The Busy Moms Guide to a Happy Organized Home

Kathy Peel
Author
Monday, August 4, 2008 1:00 PM

"When you take on motherhood, the world's most important job, there's no formal orientation -- just on-the-job training and trial by fire," says Kathy Peel in her soon-to-be-released book, "The Busy Mom's Guide to a Happy, Organized Home."

Peel was online Monday, August 4 at 1 p.m. ET to talk about balancing the tasks that being a mom entails.

For more child-rearing tips, check out the Post's On Parenting blog.

A transcript follows.

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Kathy Peel: Thanks for joining me in the parenting forum. I will try to answer as many questions as possible.

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Toddler Time: Hi Kathy -- Thanks for taking questions. Without having read your book, do you have any suggestions about how to manage household tasks/organization with a toddler around? She's just learning how to pick up after herself, but that sometimes makes more work for me ... I'm sure you know how that goes!

Kathy Peel: There are seasons in life when your home can be cleaner and more organized. When you have preschoolers is not one of them. The reality of setting aside a large block of time to do a thorough deep cleaning just isn't in the cards for a while.

But even small children can begin to learn to pick up their own toys and put them away. Not only will they learn important life skills, but you're also teaching them cooperation and collaboration skills that will serve them in any walk of life

Here are a few ideas:

When your children get a new game or toy, let them have a say in where its storage place will be. Involving them in the "where it goes" decision helps remind them to put the item there when it's not in use.

When storing their belongings, put most the frequently used items in lowest, easiest-access places.

Keep a small laundry basket in the closet for easy collection of dirty clothes.

Buy assorted sizes of clear-plastic boxes for kids to categorize and store their belongings.

Don't stuff drawers so full that kids can't remove items without making a mess. Regularly remove outgrown clothes.

Limit the number of toys that can be out at one time.

Have designated toy-pickup and put-away times.

Avoid toy boxes and trunks. Small items sift to the bottom and you have to empty the contents to find them.

Keep a clean plastic dustpan in your child's room to scoop up multi-piece toys.

When I had preschoolers, I decided to lower my standards a bit and team up with another mom for Spring Cleaning Lite. I helped her clean for a half day, and she returned the favor at my house. (We lined up a sitter for our kids at the home we weren't cleaning.) I was amazed at how much the two of us could accomplish in a few hours.

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What about fathers?: Yet another female pundit ignoring the fact that father's are also responsible for "managing the family." Why did you slant the book toward mothers when you could have written the exact same book aimed at "parents"?

Kathy Peel: Typically, my readers and audiences are women and I'm trying to reach as many as possible -- and give them advice and strategies I learned the hard way. (My husband and I are talking about writing a book together on teamwork.

In the majority of homes Mom is the Family Manager, but in some households it makes more sense for Dad to be the Family Manager. No matter who's it is, It's important for everyone in the family to understand the value of this position and treat the person who fills it with respect. I wrote The Busy Mom's Guide from a woman's perspective and with women in mind, but the principles and strategies work no matter who's the Family Manager.

But here's the deal...every home needs a family manager -- a person who oversees the household. Family Management is not about gender...and like all other good management, it's not about autocratic leaders imposing arbitrary standards from on high. It's about sharing responsibility, helping each person find their niche, and empowering them to succeed. In our family, I'm the Family Manager and my husband Bill is Chairman of the Board. We both participate in the operations of our home and take very seriously the job of "building equity," if you will, into our home and family. Bill and I are peers, colleagues, and committed to the same mission and values.

Hope that clarifies. But if not, let's keep going because this is important.

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Colorado Springs, Co.: How does this book differ from your previous books? What inspired you to write this book?

Kathy Peel: When I started writing 20 years ago, our boys were 2, 9, and 13, so I was writing to my peers -- Baby Boomers. Then about 8 years ago I shifted my focus. I started reading everything I could find about GenXers, and talking with and listening to moms and dads across the country who are members of this new generation of parents, hearing about their issues and challenges when it comes to managing a home and rearing children in the 21st century.

Although many parenting principles are timeless, today's parents have some unique challenges (and also opportunities). I wrote this book specifically with GenX parents in mind, which meant updating and adding solutions just for them. Every day of my life I think about how to reach them. I know the Family Manager system will help them immensely.

On a personal note, I really like the place where I am in life. Our boys are out of the nest (two are married). My husband and I have been married 37 years (yes, we married early) and we are all still a family team although we don't live in the same cities. I'm not saying we have a perfect family, because there's no such thing. But we have a really good family and I've devoted the rest of my life to helping this younger generation of parents have what we now enjoy.

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Oviedo, Fla.: Should I declare war on a 13-year-old girl who cleans her room only to trash it again in a day or two? My friends say, "pick your battles" and just close the door, but this seems like a cop-out to me. Her room is off the kitchen. I am tired of seeing pens on beige carpet, open cans of soda dripping and stains on the white comforter. It is a pigpen. Help. She cleans it when she needs a ride somewhere or as a condition of hosting a sleep over -- I can't host a sleep over every other day.

Kathy Peel: I agree with your friends...at least about picking your battles. Save your steam for the big stuff. Here are some quick thoughts.

First, personally, every family has their own definition of clean. We were pretty lenient with our kids about their rooms...but damaging things...and not taking care of belongings or our home was strictly out of bounds.

Here are some other thoughts. (I need to move on to some other questions, but remind me later to tell you about Clutter Jail and the Swine Fine bucket...to things we used to help our boys learn to pick up their stuff.

A lot of parents are exasperated because their kids won't obey or cooperate. If your child is one of them, consider the following questions:

Does your daughter talk on the phone?

Does she watch TV?

Play video or computer games?

Does he or she like to borrow the car and go out with friends?

Those activities, and others like them, are privileges, not rights. We do our kids a favor when we have a policy that says: unless you obey and cooperate, you do not get your privileges. Period. Granted, kids won't like this -- but they'll bow to it. Properly motivated, kids will do anything. Even more important than the child's cooperation is the lesson he or she learns about real life. After all, that's the way the adult world operates. If you don't obey the chain of command on your job, you won't have the privilege of getting a paycheck or maybe even having a job at all.

Don't be afraid to trade permission for obedience. Your child deserves to learn this at home, where the stakes are small, rather than in the cold, cruel world, where the stakes are enormous.

Keep in mind that the goal of all discipline is to change the way a child thinks so he can, in turn, change his own behavior and become a self-disciplined person. On days when you're ready to pull your hair out, don't give up! Your patience, hard work, and unconditional love will pay off.

Everyone in the house needs to know the guidelines and the basic policies under which they are operating. In some families, the parents talk about the rules they want to establish and present them to the children. In other families, the Family Manager articulates the rules after hearing input from all team members. The ideal is a collaborative system of setting house rules in a family meeting.

No matter how you do it, your house rules should include a reward-and-consequence system that applies to everyone. For example, if one of your rules is that nobody eats in the living room, then nobody eats in the living room -- Mom and Dad included.

Consider adapting some of the following examples of House Rules to your own situation.

Rule 1: We're all in this together. The rules apply to everyone -- Mom and Dad, too. Kids won't buy a double standard. When you give them permission to call you on the carpet for a violation they will feel ownership of the rules.

Rule 2: No yelling at anyone or "pitching fits." Reserve yelling and screaming for emergencies only.

"No pitching fits" is a good rule to adopt. From an early age, children need to know this is not acceptable behavior. Never give the desired response when a child used a pitching a fit as a means of getting it. As children are able to understand, explain the consequences and follow through. Teach your kids alternative ways ask for what they want or express in a controlled way how they feel.

Rule 3: Delete the phrase "Shut up" from our vocabulary. Every human being is a worthwhile, uniquely made individual, worthy of respect. Don't tolerate these or any other disrespectful or devaluing words between family members. Make sure everyone knows offenders will face consequences.

Rule 4: Calling names, or making unkind, cutting remarks to each other is strictly out of order. Family teasing and laughing together is healthy. But every family must have boundaries. It's important that when family members poke fun at one another, it's fun for everyone. It's not funny to joke about someone's big nose, deformities, seemingly stupid mistakes, fears, or weaknesses.

Make a list of the names and negative phrases you would like to eliminate from your family's vocabulary: "dummy," "stupid," "punk," "I don't like you," "You make me sick." Set a family goal to rid these terms and phrases from your conversation.

Rule 9: Respect each other's stuff. Children need to learn to respect the property of others and to share their belongings with others. To do this, they must have a sense of control over their things and respect the control someone else has over his things. This means if a child has a friend over and they want to play with something that belongs to a sibling who isn't home to give his permission, then they must find something else to play with.

Rule 10: Agree to abide by family chore system and get together regularly for family team meetings. Everyone who lives under the roof of a house should help with the upkeep. Identify the consistent conflicts in your home: whose turn it is to feed the dog , do the dishes, or vacuum the family room. Then schedule a family meeting and use the Who's Responsible for What list to divide chores between family members.

More ideas for House Rules:

Put away what you take out.

Use good manners with family as well as guests.

Respect each other's belongings. Ask if you want to borrow something.

If you fix a snack in the kitchen, clean up after yourself. Rinse your dirty dishes and put them in the dishwasher.

Everyone is responsible for his or her own laundry.

Everyone participates in a once-a-week cabin cleanup of common areas. As well, each person is responsible for keeping his or her private space (bedroom, work area) clean according to mutually agreed-upon standards.

No leaving wet towels or dirty clothes on the bathroom floor. Clean up the tub or shower after yourself.

Let others know in advance if you need to watch (or record) a certain TV program for work or school. Check with others before you play loud music. If you need to leave a project out overnight in a common area, get approval before you begin.

Take thorough phone messages for each other.

In every room: make sure your trash is in the trash can. (No matter how much we love our kids, picking up their used tissues, scraps of paper, food, and garbage is disgusting.)

Rules change as children grow and circumstances change. When you make changes, make sure to notify everyone of the changes.

I hope some of this helped. Will be happy to discuss further...or later.

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Oak Ridge, Tenn.: I know that you recommend that each person take care of things they like to do (as far as chores), but what if there are things neither person likes to do? How do you assign these responsibilities?

Kathy Peel: Good question. Few people enjoy cleaning bathrooms. No one in our house does. But we like clean bathrooms. Any chore like this ...we rotated because it has to be done.

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Raleigh, N.C.: I read about your Family Manager Coaches. How can one help me? Are the things they suggest the same thing I can read in one of your books? Thank you!

Kathy Peel: Email contactus@familymanager.com. I will have a coach contact you. Family Manager Coaches help people apply the strategies in my books. It's a faster track to getting your home under control than doing it all yourself. Plus, when you work with a coach you will do our very cool FM assessment. It's online and takes 20-30 minutes. It helps you identify your goals and priorities for each department, assesses stress levels about different areas, evaluates what you need to do to use your time better and get your family working like a team. When you submit, our system summarizes and creates a personalized action plan coach helps you implement.

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Chapel Hill, N.C.: Copied from the blog: "Your suggestions seem like more work than truly necessary. Sure, one needs to organize chores etc., but in most cases, just setting up a chore list and saying "no-extras" until the chores are done works plenty fine enough. Why do you believe management techniques are truly necessary in family situations? In what situations did this seeming "overkill" end up saving you time/money/stress?"

Kathy Peel: All I can tell you is that I'm a sane person with a happy marriage and a strong family after using these strategies for 30+ years. But please don't get the idea that we were legalistic about it ...or trying to create some kind of rigid environment. We are very hang loose and fun. It's just that when you have some SOPs (routines) family members know whose turn it is to take out the trash and what's expected of everyone.

And when you do Advance Work, you're not crazy at the last minute. And truly...running your home via departments will change your life. I know that sounds rash, but it's true. Instead of getting up in the morning and saying...I have so much to do, I don't know where to start ....you look at the day's tasks via department. Here are the departments:

* Home and Property -- overseeing the maintenance and care of all your tangible assets, including your belongings, your house and its surroundings, and your vehicles

* Food -- meeting the daily food and nutritional needs of your family

* Family and Friends -- dealing with relational responsibilities as a parent and spouse, and with extended family, friends, and neighbors

* Finances -- managing the budget, bill-paying, saving, investing, and charitable giving

* Special Events -- planning and coordinating occasions -- birthdays, holidays, vacations, garage sales, family reunions, and celebrations -- that fall outside your normal routine

* Time and Scheduling -- managing the family calendar and daily schedule; dispatching the right people to the right place at the right time with the right equipment

* Self Management -- caring for your body, nurturing your mind, and spirit

Then...use a Daily Hit List to order your day. (free download at familymanager.com) Selectively choosing each day what you will Do, Delete, and Delegate will help alleviate the stress and panic caused by excessive demands on your time and energy.

Again, don't take the business strategy thing too far...just use the principles to help you manage well.

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Lees Summit, Mo. : I have a 9-month-old and a five-year-old. How in the world do I get the 5-year-old to clean up her toys and messes so that the 9-month-old doesn't choke/play with/mess up her toys and projects?

Kathy Peel: Decide which toys are dangerous (legos, paints, etc.) and explain the danger to your 5 year old. Allow those types of toys out, say, when your 9 year old is napping, or maybe in a special place that you can close or sector off. And make the messy toys easy for your 5 to pick up quickly. A clean dustpan is perfect for legos. An old shower curtain is a great drop cloth for messy projects.

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Full Time vs. SAHM: How do you handle the backhanded compliments from stay-at-home moms who snidely make comments about how "clean" your house is? I'm the family manager, but we just don't have all the time in the world to keep it stepford-wife clean. How do I respond to the SAHM sect who criticize my housekeeping?

Kathy Peel: Stepford-wife clean isn't a good thing anyway. I would rather a home be a little messy and less than clean, than spic and span...and not a fun place. Usually, spic and span means someone has to nag to keep it that way. There are just more important things in life. Trust me, your kids won't grow up and remember if the towels were folded in perfect 16-in squares in the linen closet, but they WILL remember if home was a good place to be and mom was a fun person to be with. My blood pressure's rising at the thought of these moms saying what they did to you!

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Oak Ridge, Tenn.: What types of household chores are good for younger children? I have a 2-year-old and and 5-year-old, and I'm just not sure what kinds of chores they can handle at these stages.

Kathy Peel: There is a list of age-appropriate chores in the "Busy Moms" book. If I have time before we finish, I will try to find the list and paste it in.

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Arlington, Va.: I'm going to be a new mom this fall. Do you have a top five or ten things I should do to prepare to be organized before the baby comes? It is hard enough just being pregnant and juggling the job, husband, house, family, etc...

Kathy Peel: Congratulations!

Here are a few thoughts...I'm pasting in some things I've written before, and will make some other comments at the end.

* Make clear, in a gracious way, whether you and your husband want any family or friends in the waiting room, birthing or delivery room, or at home when you return with the baby. Stick to your decision, no matter who tries to enforce their preferences on you.

* Create a list of tasks people can do when they ask if they can help. This way you can take them up on their offers in practical ways once the baby is born. For those eager to help, in addition to bringing in meals, let them do laundry, run errands, and chauffer older kids to their various commitments. They could also babysit one night a week so you and your husband could go out.

After the birth:

* Avoid drop-ins when you or your baby is sleeping by hanging a friendly "Do not disturb -- family napping" sign on the front door.

* Without guilt, take the personal time you need to bond with your child.

Other thoughts...

Before each of my children was born, I purchased a 3-ring binder and pocket dividers to help me organize the mounds of information surrounding their birth and my first months as a new mother. This way I could easily transport and access important records and notes, information sheets from my doctor, emergency contact numbers, and helpful tips and articles to read when I found a few spare minutes. Although you may keep some of this information in your computer or PDA, there are still papers you need a binder for.

Also, if you are returning to work, start back at the end of the week rather than the beginning. Wednesday or

Thursday start days give you enough time to see how you will have to adjust your schedule.

Work with your child care or daycare provider to make your transition back to work as smooth as possible. Consider doing a "test-run" where you arrange childcare for a half-day only or try to visit during a full-day.

And, most importantly use the "Who's Responsible for What" form I'm going to tell everyone about when I close. This will help you and your husband divvy up tasks.

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Arlington, Va.: I realize you aren't a marriage counselor, but suppose you have a spouse who is unwilling to help out at all with organizing or picking up the home? Barring the intervention of a counselor or a dramatic change in behavior from said spouse, what can you do to keep some order? Fortunately, this is not my situation, but I am watching a friend with a toddler go through it right now, and it is (as you might imagine) very difficult. It's causing a lot of problems for the family as a whole.

Kathy Peel: I'm not avoiding your question because it's a really good one. I'm not sure from what perspective to answer you, though. Are you planning to talk to your friend about this? Has she asked for advice?

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Washington, D.C.: I live in a three floor townhouse. I own a lot of books and cds from my college days. My 5-year-old loves legos and building sets. My 2-year-old is unbelievably inquisitive and loves to take things apart or open cabinets. Friday night we came home, I started warming up leftovers, my better half returned telephone messages and within 7 minutes there were legos covering, not a joke, a 12-foot space between our living room and dining room and the little one had taken all the kids books off of one shelf and pulled sofa cushions off the sofa. Literally within 7 minutes the house was a total wreck. The 5-year-old angrily cleaned up, but the 2-year-old just kept pulling things down until we sat there in the mess and got his undivided attention. Last weekend I used the bathroom and when I came out the little guy had emptied out an entire cabinet in the kitchen -- in no more than five minutes! I have to be able to use the bathroom. Is there any hope for us?

Kathy Peel: Absolutely there is hope for you! We just need to get some SOPs and "house rules" into place. Is it mostly the kids stuff that's making you crazy...or the books and CDs? Please clarify what you'd like to change. And...let yourself dream. What would make home a good place to be...for you?

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Detroit: Hi Kathy. My family's biggest area of concern is laundry. There are clothes EVERYWHERE -- in the hamper, on the floor, in the washer and dryer. I feel like I can't keep on top of it. We try to do it in batches, but it never gets put away! We only have one daughter and are pretty good about getting her stuff put away, but there is a lot less of it than ours. We're having another baby in December, and I know the amount of laundry a baby requires, so I want to get into some good habits to get our stuff under control before adding to it! Can you help me?

Kathy Peel: First, let's pretend that you were all caught up and everyone's clothes were where they are supposed to be. (Work with me here...) Now, what are your daily routines/habits that would cause laundry/clothing to get out of control again? I want to learn a little more before I write back.

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Chevy Chase, Md.: Isn't the key to a busy mom's life the husband? My friends' husbands sit on the sofa watching TV while they cook, discipline the kids, etc. and when dinner's done, they go back to the sofa and zone out while the women clean up. What's the solution to these lazy husbands? And why do women let them get away with it?

Kathy Peel: Well, first of all, those who let their husbands get away with this are not doing a good thing for their marriage/relationship. A few thoughts...

I don't mean to sound sexist, but in my experience I've found that a lot of men don't understand what it takes to keep a home and family operating. But really, if I walked into my husband's office and wanted to help out, I wouldn't know all that needed to be done. In a family (like in a business) continuing ed of team members is important. If I were talking to your friend, here's what I would say.

Pick a night. Farm the kids out or get a baby sitter and go out for dinner. (pick a time in the month when you don't have raging hormones and you can hang on to yourself :))

Before the dinner, print off the "Who's Responsible for What" list (see my closing). You will use this to talk to him about your job description as family manager -- without blaming. Keep in mind that reason, not emotion, usually catches a man's attention.

Before you talk about your frustrations and feelings, listen to his. Make sure he knows you want to be on his team before you ask him to join yours. Your appeal will carry a lot more weight if he feels like you're on his team, care about his world, and understand his stress.

Don't manipulate or try to motivate with guilt. It accomplishes litlee and many times worsens the situation.

Search your heart...has your husband tried to help in the past but it wasn't up to your standards? If so, you need to say so and apologize.

Tell him you want home to be a good place for all of you...and you want to be a good wife, mom. But you feel stressed because of all you've got to do, and you'd like to talk about splitting up duties so that home is a good place for all.

I've found that when men see the list and understand that you want to be on his team, they'll get on board.

Consider that many men like choices. After a TV interview on Family Management and team building, the producer of the show, who is also a husband and father of three, told me his wife's secret to success. She gives me choices, he said. Men don't like to be told what to do -- especially if it involves things they don't like to do or things about which they feel inept. My wife will hand me a list on Saturday of maybe twenty chores than need to be done around the house, and she'll ask me to pick ten or twelve. This way I can choose what I feel I can succeed at.

There's more I could say, but I'm out of time. I hope this helps.

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Orange line: Just a quick note -- you responded to Arlington, Va's comment about being pregnant with a reference to her husband...I am certain you didn't mean anything by it, but many of your readers are moms with partners. Thanks!

Kathy Peel: I apologize! I'm typing so fast, my keyboard is smoking. Thanks for bringing this up.

The Family Manager system/strategies work for all couples, as well as individuals. Everyone has to run those seven departments of their life. All can benefit from SOPs and advance work. I even speak sometimes to college students about this. It's just a good way to manage life.

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Kathy Peel: I loved all the questions. A few parting words...every couple/family would benefit from using a "Who's Responsible for What" list. When you communicate about what has to be done, then negotiate who's going to do it and come up with expectations, things run a lot smoother. You don't do this just once. Try dividing things a certain way for a while, then come back together and talk about what's working and what's not.

There's so much more I would love to say about this and other aspects of family management...but time is up. Thanks for participating in this forum. It tells me you care about being a great parent and family manager. You can contact me through my web site: www.familymanager.com

Thanks, Kathy

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