washingtonpost.com
Washington Sketch

Dana Milbank
Washington Post Columnist
Thursday, December 11, 2008 1:00 PM

Post columnist Dana Milbank, who serves as the capital's foremost critic of political theater in his Washington Sketch columns and videos, was online Thursday, Dec. 11 taking your questions and comments about the things politicians say -- and the absurd ways they find to say them.

A transcript follows.

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Dana Milbank: Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. I would like to begin this press conference by saying that I have never had any contact with that mother bleeper Rod Blagojevich, and I am highly confident my staff did not have any contact with him either, because I do not have a staff.

With that, I will be pleased to take questions from you or from the hardworking employees of the Justice Department.

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Bored at work...: Was happy to see that Blagojevich gave The Sketch an early Christmas present.

I need you to settle a debate we were having at work yesterday: Did Blago steal Michael Dukakis' hair? If so, should that be added to the list of charges?

Dana Milbank:

In fact this is exactly how Dukakis's hair looked before he started wearing a combat helmet.

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Minn.: I've heard that prolonged use of a tin-foil hat can result in "Blagojevich hair." If that is the case, where do you suppose the esteemed governor of Ill. thinks Obama was born?

washingtonpost.com: President Alien, and Other Tales From the Fringe (Washington Sketch, Dec. 9)

Dana Milbank:

I wonder if they will make him cut the hair in prison, for the same reason they take away your shoelaces.

I suspect it is a matter of time until Fitzgerald releases the transcript of Blago offering Obama: "I'll get you a bleeping American birth certificate, but this is something valuable and I won't give it away for nothing."

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Evanston: Hey Dana, I like your new PDB segment on Campbell Brown. Is it now an every day thing that runs a little bit after the half hour? You should post your CNN appearances on your semi-blog.

Dana Milbank:

Thanks for that opportunity to do some self promotion, Evanston. Yes, the PDB, or political daily brief, runs (pretty much) every night on Campbell's show at 8:30, give or take. The semi-blog is going (back) into retirement, but we're at work on a slick new page that will aggregate all things Sketch-related.

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Arlington: I know the media is reluctant to jump into the Blago story because of the risk to Obama, but it's just so delicious! Blago actually seems to think he's innocent! And that hair! What's not to like about this story?

Maybe you could just leave the word "Democrat" out of the stories -- you know, like you do with all their other scandals.

Dana Milbank:

Are you sensing some reluctance from ME? Bleep you.

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Ocala, Fla.: Shouldn't the people of Illinois have realized that electing a Dennis the Menace double would lead to trouble?

Dana Milbank: Yes, maybe it's more Dennis the Menace than Dukakis. And just a hint of Elvis thrown in the mix.

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Waldorf, Md.: From today's Dana Priest chat -- Dana squared: It seems like a couple of lifetimes have passed since the Dana and Dana chat. Will we ever enjoy such a collaboration again?

Dana Priest: I'm hoping so... I haven't seen my other half for a while. We've been moving in different circles... so to speak. Maybe we can get together in the new year.

What kind of putrid circles must you be traveling in, if the lovely and talented Ms. Priest can't locate you? Can you explain/defend yourself?

Dana Milbank:

I have no excuse other than I have been avoiding the office for fear that I will discover I no longer have a job.

But if Priestess will stoop to chat again, it will be done in the New Year.

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D.C.: For the record, he didn't steal Dukakis' hair. He stole it from a Lego man.

Dana Milbank: We are really getting our arms around the Blago 'do now.

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Dennis the Menace/Dukakis/Elvis: I was thinking he actually looks a little like Moe Howard. Zoinks. He certainly is about as smart.

Dana Milbank: Bleep yeah!

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Brooklyn: Yeah, Blago's got that hair, but he still won't be the belle of the ball in prison. I think we can all agree that nobody beats the hair of Jim Traficant. Nobody!!!!

Dana Milbank:

I'll be bleeped if you aren't correct.

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Knoxville Tennessee: All right, Dana, confess now... How much did you have to pay Sen. Vitter to use the term "ass-backwards"? Or when it happened, did you drop to your knees and thank the comedy gods for a class-A freebie that will pay off for weeks to come?

Dana Milbank: I was actually in the Senate press gallery when he said that yesterday. Even the AP writers were giddy about it. And Vitter sort of looked as if he knew he should not have said what he just said on the senate floor. Sort of the way Howard Dean looked after he said "hide the salami" on Hardball.

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Arlington: The hair explains why there's no sex in this scandal. Excuse me, motherbleeping scandal.

Dana Milbank:

But did you hear the mouth on his bleepin' wife?

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Washington: So is cussing now going to become more fashionable and accepted in society? If so, then @#$% yeah!!!

Dana Milbank:

I still believe that my proudest moment in journalism was when a Washington Post story about the vice president, under my byline and that of the late Helen Dewar, contained the words "bleep yourself," except we didn't use a bleep.

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Censored Texts: Dana, which do you believe would have more text censored from it: the minutes of a meeting between Cheney and anyone else, or a conversation with Blago?

Dana Milbank: Oh, bleep. Imagine a phone call between Cheney and Blago.

It would sound like a George Carlin monologue.

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Farmington Hills, Mich.: I dunno -- Blago's hair kinda reminds me of Peter Falk in Colombo

Dana Milbank: Bleep 'em coming.

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Blago's hair: I'm thinking Devo, myself...

Dana Milbank:

That one is bleepin' brilliant.

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washingtonpost.com: Cheney Dismisses Critic With Obscenity (The Washington Post, June 25, 2004)

Dana Milbank:

Ahem.

I can't repeat it, but I can link to it.

Thanks to the incomparable Elizabeth Terry at washingtonpost.com

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Bethesda, Md.: How much do you want to turn over the Sketch for a day? Maybe just a Sketch chat? What about the chance to play a drinking game with Shailagh?

Dana Milbank:

Foolishly, I already offered my guest room to a college friend -- a Canadian, no less -- before I learned how much it was worth. At this point I don't think I should charge for floorspace. I'll just leave the key under the doormat.

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Blago's Hair: Kinda made me think of Keanu Reeves' 'do in "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure".

Dana Milbank: I wonder if the incomparable Elizabeth Terry can get us some links to these bleeping excellent hairdo models.

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Minneapolis: Hi Dana -- Great chat. Now that the Minn. Court of Appeals has handed Sen. Craig his latest defeat, what's next? Can an appeal to the U.S. Supreme Court be far behind, or are any remaining legal options pretty much down the john?

Dana Milbank:

A good question. Obviously, if the Minnesota Supreme Court takes up the Craig case, it will become a precedent-setting landmark case in the emerging field of bathroom law and subject to respect under the doctrine of stare decisis. On the other hand I am not sure if the state supreme court wants to take such a wide stance on this issue.

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Obama's birthday: I am totally fascinated (in a slightly scared way) by the "Obama was born in Kenya" people. Are they for real? Do they really believe what they are saying or do they really not like he that much? Do you wonder if reporting on them will cause more people to put on tin-foil hats and join them? I think they are funny and all, but I wonder if more people besides my husband's nutty second cousin are going to be jumping aboard this train wreck.

Dana Milbank: I thought I recognized your husband's nutty second cousin at the National Press Club on Monday. I actually got an outpouring of protest from some in the tinfoil brigade who suspect I, and factcheck.org, are part of the conspiracy to conceal the president-elect's status as an illegal alien because of his African birth and Indonesian adoption.

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Chicago: What are the Washington Post's rules for censoring profanity? It always struck me as puerile to convey an expletive but not spell it out. I mean what the bleep. We know what is being communicated but we don't want to see those evil letters. Please don't say it's to protect the children. Though getting children to read it might preserve some of the Post's rapidly deteriorating long-term prospects.

Dana Milbank: It is on a case by case basis, so sometimes we really bleep up. While I did triumph once with the f word, I have also had scores of perfectly harmless phallic references circumcised.

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washingtonpost.com: Keanu Reeves in Bill and Ted ... Lego man (as James Bond) ... Moe Howard ... Devo ... Columbo

Dana Milbank:

The incomparable Elizabeth Terry has come through! This is a sign of her fine education, one of the few to have studied from the same schools as both Chelsea Clinton and Barbara Bush.

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Foil Hat Dept.: In the photo of Obama's family from the sketch, his mom looks like Morticia Addams, or the mom from Munsters (what was her name?) Has anyone investigated the possibility that he's not even human? Or does that not affect his eligibility as long as he's a natural born U.S. monster?

Dana Milbank: An actual quote from the president-elect, from the Al Smith dinner in New York:

"I was actually born on Krypton and sent here by my father, Jor-el, to save the planet Earth."

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Kensington, Md.: I am so disappointed that the liberal media is covering up Vince Foster's role in the Obama birth certificate fraud. He's the one who helped the Terminator go back in time to plant those two birth announcements in the Honolulu newspapers. It's there as plain as day for anyone willing to see it.

That, and the fact that Malcolm X is Barack's real father are the worst kept secrets on the internet. And while we're on the subject, are you pretending not to notice how blatantly Kenyan the name Obi-Wan Kenobi is? The entire Star Wars series was just a liberal Hollywood device to ready us all for Obama's presidency.

I want your job so badly it hurts, Dana!

Dana Milbank: See, and everybody thought irony would be dead with the departure of 43.

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swirly big hair: Bob (of Bob's Big Boy)

washingtonpost.com: Bob

Dana Milbank: Give it up for Elizabeth Terry!

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gravity defying hairdos: Jimmy Neutron

washingtonpost.com: Jimmy

Dana Milbank:

Let's just call this the Elizabeth Terry Show.

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He is lego man!: With Moe Howard's eyebrows.

Why did Queer Eye for the Straight Guy go off the air? Their services are needed in politicians' offices across the nation.

washingtonpost.com: I actually think he looks like Sean Astin with darker hair. -- Elizabeth

Dana Milbank:

We've come a long way from Dukakis.

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Detroit, Mich.: What about the guy on Hawaii Five-O?

washingtonpost.com: No idea what this dude's name is

Dana Milbank: Now this chat shows the real strength of citizen journalists. We have created a veritable wikipedia entry of Blago hairdos.

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"I was actually born on Krypton and sent here by my father, Jor-el, to save the planet Earth." : At last, the smoking gun! You have done a great bleeping public service, giving us Biden as President...

Dana Milbank:

Well, Biden, at least, has never been accused of having Lego man hair.

That's it for me. Have a great bleeping week.

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