Chatological Humor: The Show You Dream of at Night

aka Tuesdays With Moron

Gene Weingarten's humor column, Below the Beltway, appears every Sunday in The Washington Post magazine. It is syndicated nationally by the Washington Post Writers Group.

At one time or another, Below the Beltway has managed to offend persons of both sexes as well as individuals belonging to every religious, ethnic, regional, political and socioeconomic group. If you know of a group we have missed, please write in and the situation will be promptly rectified. "Rectified" is a funny word.

On Tuesdays at noon, Weingarten is online to take your questions and abuse. He will chat about anything. Although this chat is updated regularly throughout the week, it is not and never will be a "blog," even though many persons keep making that mistake. One reason for the confusion is the Underpants Paradox: Blogs, like underpants, contain "threads," whereas this chat contains no "threads" but, like underpants, does sometimes get funky and inexcusable.

This Week's Poll: TAKE ONLY THE VERSION THAT APPLIES TO YOU:

Door 1: Men, 37 and Younger|Door 2: Women, 37 and Younger|Door 3: Men, 38 and Older|Door 4: Women, 38 and Older

Not chat day? Visit the Gene Pool.

Important, secret note to readers: The management of The Washington Post apparently does not know this chat exists, or it would have been shut down long ago. Please do not tell them. Thank you.

Weingarten is also the author of "The Hypochondriac's Guide to Life. And Death" and co-author of "I'm with Stupid," with feminist scholar Gina Barreca.

New to Chatological Humor? Read the FAQ.

P.S. If composing your questions in Microsoft Word please turn off the Smart Quotes functionality. I haven't the time to edit them out. -- Liz

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Gene Weingarten: Good afternoon.

I want to begin with two trenchant observations, and then segue into a disquisition on the worst TV commercial ad of all time.

Trenchant Observation One: Nearly every time a politician appends the words "of America" to the expression "The United States," it is unnecessary and represents a cynical and inappropriate effort to wring emotion from a crowd. Even the preamble to the Constitution just says "The United States." FDR added "of America" appropriately in his "day of infamy" speech, and George W. Bush used it appropriately exactly once, while addressing Congress after 9/11. But that may be it. The use of "Of America" for cheap sentiment is a national disgrace. The sin is compounded immeasurably every time someone ends a speech with "God Bless the United States of America," which is guaranteed to draw mindless applause.

Trenchant Observation Two: Anyone who gets a credit card that features the logo of his favorite team is an idiot. No exceptions made, including for the owner of the team.

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On Sunday, while watching the Giants stomp the Redskins, I saw the worst TV commercial of all time. By "worst," I don't mean the most annoying, or the most incomprehensible. I mean a commercial that fails most spectacularly in its main goal, which is, presumably, to sell the product. I believe Lexus has paid an ad agency millions to drive people away from their cars by the thousands.

For those of you who cannot get this link at work, the ad is simple: In a gauzy flashback, a pampered, lisping little girl of about eight is recalling her "bestest" Christmas present ever, which was a real, live, pony. And the bestest part of it was not the pony (which actually looks to be a deformed gnome-like horse with a red bow on it) but the fact that this present made Anne Marie, the less-wealthy neighbor girl, so horribly jealous that she drops her own crappy little plastic horse toy. The snotty pampered narrator girl says that nothing could be more... And then we flash ahead to the present, where she has become a snotty pampered wife in a rich subdivision standing in front of her expensive but sterile and featureless modern home. The woman says "...perfect," thereby (incidentally) completing a terrible bit of word usage. And we see past her adoring gaze to see that she is looking at a Lexus in her driveway, with a big red bow on it, as her older husband beams, realizing he has purchased at least one more mechanical, dutiful act of intercourse, featuring multiple faked orgasms, in yet one more chapter of their loveless, materialistic, gin-soaked childless marriage.

Okay, I am reading a little into that last bit. But what moron thought this was a good idea? Maybe Lexus owners are spoilt materialists (I take no position on this) but spoilt materialists don't like to THINK of themselves as spoilt materialists.

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Meanwhile, on the subject of ads, we have this one, which I was alerted to by this fine article by Gina Barreca and Lawence Cohen (she's got a new Jew!) in the Hartford Courant.

Please note: The ad IS safe for work, but many people might find it either repulsive or offensive. If you are dining or plan to dine in the future, you may wish to exercise caution in watching this video.

Okay. Watched it? Now take today's... INSTAPOLL: WOMEN | MEN.

I will give my thoughts later in the chat.

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Andrew Hoenig submits this superior aptonym.

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Please take today's poll (Door 1: Men, 37 and Younger | Door 2: Women, 37 and Younger | Door 3: Men, 38 and Older | Door 4: Women, 38 and Older).

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The Comic Pick of the Week is today's fabulous Big Nate. First Runner Up is the joint entry of yesterday and today's Watch Your Head.

Honorables: Yesterday's and today's Little Dog Lost. (I like this raccoon character.) Also Sunday's Candorville, and, in honor of today's poll, Sunday's Lio.

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Washington, D.C.: Hi Gene,

You often talk about poop shame in this chat, not being able to go number 2 in a public place. Well my poop shame has nothing to do with smell or embarrassment about the actual act, it has to do with the fact that because of some curse of my physiology, I clog toilets. Lots of them. All the time.

At home, no big deal, I use my plunger. But in a public place or a friend's house, I have to do the clogged toilet walk of shame. Any tips for how to get over this or deal with this constant source of stress when I travel?

Gene Weingarten: Aren't you glad this is an anonymous chat? No one but I know who you are, Carolyn.

Gene Weingarten: No one but me knows.

See how bad "No one but I" sounds? Did you all catch it?

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McLean, Va.: The only period in my life when I haven't experienced vivid dreams was for several years when my work schedule limited me to 3-5 hours of sleep per night. I guess I was so chronically sleep-deprived and tired that I either didn't dream or couldn't remember them.

In some ways, I wasn't sorry because my dreams are horrifying-I often wake up crying, flailing, or calling out in fear. I am frequently being chased, or even killed (sometimes as other "characters" rather than myself). And the killings aren't vague-I can see and feel the knives slicing my flesh, struggle as I am suffocating/drowning, feel the heat from the flames, etc. On rare occasions, I have been the killer. Something like this happens at least once every night.

I have tried to train myself to wake up and/or change the dream when it becomes too terrifying, but that doesn't always work. My dreams are so vivid that I am sometimes unsure if they were real or not, even long after awakening. I may have to ask someone if such an event actually occurred. Other times, I am absolutely convinced that something actually did occur, not even belatedly realizing it was a dream.

Conversely, as I was recently undergoing a traumatic experience in real life, I kept hoping it actually was a bad dream and that I would wake up. Unfortunately, it was real.

And, yes, I do have prescient dreams that come true, sometimes immediately -- like an unexpected death that occurs the day following the dream. I've also had the same dream, in pretty graphic detail, on the same night as another family member in another location.

I sometimes feel as if I'm living a Stephen King novel...

Gene Weingarten: When I am having a truly awful dream, I often suspect it is a dream and will myself to open my eyes. It is a tremendous act of will. The most welcome sight in the world to me, at times, has been the ceiling fan above my bed. It has rescued me from terror many times.

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Gene Weingarten: Almost forgot. In the last few weeks, several readers have written in to ask about where/when I might be available to sign the Old Dogs book. Fact is, Simon and Schuster has scheduled very few appearances; this is a book being sold nationally through a complex bookstore strategy.

However, something just came up: Michael Williamson and I will be at the University Club signing books tomorrow evening, from 5:30 to at least 7:30. This is a venue on 16th Street NW, around L Street. Books will be for sale, but you can bring those you've already purchased.

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Message from the future about aptonyms: Gene,

I write to you nearly century removed from your present time. I recently judged a contest of the best aptonyms of all time. I have also written historical books about humorists recognize you as a highly regarded practitioner of the form, so I decided to send the winner to you via electrochronomic inversion:

Sometime around the turn of the last century there was a vocally homophobic US Senator whose last name was Santorum.

Gene Weingarten: Carry your research back further. You will discover a man named Thomas Crapper.

One of the more interesting eponyms, actually, which I recently discovered, is that the word "guy," meaning a dude, harkens back to Guy Fawkes, who led the bold if harebrained scheme to blow up Parliament with the king and all the lawmakers inside, then withstood days of torturing without revealing the names of his co-conspirators, and then, to avoid being slowly drawn and quartered, leaped from the gallows, breaking his own neck and dying instantly. Definitely a guy.

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Wilmington, DE: There is a prayer known by Anglican/Episcopal choristers worldwide that starts:

"Bless O Lord us thy servants who minister in thy temple..."

I've left out punctuation because it varies with the source. Anyway, the prayer has always bothered me, because shouldn't it be:

"Bless O Lord WE thy servants who minister in thy temple..."

I've asked a local English teacher for a ruling and he says "us" is correct, but I'm not sure I can live in a world where "us ... who" is a valid grammatical construct. If PtP says it's correct, I will somehow survive, but it may require vast self-medicating with Prozac and rye whisky.

Gene Weingarten: Bless we?

Of course us is right. It is the object of bless.

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Smarterer than thou: I found a way to be happy about the economy. It came to me when I heard about yesterday's wall street bust based on news that the economy isn't doing well. I call it the Nose-in-the-clouds solution. Basically I finally figured out that 99 percent of stock brokers are a bunch of stupid monkeys if they panic because of something they already know just because it was written up in a nice report. I propose banning everyone but Vulcans from trading stocks.

Gene Weingarten: Here is what you have to remember about the market:

Market fluctuations are not based on people's day to day assessments of the state of the economy. Market fluctuations are based on people's assessments of what OTHER people's day-to-day assessmensts are gonna be, of the state of the economy. You get this skittishness because everyone assumes everyone else is an idiot. Which, by extension, everyone else is.

The market plummets because we all know we are smart but everyone else is a nitwit.

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Bangkok: Gene,

Greetings from Bangkok, where the airports have been closed by protesters for 7 days now, with no end in sight. I live here, so at least I'm not one of the 300,000 tourists stranded and scrambling for hotels/flights. Going home for Christmas is a 50-50 prospect at this point, so can you help me find something funny in our situation? Here's a start: the protesters are armed with plastic hand clappers and they've managed to drive away the police (and kidnap a couple of them). Ah well, at least it isn't Mumbai.

Gene Weingarten: Okay, we are all going to be very adult here and deplore the deplorable situation at the airport in Bangkok.

Good.

In checking out news reports, however, I am reminded how wonderful Thai names are. The chief protester is Parnthep Pourpongpan, and he is decrying the presidency of Mr. Somchai Wongsawat. I also noticed that there is a government agronomist named Komkrit Kittiporn.

This led to further research, where I found this name on Facebook: "Titiporn Ruangrattanathavorn." Under the picture, in Facebook style, it says: "Not the Titiporn Ruangrattanathavorn you were looking for? ..." etc.

It turns out Miss Universe 1988 was Porntip Nakhirunkanok.

Also there is a urologist in Niagara Falls named Chairat Butsunturn.

But I digress. The thing at the airport, with the plastic hand clappers, is tragic.

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Phleg, MA: A really world class aptonym from Dave Barry.

Gene Weingarten: It is! I was shocked that we had not heard of it before. It turns out we had. It was one of the first aptonyms mentioned in Chatological Humor,back in 2002!

washingtonpost.com: Chatological Humor, (Oct. 1, 2002)

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Arlington, Va.: Gene, ever since I started taking cholesterol medicine I have had the most vivid dreams of my life: in color of course, but also I feel textures, and it seems so real, very 3D-ish! And, I remember many of them, which is also unusual. Is there a connection, oh wise one???

Gene Weingarten: There is. Vivid dreams accompany lots of meds, especially before your system gets used to them. I hadn't heard about cholesterol meds do, but I know that blood pressure medicines are famous for this. Some people like it, some are totally freaked.

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Washington, D.C.: What's in a name?

Gene Weingarten: This chat has published, over the years, dozens of aptonyms better than any in this story.

I try to remember the best, but cannot. It may be Dr. Harry Beaver, gynecologist, but there are so many fine ones. I remain partial to Mr. Undercoffer, the man from the secret service.

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Fairfax, Va.: Funny comment about clogging toilets. I was in a hotel over the weekend where my first act was a toilet-clogging crap. Less than a half hour after checking in, I was back at the front desk asking the 14-year-old girl of this family-run HoJos if they had a plunger. Whee!

Gene Weingarten: Dave Barry would argue that the culprit here is the low-flow toilet. Dave remembers fondly how toilets used to be able to "suck down a mature sheep."

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My killer drea, MS: Gene, On October 5, 1989, I had a dream in which I was on an airplane with Bette Davis. She insisted on smoking a cigarette in one of those long cigarette holders. I asked her if she realized she was killing herself by smoking and began begging and pleading for her to stop. She refused, and I finally gave up. I recall feeling very sad in my dream that she refused to listen.

The next morning as I got ready to go to school, I saw the headline in the paper: "Bette Davis dead at 81."

To this day I feel responsible.

Gene Weingarten: Whenever I hear a report like this, the skeptic in me always militates against coincidence. I am guessing you heard this on the news the night before, maybe not even realizing you were hearing it. Cause if it was in the paper the next day, it had probably happened before you went to bed.

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Gene Weingarten: Okay, so women are mostly finding the licky commercial disgusting, ineffective and unsexy. Men are mostly finding it disgusting, ineffective and ... hot.

My feelings follow.

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Gene Weingarten: Here was my thinking on the Lick-toilet ad.

It's funny and pretty effective, and innocuous in the sense that we KNOW all these things were not only cleaned but damned well sterilized before this woman licked em. And yeah, sexy in a vaguely prurient way, which didn't bother me.

I say "was" my thinking because my thinking about it changed a little after consulting Rachel Manteuffel, an actual actor. Rachel didn't like it much, not because it was disgusting but because it was acted wrong. She said the woman did it like cheap porn, which ruined the whole feel of it - particularly for women, who are the real target of any ad about hotel room cleanliness. Rachel said she would have taken the gig -- if it were for good money from a reputable company -- but played it for laughs: Pursuing her goals conscientiously and methodically, like a job. Not a b-job.

Speaking of talented young women of my acquaintance, did you read Caitlin Gibson's cover piece in the magazine? It had many great and touching moments. My favorite was at the theme park, with the "Scuse me"s.

washingtonpost.com: A Teen, Born with Dwarfism, Undergoes the Grueling Process of Limb-Lengthening, (Post Magazine, Nov. 30)

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Eat, IN: Why do people have trouble eating after seeing or hearing disgusting things? Their food is not disgusting. Can't they separate the two? I've never had this particular problem.

Gene Weingarten: Nor do I. I've never understood this reaction, but it is so widespread that I respect it.

I can finish eating a meal if the person at the next table has just vomited.

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Not on the credit card, but . . .: What about checks? I have NYY checks, and I'd hate to think that they've been informing the world that I'm an idiot all this time.

Gene Weingarten: It's barely more excusable. Barely.

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Dreamwea, Vir.: Dear Dr. Morpheus,

Two weeks ago my wife dreamed that one of her co-workers came on to me. It is a co-worker she finds annoying and I find repulsive. I don't know her well enough to be annoyed yet.

After she woke up from the dream my wife was ticked off with me for allowing that to happen in HER dream!

Gene Weingarten: I hope you apologized.

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Baltimore: I like your observation about appending "of America" onto U.S.

Something similar is the way that sportscasters evince their reverence for pro football. Instead of just saying "NFL," they always stretch out: National Football League. As in: "That's what it takes to win games in The National Football League."

Gene Weingarten: Yes, exactly.

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Baltimore, Md.: Re the Lexus ad: The kicker, Gene, is that the ad is not trying to sell a Lexus, but get you to lease one! Imagine your joy on Christmas morning when you find out your significant other has committed the two of you to a three year, hideously expensive lease at the end of which you got nuttin'.

Gene Weingarten: True nuff.

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Tooth Dream?: Hi, Gene,

I have dreamed several times of my teeth falling out.

Usually, I notice they are loose, I mess with them until they come out, I realize I don't have grown-up teeth waiting like the first time I lost my teeth, I panic, I put them back in the slot, and they stick and heal back in place.

I've never told a soul - I thought it was unusual enough to mean there is something wrong with me, but if you listed it then it must be common enough.

How common is it? Does it have generally accepted meaning?

Thanks,

Gene Weingarten: It is among the most common of dreams! It signals, supposedly, like many of these, generalized anxiety.

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Germantown, Md.: When I was younger I had a few compulsions before I could go to sleep. I had to check under my bed, in my closet and then under the bed again before I could get into the bed. I had to do the second under bed check just in case someone slipped under the bed while I was looking in the closet. I then had to recite a prayer in a specific order. I was about 14 when this started and I had to pray for each of the victims I saw in pictures of the Oklahoma City bombing. This lasted about 6 years. Fortunately, I realized I was an atheist, so I could finally abandon the prayers! I've happily lost those quirks (compulsions) but now I have to have my red squishy pillow to fall asleep. I must toss it out of bed once I'm asleep because I've never see it in bed when I wake up even an hour later. I forgot to take it on a business trip once and that was a terrible mistake. I hadn't realized that I was doing it compulsively until now. Great.

Gene Weingarten: Awwww. You travel with Squishy!

You are a girl? Do you also travel with your own shampoo, or just Squishy?

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Arlington, Va.: This is probably a question for Miss Manners, but I thought I'd check with you first.

As I prepare to address envelopes to send holiday cards, I am confronted with the annual question of how to address envelopes to spouses with different last names. I thought you could provide me with the definitive answer (or, at least, your own personal preference). In instances where the spouses share the same last name, I would write: Mr. & Mrs. John Smith If Mr. & Mrs. Smith have children, I would write: The Smith Family

When the last names differ, it's a bit trickier. While technically "Mr. & Mrs. John Smith" would work, it seems to fly in the face of the independence of the wife from her husband. Would it be better to write "Mr. John Smith and Mrs. Sally Jones?" Similarly, to address a family, would it be "The Smith/Jones Family?"

Thanks so much.

Gene Weingarten: I'm glad you asked.

"Mr. and Mrs. John Smith" is would NOT work. It is horrible. It is horrible under all circumstances. I just asked The Rib about this, and she said:

"Mr. and Mrs. John Smith is acceptible, and is not insulting, if and only if John Smith's wife is also named John Smith. In all other circumstances, it is insulting, even if John's wife changed her last name to Smith when she married."

It is trebly awful if she has not. My wife is not and has never been named Weingarten.

You want to address the letter to the actual people you are sending the letter to. It may take a few extra strokes of the pen. But it's no more penstrokes, probably, than if you were addressing the letter to Ms. Porntip Nakhirunkanok.

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Sign, ME: I attended your Old Dogs presentation some weeks ago and have to say, you and Michael Williamson are adorable. Especially Williamson.

Signed, Sign my panties

Gene Weingarten: I signed this lady's panties. She is adorable, too.

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Gene Weingarten: Oh, I forgot. I had a Trenchant Observation Three:

Whoever made the Backspace key three times the size of the Delete key is an idiot.

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Dreaming in Col, OR: From today's NY Times

The Claim: Some People Dream Only in Black and White By ANAHAD O'CONNOR THE FACTS

In an age of high-definition television and vivid cinematography, it might seem peculiar to think that anyone would experience colorless dreams.

For many people, the dream state can be the most turbulent, emotionally intense part of the day. Falling, flying, failing exams and being chased are among the most frequently reported themes when people are asked in studies to describe their dreams. And yet for a small segment of the population, drifting off at night means reverting to a world of monochromatic hues.

Childhood exposure to black-and-white television seems to be the common denominator. A study published this year, for example, found that people 25 and younger say they almost never dream in black and white. But people over 55 who grew up with little access to color television reported dreaming in black and white about a quarter of the time. Over all, 12 percent of people dream entirely in black and white.

Go back a half-century, and television's impact on our closed-eye experiences becomes even clearer. In the 1940s, studies showed that three-quarters of Americans, including college students, reported "rarely" or "never" seeing any color in their dreams. Now, those numbers are reversed.

THE BOTTOM LINE

A small percentage of people dream in black and white.

scitimes@nytimes.com

Gene Weingarten: Interesting. This was alluded to last week, the color-TV thing.

Gene Weingarten: But I'm still skeptical. Why is NO ONE reporting dreaming in black and white?

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The Colu, MN: So -- did you keep score to find out how many wing-nut blogs posted your remarks as real?

washingtonpost.com: Below the Beltway, (Post Magazine, Nov. 30)

Gene Weingarten: I expected that someone, somewhere, was going to report that The Washington Post said Obama wants to give Al Qaeda a voting seat on the U.N. Security Council. But I haven't found it anywhere yet.

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The woman says "...perfect," thereby (incidentally) completing a terrible bit of word usage. : Wow. You better go after that Virginian who talked about forming a more perfect union. I think his name was Tom something...beginning with J...

Gene Weingarten: I actually went after him in the Gene Pool.

Someone alleged that in 18th century England, "perfect" meant "complete," and that Jeff was not, actually wrong. I have not researched this.

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Arlington, Va.: I sleep with a cat between my legs. I think that is probably a quirk. I also sleep all over the place but the cat just readjusts to my position. Yes, I'm a single 30-something fulfilling my stereotype.

Gene Weingarten: I was surprised by how many people reported quirks. Who else is willing to share?

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School dreams: Hi Gene, I graduated from college nearly 10 years ago, but I have recurring dreams about being on the campus on the first day of classes and realizing I'd forgotten my schedule, so I didn't know when or where my class was. I also have ones where I realize I'd forgotten about a class for most of the semester and fear I'll end up failing. I find it interesting that I have these dreams about college (or high school), but never about, say, a past job.

Gene Weingarten: Me, too. Only my college was almost 40 years ago.

I find it kind of creepy that humans are so incredibly diverse and magically gifted creatures, yet we all dream the same crap. What is that all about?

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Library-land: Gene,

According to the Encyclopedia of World Biography, Fawkes did name names, and was drawn and quartered after being hung.

"Whatever the case, the cellars beneath the Parliament buildings were searched on the night of November 4, and Fawkes was discovered, along with the gunpowder. Described as a very tall and desperate fellow, he gave his name as John Johnson. King James, according to Fraser, ordered that "the gentler Tortures are to be first used unto him et sic per gradus ad ima tenditur -and so by degrees proceeding to the worst]," although torture was illegal in England at the time, and had been since the signing of the Magna Carta, the 1215 document that restricted the power of the English kings. Fawkes was hung from a wall in manacles and probably placed on the rack, a notorious device that slowly stretched a prisoner's body until he lost the use of his limbs. After two days, Fawkes gave up the names of his co-conspirators, all but one of whom were tracked down and executed or killed. Prior to his execution by hanging in Westminster's Old Palace Yard on January 31, 1606, Fawkes was barely able to sign his own name on a confession. After dying on the scaffold, he was drawn and quartered."

Gene Weingarten: According to what I read, he gave up the names only of those already dead or captured. And though he was tortured, he was then sentenced to be partially hanged, then drawn and quartered alive. He cheated that final sentence by leaping off the scaffold, breaking his neck.

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Washington, D.C.: In the intro, re the Lexus commercial, you wrote: "their loveless, materialistic, gin-soaked childless marriage." You had me until "childless" - what does that have to do with anything? The other adjectives are clearly pejorative. Having children would somehow redeem these repulsive people, but being childless is proof of their shallowness?

Gene Weingarten: I KNEW someone would raise this!

Well, see, seeing the emptiness of their marriage otherwise, and the disgusting materialism and joyless sex, at least had their been children around squealing at their mother's pleasure, it might have lessened the paleness of the scene. See?

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Right Here: I used to work for a local pro sports team and have had very meaningless intercourse with three females in certain privileged areas of the sports teams facilities.

I just felt like telling someone.

Gene Weingarten: Okay, thanks.

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Travels with Shampoo: Why is it bad to travel with your own shampoo? Some hotels have good shampoo, but others put out the cheap crap. Some of that dreck isn't even worth swiping.

Gene Weingarten: It's not. I wasn't dissing it. It's simply a sign, an almost sure sign, that a person is a female. Men never bring shampoo, they'll use the hotel's.

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US of A: Gene,

You dummy! You are partly correct, and partly completely off-base on your United States (of America) argument. Yes, for most people that append "of America" to the United States it is to wrongly evoke some sort of national spirit. But, they are saying the actual name of our country. Our country is not "America" (that is a continent to the rest of the world), our country is not "The United States" (which can also be applied to our neighbors to the south, The United States of Mexico), our country is "The United States of America."

I know what you are going to say, "I am being too sensitive and over-thinking this issue." But GD it, someone has to say something! Plus, President-elect Obama always says God Bless the United States of America, are you saying he's wrong?!?!

USA! USA! USA!

Gene Weingarten: Yes, I am saying he is wrong.

We are Los Estados Unidos.

Do you think MEXICANS would call us that if they considered themselves Los Estados Unidos?

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"I sleep with a cat between my legs": Gene, I'm proud of your restraint and not taking the low road in responding to this post. You must be slipping.

Gene Weingarten: Too easy.

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Bedtime Quirk: I am a 26-year-old woman and I still sleep with the blanket that was given to me at birth. The kicker is that it's no longer a blanket - it's just the blanket edges that have been knotted into a foot-long rag. The only time I do not sleep with this blanket is when a significant other is sharing my bed. When that happens, the blanket goes into my pillowcase. This blanket has been on every trip I've ever taken and I'm pretty sure my essay about it is what got me into college.

Gene Weingarten: A blannie!

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According to what I read: and where did you acquire this knowledge? From Wikipedia? Sources, please, gentlemen.

Gene Weingarten: I think mine was the Wiki entry. I do not defend it. I am perfectly willing to be wrong about Fawkes.

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Claremont, CA: Oh great Gene, master of all things funny, I have a very important question that simply must be answered: what is the "edgiest" Pearls Before Swine comic that you have ever read? (Thank you for helping me out with this. It's for a project for school)

Gene Weingarten: Depends on what you call edge. There was a sequence of strips about three years ago in which rat and pig emerged from their panels, sat atop the frame, and lamented the terrible state of the rest of the comics. That was pretty edgy.

I remember not long ago, though, that Pastis had one of this croc characters die in panel. You heard his neck snap, and he was dead. I remarked at the time that I had never seen this in a "funny" strip (you'd see it all the time in early Dick Tracys, etc.) When I queried Pastis about it, he said, hm, he hadn't realized he'd crossed a barrier, but maybe he had.

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Grammar Question: A matter of life and death: What is the plural form of ne'er-do-well? I propose ne'ers-do-well (following the model of attorneys general and mothers-in-law), while the slack-jawed reprobate in the office next door insists on ne'er-do-wells.

Gene Weingarten: The reprobate is correct.

This is not like "faits accompli," for example, where there is a noun that must be pluralized. In this case, the noun is the entire expression. The s goes on the end.

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Dreamland: After your discussion of color in dreams and today's poll, I tried to examine the past few dreams. I think that, on reflection, color in dreams is largely irrelevant. It seems that there are visual images that are neither color nor black and white; they are images of no color. These are purer images than in the physical world, without the complication of energy at different wave lengths. In some cases, where color is explicitly germaine to the dream, we may dream the color or we may add or assume the color as we recollect it.

Now that's a dream of another color!

Gene Weingarten: I think you are right, and I think it explains the odd fact that while most people say they dream in color, a rather large percentage say they aren't sure.

Something odd is going on there, and it may be what you suggest.

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Feeling dreams: My dad died suddenly when I was 25, and for weeks I slept terribly. I had awful dreams of seeing him as he might look in the grave, moldering and ghoul-like. Then one night I was back home in a dream, and my dad came up from the basement and was miraculously whole, alive, vibrant. He asked why I seemed so sad, and I realized he had no idea he was dead. He started to tease me into giving him a smile, told me to cheer up, and hugged me. I felt his hug so strongly that I woke up. I sometimes think it was actually some sort of visitation. In any case, I never again had nightmares about him.

Gene Weingarten: Awwww.

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Arlington, Va.: The Los Estados Unidos reference brings up something I wonder about. Why do we translate the names of cities and countries when it would be just as logical to use the name the natives call it? Vien becomes Vienna, Firenze becomes Florence, et al.

Gene Weingarten: We have discussed this before, to no certain result.

I think it is Wien, not Vien.

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Men never bring shampoo, they'll use the hotel's. : And if there isn't any, because they stay in hotels that you most certainly can't lick, they'll use hand soap.

Gene Weingarten: I have used hand soap. I have also brushed my teeth with hand soap.

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Obama's Cabinet: Hillary Clinton

Eric Holder

Susan Rice

Change-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH-snort-change-

Gene Weingarten: I have not actually understood the logic of this attack.

What, you want him to bring in, like, state leiutenant governors and college professors to be cabinet members?

I would say all of these appointments signify change, if you define change as "a vast departure from the policy of the previous eight years." And if you realize you are looking at a cabinet that is not mostly white men in expensve suits.

The only fair challenge is Gates. Not change. And I actually think this was Obama's shrewdest move. You know how a lot of people who otherwise kind of liked Obama but were worried that he was going to abandon Iraq as he sort of promised he would? I think he is signalling something here. "Relax. I lied a little, okay?"

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Alexandria, Va.: Gene, What's your Facebook "friend" policy? Will you confirm anyone who friends you? Only the females? I see that you and I have a Friend in common (Post Magazine employee) and I'd love to "friend" you, but, really, there are few things more humiliating than a friend request that goes forever unconfirmed.

Gene Weingarten: I have confirmed every single friend request except one guy who prefaced it by chewing me out for being unfair to Dick Cheney.

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Trenchent Observation #4: Just who thought putting the Caps Lock key between Tab and Shift was a good idea?

Gene Weingarten: Yeah, good point.

Also "UNDO" should be the largest key on the board.

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Anonymous: Why is it not "mother-in-laws" or "Secretary of States" if "ne'er-do'wells" is correct?

Gene Weingarten: Because "in law' and "of state" modify the nouns before them. This is not true with Ne'er and do-wells.

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Minneapolis, MN: Since tape dispensers are loaded with the tape dispensed over the top, doesn't it make the most sense that toilet paper is dispensed in the same manner?

Gene Weingarten: It would, if toilet paper had adhesive on one side.

Ew.

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Tiger, Meet Owl: As a fellow fan of "Calvin & Hobbes," I humbly submit for your consideration a possible successor to its greatness: "Daisy Owl." It is, obviously, not at the level of "Calvin & Hobbes," but it's focus on childlike wonderment and sheer hilarity is quite refreshing. Take the 45 minutes necessary to read through the archives; you won't regret it.

Gene Weingarten: It's promising but comparing it to C&H is kinda silly. It's got the wonder, as you say, and the charm, but not the art, and most important: Many are kinda missing a gag. You have to deliver both humor and texture, consistently.

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Washington, D.C.: Why is it that when the name of a foreign country or city changes, or the name that we in the U.S. use for it changes, the name of an object or situation that is named after that place doesn't change? We don't order Beijing duck, or separate Thai twins, or see Myanmar Shave signs.

Gene Weingarten: This is also an important question.

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Hotel Shampoo: You travel to hotels that still give shampoo? I never used to travel with my own shampoo, but I've found over the last 15 or so years that hotel shampoo is getting rarer and rarer. I'm not talking the Bates Motel, either -- I've had hotel rooms ranging from Motel 6 off the interstate to $150/night convention center hotels where there's been no shampoo. I figured it was like meals on airplanes, but if you can still find the stuff, obviously I'm staying in the wrong places. Where are you still finding hotels that give you shampoo?

Gene Weingarten: There is usually shampoo, in my experience, but it's coming in smaller bottles.

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Asheville, N.C.: I always enjoy the discussions here about Bob Dylan. Imagine my surprise when I ran into Dylan reincarnated the other day as I was walking down the street. Check this out.

Gene Weingarten: This guy isn't bad. It's a conscious imitation, obviously. Y'know where he fails? The harp. Just can't get the same sound out of it.

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Laurel: Gene Weingarten: "UNDO" should be the largest key on the board.

But then "RE-DO" would have to be second-largest.

Gene Weingarten: Yes, true. Though, philosophically, if you hit "undo" twice, you ought to get the think you undid, no? I realize this would not be practical.

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Poll respon, SE: I was surprised to see that there are no dreams that "everyone" has. For years people were surprised that I never had the failure-to-perform-on-stage dream, especially since I am an amateur musician and actor and appear on stage quite frequently. I was alternately surprised to find that not everyone has the being chased dream (which I actually haven't had for many years). Good to know that these specific manifestations of anxiety aren't universal. (The anxiety, of course, is.)

Gene Weingarten: Actually, I was surprised to see just how universal all of these dreams seem to be. I haven't tallied lately, but it looked to me like most people chose at least five of them.

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Thos. Crapper: Wait! That's not an aptonym. The toilet is nicknamed 'crapper' because many of the early ones had Crapper's name affixed, no? The ever-reliable Wikipedia has pictures of the lovely trademark and also says he invented one of my favorite plumbing devices, the ballcock.

On the other hand, Philadephia distiller E.G. Booze IS a proper aptonym - and a darned good one, too - since the term is at least a century older.

Gene Weingarten: No! This is sort of amazing. The word crap, to indicate poop, existed prior to Crapper. You can look it up.

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Foreign Places: The one I will never understand is Germany

Gene Weingarten: Yeah. Other countries have their OWN names for Germany, too. Alemania. What is that about?

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Someone alleged that in 18th century England, "perfect" meant "complete," and that Jeff was not, actually wrong. : So you agree with Ambrose Bierce that people who use "dilapidated" to mean anything but the destruction of a stone edifice are illiterate?

Gene Weingarten: Uh, no.

I am not questioning that the poster is correct. I just don't know. Seems likely he is right. Jefferson cared about language.

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School dreams in reverse: I'm a college professor and have very vivid school dreams but they're of me showing up to teach unprepared or where I'm supposed to be giving an exam and have forgotten to write it or copy it. Or the worst, showing up to teach and absolutely not being able to get students to listen to me.

On the plus side, I never dream of showing up to teach while naked.

Gene Weingarten: This is the opposite of the classic school dream! I am excited. It is like the rest of us exacting some sort of revenge.

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Alexandria, Va.: Anyone else in Chat-land ever suffer from sleep paralysis? Google it if you haven't heard of it. You're awake but can't open your eyes or move a muscle at all, and it's very freaky. Hasn't happened to me in 7-8 years, but it used to happen a lot. My sister thought I was nuts when I first described it to her way back when, but it's a real condition. Makes dreams seem so normal...

Gene Weingarten: Achenbach used to have this. He once remained paralyzed, and he swears, unable to breathe, through the entire length of "Stairway to Heaven."

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This is Rachel: It isn't that women don't like porn that makes the ad ineffective. It's that the linkage with internet porn -- the filming style, her expression, her particular style of going about this gig--makes one think of the opposite of clean. There are videos like this of women paid to do absolutely disgusting things, so how does this paid woman prove the room is clean at all? Plus, she licks the spoon and puts it right back. The message is, basically, hotel rooms are incredibly filthy.

washingtonpost.com: Hi Rachel!

Gene Weingarten: Hi, Rachel!

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Bleach breath: Anyone else take notice of the "bleach breath" comment you made last chat?

Wow.

Gene Weingarten: No! It went uncommented on. I sure dodged a bullet there!

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Buffalo, N.Y.: Re. perfection. The word did have other connotations in the 18th century. One of the "historical questions" asked of Methodist ministers since the time of John Wesley is "Do you expect to be made perfect in this lifetime?" and the right answer is "yes" since Wesley meant "perfect" to be in a wholly right relationship with God. (But not sinless or "perfect" in the everyday discourse sense.)

Gene Weingarten: Thank you.

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More perfect union: Jefferson didn't write the Preamble to the Constitution. It was a group effort, but if anyone gets the credit it's Madison.

Gene Weingarten: True, true. Sorry.

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Washington, DC: Gene,

You must be aware of the internet meme known as a "lolcat"; captioning a picture of a cat with a funny phrase or expression. Apparently, someone has found quite possibly the oldest lolcat ever from 1905.

Apparently, humor transcends time.

Gene Weingarten: Yeah. I find lolcats boring. I find this cat boring. I think I find cats boring.

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Qwertyuiop: I cannot believe that you are seriously entertaining questions about the keyboard that are so clearly ignorant of the history of the typewriter. The Caps Lock key is next to the shift key because it pushed down the same metal strip as the shift key. The Backspace key is larger than the Delete key because it has a longer history and legacy, and people are more likely to correct their mistakes immediately rather than going back to correct them "forwards"; but I suppose in another couple of years this will no longer be true.

No wonder standards at the paper have gone to hell. Where the @#% is the copy boy?

Gene Weingarten: There is no reason either key cannot migrate. More people delete forwards than backwards.

Here;s another thing: The insert key. There shouldn't even BE an insert key. Do you know how much copy has been accidentally typed over because of the accidental deployment of this key?

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Gene Weingarten: Okay, thank you all. For a while, there will be no updates. And again: Please keep an eye on the chat schedules. Some may be moved in the next several weeks.

Hope to see some of you tomorrow, 5:30- 7:30, University Club.

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