know what I mean -- even if you're not totally in the mood.

Gene Weingarten: Even if you are having to work so hard that the lady might well be getting pretty damn sick of you?

See, we are getting to the heart of the issue here.

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K St., Washington, D.C.: Gene

Yesterday evening, I was walking through the upper reaches of Dupont Circle around 5:45/6, and got to see the Cheney motorcade bringing him home from work. For those who haven't seen this, trafffic is stopped on Connecticut Avenue in anticipation of his arrival, and major cross-streets, like Florida, are also stopped so he can proceed unimpeded. I couldn't count how many motorcycle police were involved. Then, not three hours later, the whole thing happened in reverse (I was at this point sipping wine in an establishment), and the traffic was stopped (albeit not rush hour) and the large numbers of police were used. It has always annoyed me how Cheney chooses to stop traffic at the peak of rush hour every day. It seems an enormous showing of egotism and selfishness that all the commuters should be inconvenienced so he can get home. But last night? He went home and had dinner, I guess, adn then went back to go to the State of the Union? If I have a late meeting, I just stay at work and grab a sandwich. And I'm guessing he could've gotten some food at the white house. I don't know. It just rankled me a great deal. (Not to mention fuel costs, carbon footprint, etc.) Granted, my opinion may be clouded becuase I think he's the devil, but I'd say Cheney's motorcade behavior is far worse than leaning your seat back on an airplane. At least then you're only inconveniencing one person. Here, he inconveniened thousands of travelers, his motorcyle lead cop almost hit a pedestrian, and he wasted a bunch of gas. (note that I don't lean my seat back!).

Ok. thanks. I just had to get that off my chest.

Gene Weingarten: I wonder if anyone has done any serious theological study on whether Cheney might actually BE the Antichrist. Because it might almost be worth it, living through the End Times, if our suspicions could be confirmed. Like, one day he just sprouts horns.

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Washington, D.C.: The cartoon should have run because it expressed a sentiment that I think a lot of people are thinking/worried about but no one's saying it. I've only seen one interview with Obama that talked about security and even then it was very broad and he addressed it more broadly and they were off to the next question. I thought the illegal immigrant punchline was a perfect lampooning of where we're at as Americans right now.

Gene Weingarten: I'll buy that. Maybe.

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New York, N.Y.: OK, Gene, I'm finally callin' you out on this seat-recline business. I have scoliosis, and it's physically painful for me to sit in an airplane seat that is fully upright for much longer than takeoffs and landings. Once the plane's in the air, I notch the seat back ONE notch, very slowly and carefully, so I ride somewhat pain-free without discommoding the person behind me. If you're talking about those inconsiderate goobers who jackhammer their seats back to full recline without warning, thereby driving the magazine I've been reading right into my chin, then I'm with ya. But if you're the guy who's going to seethe at my careful, slow, one-notch recline, frankly you deserve your own self-inflicted distress.

Conversely, you seem to be willfully obtuse about what to ME is the whole crux of the bumper-tapping business: tapping my bumper is like deliberately body-checking me in a crowd, and then pretending you didn't, or cutting in front of me on line, as if I don't exist. I haven't seen anyone in the chat putting it quite this way, but what you're doing is, you're telling me I don't count, and YOUR lack of consideration for my car (and thus for my existence, and yes, we're speaking in metaphors here) is a mere trifle. Just to be clear, you tap my bumper, I expect a wave, or a nod, or something; otherwise you're an inconsiderate, self-absorbed pig. I don't pretend to be rational about this, by the way, and I doubt that I'm even "right" about it, but just .please don't tap MY bumper without some acknowedgment.

Gene Weingarten: Of course you are right about the first issue. But how am I going to acknowledge a bumper tap if you are not there? Should I leave a note on your car, acknowledging that I tapped your bumper, and, though there is no damage, I feel just awful about it?

The difference between cutting in front of you in line, or jostling you on the street, is that these things are an offense to you. Car bumpers are there to be brushed against, tapped upon, violated in an ever so gentle way. I do accept that some modern bumpers seem to be made of Limoges. It is a sad fact. It is incumbent upon all of us to fight this design trend by refusing to buy those cars. In the meantime, if you have been unwise enough to purchase one, you must resign yourself to unsightly bumpage. Because the alternative -- asking others to treat your car as though it were a Stradivarius -- is absurd.

Look at it this way. Let us say I purchase pants made of toilet paper. And let's say that on an airplane ride a stewardess accidentally spills a drop of apple juice on my crotch. And it spreads, and becomes invisible, and shreds a little, and pretty soon my genitalia is exposed, and she accuses me of flashing her.

My point is, she's right. I have no right to wear toilet-paper pants. She'll win a lot of money in a civil suit, even though it was she who spilled the apple juice.

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HEY!!: I went off and found two hotties. Under The Don's watchful eye, I spent 2 minutes 10 seconds talking them up, and then bent in and got a full lip-kiss from each.

WHAT happened to "no-kissyface"??????

Gene Weingarten: That was my wife's request, before I want out. I suspended the rule, summarily, at my own jeopardy, when the delicious opportunity arose. The wife was fine with it, when I explained.

Hey, this was a sting on the misogynists. This is nothing The Rib would have counseled against.

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Atlanta, Ga.: Why do liberals like yourself find it so easy to demonize those who don't share your narrow view of the world? Why are you such an intolerant person?

Gene Weingarten: Because you're an idiot.

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Barren Marriage: Wait! Under your reasoning, which I think is persuasive, isn't a childless marriage more real? Because, as you note, in the absence of children, the sole reason to put up with the boredom of monogamy, forgoing anything beyond your random "chaste French kiss", would be something like real commitment to the spouse, something the poets tend to sum up as "love".

Gene Weingarten: You think that people cannot be in deep, everylasting love without having had this certified by commissioner of public records, sworn to in a court of law, and/or sanctified by a clergyman?

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Washington, D.C.: I'm getting married pretty soon, and I'm pretty annoyed about it, too. Not because of the woman, whom I would gladly spend the rest of my life with, but rather the whole charade of marriage itself. Neither of us wants kids; we figure the last thing the world needs is another spoiled-rotten American kid, so if we ever feel the need to stroke our parental instincts, we'll send some money over to the starving kids in whatever country needs it most at the time. Or get a dog.

Unfortunately, her family would never accept the two of us living together without being married, and I don't see the need to create family strife for the sake of a piece of paper. Because that's all marriage IS without kids; it's just an extra piece of documentation. Why the hell does the government have to sanctify our relationship? Our relationship is no more real just because we legally bind ourselves to each other; if anything, it's LESS real. It's essentially saying, "You can trust me to stay with you, but you'll never know if it's because I love you or because I'm afraid of having to pay alimony." Come to think of it, it's a lot like Church-mandated morality. "I'm moral because I don't want to go to Hell."

Gene's right about this; everyone complaining about his position should just get over themselves. Your relationship is not any more special just because you bought each other rings; it's just more expensive.

Gene Weingarten: Wow. I read this post right after answering the previous one.

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McLean, Va.: Hello Gene - I've submitted this question to a couple of the political chats but no one will touch it. Perhaps you will. I would absolutely love to see Obama get the Dem nomination and go on to be elected president. But I fear for his life. Let's get real here. There are still very very many people in this country whose thinking is not, shall we say, very highly evolved. I'm afraid that some nut is going to show up at a rally and start shooting. And God help the country if it happens; it will be 1968 all over again. I lived through that and I don't want to do it again. Does this strike you as a legitimate concern or am I just being paranoid?

Gene Weingarten: I think it is a legitimate concern that can and must have no bearing on whom you vote for. Obama wants to be president; he obviously understands the risk as well as we do. It is morally wrong to substitute our squeamishness for his courage.

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Blizzard in Fairfax: Gene - I gotta know...what did you think about the incident in Fairfax last week when the high school kid called the county-school-snow-day-guy at home, left a message and the official's wife blasted him in a return message, which he then posted on YouTube? Who was wrong? Was it funny?

Gene Weingarten: The whole thing was funny. She shouldn't have talked to a kid like that. He had a right to post it.

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Candorville: The First Amendment and freedom of speech does not cover violence. The Post was right.

Gene Weingarten: Well, it wasn't ADVOCATING violence.

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The Empress of The Style Invitational: If you can't figure out a Style Invitational entry, feel free to write me at losers@washpost.com and I'll explain it to you without my usual snideness. Write something like "question about a Style Invitational entry" in the subject line, so I know it's not a regular entry, and so I know it's not spam.

Gene Weingarten: Cool!

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A brief note...:... To all the seat recliners, childless married couples, hyper-bumper-sensitivity suffers, and people who comb their hair:

If you haven't figured this out, Gene's basic philosophy is, "I am stubborn, harmlessly offensive slob who is lucky enough to have the means and the charm to live out my own distorted world view. Lucky because enough people find this entertaining and humorous that someone pays me to write them down."

So stop being offended! I treat Gene like I treat my grandparents... when he goes off the deep end, I stop laughing with him and start laughing at him.

Gene Weingarten: Thank you.

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Arlington, Va.: I am a lifelong pessimist. I'm the guy who is "10,001st in line for 10,000 free tickets, and 9,999th in line when number 10,000 wins a car." (I wish I could remember where that quote came from, so I could attribute it.) I have a deep and abiding cynicism about politicians, regardless of party affiliation.

So tell me, why am I reading the newspaper and thinking to myself, "Self, this Obama guy sounds pretty good! I could vote for him!!"

Help!

Gene Weingarten: Here is the problem: We are starving for The Real Deal. All of us. We are hungry for someone really, genuinely inspirational.

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London, UK : As an outsider you, as a country, can be a tad carefree with your presidents.

What Candorville seems to express is unspoken but not non-existant. The cartoon form is, and has always been, an ideal platform for such free speech.

Gene Weingarten: No one is questioning whether he is free to draw that strip. Of course he is. But newspapers do edit things for taste. It's not censorship, it's editing.

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Candorville: I read the strip you mention in today's poll last week online, not knowing that it had been cut from the print version of the Post, and I was surprised at it for the same reasons you mention. However, I don't think it's dangerous, and I think it is an important social commentary on the fact that racism and intolerance are still serious problems in American society. For that reason, I think the Post should have run it.

Gene Weingarten: Okay.

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Faking?: Really? Ladies how will he know how to please you if you let him think what he's doing is sufficient?! Please stop doing this ASAP.

Gene Weingarten: I think this is a reasonable plea. Ladies?

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Richmond, Va.: Local news report:

A local drugstore was robbed overnight with the thief making off with over 500 bottles of Viagra. Police say the suspect is a known hardened criminal.

Gene Weingarten: Thank you.

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Washington, D.C.: I'm a woman and I've never faked an orgasm. Why bother? It just reinforces the notion that some men have that all women can have orgasms through intercourse. My ex swears all the women he's slept with have had the Big O through sex. Maybe I'm in the minority, but I've never had an orgasm through sex and not of my friends has either. Now, maybe through some sort of additional stimulation during sex, but not just through plain sex.

Also, if for whatever reason my husband feels he can't finish, he tells me.

Gene Weingarten: Is this common? Never through intercourse itself?

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"question about a Style Invitational entry": This means we can question The Empress about those entries that don't get printed, right? She's going to be a very busy royal.

Gene Weingarten: I definitely don't think that is what she means. Definitely.

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Arlington, Va.: I've faked, in the manner you described, not only to keep the partner from wondering if she did something wrong, but also to keep from looking unmanly.

I'm curious though -- do you think faking, by a man or a woman, is the right thing to do, if you're doing it to protect the other person's feelings?

Gene Weingarten: I think it's complicated; under ideal circumstances, you'd never do it. I don't fault anyone, though, if the reason is loving.

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Hillary: One more take on Hillary.

When she and Bill started Bill's first term, she fired the entire White House travel staff. Which, as is true in the Spoils System, is her right to do. However, the travel staff has always been considered non-political, and many of them had been there for 20 years. In order to keep her image squeaky clean, she insinuated they were fired due to "financial irregularities", instead of saying "Hey, I want to reward our supporters". Craven, and borderline evil. She didn't gift a whit as to the possibility she'd ruin careers with the accusation, she was only concerned about her image. The head of the staff, whose name escapes me, sued. The case was settled out of court, no admission of wrongdoing.

Research it if you don't believe me. I'm as much of a Lefty as anyone, but there's no way on Flying Spaghetti Monster's green Earth I'll cast a vote for her. I'll write in you, Gene, if I have to.

Gene Weingarten: Yeah, this was shocking.

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Washington, D.C.: Off duty Secret Service Guy here. Although the SS takes the protection of all major candidates very seriously, there is a special degree of intensity when dealing with Obama.

Gene Weingarten: I have no doubt. Thanks for posting.

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Dogtown, Ark.: That Candorville was brilliant! Topical and poignant! What kind of maroon would think it offensive enough to pull from the comics page? Gene, it is your sacred duty to out this philistine so he/she may be duly ridiculed by the Chat.

Gene Weingarten: It was topical, though it was not a really original joke. It was a re-tooling of an old joke to fit a new topic.

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Is the doctor in?: Doc Weingarten: Can you give me your sight-unseen diagnosis? (And yes, I will find a doctor). I feel pain in my right side a little above waist-level when poking my fingers into the rib cage. What do you think? Spleen? I'd like to get educated about possibilities beforehand. I'm female, about your age, no other issues. Thanks.

Gene Weingarten: Could be a muscle strain. Could be liver or gall bladder. Could be nothing, could be something. Sorry.

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re: "Man of Mystery": Maybe "Man of Ripoffs?" $3,000 for 3 days!! Seems like you could reveal his real name when he gets arrested for thievery. Gees, these guys must be desparate, and judging by the one student's t-shirt, clueless. Sounds like the world would be a better place if someone like t-shirt guy never connects and reproduces! I'd like to see a success rate- I bet his method only works for guys who are not totally ugly or hopeless when they start, just shy or inexperienced.

Gene Weingarten: I think you are correct. That guy was without a clue, and nothing would help him.

I have no doubt that it can help some shy, awkward guys with character and brains. It gives them something to say, a patter to fall back on when they're scared and draw a blank.

A bar scene is scary to a guy who is not naturally an extrovert. You have minutes -- sometimes seconds -- to present yourself and interest someone. I watched this. Scary. I was talking to a woman in the bar about this, and she allowed as to how she'd much rather be a woman than a man in a situation like that. That it is so hard to be interesting in a short time. Then she met my eyes and (I swear) asked me my "sign."

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Dating, Washington, D.C. (follow up): Canned, but truthful, material is a lie? I don't follow.

I also think you are being to hard on these men. Gene, you are easy and loose in the bar precisely because (1) you have a loving wife waiting for you at home; (2) have a lifetime's experience being funny; and (3) are there in the persona of a Washington Post writer. In short, you have nothing on the line.

For us single guys, it's a bit more complicated and often requires multiple attempts to even get a civil answer. You think we need to come up with something completely charming -and- novel each time?

I'm reminded of the book "Self Made Man," where a lesbian passed as a man for many months, and recounted her experiences trying to hit on women in bars.... She thought it would be an easy exercise, and instead turned out to be extremely frustrating.

The Don is a sleaze. Granted. But the rest of us who are not naturally gifted conversationalists and/or fabulously good-looking....? The point remains that what he does is uncomfortably similar to what I do some weekends, and I think you need to reevaluate your critera.

Gene Weingarten: So lemme ask you this. You walk up to a woman, and you say, "My buddy broke up with a girlfriend by text message. Is that okay?"

You don't have a buddy who broke up with anyone. You've been told to say this EXACTLY this way, because it really works. And it does.

Do you feel a little bad about this? Isn't this a lie?

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So stop being offended! : There are times I need to remind myself that the chat is subtitled "Tuesdays with Moron" and not "Tuesdays with the Person You'd Most Like to Emulate."

Gene Weingarten: I am proud of that "Moron."

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The new Gene Pool: Gene,

Any chance that this new daily contribution could manifest in a CPOD as opposed to a CPOW? Just curious. Might give you the chance to pay homage to strips that otherwise fall through the cracks.

Gene Weingarten: Tragically, there isn't enough great material to keep a consistently good CPOD.

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Chevy Chase: How much time do you spend on each chat?

Gene Weingarten: Believe it or not, about the equivalent of an 8-hour day. The reason it doesn't seem it is that I am just not very good at what I do.

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re: Scrabblegram: BTW, the "right" answer is "SUBTEXT"

Gene Weingarten: Yes, we have established this already.

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Jersey girl in, MD: So, I asked my husband last week if he had read or owned "The Game." He says he heard of it and may have had some photocopied pages from it once. I watched his face closely. I once saw a kind of "chicks folder" he had with pics of positions and techniques and that he took massage classes. I love to tease my husband because he is "a nice guy" nerd and I am his HB catch.

I'm an athletic HB with a pony-tail, so I've seen lots of bad guy behavior and was taken under some protective male wings early. I still got burned by a few popular pr-cks, liars, jock jerks, but always had my little coterie of "guy friends" (every cute girl has them) and that it had some pretty good pickings.

I go for sexy nerds - smart, not-too-late physical bloomers, but enough that they relied on their smarts, are sensitive but not truly damaged from years of rejection, and importantly have nice bodies or the real potential with some working out (I do need to feel like a woman next to them). My husband has good Polish-American steelworkers stock. We met at the gym. He knows he walked a fine line of stalking me for over a year, while I was dating someone else at the same gym. He called it persistence and often "trapped" me in conversations while I was on the treadmill. It nearly did him in, but I recognized his good nerdly and physical traits. I asked him out. He shook in his shoes during our first kiss. We laugh a lot about it now. It's hilarious. My husband is a great friend and father with a great sense of humor and really, truly by nature, a nice guy.

BTW we named our 5 mos. old daughter, Ava, which we had picked out 7 years ago over a wonderful drunken N. Year's meal. Ava is an Irish name (Anglicized from Aoife) means birdlike and joyful. Ava's a very popular, ancient and famous mythological woman's name in Ireland. We loved the name since my nerdly husband is an ornithologist and I'm 1st generation Irish-American. It bugs us that it's trendy, but Irish names are hugely popular in the U.S. The only Ava I heard of was Ava Gardner, and while a 'ho, was a gorgeous woman.

Gene Weingarten: Your post was entertaining, and I am happy to publish it, even if it seems to have no particular point. I am curious, though: What does your ponytail have to do with anything?

Gene Weingarten: While I think you might be a leeetle full of yourself, I of course still like you as all men do because you are hot and have a ponytail.

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York, Pa.: I'm with you on airline seat reclining: it's extremely rude. If you do it, you're significantly decreasing someone else's comfort to increase your own comfort ever so slightly. To me, it seems more like a power game than anything else, along the lines of driving a Hummer---a way of saying "I'm an a--hole and I don't care what anyone thinks about what I do".

Having said that, when someone sitting in front of me reclines his seat, I sit there and take it like a chump.

Gene Weingarten: I think you have explained it better than I had to date: Exactly right. You are making yourself mildly more comfortable while making someone else greatly more uncomfortable.

The second part of your post is interesting, too. I was gratified to see in the poll that the vast majority of readers agree full throttle seat reclining is wrong, period. But I was amused to see that so many of those who do not see it that way took refuge in the "unless they complain" option. Weenies. Poltroons. That was a trap, to weed you out.

Listen, very few people will not object. Nobody wants to create an ugly moment or resist a confrontation. They'll just do what this poster did: Dummy up and be severely inconvenienced, and they will know you for what you are, a rude and inconsiderate person.

This reminds me of something really funny Dave Barry said a long time ago. In Miami, there was a miserable law that causeway drawbridges would open not on a regular schedule, but on demand. If any yachter happened to want to get by, he'd honk his air horn, and the drawbridge attendant would open the bridge, stopping traffic for as much as ten minutes each time. For one boat containing two people. I wondered allowed what the boatsters must be feeling about inconveniencing so many people at their whim. And Dave said, quite seriously, "They do not know we are up there."

Gene Weingarten: Sorry, I meant "very few people WILL object."

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Virginia: To the person begging women not to fake orgasms. It's not always the reason you think.

Most of the time I try to be honest, but on rare occasions I don't want to hurt the guy's feelings. It's not that he's not doing the right thing, it's that on this particular occasion it's just not going to happen. Maybe my brain keeps popping to something that happened that day or maybe the dog is making too much noise or something.

And guys get so invested in both their ability to please their woman and excited watching it happen that their disappointment that it's not going to happen is greater than the woman's. Sometimes thinking about their disappointment psychs me out even more.

Gene Weingarten: Noted.

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Someone El, SE: On exactly one occasion, during sex, I tried imagining that I was having sex with a woman other than my wife. I'd heard that this was something other guys did, and I wanted to give it a try. I didn't bother considering the ethical implications -- this was an experiment in the name of Science. I felt justified.

And I felt like a moron. There I was, having REAL, LIVE SEX (!!!) with the woman I loved and pretending I was doing something else. What kind of dysfunctional dope does a thing like this? Who blots out a cool reality in exchange for a fantasy -- any fantasy? The overall effect was like smoking a cigarette with Tom Waits and pretending that I was smoking a joint with Bob Dylan -- sure, the latter would be groovy, but the former was real, and happening, right then. I just don't get it.

Gene Weingarten: I like your analogy!

Hey, wouldn't "analogy" be a better word for proctology?

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Arlington, Va.: What happened to turn these "insecure guys who just need help with the ladies" into "misogynists?"

Gene Weingarten: The teachers are the misogynists. Openly. I don't think they'd have much of a problem with that description. The students, mostly not. As I said, they mostly wanted to fall in love and have a family.

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Washington, D.C.: Back in Detroit, you had your utilities cut off regularly.

I don't know how you did it, especially in a cold weather city! Mine were cut off recently, and the temperature in my place dropped below 50. At night, it was brutally dark and cold.

I'll never be late on a utility bill again.

Gene Weingarten: It was actually East Lansing, not Detroit. But same difference. I was 26 years old, single, living alone with a dog and a parrot whom I knew would die if the temperature dropped much below 60. I had at least two nights where the dog and I slept with the parrot to keep him warm.

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Reclining: Dear Gene, please address my etiquette dilemma. You say it is rude to recline in your airline seat. However, the slightly bent-forward posture I am forced to assume in an un-reclined seat gives me horrendous flatulence. Which is more rude? Slight discomfort to the person behind me which they may alleviate by reclining themselves, or severe discomfort to my stomach, and the olfactory organs of everyone sitting around me?

P.S. I am a woman, hot.

Gene Weingarten: I don't believe this for a minute, but was entertained by it. This should be a test question for Introduction to Ethics 101.

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M Street NW, Washington, D.C.:"genuinely inspirational"

Yep, that's it exactly. How long has it been since we've had anyone even close?

Gene Weingarten: Republicans will say 1984. I say 1960, though that was kind of a lie.

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Listen Fartface: Do you ever stop to consider that you are a little over-demanding and diva-esque?

Gene Weingarten: Yes. But I usually reject this idea and move on. Because I can.

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Cambridge, Mass.: I would like to point out, as I'm sure many others already have, that the joke in the Candorville comic is a straight rip-off of a Dave Chapelle bit. Dave talks about how hard it would be to be the first black president and the likelihood of assassination, therefore he would only do it if his vice-president is Mexican, "for a little insurance. So everyone would just leave me and vice-president Santiago to our own devices." Great act by a native-D.C. comic.

Gene Weingarten: Dave was not the first to speculate on strategically having a terrible veep to make sure no one assassinates you. Those jokes were rampant during Dan Quayle's vice presidency.

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The Empress of The Style Invitational: To clarify: If you demand to know why your infinitely superior entry was not printed, I will NOT withhold the snideness.

On the other hand, I really don't expect every reader to understand every printed Invite entry (though I do tend not to give the Inker to obscure references -- sorry, I just thought that was a pretty well known expression).

Obviously, when I print an entry, I figured it out, and I'm not incredibly learned. But I do think I have a fairly broad scope of knowledge, probably a little broader than a lot of readers do. But I figure the standard shouldn't be: Will EVERYONE understand this. As long as there's stuff in the column that people WILL enjoy, I figure they can just skip what they won't get.

Gene Weingarten: Actually, you are pretty learned. IMHO.

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Senili, TY?: And I quote "I wondered allowed".

Are you totally losing it? Much like the Yankees in the playoffs each year...

Gene Weingarten: I am old and enfeebled. Plus, my wondering WAS allowed. First Amendment.

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Liz is getting hungry: You were supposed to take Liz out for lunch months ago. Bet you haven't found the time in your big-shot-columnist-diva schedule, have you?

washingtonpost.com: It's my fault. I'm too busy editing questions in my typically slow fashion.

Gene Weingarten: Maybe not, but I have just purchased Liz an great present online that she doesn't know about. It is mass produced, but clearly is designed only for Liz Kelly.

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Mouse Clique, Va.: Gene,

We found mouse evidence in our garage and car. We're taking the offensive to the terrorists. If we don't fight them in the garage, soon we'll have to fight them in the kitchen. But we have questions!

What is more humane, spring traps or glue traps? Is it okay to re-use spring traps after a successful mousecution? What about mouse poison? What about moving away?

If you answer these to our satisfaction, next week we'll have some relationship/sex questions for you.

Gene Weingarten: Glue traps are the worst. Awful dreadful things that terrify the animals before they kill it with thirst. They die in as ghastly a way as possible. Spring traps are way more humane, in my opinion, and they usually work well.

Pat the Perfect AND the Empress use non-kill traps. They catch the mice and release them far away in the woods. I admire that. It is harder to do in the city.

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"Visceral reaction" to Hillary: And remind me again how Hillary's reaction to her husband's philandering affects her ability to be president? C'mon Gene, you know it's a slippery slope once we start evaluating the personalities and private lives of our leaders with the little info we have on them via the media. This is not a beauty or congeniality contest. This is about having the balls and wits to be a leader. Hillary's got 'em.

Gene Weingarten: I suspect you are right. I am for Obama for a very simple reason, a Machiavellian reason unrelated to Hillary Clinton's skills and judgment, which I suspect are equal to the job. In fact, I am willing to suppose, and possibly to believe, that Hillary Clinton will be a better president than Obama.

I'm for Obama because I believe he can defeat any Republican. I'm not for Hillary because I think she will lose to any Republican.

So sue me. We don't need four more years of Republican disaster in the White House.

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Rockville, Md.: OK. I know some questions are not answered, but you do talk about "updates" and I don't know where to find them. They are not discussed in the FAQ. I have asked this several times. Perhaps it is so obvious that it does not need an answer. If so, just say so. I will give up.

Thanks!

Gene Weingarten: Updates appear on Wed, Thur, and Fri, at the bottom of this chat. The chat, in other words, is "updated." You just have to call up this same very chat.

However, starting (I believe) next week, the updates will be replaced by a discussion group, in which you guys will be fighting amongst yourselves based upon something I write new each day. You also can feel free to use it to hook up. What happens in the discussion group stays in the discussion group.

Gene Weingarten: And that's it for today. I will be updating through this week.

Next week's intro, unless something intercedes: Tom Lehrer.

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UPDATED 1.30.08

Gene Weingarten: I wrote a whole book about what this guy does better in about six minutes. It's great.

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Washington, D.C.: Gene

I feel like you said some point that you were married before you and the Rib were married. I am dating a wonderful, wonderful guy. He is in the process of getting divorced. I know they are done. I woudl never date someone who I thought had a chance of getting back together with someone they had worked that hard to be with. The problem is that my father, twice divorced, thrice married, always always told me never to be the first person a guy who's getting divorced dates. He says that there's no way that can end well for the woman. My new guy and I talked this through last night, and we're going to keep at it. My question to you is: can your first relationship out of a divorce be anything other than a rebound? I feel a real connection with this guy adn don't want to just set myself up to get hurt.

Thanks!

Gene Weingarten: Your daddy is a great guy, and I would follow him into battle, but he is wrong on this one. I could give you several reasons, but you don't really need to hear them. Trust your own judgment here.

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Reclining airplane seats: Why do they even install them anymore, now that the rows of seats (seat-pitch) are so close together?

Gene Weingarten: Because they don't want to seem as though they have taken away an amenity; they are perfectly happy to create stress among travelers, and let us fight it out.

All they'd have to do is institute a rule that people should not recline without getting permission, but they'd never do that. Because it's an acknowledgment that they are cramming us.

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New York: "...our squeamishness for his courage"...barf. Puhleez. Anyone who runs for any significant public office knows the risk. It's bad business being a Leader of the Free World, period. I don't see how Obama's race is going to incite hate crime more so than anyone else. He'll have to be a lot more saintly and life-changing to become another MLK. He's just a wannabe.

Gene Weingarten: I disagree with you on the first part. It's sort of simple. Any president is subject to the threat of an assassination, but the threat rises enormously for a black president for the simple reason that the people who will detest him for being black will correspond quite directly with a subset of people who are imbalanced and who possess guns.

Bill Clinton also had lots of people who hated him, but these were mostly people who hated him because they felt he trashed Family Values and so forth.

I would be very afraid if I became the first black president. Very, very bad people are going to be the ones who hate me for what I am, and who feel threatened by me for that reason.

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Arlington, VIRGINia: Gene Weingarten: I think many readers of this chat are 21 and under. What's the problem with being a virgin?

Hey Gene, I'm a long-time lurker and D.C. expat currently studying in London. I'm also a 23-year old virginal female. I've kissed a handful of guys, but I've never had a serious relationship or even gone out on a date. I'm incredibly embarrassed about still having my virginity - it's certainly not to do with any religious or moral belief, I've just never had any interest (and I'm reasonably attractive, if I do say so myself). I mean, to be honest, if I was dating a guy my age and I found out he was a virgin, I'd think there was something weird about that. As a guy, would you see that as a problem? Is there an age after which it's probable that no one will want to sleep with a virgin? And would you say that's different for men and women?

Gene Weingarten: It sounds to me as though you have never been in love and can't imagine it happening to you. Right? It can. My advice to you is to relax and find someone you think you can trust, and make that leap of faith.

Having said that, I think there is nothing "wrong" with a 23-year-old who has not had sex. And I think there is no age that would make an attractive, intelligent, sweet woman off limits to a guy, whatever her sexual experience.

Having said that, I am not going to pass on any of the 4,500 offers I am going to get in the next few days from guys who want to help you out of your predicament.

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UPDATED 1.31.08

Gene Weingarten: Here is a dramatic bit of comics censorship I missed last week. It does underscore that Arlo and Janis is the hottest strip out there.

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Holy crap!: I'm the really bad person (for reclining my seat SLIGHTLY on planes) who's question appeared on that blog!!! Yikes!!! I don't want to appear to be a shrill sounding money-grubbing humorless arse who associates with a bloated conservative like that! Ew!

But incidentally Gene, I'm not completely inconsiderate of others, I always say Bless you when someone sneezes, I hold the door for others, and don't use my cell phone in public. Can you honestly say that tapping someone's bumper on purpose is considerate?

Gene Weingarten: That is like asking whether walking on the pavement is considerate. It's neither considerate nor inconsiderate. It is a part of living one's life normally.

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The Don: I am a woman. I go out to bars a lot. DON'T TOUCH ME. I'm petrified that this chat is going to lead to a legion of men who come up to me and try to stroke me. EWWWWW. You do that, uninvited, and you risk an uncomfortable amputation.

Gene Weingarten: The guy who is following The Mystery Method advice is not going to freak you out.

This is the sort of thing he will do: He will look at your hand and say, have you ever noticed something? It's weird but it's true. Look at my ring finger... see, it's longer than my pointer. But (gently taking your hand) look at yours. It's shorter. Believe it or not, men almost always have a longer ring finger, and women a longer pointer -- it's related to testosterone.

Or as he accompanies you to the bar for a refill, he will gently touch your back, kind of protectively to steer you through the crowd. Or you will make an observation he pretends to be in comradely agreement with, and offer a high five.

These are not creepy seeming things, and women -- smart, sophisticated women -- tend to like 'em. I have seen this in action.

The dorky guy will misuse this. And you will bust him for it. But done right, it does create a mild sense of intimacy.

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Washington, D.C.: Right -- clitorial stimulation is the only path to orgasm for a lot of women. And most men just aren't shaped in such a way to stimulate the right spot during intercourse. Hence, no orgasm during sex. Before and after, you betcha!

Gene Weingarten: Many, many women wrote various versions of this. I went with this one because i liked the "you betcha!"

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Californ, IA: Regarding boats and bridges, I can't believe that neither you or Dave know that it's long-established maritime law that boats have the right-of-way. Rivers were there before roads. I'll agree with you on the inconvenience of it all, yes, but really, look it up.

Gene Weingarten: Oh, we KNEW it was a law. But some laws have been changed over time. Like, for example, the one about a black person being worth three fifths of a white person. Times change. The advent of the horseless carriage should have provoked a change here.

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UPDATED 2.1.08

I'm curious: "My buddy broke up with a girlfriend by text message. Is that okay?"

How does this line work? I would think you're an ass for not knowing that "your buddy"'s a jerk.

Gene Weingarten: Ah, but it is all in the delivery.

You say it like it bothers you. Like, he's your buddy and everything, and you're a guy and everything, and guys are supposed to be senstive and everything, but something just really bothers you about this, and you want to seek the counsel of a woman to make sure you are right.

Here's what's interesting: 99.999 percent of all women will say that it's a really terrible thing to do. And then you say, yeah, OK, I realize that, but tell me the truth, haven't you ever dealt with a second date situation you didn't want by just not answering a phone call? Isn't that sort of the same dynamic?

And that usually gets some rueful reconsiderings, and, conversation-wise, you're off to the races.

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Candorville USA: I believe the joke originated with Dick Gregory. In the '60s, someone asked him if a Negro (as was then the proper term) could be elected president. He answered, yes, so long as he runs against a Puerto Rican.

Gene Weingarten: This reminds me of a joke by the late, great Godfrey Cambridge. He said that, unlike other black men, he never had a problem getting a cab in New York. When he wanted a cab, he just dressed up in a bedsheet, went in front of the U.N., and hailed a cab by calling outg "Moomba joomba boomba."

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Build a better mousetrap, D.C.: I wish I didn't know this, but I do. After a horrible experience with the glue traps my landlord put down, and knowing that there were stories about spring traps that weren't much more appealing, I bought a bunch of humane catch-and-release traps, baited them with chocolate and a smear of PB, and figured my troubles were over.

The mice avoided the traps for weeks. Then I went out of town for six days.

Long story short, remember that those traps are humane only if you're there to check on the damn things.

Gene Weingarten: Yeah, a couple of people reported the same thing, with similar backwashes of guilt.

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Silver Spring, Md.: I'm not sure if the name fits the time spent dealing with the government, but there is a joke in here somewhere:

(Washington, DC) DC-based Federal News Radio (WFED, 1050 AM) has announced the addition Patience Wait to its reporting staff. Wait has more than 12 years of federal journalism experience, including eight years as a senior writer at Government Computer News and four years as a writer and reporter for Washington Technology.

Gene Weingarten: The joke is plain as day. You know, the great thing here is that Ms. Wait's parents clearly knew what they were doing to their daughter. I wonder if she has forgiven them?

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Reality, USA: GW: I'm for Obama because I believe he can defeat any Republican. I'm not for Hillary because I think she will lose to any Republican.

And I'm just the opposite. Just as there is visceral hatred for Hillary, there is perhaps greater visceral hatred for the concept of a black man and his wife and children in the White House. Negative outcomes are not unprecedented when blacks compete for high office (see CA and TN). America is still too red and too red neck to accept a black man named Obama as it leader. It wasn't ready to accept a Jew as vice president or a foreign born woman as First Lady. I want a Dem in the White House as much as you, but I fear Barack will loose to hatred and we'll be stuck in a rut for another four years.

Gene Weingarten: This raises an interesting question I have had for some time.

Why is Obama "black"? Obviously, he is black because he identifies himself as black, but that only goes so far. Like Derek Jeter, Barack Obama is the product of a black father and a white mother. Why, like Jeter, isn't he simply thought of as half and half? And why can't each race claim him as their own, in their heart of hearts?

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A lie?: Do you feel a little bad about this? Isn't this a lie?

It's no more of a lie than dying your hair or wearing colored contacts...

Gene Weingarten: Interesting.

I guess the real question is, would a man feel bad about a woman if he tells her on their second date that she has some gray in her hair, but colors it all blonde? Dunno about the rest of the guys on this chat, but that wouldn't faze me in the least.

But what if she told me that the resume she put up in the online dating service wasn't quite right, in that she isn't the daughter of an astronaut, and never lived in Paris. That she put those things in to make herself more interesting.

That would bother me. I would worry about her character. And that's pretty parallel to a guy throwing out learned lines about stuff that never happened to him, to interest a girl in him.

I think I'm right here.

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Next Week's Chat. No faking.

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