Carolyn Hax
Washington Post Staff Writer
Friday, May 9, 2008; 12:00 PM
In her daily column in The Washington Post Style section, Carolyn Hax offers readers advice based on the experiences of someone who's been there. Hax is an ex-repatriated New Englander with a liberal arts degree and a lot of opinions and that's about it, really, when you get right down to it. Oh, and the shoes. A lot of shoes.
Carolyn was online Friday, May 9 taking your questions and comments about her current advice column and any other questions you might have about the strange train we call life. Her answers may appear online or in an upcoming column.
A transcript follows.
E-mail Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com.
Got more to say? Check out Carolyn's **brand new** discussion group, Hax-Philes. Comments submitted to the chat may be used in the discussion group.
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washingtonpost.com: Note to readers: I know this is getting to be a broken record, but we have still had complaints this week about problems with accessing or refreshing ongoing chats. If you experience such problems today, please submit a comment to the chat with a description of the nature of your problem, what browser you are using, etc. Or, you can e-mail that information to elizabeth.terry@wpni.com. Some users have been able to refresh the page by holding down the Control button when they hit Refresh. Thanks so much for your patience and your help. ____________________
At A Loss for Words: Submitting early, won't be able to check chat until after it's over.
My husband can't be bothered to care about his wardrobe. He has to be forced to shop once a year because he wears his pants till they fall apart. He's still wearing rugby shirts and sweatpants from the early 90s. He'll wear a brown belt with black shoes. Also, he doesn't take care of his clothes - he wears suit pants till they fall part, hangs them so they wrinkle, hangs a suit jacket on a wire hanger till it becomes misshapen. Never polishes his shoes, only buys work shoes every couple of years - I could go on.
My own fashion sense isn't stunning, but I try to stay current with trends and replace worn items and generally give the impression to the outside world that I care about my appearance. I feel like if I look good, I have confidence, and that shows in the work I do and the relationships I have.
Short of nominating him for "What Not To Wear," or arranging an intervention, I would like to communicate that appearance matters, especially in the professional world (he has a professional office job), and it doesn't hurt to carry that over into your personal life as well. I am struggling with how to put this into words in a way that doesn't totally crush his self-esteem, which is fragile right now for several reasons to complicated to get into here.
He'll try to rationalize it by saying, money's tight, we don't have money for me to buy clothes. Well, we buy them for the children, and I buy them, so I think that's a red herring.
I know clothes don't make the man, and this man truly is wonderful, kind-hearted, a fantastic father and husband, who has lots of friends. Our marriage is strong, as is our support network. Yet, I wonder if he is unintentionally communicating messages about himself through how he dresses.
Help me find a reason to Let It Go, or a way to communicate what I'm feeling about this. I feel like I may not have articulated what I'm trying to say here. Thanks.
Carolyn Hax: Normally my inclination is to address the underlying issue, but I think yours is a case for the overlying issue. Men's clothes are easy to to buy for someone else; you find a brand and size that fits and you just do it. Get rid of the wire hangers and replace them all with wood ones that will keep a jacket's shape. Idiotproof his entire clothing storage system however else you can. Tell him you're going to weed out his early '90s stuff unless he objects. If something's really gross, make it disappear--first to some sort of storage place for a probation period, then, if manages to live without it for that time, then out the door.
If you object to a takeover of this kind, look at it this way. Almost everyone has a blind spot. Therefore, being part of a good, functioning couple usually means helping someone with his or her blind spot while you get an assist with yours.
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Arlington, Va.: Hi Carolyn,
A good friend keeps making digs about how much money my fiance makes (or doesn't make, in her opinion). Fiance has a degree from a good college, but works as a carpenter because that is what he loves to do. I'm proud of him. My friend complains a lot about being single and has really only had bad relationships, so I tell myself that she's just trying to make me feel bad about my relationship. How do I respond to her comments? It bothers me that she's trying to hurt me, and I want to point that out without hurting her in return.
Carolyn Hax: "If you have something to say, please just say it."
Not that this is guaranteed to work. Your friend's unhealthy relationship history doesn't (just) mean she's jealous of your happy relationship. It means she has problems dealing with people in a healthy, productive way--all people, friends included. Friendships can often survive this when the two people really like each other, are patient and are willing to make the extra effort to get through rough times, but I think it's unrealistic to see her romantic problems as an isolated things. She's bringing her issues to bear on the way she's responding to your happiness. Think about it, find what you think is a good way to call her on it, and see where it goes. if she trusts that you like her, maybe she'll feel safe enough to be honest, instead of taking cowardly little shots.
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New York, N.Y.: Carolyn, my older sister lives in France and is married to a French guy. She is five months pregnant. She was over in NYC visiting me last week and when we went out to dinner she ordered a glass of wine! I told her that I was shocked that she would endanger her baby that way and she said that her doctor told her it was okay to have a glass of wine twice a week.
I told her that it didn't matter what her doctor told her; everyone knows that you don't drink when you're pregnant, right?? I can't believe that even a French doctor would be okay with this and I think she's being terribly selfish. I called our mom and asked her what she thought and she agreed with me. Now my sister is mad at both of us and says that this kind of thing is exactly why she moved out of the country. I don't know how this turned into such a big deal, I just wanted her to know that what she is doing is WRONG. Help!
Carolyn Hax: We are NOT going to make the discussion about this. We are NOT.
But for the sake of your relationship with your sister, you need to start apologizing. While I happen to be of the why-even-go-there? camp, there are indeed doctors who counsel moderation as your sister described.
Meanwhile, you shouted your sister down, accused her of endangering her baby, and then called your mother (!) to tell on her, and look at the way you stated your case: "Everyone knows that you don't drink when you're pregnant, right??" Well, is it right? Or not? If you're going to challenge someone's judgment that stridently, on such a loaded issue as the quality of her mothering, it's essential that you have more than "everybody knows" to inform your opinion.
So, inform your opinion. If you come across the same sources I used, you will see that there isn't a uniform opinion out there. There are cautions, certainly, and those cautions are more than enough for a lot of moms to choose to abstain. But there are also differing schools of thought. Among people who study this for a living.
Now read this: "I don't know how this turned into such a big deal, I just wanted her to know that what she is doing is WRONG." It's a big deal because you're refusing to admit you may have done something wrong; instead you're hiding behind an absolute. Be an adult, figure out that you were way out of line, relay that message to your sister, and mean it.
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Re: Protocol on returning shower gifts when wedding is canceled: Hi Carolyn,
Yikes, I didn't know that was the protocol either! However, I've never been married or had a shower, so maybe that excuses my ignorance. And yes, I'd appreciate someone telling me what the protocol is.
But hey... the shower was last summer. The wedding was postponed a month later, but we don't know when it was canceled. What if many of the gifts were used, worn, consumed, spent, etc. by then? What is the showeree supposed to do then? And as a showerer, I wouldn't even WANT my gift returned, though I'd probably go with a small token gift if the person had another shower in the future. Taking back a gift (or expecting it to be returned) just seems so petty. Your thoughts?
Carolyn Hax: The etiquette for a used gift is to buy a replacement and return that. Better idea, don't use the gifts until after the wedding.
Certainly the gift-giver is free to refuse the returned gift, and the ex-bride or groom can then return the intended replacement.
Yes, it's messy, but that's what broken engagements are. Still better than a divorce.
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Providence, R.I.: Hi Carolyn. Regarding the "economic stimulus rebate" check we're getting... I had no intention of using it to stimulate the economy in any way - in fact, I intended to use it to pay off the last of my credit card debt (YAH!). I made the mistake of mentioning this to a coworker, who said we have a "patriotic duty" to do what we can with that "free" money to help the economy. i.e., buy a TV or clothes, etc. Assuming he was joking, I chuckled and he said he's not joking, and that if I just stash away the money, I'm no better than a welfare mom who keeps having kids to get a bigger gov't check. Now I can't help but feel a little guilty about my plans. Is it generally accepted that we're morally obligated to spend this money? What does the peanut gallery think? And what to do about this coworker, who really rattled my concentration for most of this week? Thank you so much.
Carolyn Hax: 1. It's your money. Pay off your debt. (If it makes you feel better, this will likely make you a more eager consumer down the road.)
2. Use this experience as a lesson not to share your personal information with him. Or with anyone you don't know well or trust, if outside input has this much of an effect on you.
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Secular Son in Potomac, Md.: My mother is very religious. Very, very religious. Very, very, very religious. (Dad was similarly devout, but passed away long ago.) I drifted away from the church when I was in high school and have no desire to find my way back and she knows this. When we get together for the holidays, the pre-meal prayer usually includes a word or fifteen about me finding my way back to church.
When my son was born eight years ago, my mother assumed there would be a baptism, in spite of the fact that she knew my wife and I don't attend church. (Yeah, I'm not sure how she thought that was going to happen, either.) My sister assumed there would be a baptism, as well. When I told my sister there wouldn't be, she responded melodramatically, "That's going to kill Mom. KILL HER."
Eight years later, we still haven't baptized our son and Mom is still alive and kicking. That said, she still insists on sending us "Purpose-Driven Life"-ish books on occasion. Earlier this week, Mom sent me an email containing a Bible verse she intended for me to read to my son. (That's not going to happen.)
Asking Mom to stop and reminding her of my choice to raise our son to be agnostic (not atheist) results in crying, wailing, and begging/pleading/nagging for me to go to church. Is ignoring her entreaties to come to Jesus really my only option here? I think it's rather rude and disrespectful to try and force one's religious beliefs on another, but obviously Mom doesn't agree.
Carolyn Hax: She's not going to stop. Presumably she feels she has a duty -not- to stop. So, yes, I think ignoring her entreaties really is the only option, since the alternatives are capitulation, which apparently isn't happening, or estrangement, which neither of you seems to want, which is promising.
I'm curious. How was a baptism to have been arranged, since your rejection of organized religion would have put you in a position either to lie, or to promise to raise your son according to beliefs in which you openly don't believe? Apparently Unitarian Universalist is an option, but are there others?
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Re: Rebate Check: Smack! (Head hits keyboard)
I am an economist. Please tell the poster to tell his/her co-worker that the check makes its way back into the economy either way. If you spend it, it stimulates demand, which creates jobs, profits, etc. If you save it (or pay back debt), it provides liquidity to the loanable funds market which stimulates demand, which creates jobs, profits, etc. Obviously, this is an over-simplified explanation, and the second way is less obvious to the casual observer. (It is related to the reason that monetary policy works at all.)
Anyway, the whole idea of handing out checks as an appropriate economic stimulus (given our growing national debt) is debated by trained economists, many of whom love our country and consider ourselves patriotic.
Ignore your co-worker. He has no idea what he is talking about.
Carolyn Hax: I like that as a mantra. Thanks.
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Norfolk, Va.: I had a very good friend who started treating me horribly (comments about how fat I was - to other people, saying she never met anyone with my name that she could stand to be around, etc). I broke it off about three years ago and continued to treat her with civility (our 17 year old boys are best friends). Today I got an e-mail from her trying to bury the hatchet for their sake - saying that she never meant to hurt me. I'm not sure how to respond - I've waited a long time for her to realize that her behavior only hurt her in the end, and now that she (sort of) has, it feels rather like ashes in the mouth. And my son really wants us to get along and I'm not sure how much of this is the boys trying to get us together.
Carolyn Hax: What, then, did she mean? If you can ask that in a way that doesn't sound like picking a fight, but instead like genuine curiosity, then I at least would be genuinely curious to know the answer.
If she were willing to come clean with both an admission of her hostility, and an explanation for its source--not just a cursory one, but one that has substance and rings true--then I would at least hear her out. Trust her again, maybe not, but hear her out, yes.
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religious mom: I've had a similar issue with my mom for years. I tried having the arguments and discussions and also tried letting the comments roll off my back. Finally, I said, "Mom. I know your beliefs. You know mine. Every time you hit me over the head with them, all you are doing is driving a wedge between us. I am not able to feel the love you say you feel for me while also hearing you say that you think I'll burn in hell for all eternity. I do want to have a relationship with you, but I need to ask you to please keep your religious comments to yourself." She countered that her religion was a big part of her life, and I said I wasn't going to ask her not to mention that she was at bible study or something -- but to please respect my differences and not mention it in respect to me. I said neither of us were likely to change our minds, her position had been made repeatedly over the years and was DULY NOTED so let's agree to disagree and talk about something else. This actually worked, and it's been over 6 months without any moral condemnations. Happy Mother's Day!
Carolyn Hax: Nicely done. Thanks.
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Arizona: Getting Divorced and getting impatient: Divorce sucks.
I'm getting horribly impatient to move on with my life (marriage has been over for 8 months) but I'm sharing a house, can't buy my own place until the settlement is done in early autumn sometime... thinking about dating but keep getting lectures from friends/family that I need to wait until the divorce is final.
Any advice on how to pass the time until October?
Carolyn Hax: Ugh. More lectures.
Are you sharing a house with your ex-to-be? Then that would be a reason not to date.
Are you in a situation that has even a little bitterness to it, in which dating could be used against you legally? Then that's a reason not to date.
Are you seeing dating as a means of moving on with your life? Then that's a reason not to date. There are lots of other ways to stretch your life-legs than to go out looking for a new entanglement with someone else.
If everything is settled and the divorce was amicable and the rest is just listening to a clock tick, and if you're sharing a house with a friend, then I don't think anyone has any business judging you for living your life as an unattached person. I would still be really, really careful with that "horribly impatient" mood you're in, though. Life is long. It's pretty rare when a big rush for anything is necessary.
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Baptism: I got into a huge fight with my girlfriend about this a couple months ago. She says that if/when we have kids, she wants them baptized in the Anglican church. I was incredulous, because she has told me repeatedly that she was an agnostic, leaning toward atheist (as am I). Neither of us have been to a church (except for a wedding or funeral) for years. I asked her why she possibly could want her children baptized if she didn't believe in it and her responses varied from "Just to be safe", to "It will be so cute and my mother wants it".
I refused to be part of it, saying that if my kid wants to be baptized they can do it when they old enough to make their own choice. She thinks I'm being ridiculous.
We eventually let the conversation drop, but believe me, this is weighing heavily on my mind as I decide whether to take this relationship any further.
Don't even get me started on the church wedding she "has always dreamed of".
Carolyn Hax: Context, context. How's her integrity in general? Are these exceptions, or does she often just want things a certain way and then adapt her positions accordingly?
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Washington, D.C.: Hi Carolyn -- When, if at all, do you bring up your personal financial situation with the person you're dating? I've been seeing my boyfriend for about a year. He's much better off than I financially (he has a very successful business that he started from the ground up). I have a great profession that I love and pays pretty well, but my mortgage payments are set to increase soon, and unless I can refinance my money is going to be TIGHT until the housing market starts bouncing back. On dates, he probably pays 60-70% of the time, and I pay 30-40% of the time. I've prided myself over the years as being a financially independent woman who doesn't expect a man to take care of me. But I know that in a few months, I'm not going to have as much extra money to offer to buy tickets or pay for dinner for even the 30-40% of the time. He's apt to notice, and I don't want him to think I'm turning into a gold digger, but I don't want to divulge my financial situation to him (my loan was the result of having bad credit a few years back, and he's soooo responsible I am just embarrassed). What do I tell him, if anything? Thanks.
Carolyn Hax: You tell him, when it happens, that your adjustable mortgage just adjusted and your disposable income is down to nothing and you're going to need to hold up your end of things by having him over for dinner. You are who you are, your situation is what it is, and, if he's a good person for you, he's going to judge you on the whole story, not just one detail of it. What can I say. The only good outcome is one that arises from the truth.
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Bridezilla-ville, USA: Hi, Carolyn. I've been a longtime devoted reader of your chats. Here's my question: I'm getting married at the end of the month and am having a small wedding. Two of my closest friends, who are traveling to my town for the wedding, are bringing their young baby who, I've just learned, is going through the stranger anxiety phase. We had previously arranged for a babysitter for the wedding (which will be no more than 45 mins long) but now it seems like that may not be an option. We discussed having one of them watch him in the house where the wedding will be held while the other attends the wedding, but they also asked if it would be an option to bring him to the wedding itself. I'm unfortunately not comfortable with that because I feel like it's impossible to predict how babies will behave and I fear that rather than concentrating on the ceremony I'll be watching nervously to see whether the baby starts crying. I told them this and they agreed, but clearly weren't happy. Am I being unreasonable?
Carolyn Hax: If it's more important to you to have both of these friends at the wedding, then let them bring the baby in, sit by an exit and scoot out if the baby cries. If it's more important for you not to have a baby start to cry at your wedding, then ask them to stick to the plan of having the baby on-site but not at the ceremony itself. Who knows, maybe the couple can still bring a sitter, and if the baby's okay with it the parent can slip in to the wedding after all.
I really am trying to present this as neutrally as possible--I think anyone who wants an adults-only wedding is entitled to have that. There's no law that says everyone has to find kids charming. However, this is life. Friends have babies, babies cry, and the weddings they cry through are still legally binding marriages.
Throw in the fact that wedding ceremonies without crying babies often go off the rails for their own reasons, and that's why my answer last week was to gauge the bride (or groom, whichever one the baby's parents are closer to). Is s/he relaxed or stressed? Are you close or a courtesy guest? So that is, again, my advice to you: What are your priorities?
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Norfolk Again: She called right after you posted your answer, so I asked her. And at least her answer made me feel better:
Quote: "To make my son stop hanging out with you."
Follow-up as to why: "Because you weren't a good parent then and I can see that you must've changed since I like your son."
I asked if there was anything else she wanted to talk about, and I got a "Nope" with a hang-up.
I believe that had she been there to hear that would count as a "wow" moment.
Carolyn Hax: Wow.
I guess you can scratch that conundrum off your list.
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New Single Mom Drowning, Help!: Carolyn-
I'm a newly single mom my to little girl, and I just started back at work after a while off (long story). I have just been losing it this week trying to work, get to daycare on time (late twice - $50 fines), making a meal, and being "there" at all for her. Sometimes I think its just impossible. I have people I can count on for emergencies or a phone call, but no one to clean up when the cat got sick at the same time my daughter needs to go potty and the dinner is burning. I was in therapy to deal with the divorce, but stopped when I started working full time. Anybody have advice how to get through this?
Carolyn Hax: Round up some of your emergency people this weekend, and have them help with your little girl while you shop for and prepare some dinners that you can freeze for weekday nights, plan out your work outfits, set out a week's worth of clothes for your daughter, and whatever other element of your weekday morning/evening routine you can knock out ahead of time. It may sound like little answers to a big problem, but, really, your anxiety will drop noticeably if you strip your routine down to almost nothing.
Time will take care of the rest. You know how, in the I-can't-handle-my-little-kids movies, there's always a montage showing how they've all found a routine? Well, they never show the puking cat, but they do get the general idea. New things take twice as long as they do when they become old things. You just need to keep from freaking out till you get there, thus the weekend assembly line strategy.
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Seattle: Carolyn,
I thought your advice to the woman whose ex dated someone else in her grad program was a little harsh. I play a sport whose members make up a close-knit community. I broke up with my fiance of 5 years, and found I couldn't be around a group of people in my community because it reminded me of painful things, particularly after he started dating someone else. I dealt with this by expanding my social circle outside of my sport. A year later, I still can't be around him and his new girlfriend, but I have a whole lot of new friends that know me only as me and not as someone else's ex. It's not always as easy as "grow up and get over it".
Carolyn Hax: Well, yes, sometimes it is--it just isn't easy to do. There's a difference.
And when you don't have the choice to avoid the painful-reminder person, when you're just stuck with him or her, then you don't deal with it by getting angry at everyone else for the fact that you're upset. You recognize it as your pain, and only your pain, and you deal with it. Again--difficult for sure, but there are no appealing alternatives.
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Minnesota: Two years ago, my 23 yr old daughter ended contact with me because she disagreed with my decision to divorce her father. A couple months after, I sent her a note saying I missed her. She told me to leave her alone, so I have. I guess I always hoped she'd change her mind. So now I realize she's not going to. Most of the time, I am fine and life goes on as usual, but every now and then, I still cry over her. Are there some hurts that never really heal?
Carolyn Hax: Sure. I don't know if this will turn out to be one of them, but, yes, there are wounds that don't heal.
I hope for your sake, but in fact mostly for your daughter's, that she grows up and realizes her punishment far exceeds your crime, even if you treated her father abominably. Family estrangement is a last resort for chronic abuse, not a first resort for a statement of principle. There's just too much nuance to families for it all to be flushed over one thing.
She will have to come to this on her own, however. One way to hasten that would be for her father to step in to point out what I just did. Another way would take longer--for her father -not- to step in, because he wants to punish you, too. That, I hope, would eventually tap her on the shoulder to point out that if nothing else the divorce was less black-and-white than she had originally thought.
Either way, it will take soul-searching on her part, and not a lot of people are naturally drawn to search their souls. It's dark and spidery in there. Usually they need to get to the point where the alternative is so much worse that they're finally willing to go in. Till then, you grieve, and do your best to get on with your life.
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Broken record re refreshing the chats: Frankly, I don't understand what everyone's deal is. In the YEARS that I have been reading these chats -- Carolyn's and myriad others -- my browser has NEVER automatically refreshed to add new content whenever the host hit "post." This even when there was a link at the bottom of the chat labeled "automatically refresh." So I gave up and just hit "refresh" all the time. It's really not that hard.
washingtonpost.com: What you describe is not the problem people are having. The chats don't automatically refresh (maybe they used to, not anymore). What people are experiencing is that when they hit refresh, the page stalls out mid-refresh and they have to close out, re-open the main home page and go again to the chat. If you are experiencing this, please submit a question to the chat letting me know what kind of browser you are using and any other details... or e-mail me about it at elizabeth.terry@wpni.com. Thanks. - Elizabeth
Carolyn Hax: Apologies to those having problems. Please do e-mail Elizabeth so we can figure this out.
Now back to my own refreshing problems.
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Arlington, Va.: Dear Carolyn,
I'm about to turn 30, I see a doctor regularly, and I am, in her words, "in excellent health." My bad cholesterol levels are extremely low, my heart is healthy, I have excellent lung capacity, everything's functioning properly, my blood pressure is extremely low, yadda yadda.
However, I have gained a bit of weight (15 pounds) in the past three years. I have also gotten married, and my parents, who used to live overseas, have returned to the area. My parents, but especially my mom, are constantly jibing at me about my weight. Recently, my mom has even started e-mailing my husband about my weight, telling him that he "has to do something." She claims that she is worried about my health, despite the fact that I have told her that I am, according to my doctor, very healthy. I know that she is primarily concerned about how I look -- she is obsessed with what other people think. I've always noticed that about her and thought it sad, but generally just reacted by being a happy person and ignoring her when she obsesses.
However, her e-mails are driving my husband crazy. And since he's not happy that I've gained weight, her constant annoying e-mails to him are becoming an issue between us. I'm already sick to death of hearing my mom's sniping, but I've learned to ignore her. Now that she's driving him nuts, the issue of my weight gain is coming up more often between me and my husband.
I feel that, as long as I am healthy, eating well, and staying fit and active, I should be left alone. I think that my metabolism changed in my late 20s, and that that's life. I refuse to court anorexia or take diet pills. I'm sick of sometimes allowing my mom and my husband to make me feel bad about myself, and wondering why they are doing this to me. In fact, I'm crying right now. If I could magically lose 15 pounds, that would be great. But this is me. What can I do to make this situation stop? I told my husband to tell my mom that he understands her point and that she can stop sending the the emails about my weight. I'm not sure if he did that or not. It's an uncomfortable topic to discuss. I'm really frustrated. Please help me. Nothing I say makes a difference.
Carolyn Hax: I know you're probably looking for reassurance and a get-out-of-my-face-free card. I do have both, in that you're paying attention to the things that count, and you will always have that to deflect your critics. "I am healthy. I am okay with my body the way it is. I will no longer have this conversation with you." And then (it all fails without this) don't have the conversation with them.
However, there seems to be more to this. You have an appearance conscious, boundary unconscious mother, and a husband who is doing a better job of enabling her than he is supporting you. If you have a similar hunch that there's a pattern here, then counseling wouldn't be an out-of-proportion response. It could help you figure out the dynamic, which would then help you deal with it more productively.
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Say my name!: Hi Carolyn,
So I like this guy on my pick-up soccer league and would like to ask him out. We're always friendly and chatty, he's single, and since I find myself constantly thinking about him, I figured it was a sign I'd like to get to know him better! I'm not always good at reading the signs but though he might be interested in me as well, until he suddenly started calling me the wrong name (after calling me the correct one up until then). Doh! I mean, I can be forgetful with names as well, we hadn't seen each other for a month or so, and it was a variant on my name (think Joan/Joanne or Laura/Laurie). But still, if you're into someone, that's something you usually remember, no? What's a good way to approach this- "Actually, I'm _____. By the way, do you want to go out for coffee sometime?" Or is this a sign that I should just save my dignity and not pursue it?
Thanks!
Carolyn Hax: Well, at least not till he gets your name right. Correct him and give it a little more time.
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Drowning moms: Yes! When I had full-time lawyer job + 1-hr commute each way, I used Saturday to do as much as I could, and it made it manageable. Add to the list:
Pack lunches for the week Sunday night (or at least make sandwiches and put everything in a "grab-n-go" spot in the fridge).
Buy more prepackaged stuff -- a turkey sandwich is healthier/cheaper than a Lunchable, but Just Not Worrying helps in particularly bad weeks. You can go back to the better stuff later.
Lower your standards. After we had no. 2, we all dressed out of clean laundry piles for a while. And yet, we all survived.
Buy as much nonperishable stuff as you have room for in one swell foop on a weekend when it's on sale. It's nice not having to worry about cat food or toilet paper for a month at a time.
Consider new daycare, if that's at all doable. Sucks, but you can't control traffic, and when your quitting time is too close to daycare closing, worrying about whether you're going to get out in time will add immeasurably to your feeling of stress (BTDT). Finding a daycare that gives you even another half-hour leeway will make a HUGE difference in how rushed/frantic you feel all day.
Carolyn Hax: Thanks.
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College soul-searching: I go to a competitive Ivy League school. In general, I like it here -- I love my education and my surroundings, and the people I spend time with are passionate and interesting (not the soulless types). I've been slowly realizing that I'm really not the ambitious type, and while I'm passionate about a lot of things, I'm not that driven. I derive much more satisfaction from day-to-day life than the glamour of accomplishing big and exciting things (which are sincerely big and exciting; I don't begrudge my friends their successes), and I think I'd like a life of working a 9-5 job in environmental protection, volunteering, and hanging out. I haven't found my grand passion yet, and I think that can be OK. Right?
However, in this environment, it's been hard to figure out how to be completely OK with this attitude. Part of this is a simple question of contributing to conversation -- next to hearing about the progress of a play a friend's directing or the research grant another friend got to travel to exotic locales, it seems kind of lame and inadequate to say "Today I overheard a great joke, watered my plants, and said hi to someone who was having a bad day." And then there's this weird guilt -- anytime I mention reading a novel, I get some variation on "Oh, I wish I had time to read books for fun" -- as if by reading for fun, I wasn't devoting enough of my time to big important awesome things. Because what they spend time doing is legitimately good stuff, and I wouldn't at all mind having the personality traits that allow them to do that.
So, honestly -- am I doing something wrong? Should I be listening to these feelings of inferiority and trying to change myself for the better? And if my attitude is fine, how do I make it fit in with people whose approach is different (whom I nevertheless like and who like me)?
Carolyn Hax: They: "Oh, I wish I had time to read books for fun."
You: Yeah. I'm glad I do.
That's really it. I'm not sure we have enough for an it's-simple-to-spell-out-but-much-harder-to-do theme, but this fits in if we do. You're in this mode now, which means it -is- right. Period.
Let's say there's an underlying wrong somewhere ... for example, you have low self-esteem and you're thinking small because you don't think you have the talent to think bigger (I certainly don't believe this, by the way; this is purely for the sake of argument). Even if that's true, then the way you're responding still isn't "wrong." It's right for you now, which is right enough. It's your way of coping with life in Achieverville.
Just because you choose coping over confronting/battling uphill now, doesn't mean that's your only choice forever after. Any underlying problem will probably not go away, and your feelings of inferiority will eventually intensify and you'll know for sure you need to deal with your self-esteem issue (or whatever else you might be afraid is holding you back). No over-compensatory hanging out you decided to do in college will prevent you from taking on a problem when you're good and ready. Which happens to be the universally perfect time for taking on a problem.
That is, again, if there's even a problem. Not everybody wants a high-powered life, is temperamentally suited to a high-powered life, or would be doing the world a favor by having a high-powered life. Having your kind of academic training can make you an asset in any life you choose, at any speed--9-5, volunteer, professional hanger-out. It's fine to be glad you;re not the one who's swamped, and it's okay to skip trying to fit in and just tell the really great joke you heard. (If you have the skill to re-tell it well, then you might well be more marketable then all your high-powered friends combined. Just a happy thought for the back of your mind.)
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twist on single mom question: I am friends with a married couple who recently had a baby. Since the birth, they have expected friends to pitch in often. They never discussed this with us before. The past few times they've asked for a sitter, I haven't been able to help for legitimate reasons. Yesterday I received an angry email from the husband accusing me of not doing my duty as their friend and telling me to shape up.
My duty? Shape up? I don't recall that my name is Nanny.
Carolyn Hax: I don't see this friendship lasting much longer, but if you're inclined to give it one last shot, please feel free to ask if there's some other reason they're upset? Because having prior plans when asked a favor hardly seems like an act of treason.
If you need the point of reference (it doesn't sound as if you do): What the new parents are asking is extremely presumptuous. They had the baby, not their friends. Pitching in is strictly a volunteer proposition. Who would want conscripted help, anyway?
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Half waving, half drowning: Carolyn, what if you're feeling overwhelmed but you're NOT the newly single mom of a toddler? I've got no particular reason for being unable/unwilling/disinclined to put the laundry away, do the dishes, pick up after myself, engage in some creative expression, etc... and I have a good motivation, in that I would love to someday be a self-actualized person with a cleanish house. But just going to work and dance or yoga seems to exhaust me through the rest of the evening and on into the weekend. The idea of being marginally tidy is daunting. Am I terminally lazy, or mildly depressed, or what?
Carolyn Hax: Um. You work, then do a workout class? That's a lot for people who aren't particularly young or particularly energetic. Cordon off some evenings and two weekend hours on your schedule as chaos-management time, and see if that doesn't nudge you toward cleanishness on its own.
If that doesn't work and you feel too listless even to lift yourself up to do dishes, then it might be time for a physical.
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BTDT?: What is BTDT?
And by the way France does have different policies on alcohol during pregnancy, as does the Netherlands and the UK. In the Netherlands the waiters won't serve a pregnant woman steak unless it is well done, but there are no restrictions on cheese. In France children are encouraged to eat blue cheese from an early age. In the Netherlands tea is encouraged from age 1 as part of the national health protocol. Government policies and propaganda have in part to do with who is lobbying and how much sway they have with the politicians in addition to the scientific credentials.
washingtonpost.com: BTDT = Been There, Done That
Carolyn Hax: If there's a country that encourages coffee, wine, chocolate and a sedentary lifestyle for middle-aged women, please let me know.
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cleaning: Don't tackle it all at once. Do 15 minutes a day, or less. Far less overwhelming than everything all at once. And it gets you to a "cleanish" standard that most normal people can welcome.
Carolyn Hax: Right. And bait it with something you want--after the 10 minutes, you can go watch X and go to bed.
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D.C.: My boyfriend's parents are divorcing after more than 30 years of marriage. While there wasn't any cheating, and things are not as bad as they could be, his parents are both relying on him as their support through the process.
He won't tell them to back off, and I know he's hurting from the amount of negative information he's hearing about their marriage and his childhood.
His concept of marriage is rapidly deteriorating, and I don't know how to help him see that strong relationships do exist. We're at a point of our relationship where it's hard NOT to think about eventual marriage. I'm having a hard time dealing with his new non-belief in long lasting relationships. Is his new outlook a reflection on me?
Carolyn Hax: It's not about you. Well, most of it probably isn't.
What he's going through is -huge-. He's holding up every bit of his childhood bedrock and inspecting it for cracks he never knew were there--that he never knew to look for before.
I would argue that someone who goes through this awful process is actually a better candidate for a lasting, long-term relationship. Far better to entrust your happy ending to an informed skeptic than to someone whose idea of a happy marriage was created by two people who spent multiple decades propping up a lie. He may take a while to settle into a peaceful state of mind about all this, since it's all pretty new, and you may be long broken up by then, who knows. But better that he's getting the truth now, before he's heavily invested in his pre-truth view of the world.
For your part, you can help him see that strong relationships exist by being an open, honest, flexible partner, the kind who helps create a strong relationship. He may not be able, ready or even interested in being the other half of that partnership. But it's not your job to be an unpaid lobbyist for marriage, especially not if all you're after is to be married. Your job is to be yourself, to be his friend, to be someone he can trust, and to let this play out the way it needs to play out.
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For the woman who may have married her mother: Ever try saying to either of them what you said to Carolyn here today - why do you want to hurt me so much?
I hear a lot of ignoring going on, and even a "tell Mom you understand her point," which I really don't get - because her point is wrong - but nothing to indicate that she's ever told either of them how upsetting this is for her. It may not make a bit of difference - but that's something to know, too, isn't it?
Carolyn Hax: Indeed. Thanks.
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Cleaning: Or just pay someone to come every other week and clean, if you can afford it. You feel like a yuppie tool at first and then you realize it is the awesome-est decision you ever made. Seriously.
Carolyn Hax: Yuppie tool. Heh heh.
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Washington, D.C.: Carolyn, I know it's a little late in the chat for this, but I thought I'd give it a shot. I recently lost my mother, and am feeling overwhelmed by all of the Mother's Day this-and-that going on around me. I go back and forth between being really sad and really annoyed.
Other than crawling under a rock, what can I do to get over it?
Carolyn Hax: You can be really sad, really annoyed AND crawl under a rock. There's no magic fairy dust that gets people through crap, and there's no one this-is-the-high-road-and-you'll- feel-better-if-you-suck-it-up-and-do-it formula. Resist any self-destructive impulses, act on kind impulses, take care of yourself and cry at inopportune times. Then, it will be Monday. I'm sorry about your ma.
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Today's chat: I see a theme in this discussion today. Observe:
- mother attacks son about his religious choices (with daughter's help)
- never-pregnant sister tells pregnant sis about how to be pregnant
- mom nags daughter AND son-in-law about daughter's weight
- ex-friend impugns parenting skills
- friend makes digs against friend's fiance
- co-worker waves the flag about how to spend stimulus check
What is up with people telling others how to live their lives??? Is it always like this, or is today special?
Carolyn Hax: I thought every day was special around here. You forgot, new dad chastises friend for not helping with his new baby.
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RE: Baptism/Wedding and Church again: The thing is, she's completely aware of and readily admits the contradictions, but doesn't want to back down. Part of it is pressure from other forces in her life - her mother, who she can't say no to, and her friends who have had those dream weddings.
Both a wedding and children are a long way off for us. We've been dating 18 months and wouldn't get married for at least a few more years. And we have a great relationship otherwise - rarely ever fight, challenge each other (in a good way) constantly, have great adventures, share some interests, willing to try the interests of the other person that we don't share. She is an amazing girlfriend because she is a great friend and great companion.
But, again, it's taking that next step that I don't know about. I've told her flat out that we have a lot of work to do if we want to get married someday because we are both stubborn people who disagree on some of the big things in a marriage that you don't deal with in our current situation: not just the wedding, but finances, number of kids, etc. She understands and agrees there is work to be done.
So the tricky part now is figuring out how much each party is willing to give and, if one or the other decides that the amount the other is giving not enough (or decides "I'm not willing to give any more myself"), when do you say "We're a great couple, but marriage just isn't in the cards for us."
If that last sentence makes sense, any advice on how to know when you've reached that point?
Carolyn Hax: I see stubbornness as being a problem for both of you. All marriages are different, all people bring different advantages, you know the list--but the thing that gets people to work together is that they work together. Duh, you'd think, but I bet you can tick off five marriages that are strained by someone who doesn't budge. Talk about a special theme in these discussions: "He won't go to therapy," "She refuses to talk about it," "We've been having the same fight for years," you know this list, too. Stubbornness is immaturity wearing a veil of social acceptability. That's it. And immaturity kills marriages.
As it happens, your girlfriend has immaturity running around in two other costumes, too--caving to Mama and looking over her shoulder to see what everyone else is doing. So, yes, you two do have a long way to go, and the number of kids or location of the ceremony would just be the markers of what needs to change, not the substance of it (though they can become substantial, even to mature people, especially the family size issue).
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Boston: Please resolve a disagreement between husband and myself.... last week we received a wedding invite that said "Please no boxed gifts." Rude?? I took it to mean: "please don't bring your crummy presents - cash only!" He said it was no different than a registry. What do you think?
Carolyn Hax: Rude. You never tell people how to give you gifts unless they expressly ask. Which is why the registry is a useful, not rude, tool if handled properly--i.e., as a courtesy to guests, not a make-me-a-princess kit. This to is offered only when requested.
Now I'm leaving, I swear. Thanks all, type to you next week.
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Listlessness: PLEASE have your adrenal level as well as your thyroid checked if exercise makes you tired instead of energized. Learning about this saved my sanity. (OK, I'm lazy, but I also have adrenal exhaustion that responds to treatment.)
Carolyn Hax: Okay, one more thing. Thanks for the tip.
The anxious mom whose hair was falling out, from a few weeks ago, should get her thyroid checked, too; I heard from a reader on that and meant to pass it along.
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Bay Area, Calif.: As someone whose parents divorced after almost 25 years, let me say emphatically that the boyfriend whose parents are divorcing will be much better off if he establishes proper boundaries NOW and not after he's been told too many toxic details and dragged into the pain and muck of a disintegrating marriage. As much as he might feel like he needs to support his parents in their time of need, like they have no one else to talk to or even he might secretly want to hear the dirt so that he understands what happened, he will be better off if he resists getting involved. Even seemingly amicable divorces can go wrong on the separation path and establishing himself as a touchstone or "friend" to his parents will really lock him in the middle and in the muck. He should direct his parents to their friends, therapists, other family members, but try to stay out of it.
My father always felt close to me and told me way too much during the initial separation. He was depressed so I let him. Plus, they claimed to be getting along and everything was going to be fine! When I finally asked him to stop, he "tried" but really couldn't understand why I couldn't be on his side and hate my mother for what she did to him. Maybe if he just explained again, explained better, I would understand. Years of this and my relationship with my father is in shreds, but my siblings that did a better job of setting boundaries with him are doing much better.
There is just too much pain involved in the average divorce after a long marriage. As a child to the marriage, you already have a lot of sorting and dealing to do with the portions you witnessed, you don't need that added burden of supporting your parents on the specifics of their divorce. Be there for them, do stuff with them, call them to talk about your life or the weather, but direct them to other people for support on the specifics of the divorce.
Carolyn Hax: Meant to get there but went in a different direction--v. important point, thank you.
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