Let's Talk About Sex

How do parents explain sperm donors, same-sex partners and other aspects of sex that aren't easy to discuss with kids? What does a parent do when the conversation leads to more intimate details of the birds and bees?

Debbie Roffman, author of "Sex and Sensibility: The Thinking Parent's Guide to Talking Sense About Sex," was online Tuesday, April 15, at 11 a.m. ET to discuss how parents can talk about various aspects of sex and sexuality with their children.

A transcript follows.

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Debbie Roffman: Good morning! Thanks for joining us to talk about this wonderful and challenging topic.

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Alexandria: I guess I've always assumed that when my son's curious, he'll ask. Well, I must have the world's most uncurious 8 year old, because he's never so much asked where babies come from, how his baby sister got in to my tummy, or even why boys look different than girls. Should I begin to broach these subjects, then, even if he isn't asking? And how do I begin this discussion if he hasn't asked? Thanks!

Debbie Roffman: Years ago parents were advised to "wait until children asked." The assumption was that they always would and that waiting was the best policy. Not! When children do ask it's helpful for the adults, because it gives us a place to start. If you think about it, if there was another subject we wanted our children to know or learn about we'd just go ahead and bring it up ourselves. The same exact principle applies to the topic of sexuality. A good way to start is simply to say what you've written--"You know I'm surprised you haven't asked anything about where babies come from! That's a really important subject, so let's talk about it! What do you think or know about that topic."

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Takoma Park: Hi Debbie -

Can you advise us how we can talk with children, (i.e. what language is effective) about women who become single mothers by choice? This is how today's article begins, and I would appreciate hearing how a parent or adult can best field these questions. Thank you.

Debbie Roffman: I think discussions like these give us opportunities to both clarify our own values for our children and also to help them understand that others may have different values and make different choices in accordance with their own life and life history.

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Washington, DC: I have a delicate situation. My 15-year-old niece lives with my parents, her grandparents. Having received my "sex talk" from my mother, I know that my niece should get more information and another point of view, and that it's my responsibility. However, my niece was sexually abused as a small child, and she abused another child in turn. She has received, and continues to receive, much therapy and is now functioning as a healthy normal teenager. But I am hesitating to discuss sex with her, the way I did with my own child, because of her past. Part of me thinks I should leave it to the professionals, but part of me thinks she also should have an adult who loves her to talk to.

Debbie Roffman: We of course want all children to understand sex from a healthy perspective. One of the many potential problems for children who have been abused is that they have already "learned" about sex in an unhealthy and exploitive way. Part of their recovery is learning about sex in a healthier context from the adults in their lives who love and care about them. You might want to check in with the therapist, however, about the conversation you'd like to have with your niece.

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Annapolis: We have had on going open talks about sex and relationships with our 14-year-old twin boys. Although they both have girlfriends and they say they are not "doing anything", I overheard a phone conversation that tells otherwise. What do we do now? We are careful to supervise and chaperone, but it has still happened.

Debbie Roffman: Many people would agree that having sexual experiences (kissing, hugging, holding, touching) is part of the normal teenage experience. Sexual intercourse, if that's what you think might be happening, is way beyond the maturity level of 14 year olds for many reasons and it's really important to state those reasons clearly to our children. If your sons are truly receiving adequate supervision, they may experiment with new behaviors without going way beyond age appropriate boundaries. It's really helpful when parents not only share what behaviors they think are within acceptable boundaries (and why) as well as those that are beyond their children's level of maturity.

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Northern Va: I think I am way behind schedule in talking about sex with my 11-year-old son and 9-year-old daughter. Their doctor suggested that we get books for the children, have them read the books, and then open up a discussion. What do you think about this approach, and do you have any specific suggestions for their age ranges and sexes? Thanks.

Debbie Roffman: I can recommend books by Robie Harris, who has written several for various ages. You can probably find them at libraries and book stores. Be sure to read them carefully for your own comfort level -- they are excellent and pretty comprehensive. There's also a neat book by Gitchel and Gitchel called "Let's Talk About Sex." It's meant to be read by 9-12 year olds and their parents.

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Washington: There is a story in today's Health section as well as a posting on the blog, The Checkup, about modeling behavior for kids -- and whether it works. I'm a believer in setting good examples -- but how can we model good sexual behavior? I mean, some things are PRIVATE. And I'm not prepared to talk to my kids about what my husband and I did before we were married. (We were kids of the pre-HIV sixties.)

Debbie Roffman: One of the things we want to model for kids is precisely what you say -- that sex is supposed to be personal and private. In fact that's the point! And it's also what kids DON'T see modeled in popular culture. However, sex is part of life and can be spoken of as such in the context of human relationships in general, not necessarily our own personal experiences. Our job as parents is to help young people understand the ingredients of a happy, healthy sexual life -- and that's not about "positions"! We help them when we talk about the nature of intimacy of all kinds, for example, and then show how that concept is connected to sexual intimacy. As anotherr, we help them when we identify and reinforce the values and communication skills we want them to bring to all of their relationships, and help them to see how they apply to relatinships that include sex.

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23112: I've got a son who's only 3-1/2, and while he knows that he has a penis (and that his little brother does too), I don't think he's quite picked up on the fact that girls don't. Making it more awkward, our female dog has a tendency to lie on her back, legs splayed, and our son points to her little vaginal fold and calls it a penis too. Yikes! We're trying to teach him that there's a difference, but getting a busy 3-year-old to discern gender differences is no picnic.

Debbie Roffman: Relax!! Children best learn by noticing differences and getting our help in understanding them! People have different hair color too and we don't hesitate to explain that. A young child's curiosity about how bodies are formed and how they are different is totally natural and healthy. We adults make connect this information to adult sex, but that's our own projection. It's great that you have a dog and can use this as a concrete example. By the way, it's not that boys have a penis and girls don't! Boys have a penis and girls have a vulva -- which includes their labia, clitoris and vaginal opening.

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Baltimore: Hey Debbie, We've met, but I've never felt comfortable asking a question like this in a public forum like the school seminars you give. But what about sexual behavior and bonding that is condoned by today's politically correct society but I believe is morally wrong? I worry that my kids will get a message from their friends that things are OK that I believe are unethical. But I also don't want to sound like I belong in a convent because I believe there is more chance they will rebel against that.

Debbie Roffman: I'd suggest first that you very clearly define the word morality for yourself - -what makes a sexual behavior moral or not from your point of view? You'll need to articulate that very clearly to your child. And that by no means makes you "old fashioned." The core values that we hold that have withstood the ages are not "out of date." Ethical values in particular (respect, responsibility, compassion, empathy, honesty, etc.) better not go out of style. They are the basis of ethical, just societies and relationships.

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Severna Park: What can we say to middle schoolers who may be pressured by peers? We have always had open discussions about sex, relationships and moral values, now hormones are taking over.

Debbie Roffman: I'm always careful about the way I use the phrase "peer pressure." Sometimes in the way we use it we make peers sound like enemies, and kids won't like that. Also, the pressure to be like peers and to fit in is normal and most often comes from within, not some other child saying "do this or else." We can help by doing just what you are doing -- helping our children grow as people -- and also making sure they have adequate supervision at all times. Their experimentation and trying on new behaviors (for whatever reason, including pressure) will stay within acceptable limits if we make the boundaries around them clear (and stick to them).

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Baltimore: How do parents overcome the "sex is no big deal" mentality pervasive in middle and high schools these days? How do we let kids know that casual sex, especially when you're not emotionally mature, can indeed be a big deal?

Debbie Roffman: Sex of any kind is a big deal. There have been first kisses that have changed the history of the world. The advertisment, entertainment and merchandizing industries lie to our children about this -- they pretty much make sex look simple, easy, and without human meaning. Rather than emphasize the negative consequences of seeing sex in this way, I suggest we talk to kids about how cheated they will be if they buy into (literally and figuratively) into this deception. The most important thing to say is that we want them to understand sex as a way of being with another person that is rich in potential meaning and that it is at its core about human intimacy which is a fundamental human need.

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Richmond, Va: Do you recommend any books to help talk about sex with young kids? Something appropriate for a 5-year-old (and 3-year-old twins who may be curious as well)?

Debbie Roffman: Again, Robie Harris' books are excellent.

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Annapolis: We think our 14-year-old son is having sex. What do we do now?

Debbie Roffman: Do you mean sex as in intercourse? Think of it this way. What you do if you knew your son was involved in any behavior that you had concerns about? That's exactly what your role is in this situation. The only difference is that you need to be especially sensitive to his feelings about privacy and his adolescent need for separateness at this stage -- but remember, of course, that he's in no way an adult and needs your guidance.

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Annapolis: Is your up coming "Middle School Years" talk for adults and/or teens?

Debbie Roffman: Sorry -- to what talk are you referring?

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DC: EEEWWW ICK! I can't believe your reply to 23112 -- it turned my stomach. I certainly would not explain that to a 3-year-old.

Debbie Roffman: Let's remember that I'm not talking about explaining anything. I'm talking about giving children correct names for their body parts.

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Washington, D.C.: I agree with talking early and openly about sex and sexuality. I have two sons, neither are above 10 years of age. I'm often criticized about my frankness and honesty with our youth on this subject.

Question: At what point should one pull back a bit on the sexuality/sexual activity pep talk/mentoring. I assume the whole "hey son this is a porno, look and learn wink! wink!" is bad, or the "here's my friend Diamond Lust; she'll settle any questions I didn't answer son enjoy, and (nudge)make me proud" might be a little too much. These are extremes and there is always "different folks, different strokes" but when in general (if ever) should I say you'll just have to see that when you get there?

Debbie Roffman: Again, education is not the same thing as titillation. Our job is to help kids understand sex in the most human of ways. We're not walking talking genitals -- we're human beings who are sexual as part of our humanity. Depictions or explanations of sex that are mechanical or titillating do not teach kids what they most need to know. We can let kids know that sex is very individual and the best sex involves having the trust to communicate what is most pleasing to each other. It's not a performance or an endurance contest, or anything like what you'd see in pornography.

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Annapolis: Included in today's article, Thursday at Alice Deal Middle School

Debbie Roffman: Thanks -- I'll cover childlren's five core needs as they grow toward healthy sexual maturity, and the five corresponding roles for adults.

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Olney, Md: My 12-year-old son wants to look at porn and asked me if he could. I said no. He asked for a Playboy magazine, I said maybe. I bought him a Sports Illustrated swim suit magazine. We talk about everything, I answer all his questions truthfully and openly. He has been through sex ed at school, but that just left him with more unanswered questions. I can handle the questions I'm just a little lost on what is the best thing for me to show him? He's really smart and wants to know more then any of his friends, although he's too shy to ask a girl to the dance (thank goodness for that at 12 yrs. old)

Debbie Roffman: Truthfully, most "sex education," especially in the earlier grades, has very little to do with "sex." It's more about reproduction and puberty. There are many understandable reasons.

Why 12 year old boys and girls might be very curious about this subject. What they need is not only information but contex t-- it's important to stop and think about what message pornography (or even "soft porn" like what you might see Playboy) sends to young people about in what the context for sex should be. Pornography is about commercializing sex (most of us want our children to think of sex in terms of caring relatiohsips) and also gives very unrealistic portrays both of sex and human bodies. I'd suggest that there are better ways to satisfy curiosity than this strategy which also gives these additional, problematic messages.

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washingtonpost.com: Debbie Roffman has an event she must attend. Readers are welcome to contact her at her Web site www.sexandsensibility.net

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Editor's Note: washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions. washingtonpost.com is not responsible for any content posted by third parties.