Carolyn Hax Live: Are Engagement Rings Shallow? plus Dealing with Sorrow and Nursing Mom at a Wedding

In her daily column in The Washington Post Style section, Carolyn Hax offers readers advice based on the experiences of someone who's been there. Hax is an ex-repatriated New Englander with a liberal arts degree and a lot of opinions and that's about it, really, when you get right down to it. Oh, and the shoes. A lot of shoes.

Carolyn was online Friday, May 2 taking your questions and comments about her current advice column and any other questions you might have about the strange train we call life. Her answers may appear online or in an upcoming column.

A transcript follows.

Write Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com.

Carolyn's Recent Columns

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Canada: Hi Carolyn,

I am an independent woman. I have a graduate degree and a career in scientific research. I was raised to be financially independent, and, as such, I have some savings and investments and retirement savings. My boyfriend, however, has some debt (not a whole lot, and he's on his way to paying it off within the next 1-2 years), and a substantially lower earning potential than I.

We are talking about getting married - I have always said that I would rather put money down on a house than spend $20,000 on a wedding. I have similarly stated that I can't imagine having something worth upwards of $5,000 on my ring finger.

So why do I really want that pretty ring on my finger? There are many logical parts of me that think getting an engagement ring is silly. The financial standing of my S.O. is one concern (I guess I would be better able to justify such a lavish gift if my S.O. were more well-off - but isn't that a double standard, too?). The feminist idea that getting a ring is just a patriarchal invention from when women were property. The practical idea that spending even $5,000 is exorbitant for a ring. The fact that I would want to marry my S.O. for his innumerable good qualities - even if I never got a ring at all!

But a part of me still wants a pretty ring! Does this make me a shallow person?

Carolyn Hax: Being sane doesn't require that you banish every last trace of every last mad thought you've ever had. I want a pretty ring, too. You can want designer shoes that aren't on sale, too, and a luxury car and champagne and whatever else stood as a symbol of the good life as you were growing up. That stuff is always hard to shake completely. What matters is that you keep it in perspective relative to your own grown-up priorities. That way you don't find yourself surrounded by silly things at the expense of what you really value. Fortunately, that still leaves you room to indulge someday if you find yourself with the means to.

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Holding up the mirror: Reading these chats and columns, we hear about a lot of people who are varying degrees of horrible, and a lot of times the advice to the people complaining about them is some variation on "drop them, they're not going to change." And I always agree. The thing is, I imagine that most of the horrible people being talked about think they're fine people who deserve happiness. I think I'm a decent person. I know I have faults. I try to work on my faults, but I know I'll never fix all of them, and frankly dwelling on my faults is not my favorite use of time. What will make me different from those horrible people who deserve to get dropped from the lives of good people?

Carolyn Hax: You can have faults and still be a good person. That's the main answer. Since you're right, I think, to accept that some of your faults aren't going away and that dwelling on faults isn't a sunny use of one's time, the logical place to turn your attention is to faults that hurt other people. I'm not talking a tendency to get loud when you're excited about a conversation, or to get absent-minded when you're busy. I'm talking about manipulating people so your relationship takes care of your and only your needs, or using them to get some tangible thing you want, or dumping all your crap on them so you don't have to deal with it yourself.

That's the kind of stuff that pops up in this forum as a deal-breaker, a problem that makes severing the relationship the only realistic solution. People who catch themselves doing these things--or, who catch themselves gradually and mysteriously friendless--definitely need to dwell on their faults for a while, at least long enough to identify them and modify their behavior.

Even if you're not in that extreme category, I could argue for some self-evaluation at the next level down: when maybe you aren't making others miserable, but your behavior is making you unhappy. Choosing people who are bad for you, not taking care of yourself, etc.

After that--if you reach the equilibrium of being okay with you, and a sufficient number of friends are okay with you--then, sure, what can you do but truck along, faults and all.

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As regards the ring...: There seems to be such a double-standard in our society... commercialism and advertising talk about nothing but how wonderful our possessions are (thus making them seem kind of icky), while most moral authorities (in designer suits) talk about nothing but how shallow it is to be materialistic.

It would be nice if people could be told that the appreciation of and desire for beautiful things is natural and doesn't automatically turn you into a beer ad groupie.

Carolyn Hax: The appreciation of and desire for beautiful things is natural and doesn't automatically turn you into a beer ad groupie. Just as long as you pay money for something, not your soul.

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Washington, D.C.: Yesterday in the span of 4 hours my wife found out that her identity was stolen and a close childhood friend passed away in the prime of life. Then we're having a kiddo in a month (yay!). Unfortunately, almost nothing has ever gone wrong for me in my life and certainly nothing this bad so I don't really know what to do or say to support her. Where can I go to find out how to help people cope? I feel like an automaton without the right programming when it comes to bad things. The only advice I've gotten is that it can't be fixed and all I can do is be nice while she works through it. I want to help her through the process more than just cooking meals.

Carolyn Hax: I think the place you need to go is into your own heart. Surely you have people you care about, and also an imagination. Imagine never being able to pick up the phone ever again and hear that person's voice. Wait a minute--you've walked around for, what, 7-plus months with the knowledge that your baby is in utero. No fears have stemmed from that, no close calls, no what-ifs? If not, then you do have a psyche of steel--but if you have entertained even slight fears in this stage of your life, then you are one tick of imagination away from having an idea how she feels. Vulnerable, lonely, frightened at the idea that she'll always see the world in the light she does now, and never see it as the generally benign place it was just yesterday.

On a technical note, it's important to listen listen listen to her through this phase, but there's silence that invites her to talk and there's silence that deters. Looking at her and having nothing to say, for some reason, shows up as, "What are you,a freak?" while looking at her and understanding that this is about her, and it's fine if she takes her time, shows up as sympathy. Wish I could be more precise about the mechanism.

Finally, cooking meals is good. Don't underestimate the value of just making her life a little easier right now.

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Washington, D.C.: Hi Carolyn,

My grandmother Does Not Like Me, and makes it known. I admit most of it is deserved. I was more difficult than most teenagers and she was my mother's confidant when things got particularly bad. Also, I know she does not approve of my lifestyle (lesbian) and has made it clear that I am the equivalent of Satan's spawn to the rest of the extended family. My mother and I have moved past our previous issues and now have a very strong relationship, but my grandmother still holds a grudge based on past events and makes hurtful comments that come back to me.

For Mother's Day, I typically give my mother something thoughtful (handwritten card, some book I know she has been eyeing, etc. I do not live in the same city), but this year my mother will be visiting my grandmother over Mother's Day. I don't know how exactly to handle the gift situation this year.

In my heart of hearts I know I should send another gift or card to my grandmother, but I still carry around a lot of the hurtful things she has said to me and about me in the past, and it seems disingenuous to thank her for being the matriarch of the family when she has made it clear that she despises me. At the same time, if I don't send a gift and send my mother's gift to her own house, it will give my grandmother even more ammunition to hate me.

UGH!

Is it OK to send a gift if you don't mean the sentiment behind it, only to calm potential hostilities? Is this being political for my mother's sake or selling out to her hateful mother?

Carolyn Hax: I wouldn't overthink this. Time your mom's gift to arrive before she leaves. No explanation necessary.

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Seattle: Dear Carolyn -

How do I handle the fact that my fiance (who I have been with for over two years) keeps putting off telling his ex-wife and children about me? I don't just mean telling them that we are engaged, I mean telling them that I exist. I have met the younger child twice, but she is so young I am sure she doesn't remember and the significance is lost on her. This isn't a long distance thing -- he sees the kids (and the ex) at least once a week. He swears he will tell them soon, but any time I try and come up with ideas for activities we could do with the children, he puts it off and gets angry, saying he knows what is best for everyone involved. I feel that being hidden like this isn't best for me, and the more time that passes, the more I worry that the ex and children are going to respond extra-negatively to me because I've been such a 'secret,' and am going to go from unknown to wife in fairly short order. This is driving an increasingly large wedge between us. Thanks.

Carolyn Hax: A snarl of anger, frustration, vulnerability and demands is no place to make a decision. Your fiance has Stuff he needs to deal with. Thinking up things to do with his kids makes it about you, forces the issue, tightens the knots that are clearly already chafing. It's his Stuff, not yours; it's not about you; it doesn't mean he doesn't love you.

It does mean, however, that he's in no state to marry you. Which is okay--he could well be in that state by, Idunno, the Fourth of July. This one, next one, whatever. He's just not there now, and you know this because the ex and kids wouldn't be an issue if he were at peace with himself.

So extract yourself kindly and carefully, and let him work out his Stuff. You love him, you look forward to being his wife, and because of these you're freeing him to take care of whatever he needs to take care of. Do this with anger, and it's a wedge, but do it with love, and it's a chance. Maybe your last one at this point. (And if he won't accept it as a loving gesture, then, well, that suggests a step back is even more necessary than it seems.)

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D.C.: In the past few months, I've had 2 people in my life die and a good friend in a pretty bad accident. Even though I was not really close to the two who died, I found myself sobbing when I found out about the second death on Monday. I feel tired and trapped in my life and am not sure how to break out. Just when I think I'm catching my breath, something bad happens. What can I do?

Carolyn Hax: I'm sorry.

It's interesting that you posted this--is it coincidence, or did the husband asking about his wife's sudden losses move you somehow to write in?

Because you describe so well the emotional roiling that comes with that kind of loss. I touched on it in my answer to the husband, in the wife's possible concern that the world will always look like the dark and scary thing it became when she started getting bad news. Right now, it sounds like you're processing the idea that you've been taking things for granted that you simply can't--that friends will always be there, that accidents won't happen, that the realities of death and accidents will remain comfortably abstract.

Well, they never do stay that way forever. The post-grief world is truly never the same as the pre-one.

But time does do its job in restoring the proper perspective. You won't have to absorb the news of two deaths and a bad accident every three months for the rest of your life. These remain exceptions, fortunately (quiet thanks for not living in a war zone). In time, you'll go back to seeing these as the inevitable but mercifully rare elements of a full life among people you care about.

What may change--and I hope does change--is that getting a good hard reminder of what matters may eventually help you think more clearly about why you feel "trapped" in your life. It's a good time to ask, "Why am I wasting my time on X?" and other such life-shaping questions.

Necessary depression disclaimer: If you feel overwhelmed, a depression screening might be in order.

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re: I don't really know what to do or say to support her: If she needs to cry, let her do it without making her feel like she should stop crying. My husband is very supportive and a good listener, but crying makes him uncomfortable. The few times I've needed to have a good cry, he always says "don't cry" right away. He thinks that crying is going making me feel worse, when it's really actually going to help me.

Also, I think having empathy based on being able to imagine going through the same problem is nice. But it really does not compare with actually having gone through the same problem. My husband has finally learned to stop saying "don't cry" when I need to shed some tears. We had to put our cat down this year, and he and I both cried on the way home from the vet. Later, when I continued to need to cry I thought he was going to do his usual "please don't cry," but he instead he hugged me and said "you should get it all out."

I think this is why listening a lot, and helping do extra chores and errands is a great thing to do. You cannot really understand what she's going through if you haven't been there yourself, but you can certainly make her feel supported. If she needs to do anything to get started dealing with the identity fraud, you can pitch in there, too. Find out what she needs to do and do as much of it as you can. Being pregnant and dealing with the death of her friend are going to be tough enough as it is. I've had to deal with all these 3 issues myself on separate occasions, and it was difficult enough without them all happening at once.

Carolyn Hax: Well said, thanks. I didn't mean to suggest that putting himself in her place could approximate knowing how she feels. It can only give him a rough idea of the size of the feelings. Which, when you're starting with nothing, becomes an important something.

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For Engaged to the Ex: Has anyone entertained the idea that the Fiance may not actually be divorced?

A friend of mine went through something similar, he swore up and down that he was divorced but not ready to introduce her to the family or announce that he was getting remarried.

Turns out the guy was still married, just separated!

Carolyn Hax: That just gives me the warm fuzzies all over.

I think when you're to the point of needing to hear your mate swear up and down that s/he's [whatever], you're an ex-couple yourselves, and just haven't figured it out yet.

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Odenton, Md.: I have a wedding question.

I set a couple on a blind date several years ago and they are getting married next fall. They are planning an adult-only wedding. While I can sort of understand this, you don't want screaming children ruining your wedding, I still think it's a little bit obnoxious.

I will have a 10-12 week old baby when the wedding occurs. I asked if it would be possible to bring the baby. I am planning on breastfeeding and I won't be able to leave the baby for long periods of time. The wedding is at least an hour drive away so it's not convenient to have a sitter at home and pop back in.

I was told by the bride to try to get a babysitter. I am put off by this, especially given my relation to these people. Is a 3 month old really that much of a problem for the bride? Or am I being inconsiderate?

Carolyn Hax: My guess is the bride has no idea what she's asking of you logistically. That gives you a few choices, depending mostly on the bride's temperament. You can skip the wedding; you can ask about accommodations in the church and at the reception site for the baby and a sitter, so the baby won't be there-there, but you will be able to slip away to nurse as needed; or you can try to explain why having a sitter at home while you're at the event an hour away won't make sense, say you're willing to stay home, but want to see if she has other ideas that might allow you to go without bringing the baby.

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Red Sox Nation: Hi Carolyn:

My problem is that I hate hearing about my girlfriend's ex-boyfriends - and I've always been like this. I've never had a problem with girlfriends having male friends or being friends with their exes.

My girlfriend, whom I love and hope to marry, was once engaged. She got dumped (her description) the night before the wedding, found out the guy cheated on her repeatedly and there may be more to the story, but I don't know because I can barely deal with what I know. I found out about this early in our relationship, and it didn't bug me. I assumed I had matured through my problem and that knowing this about her/hearing about exes would only get easier - since every day is one day further from her engagement, further from previous boyfriends. It's actually getting harder. She recently told me the town he came from and it ate at me for a few days.

I'm at the point that every time I hear about an ex and I don't yell or pout, I consider it a significant victory. I hate having such low standards, but that's really where I am. Even when I don't yell or pout, which I usually don't, I typically have a mini-yell or a mini-pout on the inside.

This is clearly not healthy, and I clearly need to change, but how do I do it? I understand that, to a great degree, I owe her availability and her life experience to her ex-fiance and to other previous boyfriends. I wish that knowledge helped.

I've never met anyone like her. I want to be the boyfriend she deserves and I don't want to lose her because of this demon I can't seem to beat.

If it matters, I have talked with her about this. I'm 25 and she's 27. Thanks for your help. I hope you enjoy your weekend.

GO SOX!

Carolyn Hax: Thanks.

Unfortunately this answer is going to be even more analysis-to-advice top-heavy than my usual blather. But your letter is basically a blueprint for building fear. You're afraid you're not good enough, you're afraid she's going to leave you, you're afraid these guys were better, you're afraid her feelings for them were stronger, you're afraid that if she does leave you'll never find anyone like her again.

You're so invested in one outcome with one person that you can't see anything else--and so every little blip that life throws you isn't a little life blip any more, it's now a potential threat to the one thing that you've bet your whole life on getting.

Relax. (I toldya the advice would get crushed under the analysis.) Show yourself a little respect, and realize that if she dumps you for one of her exes, the one whom she secretly always viewed as The One--you know, your worst-case scenario?--then you will be FINE. Better even for the self-knowledge that can only be acquired by suffering like you only read about. Maybe not for a while, but eventually.

Respect yourself by recognizing there are good things about your life that aren't about, because of or even touched by this woman. Remember, you said you've always had this problem with your girlfriends' exes--so there have been other girlfriends. And you survived the demise of those relationships, right?

As with any deeply ingrained aspect of a life, it's not like you'll be able to declare, "I shall no longer be excessively invested in my girlfriends," and be cured of your anguish. It's going to take a lot of crappy work dwelling on your faults, frailties and shortcomings (theme! theme!).

But this is like any other dependency--it comes from somewhere, and it ends when you learn to recognize where that is, and deal with it. So, why is life sans girl-of-the-moment such an unthinkable thing? Why does the mere hint of losing someone bring out such vulnerability?

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Seattle, again: I am the woman with the fiance who is reluctant to tell his ex and children. I perhaps should have clarified that we are living together. I love him so much, but I know you are right about him needing to deal with his Stuff. How do I extract myself gracefully, though? We are living together. Does one of us move out? Do I return the ring, as I would with a broken engagement (engagement rings seem to be popular topic today)?

Carolyn Hax: I had a feeling you were going to say that. Assuming you don't own the property and/or aren't putting yourself in to a legal pickle, arrange for a long-term-temporary move-out, with the intent of staying away, say, a month. A saintly friend's guest room, an extended stay hotel, a sequence of friends' places so you don't wear anyone out. Don't break up, move all the way out, etc., if possible. You can make more permanent arrangements one way or the other (including the ring) when you start to see how things are turning out.

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Re Odenton, Md.: After 10 weeks, you might be ready for a night without the baby. We went to a wedding when our daughter was 14 weeks old or so - I pumped in the car on the way there (hilarity!), pumped once during the wedding itself (in a locker room, and I scared the bejeebus out of the flower girl), and then fed her when we got home. Not as bad as I'd expected, and it was nice to have a night away.

Carolyn Hax: It's definitely possible, but also definitely depends on how things are going by then. And yea to being ready for a night out.

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Dupont Circle, D.C.: Maybe the bride is straight out refusing to let the nursing mother bring baby because she knows what problems it causes when you allow exceptions to the rules. With the kids thing, it's either/or, or else you have people asking why they couldn't bring THEIR kids because it's a HUGE hassle for them TOO. The fact is, having kids at a wedding is a huge pain in the tocks and NOT having kids at a wedding is a huge pain in the tocks. Best solution: elope.

washingtonpost.com: tocks! hee!

Carolyn Hax: What she said. Thanks.

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Los Angeles, Calif.: My sister is a do-gooder and she goes out of her way to help everyone (including me, my husband and everyone around her) and I'm trying to figure out why I find it really annoying. She lives frugally, is a tree-hugger, loves children and volunteers at voting booths on election day, and I agree with all of her causes also, so I really don't know why I find myself wanting to pick out her faults (only to fall short since she's such a good, decent person). Am I so insecure that I can't appreciate having this wonderful person as an in-law?

Carolyn Hax: Maybe. I don't think you're actually supposed to enjoy spending time with the human embodiment of everything you think you should be--and, thus, incontrovertible proof that it can be done, you're merely not doing it. There will always be some insecurity twinge in that.

However, as long as you can restrain yourself from rooting out her faults, reveling in her failures and sabotaging her causes, and you can honestly accept her as a good, decent person, then I don't think there's any reason you should beat yourself up. Or her.

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Taking a break: My boyfriend of seven months and I are "taking a break" ... mutually decided upon, and we both still love each other. How do you recommend I (a) live my life, and (b) figure out whether I want this break to be permanent? I feel so confused by my emotions - sadness, anger, hurt - that I can't figure out what's real. (If it's relevant, we're both in our 30s and thought we'd marry each other.)

Carolyn Hax: Worry about (a) and let (b) reveal itself to you when it's ready. The business of (a) will evolve with time, since in the first days you'll be all weirded out and emotional, and then after that you'll feel like you're filling time, then you'll eventually get back into a routine. But that's where you put your attention, because that's what will help you get comfortable with yourself and your life again.

That, in turn, is the position from which you want to make any decisions about your boyfriend. Don't think about him and how you can make it work. Think about yourself and see honestly if he works.

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Smogsville: I made a two year commitment to a job here which is good for my career and my husband agreed to the move. Where we are living now is not our kind of place. I am doing well and making friends here, but my husband is miserable. I have agreed to move to the city of his choice when the 2 years is up (this is now about 15 months away). However, seeing him so unhappy everyday is killing me and in turn making me miserable. What to do? Do I break my commitment and leave even though this would not be best for me? I would hate to have been dishonest to my employer but isn't my first loyalty to my husband? How can I help him see things on the bright side when he is determined not to like it here and to be miserable?

Carolyn Hax: Hm. Interesting phrasing. Do you genuinely believe that he's determined to be miserable? And that if he wanted to like the place, he could at least make a decent life for himself for the next 15 months?

I have to think that if you felt he was trying to be a good sport, you'd be feeling more naturally inclined (and less bound by duty) to move away early. You're certainly right about your first loyalty is your husband and not your personal fulfillment, but that comes with a flip side: Your husband's first loyalty is to you, and not to his funk fulfillment.

Meanwhile--getting into the chicken-and-eggs of it all--are you making friends and doing well and leaving him to fend for himself, thus his funk? Or is he choosing to stay home funky and therefore isn't making friends? Or both, with one feeding the other?

It's amazing how much hinges on one detail: Did your husband agree to this and mean it, only to find that his unhappiness was too intense to smile through, or did he agree to it grudgingly, and is now staging a passive-aggressive masterpiece of resistance to the move by refusing to make it pleasant for you?

I imagine you already know which of these is happening. The former means you at least indicate you're willing to leave early, for his and ultimately your well-being, and you see where that goes. The latter means you're due for a conversation about what it means for you to support each other. And, you see where that goes.

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Kids at weddings: At my wedding, I had crayons and construction paper at the place settings for children five and under, seated with parents. Then all the teenaged (12-15) cousins were seated together at the opposite end of the hall from their parents.

I also arranged for apple juice to be served at the place settings with the crayons instead of champagne.

I forgot to instruct the caterer to make the drink substitution for the teen table.

The younger cousins thought it was gross, so the oldest cousin drank... um, six glasses.

I didn't realize what had happened until said fifteen year old started doing a mock tango with his grandmother. One of the four year olds drew a picture of this moment.

Moral: ALWAYS include the children.

Carolyn Hax: Sold.

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Arlington, Va.: This isn't a big thing, but I hope you'll answer this. I recently - I think Tuesday, saw a picture in the Post of a 2 year old being carried out of building, that had been bombed in Iraq.

The child died.

The picture has haunted me since I saw it. And brought me to tears at the thought of it. Unexpectedly, at work, sometimes.

I wish I'd never seen it. How do I stop thinking about it. Dwelling on it?

Carolyn Hax: I don't know. I had/have the same problem. I'm crying all over again now. I want to say it will help to do something about it, but what?

This is obviously a lame question, there are a million things a person of even modest means can do to ease the distress of children living in horrible conditions. So I guess it's a matter of focusing on something, -doing- something. That has to help with half the agony of a picture like that, the helplessness of those of us who see it. Productivity always helps.

The other part is, has to be, perspective. This happens every day, somewhere--bombings, abuse, famine, Katrina, Beslan, a long and sickening list. Our minds allow us to carry on by filtering, even blocking out the information that is outside the scope of our lives.

No doubt--at least, I hope--when these things do break through our mental barriers, it does help to move people to do what they can, even if it's just to read, write letters, show up, vote.

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Tally, Fla.: Hi! Long time, constant, daily reader here. As my boyfriend of 2 months dropped me off at work this morning (had to bring the car in), he helped me get my stuff to the office door. I turned about and said "Have a great day, I love you!" Aak!!! What do I do now? I know that he and both have these "loving feelings" but it's just sooo soon. That really did just slip because I'm always telling my friends "Love you" before hanging up the phone (family too - hey, I'm originally from the deep South, that's what we do).

So what do I do now? Part of me's mad at myself because I wanted him to say it first. I don't think he'll freak out since he laughed. Part of me laughs about it because I startled myself and then said a curse word afterwards. But I'm really confused about how to think out my "slip" and how to handle it.

Thanks for all the insight you always give. Your perspective is always engaging and educating.

Carolyn Hax: Thank you.

I think it's great that you slipped. If you're really that way with your friends, he knows it, and since he laughed, well, he either knows it, or knows you slipped, right? No down side there. Sounds like a good moment that could ripen into a great story, depending on how things turn out.

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husband in funk with move: I was sort of in the husband's situation. I got engaged after a whirlwind romance and agreed to move to the other coast. -At the time- I thought I was fine with this. But I was scared - surprisingly scared. I said this to my fiance but neither of us listened very well. His head was in the 'long distance relationships suck' space and when I went out to spend the summer with him I had (in retrospect) a bad attitude - an attitude of 'you better appreciate this'. He wasn't supportive of my move and my concerns because of my attitude and I had a bad attitude because of him taking my move for granted. What I'm saying here is that -we were both hurting- and neither of us was able to -listen to each other-. If you can reach out to him, and be supportive and help create see if you could help create with him a feeling that the two of you were having an adventure that would help.

Carolyn Hax: Thanks muchly. Another good one here:

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re: Smogsville: I could easily have been described like that husband at least thrice in my life. Three of the four moves I made for my wife's career left me unhappy for about a year (he and she are 9 months in). Every bit of daily living seemed to take longer and require more effort -- who to trust for car repair, where to get good groceries, what schools were right for the kids, etc. Didn't help I was a VP at a Fortune 10 company throughout all the moves -- each dislocation meant some extra job pressure and then everything at home required twice as much effort! And I'm the one who likes a settled house and does most of the housework and chores.

After about a year, everything started to make sense and life clicked back to normal. (I'll note that the one move that worked was abroad -- there we both struggled together to figure out how to deal with home life and it was an adventure).

Carolyn Hax: Thanks.

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Red sox nation/guy afraid of the exes: Thanks for your advice. I think I need to clarify something. Your advice appears to be largely based on the idea that I fear losing her to an ex. I don't - and I've never feared that. That's part of the reason that this feeling/fear/insecurity is so inexplicable to me.

Also, I have always hated far more to hear about flings and hookups than I have about relationships. I've been told this is an unusual reaction when it comes to hearing about previous relationships.

Finally, your reference to "girl of the moment" implies - to me - that I have a lot of girlfriends and get super-intense about each one. I tend to very rarely have a girlfriend. I very rarely meet women who I develop feelings for.

That said, I really don't disagree with anything you said, and I appreciate the time you took to answer my question. Do any of my clarifications make you want to add or subtract anything? Thanks again.

Carolyn Hax: Not really. These were just details, not the substance, which is over-investment in a relationship.

The only thing I'd add, based on the flings/hookups, is that it seems like you're specifically focused on (I wish I had a less charged word) purity of feelings. Like you need your story to be The Story, that not just any girl will do, only a special one, and her feelings for you will be special, and your feelings for her will be special, and your moments will be special. And I can think of no greater threat to this than past history--and so it would fit that quickie history might be worse than serious history.

If this is true, it's a setup that comes not only with steep expectations but, I would argue, a near denial of her (and your) humanity. What's going to make a relationship work, and therefore keep it together, is the earthy, real stuff of day-to-day. Do you get along, do you like the same things, are your goal in the same direction, do you laugh, did you (as you pointed out yourself) learn enough emotionally from past relationships to be comfortable being yourself, being honest. Obviously I could go on; the what-works list is endless, detailed, highly individual. That's what makes it special, cumulative mundane stuff.

I just don't think there's any way to put it in writing that will make you trust it.

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Arlington, Va.: Okay, so let's say you realize you have a problem with being too controlling of your spouse. Mine is a recovered substance abuser who still slips up once every few months. When she has one of her benders, I "clean up" after her and dispose of any drugs she brings home as well as clean out her phone, deleting the phone numbers of newly-made party friends. I lost my temper last weekend and called the dealer who sold to her, I told him that I was giving his name and phone number to the police. My wife is furious with me, I'm angry at being put in such a horrible situation, and embarrassed at my controlling behavior. How do I stop myself from being controlling? I know I should keep the issue between the two of us instead of hating the people who supply her with drugs, but I just can't stop it.

Carolyn Hax: It sounds as if your use of "recovered" is premature, to say the least. Once every few months? That's a lot. If you haven't had counseling yourself for dealing with a substance-abusing spouse, then it's time to try, and if you have had some, then it's time for a refresher.

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For picture of child in Iraq: I used to have a similar reaction to a song, every time I heard it or thought of it I would flat-out bawl, and I had no idea why. I finally figured out that it had an _emotional_ meaning to me something that had been lurking in my sub/un conscious mind my whole life and I wasn't even aware of.

There just may be something about that particular picture that has a hidden meaning for you. Trying to ignore that it bothered you won't help, just as dwelling on it won't either.

When it comes up, acknowledge to yourself that it is a powerful, upsetting image for you, and then think about what one small thing you can _do_ to help you feel better about the world. It doesn't have to be big. (Even something as simple as smiling at a store clerk and wishing them a nice day when they aren't expecting it can help make me feel better about the world.)

Carolyn Hax: Or, it just might tap into a primal human horror. Either way, I appreciate your suggestion.

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St. Paul, Minn.: Hi Carolyn,

My in-laws absolutely love grandchildren, so much in fact that I feel my husband and I, who are in our twenties and childless by choice, take second-tier to his siblings who have children. That actually doesn't bother me too much, but I do worry about the "when you two have kids" comments that we still get.

The thing is, my husband had a vasectomy a year ago, and we've kept this largely to ourselves at his request. We're wondering if his parents should at least be told so they won't even half-heartedly expect children from us anymore.

I feel like we're hiding something and giving them false hope by not correcting their assumptions with this concrete fact. They might even feel hurt by the knowledge, but I'd rather that we tell them on our terms now than have them find out down the road and be mad at us for not telling them sooner.

What do you think?

Carolyn Hax: Egad, tell them, please. It's not like you're announcing it to your neighbors at a block party, these are his parents. I'm sorry he didn't tell them a year ago.

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grad school hell: My best friend in my grad school class did the unthinkable and dated someone I used to date (also in our class). I am having a hard time forgiving her, even though I know she was going through family issues at the time. I also feel like my small class stayed on her side during this ordeal-- they invited her and my ex out to things, expected me to be able to go on weekend away trips with everyone included, and were miffed that they were not invited to my birthday party. Meanwhile, I haven't heard a kind word from most of them-- just an, "oh that must have been hard for you" would have been nice. I don't get it. And I don't know how to stop being so angry at everyone I see everyday.

Carolyn Hax:"The unthinkable"? Your friend went out with someone you used to love but never owned, and your grad school class expected you to act like an adult.

I am sorry you were humiliated. Really. It sucks. But this is the part where you shrug, say, "Oh well," and even try to mean it. It is your party and you can cry if you want to, but it's only making things worse for you.

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If you experience such problems today, please submit a comment to the chat with a description of the nature of your problem: Sure, but how do we know Carolyn's not just being really slow today?

washingtonpost.com: The kind of problem I am talking about is when you hit refresh and the chat page gets stuck refreshing and won't come back at all.

Carolyn Hax: Carolyn's always being really slow today.

That's why we're still here at 2:50. And that's why I'm leaving. Bye, thanks, hope to see youse next week.

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