Streeter Seidell
Front Page Editor, CollegeHumor.com
Thursday, August 16, 2007; 1:00 PM
Attention freshmen:
A transcript follows.
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Streeter Seidell: Hi everyone. Glad you could all trick your bosses into thinking you're working long enough to stop by and chat with me. So, who has a question about college?
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Washington, D.C.: What was your most memorable freshman moment?
Streeter Seidell: That's a difficult question for a number of reasons which were illegal for me to consume at the time, but overall I'd say it was being awoken by the NYPD one morning and being asked if I knew where my roommate had gone. (I didn't)
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Harrisburg, Pa.: My roommate is a sleep walker. He says not to wake him if he sleep walks. Yet, he sleep walks and mumbles about how he is planning to kill me. Now I can't sleep. Any advice?
Streeter Seidell: In this case, I believe a preemptive strike is in order. Why, just look how well it has worked for us in Iraq!
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Arlington, Va.: What do you think are the biggest transitions most students have to make from high school to college? What's the biggest hurdle they'll have to overcome?
Streeter Seidell: I think it's exceptionally difficult for a lot of students to get used to doing things without help from their parents. I remember walking out into my Freshman hall one evening and seeing at least a dozen kids on the cellphone with their parents. Also, getting used to the amount of free time you suddenly can be a bit of a shock and can either lead to a lot of naps or a lot of creativity. In terms of the biggest hurdle, sleeping with as many people as possible seems to be the major concern of most Freshmen. That and Intro to Organic Chem. Man, that class was awful.
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Philadelphia, Pa.: I have a problem adjusting to college. I walked around the streets of Philadelphia for hours looking for something to do. I finally asked a local and told me "I've been walking the streets of Philadelphia for hours looking for something to do. What is it that you Philadelphians do?" He told me "you just did it." What should I do?
Streeter Seidell: Go to Pat's and get a Cheese Wit.
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Washington, D.C.: Is there any truth about the Freshman 15?
Streeter Seidell: Not really. It's more like 20 these days. When that term was coined it wasn't as easy to make food in your room. Now we have George Foremans and Easy Mac and Ramen to help out with the weight gain.
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Arlington, Va.: If you could do freshman year all over again, would you do anything different? And what's something every freshman should try to do?
Streeter Seidell: If I could do it all over again I wouldn't have shown up on the first day wearing a Hawaiian shirt. That was mistake #1. I also would have lied to my new friends more about all the cool and fun things I did in high school. Most of my stories involved "crazy" things that went down during marching band trips and I spent the next four years trying to convince people that being in the band at my school "was totally different, totally a cool thing to do." (it was)
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Windsor, Ontario, Canada: I got my undergrad degree last year and my grades are pretty horrific. Does Collegehumor.com have any applications that will allow me to hack into my school's servers and modify my grades so that I can have a chance of getting into grad school?
Streeter Seidell: Of course we do. Just mail in $85 (US dollars, mind you) and I'll totally send you the software in the mail.
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Geneseo, N.Y.: Is hazing really as rampant as I'm led to believe?
Streeter Seidell: Obligations to the brotherhood prevent me from answering this question.
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Easton, Pa.: Any tips for getting Sharpie off of skin?
Streeter Seidell: Industrial strength soaps like Goop work pretty well. Incidentally, this is why you'll never see a mechanic with a giant phallus drawn on his forehead.
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Baltimore, Md.: Hi, I've recently met my roommate and it seems like he is a big partier. Now I don't usually party often, however I like to every once in a while. What do I do if he is bringing girls over at all hours and making our room the party room? We can't switch rooms within the first month.
Streeter Seidell: You're just going to have to deal with it at least until the housing freeze ends. In the meantime, try to have some fun. He sounds like the kind of guy who brings the party with him wherever he goes and, while it may lead to some late Tuesday nights, the stories you'll have about him some day will be worth an occasional missed class or D-.
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Mobile, Ala.: When is it okay to skip class?
Streeter Seidell: The best time to skip class in a small class is the one that falls at the midpoint between two tests. You don't want to skip the class before a test or the one right after. If you're in a huge lecture class where the professor doesn't take attendance feel free to skip whenever you want. It's your way of getting back at your school for promising "small, intimate classes with professors who know your name." Lies, I tell you. Lies.
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Los Angeles: So I'm moving to the other side of the country for college in little over a week, but I've yet to buy anything. Should I be worried?
Streeter Seidell: You should be worried, but not about your lack of possessions. Instead, start worrying about what all the kids their will think of your ridiculous accent.
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New York, N.Y.: How is the best way to balance school and social life?
Streeter Seidell: The ideal balance is one in which you're you're a little unhappy about both. For instance, when you're out partying you should be a little concerned with the amount of schoolwork you have on your plate. When you're in class, you should be just a little hungover. It's important to find balance in life.
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20001: What is the wildest thing that ever happened in your dorm building?
Streeter Seidell: I think that's a tie between two events. One involved a mysterious occurence in the second floor girls' bathroom. One of the girls on that floor had a habit of defecating in one of the showers every weekend. Nobody ever discovered who it was but I remember hearing all the girls talk about it every Monday.
The other crazy thing I saw was my naked roommate, freshly awaken from a two day sleep and covered in Sharpie, running down the hall nude and trying to fight the kid who supposedly drew on him. Good times.
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Smalltown, Wisconsin: I really enjoy CollegeHumor and want to send you guys a cheesewheel. What's your favorite kind of cheese?
Streeter Seidell: Thanks a lot! We love cheese here. I'd say my favorites are Muenster, Brie and Swiss, but I'm always open to trying new things.
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Daytona Beach, Fla.: What's up Streeter. What is your take on joining a fraternity?
Streeter Seidell: I went to Fordham University and we didn't have frats so that option wasn't open to me. Knowing what I do about frats, they seem to be polarizing: if you're in, you love it. If you're not, you hate it. Honestly, they're probably a lot of fun but I can't really speak with much authority on that. I can however speak with authority on the origins of the cheeseburger if anyone is interested...
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Stony Brook: Has your roommate ever been found?
Streeter Seidell: I'm not sure. He disappeared on the second day of school and never came back. A few weeks later the NYPD woke us up to ask about him. A week or two after that, his father came and collected his things. We asked our RA about it and he didn;t know anything either.
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Washington, D.C.: I know this is a little off topic, but aren't you afraid of what Andy Bloom has in store for you next?
Streeter Seidell: You're referring to my on-going Prank War with my co-worker, Amir Blumenfeld. And no, I'm not really nervous about it. We have to work together every day so I'd like to think he's smart enough not to do something terrible and really make me mad. I would never cross the line between funny and cruel and I hope he wouldn't either.
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Maryland: What is your opinion on going into college with a girlfriend who is going to a different college in a different state?
Streeter Seidell: have you heard of the Turkey Dump? It takes place every Thanksgiving break when high school couples who thought they could keep it together break up. In some towns it takes place during half time of the big game.
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Shelby Twp, Mich.: This is probably a silly question, but how exactly do you know which books to buy for your classes before your prof passes out his syllabus on the first day?
Streeter Seidell: That is a silly question because only a lunatic would buy books before getting the syllabus. Keep in mind, books in college are going to run you a few hundred bucks a semester. They aren't to be lightly purchased.
Tip: Make friends with someone who works in the book store. I did this my senior year and was "allowed" to steal as many textbooks as I wanted.
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Bronx, N.Y.: How did you adjust to life in the "real world" after graduating college?
Streeter Seidell: I work at CollegeHumor.com so it was a bit easier for me than I imagine it is for the majority of people. But I've heard a good tip for adjusting to the real world is replace just replace the word 'beer' with 'coffee.' Like, "Hey, wanna grab a 'coffee.'" "I had so many 'coffees' last night." Sure, you'll be sweaty and high strung but who isn't in the real world?
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Washington, D.C.: When moving in, is it okay to pick a side of the room without waiting for your roommate? Should we discuss it beforehand? I'm having four people come with me to help me move my stuff and we're going to want to unpack right way, not wait around to pick sides.
Streeter Seidell: It's every man for himself that first day so grab what you can. You don't want to play the nice guy and get stuck on top bunk like I did all Freshman year. Seriously, top bunk is awful. Never. Ever. Take. Top. Bunk.
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Anonymous: Is it permissible to take my lolcat with me to school?
Streeter Seidell: As long as he isn't always asking your roommate if HE CAN HAS CHEEZBURGER it should be fine.
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Falls Church, Va.: Please, PLEASE speak (at great length, if possible) about the origin of the cheeseburger.
Streeter Seidell: The first true hamburger was served up my Louis Lassen in New Haven, CT in 1900. Lassen was the owner of a small lunch counter called Louis' Lunch popular with New Haven businessmen. One day a businessman came in and wanted something he could eat on the run. Lassen ground up some steak, grilled it and put it between two pieces of toast. Thus the hamburger was born. http://www.louislunch.com/
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Herndon, Va.: I go to college in a year, and some of my close friends will probably end up at the same school as me. Should I try and room with them, or will we be trying to kill each other after the first week?
Streeter Seidell: You could play it safe and room with a friend but why not roll the dice? Sure, you could end up with some lunatic who listens to speed metal and chain smokes. BUT, you just might end up with some lunatic who listens to speed metal and only smokes when he drinks. Have an adventure.
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Uppsala, Sweden: I live in Sweden and I'm thinking about applying for a foreign exchange program to the U.S. Would I be welcome? (I'm neither tall, blonde or a woman..)
Streeter Seidell: Of course you'd be welcome. By all means, come over. Invite your friends, too. Your tall, blonde, female friends.
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Middletown, Conn.: What is the best theme party you've ever been to or heard of?
Streeter Seidell: The best theme party I ever attended was a Christmas party where you either had to dress like your parents or like your parents would have dressed you as a kid.
I've also heard of Rubix Cube parties where you show up wearing six different colors (red shirt, blue pants, yellow socks, etc) and by the end of the night you need to be wearing only one (blue shirt, blue socks, etc).
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Harrisburg, Pa.: I remember my freshman year, a guy announced he's had enough. He hopped on his motorcycle and left. I thought that was so cool. Of course, he came back a week later.
Streeter Seidell: I'm surprised you remember me. I thought everyone forgot about that.
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Palo Alto, Calif.: If you could offer one piece of advice to all college girls, what would it be?
Streeter Seidell: My advice to all college girls is this: inside the sweating, overweight dude playing air guitar at the bar is a sweet, caring and funny man who will eventually lose some of that weight when he graduates and will one day end up hosting an online discussion for the Washington Post.
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Troy, Miss.: I come from a town of 834 and I am attending college in the middle of New York City. What can I expect will be the biggest change I will make?
Streeter Seidell: The biggest change will be four zeros you can add on to that population number. Another big change will be me crashing on your futon when I don't feel like taking the subway home to Brooklyn.
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Friday Harbor, Wash.: Is college life really as fun as it seems in all the pictures and videos on CollegeHumor?
Streeter Seidell: I don't know. I got hired here right out of high school.
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Streeter Seidell: Well that's it for me. Thanks so much for all your questions and I hope the staff of interns I had answering them did a good job. And hey, swing by CollegeHumor.com next time you're studying and take a look at all the fun you aren't having.
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