Chatological Humor: It's in Your Heart (UPDATED 6.13.08)

aka Tuesdays With Moron

DAILY UPDATES: WED | THURS | FRI

Gene Weingarten's humor column, Below the Beltway, appears every Sunday in The Washington Post magazine. It is syndicated nationally by the Washington Post Writers Group.

At one time or another, Below the Beltway has managed to offend persons of both sexes as well as individuals belonging to every religious, ethnic, regional, political and socioeconomic group. If you know of a group we have missed, please write in and the situation will be promptly rectified. "Rectified" is a funny word.

On Tuesdays at noon, Weingarten is online to take your questions and abuse. He will chat about anything. Although this chat is updated regularly throughout the week, it is not and never will be a "blog," even though many persons keep making that mistake. One reason for the confusion is the Underpants Paradox: Blogs, like underpants, contain "threads," whereas this chat contains no "threads" but, like underpants, does sometimes get funky and inexcusable.

This Week's Poll.

Not chat day? Visit the Gene Pool.

Important, secret note to readers: The management of The Washington Post apparently does not know this chat exists, or it would have been shut down long ago. Please do not tell them. Thank you.

Weingarten is also the author of "The Hypochondriac's Guide to Life. And Death" and co-author of "I'm with Stupid," with feminist scholar Gina Barreca.

New to Chatological Humor? Read the FAQ.

P.S. If composing your questions in Microsoft Word please turn off the Smart Quotes functionality. I haven't the time to edit them out. -- Liz

-----

Gene Weingarten: Good afternoon.

A short intro today because we are going to have a long chat. Some great questions await.

My general view is that Chatological Humor and The Gene Pool are distinct and good things that are better when not mixed, like fertilizer and gasoline. But I really liked the results of last week's GP challenge to come up with bad ideas for Obama and McCain campaign slogans. Here are some of my favorites:

Be Part of an Obama Nation! (Seytom1)

Vote McCain, by Cracky! (Ruefulman)

Vote Obama. He's As American As Makuahine and Poi! (hlabadie)

McCain: Supporting Social Security Since The Beginning. (Hlabadie)

Obama08 Inshallah! (jhbyer)

Vote "Present" for Obama (egonemo)

McCain ¿ Pants on, teeth in, ready to roll! (Eastrow)

----

Deborah Surman sent this link right here, with the subject line "Ow."

----

Today's CLOD is this little item from Man Stroke Woman. (Warning: it has a naughty word in it, and depicts a naughty situation so might not be safe for work.)

-----

Please take today's poll. I am shocked and appalled at how many of you are exhibiting appalling judgment about this atrocious song. Oops, I gave it away. Atrocious. Laughably awful. A full explanation will soon be forthcoming, at which point I shall demand explanation, if you dare, about how you can have found the lyrics to this song anything other than "fair" or "awful." Even "fair" is wildly charitable.

CPOW is a joint entry: Wednesday's and Friday's The Knight Life. First Runner Up is Monday's Rhymes With Orange (guest cartoonist.) Honorables: Thursday's Speed Bump, Saturday's Speed Bump, Saturday's Brewster Rockit.

_______________________

Tampa, Fla.: I read your column this morning and it immediately made me think that maybe you any my husband have the same weird memory dysfunction.

My husband is very bright. He is an epidemilogist and the head of a research center at the local university here. He's been published in the New England Journal of Medicine. But his memory is - pathologically bad. I mean horrid. I mean, I have recommended that he see a specialist.

For example. When we first started dating, his family lived in CT and my family lived in NJ. During the Christmas holidays, I traveled to CT to visit his family (the first time I had ever met them). I stayed for 3 days, we went skiing with his close friend in MA, I met his younger brother, etc.

He has NO MEMORY of this entire weekend. At all. You would think that something as significant as your girlfriend meeting your family for the first time, would for ever remain in your memory. Not for him.

One day, we were watching a movie on TV. He said, "Oh, you have to see this movie. It's great. I said, "I've already seen it. I saw it WITH YOU!" He had no recollection that we had gone to the movie together.

I could go on and on - What is WRONG with you people? I can see forgetting day-to-day stuff, but significant events - clueless.

There has to be some medical or psychological term for this.

washingtonpost.com: Below the Beltway, (Post Magazine, June 9)

Gene Weingarten: Your husband and I share something else, apparently -- clearly, he is able to remain focused and competent at his job. When I am acting as a reporter, observing a scene, I am super aware. I don't miss anything; I pick up nuance, I notice little details that might become important later.

It is when the mind is in semi-repose that people like your husband and me seem to disengage.

_______________________

Hudson Valley, NY: If this song was #27, what were numbers 1 and 2? What made you choose this one to analyze?

Gene Weingarten: Because I had just heard it on the radio, and really listened to the words for the first time, and could not believe that such a pile of crap was produced, and became a hit.

It's only when I began to research it for the poll that I discovered it was #27 in that poll. The poll is ridiculous. Here are the top 10:

001- Whitney Houston - I Will Always Love You
002 - Elvis Presley - Love Me Tender
003 - Celine Dion - My Heart Will Go On
004 - Journey - Open Arms
005 - Paul McCartney - Maybe I'm Amazed
006 - Righteous Brothers - Unchained Melody
007 - Lionel Richie (With Diana Ross) - Endless Love
008 - Elton John - Your Song
009 - Jackson Five - I'll Be There
010 - Aerosmith - I Don't Want To Miss A Thing

So "My Song," with Bernie Taupin's infantile lyrics, is on this list, way up high. Chaka Khan is on the list lower down, but nowhere on this list is ... Bob Dylan.

_______________________

Alexandria, Va.: So, going up the metro escalator this morning, dressed appropriately for a 90+ degree summer day, I am wondering... exactly how short does a skirt need to be before I have to worry about men looking up it? I am wearing a floaty sundress, shorter than knee-length, longer than mid-thigh length... are men looking at my underwear? I do not know the answer to this question because I can not remember ever looking up a woman's skirt on an escalator, intentionally or not, so I don't know how short is too short.

Yes, I am serious. I am 40, and have been wearing skirts for my entire life, and thanks to this chat, I am now worried that my whole life, men have been looking up my skirts and ogling my underwear. I think this is one of those cases where ignorance is bliss, but since I am no longer ignorant, I need to know what the limits are. Thank you.

Gene Weingarten: Yes, men are looking at your underwear. I wrote a whole column about this, with Gina. Lizzie, can you find this? Search for escalator and underpants and Gina.

washingtonpost.com: Below the Beltway, (Post, Aug. 1, 2004)

_______________________

Bethesda, Md.: I liked the song better than you did, but it's still not going in my regular play list.

I thought line 16 was the best, but you didn't even offer it. Now please tell me why you think it is not.

Gene Weingarten: Because it is an AWFUL line. What a weird turn, and a thudding end to it.

_______________________

Baltimore: Your lyrics polls are always my favorite, amateur musicologist that I am. This one, though, is pretty weird. Even by Rod Stewart standards, this is pretty godawful. "Ludicrous" and "pretentious" all the way. I can't believe anybody could possibly like this tripe, much less say so publicly (even with anonymity). Twenty-seventh best love song? Ye gods.

Gene Weingarten: We are going to hear from these people, dagnabbit, because I am going to demand that they answer for their votes. There are dozens who call these lyrics "great."

_______________________

DC: I know you are acquainted with the Empress. Could you pass along a contest idea? It's based on the most difficult question I'm routinely asked on forms, like tax returns: state your occupation.

The contest idea is this. Pick a person, and indicate both how they probably answer the question of their occupation, and how they should answer the question. Two examples:

Tony Kornheiser. Probably: Reporter. Should: Performer.

Jose Canseco. Probably: Athlete. Should: Informant.

Gene Weingarten: I like this a lot. Consider her informed.

_______________________

Reston, VA: My wife normally hates it when I shove articles before her and assert that they are "really funny," but she made an exception for your most recent column. She laughed to the point of asphyxiation, put the magazine down, and wiped the tears from her eyes while muttering, "My God. There's more of you."

For like you, I have gone through life dazed and confused. Last month I changed where I work and still found myself driving to the old location in the morning. Twice.

And yet, I am reckoned a very bright person who has a position of some responsibility and make a good salary. I can't recall exactly how much I earn, but my wife knows so that's all that matters.

Far from being absent-minded, I attribute my behavior to having a very intense inner monologue. I am always thinking about things. Not necessarily important things, but certainly salient things. Not all of which involve Scarlett Johansson.

Is this your situation as well? Do you find yourself so engrossed in your own thoughts that the outside world sometimes fades away to a vague murmur?

I eagerly look forward to your response. That is, if I can remember to read it.

Gene Weingarten: I do have a very intense inner monologue. But it doesn't explain some of these things. I'd like it to, but i doesn't. Vis a vis this column, it might explain the final anecdote about the restaurant, but it surely does not explain hanging up the phone after having talked for 15 minutes with Achenbach, and instantly not recalling whom I had spoken with.

_______________________

Your Heart, Your Soul: Here is a rule of thumb about the worst line of that insipid, trying-too-hard song: the worst line is the line one is listening to at a given moment. It was after I gave my answer (line 13) that I realized it. Or perhaps after I saw that the early returns were lining up against me.

Gene Weingarten: I like this point a lot.

_______________________

The writing process...?: You're an essay in glamour. Please pass me that hammer... No.

You're an essay in glamour. I'm locked in the slammer... No.

Aha!

You're an essay in glamour, please pardon the grammar...

Eureka!

Gene Weingarten: Exactly. My analysis follows.

_______________________

Gene Weingarten: Okay, the poll.

Dave Barry, a published expert on bad rock songs, declares this one "very, very bad." Pat the Perfect, an expert in the use of language, says this song belongs to a genre she calls "moron rock." Both are being too kind.

I'm sure there are songs with even more insipid, cliched, wooden, cumbersome, and immature lyrics, but I cannot bring one to mind just now. Bernie Taupin's inept "Your Song" at least has the virtue of intent: He was trying (unwisely) to sound inarticulate. This song has no such excuse. Rod is trying to sound erudite, but succeeds only in sounding like an 11-year-old boy who has learned a bunch of big words and phrases and who then proceeds to comically misappropriate them all in a song.

Let us begin with the hook, the refrain, the thing most of us can sing along to, if we dare. It's got a bunch of words in it but it basically comes down to "You're in my heart, you're in my soul." An obnoxious elitist would argue that this is a pretty unoriginal, simplistic, downright juvenile and clichéd central point. I would basically agree with that elitist, though I would say to him, well, y'know, simple and juvenile and heartfelt can work in a love song. Let's give Rod a chance to prove he's packing at least a little bit of intelligence in the rest of it!

Ooop! He isn't! Aooooga! Moron alert!

"Breezin' through the clientele, spinnin' yarns that were so lyrical
I really must confess right here that the attraction was purely physical."

The rhyme is nails-on-the-chalkboard winceworthy, of course, so bad that even a good singer like Rod can't pull it off; we also have no idea what the clientele is, or what "spinnin' yarns that were so lyrical" is supposed to mean.

This might also be the first rock song that uses the word "purely." It is the beginning of the end for Rod and this song: Among all his sins -- unintelligence, lack of clarity, cliched thinking -- poor word selection is the worst.

... I took all those habits of yours, that in the beginning were hard to accept
Your fashion sense, your Beardsley prints I chalked up to experience ...

These lines are dreadful for a number of reasons: First, they are remarkably awkward for a song -- banal prose, wordy and wooden, squeezed improbably into a lyric. They sound like they are taken from a job performance evaluation: "habits of yours that in the beginning were hard to accept..." Second, they are incomprehensible. He "took" those habits? What does "took" mean in that context? Plus, what habits? Is a "fashion sense" a habit? Is a Beardsley print a habit? He is forgiving her bad taste and cheesy art by "chalking it up to experience?" What? Whose experience? Rod clearly doesn't understand what this phrase means, but he seems to like the sound of it, and he thinks it interior-rhymes with "prints," so by God he is using it, even if meaninglessly. (Also, it's a really non-poetic expression, guys-around-water-cooler language, ridiculous in a love song.)

This last point is key to understanding just how terrible this song is: Thuddingly awkward constructions are inimical to love songs, especially one that is so earnestly and beautifully crooned. "My love for you is immeasurable, my respect for you immense" is just an awful line in a ballad. He's proud of knowing words like "Immeasurable" and "immense," though! Big-boy words!

This line -- "You're every love song ever written, but honey what do you see in me?" -¿ needs no criticism from me. It's its own worst enemy.

Let's try this one: "You're an essay in glamour, please pardon the grammar, but you're every schoolboy's dream ..."

Please pardon the GRAMMAR? Yep, Rod wanted some more interior rhyme there, intelligence be damned. In fact, the grammar's fine. He meant, perhaps, "excuse my French," because he's ultimately saying she's an adolescent's stroke-book material. But, see, that didn't RHYME.

Many of you rightfully focused on the idiot line in which he compares his woman, favorably at least, to soccer teams. If there had been one single hint that this song was intended as parody or humor, we could accept this line with a grain of salt. Rod, being funny. But, nope. Rod means it. He's a soccer fan. He has a tin ear for how ludicrous it sounds.

Now let's go to the last two lines, because they are really special:

"And there have been many affairs, many times I felt to leave
But I bite my lip and turn around, 'cause you're the warmest thing I ever found."

Uh, "Many times I felt to leave?" What? This sounds like it was written by a native Italian who has only a smattering of English.

And finally, that fabulous last line, which is so inept, so tone deaf, that it brings to mind a man encountering a fresh turd in the street. Compare that last line to this one, done by a fella who kinda knows how to write a love song:

"His clothes are dirty but his hands are clean
And you're the best thing that he's ever seen,
Stay, lady, stay. Stay with your man a while."

See? Simple, elegant, intelligent, evocative. Everything this stupid song is not.

_______________________

STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT: Stop isolating the lyrics to songs and treating them as if they can stand alone. The lyrics are meant to go with the music and both are meant to be performed. The fact that there are some lyrics that can stand alone as poetry is a nice little coincidence but has no more bearing on the song than rating a book by it having the correct thickness to prop up my dining room table.

'I'm like a one-eyed cat peeping in a seafood store' Makes no sense when written but perfect sense when Big Joe Turner sings it.

BTW You poll song is dopey when Rod sings it and the lyrics are no less dopey on their own. AND the worst line is:

15. You're a rhapsody, a comedy, you're a symphony and a play

Gene Weingarten: I'm sorry, but 'I'm like a one-eyed cat peeping in a seafood store' makes total sense, is colorful, explicable, and nuanced, and is exponentially better than anything in the poll song.

_______________________

Vienna, Va.: How about a poll on humor for a change? Other than Cul de Sac, Lisa de Moraes (I want to bear her child) and Robin Givhan's laugh-out-loud piece every Sunday, the Post is almost completely devoid of anything funny.

Gene Weingarten: Uh. This WAS a poll on humor.

_______________________

Rod Stewart Sucks!: "You'll be my breathe SHOULD I grow old"

You can't put a caveat in a "love song" - that's like saying:

Will you still need me

Will you still feed me

When I'm sixty-four

(Unless I die before then)

Gene Weingarten: Very true. Yet another crap line.

_______________________

Arlington, Va.: I was reading your column Sunday, and found it pretty funny because I am similar to you in my astounding lack of short-term memory. I finished reading the column and directly went to tell my wife that she should read it. Somewhere along the way I put the magazine down. I told my wife she should read the column, and then turned around to get the magazine and give it to her. It was GONE. We live in a 2-bedroom apartment. It probably took me 10 seconds to find my wife and tell her about your column. In about 20 feet and that space of time, I was able to disappear the Washington Post Magazine in its entirety. I'm not making any of this up.

washingtonpost.com: Below the Beltway, (Post Magazine, June 8)

Gene Weingarten: So far I have four posts from couples reporting exactly my sort of disability. In each case, the pathetic feeb is the guy.

_______________________

Silver Spring, Md.: "I wrote a whole column about this."

She knows that. That is why she is asking the question. You need to slow down and read the questions, Mr. Nuance.

Gene Weingarten: Oh! I never read to the end! HAHAHA. To the END.

_______________________

Lyric, AL: On the song:

It's the refrain that makes this song. The verses are pedestrian, but all anyone remembers is that great refrain.

Gene Weingarten: You think that's a great refrain? You'll be my breath should I grow old?

_______________________

Not in my heart: Do we have to choose a best line for this song? That's like asking me to select my favorite Bush policy.

Gene Weingarten: I know. The best line is line two, because it is inoffensively ordinary. Every other line offends the sensibilities of anyone who appreciates English, and has any regard for communication skills.

_______________________

Savannah by way of Washington, D.C.: Question on dog etiquette. I know you walk your dog in the cemetery and I know you aren't particularly sentimental about human remains. So, do you let your dog pee on gravestones? If it happens, do you feel bad?

Gene Weingarten: Well, Murphy is female, so she doesn't pee on the stones. Harry did.

What's to feel bad about? They're STONES.

You are aware of my desires, vis a vis my headstone, right?

It's going to be in Congressional Cemetery. It's going to say, A MAN WHO LOVED DOGS. And it will be carved in the shape of a fire hydrant.

_______________________

Ethics Question: Last week's poll and discussion started me thinking. What are the ethics of journalism in some of these situations? Is it acceptable to put down the camera and join in, or does that violate the objectivity? The image of that starving child, and your story about the photo's author really struck a nerve. After he took that photo, did he help her? Did he find some food and give it to her? Would it be a violation of journalistic ethics if he had?

I know that journalists get the access they do because of respect for their assumed objectivity. Is it more important to preserve that in order to bring the story to the rest of the world? How in the world can anyone not be overwhelmed by that choice?

Gene Weingarten: This is a complicated question. The answer is complicated.

A good newspaper / network, etc. expects its employees to act legally, responsibly, and ethically. There are no specific rules, obviously, about what to do with a starving child and a vulture.

If the vulture were menacing the child, the photographer, Kevin Carter, would have been a vulture himself to sit there and shoot the attack. As I recall the background of this photo, he sat there waiting for the vulture to spread its wings, but in 20 minutes, it did not. Then the vulture flew away.

This shot was taken near a UN plane that was delivering food. (The girl's parents were probably at the plane, getting food.) Carter was criticized for not finding out what happened to the girl, but the truth was there were many children around that plane, all in similar bony, bloated conditions. Most or all had parents in the vicinity. I don't see that Carter did anything wrong.

Plus, you have to add in the undeniable fact that the photo he got had the potential to change minds, open up purse strings, etc.

Carter was a pro at this. He had made decisions along this calculus before. He was the first person to photograph a "necklacing" in South Africa. It was a horror to witness, but he was powerless to stop and his photo was a powerful tool to expose the brutality of the practice.

I remember watching a TV report some years ago where the reporter and cameraman had set up near an icy road at a sharp turn and got dramatic footage of a dozen cars skidding out of control and crashing against guardrails and each other. Not fatalities, but not fenderbenders either. I remember thinking, ok, if this team waited even a second before alerting police to this dangerous situation, then they were guilty of ethical misbehavior. But if they saw the situation, radioed the cops for help, and then watched and recorded what happened, you couldn't blame them. There was no reasonable way THEY could have alerted people without putting themselves in serious jeopardy.

These things are complicated.

Gene Weingarten: Kevin Carter was fearless. This is a photo of him in South Africa, in harm's way during rock-throwing violence.

And here is the sort of thing he saw. This is a Kevin Carter photo of a necklacing. Warning: It is very, very disturbing.

_______________________

McLean, Va.: Regarding the constraints of your memory: motivation could be a major factor. Many times in these discussions you have recalled minutiae from past discussions that most people would not have noticed. You seem to have a great memory for humorous items. Unlike a certain editor, you remember how to spell most words, including many that are difficult. I would be surprised if you were unable to reference a particular make and model of watch or clock off the top of your head if someone asked you a clock-watch question.

But you can't recall traveling by car to eat, much less where you parked the car. Could it be that you have a secret desire to rid yourself of the car? I assume it's the old 323 that was the subject of the column.

Gene Weingarten: I wish it were that simple. It just isn't.

_______________________

Bethesda, MD: Great poll question, but it's funny that after the line containing the lyric "please pardon the grammar," you inserted an extraneous comma that fouls up the sense of the line. Celtic United is one of Stewart's favorite soccer teams (he apparently tried to go pro), making it actually kind of a sweet, funny line.

Gene Weingarten: Okay, I THINK you are wrong here, but am willing to learn that you are right. I believe he is referring to two teams: The Glasgow Celtic, and the Manchester United. I don't think there is a Celtic United.

_______________________

Chuck Norris, S.I.: Has lame duckiness set in over at the SI? How could The Empress allow that Web entry to slip through as No. 3 in the Chuck Norris competition?

washingtonpost.com: Style Invitational, (Post, June 7)

Gene Weingarten: Ah. Well, it happens sometimes. Happened to the Czar sometimes, too.

I think these results, in general, were great.

_______________________

Providence: Gene, in your Gene Pool discussion of online gripes, someone recommended using a freely available ad blocking feature of the Firefox browser. I installed this a few weeks ago and now I don't see any more ads, including on washingtonpost.com. Now my pages load 30% faster, but I feel slightly guilty that I am stealing content.

What is your verdict on the ethics of ad blocking? If everyone adopted this feature, your employer would have to come up with a new way to make money online. But isn't this the same as fast-forwarding through the commercials on a VCR? I guess my bottom line is that viewers should be free to surf as they like, and if that doesn't fit with a corporation's business model then they'll have to figure out something else. Do you agree?

Gene Weingarten: I agree. Reluctantly. But I agree.

_______________________

Washington, D.C.: OK, so I also read the story and handed it directly to my husband and said, "wow, you aren't the only one with this problem." He promptly took the magazine from me and then forgot to read it.

Is this a man only problem? Why would that be? Are women evolutionarily blessed with better memories so we don't forget where we put our kids or something?

Gene Weingarten: I like that explanation.

_______________________

Knowing when to let go: How does a pet owner know when it is time to say goodbye. Out beloved "Teddy" is 18+ years old and basically failing medically. We took him to the vet for the last time in April and she told us that we should use his desire to eat as a sign (when he stops eating, it's time). At the time the vet said 2-3 weeks. That was almost 8 weeks ago. "Teddy" is still eating and wants to be around us at all times, but he sleeps a lot now, is a bit unsteady on his feet, and had basically lost so much weight he is nothing but fur & bones. We hope he is not in pain, but can't really tell. I feel so sad and I don't know if I can do this even though I know I have to. You are a pet owner so I know you understand that these creatures are not just animals, but family members, so I'm looking for any words of wisdom or thoughts you might have.

Gene Weingarten: There is a point when one is keeping an animal alive not for the sake of the animal, but for one's on sake because you cannot bear to lose him. I understand this impulse, but it is wrong.

I suspect you are at that point.

Teddy is 18. He has lived a long life, and more. You've loved him all his life; do him a final kindness.

_______________________

Washington, D.C.: GW:

If you were single, and still had the Mazda, would you get a new car in part to impress other women. I am going through a similar thing with my old car, except it is in much better shape, and I only drive it on weekends. On one hand, the car still runs well, gets good gas mileage. on the other hand, I may appear frugal by driving an old car.

Your thoughts?

Gene Weingarten: I don't think I'd be interested in a woman who gave a hoot about whether I was driving an old or a new car.

_______________________

Social Secuirty Ca, rd: Why oh why do people carry around their Social Security card? There is no need to unless you are starting a new job. Part of my job is to collect IDs for new employees and I hear all the time how their wallet was lost or stolen and they don't have their social security card. I want to say to them, why was it in your wallet to begin with?

Gene Weingarten: I don't carry my social security card. I carry my GRANDFATHER's social security card. I also carry a real business card from a real astronaut, and I carry my real draft card.

_______________________

Stunn, ED: My Heart Will Go On is number three? It is one of the worst lyrics ever written. It makes no sense. The metaphors are a complete failure. The point of view shifts in the middle of the song. And even if these things were all fixed, we would still gag due to the saccharine content.

This reminds me of Dave Barry's poll to discover the worst song of all time ... the winner was MacArthur Park. This song can't be the worst of all time, in a world that has Bill, Don't Be a Hero and Yummy Yummy Yummy. Besides, it's a JOKE. It's bombastic music with silly lyrics and was intended to be funny. People don't get it. What's sad about The Heart Must Go On is that it IS a joke, but no one ever intended it to be one.

Gene Weingarten: Yummy Yummy Yummy isn't bad. It's trying to be bad and succeeding.

_______________________

Gene Weingarten: I think it is time to bluntly ask the lovers of the LYRICS of this song to defend themselves.

_______________________

Ludicrous: -ly good that is! Rod takes this song to "ludicrous speed" -- transporting us all to a world were poorly written songs that compare girls to soccer and old Dutch hags using a series of trite over used metaphors is good enough to be judged one of the most romantic songs ever!

This, along with Adam Sandler's "I wanna grow old with you" should give hope to all of us.

Gene Weingarten: And Cream's "I'll stay with you till my seeds are dried up."

_______________________

Best Little XX in London: Am I mistaken in thinking that Rod is singing to a prostitute?

Gene Weingarten: The only suggestion, as far as I see, is "clientele."

_______________________

Alexandria, Va.: So, someone at work doesn't like me. It's mutual, but I don't think I've done anything to warrant his now subtle slights. It's just a matter of no rapport whatsoever, plus I lack respect for his work behavior (oh, like consistently coming into work late, coming into work even later when our supe is out, etc. Yeah, stuff that doesn't affect my work, but it's not a morale booster when someone gets away with this). Anyway, I digress. So, something happened last Friday where I looked like a fool in front of him, and I could tell he reveled in it (although, he wouldn't have done any better than I did, which makes his behavior all the more moronic, I mean, ironic). My supe was not here for this. Well, yesterday, I didn't put it past him to bring up this fiasco out of the blue. All day, nothing, until just after 4 when out of the blue he says something. I had told my supe what had happened way back in the morning before he got in, so she knew. There was really no reaction to his query, but it just cemented what a jerk he is. He had no reason to bring it up because he had absolutely no hand in what happened on Friday. I only wish my colleagues knew what a jerk he was for doing so, but they didn't. I am so sensitive, I let this cast a pall over my weekend. Please, Gene, tell me how to work on being less sensitive to this. I am a sensitive person and am trying to tell myself to think like a man and just brush it all off, but it's very difficult. I know this is long, but I think you are just the person to ask.

Gene Weingarten: You need to calm down. You won this one, rather handily. Don't you see how?

By fessing up to the boss (which was the right thing to do), you created the perfect situation for him to look like a jerk. Boss, if she is smart, recognized his raising this issue as a crummy, backstabbing, hostile act.

Lord, I hate petty office politics.

_______________________

Now THIS is a LOVE Song.: I walked 47 miles of barbed wire,

Used a cobra snake for a neck tie.

Got a brand new house on the roadside,

Made out of rattlesnake hide.

I got a brand new chimney made on top,

Made out of human skulls.

Now come on darling let's take a little walk, tell me,

Who do you love,

Who do you love, Who do you love, Who do you love.

Arlene took me by the hand,

And said oooh eeeh daddy I understand.

Who do you love,

Who do you love, Who do you love, Who do you love.

The night was black and the night was blue,

And around the corner an ice wagon flew.

A bump was a hittin' lord and somebody screemed,

You should have heard just what I seen.

Who do you love, Who do you love, Who do you love, Who do you love.

Arleen took me by my hand, she said Ooo-ee Bo you know I understand

I got a tombstone hand and a graveyard mind,

I lived long enough and I ain't scared of dying.

Who do you love

Gene Weingarten: Fine, fine song.

_______________________

Miami, Fla.: Re: Elian Gonzalez...

I'm not sure your outlook on Clinton's/Reno's actions is as clear cut as you think. It seems you have forgotten that Elian's mother lost her life during the trek to get her son to United States. So there remained the issue of how much weight the mom's dying act should have.

Admittedly without that, it is very clear what the policy should be. With it, I think it was much more muddled.

Gene Weingarten: Well, I think you are letting your politics intrude.

Elian's mother, Elena, stole Elian from the father and then put his life in extraordinary jeopardy, almost killing him. Do you think she had that right?

_______________________

Weehauken, N.J.: Gene :

Why haven't you followed half of your colleques at the Post and made the run of MSNBC shows ? I'm sure you could do the full Ginsberg if it wouldn't hurt your back.

Gene Weingarten: I freeze on TV. I'd be bad.

_______________________

Re STOP IT: Uh, no. You can pair good music with insipid lyrics, and poetic lyrics with crap music, but neither can possibly ever reach greatness. They're completely hamstrung by their deficiencies.

Gene Weingarten: Of course. Having crap lyrics is just stupid and lazy.

_______________________

Socc,ER: No, there is no "Celtic United." In fact, you'd get beaten up in Glasgow for even thinking such a thing. The "United" reference MIGHT even be a more obscure Scottish team, Dundee United. Manchester United and Celtic don't play in the same league.

Gene Weingarten: I have been informed since that, indeed, STewart is a fan of both Celtic and Manchester United.

_______________________

CPOW: Gene, Gene, Gene.

The CPOW is clearly Saturday's Get Fuzzy. Allowing for differences in opinion, there's no excuse for it not making Runner Up status. How can you put that lame eggplant joke in over Conley's gem?

I went commando today, otherwise I'd fling my panties at you.

Hugs.

washingtonpost.com: Get Fuzzy, (June 7)

Gene Weingarten: It's okay.

_______________________

The Empress of The Style Invitaitonal: Other than Cul de Sac, Lisa de Moraes (I want to bear her child) and Robin Givhan's laugh-out-loud piece every Sunday, the Post is almost completely devoid of anything funny.

sheez.

Gene Weingarten: Uh, Empress. The poster also left out someone else who tries to be funny.

_______________________

I don't think I'd be interested in a woman who gave a hoot about whether I was driving an old or a new car.: Thank, you, Gene, for saying that. I recall years ago meeting a woman for a first dinner date. Somehow the discussion ventured into motor vehicles. She said that she would ahve no respect for a man who drove something like a Mazda 323. Guess what I was driving at the time. There was no second date.

Would you say that having the attitude, "I don't care if my ride impresses you," is a sign of reaching maturity?

Gene Weingarten: I would.

_______________________

Balltriv, IA: During a 1917 Red Sox-Senators baseball game, Ernie Shore came in to relieve pitcher George Herman Ruth after Ruth had walked the first batter of the first inning, then got ejected for arguing the call for ball four. The runner was then caught stealing, and Shore went on to record 26 consecutive outs. Was this pitching performance considered a perfect game?

(From "Baffling Baseball Trivia" by Dom Forker, Wayne Stewart, and Michael J. Pellowski)

Gene Weingarten: No. Because he only retired 26 batters. One was a baserunner. It's too bad, but no.

Even worse was befell the hapless Harvey Haddix, who took a perfect game into the 13th inning in 1959. Unfortunately, he was pitching against Lew Burdette, who had a shutout going, too. Haddix lost it in the 13th. And that wasn't a perfect game, either.

_______________________

Downtown, DC: I'm a long-time chatster and column-reader, Gene, and I have to say that your column on short-skirted women on escalators inspired me to undertake some serious scientific study of the phenomenon you described in your 2004 column. I ride the Metro every day to a certain downtown stop (I'll decline to name it, though it is near a square named after Gen. Macpherson) and ride the escalator up to street level. Through careful observation I have determined that, although the view of a woman's legs definitely improves as a factor of her distance up the escalator from the viewer, no undergarments are ever visible. I have not repeated this experiment on any of Metro's fabled longer escalators (e.g., Rosslyn), and though that is a consequence of my failing eyesight, I would not expect different results.

Gene Weingarten: Thank you for your scientific diligence. I would refer you to Dupont Circle.

_______________________

Reston, Va.: I think "You'll be my breath should I grow old" is the worst line because it's in the refrain. Thus, we have to hear it three times.

Gene Weingarten: I agree, and almost put that in, but Pat persuaded me that on a very primitive level, and clumsily, it actually is making a point: That when he is old, her presence will give him life and vitality.

_______________________

Obama Supporter: Gene-

Will you share your thoughts on Michelle Obama?

I think she is attractive, articulate, smart, and will make a wonderful first lady. In fact, she'll be a breath of fresh air after the plastic Stepford wives that have largely held that position up until now.

I have been shocked, however, at the ugly things that have been said about her in the blogosphere and by people on the street. The depth of the negative commentary about her looks, her hair, her figure, etc. have been astounding. (Not much, I might add, about her intellect or anything substantive).

What do you make of this? Are these just Hillary/McCain supporters being anti-everything Obama? Are these racists venting their spleen? Am I blinded by my support for Obama to a major lack of comeliness?

Shed some light, please.

Gene Weingarten: I am unaware of any of this. She's a brilliant accomplished woman. She very attractive. What the hell are people saying?

_______________________

Gene Weingarten: Still waiting for a defense of these lyrics, all you "GREAT" voters out there. My mind is open to being persuaded that I am all wrong!

_______________________

Uhm...: I thought the lyric in Sunshine of Your Love was "...until the seas are dried up".

Gene Weingarten: Nope. I have researched this thoroughly. Seeds. My seeds.

_______________________

Well, Murphy is female, so she doesn't pee on the stones: I find this rather odd, since my female dog, Millie, pees on everything when I take her for a walk. I have a male dog as well and they compete to see who marks first, sometimes on each other. She actually lifts her left, its an awkward squat leg lift, but she does it. The other day while walking her alone, she literally propped her hind legs on a tree to mark it. She did this 3 times. All I could do is stand there and laugh.

Gene Weingarten: Murphy is MUCH more of a lady. She is, however, a douchebag. Yesterday at the vet, she peed all over the floor out of vet terror.

_______________________

Defender of the Rod: I said these lyrics were good. or great. or whatever was middling to high on your list?

Why? Because there better than anything I would write.

If I wrote a love poem it would go something like, "you're a girl, I'm a boy, we should hang out" then I'd probably try and rhyme hang-out with make out and then argue it is one word.

So why is he good? Because even if his song sucks? I suck more.

Gene Weingarten: I love this defense. Thank you.

_______________________

Washington, D.C.: On the whole, I like the song's lyrics. You don't like the immeasurable/immense line because it has big words -- why can't a song have big words? Yes, fashion sense is a habit. Are you sure it's "felt to leave"? I thought it was "thought to leave." But mostly I like "You are my lover/you're my best friend/you're in my soul" -- a sentiment too rarely expressed in love songs. Should I use it for my wedding dance just to annoy you?

Gene Weingarten: The mere thought of a "wedding dance" annoys me.

_______________________

You drove where?: Gene, I need to understand why, in the days of $4+ gasoline, you and your wife drove to a restaurant that lies in such proximity to your house that you both apparently had no problems walking home. I just don't get it! But tell us about it, so that I may understand.

washingtonpost.com: Below the Beltway, (Post Magazine, June 8)

Gene Weingarten: I explained it in the column. We had been somewhere else, were returning to our neighborhood, and parked near the restaurant.

_______________________

Tralfamad, Ore.: "Her ad lib lines were well rehearsed" is genius. I used that in a high school essay and got an "A". Are you saying you are smarter than my twelfth grade teacher?

Gene Weingarten: Well, you know, after he writes that he says BUT my heart yearned for you, or something....

Wrong connective! She's a fraud and a phony, BUT still, for some reason, I wanted you.


He's a moron. He should not be allowed anywhere near words.

_______________________

Alexandria, Va.: To put the "Celtic, United" dispute to rest see this and go to the Product Description Synopsis. All will be answered.

Gene Weingarten: Okay, I'm taking your word for it. No time to look.

_______________________

NOW WAIT JUST A SECOND!!: I'm the Baltimore, MD that submitted the question as to why a Scarlett Johannson picture didn't win the Pulitzer, but the picture I submitted wasn't the one that got linked to when my question got posted to the updates. I linked to the picture of her with the striped athletic socks and matching sweater, not the bikini one. Which one of you changed it? I'm guessing Liz since Gene probably doesn't know hyperlinks from a comb. Damn you Liz. They taught better ethics when I was at Tech.

Bad link monkey... bad!

washingtonpost.com: Link monkey I may be, but bad I am not. Talk to Mr. Gene about this breach of link-etiquette.

Gene Weingarten: I changed it, for humor purposes. Your idea was good, but it was much funnier to link to the photo we had all seen 12 times, and which Liz had refused to link to anymore.

I see no breach of ethics. I used your idea, I just edited it.

_______________________

Midlothian, Va.: My husband wrote a love poem where he rhymed my name (Kathy) with apathy. Somehow, he made it work.

Gene Weingarten: Uh, they don't rhyme. The only rhyme for your name would be a lisp. I could make that work. You are thweet and thathy.

You have to have an ear, people.

The Empress has recently gotten a song parody where someone tried to rhyme "brown hair" with "raison d'etre."

_______________________

Herndon, Va.: Re: Song written about a prostitute.

I believe he wrote the song for Britt Ekland (a big bosomed lady with a Dutch accent) with whom he had a relationship.

Gene Weingarten: But he's putting her down!

_______________________

McLean, Va.: Good Lord, Gene! You can pull out baseball trivia known to perhaps .0001 percent of the population without taking a second breath, and you can't remember that you were talking to Achenbach for 15 minutes?

Hmmmm, here's a test: Was the bill the last time you filled up Mazda's fuel tank? For extra credit: Where did you buy the fuel? For extra-extra credit: When did you buy the fuel? Betcha your wife can answer quicker and more accurately than you can.

Gene Weingarten: I have no idea. None. I don't even remember when it was. I don't know how much has I have in the tank.

_______________________

Anonymous: "What are the ethics of journalism in some of these situations?"

The author of "The Corner," a true story about a man sinking into a life of drug addiciton and crime, described his approach pretty well (and his approach was appropriate, I think). Basically he was there to report, but helped when he could.

Gene Weingarten: Yep. The author was my good friend and co-screenwriter, David Simon.

_______________________

Pity Party: I am officially in a funk. All this talk of breasts has confirmed how I have felt about my body since I was twelve years old. I am 5'6, 136 lbs. (last I checked) and I wear a 34 DD bra. My breasts are an easy winner for "body part I hate most". I have always wished I had small, cute breasts but instead I got¿ these. I feel like they are an unfortunate genetic accident: an anomaly that doesn't fit my (publicly) reserved personality. I think they make me look trashy and hyper-sexual. I hate the way some guys will not even attempt to keep their rubbernecking under control. I hate that, when I accidentally catch someone staring at them, I am instantly reminded of how trashy I think I look and how exposed I feel. I hate that there isn't anything I can say to the creepy guys who won't look away even after we make brief eye contact and they know that I know that they are staring at my chest. And now I get to hate them because apparently a large percentage of men don't actually want to be with a woman with large breasts. It's OK to stare to at them but they disqualify me as long-term relationship material.

This sounds so horribly bitter and I probably shouldn't send it in.

Sigh.

Gene Weingarten: Bad attitude, girl. Try having this attitude.

Feel ANY better?

_______________________

Mazda 323: "Could it be that you have a secret desire to rid yourself of the car? I assume it's the old 323 that was the subject of the column."

No way. I had one. Best. Car. Ever. No AC, roll-down windows. Best. Car. Ever.

Gene Weingarten: No question. Mine is 17 years old. I will still have it in ten years.

_______________________

Oella, Md.: Later in his life, Harvey Haddix realized that far more people remembered him for his tough luck than would have if he'd just completed the perfect game. Some pretty good pitchers threw perfect games, but so did some pretty forgettable ones.

Gene Weingarten: It's true. I read a book about perfect games. About half the guys who threw em were mediocre pitchers. There's a reason: You need really good luck to pitch a perfect game. Every ball that is hit has to be hit to someone.

_______________________

Smaller Doucheb, AG: My female chihuahua, while riding a floating raft in my pool over the weekend, squatted and peed in the pool!

Gene Weingarten: Wow!

_______________________

A reading: Gene, Let me know if I am off my rocker, but in my reading of the Stewart song, the scene of the first two stanzas is a brothel. This would (potentially) explain the "clientele", "spinnin' yarns" (business talk), "big-bosomed lady" (the madam)with her well rehearsed ad-lib lines etc.

Also the singer has mixed feelings towards the subject -- attracted physically but repulsed by her lifestyle. That would explain the "many affairs" and "should I grow old." Hence "immeasurable" is not synonymous with "immense", but is meant literally as roughly, "indecipherable".

Am I the only one who thinks so?

PS: The song is still awful, but ...

Gene Weingarten: Uh. I don't see this. For one thing, there simply isn't this much thought put into this song.

_______________________

Michelle, Ma Belle: Gene--51-year-old gay white man here. I think Michelle Obama is smoking hot. I'd switch for her, and I have said that about no other woman since figuring out I like men. Which isn't to say she looks manly in the least, um, I mean ... she's just really, really hot.

Gene Weingarten: I just don't see how you can look at her and see an ugly woman.

_______________________

Kaneohe, HI: I found a tip that ranks right up there with Heloise's "Use a pencil to do crosswords if you make mistakes" sage advice. The Honolulu Advertiser has an environmental tip each day and sometimes they're pretty good. Today, however, the tip is "Shrink your laundry pile by hanging up bath towels to dry so you can use them more than once. Less laundry means less time running the washer and dryer."

Seriously? Do people only use towels one time? Am I the smelly kid that nobody wants to hang out with because I use towels for at least 4-5 days before swapping them out? If I am that kid, I guess I'll start doing my Word Finds in pencil.

Gene Weingarten: My wife puts the towel in the hamper after one use. I've never understood it. Towels, by definition, are used to dry clean bodies, no?

_______________________

Lay off the Dylan genius already: OK, I am completely with you on Rod in every sense except your mysterious contention that he is a "good singer." His voice sounds as though he is straining on the pot. All the time.

But please. Dylan is many good and admirable things, but a great writer of romantic love songs isn't one of them. Lay Lady Lay is a song about lust, as are all of Dylan's songs about women except the ones about how all women are hateful.

Gene Weingarten: "y clothes are dirty / but my hands are clean" is the opposite of lust. This is a very gentle song. He is telling her he is a plain man, but a good man, and will not take advantage of her.

_______________________

Southern Maryland: You're wrong about Ernie Shore. MLB does recognize it on its list of perfect games

Gene Weingarten: There is a number commonly given for perfect games; 14, I think? You telling me Shore is one of them? I don't think so.

_______________________

Somewhere out West: So, Gene, where's the line between absent-mindedness and incipient Alzheimer's? I ask as a 50-year-old guy who frequently forgets why he entered a particular room.

This leads to a discussion my wife and I have occasionally: Neither of us wants to burden the other if we get Alzheimer's and neither of us would have any trouble pulling our own plug to make sure of it. The only question is timing. I wouldn't want to go too early, but I also wouldn't want to wander past the point where I was capable of pulling said plug.

What do you think? Is it better to miss a sunset or two than to doom my family to watching me shrivel into an incontinent financial nightmare?

Gene Weingarten: By the way you asked the question, I think you know the answer.

I also think you know that absentmindedness and Alzheimer's are not the same thing. Before anyone goes offing himself because of Alzheimer's, it might be wise to visit a doctor or two. Brains scans offer proof for this and for vascular dementia, too.

_______________________

Treacle Pudding: Rod Stewart's song is sappy, sweet, overdone, predictable, and yet we know the words. These are musical Twinkies having no nutritional value, but sometimes I sneak a Ho-Ho behind my wife's back.

Gene Weingarten: Well, I like listening to this song. But, no, I didn't know all the words until the other day when I stopped to listen. It was a near-puke experience.

Gene Weingarten: I felt betrayed, basically.

_______________________

Name some good ones: Gene -

Please give some examples of some good/great love songs.

Take Dylan's "If Not For You". It's a great song but I could see you ivory tower types destroying lines like, "if not for you my sky would fall rain would gather too" or "Babe, I couldn't find the door,

Couldn't even see the floor,

I'd be sad and blue,

If not for you."

Thanks!

Gene Weingarten: Re Dylan:

Love Minus Zero / She Belongs to Me.

Both complex and ambivalent, but love songs of class and beauty.

_______________________

Perfect Ga, ME: According to the book, Ernie Shore was originally credited with a perfect game up until 1991 when commissioner Fay Vincent stripped his name from the list of "perfect" pitchers.

Ernie must have balked in his grave.

washingtonpost.com: zzzz

Gene Weingarten: Hahaha.

_______________________

Oyecomo, VA: I'm not sure about the authorship, but I've always liked this agglomeration of i-before-e exceptions. Excerpt:

"Deirdre Oppenheimer came down from the heights of a glacier, tore off her veil, seized an ancient financier, and shamed our consciences grievously. 'This society is inefficient!', she inveighed. 'I wasted my leisure becoming proficient in cuneiform hieroglyphs. Either reimburse me with the value of the Einstein coefficient, or I will drag this man back to my hacienda in Muncie, wherein he will forfeit his life!'

"I feigned interest, but looked for our feisty concierge Neil, whom I might inveigle into reining in this weird being. But he had gone to Anaheim, Beijing, Madeira and Taipei with Alexei to shop for a beige geiger counter. His absenteeism made me feel like queueing for the exit. The only sound was the neighing of the sheik's eight reindeer, chewing their edelweiss.

"I turned to Sheila, the Budweiser heiress. "Cease your surveillance of the sleigh and its freight!"

Gene Weingarten: Beautiful.

_______________________

I think this person reads your chats:: Job Search While Pregnant-update: Hi, I wrote a while back and just wanted to report on my situation. I interviewed and found a job while only 3 months pregnant. I ended up revealing this to my employer after they verbally offered the position, but before all negotiations had finalized. They were very supportive and I will start my leave in September. Its been a busy few months starting a new job while also prepping for being away but it can be done!

Mary Ellen Slayter: Congrats! Yes, I think that is the best arrangement. That way they aren't shocked by your need for maternity leave and you aren't unfairly taken out of the running for the job.

Gene Weingarten: Wow! Something I suggested actually worked!

_______________________

Washington, D.C.: Gene, I'm super upset because a C-list celeb just gave birth and used the baby name I have in mind for my kid (one of twins, due in Sept). I loved the name because it was old-timey in the best way, fairly unique, and just lovely. Husband and I have been through dozens of name options before settling on this one.

So, do I have to give it up? Does it make a difference that it's not Angelina Jolie's kid's name, but a C-list celeb? Or does this portend a trend and my kid will be one of 5 kids in her kindergarten class with the name? Ugh.

washingtonpost.com: Lemme guess: Tori Spelling and "Stella."

Gene Weingarten: It portends.

_______________________

Stanford, Calif.: As a college kid/newspaper junkie on the west coast, I skim the Post and Times magazines online right before bed sometimes on Saturdays. So this week, maybe around 1 or 2am, I'm scrolling down to the bottom of the Post magazine page when I see your column:

"(Headline)-"

-Tom: Gene promises to make up a headline by the time this goes to press"

That's probably not it, but it captures the basics--a reference to Tom the Butcher, an asterisk, a promise, a headline of "headline." I only wish the Post delivered to the west coast, because after finding out that there was no headline at 5am EST on a Sunday morning, I really, really wanted to see what made it into print!

(Did you make it in time? What happened? And if a headline like that ever appeared in the Post, what would Tom's reaction be?)

washingtonpost.com: Below the Beltway, (Post Magazine, June 8)

Gene Weingarten: Someone tell him, plese.

_______________________

Rod Stewa, RT: Listen, I don't know what you people were taking in the 60s, but Rod Stewart sucks. I mean, I can understand wondering what Jeff Beck's lead singer got up to, but after you heard it, wasn't that enough?

When I was a shallow, horny, redundant teenager in the late 80s, I would watch MTV for the ... ah ... the articles. Yes, for the articles. I changed the channel whenever Rod Stewart came on, and there was little else I refused to put up with... uh, for the great news coverage.

My question is, how do idiots like him get famous? What is it about him that anyone at all likes?

Gene Weingarten: His voice. It's damn good. And he's had some good songs. Maggie May. You Wear It Well. But mostly, they're crap. Tonight's The Night has the worst lyric in rock history: "Don't say a word my virgin child. Just let your inhibitions run wild."

That's vintage Stewart: Clutzy, stupid, and factually incorrect.

Gene Weingarten: I didn't mean You Wear it Well. I mean Reason to Believe.

_______________________

Poll: How in the world did people think this was an awful love song? I think it's beautiful. The last line is a bit dodgy, but it seems an honest song about a love that's had ups and downs and survived over time. I don't think I'd be thrilled about the affairs part, but if my husband wrote something similar for me, I'd be all goo. Goo!

Gene Weingarten: He's a lucky man to have such an undemanding wife. Are you happy with just a nice Hallmark Card on your birthday?

_______________________

So, do new veterinarians: do "internships," and if so what's your baby girl Molly doing now?

Gene Weingarten: My baby girl Molly turned 27 three days ago. She has entered her fourth and final year of veterinary school. No days off; all clinics. Pure hell.

_______________________

Did he or did she?: So I'm a little perplexed by line 18:

"And there have been many affairs, many times I've thought to leave"

I originally interpreted this to mean that he's had many affairs during his relationship with this woman -- which would completely undermine the sincerity of the rest of the song. If that's the case, I think the song is pretty sucky based on that alone. However, I then considered that the woman may have been the one having the affairs, and while he has considered leaving, can't bring himself to do so. That would actually strengthen the devotional tone of the rest of the song -- though making him look like a total schmuck.

How do you interpret that line?

Gene Weingarten: I don't care. By the time I get there, I Just Don't Care.

_______________________

Reston, Va.: God, I love Rachel's essay, so good to read it again. My favorite bit is the chicken wire and upholstery construction. That's exactly what the 36H I'm wearing right now feels like.

washingtonpost.com: Not sure what size they go up to, but I definitely recommend trying the new Victoria's Secret Bio-Fit bras. So comfy, yet lifty.

Gene Weingarten: I love it when big-bosomed girls talk amongst themselves.

_______________________

I thought you liked "Your Song"?: In an earlier version of this poll, you covered "Your Song" and I thought you liked it. Didn't you like the goofy, childish way the singer trys to explain how this woman makes him feel? He can't put it into proper words but he tries anyway.

Gene Weingarten: No, I said it was execrable. But this song is a lot worse.

_______________________

stopthehyperlin,KS: For Gawd's sake, the dateline (Los Angeles) is hyperlinked in Wilbon's column.

This is insane and must cease forthwith!

Gene Weingarten: Wow.

_______________________

San Francisco, Calif.: You're just the one I had to tell this to. I don't understand this one.

There's a woman in my office who, when going potty, lifts the seat and sits on the rim. I know this from the sounds she makes when she comes into the bathroom and goes into her stall... the seat goes up, she does her business, flushes, puts the seat down, rinses her hands, and leaves.

Gene Weingarten: She is hovering. And doesn't want to do it over the seat for fear of messing the seat.

_______________________

Soccer f, AN: I really must confess right here that the fools who think line 18 is the worst are clearly not soccer fans and don't know that Rod Stewart wanted to be a professional soccer (football) player long before he was a successful singer. Read Stewart's Wikipedia article for more about his love of soccer.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rod_Stewart

Gene Weingarten: I don't think that's the problem with that line. I think the problem with that line is that he is comparing, without any apparent irony or humor, his love for a woman to his love for teams. In a different sort of song -- one that didn't take itself so vomitously seriously -- this could work.

_______________________

Explaining the headline ...: Unfortunately it didn't get in -- ironic that in a column about Gene being forgetful, he would FORGET to send the headline. What are the odds!?

As to what Tom the Butcher did? Well, let's just say that Gene needs double knee replacement surgery. DOUBLE!!

Gene Weingarten: Thank you.

_______________________

Dylan Love Song: Gene,

What is your opinion of "You're Gonna Make Me Lonesome When You Go"?

Lyrics are below for reference:

I've seen love go by my door

It's never been this close before

Never been so easy or so slow.

Been shooting in the dark too long

When somethin's not right it's wrong

Yer gonna make me lonesome when you go.

Dragon clouds so high above

I've only known careless love,

It's always hit me from below.

This time around it's more correct

Right on target, so direct,

Yer gonna make me lonesome when you go.

Purple clover, Queen Anne lace,

Crimson hair across your face,

You could make me cry if you don't know.

Can't remember what I was thinkin' of

You might be spoilin' me too much, love,

Yer gonna make me lonesome when you go.

Flowers on the hillside, bloomin' crazy,

Crickets talkin' back and forth in rhyme,

Blue river runnin' slow and lazy,

I could stay with you forever

And never realize the time.

Situations have ended sad,

Relationships have all been bad.

Mine've been like Verlaine's and Rimbaud.

But there's no way I can compare

All those scenes to this affair,

Yer gonna make me lonesome when you go.

Yer gonna make me wonder what I'm doin',

Stayin' far behind without you.

Yer gonna make me wonder what I'm sayin',

Yer gonna make me give myself a good talkin' to.

I'll look for you in old Honolulu,

San Francisco, Ashtabula,

Yer gonna have to leave me now, I know.

But I'll see you in the sky above,

In the tall grass, in the ones I love,

Yer gonna make me lonesome when you go.

Gene Weingarten: I think it's fabulous. Don't you?

_______________________

Breezin' through the clientele, spinnin' yarns that were so lyrical : You're funny and not in a good way.

You pick these lines to "not understand"?!?!

How about as a big rock star he meets all sorts of women all the time, who tell all sorts of outrageous tales, and his only attraction to them is based on their looks not their personalities?

Is that such a leap?!?!

For the guy who did an amazing job on Ballad of a Thin Man, you seem to have put your dumb guy hat on for this one.

Gene Weingarten: Sorry, but it's just a nonsensical line.

_______________________

Cellu, AR: I thought you had ditched the home phone in favor of just the cell phone, Gene? What happened?

Gene Weingarten: The rib forced my hand.

_______________________

Stellllllllla!: Just go with the formal version - Estelle - for crying out loud.

Gene Weingarten: There is no one under 75 named Estelle. They are all old Jewish ladies. It's like Ceil. Just don't.

We're done, peeps. Thank you muchly, I like yr. spirit. I'll be updating through the week.

_______________________

UPDATED 6.11.08

Gene Weingarten: Thank you to Ronnie Martin for this. Some are really excellent.

_______________________

you angel y, OU: This is a Dylan song that is neither misogynistic or lustful or any such thing. I don't know that I've ever heard a version sung by him, but the New Riders of the Purple Sage version is one of the most straightforward simple, sweet bluegrassy love songs ever. So there.

Gene Weingarten: I love New Riders. I haven't thought of them in 30 years. Panama Red, Last Lonely Eagle. Here is their great cover of "Hello, Mary Lou."

_______________________

Concer,ND: Dr. Weingarten....my poop has turned yellow. For the last two weeks.

What's wrong with me? Must I go to a doctor or can I ignore it?

Gene Weingarten: You need to see a doctor.

There are plenty of benign reasons for yellow poop, but the fact is that this is sometimes a presenting symptom of liver problems. The liver problems can be major or minor, but you need to see a gastroenterologist.

_______________________

Lexington, Ky.: Hi Gene,

Next month I'm getting married (I know how much you love those events) and my last name will be changing from a one-syllable, common, English-sounding one into a four syllable Polish one. What's your favorite Polish joke, to help me get ready for this life-changing experience? Thanks!

Gene Weingarten: Did you hear about the 727 that crashed into a cemetery in Warsaw? Police recovered 596 bodies.

_______________________

Futb, OL: So I'm assuming your analysis of Rod Stewart's song, "You're in My Heart" will include the little tidbit that the song is about futbol (soccer, footie...whatever...)

That taken into account, the line that lists the teams (17? I can't remember) completely undermines the cleverness of the other lines. It's as if he gets to that line and sings "Ok, dumb@sses, this song's about footie."

That said, the delivery and music are perfect for rocking back and forth with a warm glass of beer and all your sweaty friends in their stinky uniforms.

Gene Weingarten: Several posters have made this contention, that the song is about soccer. Sorry, but that's a ludicrous contention. Soccer did not walk into a room. Soccer does not favor Beardsley prints. Rod would not wonder what soccer sees in him.

Furthermore, the straightforwardly moronic nature of this love song is well established by the moronic nature of his other love songs, at least the ones he has written.

_______________________

Silver Spring, Md.: Why did you answer honestly to the woman with the short skirt? The right answer from a guy's perspective is "No! Of course we don't! You have nothing to worry about."

Gene Weingarten: I know what you mean. I wanted to, but I had a collision of responsibilities. On the one hand, that was the funniest of answers. On the other hand, that assertion would have directly contradicted something I had already written. It is the solemn duty of every journalist to stand behind every single word he or she has ever written.

_______________________

Memo, RI: For the fellow who wanted to know the difference between absentmindedness and Alzheimer's:

Absentmindedness: You can't remember where you left your keys and you finally find them on the nightstand.

Alzheimer's: You can't remember where you left your keys and you finally find them in the refrigerator.

Gene Weingarten: Thank you.

_______________________

UPDATED 6.12.08

Retired Stuntman's Home: John Callahan did a retired gymnasts' home that was basically the same cartoon years ago.

Gene Weingarten: You're right! I knew that seemed familiar! I not only knew of it, I published that cartoon in Miami.

_______________________

Alexandria, Va.: Gene, do you remember things like your first kiss? First time you slept with the Rib? First time you slept with any woman?

My husband's memory is also deficient in the same way yours is, per Sunday's article. And he remembers none of those things. Well, obviously he wouldn't remember sleeping with the Rib -- but I had hoped he would remember OUR first time. He does not.

Is there any hope for people with that affliction? It seems to me memory and emotion are so intertwined, that lacking memory of an event means you felt or feel no emotional response during that event. Is this true or am I completely misunderstanding this phenomenon?

Gene Weingarten: I remember my first kiss. I remember the first time with the Rib. I have absolutely no distinct memory of my first time, period. I can't explain this. You would think that would be impossible. I know who it was with, I know when, to within a month -- I was 17, as was she -- but the details are gone.

And the girl is dead.

_______________________

CLOD: Have you seen this?

Gene Weingarten: I have now.

_______________________

Gymtown: As a woman, I now know what a dirty-old-man feels! I'm wildly attracted to my personal trainer who is 18 years my junior, in his early, early 20s. Sparing you every single titillation, I so want to bed him! I'm internally screaming crazy in desire each time I think of him. This feels so sinfully wonderful. Thanks being my one person, Gene.

Gene Weingarten: Now you have your 40,000 people.

_______________________

Washington, D.C.: Sort of, but not really, similar to the pregnant applicant: would you mention a prior felony conviction during a job interview? You would presumably be asked about this on the application, but HR sometimes does not disclose your responses to the hiring supervisor until after an offer is made.

For discussion's sake, let's say the felony was intent to sell a quarter pound of marijuana during your freshman year of college (over 10 years ago). Hypothetically speaking, of course.

Gene Weingarten: If I had honestly responded to this question on the application -- and I would have -- I would see no need or obligation to bring it up again. It actually wouldn't matter what the crime was.

_______________________

Oklahoma City, Okla.: ta-da!

Gene Weingarten: Thank you. I will accept this as definitive.

_______________________

Washington, D.C.: Famous moments in Legos.

Gene Weingarten: Thank you.

_______________________

UPDATED 6.13.08

Baltimore, Md.: Peeing on headstones -- So if (God forbid) one of your children dies and you go (in your grief) to visit your child's headstone and just as you approach the gravesite to place some flowers, some mutt is pissing on your beloved child's headstone, you would be totally OK with that? Really?

Gene Weingarten: Of course I'd be okay with that. The dog means no disrespect.

I'd be upset at some vandal with a sledgehammer. Pee does no harm. Seriously, what kind of person would have a problem with this?

_______________________

Palookaville: I thought you might be amused by this.

Gene Weingarten: I am!

_______________________

'I'm like a one-eyed cat peeping in a seafood store': is also the single DIRTIEST line in a song ever.

Gene Weingarten: Yes, I thought I made that clear. This is a very self-explanatory line.

_______________________

Beisb, OL: An aptonym from the world of baseball, categorized by my friend as the worst name ever: Tampa (Devil) Rays relief pitcher Grant Balfour.

Gene Weingarten: Wow. That is fabulous.

_______________________

Who is rig, HT?: I heard Ted Sorenson on NPR this morning say that RFK had a "virtual lock on the nomination" after winning the California primary.

You said in the chat a couple of weeks ago that RFK was a real long shot to win the election and that Humphrey was way ahead in delegates in June.

Who is right?

Gene Weingarten: I am right. There were very few primaries back then, and Humphrey had a huge delegate lead through party bosses.

_______________________

Are women evolutionarily blessed with better memories so we don't forget where we put our kids or something?: This is a VERY sobering note, but I recall a case a few summers ago in Portland, Maine where a parent drove to work, forgot the baby was in its carseat in the back (the other parent normally did the daycare drop-off), and the child died of heat exposure.

Yes, it was the dad.

Gene Weingarten: Many years ago I read of a similar story in Texas. It so affected me, because I knew that father could have been me, that I wrote a play about accidental perpetrators of serious injury to others.

_______________________

Estelle: "There is no one under 75 named Estelle. They are all old Jewish ladies."

Wow, she's looking good for her age.

Gene Weingarten: You know what? I'm not even sure she's Jewish.

_______________________

Next Week's Chat

_______________________

Editor's Note: washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions. washingtonpost.com is not responsible for any content posted by third parties.