Post columnist Dana Milbank, who serves as the capital's foremost critic of political theater in his Washington Sketch columns and videos, was online from the Democratic National Convention Thursday, Nov. 13 to take your questions and comments about the things politicians say -- and the absurd ways they find to say them.

The transcript follows.

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Dana Milbank: Good afternoon, chatters. I'm looking forward to today's chat even more than usual because I am in need of a diversion. I'm in the Rayburn building listening to a hearing on hedge funds, and there are five billionaires sitting at the witness table; so far, however demagoguery has been minimal.

So what do you wonder about, dear reader? Why Lindsay Lohan called Obama the "first colored president"? Why the Republican National Committee is adding insult to McCain's injury by suing to overturn McCain-Feingold? The tragic news about Ted Stevens falling behind in the absentee ballot count up in Alaska? The "Day of Beauty" spa treatments being offered to Republican governors at their meeting in Miami this afternoon?

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San Diego: Dana, instead of following around President-Elect Obama, could you request an assignment to go to Alaska and help them finish counting their votes from last week? I think they need some help.

Dana Milbank: Yeah, what's up with that? They're saying they'll get around to counting them all sometime next week. Are the ballots coming in via sled dog?

I'd suggest you send another e-mail to my editor recommending he send me to Alaska, but we're pretty much broke now after all the campaign spending, so that's out.

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Washington: As a "FERC-er" got a kick out of seeing you out front. Do you come up with all your ideas for the sketch, or does the inspiration come from others?

Dana Milbank: A FERC worker! I do generally pick my Sketch topics, but in this case I asked Al Kamen what the most boring agency was in the entire federal government, and he came up with the Federal Energy Regulatory Commission. Do you have trouble getting dates?

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Philadelphia: If Al Franken wins in Minnesota, I am thinking: How about Tina Fey for Pennsylvania senator?

Dana Milbank: She'll never get past Chris Matthews in the primary.

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washingtonpost.com: Washington Sketch Video: Mr. Cool Is in the Building (washingtonpost.com, Nov. 5)

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Real America: Now that the election is over, is there a consensus about where conservatives should move to escape the unending march of socialism? (My vote: Canada.)

Dana Milbank: Well, after they get their massages and pedicures in Miami this afternoon at the Republican Governors Association conference, it's only a short boat ride to Cuba...

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Seattle: Dana, thanks for having the chat. From your personal perspective, what was the nicest town to go to on the trail this year (other than Milbank, S.D., of course)?

Dana Milbank: The easy answer would be Palm Beach, Fla., but really the only time I feel at home on the road is in Des Moines, Iowa.

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Oviedo, Fla. : I am already sick of Obama and all the details of how he got to the gym, how long he was there, the teacher meeting he attended -- gag me. I am longing for the relative boredom of the Ford administration, or the tedium of Bush Part 1. I yearn for dull, for expected and for predictable -- and I am a Democrat. Yawn. Wake me up in four (eight?) years ... all this chanting is giving me a headache. No we can't -- listen to this all the time. It is like honeymoon sex on a rainy Tuesday after work, doesn't work...

Dana Milbank: I can't say I share your pining for tedium, but I believe this is the first question I have ever received that includes the phrase "honeymoon sex on a rainy Tuesday after work."

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Washington: Dana, you must hitch a ride with Terry McAuliffe on his "listening tour" around Virginia in preparation for his gubernatorial run. It's almost a no-brainer how much great material could be gleaned for your column...

Dana Milbank: Now that's something The Post could afford. Please send your e-mails to my editor, Tim Curran, currant@washpost.com, with the subject line: Send Milbank on Terry's Listening Tour. I'd particular like to know what Terry hears when he's in Southwest Virginia, the part George Allen likes.

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Silver Spring, Md.: My brother says he's worried about Obama's socialist agenda. Can you give me a snappy response to that statement? I'm irony impaired.

Dana Milbank: Dear Irony Impaired: I've asked the chat czar, Chris Hopkins, to post a link to Monday's column here.

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washingtonpost.com: Mind Spreading Some Wealth Over Here? (washingtonpost.com, Nov. 10)

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Sewickley, Pa.: Dana, I miss you on "Countdown," but it looks like your pal Campbell is really kicking some keister. Please tell me if the Bidens will have to have the vice-presidential residence swept for bugs before they move in. Or will Dick Cheney just rely on the network he planted in the bureaucracy to work his evil will?

Dana Milbank: Yep, Campbell's a keister-kicker all right -- and very gutsy to stand the middle ground between Olbermann and O'Reilly.

The real question is whether, when the Bidens visit the Naval Observatory this afternoon, Cheney will ask his successor if he wants to see the secure undisclosed location.

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Day of Beauty spa treatments?: Which Republican governors do you feel need this treatment the most? Could it be considered a public service to their constituents?

Dana Milbank: I'm right now picturing Haley Barbour wearing nothing but a towel and cucumbers on his eyes.

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She'll never get past Chris Matthews: I don't know, she does have better legs...

Dana Milbank: Sexist! I happen to know Chris has excellent legs -- you just never get to see them on the Hardball set. (And I think he won't mind me divulging the secret that he frequently does not wear shoes while broadcasting.)

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Arlington, Va.: What's with all the weeping journalists on TV and print after Obama's election? It is just so unprofessional. I get that Obama's election means a lot to people (it means a lot to me, too) but, good grief, I didn't see journalists weeping after Kerry lost. His loss meant that more of our young people would be killed in Iraq. Thank heavens you didn't cry the other night, and I respect you for it (you didn't, did you?).

Dana Milbank: I did cry briefly off-air because I thought irony was dead. But then I heard all the old, reassuring names -- Emanuel, Podesta, Albright, Summers, Rubin, Steinberg, Lake, Rubin, etc., etc. -- and I knew everything would be okay.

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Bronx, N.Y. : Have you ever had harsh words with Rahm Emanuel? Do you look forward to doing so in the near future?

Dana Milbank: Rahm is a great friend of the Sketch, and I have every hope it will continue. I have heard that Podesta, on the other hand, has disinvited me from his birthday party.

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Chicago: Hey Dana. It looks like Chris Shays is sprinting to the finish. What percentage of the defeated congressmen are phoning it in now?

Dana Milbank: Indeed, Shays has been at this morning's hearing and is asking some of the toughest questions of the hedge fund guys -- even though he represents the largest concentration of hedge fund guys. That may explain why he lost, but it's also why I'll miss Chris Shays and why the Congress will be a lesser place without him.

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Vice Presidents: So do you think Biden is going to shoot someone in the face, or is that kind of a Bush administration trademark?

Dana Milbank: The Biden danger is not that he will shoot a friend, but that he will shoot his mouth off. At least I hope he will.

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Seattle: Why haven't you given us more in-depth, exhaustive (and exhausting) coverage of Puppy-gate? What breed will the Obamas get? Will they accept Peru's offer for the world's ugliest breed?

Dana Milbank: I think it is very courageous of my colleague, Anne Kornblut, to offer the Obamas her pet Schnoodle, Oscar. That said, there are many good reasons for the first family to go with the hairless Peruvian -- not least because, like the president-elect, it has very big ears.

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Chicago: Hey Dana, how does your column appear in the paper now? I like these intra-day blog postings, but I can't seem to find your full-fledged column. What's up?

Dana Milbank: Well, thanks for noticing the bloggy posts. Just trying a bit of an experiment this week. They get reverse-published in the paper, though I think you may have pointed to a problem. I will bring this to the attention of people who know what they are doing (I am not one of those).

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Bread and circuses: If American politics were a circus -- well, more of a circus, I guess -- would Sarah Palin be a lion that wants to bite off the head of the lion tamer, an understudy to the ringmaster, or one of those three dozen clowns who exit the little car?

Dana Milbank: Actually, every time she opens here mouth I think of her as a tightrope walker.

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Anonymous: Sometimes to govern you need that little boost a spa treatment delivers. You can bet Haley Barbour gets the wheels of government greased when he feels especially pretty.

Dana Milbank: Well, I think that should be our final image for the day. I don't know if the Mississippi governor is going to make it to the Day of Beauty at the RGA this afternoon, but in my mind's eye he has had a full-body luffa and decided to have his toenails painted.

Hopefully we'll have photos in time for next week's chat. Thanks.

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