Washington Sketch

Post columnist Dana Milbank, who serves as the capital's foremost critic of political theater in his Washington Sketch columns and videos, was online Thursday, May 15 at noon ET to take your questions and comments about the things politicians say -- and the absurd ways they find to say them.

The transcript follows.

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Dana Milbank: Good afternoon, dear readers.

House Republicans yesterday unveiled their new slogan, "The Change You Deserve," which just happens to be the trademark slogan of Effexor, an antidepressant. Maybe the GOP is onto something. Here are some more potential drug marketing phrases for others.

For Hillary Clinton, I prescribe the anesthetic EMLA: "Numbs the pain."

For Obama, I recommend the asthma inhaler Easi-Breathe: "Simple change -- big difference."

For the Democratic Party, I prescribe Elastoplast: "Life happens. Elastoplast helps to heal."

For John McCain, I recommend Encaprin. "When arthritis pain says you can't, new Encaprin says you can."

And for our beleaguered president, I recommend the primrose oil (Efamol): "Feel special."

What ails you today, dear reader?

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Tolland, Conn.: Hi Dana. I heard a clip from Bush's speech in Israel yesterday, where he said essentially that we'll stand by Israel despite the craven opinions of "international elites." That's a new term for me -- I know in the U.S. "elites" means people who are smart, don't own a gun or drink beer, and drive to Starbucks in their Volvos, but how about these international elites? Is this a code word for the French?

Dana Milbank: Yes. The president used to call these the "intercontinental" people, if you'll recall the insult he delivered to NBC's David Gregory when he attempted, while in France, to ask the French president a question in French.

The president no longer picks on Gregory much, though. I think he gave this up, along with golf, as a wartime sacrifice.

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Washington: Hi Dana -- love your snark, but I am also a Clinton supporter so I must respectfully ask you to direct it elsewhere! Am I correct in assuming that you quoted copiously from the "Dead Parrot" sketch from memory?

Dana Milbank: I attempt to direct the snark in all directions. The Post's political editor wants me on full-time Clinton watch until she ends it, so she may get a disproportionate amount, but there are other things to attend to -- such as Bob "Cool Whip" Barr for president, and the House Republicans.

I did the best I could on the "Dead Parrot" routine, and was able to find the rest through the Google while perusing the Internets.

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The Doctor Is In: I noticed you didn't prescribe any medicine for Vice President Cheney. Is that because he only dispenses, never takes?

Dana Milbank: Good point. For Cheney, I'm going with the cholera drug Dukoral: "Protect against the hidden threat."

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Drug slogans: If either party starts quoting Cialis ads, I'm moving to a monastery.

Dana Milbank: When a tender moment turns into the right moment, the Democrats will be ready.

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Pharmaceuticals: I am sorry that you failed to work "Viva Viagra" into your fine list of drug recommendations. Since Mr. Spitzer no longer is available as a spokesperson, perhaps there is one available to champion their product.

Dana Milbank: Eliot Spitzer: "Let the dance begin."

Or, Spitzer: "Powerful performance when you want it."

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Column material: One way to save on government expenditures: Have both candidates pick Jim Webb for veep. He balances McCain's age and Obama's ivory-tower image. Half the Secret Service costs -- and imagine the vice presidential debate!

Dana Milbank: Jim Webb: A whole new kind of heartburn relief.

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Falls Church, Va.: Dana, you know too much about drugs. I don't know if that's a good thing.

Dana Milbank: It must be because I started taking Lipitor this week. It has given me "Power. Evidence. Confidence."

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Palo Alto, Calif.: Some out there accuse you of not supporting the president or the troops. I think they're right -- for instance, I have pictures of you playing golf at Rock Creek Park this past Saturday.

Dana Milbank: But I was wearing a flag pin on my lapel.

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Arlington, Va.: Dana, you do a great job of pointing out the ridiculous things that can happen in politics, but do you feel any guilt when they make it this easy for you? Like the guy who is fishing and has a fish jump into the boat?

Dana Milbank: Indeed, Arlington, there is an embarrassment of riches. The only difficulty, as our friends at Eli Lilly say, I how to "choose the moment."

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Trojan condoms: Protection you trust.

Dana Milbank: Already taken, by Michael Chertoff.

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I've read on this site the rum is good there...: Given the events of the past week or so, how do you rate your chances of "the boss" sending you to Puerto Rico in the next couple of weeks?

Dana Milbank: I am afraid the e-mail campaign last week was a bit weak, and my editor, Bill Hamilton, continues to refuse to send me to Puerto Rico. Please keep the pressure on him: hamiltonb@washpost.com.

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Bethesda, Md.: Love today's column -- but how could you leave out the "brain zaps"?! That's the most noteworthy side effect! (Not to belittle the seriousness for anyone out there who suffers them, but come on, it does sound funny.)

washingtonpost.com: Agitated? Irritable? Hostile? Aggressive? Impulsive? Restless? (Post, May 15)

Dana Milbank: You're right, Bethesda. Here's what the Internets say on this one:

"Brain zaps, brain shivers or electrical shocks are a fairly common symptom from all antidepressants, but also can occur with benzodiazepines and sleeping pills. The symptoms are described as brief but repeated electric shock-like sensations in the brain and head, or originating in the brain but extending to other parts of the body. Sometimes it is accompanied by disorientation, tinnitus, vertigo and lightheadedness."

Vote Republican: Because This Country Needs a Brain Zap?

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McBee S.C.: Any good drug ad slogans for John Edwards? Got to admire the huevos for a guy who finally comes out Candidate A just seconds before the referee counts hits "10" for Candidate B, lying on the canvass.

Dana Milbank: Yes, for that Profile in Calculation, I'm prescribing some Ex-Lax Benefiber for Edwards. Because "the choice is clear."

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Nashville, Tenn.: Mr. Milbank, if you don't mind me saying so you in the media seem to have a very short memory span -- even shorter that Alzheimer's patients. For example the media is currently alive with reports that Sen. McCain is promising the U.S. can be out of Iraq in four years. Yet these articles contain not a mention of Bush's statement a month ago that we could be there for 50 years, which was amplified by Sen. McCain saying that he would support a military presence for 100 years. You can't expect the public to take a media with these deficiencies seriously can you?

Dana Milbank: I forgot all about that, Tennessee, but of course you are right. That's why I'm putting the press corps on a course of Aricept: "Medicine to remember."

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Holy Grail: Your piece yesterday was classic -- have you read all the negative comments saying you were really just a cog in the vast mainstream media conspiracy against Sen. Clinton? I thought it was well-written humor, in context.

washingtonpost.com: This Is an Ex-Candidate (Post, May 14)

Dana Milbank: I'm afraid I am generally unable to bring myself to read the comments. I attribute this to adult-onset attention deficit disorder. This is why, as soon as this chat ends, I'm picking up some Strattera.

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Minnesota: Regarding your ex-candidate article, how surreal was it to watch Sen. Clinton do photo ops in front of nonaudiences? Perhaps I am just an outside-the-Beltway country bumpkin, but the thought of a candidate smiling and waving to imaginary supporters weirds me out a little. Is that common?

Dana Milbank: Quite common. Bush does it all the time -- waving to the photographers as if he's greeting a campaign rally. What was unique about the Clinton arrival in West Virginia was how she singled out one woman in the crowd with a special wave, indicating how surprised and delighted she was to see her. The woman was a press aide who had just been with Clinton on the flight from Washington. She waved back, dutifully.

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Chicago: If John McCain loses in November, will he start doing Viagra or Cialis commercials?

Dana Milbank: I'm betting on Midol: "Helps it all go away."

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Ocala, Fla.: On the other hand, if the Republicans can claim to cause erections that last more than four hours, they could find that their chances are outstanding.

Dana Milbank: I think this means we have reached the end of our chat.

I'll be back next week, and until then, as the makers of Ambien say, "Restful nights, refreshed awakenings."

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