Books -- 'Things I've Learned From Women Who've Dumped Me'

"Daily Show" and "Colbert Report" producer Ben Karlin was online Thursday, March 6 at 3 p.m. ET to discuss his new book, "Things I've Learned From Women Who've Dumped Me." The book collects essays of lessons learned by comedians and writers including Stephen Colbert, Andy Richter, Patton Oswalt and Dan Savage.

A transcript follows.

____________________

Ft. Belvoir, Va.: Which one of your essayists was the biggest pain in the, let's say, neck?

Ben Karlin: Hey there. Sorry I am a bit late. I was doing important....okay, I wasn't doing anything important. Now, to your question: The biggest pain was someone who never even appeared in the book. In fact, there was only one person who I got really angry at during this entire process...which is a bit of a miracle, given how collaborative the whole thing was. I feel like saying who it is would be mean and unprofessional. Now I regret answering this question first.

_______________________

Philadelphia, Pa.: What is the correct response to this well known question posed through the ages by many women:

"Does this make me look fat?"

Ben Karlin: the anwer to that question is always "yes." That's Relationship 101.

_______________________

Richmond, Va.: Have you ever heard of a woman disappearing off the face of the earth as a breakup mode? Or do just men do that?

Ben Karlin: That happened to me once. i was dating an actress. We used to take our dogs on walks together. Then one day she never showed up to walk the dog and when I went to the restaurant where she worked they said she was gone. That actresses name? Myrna Loy.

_______________________

Single White Male: Hi Ben,

I happened to be watching the Today show when you were on with a few other guys (like A.J. Jacobs) discussing women who have dumped them. I bought your book because I love the concept.

As a man who has been dumped multiple times, I fail to see that I learned anything. How did you get guys to tell you their stories? Did you get any stories from guys that weren't in the book and weren't comedians? And did you get any stories from guys that didn't learn anything?

I haven't read your book yet, but I'm going to (it is on the nightstand next to a Family Guy DVD and a Playboy).

Hope there is a sequel!

Ben Karlin: Most of the guys who wrote a piece for the book did so way after the actual dumping. That way all the necessary time had passed (hopefully) to give them a perspective to write about it beyond, "I hate you for breaking up with me." That was the idea: What do people take away from a bad experience after they stop feeling bad about it.

There are several non-comedians in the book. Former Senator Bob Kerrey, Adam Schlesinger from Fountains of Wayne, Damian Kulash from OK Go, the novelist Sam Lipsyte and Nick Hornby. I didn't want it to be just comedians.

There were several stories I had to send back to people to burnish the whole "lesson" part of it. In some cases, I think the stories are more funny than they are helpful, which is fine. As long as there is some insight in the book. In that way, it's like riboflavin. You don't need a whole meal of it. Just enough to get your RDA. What the hell am I talking about?

_______________________

Richmond, Va.: Er, what woman dumped Dan Savage?

Ben Karlin: The first one he dated. Or at least tried to date. Before he found out it wasn't for him.

_______________________

Washington, D.C.: I've never gotten dumped. Does that explain why I'm so humorless?

Also I'm about a foot taller than Patton.

Ben Karlin: The reasons why you are humorless are probably far too varied and complex to get into in this forum. But height and never having been rejected are a good place to start.

_______________________

Milwaukee: Are you or any of the men better people for having been dumped?

Ben Karlin: I wouldn't say "better." How about "free to make brand new mistakes instead of the same ones over and over?"

_______________________

Greater than Great Washington, D.C. area: If I buy 100 copies of your book, may I get free tickets to "The Daily Show" and/or "The Colbert Report"?

Ben Karlin: you know tickets are already free to those shows, right? I mean, sure, yes, of course, if you buy 100 books you will absolutely be eligible for free tickets to the Daily Show and Colbert. That is a true statement.

_______________________

Arlington, Va.: Mr. Karlin,

Will this book appeal to women, or was it written more for men?

Also, re: "The Daily Show," it used to be that the guests were a mix of politics, current events, and Hollywood types. Lately it seems to be all politics and current events, even after the writer's strike ended. Have you given up on celebrities plugging movies and such?

p.s. I love your show. Thanks!

Ben Karlin: This book was scientifically crafted to appeal to both women and men, ages 8-80. In fact, this book and the game "Monopoly" are the only two things in the universe that can make that claim.

Seriously, I made sure that the pieces spoke to both genders, because I thought women would appreciate seeing men being a little more introspective about their relationship, while still being funny.

As for the Daily Show, I left my job there at the end of 2006, so....not sure I can speak to the way the show is being booked. Though it is an election year and we always cranked up the politics during one of those.

Please, still like me!

_______________________

White Salmon, Wash.: Have you ever had anything bad happen to you after a woman told all of her friends she was sleeping with you? Why do they do that?

Ben Karlin: I don't know if I've ever had a woman tell all her friends she was sleeping with me. Usually, women tell all their friends they aren't sleeping with me...and it's the truth.

_______________________

Arlington, Va.: I haven't read the book but I'm a quaking a tad because I'm slightly worried that some of the essays might be a tad sexist. Things along the line of "I learned never to argue with women because they're always right" and other Erma Bomback-style "wisdoms."

Ben Karlin: Well, I am pretty proud to say the book only contains about 6% wisdom and almost none of it is of the cornball variety. In fact, here are some sample titles of chapters: "Persistence is for Suckers" "Beware of Math Tutors Who Ride Motorcycles" and "Girls Don't Make Passes at Boys with Fat Asses." That last one is by Andy Richter, by the way.

_______________________

question the question: Two parter:

1. Are you a stickler for questions sticking to the topic?

2. What's your favorite color?

Ben Karlin: 1. Yes.

2. Taurus

_______________________

Washington, DC: Damian Kulash from OK Go - hometown boy. Just giving a D.C. shoutout. And another reason to buy the book, other than the impressive Ben Karlin.

Ben Karlin: Damian Kulash, who is, I believe a St. Albans grad, wrote one of my favorite pieces in the book, and the dude isn't even a comedy writer. He's a musician. Great guy, too.

_______________________

Philadelphia, Pa.: A woman once told me she was dumping me during a meal at Le Bic Fin, which is an expensive French restaurant. What does it mean when a woman waits until she is getting an expensive dinner to dump you?

Ben Karlin: It means that you should probably vet the women you date better.

_______________________

New York, N.Y.: I can't believe you got Andy Richter to write for your book. What woman would ever dump Andy Richter?

Ben Karlin: Turns out, a lot of girls. Though the story is mainly about how he wouldn't date when he was younger because he had such freaky body image issues. Then he discovered "artsy girls and beer" in college.

_______________________

Hong Kong:

Have any of the contributors' spouses or current girlfriends learned anything new about them from these ex-girlfriend lessons as well?

Ben Karlin: I haven't really done a lot of debriefing with the contributors about this, though I know that one writer ran into his ex who he wrote about. He said it was extremely awkward.

_______________________

Harrisburg. Pa.: One helpful advice to all men that I have learned from a woman who dumped me: wear a shirt on a first date. The undershirt look doesn't realy work until at least the second date.

Ben Karlin: Unless you are Keven Federline.

_______________________

RE: I've never gotten dumped.: You just THINK you've never gotten dumped.

Ben Karlin: There actually were several people who I talked to who said they've never been dumped...then it turns out that it's because they are the type of person who bails the second they think they are going to get dumped...just to avoid getting dumped.

_______________________

Rickreall, Ore.: Did you notice a recurring lesson surface in the essays, and if so, what was it, O Wise One?

Ben Karlin: First of all, I want to thank you for asking a question that in no way makes me feel like an even bigger fraud. Especially the way you worded it. I would say most of the contributor shied away from big philosophical points and hewed more the to the specifics of the story they wanted to tell. Hence essays with titles like, "Don't Enter a Karaoke Contest Near Smith College, You Will Lose to Lesbians." Not a lot of "general" use stuff in a story like that. The one recurring theme I noticed is that the signs are usually always there. It's just whether you choose to see them or not.

_______________________

Dating and marriage: When searching for the right women to date, is it helpful to get advice from one's wife?

Ben Karlin: More than helpful. Essential.

_______________________

you are too funny: I haven't seen/read the book yet, but by any chance did you consider having any bi or lesbian women share their experiences on this classic topic?

Ben Karlin: I actually asked Rosie O'Donnell, but she was in the middle of a book of her own. I also asked Ellen Degeneres, but she was hosting the Oscars. Those were really the only two lesbians I had connections to in comedy. Are there more I should know about? As for finding someone bi....I really wouldn't even know how to start to ask.

_______________________

Artsy girls and beer: I can't imagine the beer helped the body image issues. Unless he used it to drug his dates, which just doesn't seem like Andy.

(And if I'm planning to dump a guy after an expensive meal, I at least get the check!)

Ben Karlin: You are too kind. Spread the word.

_______________________

Oakland, Pa. : Was there an underlying theme in your contributor's essays? Some life lessons we can all take with us?

Ben Karlin: The best theme I pulled out of the whole excercise was fairly hopeful. Which is that non of the writers chose to be bitter or angry. Even the essay "A Grudge Can Be Art" is more whimsical than downright hostile. I think I came away marveling at how resilient most people are.

_______________________

worst dumping: By me: dumped the dude on his birthday. (The next day I was horrified that I'd done it on his birthday, but that night all I could think was I HAD TO GET OUT.)

To me: my fiance dumped me over the phone; ended an engagement over the phone.

Ben Karlin: I hope it was at least an iphone.

_______________________

Poetry: 'Sit better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?

If poets can use 'Tis, I can say 'Sit.

Ben Karlin: you just blew the 9 people who are reading this thing's collective mind.

_______________________

Washington, DC: Dumping over dinner seems cruel. Much better to dump over drinks. Then sorrows can be drowned quite easily after the dumper leaves.

Ben Karlin: Agreed. That way in can just be one drink...and then you are done with each other. Could you imagine breaking up with someone and then debating whether to get desert or try a cheese plate?

_______________________

"Unless you are Keven Federline": This is true. Because anything goes on a first date with a woman who refers to her bridesmaids as 'hos.

Ben Karlin: Clarification: She called them her "most esteemed 'hos."

_______________________

Rickreall, Ore.: Thank you for the reply, Ben!

Of course you know I wasn't implying you -- or any of your contributors -- are pretending to hold some great secret; I just didn't want to ask the question in such a way that the answer would be "Yes" and left at that.

Thanks again and best wishes with your book!

Ben Karlin: I would never answer a question with a simple, "yes." and leave it at that.

_______________________

"Does this make me look fat?": You can even elaborate and say "because you are fat." Because women want the truth.

Ben Karlin: yes.

_______________________

Resilient Writers: Sure they're okay with it now; they're successful enough to be included in your book!

Ben Karlin: Rest assured, there are many unsuccessful losers in this thing, too. Okay, maybe not many, but some. I am contractually forbidden to tell you who, however.

_______________________

Your audience: washingtonpost.com should have a lot of Government employees. Surely you have more than nine readers today, no?

Ben Karlin: I have no idea. 9 felt like a comedically sound number. I should have gone with 6. Sorry.

_______________________

Poetry, Take 2: How about:

"'Tis better to have loved and lost than to live with the psycho for the rest of your life."

Ben Karlin: I have that sewed on a pillow.

_______________________

RE: silience: Your pool of writers (successful folks) may be more resilient than the average schmoe. Not that I'm bitter.

Maybe a little. Does "seething" count as bitter?

Ben Karlin: Seething is an entirely different category than bitter. I feel like seething is not a state that can be maintained. Seething is like those zombies in "I Am Legend." Bitter you can carry with you on a low-boil for a pretty long time.

_______________________

Wheaton, Md.: What is the worst dumping scenario you can envision? For me, I'd hate to be the guy on the Jumbotron at the Dodgers game who proposes and is flat-lined.

Ben Karlin: If you propose on the jumbotron, you totally deserve to have her say, "no." I would imagine the worst dumping is when you just can't see it coming. When two parties see a relationship in two completely different ways. Like, Him: "I love you, I want to spend the rest of my life with you." Her: "I'm gay and moving out tomorrow."

_______________________

Editing: Someone is editing my questions, making me appear more literate than I really am. This offends me.

Did you similarly offend your contributing writers?

washingtonpost.com: I'm sorry.

Ben Karlin: That's okay. I have a question-answering robot doing most of my typing. Sadly, he's way funnier than me. And is self-aware and holding me hostage.

_______________________

Number of readers: Way more than 9. At least 12. At least one of who (ahem) is a hot, single girl. Just sos ya know.

Ben Karlin: If true, that would make you the first person who has ever accurately identified herself as a "hot single girl" in a web chat environment

_______________________

Why are most men dumped?: Poor hygiene? Bad personality? Not serious enough? Something better came along?

Ben Karlin: Yes. Yes. Yes. And yes. And then there are like, 14,000 other reasons. Though I think you did just describe Pete Doherty.

_______________________

First question: Be mean and unprofessional! You wanna books, don't you? (Always take advice from the faceless mob.)

Ben Karlin: I don't know what "You wanna books, don't you?" means...but I think you meant, "You wanna sell books, don"t you?" the answer to that is" "If I wanted to sell books, I would have been born in the 19th century."

_______________________

RE: Losers: "Ben Karlin: Rest assured, there are many unsuccessful losers in this thing, too. Okay, maybe not many, but some. I am contractually forbidden to tell you who, however."

Contract, schmontract!

Ben Karlin: This has been really fun. In fact, i think i like talking to the nameless and faceless more than most of my friends. I wonder if people communicating exclusively via the internet has some hidden downside?

_______________________

Rickreall, Ore.: It seems we've sort of (okay, no "sort of" about it) strayed off-topic, so...

Are you planning a book tour? Any chance you'll visit Oregon?

Ben Karlin: I've done a bunch of live shows with various contributors in New York and Los Angeles. We are doing the same thing this Sunday and Monday in Madison and Chicago. Check www.womenwhodumpedme.com for the schedule. Though there is not much more planned, since most of the contributors are from those cities.

_______________________

washingtonpost.com: www.womenwhodumpedme.com

_______________________

I can't imagine the beer helped the body image issues: Classic, Exhibit A personification of the male-female divide. Beer, when not abused, helps everything short of rigor mortis.

Ben Karlin: I am going to spend the next 36 hours trying to figure out if there is a question buried in this. Thank you all very much for taking time out of your...busy? day to talk with me. I do hope you enjoy the book. If not, at least buy multiple copies out of spite. And have I mentioned the whole thing about the hidden golden ticket and the free tour of the comedy factory? Alas, we are out of time. Thanks so much. Ben

_______________________

Washington, DC: Ben - that's a cute picture of you? Are you single?

Ben Karlin: Gulp. Bye.

_______________________

_______________________

Editor's Note: washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions. washingtonpost.com is not responsible for any content posted by third parties.