Post Magazine: Relative Comfort

The family that lives together stays together -- at least for three Washington area clans.

The Lethbridges of Burtonsville, the Tolsons of Columbia and the Simmonds-Hamiltons in Laurel live in different versions of family compounds, bastions of kinship and intergenerational support. Although this phenomenon isn't tracked in census data or house builders' studies, it isn't as rare as you might think.

Freelance writer Linell Smith will be online Monday, March 3, at Noon ET to discuss the Washington Post Magazine cover story.

A transcript follows.

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Linell Smith: Hi, I'm Linell Smith. I wrote the cover story about family compounds in yesterday's Post magazine. Although there are no statistics about families who are choosing to live so close to one another, it seems that almost everyone knows of someone who is moving near another family member. This was fascinating to research and I look forward to hearing your stories and thoughts.

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Alexandria, Va.: There was an article in the Atlantic that suggested that family compounds will become the norm in the outer suburbs as the McMansions being built are out of reach for a nuclear family.

Linell Smith: Several sociologists I interviewed pointed out that many families are choosing to move near one another because of the economy. Young adults who are paying back college loans and getting a start in their careers appreciate the help with day care that their parents can provide. Also, elderly folks are moving closer to their children. often because they cannot afford to move into pricey retirement communities. The expense of life in the 21st century is bringing many families closer together. Housing costs in some areas of the country are beyond belief!

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Burtonsville, Md.: My family knows the Lethbriges and was happy to see the article in the Post yesterday. How did you learn about the Lethbridges' family story and decide to put them in the Post??

Linell Smith: What a wonderful family! I learned about the Lethbridges through a friend of mine whose husband works with one of the family members. It was particularly touching to learn how much some of the teenagers love living in "the neighborhood" and are devoted to their cousins and their family traditions.

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Fairfax, Va.: When I first read the by-line about family compounds, the first thing I thought of was the infamous cult compounds. However, after reading the article I have to say I really enjoyed the stories of families sticking together.

My family is a bit like this, as most of them were born and raised on Oahu in Hawaii and have either stayed or recently returned. While they might not be next door neighbors, the island is small enough to see relatives all the time.

Linell Smith: When I hear the term "family compound" I either think of cults, the way you did, or Kennedys. Either very spooky or very rich! That's one of the reasons I was so intrigued by the very family-centered trend I discovered. It seems to go against the typical American notion that kids grow up and scatter to the four winds. When I talked to sociologists about this trend, some said that the 1950s nuclear family was actually an aberration. At all other periods of time, families have relied more upon the various generations for support --- both emotional and financial. It's heartwarming, I think, to see how that need is expressing itself now.

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Southern Md.: Hi Linell -

I loved the article and can totally relate. My family grew up in Morningside (MD), just outside of Wash, DC and besides having wonderful neighbors and living in a very safe neighborhood (think Mayberry), my grandparents lived down the street, my aunt/uncle and six cousins lived on another street and another aunt/uncle and two cousins lived on yet another street.

In total, there were 22 of us living in Morningside and it was wonderful. I could ride my bike (safely) to any of these relatives homes. We shared every holiday meal together (at my grandmother's house) and I have wonderful memories of my youth.

Thanks again for the article.

Linell Smith: Thanks for sharing your story. I think that children who grow up with such a rich, intergenerational experience are incredibly lucky. And I can't help but believe they may also have a more confident and optimistic view of life. I would imagine you feel not only the love of your immediate family, but of the entire family community. It must provide a wonderful sense of belonging, as well as of sharing.

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Va.: My parents, my aunt and uncle, and my grandmother have all relocated in the last couple of years to an island community off the coast of Fla. While they don't live on the same block, you can get from one house to another in less than 5 minutes. My husband and I are now considering making the move to join them. There is just something so appealing about having family around the corner. If you had told me I'd feel this way 10 years ago, I would have laughed out loud, but now I love the idea of my kids being able to hop on their bikes and show up at Grandma's front door in minutes.

Linell Smith: I think a lot of people are surprising themselves the way that you have! Thanks for your insight.

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Arnold, Md.: I live next door to my in-laws. While many friends I know shudder at the thought of living near their parents or in-laws, I cannot complain. The in-laws do not invade my or my wife's privacy and they maintain their own social schedule. In addition, they are there as a frequent babysitter of my minor children and make an excellent neighbor.

Linell Smith: Thanks for your comment. I've had a lot of people tell me that living near their in-laws (not to be confused with living WITH their in-laws) has much to recommend it. And the grandchildren certainly benefit!

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Washington, D.C.: I was wondering if the idea of family compounds tend to be more the norm in immigrant communities (as with the Jamaican family profiled).

Also... it reminded me of the Mormon family on Big Love on HBO.

Linell Smith: I don't have any statistics about family compounds and the immigrant community, but I think many have observed that immigrants tend to live closer to others who share their language and culture when they first come to this country. What happens in subsequent generations is the story of our country at large. Now it seems as if some thoroughly Americanized folks are recapturing some of those familial ways of living, although not for all the reasons their ancestors did.

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Va.: hello, interesting article. Where I live in Prince William County, there are many families and many cars in the same houses. I wondered how each of the three families you profiled parked their cars? What are their sleeping arrangements?

Linell Smith: The families I profiled all live in separate houses, ones that are next to --- or very near --- the others. They park their cars the same way any regular homeowners would. It's not a case of three generations with ten people and four cars living under one roof.

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Vienna, Va.: I liked the story - reminded me of all the good things I share with my family. But you neglected to mention the downside, which can get old even if you love your family, as I do - there's less privacy. There's no concept of keeping any information to yourself when the moveable feast is always at your house or includes you. And if everyone isn't doing as well (economically) then stresses and tensions are harder to get away from. Did the families you talked to mention how they deal with this?

Linell Smith: The families I talked to did not share any difficulties they might have with me...although I certainly asked about them! When I was talking to one sociologist in researching this story, he told me that he thinks Americans want "intimacy at a distance" because of matters of privacy as well as a sense of being too obligated. Living close to one another can certainly enmesh folks in the problems of others and also lead to resentment if too much is expected of a parent or child or sibling. I think these are age-old problems, though, because it has only been recently that the country was prosperous enough to afford nuclear families where one person worked and the other stayed home to tend to the kids. Intergenerational relationships have been the norm in America as well as other countries.

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Va.: I visited North Dakota and many families are like that on farms and nearby farms and so on.

Linell Smith: Nothing to add, just wanted to share this comment. Thanks.

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Bethesda, Md.: After my father's death, my mother moved our family closer to relatives. My aunt watched her 2 kids and the 4 kids in our family after school. Between my family and my cousins across the street, we had a member in 4 consecutive graduating classes from the local high school. We've all moved away, but remain close. It was a great experience, that I wish I could repeat with my own kids.

Linell Smith: How wonderful to have those memories. And how wonderful that you all remain so close. Your kids can't help but benefit from hearing about and seeing your continuing relationships.

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Cohousing: While you focused on families, are you aware of this movement? It's communal housing that goes beyond just families, though families certainly make up a good deal of them, but where people have consciously decided to have these small communities together, with communal meals, etc?

You may find that movement interesting.

Linell Smith: Thanks for bringing up this interesting trend. I'm aware of one community near Frederick, Md. that I wrote about some years ago. I'd like to learn more about it.

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Good Fences: One thing I wondered about when reading this...if there was ever a dispute or disagreement with a (non-family) neighbor, it could get very touchy. To have a disagreement with one neighbor is one thing...but when that neighbor is tied to 20 or so other neighbors in the same family, it could get a little dicey.

Linell Smith: I imagine you're correct! Out of the families I interviewed, only one had that many neighboring family members. They lived together on a 44 acre property and, until recently, all of the 12 homes were owned by the family. To the best of my knowledge, they have not faced that type of situation yet.

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Baltimore, Md.: My memory may be faulty, or my family experience from the 50's on might be more unusual than I remember, but families in "compounds" or neighborhoods was the norm until the "generation gap" in the 70's and 80's. There also was a great economic upheaval that affected one's ability to work locally changed things as well. Now, with less of a generation gap in values and a more global economy that offers opportunities for different skill sets to find work in the same geographical area lends itself to a return of the family "village". Did you discover this as well?

Linell Smith: I think your observations are very apt. And I think technology and the internet, along with the disappearance of many manufacturing jobs, are allowing people to remain and work closer to home and enjoy the benefits that brings.

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Linell Smith: One thing that I found captivating about these families is that many of the older family members showed a willingness to change and adapt and try new things, perhaps, in part, because of their physical closeness to younger generations.

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Washington, D.C.: Linell:

Actually there are six cohousing communities in the DC area, and a total of 14 communities in neighboring states. Two fine examples include Takoma Park Village and Eastern Village in Silver Spring. Just last week a speakers series called Building Catholic Communities with a website by the same name, hosted the architect who designed these two communities and next week the architect who designed Blueberry Hill in Vienna will be speaking at this same series. The audience was very interested to learn more.

Suggest you check out the work this group is doing.

Linell Smith: Thanks for sharing this.

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Linell Smith: Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and stories about extended family compounds. Your contributions suggest that this is definitely more than a trend.

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