The Root: Black Family Seeks Nanny

Did you see the story about the New York mother who posted a very detailed want ad for a nanny? It got Houston-based writer Meera Bowman-Johnson thinking about what kind of ad she would write if she were looking for a Mary Poppins of her own. The result is her article for The Root, Black Family Seeks Nanny.

One thing on her list? " Know how to cornrow. Of course you can still work for me if, even if up until now, you thought cornrows came from Iowa -- but you better be ready to learn how to care for my children's hair. It would be great if I could hand you some Carol's Daughter and a wide-toothed comb, fully confident that you can take care of the rest. Most mornings, my 6-year-old screams if I so much as even try to make a part down the center of her head, so you'll need to know how to step in when I'm a split end away from cutting it all off."

Meera Bowman-Johnson was online Wednesday, September 17 to discuss her article. She welcomed questions and comments about experiences dealing with child care.

A transcript follows.

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Meera Bowman-Johnson: Thanks so much for your feedback regarding my recent essay for The Root, "Black Family Seeks Nanny". I value your thoughts regarding the special concerns that many mothers of color share -- and issues we might face -- in the process of hiring child care for our children. Let's get comfortable and chat.

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Fellow mother: Tell it, Meera! There are SO many more cultural considerations that go into hiring a nanny/sitter for our kids, things I'm sure the others never have to consider. Indeed, we went THROUGH it when we lived in the Northeast and had to find someone to come into our home and care for our two daughters. It was NOT easy. We had one walk our baby, not even age 1 yet, to the bank to cuss out her ex man's new girlfriend, another who thought it was okay to sleep in in the mornings, even as we nervously placed our baby in the bed with her while we tiptoed out to work, and yet another to tell us that we're not like "other black people; you work hard and you're not lazy like the rest of them." Yes, she said that to our face. We just knew that none of these women would have done or said this if we were white folks. That's real. Thanks for putting words to what we've felt all along...

Meera Bowman-Johnson: I'm glad you enjoyed reading it -- thanks for sharing your experiences. While much of my essay was tongue in cheek, many black moms like you and I have had a greater challenge finding suitable nannies/sitters for our families for a number of reasons. I thought it was just me, until I found this article a couple of years ago: www.nytimes.com/2006/12/26/us/26nannies.html

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Athens, GA: Just a comment that I enjoyed your article about an ad for a nanny. Even though we are white, I feel your pain as you are trying to do your daughter's hair. Every morning there are tears and shrieks as I try to comb through my daughter's long curly hair. After we are done I always feel as though I need a glass of wine to calm back down, and it is only 8 am.

Meera Bowman-Johnson: Thanks for reading. I feel your pain -- and I'm sure our daughters feel each others' pain, too. I think that combs are great for parting, but brushes are best for curly heads (though my child still howls, either way). There are great tips in a book called Curly Girl, by Lorraine Massey.

The bright spot at the end of this tunnel is that one day, they'll be big enough to do their own hair... we can raise our glasses to that.

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Phoenix, AZ: It is harder to find a Black nanny because many nanny agencies don't have enough, however, many au pair agenices recruit from African countries. I have had four nannies over the years: one from Ghana, one from Mexico, one from Namibia (a young man) and a Botswana girl. Except for the Mexican girl, they came with the knowledge of the importance of putting lotion on my little boy's body and how to comb his hair. Being from English-speaking African countries, they also spoke the Queen's English, although with a dialect, which saved me from having to correct what he might have picked up from a sitter from the 'hood. It worked for me. Gotta run. My current nanny is whipping up some plantains for dinner tonight!

Meera Bowman-Johnson: It's great that the au pair agencies were willing to honor your concerns and help find help that you felt was best for your family. I think au pairs are a great way to to expose children to different cultures. And particularly for black American families, it's a great way to introduce kids to the nuances of the African diaspora at an early age.

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Reston, VA: Hello Mz. Bowman-Johnson. I loved your article. As a white woman, I think the only way we can put stupidity behind us all is to be lovingly honest.

And thanks for the link to Carol's Daughter! It's so hard to find a nice scalp treatment!

Meera Bowman-Johnson: Three words: Mimosa Hair Honey! Thank you for reading, glad you enjoyed it.

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Indianapolis, IN: Have you had any babysitting horror stories?

Meera Bowman-Johnson: A few - crossing all ethnic and socio-economic boundaries.

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Ellicott City: Meera - I hear you. I'd also add the following:

1. I am your sister, and possibly your friend - but I am also your boss and I need you to be reliable.

2. I'll explain once why my son has to go to the barber weekly and why my daughter should not be allowed to dunk her head under the water in the tub... but only once.

3. Yes, I need to oil their hair, not constantly wash the oil out.

4. JUST because BET has "black" in the name, it is not a cultural resource for my kids.

Another persnickety mom who is terribly happy that her kids are past the nanny stage but fearing she'll need an au pair in about 2 years and will be in the same boat you were...

Meera Bowman-Johnson: Loved this list! Thanks for reading, glad you enjoyed it. Best of luck with finding the "right" help.

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anonymous: I enjoyed your post. Just wondering... if Land Soodak had written her same post but omitted any reference to being wealthy, do you think the fanfare/backlash would have occurred? Is there a socially sanctioned hatred of wealthy white women? Why do you think Eric Konigsberg (NY Times reporter) failed to mention that the Soodaks purposely hire women in transition (students about to graduate, graduates new to NYC) and that accounts for most of the turnover? That at least 7 of the family's former nannies continue to keep in warm contact with Land Soodak... Why did Mr. Konigsberg tell Land Soodak that he wanted to do a story on how her post flew around the blogs and resonated with so many women, and then included mostly negative excerpts of blogs and her post, out of context, when he knew that the overwhelming response by mothers and nannies was one of identification? FYI the original post can be found on Craigslist's Best Of section.

Meera Bowman-Johnson: Thanks for reading, glad you enjoyed it. I think RLS's post definitely belongs in craiglist's "best of".

"Is there a socially sanctioned hatred of wealthy white women?"

I don't think so. But there are many women - of all races - who would love to be able to work or not work, have nannies, summer houses and shop at Bergdorf's whenever. (And don't forget the regular spa treatments!) It might be more haterade than hatred. But it's nothing personal.

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Mother of Three: As a white Hispanic professional woman with three children, I read this article with great interest and have thought about it several times since first reading it. Partly I thought about how I have no idea how to cornrow and would be disqualified for this nanny job! But I also thought about how I always hire Hispanic babysitters, because that is what I am comfortable with, because they speak Spanish to my kids, and because I share a culture with them - and they can help teach my children a language and a culture I want my children to know and love. The choice of the person whom we share the responsibility of raising our children is a complicated question. I think it is foolish to deny that cultural awareness are important issues to all of us who are not part of the mainstream culture, and who want to be sure that our children grow up proud of their cultural heritage.

Meera Bowman-Johnson: Thanks for reading. Raising kids who are proud of their cultural heritage is a #1 concern of mine. Any caregiver who helps foster those feelings is someone who's good to have around. I'm glad you could relate to the essay.

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Savannah, GA: Do you think the reluctance to work for black families is worse in black nannies, or this an across-the-spectrum problem? Do Au Pairs from overseas express the same reluctance?

Meera Bowman-Johnson: I didn't mention this in the essay, but I've encountered resistance from black caregivers in the U.S. on more than one occasion. I needed a baby nurse for a few weeks after my twins were born, and the West Indian nanny I planned to use made 1000 excuses why she couldn't work for us almost as soon as I sent the baby pictures. She was gung ho up until that.

Later, when we moved to TX, one nanny - who advertised herself as black on craigslist - came over with a portfolio of pics of the kids she cared for (all blue-eyed and blonde, boys mostly). She was prepared to show me all of he credentials, but when I called her to come and actually babysit, she had an attitiude: "I TOLD you I have church on Wednesdays!". I couldn't imagine her acting that way to the moms of the kids in the pictures I saw.

I really do have a friend who always uses black German au pairs. I never knew why she requested black and German. But before doing so, her experiences with caregivers from the States were similar to mine.

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Speaking of nannies and the Internet...: has anyone out there seen the site "I Saw Your Nanny"??? People write in and say they saw a nanny in the park that was on the phone/speaking sharply to/giving junk food to/etc. her charges. I get the "it takes a village" spirit but this also strikes me as just creepy! Do moms go on the site to see if someone is telling on their nannies?

Meera Bowman-Johnson: I've always wondered how those folks can tell if it's the nanny and not the mommy. I'm just happy that on the (few, mostly) days I raise my voice at my blonde-haired kid for having a tantrum in public, nobody mistakes me as his nanny and reports me.

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from Auntie: hahahaha, mine would say... if you were babysitting my teenage nieces: 1. must have thick skin for inappropriate comments about your coolness, weight, gray hairs, diet or appearance. 2. must like or be able to tolerate Beyonce and Li'l Wayne. 3. must be able to communicate via text message 4. must be okay with requests for fast food, though expensive restaurants are OK as well 5. must be willing to drive to nearest upscale mall 6. must be willing to initiate physical activity, preferably upscale like swimming or golf or tennis lessons 7. must be willing to tune out complaining

Meera Bowman-Johnson: LOL Thanks for reading.

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Washington, DC: I understand it is hard to find a good nanny. However, it can be difficult to find a good family to work for. I wish more families would put their neuroses out like the mom in New York. I have been an au pair in Europe for a family that saw me as a maid and second mother with all the work that comes with it. The wealthy DC family I worked for expected me to do housework the day after I suffered a serious broken leg on their Christmas family trip that forced me to miss the holidays with my own family. Another family was wonderful and flexible and as such made me want to go the extra mile for them. It is so important for families to keep in mind that they need help- not another parent. Working as a nanny was great, but often I was left with the schedule of a parent and unable to visit with friends or attend activities I was interested in as I "had the kids that night." Please understand the sacrifices we make for you to have more peace of mind.

Meera Bowman-Johnson: Many moms don't realize that you get more with honey than vinegar. Except for delightful smiling children, I can't offer many perks (like iPhones), but I've found that mutual respect goes a long way.

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Meera Bowman-Johnson: Thanks for taking time out to read the essay and join the conversation. Hopefully, the more we discuss issues like these, the better we'll be at finding out what "works" for our families. Have a wonderful day.

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