Carolyn Hax Live: Fitting In to "The Family," Pregnancy and Body Image, Teen Drivers and Accidents, and Pushy Grandpas

In her daily column in The Washington Post Style section, Carolyn Hax offers readers advice based on the experiences of someone who's been there. Hax is an ex-repatriated New Englander with a liberal arts degree and a lot of opinions and that's about it, really, when you get right down to it. Oh, and the shoes. A lot of shoes.

Carolyn was online Friday, April 25 taking your questions and comments about her current advice column and any other questions you might have about the strange train we call life. Her answers may appear online or in an upcoming column.

A transcript follows.

Write Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com.

Carolyn's Recent Columns

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washingtonpost.com: Note to readers: Over the past couple of weeks we have received complaints from participants in various discussions about an inability to access or refresh an ongoing chat. If you experience such problems today, please submit a comment to the chat with a description of the nature of your problem, what browser you are using, etc. Or, you can e-mail that information to elizabeth.terry@wpni.com. Some users have been able to refresh the page by holding down the Control button when they hit Refresh. Thanks for your patience and your help. We are trying to get to the bottom of this.

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Capitol Hill: I'm not the only one to offer this take on today's letter, I'm sure. Why doesn't the husband tell these panty-flingers to back off? I mean, wouldn't it be easier for the letter-writer to take it up with one person (her husband), rather than running interference on every drunken fool out there? Whispers in his ear 50 times? Believe me, he could put a stop that behavior in a N.Y. minute.

Carolyn Hax: Nope, you're not the only one, and I certainly considered it. Two reasons I didn't get into it: 1. I wasn't as confident as you are that the husband isn't trying to discourage the panty-flingers. Yes, someone could get them to go away with a mere expression, as I suggested she should herself. However, not everyone comes to that solution or feels right doing it. We all know someone who feels funny about being perceived as rude when it comes to brushing people off. Without any details about him, we couldn't rule out that he's one of those guys. In fact, I tend to believe the wife would have mentioned it if he encouraged these women or clearly liked the attention.

2. She asked me, he didn't. It always feels weird to me (and ultimately unproductive) when I tell them the other people "should" solve their problems for them. I know I do it sometimes, but I try to pick my moments. In most cases, I try to give solutions that are limited to the facts at hand, and that the questioners can undertake on their own.

Thanks for the chance to explain my reasoning.

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Woodbridge, Va.: I have been married 7 years, and for about 4 of them I've wanted out. Complications: I have been at home with my son for 4 years and am having a really hard time finding a job. I don't have any savings. I'm wondering if I leave with my son, if my husband will try to get custody, and since he has a steady job and career, that he'll get him. I don't have any family, and while I have a few friends their support is limited. Should I stay and be miserable or take the risk and, assuming he'll agree to a separation, walk out with little prospects?

Carolyn Hax: Talk to a lawyer. Don't make any big moves until you have a realistic, fact-based idea of what might happen, based on the details of your situation. When you have that information in hand, you can start to make the necessary decisions to work toward your independence.

If you can't scare up the money for a consultation, call the Women's Center (thewomenscenter.org) and explain that you need a referral to low- or no-cost legal counsel.

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Winchester, Va.: Carolyn,

In your next chat, could you bring up the issue of in-laws and what to do with them? (And what they should do with you, to be fair.) I come from a big, close family, which I'm starting to see could be intimidating for a newcomer -- lots of politics, people you can trust and people you can't, people to protect, secrets, la la la. From my end, it is problematic that some of my siblings have married people who don't seem to understand the rules of the family, e.g. loyalty, compassion, inclusion, discretion, etc. Is it the married sib's responsibility come across with "rules" (for lack of a better word) about what we kids have been taught about family relationships? What happens if there's disagreement about what's expected post-wedding/post-kids? What's my position as an unmarried sibling in this picture? The changes in my family are freaking me out. By the way, this is not about petty stuff. One major thing: I have two sisters-in-law in particular who look down on two of my brothers with pronounced contempt because they have problems with drugs and alcohol, and act like they're not even part of the family. Their husbands, my brothers, don't really act that way, but there's no strong resistance to this from them or anybody else. Should I do something?

Carolyn Hax: I have a hunch that all of you collectively could benefit from a few rounds of minding your own business. It's so strong a hunch, in fact, it's starting to twitch.

There's close in the sense that you keep up with, support and show a general loving indulgence toward each other, and there's close in the sense of adhering to a rigid sense of how family Should Be and of policing those who have the temerity to grow and live by their own ideas.

The former stays together largely by gravity, like a planet, except the pull at the center comes from love. The latter stays together from the outside, with a steel cage.

It can be hard to know you're in the latter when you're in it. Some signs to look for are family members who get away and never come back; those who stay and struggle with substance abuse (i.e., they escape on the inside); and those who marry dominant/domineering people, thereby getting someone strong enough to yank them away from the domineering person (steel cage) of the family.

If you see in your family a resemblance to Family Type 2, not 1, then I think that's already the most important step you can take: getting as close as you can, realistically, to taking an objective view of this "intimidating" mass.

Next, I would propose a live-and-let-live stance. Your responsibility to this family is not to the Family, but to each individual bond you have with each family member. Nurture those along as conscientiously as you can. What happens to the whole affects you, sure, but it doesn't rest on your shoulders.

Finally, if you find your self continuing to struggle, with this, counseling wouldn't be a bad idea to help you sort it all out.

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Carolyn Hax: I hope what I just posted explains/justifies the long lull. Sorry about that.

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Today's column: I'm thinking maybe there's another side to the panty-flingers. Maybe they know fully well that he's taken, and happily so, therefore they feel no pressure to follow through with shameless flirting. Could you spin this that he's filling a valuable service to these sad women?

Carolyn Hax: Possibly, but he shouldn't do so at the expense of his wife. If he has chosen to indulge them by remaining passive, she at least should be in on the choice.

I also think even "sad" women in this situation should show a little more respect for the wife, not to mention their own dignity.

But, there's the "sh" word again.

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For Woodbridge: She doesn't say why she wants out and it may be a complete coincidence that the time period she's wanted out coincides with the time period she's been home with her son, but . . . does that suggest anything to you? Becoming parents and changing the work dynamic of the family often doesn't go the way couples expect. Now she's got a young kid with this man and she seems to have started feeling she wanted out on the way home from the hospital. I would wonder about untreated post-partum depression, etc.

Carolyn Hax: Certainly could be that, thanks. I doubt it's a complete or even partial coincidence. The dynamics (or, in a lot of cases, politics) of bringing home a baby are the undoing of so many couples that I don't even flinch when I see it any more. In most cases, though, the issue is that the baby brings out behavior in Mom or Dad that Dad or Mom feels is a dealbreaker, sometimes justifiably.

Since there's no information in this case, it's hard to say, "Go get counseling to save the marriage" if, say the spouse is abusive toward the spouse or child. But if it's at all gray in this case (mom of 4-year-old, you still out there?), then a round of counseling for her, also conveniently available at the Women's Center, could turn up possibilities for repairing the marriage, and even if it is abuse it could be useful for the mom to help her extract herself.

Thanks for the prodding.

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Blahs and More Blahs: Hi Carolyn,

It seems that everywhere I turn these days there's bad news - food shortages, rising gas prices, etc. - and it's really starting to get me down. How do you deal with things when there's so much negativity out there?

Carolyn Hax: Cultivate your little patch of earth the best you can, and, if you have any energy left over at the end of the day, pitch in on someone else's.

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Carolyn Hax: Then you can all hold hands and sing Kumbaya.

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Help!! Early pregnancy freak out : I'm about thirteen weeks pregnant with my first baby, not really showing yet. VERY excited about the baby but panicking about the pregnancy itself. Stretch marks, weight gain, nausea, etc... it terrifies me that I won't recognize my body (and that my husband won't, either). What words of solace can you or your readers offer?

Carolyn Hax: At 13 weeks, you probably would have had nausea already if you were going to, so now it's stretch marks, weight gain, heartburn.

It'll still be your body, and it will be doing a very cool thing, so sit back and enjoy it (though eventually you may need a hand getting back up). Not to trot out the evil sh-word again so soon, but your husband -should- appreciate your body's amazing, and I think, honestly, beautiful transformation with you. The best way to ensure a man does this is to choose a good one, and so at this point I guess all you can do is hope you did and hope he comes through for you.

Your attitude will help, by the way, in the same way that a confident woman is prettier than one who is constantly worried about her butt size, even if Woman 2 has a smaller shapelier butt. Let yourself see this as magic, not a scary takeover by an alien being.

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Woodbridge, Va.: Hi. I'm the mother of the 4 year old that wants out of her marriage. I thought a little more about it, and we were fighting a good amount of time before I was pregnant. Really only the first two years were good. We are really incompatible. We went to marriage counseling but my husband cut it off when, as he put it, "the counselor wasn't making me do what I should" (at the time the biggest issue with him was I wouldn't get pregnant again.) We haven't slept in the same bed since before I got pregnant. He is reluctant to plan family stuff and on the weekends our schedule already resembles a divorce. He refuses to do anything together. I have been employed in the past, but as I said I'm having a hard time getting a decent-paying job.

Carolyn Hax: I assume you mean making you do what you should (to make him happy)?

Anyway, thanks for elaborating. I hope the Center is able to provide the resources you need. If not, then please e-mail me at tellme@washpost.com and I'll see what else I can do.

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Panty-flingers and body rubbers: Once or twice, I behaved similarly myself in front of someone's husband. I was very ashamed of myself and quite embarrassed later. I think feeling sorry for these women is the correct response. Did I want to get something started with the guy? No. Why did I do it? Extremely low self-esteem, plain and simple. The wife would have been totally justified in saying something to me, but she didn't. Her grace and friendliness made me realize that I needed to act better.

Carolyn Hax: Sounds like it hurt just to type that. Thanks for the useful perspective.

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Bad News Overload: Also, try not to read/watch so much about all the bad stuff - being informed is one thing, inundated another. Especially if you're picking up all this bad news on television, where they tend to hyper-ventilate anyway - why I'm reserving television for baseball.

And then I sing "Sweet Caroline," rather than Kumbaya, and try not to think of Neil Diamond saying he composed after seeing an eight-year old Caroline Kennedy....

Carolyn Hax: Ew. Great suggestion, though--I'm not just a Washington Post employee, I'm also a reader. I cut off the TV news supply when I realized almost everything was being delivered in the THIS IS HUGE tone, when what substance there was clearly didn't justify it. Reading news gives more facts, and more room for the facts themselves to set the emotional tone.

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For Woodbridge: I'm a public interest attorney who practices family law. I would definitely recommend that Woodbridge speaks to an attorney before acting. She can check out Virginia Legal Aid at www.vlas.org which provides free legal services for those financially eligible. She may qualify. If not, they could probably give her referrals or at least tell her how the court process works.

Carolyn Hax: Great, thank you.

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Me again: It's me. The woman who was having a C-section baby with a heart defect. Just wanted to write in to let you all know how things went. My father-in-law - after saying he would be fine coming to the hospital on day 2 - came to the hospital while I was in surgery. The hospital staff allowed him to hang out until I was wheeled into my room and then let him in my room. My husband was understandably furious with him but didn't want to cause a scene so he let him stay. I was very sick from the anesthesia and throwing up every couple of minutes. My blood pressure dropped dangerously low - and kept dropping - causing nurses and doctors to run into the room every few minutes. I couldn't sit up in bed because every time I did, I threw up. It was awful. My baby, on the other hand, did far better than we even hoped or expected. His heart issue ended up being nothing more than a slight murmur and he did not need surgery!!! Anyway, FIL stayed for about 15 minutes and after seeing me throw up for the 5th or 6th time, he left, saying he would visit us at home when everyone was feeling better. I was pretty upset with him and my husband was furious but we just let it go. The fact that our baby did not need surgery just overwhelmed us with so much happiness and gratitude that I think we would have forgiven almost anything at that point!! I think FIL was feeling a case of the "i told you so's" and was embarrassed. So for any grandparents out there who think we're being insensitive when we tell you to visit later, please respect our wishes. We aren't doing this to upset you. We're doing it out of necessity for our own comfort at a very, very uncomfortable time.

Carolyn Hax: And if this isn't persuasive enough, then throw up on his shoes.

Congratulations to you and your husband for having the wisdom and compassion that your FIL couldn't muster himself, for your recovery and of course especially for your healthy baby.

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After an accident: My sweet, wonderful smart 17 year old daughter totaled her practically new car this week. Thankfully, everyone walked away. There is no doubt it was her fault; she got a ticket. We've discussed the careless lapse of judgment that caused the accident, and her excellent defensive actions that saved some lives.

What sort of consequences are appropriate?

Carolyn Hax: Hm. Seems the situation itself handed out consequences aplenty. In that case, a clear and incremental path toward earning back her car privileges would come next. And, if she can't pay the ticket herself, she can also work her way through a list of jobs to pay you back for it.

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Maryland: My parents are visiting, here to meet their first grandbaby. We just moved (to a house with no guest room), so things are chaotic and messy, but we're glad to have the little guy meet his Grammy and Gramps. They're staying in what will be the kid's room when he's not sacking out with us.

Gramps invited his brother to come from out of state to visit without asking me first. When my uncle called to double check, I told him to come on down, but to stay in a hotel as we have no place to put him and I have not unpacked the guest stuff anyway. I told my dad this very clearly.

My husband and I are sleeping in the living room some repairs are made to our bedroom, did I mention that?

So I'm reading your chat, and nursing the kid, and I just heard Gramps tell his brother to not go to a hotel because we're family.

My dad has never been this disrespectful before! What do I do?

Carolyn Hax:"Is there something else going on here? You've never known you to be disrespectful, and yet you're inviting Brother here against my expressed wishes."

Draw line, hold line, stay kind. Good luck.

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babyville: Carolyn, what reasons does bringing home a baby "undo" a couple? Any signs to look for or things to keep in mind so you and partner don't get "undone"?

Carolyn Hax: When two independent adults are together, they can maneuver independently well enough to bypass a lot of difficulties. Let's say one is a slob and the other neat; if it's just the two of them, he can chuck her stuff into her unruly closet and not have to look at it. If he's lazy, she can cook when she feels like it and get takeout when she doesn't. If she has a rude or demanding streak, he's an adult, he can shrug her off. If he's a workaholic, she can do her own thing and see him when he's seeable. If one is childish, the other can enjoy the fun/excitement of it, and be the adult for them both.

Now add baby.

Suddenly one spouse is doing a share of baby stuff, plus all the household chores--even just the stuff that can't be ignored, like food, dishes, laundry--which means there's no time for rest, which becomes stressful, demoralizing, infuriating. Slobby or lazy spouse rests just fine.

Or, the rude or demanding spouse turns out not to make distinctions between adults and children, and has unrealistic expectations of how the baby should behave.

Or, the spouse continues to be a workaholic and doesn't help with or show much love for the child, much less give the child-watching spouse and breaks (or respect).

Or, the childish spouse will see the bigness of the baby responsibility, freak out and dump the now-doubled job of being the adult on the other spouse.

The preventive measure for all this: Choose wisely. Little stuff has a way of getting big.

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Teenager accident parent: When/if I have kids, can you mentor me? I think it just rocks that you discussed the good and bad with your daughter. I totaled a new car at that same age, and my parents basically made me feel that my life was worth less than the car price. Over and over. Not to mention, that while I was mostly fine, 2 friends died in separate accidents the same week.

So yeah, you rock as a parent.

Carolyn Hax: Nice to throw a little approbation around once in a while, to counter the usual heckling and eye-rolling. Thanks.

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Re: After an accident: The next car she gets should be paid for out of her own pocket. That way she will (hopefully) have more respect for it.

Not trying to be mean - it's just that I've been there and done that as a kid, and now as a parent I can see the other side. Knowing how tight finances are these days, if I were the parents, I would not replace the car. Maybe they can do a 50/50 match with her, but they should not replace the car outright.

Yeah, I'm using the "should" word. I feel that strongly about this.

Carolyn Hax: I like it, thanks.

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For Winchester: Families change. The dynamics change. It happens as we get older. I'm the oldest of several cousins and an only child. I'm also unmarried at 31. As a result, my extended family is particularly dear to me. We don't get together a lot as a group anymore - there are rifts, people have moved, some of my cousins have married. Do I miss the togetherness of my youth? Yes. But it wasn't ever going to stay that way.

So I've embraced the evolution. I work on cultivating relationships with all of my family members. I take an interest in my cousins' kids, pets, hobbies, activities. I visit my aunts and uncles. But I recognize not everyone's going to get along with each other and I'm not going to agree with everybody else's choices. You can't rope your family together when they're heading in different directions - it's just uncomfortable for everyone and it turns you into a control freak, expecting people to fall into line with your perception of how the family should be. Go with the flow and find the things to enjoy in the new arrangement. Be the person who stops by to drop off some excess vegetables from the farmer's market at an auntie's house or the one who offers to take the kids to the movies for a night. Weed your grandmother's yard. I love my family, and I know they love me. They're not going to stick together like they did when me and the cousins were younger, but I can keep my ties with all of them. It's a little more work, but I'm not a kid anymore.

Carolyn Hax: Another round of flagrant decency, thanks. Maybe this will also help the people who are down about the World right now.

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Back for more: Hi Carolyn,

I'm the girl who wrote in awhile ago about nerves over her impending engagement -- I mentioned at the time that my boyfriend was kind of a difficult dude. We had talked things out and I felt good about the conversation, so when he proposed I said yes... now, turns out that a lot of the behavior I was finding so hard to deal with is most likely caused by some kind of anxiety/panic disorder. He's clearly trying to handle it, and the snappish obnoxious behavior hasn't come back in full force, but my Dread Level has been back on the rise - there's something really depressing about the knowledge that this is beyond his control and could be an issue FOREVER. So what do I do, now? How do I stop feeling so freaked out while still being supportive of him? I'm trying to convince him to see the doctor, but he's resistant and I can't see myself just dealing with this forever, especially if he won't help himself.

Carolyn Hax:"I can't see myself dealing with this forever if you won't meet me even halfway by helping yourself." This is the part you don't verbalize: He goes to get help, or you're gone.

You are obligated to support him no less than you would have him support you. If you can't do that, then you actually owe it to him to break up with him.

However, illness or no illness, you are under no obligation to support him -more- than you would want him to support you. In that case, you owe it to yourself to break up. The time to find your balance as a couple is before you start loading other things on to the relationship, like rings, houses, kids, in-laws, health issues, career frustrations, etc. Certainly those things can affect the balance and so it'll take some ongoing work to maintain it, but if you're off-balance even going into it, tipping over is almost assured.

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Pregnancy: My unsolicited advice? Please, please, please stay away from websites full of women who obsess over pregnancy weight gain. Your body will do whatever it has to do to support a growing baby. It took me about 6 months to realize that and I was so much happier after that. Any website that includes a "weeks/weight" poll should be avoided at all costs. It's already hard to accept that you've pretty much lost control of your body - adding other people's neuroses to it just makes it worse.

Carolyn Hax: Good advice, thanks. I would even extend it to staying away from big pregnancy advice books, Web sites, etc. altogether. Very little information is actually necessary to a healthy pregnancy, and a good OB/midwife will give you all of it. As questions arise, you can do some specific research (have an OB-recommended resource handy), or you can ask. There are so many annoying little details hashed out to an annoying degree at this point--hot air, appropriately, expands to fill its vessel, and there's now no limit to the capacity of modern media. It's just a nice idea to unplug and live in the physical moment of a pregnancy anyway, and it might be a necessary for the peace of mind of those susceptible to alarmist distractions.

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Choosing a "good" one follow up:"...your husband -should- appreciate your body's amazing, and I think, honestly, beautiful transformation with you. The best way to ensure a man does this is to choose a good one."

But doesn't it seem unfair to say a man isn't "good" if he doesn't in fact appreciate this stuff, when pregnant women themselves often don't? Does it make anyone "bad", really?

Carolyn Hax: Bad for her, if it's important that he find her beautiful during and after a pregnancy. Beyond that isn't relevant.

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Re: guy with anxiety disorder: Also - I've learned that there are perfectly nice people with anxiety disorders, and perfectly nasty ones who hide behind the illness.

Carolyn Hax: Thanks. This could apply to just about any condition/situation. Try it--plug in "high intelligence," "divorced parents," "stunning natural beauty," "inherited money," "depression," "Rottweilers" ...

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Fairfield, Conn.: My sister and her partner have always been aunt and aunt to my daughter. They are having a baby and I am looking for tips on explaining my sister's pregnancy to my 8 year old daughter. My daughter is asking lots of thoughtful questions (who will be the baby's daddy? etc.) and my answers feel woefully inadequate thus far.

Carolyn Hax: Wow, my dad, sisters and I were just talking about this Wednesday--about answering difficult questions by a kid, whose ability to take in all the complexities of a situation clearly isn't ripe yet. The overwhelming consensus was to stick to the facts, but don't go beyond the scope of the question. For example, if you're asked about a body part, you name it by its correct name and stop there. If the next question is, does everyone have one? You say yes, or no, just boys/just girls. Etc.

In your case, you now get the joy of providing the basic facts of sperm donation. If your daughter's questions get into the morality of it, it's okay to say it's something many people do, and see as right and good, but that not everyone agrees is okay.

If it is your wish that your daughter come to a conclusion of her own that is also guided by your values, I think it's more important to keep your facts clear and trust your values to come through. When you are asked, then share your opinion--and also ask questions, too, to show her that you respect that she has a mind of her own. When people distrust the facts to lead their kids the "right" way, IMHO, the kids eventually see through that and move on to their own conclusions anyway.

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Gramps again: Sorry, I should have said my uncle is presently in the living room. I'll pull my dad aside later to ask what he was thinking, but I'm really on the spot. They're not seeing the horrible imposition, they're seeing family bonding over a very new addition. And I want to be gracious, I just have no space for my uncle besides a scrap of floor in a room where I'm sleeping topless to nurse my baby. When we're sleeping. Which we're not.

Carolyn Hax: Wow. Three choices, to add to your "Sit there and take it," which I don't recommend (since it only gets worse as time goes on):

1. Tell Uncle you're not sleeping and ask if he'd please indulge you by getting a hotel room. Nothing personal.

2. Propose (as in, tactfully insist) that Gramma/Gramps trade and take the living room so you can get some sleep.

3. Go to a hotel yourselves. Tough with a newborn, but not as tough as not sleeping.

Where's your mom in this? I'm just seeing men doing as they see fit; is that how it goes in your family?

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Sputter, sputter: Dear God, there are websites out there that cater/encourage pregnant women to obsess over the idea that pregnant = fatty? There are weeks/weight polls? There are FILs who will burst into the delivery room after being banned, and won't leave until the mother-to-be has vomited 5-6 TIMES? There are fathers contradicting the express wishes of their daughters regarding houseguests shortly after the birth? What the heck is going on out there? Have they all started dropping acid in celebration of the upcoming birth? What is it about newborns that make seemingly-sane people lose their freaking minds?

Carolyn Hax: You obviously haven't been following the tales of wedding idiocy closely enough.

The answer being in the "seemingly" that precedes the "sane." Today's theme: How introducing a new element to old relationships shifts the emotional garments just enough to expose everyone's backside.

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For Early Pregnancy Freak-out: Hi Carolyn,

I thought I'd try to offer the pregnant woman some reassurance from a male perspective.

I'm a man, and my wife is 39+ weeks pregnant. (If this post cuts off midsentence, you'll know why.) I won't try to share her experience watching her body change, except to say I suspect that the best approach is to engage (and -discuss-) your anxieties, because that's the beginning of the path that leads through anxiety to acceptance and even wonder.

As for the male partner's side of things: I definitely had some of those fears near the beginning, and any man who has been there and says he -never- worried "will I still find her attractive?" is probably lying. But, for me at least, two key things happened: (a) We discussed our mutual fears, and were honest about what we needed and wanted from each other. What Carolyn said about confidence is absolutely true, and it is your husband's job to help with that. The more you talk openly about things, the more he'll understand what he can do to make clear his appreciation of the amazing/beautiful/magic aspects of this. (b) The transformation over those 9 months really was beautiful! If I saw a woman on the subway with my wife's current shape, would I regard her - ahem - appreciatively? Maybe, maybe not. But to see this woman, the woman I love and my life partner, have that shape because it is our child growing inside her, is an amazing and beautiful sight. The biological miracle you are participating in is wonderful and magic, and love is magic too.

Bottom line: Give yourself and your husband permission to feel anxious (or squeamish, or weirded out, or whatever), but leave yourselves open to new discoveries and new appreciations (intellectually, emotionally, sexually), discuss it all, and you'll be just fine.

Carolyn Hax: Aw. Thanks.

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Is a kitten ever a bad idea?: Is it wrong for me and my husband to get a kitten (would be cat #3 in our house) in lieu of having a baby? I -know- we aren't ready to have a baby, and that a lot of thought went into the plan to hold off for 5 years, but I still feel kind of squee about everyone around me having babies. We had been thinking about getting another cat anyway, so is it really weird and dumb to use a new kitten to make myself feel a little more content with our (truly) mutual decision to wait?

I wouldn't tell anyone that's why we got the kitten...that would be batsh-t crazy, right?

Carolyn Hax: I'm not going to tell you not to do something you want to do. I will tell you that if you have a baby in five years, you can also expect to have at least one cat for a substantial part of the little-kid years, and possibly two, including an older one. This is fine for plenty of people, but not everyone wants or handles well the pet/baby mix. Not all pets are suited for it. So, don't make long-range decisions on children while thinking only short-term on pets.

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Babies driving couples apart: Carolyn Hax "Or, the spouse continues to be a workaholic and doesn't help with or show much love for the child, much less give the child-watching spouse and breaks (or respect)."

Would you kindly refrain from trashing so called work-a-holic spouses? 9 times out of 10, such statements are directed at MEN, and we're a little sick of it. Men experience the birth of a child VERY differently then women, especially in the emotional and psychological areas. Like it or not, we seem to be hard wired to show love first and foremost by providing, and we can't escape the internal voice that says when baby come you have to work harder and earn more, which takes us out of the house.

Yes, our wives/partners are much more physically, psychologically and emotionally stressed by the constant needs of the baby, particularly if they stay home full time. But to imply that a man working overtime to keep that bay fed, clothed, doctored and sheltered ISN'T showing love to his baby or spouse is really too much. Such statement imply there is only one way to show love, and if it isn't the way the mother wants it, that's "wrong." WOW!

Carolyn Hax: Do you see any sexes assigned to my observation?

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Explaining Artificial insemination to a 8 yr old?: are you kidding? My eight year old doesn't even know how a baby is made the old fashioned way

Carolyn Hax: I'm assuming, then, your 8-year-old hasn't asked. This one has. Therefore, an answer is warranted. Denying a kid's natural curiosity benefits only the parent, not the child, and only superficially (and temporarily) at that.

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kids and sex: WaPo just had a chat within the past 2 weeks with an author of a book for parents on just this subject -- how do you tackle the conversations, in all their permutations. I think this specific (same-sex couples having a baby) was addressed. It was, unfortunately, a day that the chat-refresh devil was particularly mischievous, so I tuned out after a few minutes. But I'd bet the book reference and chat blog are still around if a friendly WaPo producer could dig it up.

Not that C's advice wasn't perfect, as always, but that the questioner might want help with other questions that are bound to come up later

washingtonpost.com: Recent WP article and chat about talking to kids about birds and bees... thanks for the reminder!

Carolyn Hax: Even I don't think my advice is perfect, but I can't debate the fact of a recent chat. Thanks, Elizabeth.

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Madrid, Spain: Scare Tactics Always Work:

For the new mother with Uncle and Dad hanging around: I recommend she strips and nurses in front of them. They'll beat a path to Motel 6 with smoke coming off their wheels.

Carolyn Hax: Others proposed this, too, but, wow, the smoking wheels. I stand in awe. Thanks.

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Bridesmaid's dresses: I know you've dealt with lots of questions about bridesmaid's dresses, but I've never seen this one come up, and it's freaking me out. I have two best friends who will be my two bridesmaids. One has enormous breasts and one is as flat as a man. How on earth do I find a dress that will look good on both of them?

Carolyn Hax: Flinched at the "flat as a man" comment, and feeling like an enabler giving advice on how to put grown women in matchy dresses, but, okay: Some major retailers (don't want to be anyone's shill, but one that comes to mind rhymes with "say foo") are starting to offer lines of three or four different dresses all available in the same fabrics, so each of them can choose a completely different style but still "match."

Congratulations!

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When people distrust the facts to lead their kids the "right" way, IMHO, the kids eventually see through that and move on to their own conclusions anyway. : I would add, "and lose some respect for their parents for not being honest."

Carolyn Hax: Ding ding ding, thanks.

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My eight year old doesn't even know how a baby is made the old fashioned way: I bet you're wrong about that. Just because you haven't told her doesn't mean she hasn't learned it somewhere else, from someone who doesn't have her best interests at heart.

Carolyn Hax: DING DING [clatter of over-hit bell on floor]

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After the accident (again): It's the replace-the-car part that is troubling me. We got her the car in the first place because we need her to help with driving. Her having a car helps us, by getting her where she needs to be and she drives her brother and runs some errands. And while she can contribute to a car, she can't afford one herself. So do I loan her the money to replace the car? Split it?

Carolyn Hax: She gets a safe, unsexy (used?) car and she uses it, for now, only for family business. As she earns back her personal-use privileges, you can decide whether it seems appropriate for her to contribute to its expenses. I can make an argument for not having her pay for it: If you don't want her to take it with her, and instead you want to keep it for when she's home and eventually for her brother to use, then you pay the tab.

You can also find out how much her carelessness jacked your insurance and have her pay the difference. That would make the car your possession, if that's what you'd prefer, and still invest her monetarily in her own behavior.

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Nursing in front of them: Maybe they'll leave, or maybe they'll sit there and stare. Believe me, I know from experience, there are men who would.

Carolyn Hax: The thought was nice while it lasted. But please do replace "men" with "people"; I'm not getting PC-squirrelly, gawkers do come in both sexes, and some moms do prefer not to have either kind.

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Say Foo: Please give us another clue. I don't want to go into my weekend with my brain saying "Neh-ru"? "Jay-Boo"? "Fay Poo"?

washingtonpost.com: Think preppy colors, sends a million catalogues, major mall retailer. The "Say" part is an initial. The "Foo" part is, um, a sport.

Carolyn Hax: Right. Or, A. Brew. To get indefensibly coy. Thanks.

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Re: Madrid: The new mom with the uncle and dad should probably be aware that a portion of men, at the sight of breast feeding, will simply stare at your exposed breast. Sorry, but it's a fact.

Stick with vomiting 5-6 times. It appears to have a proven track record.

Carolyn Hax: I love it when all the threads come together (and make hip little madras shorts).

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New mother on the floor??: I'm sorry, but any brand-new mother who is sleeping on the floor so grammy and grampy can have the luxury of the bed has been kowtowing her entire life. I would not look for confrontations, nudity, and smoking wheels any time soon.

Carolyn Hax: Back to: Where's Grammy? Is this the way things are in this family?

Now that your cold-water blast has us back to it (thank you, I needed the reminder), here's where I was going with that:

When I said sitting there and taking it makes things worse later, I meant more than just specifically that your relatives will keep taking advantage. It also suggests you may have married into this same pattern yourself. Not a guarantee, just a real possibility you have to consider; if your switch is permanently set to "kowtow," then why wouldn't it follow that it's part of your dynamic with your spouse?

If you aren't sure of bigger stuff but are sick of nursing your newborn on the floor, then it would be productive to ask yourself if you're submissive in your relationships outside the family, particularly but not just in your marriage. That could lead to a kid who walks all over you (it starts younger than you might think).

If this is starting to make sense, and it doesn't sound like the life you had in mind, then you're going to need to do something about your lack of assertiveness, starting with your unwanted guests. Out with them. Seriously. Kindly but firmly. Your baby needs you well, not zonked.

Then, you assess, bit by bit, your way of dealing with problems, with people, with day-to-day stress. If you see a family pattern and see ways you can tweak your choices for the better, then try it. If on the other hand you see a mess that looks too big to clean up, consider one-on-one counseling to figure out where your assertiveness died and how to revive it now.

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Gramps x3:

My dad and uncle are presently discussing the percentage of butterfat in human milk, my mother is staring at them, and my husband and I are sleeping behind a door tonight. I guess nursing in front of them was good and bad.

I decided after getting the privacy I MUST have to just let it go. They never see each other, and they're both socially clueless.

Carolyn Hax: Or, there's that. Thanks!

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Bridesmaids' Dresses: Ann Taylor also does this (have different dresses in matching fabrics), and has some very pretty styles.

washingtonpost.com: I considered changing the store name to Van Sailor. - Elizabeth

Carolyn Hax: And ...

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Say Foo: Some people equate them with Manana Beepublic.

Carolyn Hax: Blank loo.

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RE Car Accident Mom: I may get slammed for this, but what gives with parents putting the over-the-top responsibility of "running her brother around" on a new driver by dangling a the proverbial carrot of a car in front of her. Those parents want it both ways -- a driver for errands and her brother which is making her daughter far more responsible than it seems her experience allows; and an obedient daughter that will learn a good lesson while not too terribly inconveniencing the family who needs errands run. I get the uneasy feeling that the mom is trying to find a way to keep things convenient while still appearing parental.

Carolyn Hax: Zing.

Car Accident Mom, we don't know who you are, so you don't need to write in to defend your honor. But I hope you do consider this possibility in the privacy of your own heart.

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Re: losing sanity that wasn't there to begin with: When the first letter from the mom with the hospital-happy FIL showed up (congrats on the good outcome, btw!), I talked about it with my husband. His family is decidedly show-up-when-they-are-ready material, so I thought I'd see what he thought about standing firm on "no one at the hospital." His response surprised me, but ultimately points to one of the things I love most about him - his matter of fact way of cutting to the point with the driest of humor. Gets me every time.

He said: "You have met my mother, yes? There's no telling her when not to show up. If you don't want her to be at the hospital, just don't tell her when it's happening."

Me: "Lie?"

Him: "Do you want her there or not? I'm not being unsupportive, I'm just reminding you of the reality we live in."

Heh.

Carolyn Hax: BTW, a "lie" isn't the only way to decline to provide information. Unless you have a scheduled procedure (induced labor, C-section), you can simply not call until the baby's out.

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Drinking too much?: I read your recent letter about how much beer is okay per night. I drink a 6-pack every night, it's the only way I can unwind. Don't miss work or anything because of it...but I'm getting the idea from your letters that you'd consider that too much?

Carolyn Hax: It's not what I "consider," it's about published advice from medical sources, which is readily available. Any appropriate amount is going to depend on your sex, body weight and possibly other variables. It's also not going to come out as a firm number across the board. Women, for example, get heart and other benefits, which are then mitigated by, say, breast cancer risk. No one seems to feel comfortable saying "X ounces per day per 100 pounds of body weight for women/men." As it should be, since bodies are all different.

However, there are widely available ranges. I've never seen a range that includes six drinks a day, for a man or a woman. As with anything that's about your health, do your homework, don't lie to yourself and take any open questions to your doctor. Oh, and don't lie to yourself. I read "it's the only way I can unwind," and I see both dependency and denial. Your liver at this very moment is discreetly placing a yoga brochure on your coffee table.

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Family dynamics/submissive/kowtowing: You know what? I've been the one to bite my tongue, shoulder the burden of responsibility, and allow my mom to guilt trip me into... well, anything, really.

I stood up for myself recently.

The world didn't stop. What needs to happen is still going to happen, but without massive and soul-sucking inconvenience on my end. My mom actually admitted she was laying a guilt trip on me.

New mom- kick EVERYONE out if you want to. It's pretty liberating.

Carolyn Hax: Excellent, thank you.

Liberating might be the wrong word for signing off at 2:53 (sheesh) but it is overdue. Bye, thanks, type to you next week.

Oh, and since some of you asked, there was no chat last week. Vacation day. Have a great weekend, and thanks for stopping by.

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Washington, D.C.: re: kitten question

I understand that people love their pets and pets require care. But please. Get a cat if you want a cat, but not "instead" of a child. This may not have been the writer's intention, but this is the third person this week I have heard compare a dog or cat to a child. trust me, the emotional and physical demands of my one-year-old can't compare with a dog or cat. I'm tempted to go into a litany of all those demands...but I don't have time, because I have a one-year-old! Pets are wonderful, but they are NOT CHILDREN.

Carolyn Hax: Okay, one more. I want to revisit this because it didn't sit right with me and I realize my answer wasn't complete.

Yes, animals are not kids, and yes, no pet should ever serve as a make-me-feel-better gesture. This makes animal rescue groups rightly nuts, since they see so many failures of this rationale in shelters.

So this is what I found myself wanting to add: What's with the comparisons to friends, and needing to feel okay with your decision? This holds with or without adding a pet, but certainly with one, you're going the extra step of recruiting another creature's life to fill the holes in your own. Not fair, but, also--and this is what I now feel I need to add--not effective.

You have to get right with your decision in your mind and heart without the use of props or crutches or proxies. And if you're not right with it, revisit your choice.

(And, while you're there, your urgency for kids; if you love kids and look forward to having them, great, but if this is about filling a void too then better to identify and address the void on your own. Kids really resent parents who live through them. I hope unnecessary for me to add, but there it is.)

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RE RE Car Accident Mom: I don't see what's wrong with expecting a kid to help with things, even if it is primarily to make things more convenient for the parents (is Mom getting her nails done while teen runs errands or working/commuting long hours?). It's also not necessarily an unreasonable burden on the teenager. How does one learn to be responsible if never given responsibilities?

Carolyn Hax: Thanks, an important counter-argument

Now I'm really leaving.

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