Listening to Feedback

Why Negative Feedback Fails to Register

In our increasingly self-absorbed culture, negative feedback is often distorted or tuned out. But learning how to accept criticism can bring someone closer to others and closer to his inner self.

Dr. Patricia Dalton, clincial psychologist, was online Thursday, March 20, at 11 a.m. ET to discuss her story Message Received? Nah. Why Negative Feedback Fails to Register.

A transcript follows.

____________________

Dr. Patricia Dalton: Hello. I'm Patricia Dalton and will be glad to answer questions about my feedback article.

_______________________

Harrisburg, Pa.: Are there better ways to deliver criticism so that people will better absorb it and not tune it out? What are the more effective ways to give someone criticism?

Dr. Patricia Dalton: The more you can deliver it directly and matter-of-factly, the better it will be received. It is especially useful to deliver it close to the time it occured--unless emotions are running too high.

_______________________

DC: One of my parents was diagnosed (when I was an adult) with a narcissistic personality disorder and one of the symptoms is an utter inability to hear/accept/entertain negative feedback -- it usually is turned back on the giver in a very hostile manner. So you're article reminded me of that parent. As do, frankly, the few online discussion boards I frequent, where insults make the sum total of someone's argument -- no matter how dispassionately someone tries to make a point using studies/statistics/other literature. I used to think my parent's disorder was rare, but now I wonder.

Dr. Patricia Dalton: Your parent's disorder is not rare. Narcissistic personality disorder is hard because the person is so invested in seeing him or herself in a positive light. Sometimes you can talk about the process: I'm frustrated because you act as if I am always wrong or off-base. Maybe what I am saying is true. Also ask them if they're heard it before ex. from another sibling

_______________________

Hibbing, MN: My boss always gives me negative feedback. But I know it is wrong. (Really). What am I supposed to do?

Dr. Patricia Dalton: You can talk to a co-worker who tends to be frank about the accuracy of the feedback: Do I do this? And then listen. If this person agrees with you that the boss is off base, then you can be more sure it is.

_______________________

Raleigh, N.C.: Thank you so much for your article and insights. I have struggled for several years to understand the bizarre behavior you described in my own family. I have watched my sister destroy her 32 year marriage to a great man--she absolutely will not acknowledge that she is ever wrong or ever apologize for anything, to her husband or anyone else. My brother-in-law has tried three marriage counselors, and though my sister agrees to go to counseling, once she is asked to look at her own role in any conflict, she refuses to go back. She is 55 and has pretty much alienated all her family -- if we don't agree with her interpretation of her life, she just refuses to speak to us. As her sister, I worry about her future, and though she won't speak to me, I still want to help her...

Dr. Patricia Dalton: It is really hard -- maybe impossible -- to help a person who is determined not to be helped. The defenses against looking at herself are ingrained and practiced over 50 years with your sister. Sometimes saying that you've decided not to try to help anymore unless she asks you can get her to think, and then show her you mean it. If she ever asks you what you think, tell her you're not sure it matters, but that something must be bothering HER to ask. That redirects it back to her, because she does know inside but acts as if she doesn't. And it's deeply buried to maintain her view of herself.

_______________________

Silver Spring, Md: I think I'm on the other end of the feedback problem. Yesterday I gave a presentation about implementing an idea I was excited about. The group I presented it to brought up all these negative points about it. I got through the meeting by writing down their comments and mumbled my way out saying I'd answer their questions. The rest of the day was ruined for me. Today I feel better, but my enthusiasm is gone. How can I not let negative feedback derail me?

Dr. Patricia Dalton: That is an question every person encounters in life and at work. I think it can help to first think through the merits of the feedback you got, and try to sift the substance from the noise. It can be helpful to talk to someone whom you trust who was there at the meeting, or at least who knows the people and the issue. The point is to learn new things to get better at the task, and to expect that this is one of the ways we learn -- by making missteps and mistakes. Many times as a new therapist (and to this day), I said and say to myself, "Well, I'll never handle that problem, issue that way again" when I realize it didn't work. This is one of those times when it is harder to be young than older because there is so much we learn by experience--and only by experience.

_______________________

Washington, DC: This article is very timely for me as I am currently trying to figure out how to have the "talk" with a friend who fits this description perfectly. Both she and her husband have alienated almost all of their friends, and some family, but continually blame those who they've alienated for all the conflict that has occurred. She still thinks, because I haven't bluntly said it, that I agree with her and she's right and everyone else is wrong. How do you get a person like this to see what she's done, particularly with a husband who has the same traits and reinforces her skewed world view? I fear she'll just cut me out too and not really think about the fact that she has no friends and what she could really do to change that.

Dr. Patricia Dalton: You put your finger right on a central issue -- people who don't like feedback let us know in no uncertain terms that being too frank could wreck the relationship. And it would be your fault! But the cost is that we feel false to ourselves, which is not a good way to feel. You could tell her that you like this person, that she has more merits than faults but that sometimes all she sees is the faults. At least you've gone on record as saying you see the situation differently. It is a real bad prognostic sign that she chose a man just like herself. Couple who never counter one another usually have relationships that are less lively -- and alive.

_______________________

Washington DC: In my experience, FEEDBACK is neither negative or positive. It's neutral. However, one's response can be a negative or positive "reaction". This society particularly in highly charged political communities, such as DC, we have become in authentic and the great pretenders. Feedback gives one the opportunity to move out of habits and automatic responses that no longer serve their life, the common goal or larger vision. Of course, the one giving feedback shares a responsibility to give with compassion and NOT judgment. That's the distinction between feedback and opinions or judgments.

Life Coach/Strategist

ReBirth Int'l

Dr. Patricia Dalton: The complication seems to come when a person thinks s/he is being fair and decent, but the tone or the content is judgmental. Or it actually is fair and neutral, but the receiver is so sensitive to criticism or negativity that s/he imagines when it isn't actually there.

In the best of all possible worlds, we'd give feedback well and listen and act on it. But we are dealing with human beings and don't seem to live in that world. I do think there are some relationships, families, and workplaces that come close, though.

_______________________

Washington, DC: I do think the feedback issue has two sides. As you point out with regard to parents, people today are very unused to/uncomfortable with giving feedback. Very frequently they wait to raise a concern until they feel very angry about it, and then the feedback can seem more like an attack than like a concerned intervention. Since everyone is in relationships that require feedback to stay healthy, everyone needs to develop skills at giving feedback. To me, the most useful skill is providing feedback in terms that reveal the impact of the offender's behavior on the person giving the feedback, in a way that asks for their support and understanding, rather than defining it entirely as the offender's problem. Every relationship is a two-way street, after all....

Dr. Patricia Dalton: That is a very good point, because the focus is on the feelings of the receiver than than an attack on the sender. Feedback seems to go well when it is addressed more naturally when the problem occurs. There are people who are just gifted at doing this simply and clearly, and they make good role models for the rest of us. When a person is afraid of conflict and anger or just too invested in being "nice," grievances get stockpiled and when they do get addressed, they come out with a vengeance.

_______________________

Northeast: It strikes me that there is a lack of empathy as well as a lack of receptivity to negative input today (and, perhaps some of these vignettes). I wonder if this doesn't become a pattern -- push back with all negative comments (like on the presentation or to the sister who won't take the "feedback") and then it becomes hard for the recipient to hear. No recognition for the presenters enthusiasm or the real pain the sister is enduring. Clearly, there are cases on either end of the spectrum -- where the negative comments are totally unfounded or totally ignored, but I find most cases are more nuanced. Just a thought.

Dr. Patricia Dalton: A supervisor I once had made this statement to me: Empathy is the primary human characteristic. I've thought of it many times, and years later I think he was right. We'd have a better world if our first reaction was empathy (or curiosity) rather than self-protection. When we empathize with someone, and this is always true of good relationships, we are able to be less defensive and really open to what they are saying. We are thinking more of connection than self-preservation or dominance.

_______________________

Dupont Circle, DC: How much of the problem is that people don't know how to give constructive negative criticism?

Dr. Patricia Dalton: It's a big problem, and it occurs from school days to old age. Sometimes I think it occurs because people need more self-respect, because the people with the most of it seem to respect others as well. And maybe it's also a skill deficit. We may not have experienced enough constructive criticism and feedback ourselves to then know how to give it.

_______________________

New Haven Ct: Dr. Dalton -- I did something really stupid but I have taken responsibility and am trying to remedy the situation. That said, one of my neighbors is making constant digs to me personally and to others near me. How can I be sure that I don't get defensive and dismiss what could be legitimate issues? I have been groveling for about a week and I am about to hit back...

Dr. Patricia Dalton: You don't want to grovel to people like this because it reinforces their behavior. Sometimes just staring at them and holding the eye contact longer than usual makes your point without saying a word. Or just saying I'm not sure I agree with that puts you on record as objecting rather than letting the statement stand. We need to unite against such trouble makers. Otherwise they win through intimidation!

_______________________

Princeton, NJ: Here is a paradox I often ran into with my ex. How do you tell someone that they don't take criticism well?

Dr. Patricia Dalton: Issues with ex spouses occupy a separate category in the feedback area, because there is so much history and some of it is clearly negative. One of the best thing ex-spouses can do is to strive for a civil tone with one another. If a discussion is going well, feedback within it will be received better.

_______________________

Rich: I work with two men who do not like me for various reasons. I do not like them either, mainly because they do not honor the client/case worker protocol and abuse their positions. I have taken the offenses to the director to no avail, and am looking for new employment. What I would like to tell them when they say I am not a "team player" is my truth, which is they are taking advantage of a group of vulnerable men (homeless, recovering addicts). What are my chances of success using some negative feedback here, or will it just cause me more misery?

Dr. Patricia Dalton: You have a difficult situation, and you are outnumbered. And you raise a good point: if addressing a difficult issue (even if it is the truth) can be predicted to do no good, then it may be pointless to address it -- and cause you grief in the process. Some problems just can't be solved on the colleague level. It is the responsibility of the boss to address what is going on, and you may feel better if you acknowledge that.

_______________________

Dr. Patricia Dalton: I hope that this has been helpful to those who participated. It was an interesting array of situaitons and dilemmas to discuss. Thank you.

_______________________

Washington, D.C.: Dear Ms. Dalton, I very much like your article. Illustration: We have someone in our office who is exactly as you described in your article. After receiving negative feedback from the team member, he called a team meeting and tried to do what you called in your article as the un-apology action ("I'm sorry, but..."). Question: How should we treat this type of person? In particular because now he is trying to shift the blame of his negative feedback to others.Thank you.

Dr. Patricia Dalton: If you are in a group, you can point out what he is doing: changing the subject, and redirect it back to him. It helps if someone else backs you up, but you don't want to gang up on him.

_______________________

Editor's Note: washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions. washingtonpost.com is not responsible for any content posted by third parties.