Chatological Humor: Post Politics Hour

aka Tuesdays With Moron

Gene Weingarten's humor column, Below the Beltway, appears every Sunday in The Washington Post magazine. It is syndicated nationally by the Washington Post Writers Group.

At one time or another, Below the Beltway has managed to offend persons of both sexes as well as individuals belonging to every religious, ethnic, regional, political and socioeconomic group. If you know of a group we have missed, please write in and the situation will be promptly rectified. "Rectified" is a funny word.

On Tuesdays at noon, Gene is online to take your questions and abuse. He will chat about anything. Although this chat is updated regularly throughout the week, it is not and never will be a "blog," even though many persons keep making that mistake. One reason for the confusion is the Underpants Paradox: Blogs, like underpants, contain "threads," whereas this chat contains no "threads" but, like underpants, does sometimes get funky and inexcusable.

This Week's Poll: Door 1: I Lean Republican | Door 2: I lean Democratic

Not chat day? Visit the Gene Pool.

Important, secret note to readers: The management of The Washington Post apparently does not know this chat exists, or it would have been shut down long ago. Please do not tell them. Thank you.

Weingarten is also the author of "The Hypochondriac's Guide to Life. And Death" and co-author of "I'm with Stupid," with feminist scholar Gina Barreca.

New to Chatological Humor? Read the FAQ.

P.S. If composing your questions in Microsoft Word please turn off the Smart Quotes functionality or use WordPad. I haven't the time to edit them out. -- Liz

-----

Gene Weingarten: Good afternoon.

These are, I am reliably informed, the Jewish High Holy Days. They are also a time of dreadful financial crisis. These two facts come together in an old joke, which I retell here. (Alert to gentiles and bad Jews like me: To "daven" is to rock back and forth in a type of prayer. "Tefillin" is a thing you strap on you when you pray. )

Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home one night when he passed a pet store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish, "Quawwwwk ... vus machst du ... yeah, du ... outside, standing like a schmuck ... eh?"

Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. He couldn't believe it. The proprietor sprang out of the door and grabbed Meyer by the sleeve. "Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot."

Meyer stood in front of an African Grey that cocked his little head and said, "Vus? Ir kentst reddin Yiddish?"

Meyer turned excitedly to the store owner. "He speaks Yiddish?"

In a matter of moments, Meyer had placed $500 down on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him. All night he talked with the parrot in Yiddish. He told the parrot about his father's adventures coming to America, about how beautiful his mother was when she was a young bride, about his family, about his years of working in the garment center, about Florida. The parrot listened and commented. They shared some walnuts. The parrot told him of living in the pet store, how he hated the weekends. Finally, they both went to sleep.

Next morning, Meyer began to put on his tefillin, all the while saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing, and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted to do it too. Meyer went out and handmade a miniature set of tefillin for the parrot. The parrot wanted to learn to daven, so Meyer taught him how read Hebrew, and taught him every prayer in the Siddur with the appropriate nussach for the daily services. Meyer spent weeks and months sitting and teaching the parrot the Torah, Mishnah and Gemara. In time, Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and a Jew.

On the morning of Rosh Hashanah, Meyer rose, got dressed and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that Shul was not a place for a bird, but the parrot made a terrific argument and was carried to Shul on Meyer's shoulder. Needless to say, they made quite a sight when they arrived at the Shul, and Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi and Cantor, who refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days. However, Meyer convinced them to let him in this one time, swearing that the parrot could daven.

Wagers were made with Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet (even money) that the parrot could NOT daven, could not speak Yiddish or Hebrew, etc. All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched on Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and song passed -- Meyer heard not a peep from the bird. He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, "Daven!"

Nothing.

"Daven ... feigelleh, please! You can daven, so daven ... come on, everybody's looking at you! I have big money riding on this."

Nothing.

After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Meyer found that he owed his Shul buddies and the Rabbi over $4,000. He marched home quite upset, saying nothing. Finally several blocks from the Shul, the bird, happy as a lark, began to sing an old Yiddish song. Meyer stopped and looked at him.

"You miserable bird, you cost me over $4,000. Why? After I made your tefillin, taught you the morning prayers, and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to Shul on Rosh Hashanah, why? Why did you do this to me?"

"Don't be a schlemiel," the parrot replied. "Do you realize what odds we'll get next week at Yom Kippur?!"

--

My point is -- isn't today the PERFECT time to invest in the market? The parrot was silent yesterday, but this bailout IS going to happen, sooner rather than later. And however real the recovery will be, it's going to be a wild ride upward for a while. No?

---

Of all the delightful footage of Sarah Palin's extended interview with Katie Couric -- which CBS has been slowly spooning out, like Beluga caviar, so it can be savored over time -- perhaps the most interesting is this 10-second exchange.

Katie, exasperated, asks Sarah one last time if she can come up with any examples of John McCain supporting deregulation even once during his 26 years in government. Never losing her chipper smile, Sarah says:

"I... I'll try to find ya some, and I'll bring 'em to ya!"

The trite comparison is to a befuddled beauty contestant, like poor old Ms. Teen South Carolina. But I kept watching this again and again, because it was reminding me of something else. Finally, The Rib figured it out. She said: This is exactly the same voice and demeanor, and just as annoying, as a waitress asking: "Are ya guys still workin' on that?"

Sarah, I love you so.

Hey, someone pointed out that this is a Palin-drome: "Harass Sarah."

Also, Palin anagrams to "A Sharp Nail." Only the blackboard is missing.

--

Leaving Sarah for a moment, but only partly, I was having a conversation with a friend of mine yesterday, and the subject of psychics came up, which led to a spirited gender-based discussion and, in short order to... Today's Instapoll!

MEN | WOMEN

--

Today's CPOW: Sunday's Doonesbury. First Runners-up: Today's Candorville and today's Brewster Rockit. Honorables: Wednesday's Speed Bump, Saturday's Pooch Cafe, and Monday's Pooch Cafe.

Can anyone explain today's Pearls? Is this a regional thing? Has anyone ever seen such a semicircle?

_______________________

Vegan at Sea: Hi Gene, greetings from 20 miles south of the Big Island. Isolated as we are, discussions have progressed to the logical extreme, which makes your ultimate arbitration necessary. May a vegan consume his or her own body products? Will miss the live chat (unless I crawl out of my bunk at 0600 hrs), so to follow up on a qualified answer: "does the nature of the body product matter?" Naturally, there was a progressive ick factor when the broad range of potentially edible body parts was presented: One's own blood, as when you bite your lip; fingernails/hangnails; scabs; boogers; and the climactic issue, about which the discussion evolved (branching from a discussion of cultural practices versus dietary considerations), placenta. So, are any or all of these acceptable consumables for a vegan, albeit in the cultural context for placenta.

And, where did we conclude with honey?

Mahalo.

Gene Weingarten: Good questions!

Honey, we have already concluded, is a no-go. It results from the enslavement of bees. I put your other questions to my friend Bruce Friedrich, the national PETA spokesperson and head of their vegan campaign. Here is his answer:

"How about if it is okay to take communion if you believe in transubstantiation?

"Veganism is not a laundry list of ingredients or some purity contest (though the Simpsons did have a funny thing about a "level 5" vegan who consumed only air). Veganism is an ethic that is focused on limiting one's support for cruelty, so obvious support for abuse (e.g., eating dairy, eggs, meat) would be out, but something that didn't cause suffering would not be a problem.

"BTW, we get the transubstantiation question now and then, but in 20 years of talking about veganism, I've never been asked about sucking your own blood or eating a human placenta, so bravo for originality!"

--

So to make it clear, I asked Bruce for a final answer: Can a vegan morally and ethically eat the meat of a human placenta?

Answer: Yes.

You have it here first. A world premier.

_______________________

Employment of anagrams: Joe Biden = I need job.

Gene Weingarten: Very nice.

Also:

Biden = I bend.

_______________________

Impalin' Palin: Shouldn't the Dems be using Hillary Clinton to go after Palin? I mean, isn't she really the only one -- being a woman and therefore immune from the whole "picking on a woman" nonsense -- who can get in there with the gloves off and point out this woman's ineptitude?

Gene Weingarten: I doubt if Hillary is willing to do it, and tarnish her creds with women.

It is one reason, however, that the Couric interview was so endlessly devastating. This was not ol' Charlie Gibson. This was woman on woman.

Gene Weingarten: Er, as it were. Woman on woman action.

_______________________

Santa Fe, NM: Gene, although I'm relatively new to the Weingarten Universe, I'm pretty sure that in that brief time you've covered every bathroom-related topic except this one: my husband is a silent pee-er. Doesn't matter which toilet (and no, he's not using the sink - we have a little "commode room" within our bathroom, so no faking). I think he pees against the bowl instead of into the water. Why does he do this? Why don't more men do this? What does this say about him that he deviates from the norm like this? I think it's pretty cool. If I could not have everyone in the other room hear my flow, I'd love it.

Gene Weingarten: I do this when in someone else's house! And find it so interesting as a behavioral quirk that I wrote it into a play.

_______________________

Not quite 10-1: Just for fun, I checked the vote totals as of 10:40 eastern: 2,100 "lean Democrat" to 270 "lean Republican." That sounds about right, and certainly explains the general tenor of the discussions.

By the way, I'm voting for McCain, but I'm not happy about it. If he loses, the country could really be in trouble for the next four years, plus all those influential Hollywood types will come home from France and Britain.

But if McCain wins, he gets to be the perceived face of conservatism--which he's not--for as long as he's president, and we may never get back to the way things ought to be.

Gene Weingarten: You've put your finger on something interesting here.

You're not voting for McCain so much as you are voting against Obama. I think that is true of many who are voting Republican.

I think most who are voting Democratic are voting for someone not against someone else. It's certainly true for me. I don't think that's ever been true for me before. Even in 1972, my first vote, I was voting more against Nixon than for McGovern, whom I thought a little wacko.

The introduction of Sarah the Unready has mitigated the purity of this position a little.

_______________________

Just my imagination or.....: I'm surprised that no one has commented on the obvious similarities between the John McCain story and "The Manchurian Candidate":

- Captured in a Communist country and held for a long period of time - Returns home a war hero amid eerily identical accolades from his cellmates - Displays erratic and unusual behavior afterward (extra-marital sex and a strong interest in politics) - Gets a high government position that "suddenly" becomes available (Goldwater Senate seat)

The Commies just didn't think that, by the time he gets to where they want to activate him, no one plays solitare with cards anymore.

I'm just saying.

Gene Weingarten: And his Mom is still alive!

_______________________

Arlington, Va.: I'm thinking of the upcoming VP debate. What's the best way for Biden to totally crush Palin, with humor and without humiliating her?

Gene Weingarten: Whenever he follows her in a question, assuming her previous answer had been Palinesque, he should hesitate just a second while looking at her, no smirk, just a moment of disbelief, then launch into a direct and informed answer to the question.

He cannot do much more than that. He must not look smug. This is something the American public needs to figure out on its own.

I think we have a clue as to how Biden will behave based on how Obama behaved when asked about Palin during an interview with Bob Schieffer. Here is an excerpt:

SCHIEFFER: Senator McCain's running mate, Sarah Palin, claimed in an interview that Alaska's proximity to Russia somehow enhances her foreign policy experience and credentials. Do you agree with that?

Sen. OBAMA: I will let the American people make a judgment on that.

SCHIEFFER: Well, do you believe she's qualified?


Sen. OBAMA: Again, I think it's important for the American people to make a judgment based on what they hear from Sarah Palin herself. More importantly, I think we're electing a president before--alongside a vice president, but the president ultimately is going to be in charge. I think what people have to ask themselves, is John McCain equipped to deal with the 21st century challenges that we have?

SCHIEFFER: But...

Sen. OBAMA: Is he able to look to the future and not to the past?

SCHIEFFER: But don't you think what she says is important?

Sen. OBAMA: Well, I...



SCHIEFFER: I mean, she could be a heartbeat away from the presidency.


Sen. OBAMA: I think it is important, and the--I think that I'm more concerned about the fact that she doesn't seem to have any differences with President Bush when it comes to foreign policy and would continue, as John McCain would, the same policies that we've seen over the last eight years that have, I believe, weakened our position in the world.

---

So, no, I don't think Biden will deviate much from this non-script. I am glad that the moderator, Gwen Ifill, is a woman.

_______________________

Weird head tingling: Okay, here's a strange one for you...

Ever since I was five years old, at certain times my scalp gets a really pleasurable tingling all over -- kind of like a scalp orgasm. The kicker is that this happens only when someone stuns me by saying something unexpectedly stupid! Really!!

It first happened at my family's yard sale when an older girl wanted to buy some wooden bowls and couldn't figure out how to count up by fives (they were 5 cents each). Since then, if I come upon a salesperson giving wildly erroneous pitches for their products, I'll ask them questions just to keep them talking and the feeling going....

What the heck is this, and am I the only one who has this happen? (It's rather awesome, by the way.)

Gene Weingarten: With the exception of micturation syncope (explanation to follow) yours may be the strangest sensation-related oddity of which I've heard. And I've heard a lot.

I have no clue. Would love to hear from a doctor.

Micturation syncope is a vasovagal reaction in which people faint every time they pee.

_______________________

Debate, IN: I find it strange that so many people think that Obama won the debate. I actually did not watch the debate, but I did LISTEN to it over the radio. Based on voice alone, McCain struggled in the beginning but really got his ground later on. I was surprised how calm and well he spoke. Obama on the other hand seemed to stutter and pause a lot more. I was convinced that McCain was going to win the debate and was shocked that everyone thought Obama had one.

BTW I am a democrat true and blue. Maybe I was just being more critical of Obama.

Gene Weingarten: You've hit an interesting and historic point here: Appearance and demeanor matter a lot.

In 1960, about half the audience for the first nixon-Kennedy debate were radio listeners, and about half saw it on TV. The listeners tended to think Nixon won handily. The viewers though Kennedy had won. Nixon had looked like hell that day: His eyes were darting, he had a five o'clock shadow poorly covered over with pancake makeup, and he was tired from the effects of a cold. He was also probably slightly better on the issues. Nixon and Kennedy were about the same age, but Kennedy looked a lot younger and more vigorous.

The difference in apparance between Obama and McCain was also startling. Apart from the stark difference in their ages, McCain retains that part-crafty, part-goofy smile, which he deploys often when the other guy is speaking. It looks like a slimy tactic. More important, Obama looked smooth and unruffled, the more presidential of the two.

Obama does need to lose that stutter-stammer at the start of his responses -- it's his way of throat clearing, but it comes out hesitant or, worse, self-doubting. But when you're WATCHING him do it, it's clear he's just fumbling all over himself out of eagerness to begin a good answer. It's a sort of champing at the bit to get going.

This was a fairly close, fairly boring debate. My view is that Obama won by a bit because he did the most important thing he had to do in front of the many half-disconnected white voters who were seeing him closely for the first time: As noted on Daily Kos, Obama looked more like Will Smith than Wesley Snipes. A black person they are not afraid of or threatened by, and can feel proud to like.

_______________________

DC: A democrat...in the poll I really wanted to say he should start skewering Palin, because she's such an easy target. And it's so painfully obvious she is way in over her head.

But it's like they've set the trap. Dangling the lure, just waiting. Her Teflon is starting to wear, but she's still untouchable, I fear. What is so clearly apparent to me (and everyone else I know) won't ever be admitted by her "supporters". Any effort to question, critique, or state the truth about her will only backfire. AND IT'S REALLY PISSING ME OFF!!!

Don't get me wrong, it's amusing as hell, but really...

Gene Weingarten: Sorry, but I love her. I want her to stay and stay and stay.

_______________________

Bubblyuri, NE: There's bubbles, and there's bubbles. Foamy urine is one symptom of proteinuria (protein in the urine, a sign of possible kidney malfunction)and should prompt a visit to an internist or nephrologist for testing. (The test requires collection of one's urine over a 24-hour period and should probably be done over the weekend, as hauling around a three-liter jug of pee could raise questions at the office or on the Metro.)

Gene Weingarten: This is true! I checked it out.

Another cause of protein in the urine is, ah, going Number Three. Four different men reported bubbles in the first urination after sex.

_______________________

Gene Weingarten: Today's CLOD is this one, which has inevitably surfaced on the Web. The thing I like most about it is Sarah's swimsuit, because of how unattractively revealing it is in a squatting plumber sort of way. But a close second is the stripper music.

Gene Weingarten: I am unnecesarily adding to my own observation because a glitch in the chat software compels me to.

_______________________

Theophyla, CT: Didja catch Get Fuzzy today (Thursday)? Darby Conley slipped a fast one past the editors.

washingtonpost.com: Get Fuzzy, (Sept. 25)

Gene Weingarten: That's nowhere near the worst Darby has snuck.

_______________________

Re: Voting FOR someone: Gene, you are right on the money. I've only been voting in presidential elections since '96, but still every vote felt like a choice between the lesser of two evils. When I left the voting booth on primary day, I was GIDDY. I have never voted FOR someone before, and it's exhilarating!

Gene Weingarten: It's an amazing and depressing fact of American politics that we so often are really excited about our candidate.

I suspect there are some backers of McCain who feel the same this year.

And I know a lot of Repubs felt that way about Reagan.

_______________________

re: toilet question: I think I learned this here: scoot forward on the seat to pee and you won't be as loud. I actually do this at home in the middle of the night.

Gene Weingarten: The distaff weighs in.

_______________________

Baltimore, Md.: Is it just me, or does "Country First" sound like the name of another failed lending institution?

Gene Weingarten: It does. Country First Federal -- it's even better, with an added nationalistic redundancy.

_______________________

Good poll: Can't wait to see your thoughts on the poll. I watched the debates and while I don't know the precise score-keeping systems of debates, it seemed to me that Obama "won," at least by a little. I was surprised to hear the news calling it a draw or even for McCain. Perhaps we just look for what we want to see...

Gene Weingarten: There's this factor at work, too. When a candidate states a position with which the viewer agrees, the viewer tends to feel a point has been scored. I, too, thought Obama had "won," but I realize that when I heard McCain accuse Obama of having been against the surge, I kind of dismissed this in my mind as irrelevant, since I believe the surge was waay too little, waay too late and that the real issue was support for the war. That's not how you are going to react to that if you are leaning toward McCain. You are going to pump your fist and say, "Point, set, match."

_______________________

Gene Weingarten: You might also say "game."

_______________________

More anagrams: McCain scares me = Screams in Mecca

Gene Weingarten: Thank you.

_______________________

Scalp tingling: "...at certain times my scalp gets a really pleasurable tingling all over -- kind of like a scalp orgasm. The kicker is that this happens only when someone stuns me by saying something unexpectedly stupid!"

Then you HAVE to watch the debate on Thursday!!!!!

Gene Weingarten: Hahahaha.

_______________________

Troubled in California: Gene,

I recently interviewed for jobs at two companies. Company B, my second choice, offered me a job while Company A was noncommittal.

I took the job at Company B assuming that Company A was not interested.

Now, only a week into my job, Company A has made me an offer which is significantly better than what I got from Company B.

How big of an a-- am I going to be when I quit B to join A?

Does it matter that I've been trying to join A for many years and am very passionate about the industry that it is in while I'm only mildly interested in B's industry?

Gene Weingarten: You will be correctly adjudged a jerk, but you have no choice. Be so groveling and apologetic that they see your pain. It will help.

_______________________

Waldorf, Md.: Following up from last week, you asked: "But wait: Is it your marriage that is important to you, or is it your relationship that is important to you? Do you think it is important that you and your spouse have gone through the formality of marriage? Why?"

It is our relationship that is most important to us, but somehow the formal step of marriage added something to it. I can't really explain why because it's an emotional thing. When I introduce him as my "husband" it is satisfying; when I look at his hand and see the ring he wears, I feel honored by the commitment he chose to make with me. We had lived together for a year before we wed, and the day after our wedding we both felt a little different. We even talked about it. We felt more connected, somehow, it was like everything we felt the day before we got married had been enhanced and amplified.

For the record, our wedding was small, performed by a nondenominational minister in a public park. We spent a lot on good catered barbecue and the bar and very little on anything else. My three grown kids wore jeans; the music was from my iPod; and the photographers were our family and friends. It was fun!

Gene Weingarten: All of this makes sense to me.

_______________________

Anonymous: I had no idea going Number Three referred to the first urination after sex. The reason I write that is growing up, I recall an episode of the cartoon Ren & Stimpy where the cat said he was going to use the bathroom for Number Three.

Gene Weingarten: No, going number three refers to male orgasm. We decided on this several weeks ago.

_______________________

Melbourne, Australia: Hi Gene,

Love you love you, panties, etc.

I finally got my hands on a copy of the "Hypochondriac's Guide" (you really need to get on to distribution in Australia). I feel so validated after reading that you think Thrombotic Thrombocytopenic Purpura is the second funniest disease name ever. I'm inclined to agree, having had it myself 10 years ago. (Funny until you have to say it 500 times, trust me). Mine was Idiopathic, however, do you think this addition may edge out "Beer Potomania" for funniest/most ridiculous disease name ever?

Gene Weingarten: Yes. Idiopathic Thrombotic Thrombocytopenic Purpura is funnier than beer potomania. Thank you.

Gene Weingarten: Beer potomania is a condition suffered by alcoholics, specifically people who drink extraordinary volumes of beer. It results in severe electrolyte imbalance in the bloodstream and can cause erratic behavior, insanity and other bad things.

_______________________

Santa Fe, N.M.: Me again, wife of Stealth Man. So, what was the character in your play like? I'm curious if there are any similarities.

Gene Weingarten: He was a man being badly abused by a woman. Seriously.

_______________________

Arlington, Va.: Gene, re: Biden responding with hesitation and disbelief, this is what Anderson Cooper did after showing some of the Couric/Palin clips on his show last week. He had this amazing look of "I don't even know what to say" on his face. It spoke volumes. It was also pretty hilarious.

Gene Weingarten: Biden has to be more subtle. He needs deniability.

_______________________

Wa? Silly Ack: The thing about Sarah's voice (and what makes the Mooseburger thing so ironic) is that she sounds just like Rocky the Flying Squirrel. She must be watching for Boris and Natasha to rear their heads.

Gene Weingarten: Liz, can you link to Rocky so we can judge if this person is right?

_______________________

Gene Weingarten: Okay, the poll.

My answers would have been that the only change I would make in Obama's performance would be to have him more forcefully address it when McCain suggests he is naive. It's a patroniing position, the public perceives it as patronizing, and he can swat it down nicely, with a bit of edge. Otherwise, Obama is doing what he needs to do, which is seem presidential.

McCain, in my view, is most effective when he defines Obama -- probably correctly -- as the most liberal member of the Senate. No one likes an extremist of any sort as president. I think McCain could also better seize the experience issue -- not snidely, as he was doing -- but with CONCERN. Because even Obama's supporters deep down understand this is a guy on whom they are taking a real risk.

In looking at the results of the poll, I find myself surprised by very little. I think it's interesting that the GOP-leaners are less likely to think race will have a major impact on the election. But I understand the disparity. By saying it will have a great impact, the Dem-leaners are basically criticising YOUR side. (THOSE GUYS are gonna be racist.)

And I understand the REP's greater pessimism, right now.

_______________________

Re: Weird head tingling: I get this too! The only time it happens is with females (I'm a straight female, and yes I'm sure on both those counts), and only when they are helping me do something trivial and mundane (like helping me count books or something). It doesn't happen -every- time this occurs, probably only 3 times a year at most. I thought I was the only one!

Gene Weingarten: Okay, this is going to take some further research. This is very odd.

_______________________

Springfield, Va.: I think race is already playing a huge role in the election. Many of the criticisms of Obama seem odd to me -- they don't fit well. Reminds me a lot of the arguments about why blacks couldn't hold political office in the South. It was legal, but many white people just used other words as code for "he's black." I think the same thing is happening now. The South I used to live in isn't thrilled with McCain, but all those states look red.

Gene Weingarten: Well, I think there is a perfectly legitimate concern about whether Obama has enough experience for the job, just as there is a perfectly legitimate concern about whether McCain has the temperament for the job.

But yes, it's when the Obama doubters start talking about more arcane concerns that I begin to think I am re-hearing the appalling 1970s-era debates about whether a black man can be quarterback. See, it wasn't about whether he was SMART enough, it was about whether the TEAM would ever RALLY about him, because of unfortunate incipient RACISM, etc...

Remember that?

_______________________

Pearls and Half Circles: Isn't it a joke about how, in architectural drawing, the little half-circles indicate the direction the door will open? And the characters are drawings, so...

Gene Weingarten: Some people have suggested this.

_______________________

washingtonpost.com: Rocky and Bullwinkle (hear Rocky at 1:30)

_______________________

Northern Neck, Va.: Nobody draws those "Magic Zones" -- at least not on purpose. What, you've never had carpet? When you have carpet for a while and a door that's hung nice and low, you get a sort of mown-down area where the door swings. Pig is standing there because he's an idiot. Thinking someone drew that circle is like thinking the dent on the wall from the doorknob serves a higher purpose, too. You seriously overthink stuff, man.

Gene Weingarten: And others say this is what he means. I shall ask Pastis and try to report back during the chat.

_______________________

Tingly scalp: I get this too. Sometimes a person's voice (like at a lecture) can set it off; other times it's when I get measured or see people getting measured (I know, weird). The part in Harry Potter where he gets measured for his wand, for example, set it off for me, when I listened to the audio version.

I don't really know what it is but it does seem to be happening less and less as I get older.

Gene Weingarten: The weirdness of this is the disparity of stimuli that cause it.

_______________________

Don't scoot forward!: Under no circumstances should the distaff scoot forward!

Given the, ahem, angle of the cannon, often you end up hitting the gap between the bowl and the toilet seat and spraying the back of your knees and down the bowl to the floor. This has happened to me far more often than I'd like to admit. I always sit as far back as possible, sound or no sound.

Gene Weingarten: Isn't there a happy medium? Isn't one's angle always pretty much the same? Also, can't women just lay down a mat of TP atop the water? (Male pee arrives from too great a height for that to work.)

_______________________

Nixon: He actually refused make up so there was no pancake covering for his five o'clock shadow. Kennedy did take the option of using make up.

Gene Weingarten: Actually, my memory is that they used some sort of cream on his face that was supposed to disguise shadow. It was called Insta-Shave or something. Pretty sure I am right. And it didn't work.

_______________________

Editorial Cartoonists: Apparently these folks are about to become as rare as the dodo bird. With all the newspaper layoffs and buyouts, is this function now considered unnecessary? Just heard that Jim Borgman (Cincinnati Enquirer) has taken a buyout. Man! I really enjoyed his work over the years.

Gene Weingarten: Borgman is great. Well, he'll still be doing Zits.

_______________________

Womanonwomanacti, ON: Are you in bare feet? I'm only asking account it seems while attempting to extricate the one foot from your mouth the other managed to slip in.

Gene Weingarten: My ironic intent was evident, ma'am.

_______________________

Huh?: You think McCain is "probably correct" that Obama is the most liberal member of the Senate? It's ridiculous. First of all, Bernie Freakin' Sanders (of whom I'm a huge fan). Also Pat Leahy, Teddy Kennedy, Chuck Schumer, and I'd even argue that Sherrod Brown (at least in his heart of hearts) is more liberal than Obama. Fiscally, Obama really is not very liberal, and he's been squirrely on gay rights.

Gene Weingarten: Hm. Then why hasn't he rebutted this? He never does.

_______________________

Been there, done that.: I was once in the same Company A, Company B position. I applied to A and didn't hear anything back for a couple of months. Since I really didn't like my job, I continued job hunting and landed a job with Company B. Gave my notice, planned to take a week off between jobs. On the first day of my week off, I got a call from A trying to schedule me for several interviews. I went to the interviews and told them I needed to know if I was going to be made an offer because I wouldn't start with Company B just to leave a few weeks later. No offer came that week, so I started with Company B. At lunchtime on my very first day, I got a phone message from A. I wasn't able to call until the next morning, at which time they offered me a job. I took it, went in to work at B and resigned. I've been at A for 28 years. B went out of business about 3 or 4 years after I resigned.

Go ahead and resign to take the better job.

Gene Weingarten: Oh, you have to take the better job. You just have to feel bad about it. Because you have acted poorly.

_______________________

Buttoc,KS: Just contributing another weird sensation. I imagine it has some weird nerve connection between the two, but I've never heard anyone else have the same sensation. If I scratch my butt in a certain area sometimes I get a crazy tingling feeling under the skin down near my calf. It's not a happy feeling though because it is one of those under the skin itches that I cannot itch. It eventually goes away after a little while, but it is strange.

Gene Weingarten: These are called neural triggers. Most people have one or two. When i scratch the inside of my mouth at the jaw line I get an immediate itch in the corresponding ear canal that I must scratch.

_______________________

brid,AL: I think someone just got married, could we have a picture of the bride for old time's sake?

washingtonpost.com: Sure!

Gene Weingarten: I know what this is. This had better be a good picture, Liz. And you know what I mean by "good."

_______________________

Anonymous: Gene, wanted to get your take on something that's been bugging me:

A buddy of mine, who is a Republican, recently married a Democrat. He supports McCain and she supports Obama, and has given money to Obama. And they just moved recently, so they are registered to vote at a polling place that is pretty far from where they actually live.

Anyway, I was recently shocked when they told me they weren't going to vote this time around, in one of the most interesting elections. Why? In her words, "We'd be cancelling each other out, so the effect would be the same as if we both stayed home." They went on to explain that normally they would, but it would be tremendously inconvenient for them given their new place--so they didn't see the point in driving in the same car across the county to go into a polling place, vote the opposite way, and ultimately affect nothing.

This seems wrong to me, though the logic is right--they are indeed cancelling each other out. Your thoughts?

Gene Weingarten: Makes sense to me. I can't fault em for it.

_______________________

Seattle: Question for the vegan: Does PETA realize that bees are used to fertilize a great majority of food and non-food crops, and that they're trucked in boxes all over the country?

Bee enslavement indeed!

Gene Weingarten: I don't know how they feel about that. Will ask.

_______________________

Nixon's stubble: No, no, no. In fact, Nixon didn't have five-o'clock shadow in the debate - he had very dark, thick beard hair which, even when recently shaved, showed through his skin (think Homer Simpson). And, yes, Gene's right, he had some sort of cover-up on which began running as he sweated under the hot studio lights. I believe Theodore White covered this in The Making of the President 1960.

Gene Weingarten: Right. That's where I read it, actually.

_______________________

Weighing Issues: Hi Gene! I have a situation that isn't major or tragic, but I could use your help. I'm a healthy 26 year old woman, and my mother (who is not Jewish) is ALWAYS telling me I'm too skinny. I am not too skinny. I love food, and I love running, and honestly (I'm not bragging, just trying to give you an idea of my size, here), from the neck down I look exactly like Scarlett Johannsen. Even my husband wouldn't be able to tell us apart from photographs that didn't show our faces. So... how do I get my mom to STOP already because it drives me (and my adorably plump younger sister) just nuts? Thanks!

Gene Weingarten: You cannot make her stop because you ARE to skinny, to her. Johannson is too skinny to her.

_______________________

Rosslyn, Va.: Mr.Weingarten, I have read your chats for a long time, and find them very funny, but you have a problem. The problem is that you live in a bubble just as rigid as the one supposedly around Bush. You assume that everyone sees Governor Palin's lack of glibness as foolish. In fact, there are lots of us who see her as valiant. So she isn't polished, but at least she is sincere and has a good heart.

Gene Weingarten: Uh.

I do not object to her being unpolished. Actually, I think she is polished to about as great a sheen as possible.

I think she is woefully ignorant. Big difference.

_______________________

Re:buttal: I think Obama responding with "I'm more conservative than Barney Frank" would be less than effective, sort of like if McCain responded with "I'm younger than Wilford Brimley".

Gene Weingarten: Hahahahahahahaha.

Okay, well put.

_______________________

Mr. Ted Forth: Last night I asked my wife if she'd been following Ted Forth's efforts to find a friend at work. She hadn't so I told her that he was befriending a woman and that it looked like he was going to end up with a "work wife." My wife claimed that she had never heard of that term and was horrified to think that people have "work wives" or "work husbands" even after I convinced her that such a relationship does not necessarily have a sexual component. You're familiar with the concept, correct?

Gene Weingarten: I have had a work wife. It's not a good term, I discovered. Ironically, the potential insult here is not to one's spouse, it is to one's work wife. I once laughingly told her that she was my work wife. It was a mistake. What I meant by it was, hey, I really like you and value your friendship. What it came out as was, hey, I take you for granted. Which I didn't. But I was still in the work-doghouse.

_______________________

Fairfax, Va.: That was not a good picture, Liz. You are evil. But in a good way.

washingtonpost.com: What? It was her.

Gene Weingarten: Liz, you know the photo we need. Especially in light of that recent poster's description of herself. It will help our reader orient him or herself better to the chat.

_______________________

Presidential Racism: I think you've got the racism reversed. As an Obama supporter, I worry more about democratic racism than republican racism. The republicans aren't going to vote for Obama anyway. I worry that some democrats will ultimately vote for McCain because of Obama's race.

Gene Weingarten: You might be right.

_______________________

Weighing Issues, Again: So my mom is nuts? I mean, I agree, but isn't that the conclusion to draw here?

Gene Weingarten: She is a mom. She doesn't care if you are hot. She wants you to be ... healthy.

_______________________

washingtonpost.com: Sigh.

_______________________

Woodbridge, Va.: Gene,

At this writing, I am agreeing with the majority in the poll -- that race will matter a lot in this election. I am white, originally deep South, as an adult always a liberal; but, it took me a good portion of my adult life to shake off the back-of-the-mind vestiges of the racism (and religionism, and all kinds of other isms) that were a part of growing up for me. I am your age, but I went to school through ninth grade with nothing but white people. I didn't really get to know anyone of another race until college. I think there are probably millions of people with this background who have to consciously remind themselves to judge people without race being a factor. I believe I am no longer subconsciously swayed by it after 20 years of a blended, multiracial family; but I think I may be the exception. That said, I also believe the effect will be a wash in the election because of the double whammy of black Americans favoring Democrats in general plus the extra excitement of having a candidate of color. If 94% of African-American voters go for Obama, it will undo the harm of a few percent of white Americans failing to vote for Obama only because he is not white.

Gene Weingarten: Somewhere, I read a study of an elaboration of the so-called Wilder Effect, which holds that a black candidate will do about five percent worse in the general election than the last poll suggested he would do. This is because of racist white Democrats who will tell the pollsters one thing but vote the other way.

This elaboration, which is at least mildly encouraging, says the wilder Effect tends to be nullified if the election is not about social issues with a racial tinge: Welfare, crime, etc.

Race may matter less that we think in this election. Obama has quite successfully avoided being the "black candidate."

_______________________

Simpsons: No no no. The Level 5 vegan in the Simpsons didn't eat anything that cast a shadow. Much funnier.

Gene Weingarten: It is!

_______________________

Pal, IN: The best reason I've heard for why she should be VP comes from my 72 year old neighbor.

"I like her." (and I said, but she's in wayyy over her head! This is the VP slot for the US we are talking about) And then the neighbor said, "well, you have to start somewhere".

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, you have to start somewhere. So why not the Number 2 slot in the land (free world, etc etc.)

Eh, my neighbor is 72. I'll let her slide.

Wait, wait! McCain is 72!

We are so screwed.

Gene Weingarten: Hahahahaha.

_______________________

Washington, D.C.: A Jewish friend of mine told me that you have to by tickets to attend services at the Jewish synagogues around town, and that he's actually been turned away for not having one.

As a Catholic, I am agog. Is this true?

Gene Weingarten: I dunno. True?

(I bet you have to "get" tickets, but not "buy.")

_______________________

Oba, MA: RE: Gene Weingarten: Hm. Then why hasn't he rebutted this? He never does.

Obama did, during the debate, by pointing out that what constituted his "liberal votes" were really just votes against GWB policies. He could have been more forceful, and more specific, but at least he didn't just let it slide.

On another note -- did McCain really say horses__t during the debate??

Gene Weingarten: What? Scuse me? What did I miss here?

_______________________

Pal, IN: I don't believe McCain can get rid of Palin now. It would be seen as an admission that he'd made a stupendous mistake with an important decision and would sink his campaign. And after last week, when he suspended the campaign then unsuspended it and wasn't going to debate and then did, it would add to the impression that he's just reacting to the moment and not thinking very much. I think the best thing he can do right now is bite his lip, not make any more bold moves, and just keep saying "war hero" over and over. And even then he'll probably lose.

Gene Weingarten: Yeah. McCain cannot dump Palin, even through indirection, short of having her, like, assassinated. Which is probably of the table.

He's stuck with her. His best hope at this point, I think, is to have his surrogates play the expectations game: Paint Joe Biden as the Great Orator -- a cross between Demosthenes and Cicero -- and "leak" their intense worries that Palin is going to do or say something that will start World War III. If this can be successfully spun, and she succeeds in the debate in appearing merely vapid and unprepared, it might go okay for her.

Remember, Biden is quite capable of dumb error, such as his statement last week that when the stock market crashed, "Roosevelt went on television to calm" the nation. TWO mammoth historical errors in one sentence.

_______________________

Athens, Ga.: In the Obama choices, you didn't list "go back to your early speeches about how Republicans have good ideas too sometimes and the Democrats often have bad ideas." That kind of talk is what really attracted me to Obama. He lost that in the "kill Clinton" fight, and I think he could win in a landslide if he acted like the only adult again (without any smugness, of course).

Gene Weingarten: I agree. But this may not be the good time to do that, during an implosion of the economy attributable to Republican economic supply-side policies. No?

_______________________

Happy, N.Y.: "Micturation syncope is a vasovagal reaction in which people faint every time they pee." Are there other names for similar causes to the same reaction? I faint every time I throw up. Every time. I've never known anyone else with this condition, and have never heard a name for it. thanks!

Gene Weingarten: Don't know. But throwing up is a far more violent, convulsive act that peeing. Fainting when puking almost makes sense.

I really hate to puke. I'm almost afraid of the sensation.

_______________________

Washington, D.C.: I'm one of your few female Republican chatters, and the issue you're most pissing me off with is getting the definitions for going numbers 1, 2, and 3 straight.

Going number 1 is urinating; number 2 is defacating; and number 3 is diarrhea. Growing up, every kid in the neighborhood knew this. What's wrong with you?

Gene Weingarten: That makes no sense. I reject it.

_______________________

Deserting B Compa, NY: My boss went through this when a new hire ditched him two weeks in for her "dream job." She actually hinted it could happen during her interview but said it was HIGHLY unlikely. Yes, he took a bit of a gamble hiring her, but in the end no hard feelings. It really ISN'T a jerk move if you (the hirer, too) can step back and either be objective about it or even the least bit sympathetic.

Gene Weingarten: I repeat: You need to draw away with an ENORMOUS mea culpa. The closest I came to this was when Rib, I and baby Molly moved into a great new apartment in NY, full move, movers, two months rent in advance, etc., and two weeks later I got the job in Miami.

Great landlords. They returned a months rent even though they didn't have to.

_______________________

Judgment, AL: My mother is very judgmental but that does not always make her wrong. She is appalled that Palin's oldest kids are not in college.

Serve your country is good with her but she thinks it is irresponsible to send an 18-year-old with a high school education into a war zone if it can be avoided. The pregnant daughter needs not to be married off but to be given some good child care so she can pursue her education.

My dad went to college on the GI Bill and my mom never went. They worked very hard to be sure my sister and I went to college. How wrong is my mom to judge the Palin's harshly on this.

Gene Weingarten: I think it is a perfectly reasonable judgment. I can see that it is a judgment other reasonable people might not have.

Colbert King made this point eloquently in a recent column. Liz, can you find it?

_______________________

Lookupinthes, KY: Gene --

I don't know if you have a Hall of Fame for best aptonyms by profession, but this guy has to get consideration in the lawyer category.

Gene Weingarten: This is superior. It wouldn't work as well if he were a trial lawyer.

_______________________

Gaithersburg, Md.: Hi Chatwoman! The link to the story about the guy decorating his basement with Sharpie markers didn't work in Thursday's update. I searched and found the correct link.

Thanks!

washingtonpost.com: Thank you! And I'll fix it in last week's tranny, too.

Gene Weingarten: Good, then.

_______________________

Hors, HT: Google McCain, debate and horse -- there's some that think he actually said it.

washingtonpost.com: Supposed Video Evidence

Gene Weingarten: Wow. I'm hearing it. Is this wrong?

_______________________

Washington, D.C.: Did you catch the college football game Thursday night? A matchup of timeless adversaries, doomed to conflict yet dependent, fundamentally, on each other: USC at Oregon State.

Or, the Trojans vs. the Beavers.

Gene Weingarten: Indeed.

_______________________

New York, N.Y.: CLOD nomination:

Sarah Silverman's endorsement and action plan for Obama. All foul language bleeped, but offensive nonetheless. Probably NSFW, unless you have some privacy.

Gene Weingarten: Yeah, this came out just too late for last week's chat. Jews especially love this, because it rings so true.

_______________________

washingtonpost.com: Hanging with the Palins? Not for Me, (Post, Sept. 27)

_______________________

Moms: Is this a Jewish mother thing? If so, where can a nice Catholic girl like me find a Jewish mother? if my morbidly obese mother tells me one more time I look like I'm gaining weight (when I am, in fact, completely within a health weight range) I'm going to kill her, and I dont' know if I could live with the Catholic guilt of killing my mother. may i please trade? please?

Gene Weingarten: I think that last woman said her mom WASN'T Jewish, but it is definitely a Jewish mom think to want her daughter to be a little plump. Just a little, dollink.

_______________________

Philadelphia, Pa.: Are you familiar with the "Bradley factor"? This is an often observed reality that voters who have no intention of voting for a racial minority candidate tell a pollster they are going to do so? It is believed they do this because they don't want to appear to be racist? Thus, as Tom Bradley saw in California, Wilson Goode saw in Philadelphia, and even Obama saw in some primaries, an African American candidate's final percentage on election day is often a few points lower than what polls predicted.

Gene Weingarten: I believe we have already discussed this, though I heard it as the Wilder factor.

_______________________

Horsesh-t: Andrew Sulliavn briefly suggested that McCain had cursed under his breath, but after reviewing the audio felt that he probably was actually not. Although if you listen carefully, it could go either way.

Gene Weingarten: I think you hear what you want to hear. When told what to hear, I heard it. But that is proof of nothing.

_______________________

Question for Rosslyn: Can I ask Rosslyn to define why he/she views Gov Palin as valiant, and how that makes her qualified to be VP?

Also, I really want to know what a Palin supporter HONESTLY thought of the Couric interview. It had to give you at least a little pause, no?

Gene Weingarten: I have had the same question. We've only a little time here, but is there a Republican out there who can give us a reaction to that interview, vis a vis your choice?

_______________________

Tickets to God: Yes, you have to BUY them. They cost anywhere from $20-$50 a piece. My synagogue charges $35.

Gene Weingarten: Jeez.

Uh. Boy, that seems to support a bad stereotype. Boo.

_______________________

Advice for Pal, IN: Would she make more headway by making fun of her own inexperience? I'd like her better if she said something like, "Look, Senator Biden has been in the Senate for 34 years. He's had a lot of time to study up on stuff. But he still doesn't get it! I'd rather be right on the big picture and wrong on details. Because I can learn about the details. Senator Biden has all the details right but he's wrong on the big picture, and so is his running mate, the most liberal Senator."

Gene Weingarten: This is interesting. That might work, if the moderator lets her off that hook. I don't think Gwen Ifill will.

_______________________

Reverse Bradley effect: This was mentioned in yesterday's political chat. People who can't outwardly say they are going to vote for Obama may well do so behind the safety of the voting booth.

Gene Weingarten: Okay, we're done. Thank you, all.

No updates this week, but I hope to be addressing update-like questions in the Gene Pool.

See y'all next week, when we can discuss, with fierce joy, the Veep debate.

_______________________

Herndon: Yes, Palin showed herself in the Couric interview to be a pretty dim bulb. And I'll vote McCain anyway, on ideological grounds. As you would vote Obama, on ideological grounds, if he chose a dim bulb as his running mate.

Gene Weingarten: Not sure I would if Obama was 72 and the bulb was really dim.

_______________________

Editor's Note: washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions. washingtonpost.com is not responsible for any content posted by third parties.