Gene Weingarten's humor column, Below the Beltway, appears every Sunday in The Washington Post magazine. It is syndicated nationally by the Washington Post Writers Group.

At one time or another, Below the Beltway has managed to offend persons of both sexes as well as individuals belonging to every religious, ethnic, regional, political and socioeconomic group. If you know of a group we have missed, please write in and the situation will be promptly rectified. "Rectified" is a funny word.

On Tuesdays at noon, Weingarten is online to take your questions and abuse. He will chat about anything. Although this chat is updated regularly throughout the week, it is not and never will be a "blog," even though many persons keep making that mistake. One reason for the confusion is the Underpants Paradox: Blogs, like underpants, contain "threads," whereas this chat contains no "threads" but, like underpants, does sometimes get funky and inexcusable.

This Week's Poll: Door 1: MEN | Door 2: WOMEN

Not chat day? Visit the Gene Pool.

Important, secret note to readers: The management of The Washington Post apparently does not know this chat exists, or it would have been shut down long ago. Please do not tell them. Thank you.

Weingarten is also the author of "The Hypochondriac's Guide to Life. And Death" and co-author of "I'm with Stupid," with feminist scholar Gina Barreca.

New to Chatological Humor? Read the FAQ.

P.S. If composing your questions in Microsoft Word please turn off the Smart Quotes functionality. I haven't the time to edit them out. -- Liz

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Gene Weingarten: Good afternoon.

Jef Mallett, creator of Frazz, e-mailed me yesterday after he returned from The National Cartoonists Conference in New Orleans. During the conference, he said, a whole bunch of cartoonists went off to help build a house in the city, as part of a Habitat for Humanity project. I asked him to draw a cartoon of what a house would look like if it was built by cartoonists. Here is Jeff's drawing, along with his commentary.

What I learned from this experience:

1. Cartoonists cannot hold hammers. You've never seen so many people choke up so high on a hammer.

2. What's black and white and red all over? A Scottish-Norwegian cartoonist messing with tar paper shingles all day in the sun. Heehaw. Trust me on this one.

3. When cartoonists hammer their thumbs, what they say isn't really spelled "##%!!*."

4. Whatever you think you know about the devastation down there, you don't have a clue. And it's almost three years.

What I learned from drawing the two cartoon characters in this picture:

1. Rosie the Riveter seems to be giving us all the "up yours" gesture. I never quite noticed that.

2. I am apparently one shopping trip to Williams-Sonoma away from being as gay as a Mardi Gras float. This, too, was a big surprise.

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One of the posts for this week's chat raises an interesting issue: Why do we in the U.S. call ourselves "Americans," and expect exclusivity, when Canadians and South Americans have an equal right to do so? How arrogant is that? Should we not come up with another term? The poster proposes "United Statesian," which parallels the term in Spanish, "estadounidense." The problem with this, as is or should be quite obvious, is that unlike the Spanish equivalent, which rolls right off the tongue, "United Statesian" is most unlovely. It'll never catch on.

To me, the difference between "America" and "United States" parallels the difference between faith and secularism. The first term is filled with emotion and illogic. The second term is logical if stiff.

So, does anyone have any ideas better than "United Statesian"? I propose "Yankee."

Yeah, I know. Sue me.

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I have retrieved from my CLOD hopper this morning this here clip, which is one of the greatest CLODs in the history of CLODdom, from Mr. Show, one of the best sketch comedy shows ever. It is David Cross doing a "pre-taped call in show." The nuances of this, the complexity of the humor, is breathtaking. I had to watch it twice to fully get it.

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You may recall that we reached an impasse last week over whether, in the Hunt video, Tom the Butcher had mispronounced Teddy Roosevelt's name. Tom pronounced it "Ruse-e-velt," and a reader made fun of him. I, of course, piled on, always happy to humiliate Tom. Then two readers independently suggested that while FDR pronounced his name ROSE-velt, Teddy had, indeed, pronounced it as Tom had. A discussion ensued. No satisfactory resolution was had. It seemed as though this was likely to be debated forever, unresolved and and unresolvable.

But a poster has resolved it! Indisputably, as contained in this here campaign pin for Mr. Teddy Rose-velt.

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Please take today's quickie poll: Door 1: MEN | Door 2: WOMEN

The Comic Pick of the week is Sunday's Opus. First Runner Up is Friday's Brewster Rockit. Honorables: Sunday's Orange, Sunday's Pickles, Saturday's Frazz, Friday's Brevity.

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Poll: What the hell is "one-sheeted" bedding?

Gene Weingarten: Mattress, sheet, blanket and/or comforter and/or beadspread. Favored by many men, including me. Rib puts two sheets down, I sleep upon the top one.

Gene Weingarten: She sleeps between em.

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New York, N.Y.: The Gene Pool is not funny because you're posters are not funny. They don't understand irony, and thus your questions are just an excuse to post political rantings (both libs and neocons).

Now, I know that you may already be aware of this. But, I suspect that you are ignoring this hoping we don't notice and thus allow the Gene Pool to continue. Quit it. We can see it's not as good as the stuff a Pulitzer prize-winning humor writer can turn out. Oh, wait... maybe you want us to see that...

Gene Weingarten: Wrong.

The Gene Pool is more anarchic that Chat Humor, because there is no editing. Some posts are, indeed, mirthless political rants that don't get the point.

But throughout are gems of comedy. For example, the current challenge is to come up with ironically apt comeuppances for well-known people. One person suggests that I be lobotomized in a rare bumper-tap car explosion. Another, that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad publicly correct George Bush on the pronunciation of "nuclear."

And:
In early 2009, many members of the Bush administration find that their names are now on the No Fly list, interfering with their new jobs lobbying for the Mideast oil companies. How terribly inconvenient for them! Nothing an extra body cavity search or three won't clear up.

And:
realizes that he is being followed everywhere by a faintly glowing, unearthly being with massive wings. No one else can see this being. No matter what Christopher Hitchens does or where he goes, he cannot escape its serene and unyielding gaze.

Finally Hitchens snaps, grabs a gun, and blasts away at his follower, screaming, "There are no such things as angels!!" The bullets, of course, pass right through the angel, and strike a human being -- Osama bin Laden, who was en route to blowing up the Golden Gate Bridge and raping the entire Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

Hitchens is hailed as a great American hero, but he cannot explain what happened. And whenever anyone says "it was the will of God!," he lets out a soft, painful whimper.

And:

Danica Patrick keeps losing race after race, until the only sponsors she can attract are feminine products. Her car ends up being plastered with large, bold letters saying TAMPAX and VAGISIL and MASSENGILL DOUCHES.

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Buyout and Invitational: Holy Cow! That offer would be very difficult to turn down. I thank you, and take it as a personal favor, that you did not accept. Hope it never comes back to bite you.

The possible/impending demise of the Invitational is just one more shove into the maelstrom of innocuous homogeneity -- no wonder newspapers lose readers -- the basic info is on TV ad nauseam -- takes something special to keep us coming back.

Throughout my working career, I worked for printers (not publishers) of magazines. In my early years, I was involved in the printing of New York Magazine where I discovered the Competition and Mary Ann Madden. Many years later when The Post started SI, it was like finding an old friend. In recent years when Ms. Madden announced her retirement, I knew my days were also numbered and now this -- may positively polish me off.

FWIW -- I am 71 and I too, heart you.

Gene Weingarten: Several people have expressed similar thoughts about the Invitational, and asked whom to express them to. I think in this moment of turmoil, the best person is Deborah Howell, the ombudslady: Ombudsman@washpost.com. She is good about sharing grass-roots groundswells with the powers that bee.

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Dilem, MA : We have a dog problem. Or maybe it's a neighbor problem....

When we bought our house our neighbor had one dog a medium sized black thing of indeterminate genetic origin. People would walk past the house and he'd come over, one quick "woof" and that would be it.

Then the neighbor got a second rescue dog, some kind of terrier -- it barked a lot, but we thought he would calm down in a few weeks or a couple of months. This has gone on for 18 months now. We call every time his barking wakes us, or is so loud my wife can't work. This dog has never been trained, scares the local children and is outside a lot. The neighbor is a nice lady, but completely useless at dog control -- she bought a muzzle for the dog, which to my way of thinking is fixing the symptom not the problem.

We're putting in a patio in our back yard and this dog's barking will be a major pain if we're using it. So we're thinking of getting a couple of the ultrasonic dog barking controllers. They emit a high frequency sound only dogs can hear when the dogs bark. The idea being that the sounds is uncomfortable for them and they learn associate the discomfort with barking and stop.

My question: is this ethical? Our neighbor has done nothing about the barking, and it effects not only use, but everyone who walks past the house (it's right next to a path).

I welcome your input.

Gene Weingarten: Boy, this is interesting. You are asking if it is your right to cause your neighbor's dog discomfort/pain.

Probably, if your neighbor is causing a nuisance and doing nothing about it. I would talk to him first. I would say you are thinking about doing that, and wanted to alert him and discuss it.

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T-shirt winner?: Anybody, or was everybody too banal?

Gene Weingarten: This is re: the Gene Pool.

I am going to give it a week, and decide tomorrow.

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Southern, ER: Instead of Yankee, why not "Confederate" to honor the Articles of Confederation. That way you'll only p!ss off the northeastern liberal elite (who won't care) instead of the entire backwoods, hay-chewin', conservative south.

Gene Weingarten: When we sang "The Yanks are comin" in "Over There," we were not referring only to northerners.

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Columbia, S.C.: We call ourselves Americans because we have "America" in our name. Canada, Mexico, and every other country in the Americas does not. How is it "arrogant" to call ourselves that when it is a distinction that has been made in the English language for centuries?

Gene Weingarten: This doesn't seem dispositive to me, at all.

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Chicago, Ill.: After I went through the women's door I was curious to see what was the opposite sex equivalent of hairy/hairless, so I snuck through the men's door. I found out that my preferences coincide with the men's almost exactly, which shouldn't be that big a surprise since I do physics and have much in common with male nerds. But even in the little things I find I am a man! Red wine? A newish house? Is this a coincidence or do you have some gender hypothesis you are following?

Also, going back to the male preference about women I don't understand why they would prefer small-bosomed to large. I am that and always felt a little inadequate. What are the advantages of it, even? Is the feeling common?

Gene Weingarten: Speaking only for myself, when I look appreciatevely 'pun the body of a woman, I am (perversely) thinking long-term, as though this is the person I want to live with forever and ever and ever and make babies with and thus such. It is simply an inextricable if illogical part of the Dawrwinist impulse.

So I think 20 years hence. Even if this is a woman on the metro whom I will never see again.

I am not saying that I find the long-term effects of gravity on mega-breasts to be at ALL unattractive. It's plenty attractive. It's just LESS attractive than the opposite of long-term effects of gravity upon smaller breasts.

I believe I am speaking for all men who choose "smaller."

I think the guys are with me here.

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Rockville, Md.: Gene:

Here is a question you are very qualified to answer. As evidenced by recent chats, you have shown an interest in the subject matter.

To wit: Who was the first MILF?

By this, I don't necessarily mean an actual person, but more of an archetype, a woman that put into our collective consciousness that a woman could be married and have a child, and still be hot. Also, the term MILF doesn't go back that far, but the concept must have been planted before the term became widely known. And, one more thing to consider -- a woman of 40 or 50 years old today is equivalent to a woman of 20 or 30 years old back in the '50s or '60s. June Cleaver may have only been in her mid-30s, but she was done. She had the house and the kids were growing up, and that was going to be it for her until the grandkids came along. So if we go back far enough, a MILF would be far younger than one today.

So, I thought about it some. To be an archetype, she would have to be someone famous enough (i.e. be seen often enough) to let the entire country know her. I first thought about actual women. Looking back, there were not that many women who might be well known enough, and none of them qualified. For example, Jackie Kennedy was well known, had kids, and was beautiful, but she was hardly a MILF. Beautiful, but not hot. More like a Hummel figurine, really.

So that left TV and movie actresses. However, the studios were careful to keep the roles and the actors separate, so except for some staged publicity shots, we rarely saw hot actresses with their kids. (Possible exception -- Jayne Mansfield).

Eliminating all the real women left me with fictional characters. Again, most movie roles were not seen often enough to plant the concept in the collective, and I couldn't think of any iconic "hot woman with a kid" roles. Maybe you can.

So that leaves television. Most of the early TV mom roles showed them with kids, but never hot. Let's face it. Most men would not consider Lucy, or June Cleaver hot. Even if there was a character you might consider to be hot (Donna Reed, maybe) they would never be shown performing anything more sexual than a quick kiss.

But, there was one exception. In the '60s, there was one role which showed a woman who was beautiful, had a child, and was allowed to be sexy. So, I propose to you that the first MILF was Laura Petrie.

What say you?

Gene Weingarten: Laura Petri is an excellent example. But she was not the first.

The first Milf was Frances Folsom, the first wife of Grover Cleveland.

Frances was a child when Cleveland first met her -- daughter of his law partner -- and he married her when he was an old walrus president of 49 and she was 22. She was an uncommon beauty of her times, considered the loveliest first lady ever to that date, and officially became a Milf at the age of 27, with the birth of the couple's Baby Ruth.

Gene Weingarten: Er, first and ONLY wife of Cleveland.

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One-sheet bedding: I still don't get it about the one-sheet bedding. Does The Rib put down a fitted sheet and then TWO regular sheets on top of it? I've never heard of that.

Gene Weingarten: Nope, fitted, and then one sheet. she sleeps between the two sheets. I sleep atop the top sheet. Yeah, its weird.

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Daily Dose of ScarJo: I just had to share this with you, Gene, because I love you best of all.

washingtonpost.com: No, no -- this one is much better.

Gene Weingarten: Nice c-block, c-woman.

Gad.

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Calgary, Alberta, Canada: I was the third guy to take the poll. It was a fun poll, but I would like to voice my displeasure that hockey was not an option for the sports question.

Currently foreplay is rated "Good" by 100 percent of responders. Be interesting to see if that one gets below even 90 percent.

Also, high five on the small boobs! Although frankly I think boobs are just fantastic in general.

The only other really important issue I think is the dog question, and it is my opinion that if your dog is not at least big enough to take on a jackrabbit and able to withstand a hearty side-slap from you without flying across the room, you should reassess your priorities in life.

Uh, hopefully everybody knows what I mean by the side slap thing. I think Dave Barry wrote a column on this once.

Gene Weingarten: It's not a slap, its a round, resonant thump, and I know EXACTLY what you mean. One of my greater moments was watching a British band named The Bevis Frond play their own music in the living room of Tom Rapp, a lawyer who used to be the front man and songwriter for the 60s band Pearls Before Swine.

The Frond had no drum with them so they had to improvise on the big ol family dog. It worked great.

I still have that tape recording somewhere. The dog drum works delightfully.

Liz, can you find The Lawyer's Song? About 1998?

washingtonpost.com: The Lawyer's Song, (Post, May 17, 1998)

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What to call, US: I once worked with a bunch of anthropologists, which is whole story unto itself. During every meeting, one of them would loudly correct the others whenever they used "Americans" to "U.S. Americans", but never managed to get it to catch on. If you can't get the anthros, who love new terminology, to use your catch phrase there's no way you're getting anyone else to use it.

Gene Weingarten: U.S.Americans is what that idiot beauty contest winner kept saying in that viral video of her brain meltdown.

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PSA: To the 73 women who don't like foreplay: um, I think you must be doing it wrong.

Gene Weingarten: I would ask them to speak up. Dis, I don't get, as Jackie Mason would say.

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Gene Weingarten: Actually, I misquote Jackie: "Dis, I never hoid."

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Extra, IN: Is it possible for a pitcher from the home team to record a save in a game that goes into extra innings?

Gene Weingarten: I see no way. He either wins or loses. Am I wrong?

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Breathed: Gene,

So, what exactly is wrong with Berkeley Breathed, if anything? The past two strips have talked about how much pain he's in. How can he even work? Is someone else inking his strips?

washingtonpost.com: Opus: May 18 | May 25

Gene Weingarten: Berkeley is suffering from spastic torticollis, which is narsty, though not life threatening.

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Menomonie, Wis.:

I'm actually double-screening with you and Mr. Kurtz today. What'd I'd like to know is you can get 10 responses in the time it takes Mr. Kurtz to do one. Is your real name Clark Kent?

Gene Weingarten: I answer a LOT in advance and spread them through the chat. No one is faster than Kurtz at anything. Unfortunately for Mrs. Kurtz.

Hahaha.

A little Kurtz humor, there.

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Baltimore, Md.: Dear Gene --

It's your old friend and colleague Tim Page offering distant congratulations for your accomplishment last week.

You have come up with the essential metaphor for Washington 2008 -- it's the city where everybody who is anybody waits, wonders and debates whether or not Tim Russert did or did not break wind on television.

You are the Henry Adams of our time!

Tim

Gene Weingarten: Indeed. Thank you.

Those who disparage The Gene Pool missed out on this splendid affair last week?

Liz, can we link to the did-he or did-he debate?

washingtonpost.com: Urgent Breaking (Wind) News, (The Gene Pool)

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Washington, D.C.: Gene -- I know you are done talking about the Hunt, but I wanted to address a problem with the President Race question. My team came up with the answer of 101, which was incorrect but was listed as an option on the clue page (leading us to believe we were correct.)

Here's how we got it: we saw the Buck won the race. Thinking in change, a dollar is one hundred cents....so, "one hundred WON." Which is the same as 101. We got the other clues correct, and had we not been thrown off by the wrong answer on this one would have been the winners of the race, I'm sure.

Gene Weingarten: Your problem is that you ignored Hank's final line every single time: "Finishing IN THE MONEY are the buck, Linc, and Wash." We did that specifically so you couldn't think as you did.

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Anthropologi, ST: I am an anthropologist. On the Anthro-L listserve we use USAian.

Gene Weingarten: USAer would be more millifluous, no?

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Victomless Cri, ME: I understand that people can be very sensitive on the drunk driving crime, but comparing it to shooting a gun in a crowd? Come on. People, driving while drunk is one way to not concentrate on the task at hand. So is texting, talking on your cell phone, rummaging around the glove compartment, and driving while you know you are exhausted. I'm not advocating getting rid of drunk driving laws - actually, I think sentences for REPEAT offenders should be even stricter (these people found out what their tolerance level is, and are ignoring it). But really, you have to look at intent here. A person shooting into a crowd is intending to scare people, and possibly kill someone. A person driving drunk is intending to drive home.

Gene Weingarten: To me, within reason, intent is everything.

Gene Weingarten: My point was, and continues to be, that people have different tolerances for alcohol. I'm for DUI laws; you need to establish some tolerances and enforce them. But they are arbitrary.

I can drive safely with some alcohol in me. I am well aware that any time I choose to do so, I am accepting a grave responsibility.

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Mens Wear Dept, Tysons Corner: This is a question for Liz:

Taking into account their gender differences, who has a nicer chest: ScarJo or Daniel Craig? And don't you need to post a Daniel Craig picture so that people can compare and see for themselves?

washingtonpost.com: Well, they're both kind of perfect examples of the best of each gender, no?

Gene Weingarten: I think we need examples, Liz.

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Secrets of the poll questi, ON: Okay, the secret question has to be bedding. "Two-sheeted"? You mean a fitted sheet and a flat sheet, right? Or a top and a bottom sheet, anyway, not two top sheets IN ADDITION TO a bottom sheet, which would just be crazy. A "one-sheeter" surely sleeps wrapped in the sheet, not unlike a human taco or burrito, and not directly on the mattress (eww!), right? RIGHT?

(Sorry for the hysteria. Blame it on post-Hunt stress disorder.)

Gene Weingarten: No, a one sheeter, like me, sleeps between a sheet and whatever is above the sheet -- comforter, blanket, etc. The fact that there are one-sheeters seems to be surprising a lot of people.

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Washington, D.C.: Gene - FWIW, I couldn't answer several of the poll questions. I don't like EITHER the Beatles or the Stones; I don't eat ice cream and wouldn't choose either choco chip or mint choco chip if I did; my hair is wavy -- neither curly nor straight; etc.

Gene Weingarten: I warned you people not to whine.

But: As to the curly wavy thing, please note that like all of these poll questions, you were being asked not to describe your current circumstances, but to describe your personal preference. I don't care if your hair is wavy. What kind of hair do you like in others, or on yourself?

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Washington, D.C.: On the topic of curly hair: I was rather dismayed although not entirely surprised to see the overwhelming number of men who prefer straight hair. Although as a woman I answered that question based on the kind of hair I have (not what my preference is), I assume the men answered based on what they prefer on women.

I have naturally curly hair (think Juliana Margulies) that I have been straightening for the past eight years or so. I generally prefer the way I look with straight hair, I have always gotten more attention from men when I have straight hair, but I am sick of the upkeep and the denial of my real self, so I have recently decided to go back to curly. My friends all ooh and ahh over the curls, but the cold hard truth (which is confirmed by your survey) is that men do not like curly hair. And while it's not all about them, I would like to be attractive to the opposite sex. I have no question, I guess. It just makes me sad.

Gene Weingarten: I like nice-smelling hair.

I am indifferent to the topology.

The Rib's is hair is entirely parallel lines. I really like it.

Pat the Perfect's hair is kinky, almost African. I really like it.

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Chicago, Ill.: I will concede that, at the height and weight you have divulged, you are not fat.

However, YOU must concede that the way you dress and the way you carry yourself give off the impression of a "fat slob."

The fact that so many people think/thought you were fat is telling. I have never seen you in person. But the image of you in my head (based on pictures and Post.com videos) has always been that of a schlumpy, overweight man. I suspect this is the case for many others.

The solution? Let Liz take you shopping one day. She seems to have a good grasp on men's fashions of today. Of course, I don't expect you to change your ways, as you have stated more than once that you are more than OK with your appearance. But just buy one new outfit, take a pic, and let us judge.

washingtonpost.com: I'm game...

Gene Weingarten: Okay. We'll start with pleated pants.

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Washington, DC: Gene--your new position on pregnant interviewees is a total cop-out. You've basically said tell when the interview has no choice to let the information affect the decision. This allows the interviewee to pretend she did the ethical thing. Either the information is important enough that the interviewer should have it before hiring or it's not important enough for the interviewee to reveal prior to hiring. You can't have it both ways. I speak as a woman who has been pregnant and who has a chronic, disabling, expensive auto-immune disease and always reveals this information before a job offer.

Gene Weingarten: First, I think your chronic, expensive condition presents a whole different ethical test than pregnancy does.

Also, you are mischaracterizing my position. I am saying the woman should inform her prospective employer of her pregnancy after thejob offer is made and before she accepts. It opens a dialogue after which both persons are better informed, though, legally, she has the right to accept and he doesn't have the right to withdraw. But it gives two reasonable people the opportunity to be reasonable with each other.

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washingtonpost.com: Daniel Craig | Scarlett Johannson

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Unco,LA: I just took this week's survey and I am the first and so far only to prefer 7-Up to Coke (21-1). What gives? Coke is overly sweet, fattening, leaves a nasty aftertaste and has chemicals galore. 7-up, while not exactly mother's milk, is without caffeine, has fewer calories, has a lighter taste and just tastes better. What am I missing?

For background, I'm one of the guys who chose "carbonated beverages" for the think I could not give up - I'm a sodaholic. I'm probably as close to a connoisseur of soft drinks as exists. And I haven't been able to drink Coke for the better part of a decade.

Otherwise, I seem more or less like a normal guy. I'm thrilled that my penchant for small boobs is shared by more than I'd have expected.

Gene Weingarten: By me, too. And I'm with you on the sodas as well. My taste in sodas and my taste in ice cream have similarly migrated over the years. I was safely a coke man and a chocolate man until my mid thirties, when I moved inexorably blanders.

I now love a good vanilla and 7-Up. Cream soda. Mint chococlate chip. Cannot explain it.

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Oversensitive: The Oversensitive post in your update really hit home for me. Without going into the entire back story (but it is a good one) my brother is this kind of person. But he knows it. He understands that emotion runs his life. He understands that he feels everything more than anyone else. He also understands that it is the very reason he owns nothing, does not have a home or a girlfriend or a job and is a (in his own words) 'career criminal'. He has alienated everyone in the family by taking small things that shouldn't even be upsetting and making them 'shut out of my life' offenses. He knows that he is different from everyone else. Every time I speak with him I have to watch what I say so that, as the lone member of the family allowed to continue speaking with him, that he doesn't lose me as well.

I've long believed that this is a chemical imbalance, not a personality trait. Though there is no way of proving that or fixing it. But I do wish I had advice for the poster. I also wish they had advice for me. Anyone else out there with sage words?

Gene Weingarten: And the hell of it is, it's self-fulfilling. The more he becomes like this, the more times he gets insulted because of preposterously thin skin, the more disagreeable he comes, ergo more worthy of genuine insults.

I'd love to write a story about such people.

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Near Rethymno, Crete: Why weren't there choices for "none of the above?" For example, baseball vs. football -- I couldn't care less about either one, but I like hockey. Also, pro sports vs. amateur. Pro - meh; amateur (e.g., youth), OK.

Also, Coke vs. Pepsi is a definite "neither" for me, but I wasn't given that choice. I feel slighted.

And what about stick vs. automatic for cars?

Gene Weingarten: I know the answer to the last one. You are auto addicts.

As for the others, you wanted fast. Black. White. Either. Or. I. promised. staccato. speed.

Stop whining.

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Quiz suprised: Crisp veggies and foreplay for the win!

Gene Weingarten: Indeed.

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Stavanger, Norway: Is this the most depressing news story you've ever heard?

washingtonpost.com: Hmm, here's an article that says barefoot is the way to go.

Gene Weingarten: I discount entirely the first story because it perpetuates the myth that tetanus is connected to rust.

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Fred from New Orleans: Gene,

What are you going to do about the Gene Pool? Looking at yesterday's offerings, it is obvious that the plurality of posters believe that irony means abusive personal attacks implying or promoting "termination with extreme prejudice." There were a few good ones such as Willie Nelson and the corn crops, Jet Blue toilet seats and you being reincarnated as a car bumper. The butterfly ballot one was pretty good also. As much as I like some of the topics you present, the dreck attached to them is...uh... dreck!

Fred

BTW, It is ironic that you spelled dessert as desert! I sort of think that you did this on purpose!

Gene Weingarten: Well, you have just stated the POINT, Fred. You have to read it selectively, and you will find excellence.

Are you ready for this last bit, Fred? You won't like it.

The correct expression IS "Just Deserts." A "desert" is something one "deserves." Sometimes one deserves dessert, but that is a whole nother matter.

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Amightywi, ND: So did anybody hear from Russert? Did he defend himself?

Gene Weingarten: I have not heard from Russert.

Ergo, he dealt it.

Of course he dealt it. There really is no argument. The hilarious nature of this whole thing is the way people in Washington loved to debate it. I also love that the website labels it's scoop EXCLUSIVE.

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Bronx, N.Y,: We're all Yankees. Sounds good to me.

Gene Weingarten: Right!

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Jake E. Poo, MO: Yeah for the hairless men, I knew I couldn't be the only one that prefers a smooth chest, not to mention the lack of hair burn.

Gene Weingarten: Hair burn?

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Anti-Apto,NM: We all know what aptonyms are. So what's the word for someone who's name and job are at odds? The vegetarian named Butcher, or the skinhead named Friend, or the boxer named Love?

Ironynyms doesn't roll off the tongue.

Gene Weingarten: Inaptonym. Duh.

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Large and small dogs: What do you consider the cutoff point between small and large? What about a beagle? They're mediumish.

Gene Weingarten: A beagle is a small dog!!!

Gad.

Biggish starts at 50 pounds.

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As a hypochondriac....: You'll enjoy this. 8 Medical Terms Your Doctor Uses to Insult You.

Gene Weingarten: These are great. I knew many of them.

Alert: Some dirty words are printed here. Might not be safe for work.

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Columbia, S.C.: Me again. OK, so why is it arrogant? I have never met a Canadian or South American who has had a problem with the use of "American" in English as designating a person from the United States of America. In Spanish, "americano" can have a wider meaning, but even my Spanish-speaking friends use "americano" instead of the "estadounidense" construction. By the way, living in the South, I never use "Yankee" because I usually hear it used pejoratively down here. As a Bronx Bomber fan, I'm sure you'd love for Americans to all be known as Yankees, but it ain't happening. "America" is in the name of our country, so it is entirely appropriate to call ourselves "Americans."

Gene Weingarten: It is arrogant because it allows me to raise a provocative question in a chat, and to suggest that Yankees is a better name.

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Aw, Sheet: Gene Weingarten: Mattress, sheet, blanket and/or comforter and/or beadspread. Favored by many men, including me. Rib puts two sheets down, I sleep upon the top one.

Gene Weingarten: She sleeps between em.

That is a fantastic method of birth control!!!

Gene Weingarten: Yeah, if the positions were immutable.

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Ergo, he dealt it.: What evidence do we have that he smelt it?

Gene Weingarten: Our main evidence that he dealt it is that what he is saying makes no sense. He is completely discombobulated. The effort to hold it in closed down his brain.

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New York, N.Y.: I noticed that the bosom size question in the men's poll is replaced by a male body hair question in the women's poll.

I know this isn't a 1-1 comparison but was there any consideration for a penis size question? Or is that just a stupid question to ask? Do any women actually PREFER a small penis? Are we even allowed to talk about this?

I know breast size and body hair are aesthetic while penis size is a physical thing. I'm not trying to make an equal comparison between the questions, I'm just putting the penis question on the table, so to speak.

P.S. If I were a woman I'd want to vote for something between hairy and hairless, but I guess the point of the poll is to force a decision.

Gene Weingarten: That is the point of the poll, yes.

Liz and I considered penis size, but though that the nature of this poll would skew the answers -- that if the answers were Large and Small, or Largish and Smallish, very few women would opt for the latters.

You'd need a broader continuum, with greater extremes, to begin to see a revolt against size.

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Mint? Bah!: The only place mint belongs is in Greek food and mojitos.

Not even in toothpaste and certainly NOT in ice cream.

Gene Weingarten: Anybody with me in my revulsion agains the taste of a mojito? It's a craze to satisfy the tastes of people who former, as children, liked rum and coke.

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Washington, D.C.: I am absolutely amazed at the huge preference for straight hair! I am a woman. My hair is totally straight, with no curl and no body whatsoever. I have always considered that a bad thing, as it really limits the styles I can wear. Yet apparently this is what everyone wants! I guess the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.

Gene Weingarten: I think the person I know with the best hair is my daughter. It's a reddish brunette, very lush, with a strong natural wave. I have no idea why men in particular are lusting for straight hair.

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Than, KS: Thank you for NOT taking the buyout. But with all those empty desks at The Post now, isn't there room for Terry Shine?

Gene Weingarten: This man can write.

Gene Weingarten: Reminder: He is chatting about this piece right after this chat ends.

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Re-Save: The Hometeam pitcher cannot get a save in extra innings, but the visiting pitcher can.

Pretty simple.

Gene Weingarten: Right. As I said.

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Washington, D.C.: Using only a fitted sheet is wrong. Sheet sets, which set the standard, include both fitted and flat.

If that weren't reason enough, do you wash your blanket every week, the way you do your sheets? The top sheet keeps the blanket from coming into contact with your body, so it needs to be washed much less often. It's simple hygiene, Gene!

Gene Weingarten: It does require more washing of the comforter.

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Atlanta, Ga.: What kinda poll questions are those? I'm black, so neither curly nor straight hair is even an option, how about kinky? I'm an environmentalist, so paper and plastic is like asking whether I prefer to step in dog or cat crap. Can a green sistah get some canvas? Despite living in Atlanta, I don't drink soft drinks (sorry local cola manufacturer, but I think you're doing OK without my dime). Oh, and wine gives me a massive headache (Tannins? Sulfites?) the pleasure to pain ratio is off the charts, so that's out. Lastly, while I have and do enjoy men of a variety of colors, shapes and sizes, I generally prefer them to fall somewhere BETWEEN Sasquatch and alopecia, so I was not thrilled with either of the options you presented (although given the two I did choose hairless).

I do like the quick and dirty (poll, get your mind out of the gutter), but really didn't have a preference on some of those questions, and there was no undoing a pick once picked.

That is all. Still throwing virtual panties at you, Bigfoot.

Gene Weingarten: I consider kinky hair to be a derivative of curly, and I like it. Noted, on the paper or plastic. Surely,you could choose between wine and sodas even if you haven't had any in a long time. Much as I did about foreplay.

(Hahaha.)

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Gene: You are a lot taller in person than I had thought.

Gene Weingarten: Yeeks. I am only five ten. What did you think?

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Poll: I'm sorry, but I can't let this stand. Any man who prefers mint chocolate chip to chocolate chip (or nearly any other flavor of ice cream) is no man at all. As of 8:45 a.m., more than 48 percent are opting for mint chocolate chip, which is, in a word, disgusting -- both the ice cream and the poll result. Can I get you guys a wine cooler to help wash that ice cream down? Or maybe stop by the video store and pick up the latest Matthew McConaughey/Kate Hudson romantic comedy? Yech.

Gene Weingarten: I go for mint chip. Kindly explain your position; use colorful analogies, please.

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JFk/Mad cover: According to a Mad cover site, the January 1964 cover was of a seal, not of JFK dreaming of a Playboy bunny. Sorry.

Here's the link.

Gene Weingarten: Apparently the Kennedy illustration was inside the magazine, not on the cover. I am still seeking it.

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Bellwether County, Ohio: What's your take on Hillary's statement about RFK in June?

Gene Weingarten: I am pretty sick of Hillary Clinton. I think she will do anything, absolutely anything. I think her evocation of "hard working people, white people" was as revolting as anything that's come out of this campaign.

But I think with the RFK thing, it was over-reacted to. I don't think she was referencing Obama, though it sure seemed as though she was.

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Mt. Rainier, Md.: Have you heard the adage that patrons shouldn't tip the proprietor of an establishment? I was in a local restaurant recently and the owner served me (he was behind the bar). I tipped anyway -- I thought stiffing him was just a jerky thing to do. Upon reflection, I thought that maybe I was somehow insulting him by leaving him a tip. Whaddya think?

Gene Weingarten: I think you are never insulting anyone by leaving at tip. At a restaurant, that is. I wouldn't leave a tip for my dentist.

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Burbank, CA: Gene: I work in HR for a major entertainment company in Burbank and let me just say, often we hire for a position that will require specific functions, like traveling internationally for training purposes, or heading up a project and many times, we have been screwed because the new hire announces that she is pregnant and will be unable to do all that the job requires. Clearly, we are not able to terminate said employee and do not have the budget to hire someone else to do the work at hand. Sorry, but that stinks.

Gene Weingarten: If the job requires extensive travel, and if she is hiding a pregnancy that will prevent her from all travel -- i.e., she knows that as a young mother she will REFUSE travel for years -- she is defrauding you. Ethically. That's different.

If that happened to me as a manager I would call the legal department and see what my options are.

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Manitowoc, Wis.: The Poll neglects people who take their own canvas bags to the store; prefer some other sport than football or baseball (or none at all); like mildly hairy men (legs and arms); use a Kindle for reading their newspapers; are so in love with Cornish clotted cream ice cream that they have stopped eating ice cream unless they are in Cornwall; drink no soda at all; and have cats.

Gene Weingarten: Indeed. We will have a poll just for those people next week. I will mail it to you. Take your time answering.

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Rats Ate My Bas, IL: Hi Gene, I know you have dealt with the problem of rats in your community plot, but I can't remember how. This year the rats are showing a preference for my basil plants; last year it was the mint. (Although minty-fresh rats are kind of funny.) I am 100 percent sure it is rats, not squirrels or other vermin. Help.

Gene Weingarten: Sorry, but I think the solution is too late. We poisoned before the growing season.

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Mojitos: I like the taste of mojitos -- what I don't like is getting green weeds in my teeth from a drink. I'd prefer to have mine strained at least. Do they do that? Probably -- they probably just put it into a martini glass and call it a mojitini.

washingtonpost.com: It's called "mint" and what gives the Mojito its distinctive taste.

Gene Weingarten: "Distinctive" is a good word for it.

Mint also ruins perfectly good bourbon, when it's made into a julep.

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high frequency barking controller: Dogs are not the only animals that hear high frequencies. The high-frequency generator will create noise pollution for other local fauna, too. Of course if you are talking city life then it's rats, feathered rats (pigeons) and the occasional raccoon. Fair enough. But out in the burbs? Come on, have respect for the animals to let them lead a happy, unpolluted life.

Gene Weingarten: What are these other animals?

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Gene's Height: I don't know, I thought you'd be stout - like 5'-6"

Maybe it's your column cartoon!

Gene Weingarten: I can see the confusion. I'm only about an inch and a half tall there.

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You're Right: There ARE great bits of insight and humor in the Gene Pool. There are also great pieces of literature being churned out by the infinite number of monkeys in my basement. Alas, I'm too lazy to sort through either too find the wheat among the chaff.

Gene Weingarten: Understood. You shouldn't read it! That's sort of the magic of the web.

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Laugh, IN: R.I.P., Dick Martin.

You bet your sweet bippy!

Gene Weingarten: Aw. He was good.

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College Park, MD: I find the discussion about disclosing pregnancy to a prospective employer very interesting, particularly in light of something someone said: if you had a serious illness and you had to miss work for treatment, would you disclose that?

When I applied and interviewed for my current job, my daughter was undergoing treatment for a brain tumor. I was completely upfront about the situation, alerting my prospective employer that what my daughter had was dangerous and deadly, and that trips to the hospital for her would not be out of the question. They hired me anyway, and did not bat an eye when, less than three months later, I had to take an extended leave when she died.

The moral of my story is this: you don't have to do anything you aren't legally obligated to do. But if someone really wants to hire you, they will do so regardless of your circumstances. Like you said, it's a matter of personal ethics on the part of the applicant, but if you're talented and the employer recognizes that, you should have nothing to fear by being honest.

And if the reason that they didn't hire me is because I was spending too much time with my critically ill daughter, then I'd rather not be a part of that organization.

Gene Weingarten: Exactly.

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DUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE: I had no idea you were a Pearls Before Swine (band, not strip) fan. Excellent. Also, do you think you were the first WaPo writer to get the f-word in print in all its naughty glory, thanks to that story?

Gene Weingarten: I loved that band.

Well, I didn't EXACTLY get it printed. But I was glad I got it printed in code.

I always liked this story, and when it was published, PBS fans came out of the woodworks. I think Rapp was/is an unusually gifted songwriter.

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Jim Beam: Anyone who uses good bourbon to make a mint julep probably likes their men hairless.

Gene Weingarten: And mixes Stoli with stuff. With ANYTHING.

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Small Breasts, D.C.: When I was in my late teens to early 20's, I felt inadequate because of my small breasts (and my first husband even suggested I get a boob job). He is now an ex-husband.

Now I am 50+. My breasts are still small BUT VERY PERKY. I am constantly admiring them. Just sayin...

Gene Weingarten: Congratulations.

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Hillary: I really liked Eugene Robinson's article today on the whole thing. Not whether or not she meant to imply that Obama could easily be assassinated, but that she is now lost in "I might still be able to win" land.

What happens if Obama WAS assassinated? At this point, I wouldn't take her as a VP, just in case she got any ideas. (Just kidding.)(Sort of.)

washingtonpost.com: Clinton's Grim Scenario, (Post, May 27)

Gene Weingarten: Yeah. I do think that she has lost her bearings. And I think we're gonna see the superdelegate slide become a landslide. People are starting to really dislike her. I mean people who didn't particularly dislike her before. Me, for example. I want her to go away.

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Washington, D.C.: Wow - what does that say about the U.S. auto industry? Those results made me sad, even though I voted "foreign," own a foreign car and would pretty much only consider buying foreign in the future. Sad state for American automobiles...

Gene Weingarten: It has been this way for 40 years. Actually, American cars are more competitive now, but buying habits last a lifetime.

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New York, N.Y.: A few thoughts on the preliminary results of the poll:

I'm way in the minority on curly hair. I like it, I think it's often more interesting. As a guy I would like to have curly hair. Frankly, at 29 years old, I'd like to have more of any kind of hair. On girls I like really, really short hair best, which is usually straight. I just think curly hair provides more to visually process, which is nice. But fine, if people like straight hair, I can see that.

There are two other questions where I'm in the minority and I cannot understand where everyone else is coming from. One of them is just logical: the toothbrush. Listen, I know most of you people don't HAVE an electric toothbrush, but why would you not WANT an electric toothbrush? Other than cost, what are the possible advantages of a manual toothbrush? Electrics simply clean better and faster. It's not like manuals have the old school kitsch of a straight razor yet. You can't use one to be cool or flaunt a particular skill. I think in this one people were voting for what they use, not what they prefer.

The other preference I don't relate to is small breasted women. To be clear, I've been with small breasted women and they are beautiful and hot and sexy and their breasts are extremely attractive. I love talented, smart, funny women of all shapes and sizes. But given the choice? Come on. I totally understand LOVING small breasted women. I just don't understand PREFERRING them. Explain yourselves. Gene, I know you're one of them.

Gene Weingarten: I believe I already have.

But you are SO SO right on the toothbrush, I forgive your confusion on breasts.

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Eh on Foreplay: And I'm a lady. I don't know how to explain this in a chat-acceptable way. Uh. Being on the receiving end of third base doesn't really do it for me, is I guess the main thing, and I don't think it's because I've never had a good triple. I've read that, for a lot of women, they don't really get into it until it is getting into, if you catch my drift. This is the case with me. Good day.

Gene Weingarten: Thank you. You are a courageous woman.

But a triple, traditionally speaking, involves the hands. Traditionally speaking.

And that's not what we're talking about here.

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Stylingprodu, CT: Gene--Having seen you many times in person, I know that you're one of those men who aren't into "products" for your hair, so I think you may be exactly the person to ask this fashion emergency. I'm a gay man whose long-term partner has decided to grow his hair out a bit. The problem is, he's determined that Brylcreem, Vitalis, or Wildroot are his only choices to help control it. I suddenly feel like I'm sleeping with some unholy mutation of Ward Cleaver and mid-80s Michael Keaton. Can this relationship survive?

Gene Weingarten: Wow!

This is a horrible problem!

You need to put your foot down. Grease is bad. There is never an excuse for grease. Make it an environmental argument! Make something up. I'm with you, man.

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Bark control: It only works when the animals is barking. No sound, no high freq. noise. So unless the lambs aren't silent, other animals will be fine.

Gene Weingarten: Right, but I think the poster's point is that until the dog learns not to bark, every time he barks, some squirrel is gonna go, ow.

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Maternity leave question: Hi Gene,

I was a little surprised by your comment "Woman A gets an important job and, in the next 15 years, proceeds to have 12 children. She is not at work longer than she is at work."

How much maternity leave does the Post or an average job give? Mine, unfortunately, would give 3 months of unpaid leave per birth, or 3 years in your example. A lot of time off, but not even close to what she would spend working.

Gene Weingarten: Federal law allows you to extend that without pay, I believe for up to a year.

The Rib took four months for Molly and two months for Dan. As I recall.

Gene Weingarten: Hm. That "federal law" thing is probably not right. Many employers will let you take reasonable amounts of unpaid leave.

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Foreign versus American cars: Many people who were so unfortunate as to own Detroit-made cars during the 1970s swore that it would be a cold day in hell before they'd buy another one.

Gene Weingarten: Me, for example.

1973 Chevy Nova.

Last American car I will ever own.

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Hairy vs hairless: Gay guy here. Hairy is fine, although I'd rather not need a machete. Hairless is fine (though even the least hairy of us should have hair in certain areas). But stubble? No. All this chest shaving has gotta stop.

Gene Weingarten: Chest shaving is madness.

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Rat Solution, Washington, D.C.: Go to a pet store and ask if one of their rat snakes has recently shed a skin that you can have. Get it, put it in the yard or, if in the house, near the problem area. Rats can smell the skins a mile away and it will be enough incentive to send them packing as they would prefer not to be someone's dinner. I have done this. It works.

Gene Weingarten: Wow. I hope this is right.

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Americ, AN: On a backpacking trip around the world in 1995-96, I met PLENTY of people who were vastly offended that we had usurped the rights of other North Americans and all South Americans to be called "Americans," (and have people know whom they were talking. "Oh! You're American! How are things in your capital of Quito?"). I eventually concluded that they were basically ticked off that we called it first.

Gene Weingarten: Yeah, this seems to fall into that annoying oversentive category. I wonder: Did the founding fathers call themselves "Americans"? Probably, right?

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Washington, D.C.: For the greasy hair problem: Send your boyfriend to a hair stylist. There are a lot of non-greasy products out there to tame men's hair. My boyfriend uses pomade.

Hope this helps.

Gene Weingarten: Pomade is awful!

Product is awful!

You have to look like me. Awful.

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Sorry to Disagree...:

But how else can Hillary's assasination remarks be taken? As Eugene Robinson pointed out, the years she cited had much shorter primary seasons. Even if that were not so, she could have stopped at citing her husband's nomination. It really did seem like she was subtly wishing Barack would be assassinated so she'd get the nomination. Remember, Barack has already had death threats. Everyone should watch Keith Olbermann's special comment about this.

Gene Weingarten: Honestly, I THINK she was saying, "we all remember it was June when RFK was assassinated, so clearly the campaign was still going on."

Her dishonesty about what it MEANT that it was June is something else again.

Hey, I was rereading about the 68 election. I had forgotten: RFK was a real long shot to win it! Only a few states (12?) even had primaries then. Humphrey was way ahead in delegates, in June.

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Arlington, Va.: The United States of America opened for business on July 4, 1776, and its residents referred to themselves as "Americans" from the beginning as a sort of special identity (even de Toqueville used the term). By comparison, Canada remained entangled in the British Empire -- that is, legally tied to the Crown -- until being set free in 1982. Were we citizens of the US of A supposed to stop using the the word "American" in 1982 out of some sort of misguided respect for the Canadians' belated autonomy?

Gene Weingarten: Good. I think we can sort of accept, at the end of the chat, that this is something of a bogus issue.

Okay, we're done!

I am traveling in the next coupla days, so will not be updating this week.

Hey, go visit Terrry Shine on his chat. He's brilliant.

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