Catching Up With Artie Lange

Comic and Howard Stern sidekick Artie Lange was online Tuesday, Nov. 18, at 12:30 p.m. ET to talk about The Howard Stern Show, his run on MADtv, his movies ("Dirty Work," "Elf," "Old School," "Beer League" and TV work and his memoirish new book, "Too Fat to Fish," a deeply personal account of his up and down life.

A transcript follows.

Lange appears at the Lincoln Theatre in Washington, D.C., on Dec. 12.

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Washington, D.C.: Will you be selling/signing books at the show in D.C.?

Artie Lange: Possibly selling, there might be books that are already signed. Earlier in that same day I have a signing in Baltimore. (Dec. 12)

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Zeropoint, Zero: How much pre-planning of seemingly spontaneous topics go into the Howard Stern show? Do the show members tell Howard or Gary in advance that they have a great story to tell, or do the topics just flow naturally?

Artie Lange: The show is mostly improved naturally. What I will do, is I'll come in and I've got a great story and the Howard wills say is don't tell us now tell us on the air. This way if it's great they'll react spontaneously. And if it isn't, Howard will make fun of it for being bad so you win either way.

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Washington, D.C.: Artie -- I read the entire book this weekend; couldn't put it down. My husband (of 3 weeks) is in the Army; we're both huge Stern show fans. Any plans to maybe do a USO tour of the states for the troops?

Artie Lange: When I went to Afghanistan (last June) it was great experience. If I can figure out the schedule I'd love to do one in the states, absolutely.

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Los Angeles, Calif.: Art, what is the best way to get into stand-up? I am trying the 'open mike' route, but it seems to be going nowhere. Should I hire an agent?

Artie Lange: Agents area extemely important if you can get a good one. Until you do though, you have to get up as many times as possible. Standup is something that you can't get better at unless you do it almost every day.

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Jets-Titans: The Jets are getting 5 1/2 points against the Titans on Sunday.

Given your gambling prowess, who you got?

Artie Lange: Jets!!! They look good now.

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Fairfax, Va., formerly West Islip, New York: How do you think your Italian American heritage shaped your life?

Artie Lange: I think being from a Jersey Italian family has made me funnier, also tougher. So if someone is not from a real ethnic family in the Midwest I think they have less material family-wise to draw. That makes being Italian or Jewish, Irish from the East Coast all the better if you want to get into comedy.

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Washington, D.C.: Do you see yourself leaving the Stern show any time in the near future?

Artie Lange: Yes, but in a body bag. But seriously, you never know but I do love the show immensely.

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Annandale, Va.: Big Howard fan since 1988. How is your life affected knowing that whatever you do could possible wind up as a topic for the show? Do you ever purposely do something over the weekend thinking this would make a great story on the air on Monday, or do you just live your life?

Artie Lange: I just live my life, that's the advantage of being an enormous screw-up.

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Belushi: Artie,

Love you on Howard. I am sure the book is very good. Loved your interview on Fresh Air.

Since you look and act much like Jim Belushi, I was wondering if you ever met him and under what circumstances?

Take care and be good to yourself.

Artie Lange: I met Jim Belushi on the Stern show once. But I didn't care because I'd rather meet John.

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Dark Side of the Moon: Artie, you are a great talent and I love listening to you on the radio. You are a born storyteller -- like Will Rogers if he was a heroin addict from Jersey with a penchant for ladies of the evening. My husband and I can't wait to see you at the Lincoln Theatre.

Has Orlando Jones contacted you since the book came out? How about any of the others from MADtv who you haven't talked to since leaving the show?

Artie Lange: I just talked to David Herman and Nicole Sullivan recently but I've spoken to them quite a bit since the show ended. Orlando hasn't gotten in touch with me yet but I really hope he does.

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Westport, Conn.: What's Norm McDonald up to? Any plans for projects with him in the future?

Artie Lange: Norm right now is doing a lot of standup on the road which is good because he's one of the best stand-ups ever. I love him and would love to work with him in the future but no plans right now.

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Annapolis, Md.: You talk a lot about your life "on the docks." Just how long were you there before you moved on?

Artie Lange: Two years, from 1991 - 1993. It was a great job and the characters I worked with down there inspired a lot of comedy.

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Washington, D.C.: Hey, Artie: I'm not exactly a fan of yours since I've never seen your TV shows or movies, but we share a special bond: we both love The Who. What's your favorite Who concert that you've attended? (Mine's Philly 2000.)

Artie Lange: It sounds like I'm older than you so I have to say Madison Square Garden 1982. I was in the ninth grade. The Clash opened -- best show ever.

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Indianapolis, Ind.: What did you do in the first six hours after you had the meltdown with Teddy?

Artie Lange: I had a double cheeseburger and went to sleep. Then I got up and flew to Amsterdam.

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Ken Mehlman: When can we expect to see a Dirty Work 2?

Artie Lange: When every movie executive in L.A. goes into a coma.

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Bob from Bowie, Md.: How traumatic was it to see Eric the Midget in person? Did meeting him make it more difficult for you to be mean to him? Is there a more ungrateful person on the face of the earth than him?

Artie Lange: Yes, it was difficult to make fun of him face to face but it's my job so I did it. And there's one person that's more ungrateful -- my ex (expletive deleted) girlfriend.

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Herndon, Va.: Artie,

First of all, love what you bring to The Howard Stern Show. This morning especially has given me even more of a reason to buy your book. One question though, What would you be doing if you were not on the Howard Stern show?

Artie Lange: Probably standup comedy on the road or loading ships at the docks in Newark as a longshoreman.

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Richmond, Va.: I had a dream that you were riding a tandem bicycle with Rusty Staub. What do you think that means?

Artie Lange: That means you're getting bad weed.

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Boston, Mass.: What motivates you to keep going?

Artie Lange: Money. And hot (expletive deleted).

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Effjackie, Long Island, N.Y.: Do you think that revealing sensitive personal information on the Stern show over the course of all these years made it easier for you to write such an honest book? Were you concerned about the reaction of your mother and sister to the book, or do you feel like they have seen and heard it all by now?

Artie Lange: The Stern show made it much easier to write the book. I cleared everything with my mother and sister before I wrote it.

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New York, N.Y.: How often do you order the Artie Lange cupcake at Crumbs bakery? That's some good cake.

Artie Lange: I'm only able to order it any time I'm in Crumbs Bakery which is five times a day.

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Artie Lange: I didn't get this body running ten miles a day.

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Romney, W.Va.: Artie,

When do you plan to appear on Opie and Anthony since the XM-Sirius merger is complete? What is your take on the merged companies?

Artie Lange: I'm good friend with Jim Norton and maybe one day Jim will do Stern and I'll do Opie and Anthony, it'll be interesting, but no plans for that.

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Vienna, Va.: Hi Artie. Are you still seeing the shrink regularly? Do you think it's working for you? Take care.

Artie Lange: Yes and yes and if you wanna call me at home later I'll give you the real answer. If you can get my phone number somehow, I'll give you the real answer.

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Washington, D.C.: On the Howard Stern show, how much of you (and Howard, Robin etc) is a character you play on the show and how much of it is "the real you"?

Artie Lange: I can't speak for Robin or Howard but I'm the real thing.

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Arlington, Va.: Artie,

I met my wife 10 years ago, we got engaged, married, and had our great son within 14 months of our first date. I met her at a dive too. So hang in there, you may not be the best husband material, but I'm confident you'll be a great father.

Artie Lange: Thank you very much, that's always nice to hear, seriously.

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Buffalo, N.Y.: I once heard you say that you wish you could give up your career due to being recognized by fans all the time. Do you still feel that way?

Artie Lange: Stern fans treat me like a best friend so I honestly don't think I'd ever want that to stop. I love the fans and their relationship I have with them.

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Washington, D.C.: It is seem like everyone is fair game on the Howard Stern show. Who is the most underappreciated member of the show?

Artie Lange: Benjy Bronc. Benjy's a good guy and true talent that' s underappreciated.

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Los Angeles, Calif.: In the foreword of your book Howard mentions that during an interview with Norm he met you and that this introduction lead to your position on the show. What do you think Howard saw in that brief encounter that landed you Jackie's chair on the show?

Artie Lange: Initially honesty. I think he liked that I was honest about screwed up things that happened in my life and I think he could tell I was pretty good at telling stories on the air. Howard is a friend to all screw-up's and I love him for it.

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Bob from Bowie, Md.: Have you ever considered that your spot on the Howard Stern show is cursed? The previous occupant, Jackie Martling self destructed by foolishly daring Howard to replace him, which he did. You seem to be charting your own path to self-destruction more in the style of John Candy and Chris Farley. Can you even envision a clean, in-shape Artie Lange?

Artie Lange: I've seen it personally when I was in high school and in my early twenties. You're talking to a former athlete, my friend. So I feel that I can get back to that one day. Hopefully that happens before I check out. Thank you for your concern.

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Arlington, Va.: Hey Artie, What's your top five favorite LIVING comedians today?

Artie Lange: Living comedians: Dave Attell, Nick DiPaulo, Norm MacDonald, Gilbert Godfrey and Richard Lewis.

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Artie Lange: Instead of Gilbert, I mean Chris Rock. Gilbert can be an honorable mention at six.

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Vienna, Va.: I remember last spring's show when you took the nap. It was classic, Howard radio, but I seriously thought you were crying for help back then. Were you and nobody caught it?

Artie Lange: I was crying for help but it was in my sleep so no one heard it But seriously, I've been crying for about 25 years. I think people hear it, they just don't give a damn.

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Oakton, Va.: Springsteen is doing the Super Bowl -- "American Idol" isn't far behind.

Seriously, I grew up on LI when you were growing up in Jersey and I have loved Howard Stern since his first days on radio on NBC so I can see how being with his show is an honor and dream. But, should you have dedicated your book to him? Or your mom?

Artie Lange: I could've dedicated the book to my mother but that would've been bad for business.

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Eritrea: Long-time listeners to the Stern show recognize that you understand and embrace the effect that your affiliation with the show has had on your career and your notoriety (unlike your predecessor). Do you think there will come a point when your career is actually being limited by the show instead of enhanced by it?

Artie Lange: There's no way my affiliation with the Howard Stern show will ever be a negative in terms of my career.

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Reston, Va.: Did you meet McCartney on the Stern show? Impressions of him?

Wish you had your own show.

Artie Lange: I met Paul McCartney and he could not have been nicer. As a matter of fact, one of my older cousins called me that day and asked me to bring her home anything Paul McCartney touched. I brought her home a Poland Spring Water bottle, I think she's got it framed.

I hate long-term commitments as anyone who knows me can tell you so I would love to have my own show but only for about six months. I'd like to make impact and have fun and leave.

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Artie Lange: Guys, I have to go now. I'm late for a spray tanning appointment. My life is very busy now so I have to go but I love you all for supporting me and being here to do this. I'll end by saying FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's it.

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