How to Deal Live

Surviving Your Workplace

Lily Garcia has offered employment law and human resources advice to companies of all sizes for more than 10 years. She takes reader questions and answers a selection weekly in her weekly How to Deal column for washingtonpost.com.

She comes online twice a month to answer your questions about human resources issues, workplace laws or just everyday workplace survival.

If you've got a workplace question and would like it to be featured in an upcoming How to Deal column, e-mail Lily at HRadvice@washingtonpost.com.

Find more career-related news and advice in our Jobs section.

The transcript follows.

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Lily Garcia: Good morning, and thank you for joining today's chat. I look forward to answering your career- and workplace-related questions. Let's get started.

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Boston, Mass.: My role (along with three colleagues) in my division is very specialized and separate from what others in the department do. The four of us don't have many interactions with other people in the division because our roles are so different and specialized. Our jobs also involve some interesting travel opportunities that others do not get. I keep that aspect low key -- I don't flaunt it -- yet people seem envious and treat the four of us resentfully and don't invite us in to "join in any reindeer games" as it were. Yes, the perks of our jobs are great, but we still work very hard. I try to focus on the job at hand, but the social aspect of work is important to me, and I wish we weren't kept on the outside. I wish we could work more with others, so they'd see we're nice people but it just doesn't happen. Do you have any advice for coping with this situation?

Lily Garcia: You are going to have to take the initiative to break the ice. Take the lead in organizing your own social activities and invite others in the department to join in. Soon they will see that you are not so bad.

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Washington, D.C.: Hi, thanks for performing this public servic. I live in D.C. and I've been looking for a job in Georgia for about 8 months, and have gotten few bites or interviews. Some books say that quitting your job before you have a new one is a big no-no; other books say long-distance job searching is near-impossible and that you should move and then look for a job. So what is your take on this? Quit my current (very good) job and move, or keep searching from afar? I guess the question really is; what looks worse to a potential employer? A non-local candidate or an un-employed local candidate?

Lily Garcia: Keep your job. There are many ways that you can make yourself more attractive to an employer in another geographic market. But a guaranteed way to make yourself unattractive is to become unemployed. Use your cover letter to explain why you are moving. It helps if you have a compelling reason, like a job relocation for your spouse or the need to move back home to care for a sick relative. Also, arrange a time to be in the area for interviews so that prospective employers are not turned off by the idea of having to fly you out. I actually wrote about this last year and I will provide you with a link to that article momentarily.

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washingtonpost.com: Personal Information Can Aid a Bid to Relocate (Post, August 23, 2007)

Lily Garcia: Here is the link.

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Crofton, Md.: Hi, I am fed up with D.C.'s high cost of living and I want to relocate to a smaller (and cheaper) metro area. I am finding that as I apply for jobs in smaller markets, they think I am too expensive or overqualified because I am coming from D.C. Do you have any tips on how to get a job when you are going from a big market like D.C. to a smaller market (like Cleveland) ?

Lily Garcia: Try being explicit in your cover letter and in interviews about your willingness to accept a pay cut in exchange for a lifestyle upgrade.

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Anywhere: Dear Lily, twice in the past few weeks I have gotten emails from co-workers about a work issue and both times the emails ended with a sentence about, "seeing you at so-and so's party" or "are you going to so-and-so's party," for two separate non-work events. I wasn't invited to either event (and I really didn't expect to be) but I am left feeling like the kid no one wants on their team. Am I overreacting to this and how should I respond to their comments? I just ignore it in my return emails.

Lily Garcia: It is best to ignore the comment. Hopefully, the sender will realize how insensitive it was to make the assumption that you were invited.

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Washington, D.C.: I am looking for a new federal job. I am currently working for the federal government. Can anyone confirm that if the new position you receive is a higher pay grade, you do not have to be "released" by your supervisor. I intend to give two weeks notice once I am lucky enough to obtain a new position. My supervisor prefers one month and frequently tries to force employees to stay by insisting that she will not release them to the new agency. Does this only apply when it is a lateral move?

Lily Garcia: Thank you for your question. Does anyone out there have insights for this reader?

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Living Abroad: Hey there Lily. Thanks so much for taking my question. I am currently living abroad, working on an international development project that I love. The work is great, my responsibilities are growing, and my performance appraisals are very positive. The project ends in April 2010, but I hope to move back to the U.S. in December 2009 and telecommute or work as an independent contractor for the last six months or so, for personal reasons. The work at that time will be primarily report writing and wrap-up, with an occasional trip for a workshop needed. I don't think it would be a problem to do remotely. So my question is, when should I broach this with my employer? My annual reviews are in October, but I worry that would not give them enough advance notice. And ... any suggestions on how to go about this? Thanks.

Lily Garcia: October would not be too early to bring up your idea as a general concept. Just float it and see whether they would be open to such an arrangement. If they are, then you should ask for guidance on when in the future you should bring it up again so that you can come up with a more solid plan.

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Alexandria, Va.: I have a bit of a predicament. One of my co-workers has an anger management problem. (The company has paid for him to go to anger management classes. Twice.) He will completely lose it over the smallest things, or if someone tries to disagree with him. Now this doesn't happen often, probably once every 3 months, but when it does it's terrible. Anyway, here's where I come in. I just had my bi-yearly evaluation, and I'm up for a promotion. This is fantastic news, however, guess who's going to be my new boss. I would be his first employee to supervise, so of course he's thrilled, but I'm dragging my heels. I told my current boss at my evaluation I wanted a few months to think about it because I wanted to do some soul-searching and see if this was the path I wanted to take for a career, so we are going to regroup in September. Help! I really don't want to work for this guy. Should I give up a good job and get a new one, or tough it out as his subordinate?

Lily Garcia: Only you can definitively answer that question. Is your coworker otherwise a fantastic guy? Do you have much to learn technically from reporting to him? Is there a clear career path in your organization that would allow you to get promoted fairly quickly out from under him? If there is enough for you to gain, then it may be worth weathering his temper tantrums. In the meantime, I hope that your employer will take a strong cue from the fact that someone might be willing to forego a promotion to avoid the misery of reporting to this person.

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Georgetown: My department is very clique-ish. I'm in my mid-30s and most of these clique-y people are in their 20s, so I mostly just chalk it up to ignorant youth. Sometimes though it gets so over the top that I cannot help but get affected by it. Our department head holds these touchy-feely retreats once a year and meetings other times, but it doesn't help an iota. As you say, how to deal?

Lily Garcia: What, exactly, are you experiencing as a consequence of the cliques? Is important job-related information being withheld from you, or is it just a matter of being excluded from lunch outings? If your ability to perform your job is being affected, then you need to address the issue directly with those who are responsible. Make sure that you address the issue as a matter of performance efficiency rather than a social issue. If the 20-somethings are just being unfriendly, you need to decide foremost whether you even want to be a part of their social circle. If you do, then you should make overtures to get to know them each as individuals. But I get the feeling that you really have no interest in socializing with them, but you are just irritated by their cliquishness. If that is the case, then you need to do your best to let it go.

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New boss doesn't trust me: I am an executive assistant with a great reputation at my large firm. My boss quit and her replacement (he's been here 3 months) does not seem to trust me. He's very polite, but he second guesses everything I do in a very underhanded way (he has no idea that I realize this). Today was the last straw in that as he smugly tried to catch me in a lie. I didn't lie and luckily had email proof to back it up. It's just so frustrating that after 6 years of nothing but outstanding reviews here, it's come to this. My previous boss treated me like a valued partner while this one acts like I'm just his "stupid secretary" (I do not think that secretaries are stupid - I am one and I know how hard it can be - it's just the impression I get from him). I think it's more an ingrained part of his personality than a dislike of me as a person. Is it even possible to gain the trust of someone like this? If I had screwed up, I could work my way back into his good graces - but I've done nothing but stellar work for him. If it's just "the way he is", is it even worth trying? I have a great salary and even better benefits - it's a scary market to be looking for a new job.

Lily Garcia: That is a tough one. If there is any possibility of an internal transfer, you should pursue that option. Given your history of stellar reviews, you will probably enjoy greater consideration than most. If an internal transfer is not possible, start looking elsewhere. Even in this scary job market, people do get hired. There is no harm in looking as long as you fully realize that it might take a long time to come across the right opportunity. In the meantime, continue to do great work and keep meticulous records to prove it. I don't think that it will help matters with your supervisor if you confront him about not trusting you. With someone like him, you are going to have to constantly prove yourself. And, even when you do, he will probably still second-guess you from time to time. With any luck, he will find a new job before you do.

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Living Abroad: Thanks so much for answering my question... just a bit of clarification... do you mean speak with the supervisors about it in Oct. 2009 (2-3 months prior to hopefully starting the telecommuting?)

Lily Garcia: I mean that you should bring it up in '08. Good luck!

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Boston, Mass.: I just started researching career counselors. What should I be looking for? The context is that I am 26 years old, have skills appropriate to my age and job functions, but I just can't get my career off the ground. Thanks for your help!

Lily Garcia: Look for someone who specializes in people who are in your station in life. A career counselor who normally works with seasoned professionals may not have much value to add when it comes to your challenges, and they will probably charge too much. Check the person's client references and look for a track record of success in placing clients into fulfilling roles.

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Chicago, Ill.: With two masters degrees in theology and a pending Ph.D. in theology, where should I look for employment in today's job market?

Lily Garcia: My first thoughts are academia or a policy-oriented non-profit. Does anyone have other ideas for this reader?

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Silver Spring, Md.: My manager is too busy to do my review; it is now 4 and a half months overdue. He really is too busy, and will never be less busy. I've talked to HR. What can I do to get a review? Any raise I get will be retroactive when he (eventually) gets around to it, so it is not a question of money.

Lily Garcia: Even if your raise is retroactive, you are losing the use of that additional money now. So it really is a question of money. You should tell your boss that, even though you appreciate how busy he is, his delayed evaluation is delaying your much-needed raise. If he is having a hard time finding the time for your review, offer to do a first draft yourself and have him edit it to his satisfaction. Offer to meet him after hours or even on the weekend to have the review discussion.

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Re: Boss with anger problems: I have worked for many tough people, but only once had to report to someone with an anger problem like the previous chatter described. I can put up with tough, but I was totally miserable under this guy. He would scream and bash his head against the wall when he was upset. He would call people names. When it started to affect my outlook on life, I decided it wasn't worth it and left. When someone with an anger problem is in the midst of their tantrum, they cannot stop themselves. They may feel bad about it later, they may say they're going to do better, but it always happens again. They will try to even convince you that YOU have the problem, like you are too sensitive. When I gave notice, he knew it was because of his behavior - he brought it up. He seemed genuinely sad to see me go, but I just couldn't take it.

Lily Garcia: Thank you for sharing your perspective. You raise an important point about how a reporting relationship with such a person can start to assume the characteristics of an abusive relationship.

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For the Federal Worker: Release dates are worked out between agencies. The rule is you cannot be held for more than two weeks if you are getting a higher grade or switching job series. Sometimes you are held for three weeks depending on how the pay periods fall because they do not like for people to leave in the middle of a pay period. You do not want a break in service because that will mess up your service computation date and possibly which retirement system you are in.

Lily Garcia: Thanks so much.

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State of Anger: Re: The potential boss with anger issues- I'd avoid this promotion, and I'd be explicit about why you have done so. I work for two bosses with anger issues. Both scream, call subordinates names, swear at office staff and occasionally throw things at people. Both are partners in our small law firm, so nothing can be done about their treatment of others. And, because these folks are partners, they have no incentive to change their behavior. Eventually, all subordinates are fired or have quit. A job's a job, so I'm happy to keep mine; but the mental and physical toll of an angry boss is sometimes too much. I don't will it upon anyone.

Lily Garcia: Thank you for your thoughts.

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Washington, D.C.: Re: Person who has been looking for 8 months. Maybe it's time to re-think your job search technique. Ms. Garcia, isn't 8 months a long time without getting at least one offer? How do you know when the job search is taking too long and you may be doing something wrong?

Lily Garcia: It depends upon the industry and the type of position that you are seeking. It also depends upon the job market, which, as we all know, is not great at the moment. As a matter of general practice, it is a good idea to continually reassess your approach to applications and interviews. But I would not say that a person who has not secured an offer in eight months of job searching is necessarily doing something wrong. That said, you will know your job search is taking too long if you are aware of multiple other people at your level of experience who have been able to secure the same type of job that you are looking for with far greater ease.

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Washington, D.C.: I'm interviewing for a job I really would like in Baltimore but am unsure how to address the salary issue. How do I determine the difference in salary between Washington and Baltimore so that I don't under or over ask? They are so close and I live mid-way, but I've heard the cost of living is much lower in Baltimore.

Lily Garcia: The federal government has published great data on cost of living differences between cities. I believe that this information is available on the OPM web site. Can anyone confirm?

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Elsewhere: What do I tell potential employers about why I left my last job? My former boss put me in an untenable position. I resigned and reported him. He was disciplined, but did not lose his job. I've been asked to not say anything that would make the company look bad (though I was not asked to sign any such statement), and the boss in question has a sometimes public role unrelated to the area of his malfeasance. So as I'm shopping for my next job, what do I say when people ask why I left? I'd like something honest and straightforward enough to serve the purpose, but not specific enough to identify the issue/s behind my departure. I also don't want to be advertising myself as a "whistleblower." Self-righteousness in the workplace is a disaster. I've got references, that's not an issue. I just don't know what to tell people that's honest and sufficient without unnecessarily compromising others at the company I've left. Thanks for your help with this one.

Lily Garcia: The key is to express your reasons constructively, taking as much personal responsibility for your departure as possible. Rather than saying that you had an incompetent boss, for example, say that you are looking for the opportunity to grow under the guidance of a strong mentor. I have previously written on how to look for a job when you have been fired. I think that some of those same principles will help you. Stay tuned for a link.

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washingtonpost.com: Disclosing a Job Termination (Post, May 21, 2008)

Lily Garcia: Here is the link.

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Bad Boss, Good Person: Hi Lily, my friends were reminded of me when they recently saw an article called, "When Bad Bosses Happen to Good People." I'm on my third bad boss in a row. I think it's the bosses and not me; I've sought career counseling and have talked to an employment attorney, and I have been told that I'm doing as well as I can. I just keep finding abusive bosses (ones like the angry bosses described by today's posters). I can't switch jobs again and I work , so what should I do? Thank you.

Lily Garcia: If you are not in a position to switch jobs, then you should seize upon your current reporting relationship as an opportunity to learn. By deconstructing the key personality traits of the bosses you typically end up working for, you will be better equipped to avoid similar situations in the future. Specifically, think about the cues that you missed during the interview process that might have signalled a propensity toward these "bad boss" behaviors.

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Richmond, Va.: What's the best way to tell your current employer that you are leaving the company? How do you stay on good terms if you leave under a year?

Lily Garcia: As a general rule, the best way to frame your resignation is, "it's not you; it's me." If you want to leave on good terms, express gratitude for the opportunity that you have been given and explain your departure in terms of the things you need that you unfortunately need to sek elsewhere.

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Richmond, Va.: If you Google -- cost of living calcualtor, any number of sites will come up where you punch in your current salary/city and the new city and it will tell you how much you need to earn in the new city to enjoy the same quality of life.

Lily Garcia: Thanks!

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RE: Stupid Secretary: I can totally relate to the frustration of that poster, because where I work, my position sort of doubles as an admin role. As such, many of the more senior people (all holding VERY advanced degrees) look down at those in my position as glorified secretaries who don't even deserve the time of day. You can imagine how discouraging that is to be viewed as muck when I only hold a bachelor's degree and not a Ph.D.

Lily Garcia: Thank you for your comment. It is a shame that people in your role are regarded in such a narrowminded way.

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To Good Person: I think when I ended up with two bad bosses in a row, I realized I say YES too soon. Both times I received an offer and accepted it despite real misgivings. My fears about being unemployed made me say yes rather than waiting till something that felt more right came along.

Lily Garcia: Thank you

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Lily Garcia: Unfortunately, we have run out of time. If I did not get to your question, please feel free to email me at hradvice@washingtonpost.com. Thank you for your participation, and have a wonderful afternoon. -Lily

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