John Kelly writes about the Washington that doesn't make it onto the front pages. His five-day-a-week Metro column, John Kelly's Washington, is about the normal -- well, relatively normal -- people who call our region home. It's about the joys and annoyances of living in the most important city in the most important country in the world -- as experienced by those of us who, frankly, aren't that important. His blog, John Kelly's Commons, is a place for readers to carry on a digital conversation.

Today: Is the Christmas spirit being rolled out too early these days? What's the weirdest object you've dodged on the highway? Discuss this and more.

A transcript follows.

Discussion Archives/Recent Columns

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John Kelly: I had this premonition yesterday that it might get like the Wild West around here. Or maybe Al Capone-era Chicago. All we need is some cars with running boards. I mean, did you see those grim stories yesterday? There's a running gun battle in Maryland after a bank robbery. And there's a triple homicide in Fairfax.

In the case of the bank robbery, one suspect was killed by police, although it's not clear whether it was Prince George's, Howard or Montgomery officers. I'll bet. With all those guys chasing you all around the area, you better believe they're all gonna want to unload when they get the chance.

This probably isn't a harbinger of things to come if our economy continues to plummet. I hope not, anyway.

But on a brighter note, it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas! Too early if you ask me. Actually, I'm asking you. I used to feel that all those people who complained about early carols on the radio were annoying. Now I think I may be one. And continuing my obsession with detritus (I've constructed my whole life out of it), I'm curious what sort of things you've had to dodge while driving our fine interstates. I remember hearing from a reader a few years ago who saw a futon on the Bay Bridge.

Oh, I'm going to have to cut out a little early today so let's front-load this thing.

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Montclair, Va.: Yes, Christmas "season" comes too soon. There is something to be said for the traditional calendar of starting the season on December 6 (St. Nicholas' Day) and ending it on January 6 (the last day you can return some merchandise you bought on December 6 no questions asked.

John Kelly: I like that idea: a nice, relatively compressed period of time to ponder and act upon the holiday. And it gives you a full month. What I noticed about the stories I perused from the last 100 years was how no one really owned up to what must have been the underlying rationale for scootching the holiday earlier. It must have been to help merchants. I'm sure shopgirls got stressed and fatigued, and I hate to think of poor retail drones working late into the night until Dec. 24, but The Post back then didn't call BS, as we say today. No papers did. I also wonder what the effect of a lengthened Xmas shopping season really is on spending. Don't we all start with finite lists of who we have to buy gifts for? Let's say it's your immediate family, say eight people. Would you buy for 12 people if the decorations went up on stores two weeks early?

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Bethesda, Md.: John, where were you during my hour of need? In England! But I love it there and am happy that you and your family were able to have such a wonderful experience.

Anyway: My parents are buried in Mt. Olivet Cemetery, in NE D.C. Sometime in July I decided to visit their graves after a downtown event. It was a bright, sunny day and I entered the cemetery around 7:15. After paying my respects, I attempted to leave around 7:30, only to find that all the gates were locked. Apparently the cemetery closes at 7:00, but I did not see any signs to that affect. I drove around to make sure all gates were closed (they were), then called 911 to report my dilemma.

The cops did not exactly laugh at me, but they said, this happens ALL THE TIME. In fact it happens so often they keep a spare key at the station house just for that purpose. Someone drove over in just a few minutes and let me out.

The next morning I called the cemetery to suggest that, before locking it up, someone drive around the grounds to make sure all visitors have left. It's a pretty good-sized cemetery, but this shouldn't take more than a few minutes. Also, make sure there is a prominent sign at the gates stating the 7 p.m. closing. Finally, put in a pay telephone so that visitors who do not have cell phones can contact the outside world to get help. (There was none at the time I was locked in.)

Earlier this week, a woman in my monthly bridge group reported a similar experience. She was there with her daughter, who had a cell phone, and once again the cops came and released them. This, too, had happened in the summer and, like me, they had assumed the cemetery closed at sunset. In fact, when my father was first buried there, in 1974, I think it was open 24/7, and only closed on Halloween.

If this happens all the time, shouldn't the cemetery take steps to prevent it? Not everyone has a cell phone. Older folks might be terrified to be trapped in a cemetery. My mother outlived my father for several years. and I know she would have been distraught if this had ever happened to her.

I'm hoping your publicizing this situation might lead the cemetery to do the right thing, and save D.C. taxpayers some money, as well.

John Kelly: Reminds me of the time I was locked in the old DC wax museum with my grandmother, around 1973 or so. It seems like this could be easily solved with just a prominent sign. What I want to know is how you got in, if it closes at 7 and you got there at 7:15.

I don't think even churches are open 24/7 anymore. I remember growing up that they were supposed to be, though I never tested the prospect. Now I know they lock up.

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Washington, D.C.: My employer, a non-profit medical association located in Northwest D.C., isn't closing for Inauguration Day. I am envisioning a nightmarish commute of epic proportions. I thought employers in the area are supposed to close for the day. Do we have any recourse here? Can you convince our CEO to close the office for us?

John Kelly: I guess private employers can't be forced to shut their doors for the day. And if you're in Manassas or Forestville, why would you need to? But staying open in the District is just asking for trouble. Four million people? It will, as you said, be a nightmare. It seems to me Jan. 20 is a day to explore telecommuting. And if your boss wants to be a martyr--some mad Capt. Nemo at the controls of his doomed ship--let him.

As for me helping, why don't you send me an e-mail (kellyj@washpost.com). I'll pass the name of your association on to the reporters covering the inauguration. I think that would make a good story: What are local businesses doing on that day?

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Growling Stomach: John, are you inviting all of us over for Thanksgiving dinner? I want a drumstick.

John Kelly: Here, have two. Care for a breast?

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Stateofdeni, AL: Whatever happened to the decent little trinklets that you used to get in Cracker Jack boxes? Nowadays, all they give ya is blurry transfer-on tattoos. And people wonder why the economy is so bad!

John Kelly: You mean the days of the Faberge Eggs are over? That stinks. They ought to give you Google stock or something.

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Almost Heaven...: Overheard this week in a fast food restaurant in West Virginia: You ought not ta worry yourself about it. She ain't no good at the stove. I ain't gonna drive up thar for nothing like that.

I almost spewed my Frosty all over the table.

John Kelly: That's great. You know what they say: Some women can cook and some can...well. I'm lucky that My Lovely Wife can do both.

Speaking of overheard conversations, the Guardian has a weekly column on them,

Michael Holden's All Ears

. Some of them are just a little too perfect (I wonder how much editing he does). But then, we've all overheard conversations that sound like they could come from a Tarantino screenplay.

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Boyds, Md.: JK, my good man. Welcome back, you were sorely missed.

I'm getting remarried...wish me luck!

John Kelly: Thank you. Remarried, huh? Congratulations. I hope that works out for you. Has your new spouse also been married before? I wonder what's different for people the second-time around. Any multiply-marrieds want to share?

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Kingstowne, Va.: Follow-up from last week. In the discussion about botched expressions, someone correctly noted that "butt naked" is incorrect and that the correct expression is "buck naked." You then asked, "What is it about bucks that calls to mind nakedness? More study is needed."

The answer is that "buck naked" comes from slavery. The term "buck" once referred to a dandy, a pretentious show-off. People applied this term to male Negroes as a form of sarcastic derision. Because male slaves often toiled naked in the fields, the term "buck naked" developed.

Of course today many people may not know this, but it might be all the better if "buck naked" were allowed to fade away. "Butt naked" seems more descriptive anyway (although, irony of ironies, my mother's mother, who did not approve of the term "butt" for one's rear end, used the word "buck," as in, "If you say that word again I'm going to beat your buck").

John Kelly: I think that connection is apocryphal. I haven't consulted an Oxford English dictionary, but this this web site debunks the notion. It has to do with skin color, but not slavery. Here's a much longer discussion, though it mentions "buck naked" only in passing.

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Frederick, Md.: One reason to stay out of prison: Inmate settles flesh-eating bacteria case (AP, Nov. 18)

John Kelly: The last sentence of that story should be enough to scare anyone straight.

I wonder if some British columnist has included that article in his weekly YankNews Roundup, a la my

BritNews Roundup

.

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Baby Boomtown, USA: Today one of my co-workers told me about his prostate problems and another told me how he is doing Kegel exercises for men. I'm too young for this man, too young!

John Kelly: I don't think that was covered in our sexual harassment training. I didn't even know there were Kegel exercises for men. Is that like Clairol for Men?

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Bethesda, Md.: John,

Since no one really mentioned it last week...I like the Atheist bus campaign. Atheists are generally smart, moral people. However, there's also a very negative reaction to the word...when I've told people I'm atheist the typical reactions range from grasping and pulling back to attempts to convert me. Take a look at the online comments from your column for an example.

It's not that I haven't heard Christian doctrine before, I just don't believe it to be true. We're supposed to have separation of church and state, but Christian dogma is increasing its grip on the state. Look at cases of adding/removing the 10 Commandments to courts. Or, this time of year, asking that religious imagery be moved to religious institutions was declared "War on Christmas." Really, it's a fairly reasonable request. Evolution is once again under threat of being removed from textbooks in favor of thinly veiled Creationism.

So, I'm glad to see the Atheist bus campaign is what seems to be a particularly religiously fervent time.

John Kelly: I have no problems with the campaign. I like that it's kind of clever. Atheists themselves seem to realize they have a branding problem. The group sponsoring the ads is called the American Humanist Association. And you're right that the comments were fast and furious on my column. I think that's the most I've ever gotten. I should write about atheism every week. Of course, I don't know who would expect someone else to be moved to adopt their position just be reading a post online.

I do think the atheists, er, humanists, are being a bit sneaky about this. They said this was not an attempt to proselytize, just to reach out to people who already may be experiencing feelings of doubt. But they're loving the attention they're getting. They sent out a news release this week crowing at all the flak they'd gotten from groups like the Catholic League, who, predictably rose to take the bait.

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Living Life: Posting early as I will be in Lancaster, Pa., on Friday spending lots of money and eating lots of good food. John, can you look into your crystal ball and tell me how much snow we're going to get this winter, what days it will hit, and how much we will get each time? I appreciate it!

John Kelly: My crystal ball says the most severe snowstorms will be on days ending in "Y." They will be caused by cold fronts sweeping in from the north. Expect a wintry mix on the day you need to get to the airport.

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Christmas: I found it weird when I was shopping for Halloween decorations -- skeletons and devils etc. -- and on the other side of the aisle at Target was Santa Claus and baby Jesus and the Nativity scene. But I understand stores are trying to sell stuff, so, okay.

But Nov 12, I was shopping at Fair Oaks, and Santa Claus was in the mall, kids lined up to see him. I'm sorry, that's just not right. Don't little kids know that Santa forgets things after 1 month? Somebody needs to let them know!

John Kelly: He was at Fair Oaks on Nov. 12?! That's even earlier than White Flint, where he arrived Nov. 14. Someone should do a map that shows where and when Santa has arrived over time, as if he was a daffodil or something. I bet you'd find him arriving ever-earlier, like a bulb emerging due to global warming.

Santa may forget, but elves remember. God, do they remember. Just try getting an elf to drop a grudge.

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Detroit, Mich.: Can we get a government bailout of the Lions? I'm thinking bankruptcy, fire all the players, government ownership, re-hire some players, and coaching duty done by congressional committee. Couldn't be any worse than 0-10.

John Kelly: Hey, when the Feds fire the top execs at GM, Ford and Chrysler as a requirement of the bailout, the former fatcats can go coach the Lions. Or would that just compound the problem?

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It Took Years of Scientific Study: Weebles wobble, but they don't fall down.

John Kelly: Why couldn't we have Weebles in charge of our economy?

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John Kelly: Or they could coach the Lions. Or the Redskins, whose problem is that they wobble and they DO fall down. The offense, anyway. As for the defense, why do so many Redskins seem to want to execute a really cool, highlight-reel hit instead of just wrapping their arms around the runner's legs?

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Murder, Va.: That triple slaying in Fairfax happened right across the street from my old boss. Is this a problem if: 1.) I threatened to kill him several times and 2.)I live alone and have no alibi for Wednesday evening . . . .

John Kelly: (Rocci, can we trace this? Thanks.)

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washingtonpost.com: I'd say you better high-tail outta town.

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Does Christmas hype start too soon?: Of course it does. I saw Christmas decorations in some stores prior to Halloween this year. Disgusting. I won't have my Christmas tree up prior to the First Sunday of Advent, and I leave it up (and light it) through and including January 6 (the Epiphany, final day of the Christmas season). The commercial world and the media seem to want Christmas to start in October and end PROMPTLY at 11:59.59 p.m. on December 25.

BUT, with all that said, I'm quite happy to see people in this discussion using the word CHRISTMAS. I have nothing against Hanukkah, of course, although I also know that from a religious point of view it's not an important observance. I find the efforts to elevate Kwanzaa (or however you spell it) to the same level as Christmas or Hanukkah to be an embarrassment, however.

John Kelly: Well, in a sense, all holidays are made up. Someone may be able to correct me but I'm not sure it says anywhere in the Bible how to celebrate Christmas. And our modern interpretation of it includes on all sorts of things that have nothing to do with Christ or Christianity, starting with its very celebration at this time of year.

In Monday's column I'll discuss what retailers think about all this (you won't be surprised) and the folks at Hallmark. The Hallmark rep insisted that in this new order--"Christmas" starting right after Halloween--Thanksgiving doesn't get a "drive-by." They still put out Thanksgiving cards. But do we even need Thanksgiving cards?

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Washington, D.C.: January 6 ends the Christmas Season because it is the Feast of the Epiphany, although I'm not really sure what that is, but it is religious, not commercial in nature.

November 11, Veteran's Day, is the beginning of the holiday season for retailers. I believe we should shift Veteran's Day to sometime in April to coincide with the fall of Baghdad. November 11 commemorates the Armistice of World War I, which many cite as one of the causes of World War II. Then the holiday shopping season will begin on November 1, or 2 depending upon how quickly the stores can switch over from Halloween sales.

John Kelly: Wait, has the fall of Baghdad happened yet?

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John Kelly: I bet if we did that the Christmas sales would just start in April.

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Frosty the Man: With all this mention of snow in the forecasts, I've created my panic list -- you know, the usual t-paper, bread, milk, beer, etc. John, what's on YOUR list?

John Kelly: Dog food. You don't want to be snowbound with a dog and no dog food. Just like in those old Warner Bros. cartoons, he'll start to look at you like you were a roast chicken, complete with those little paper crowns on your drumsticks. What ARE those things anyway?

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RICHMOND: Now wait, GMAC wants to be a bank so they can get bailout money FOR A BANK THAT DOESN'T EXIST, SO THUS, ISN'T HAVING PROBLEMS AND DOESN'T NEED BAILING OUT?

John Kelly: The gall of these guys is amazing. I'm pretty sure they all get their gall from the same place: Gall R Us (at the mall, naturally).

Did any of them ever think that maybe if their cars didn't stink they wouldn't be in this predicament?

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Dodging things on the highway: I'm pretty sure I ran over a large bag of flour yesterday. Maybe someone went shopping for Thanksgiving and bought so much that they couldn't secure the trunk?

John Kelly: Or you ran over $300,000 worth of uncut Colombian cocaine, and even now a drug lord is trying to find you. If you survive, sell the movie rights to the Coen Brothers.

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Washington, D.C.: What's going on with the guys who were arrested for Robert Wone's murder? Are they actually being charged with the murder or just obstruction?

washingtonpost.com: 3 Indicted In Alleged Coverup of D.C. Killing (Post, Nov. 21)

John Kelly: So far just obstruction of justice. I hope they can be cracked.

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McLean Va.: Yesterday was the kickoff of Christmas season for me: 1st was Tony Bennett plugging his new album of Christmas songs on Ch4; 2nd lunchtime at Tyson's mall where all the decorations are up; 3rd preview screening of "Four Christmases" coming soon to theaters near you. -- movie review: stay away!

John Kelly: What was the last funny Christmas movie? I remember liking one of those Chevy Chase "Vacation" ones set during the holidays. I liked the sight of Randy Quaid in a green dickey.

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Washington, D.C.: Getting remarried: the triumph of hope over experience. (Was it George Bernard Shaw who said that?)

John Kelly: But don't they say the first pancake is always a disaster? Maybe a second marriage is like the second pancake. (It's starting to sound like Hax in here. Or a food chat.)

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Washington, D.C. (NW): On some level, I understand that retailers are very concerned with sales this holiday season and begrudgingly I understand why we are seeing holiday shopping commercials earlier than in years past. My problem with the rapid and unnecessary expansion of the "Christmas Season" is that by playing Christmas Movies and Christmas Music before Thanksgiving makes both holidays less special. How special is it for kids when Santa arrives at the end of the Macy's Parade if he's been on TV for two weeks? Why do we let the radio suck the magic from classic holiday songs by playing them non-stop for a full month? By the time December 25th rolls around, I'm so sick of all things Christmas I just want the day to be over so I'm one day closer to drowning all of the holiday stress on New Year's Eve. That's right, in a round about way the expansion of the Christmas season has driven me to drink... well drink more... well drink slightly more than I usually do.

John Kelly: I wonder if it's an age thing. Do kids even notice this? And if they do, do they mind? It's never bothered me before but this year it does and I'm thinking maybe it's because I've reached a certain age. Oh, and good luck with that drinking problem!

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Arlington, Va.: I used to work for a guy who sent out Thanksgiving cards instead of Christmas cards. Thanksgiving was his favorite holiday.

He also encouraged us to vote every year, even if it meant being late to work on Election Day.

Best boss I ever had.

John Kelly: And I bet he would make you take off Inauguration Day.

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Wedded Bliss, Fla.: Second time around for both me and my current spouse. We couldn't be happier. Ten years LEGAL in 2009. She is my BFF and I am her BFF.

When the subject of kids was brought up, we talked, either a puppy, or another and& 33 days apart in ages. (WOW). Those two are now also BFF. The DOG is now 9 plus years old. (Dog's birthday is Sunday). More love than a kid and you don't get suckered into homework or PTA events.

There was a discussion on TV here the other night, about second time around love. . we both looked at each other and agreed we upgraded on our former mates.

There are two things I do miss about #1. She came equipped with a set of extra large pillows to snuggle up with. I now have a set of mini-marshmallows. But at least here, it's not blizzard conditions in the home, even when the outside temps are in the 90's. Also, there is now snow here.

John Kelly: Now with the marshmallows.

Congratulations. I must say that most of the people I know who are on #2 are happy.

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Cemetery person, again: That was one of my questions, too, how come I was able to get in at 7:15 (I know it was after 7) if you close at 7? I hope they do place more prominent signs and add a phone. I'd make the point in person but I have not yet been back there during the week, and the office is closed on weekends.

John Kelly: Another thing: I doubt you could get anyone to install a payphone. They're a dying breed. It's assumed you have a cell these days.

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Dodge: Why are mattresses still allowed as cargo on cars -- it's never safe --people die when things go wrong.

John Kelly: As happened on I-66 this week. Tragic. The police should pull you over.

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re: funny Christmas movies: Elf is a great movie. And I always get misty at the end when they start singing "Santa Claus is Coming to Town." Bonus points if you can figure out which elf is played by Peter Billingsley, who's famous for playing Ralphie.

John Kelly: Oooh, that was a good one. Maybe "Four Christmases" would have worked with Will Ferrell. Quick joke I just made up: What do you call Will Ferrell when he's been forced to live in the wild for five years? Will Feral.

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Christmas in October: I love that Christmas has been pushed so early, because now we can sort of go straight from Halloween to Christmas (two great holidays) and mostly crowd out Thanksgiving (the absolute worst holiday).

As for the difference with second marriages -- practice makes perfect. One is a lot more likely to choose the right partner when she has experience choosing the wrong one.

John Kelly: Let's amend the marriage ceremony to be "Do you, Glen, take Brenda to be your trainee-wife?"

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Baltimore, Md.: Re the multi-county car chase/shootout following a bank robbery: The most amazing part of that story was that a civilian who had stopped in the Bank of America to cash a check actually pursued the robbers in his own car after they had shot a bank teller. He stayed on his cell phone to 911 telling them where the perps were until the Howard County police could take over the chase. He allowed to a reporter that his wife would not be happy hearing about what he'd done but, "I was mad." Wow! How many of us would do the same? And I presume he wasn't ticketed for talking on his cell while driving!

John Kelly: Yes, amazing. It looked from the story like the perps didn't know he was following them. If they had it could have turned out bad for him. I hope he gets some sort of commendation.

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N.O.A.A. Satelite Office. . Ford Field: After 10 weeks of research, we have declared Ford Field to be a TORNADO FREE ZONE, for the rest of the 2008 season.

There will be NO TOUCHDOWNS for the remaining NFL Season at Ford Field.

I hope that puts the Detroit fans at ease. Your U.S. Government, and the N.O.A.A. is here to help its citizens in these troubling times.

John Kelly: What's your forecast for hell freezing over?

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Arlington Gay: "Did any of them ever think that maybe if their cars didn't stink they wouldn't be in this predicament?"

My 11-year-old Chevy runs so well I have no need to buy a new car. The Chevy I had before the current one lasted more than 10 years. So is GM making cars that last too long?

John Kelly: A satisfied customer. I just resent them staying with SUVs for so long (ever since you bought your last Chevy basically), getting away from manual transmissions, and selling cars whose interiors were uninspired. But that's just me--and more and more people, apparently.

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Disgusted in Virginia: What's with the video being widely shown on TV with the Federal official collapsing during a speech?

What if that were YOUR relative and it was splashed all over TV -- and probably YouTube, I wouldn't wonder.

John Kelly: No, I wouldn't be happy. But the guy is the attorney general of the United States. I can see the news value of showing it, but not over and over like some sort of pratfall.

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with the rapid and unnecessary expansion of the "Christmas Season" is that by playing Christmas Movies and Christmas Music before Thanksgiving makes both holidays less special.: If you let TV determine the quality of your holiday, YOU'RE the one with the problem. Focus on your family and friends and values, and nothing in celluloid world will matter.

John Kelly: Great point! I wonder, though, if we let TV determine all sorts of things, from our morality to how we perceive the holidays.

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Last funny Xmas movie?: How about "Bad Santa" (2003) starring Billy Bob Thornton and Bernie Mac?

John Kelly: Haven't seen it...

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Funny Christmas movies: "Bad Santa" is so wrong, but so good. Or perhaps "but" should be "therefore." It's the perfect dose of p-ss and vinegar after weeks of OD'ing on sugar plums and jingle bells. And it still has an "awww" Christmas ending.

Same for the South Park show featuring Mr. Hanky, sans the "aww" ending. (I do get a little misty when Satan presents Adolf Hitler with his very own tannenbaum during "Christmastime in Hell.")

John Kelly: ...but it sounds like I should.

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Washington, D.C.: If "Christmas" is generally speaking two months of the year, that adds up to 15 percent of your life! We're talking 12 years for an 80-year-old.

Not a problem in my family -- by decree the holiday gets no attention until after my husband's birthday on Dec 2.

John Kelly: Fight back! Save Christmas! Maybe The Post should distribute buttons that read "Shop Late for Xmas," to counteract the buttons it made in 1910.

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As for the difference with second marriages -- practice makes perfect. One is a lot more likely to choose the right partner when she has experience choosing the wrong one.: I've always been told that the 2nd is often worse than the 1st, it's a rebound mistake, and it's actually the 3rd that lasts. (me I'm 47 and still on my first, but actually have asked some 3rd timers, and this is what they say.)

John Kelly: Then you're getting in Liz Taylor territory, or Taylortory, as it's known.

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They said this was not an attempt to proselytize, just to reach out to people who already may be experiencing feelings of doubt: Most atheists don't want to convert others, I just want respect. Stop treating me like I'm evil. I just want the bigotry to stop.

John Kelly: Agreed. Stop treating people like they're evil, people. Unless they actually are evil.

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Churches not open 24/7.: Yes, I remember when they were. We went once, found the organ on, and merrily played Baby Elephant Walk on the carillon.

Never found it open unguarded again.

John Kelly: Now I have that going through my head: doo doo do doo doo doo do do.

Hey, I gotta run to a lunch appointment. Thanks for stopping by today. I know you have many options for your Friday afternoon entertainment and I appreciate you choosing this. See you in the paper on Sunday. And don't forget the blog:

John Kelly's Commons

.

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