Washington Post Magazine: The Kid Tamer

Life was getting trickier for Sheila and Ernest Dixon and their three sons, and the couple believed the time was ripe for hiring a family coach. Along came Lisa Carey.

Family coach Lisa Carey, Springfield, Va. mom Sheila Dixon and freelance writer Karen Houppert were online Monday, December 22 to discuss Houppert's cover story, "The Kid Tamer." Karen Houppert is a freelance writer and the author of Home Fires Burning: Married to the Military For Better or Worse. Lisa Carey runs a family coaching business. Sheila Dixon runs a networking business for women entrepreneurs.

A transcript follows.

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Lisa Carey: Good afternoon. I am Lisa Carey and I am a mother, wife, family coach, and business owner. I don't believe in trying to create the "perfect" family, instead, I work with 7 ways to coach your teen (or pre-teen) - as written in the book Parent as Coach by Diana Sterling. I have personally been using this method for 8 years, as well as coaching the method, and it has changed my family's life.

I welcome any questions on the book, my coaching programs or how it works in my own family.

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Sheila Dixon: Hi,

This is Sheila Dixon. I look forward to your questions.

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Karen Houppert: Hi, I'm Karen Houppert, the reporter who shadowed Sheila while she employed a family coach. I look forward to answering your questions.

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Washington, D.C.: What a joy and a pleasure to read an article about parenting in which the parents happen to be people of color. The story wasn't about drugs, welfare, inner-city living, crime or violence, it was just about PARENTS. Washington Post, you could really make a difference by continuing to have stories like this. I think if you look back over your feature stories, even though unintentional, the stories featuring people of color are either negative or "triumph over adversity" type stories.

Thanks so much and keep it up, this may seem like a small thing but it's not.

Karen Houppert: Good point. I appreciate your comments--and will keep them in mind as I search out subjects for stories in the future.

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Online: I'm exhausted just reading this. And I commend what they are trying to do, I think. I'm just tired and stressed for them. I just have one child (although admittedly one full time job and one entrepreneur-like job) and a messy house. Bed making is not high on my list. But I feel if I were more organized, my daughter would learn better skills -- and we would both excel without the 'stress of the mess'. But would we have as much fun?

Sheila Dixon: FUN is always to be had! I've gone on strike as a mom and it only hurts everyone :) Each of has found that being responsible for our selves and our house is about increased clarity, focus, accomplishment and not having excuses for life issues when larger decisions need to be made. After the BIG job of organizing, it's easier to do maintenance and keep moving. I believe there is a correlation between the organization and learning skills in school. Dorion notices a HUGE difference himself with being more organized at school. The grades have also been impacted and I'm grateful he used natural consequences to increase the power within him for a successful year.

Lisa Carey: I am all about FUN too! What is important to focus on are the things that are important to you as well as developing a great relationship with your child.

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Alexandria, Va.: Had to laugh at the "Battle of the Bedroom" between the boys. My two younger sisters were like that: one super-neat, the other super-slob. They shared a room from childhood through high school, and then again for a couple years in university, and you could draw a line down the middle, all those years, and know which side was whose. We are now all in our 50s; Super-Neat is still neater than Super-Slob, and their own kids, now adults, tend to follow their mothers' respective paths, but my sisters are best friends with each other and always will be. I hope the same will be true of Dorion and Damon.

Sheila Dixon: With Lisa's assistance, the boys have more respect for each other and their differences. I've seen more high fives and mommy approved wrestling :). They are better friends and are respecting each other's space. Darron the 3 year old is making a difference as well by following their lead.

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Washington, D.C.: My major issue as a parent is one of time and boundaries. My kids needs bleed into my work time (driving them to pediatricians, seeing plays, making phone calls for their needs during work hours) and my work bleeds into home life (American, European and Japanese clients email me 24 hours a day, 7 days a week from 6 time zones). I refuse to drive into work on Saturday or Sunday, but still need to put in about 90 minutes each night on work, 7 days a week since my last vacation in August, but also including Thanksgiving Day, etc. This morning I found myself drawing a different cartoon face on about 20 ziploc bags so my kids would have a few week's worth of "special" things from Dad and I felt myself start to snap at the absurdity of it all, of giving my kids hand-drawn lunches as I pre-bag baby carrots for the entire week because there's no way for me to get up at 6 am to bag in the morning when I'm answering emails at 1 am in time for the workday to start in Germany at 2 am. And one of my best friends got laid off, so this is no time for me to grumble about work...

Lisa Carey: Boundaries are one of the hardest and most important things to learn (and practice) as a parent and as person. What I recommend is taking a look to see what you HAVE do do and what you feel you SHOULD do. I am recommending this as someone who HAD to do it to preserve my sanity.

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late child: Any suggestions on how to deal with a 12 year old that can't get anywhere on time? She appears to be incapable of hurrying. In the mornings, for school, we've tried rewards for success, removal of priviledges for failure, preparing better the night before, scheduling out every step of the process... nothing works for more than a day or so. Any magic bullet that you know of?

Lisa Carey: I think you have a fairly typical situation. My recommendation is to find the real issue. Most likely it is that she doesn't want to go to school, or maybe it is the bus or the first class of the day. This will take listening from her point of view. If there isn't an issue then make not getting to school on time her problem. If you make an agreement that she must leave at 7:30 and she agrees, make sure you have an agreement on what happens when she is not ready. When she is not ready - do what you promised. And stick to it!

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Fredericksburg, Va.: I was delighted to see an article about balancing work, home and family. Particularly one that focused on an African American family. I too am a working mother, trying to balance work and family with two growing boys 6 and 10 and a husband who has his own business and travels frequently. I can totally relate to Sheila and the struggles of maintaining. I also understand about putting our interests and goals on the back burner. Sheila -- please be encouraged and know you are doing a good job -- and your time will come.

Sheila Dixon: Thank You. WBIS is a process of developing valuable relationships with others to excel in their life and business. I've been truly appreciative of the the ladies who are dedicated to and understand the mission of WBIS. 4 years ago Lisa was a speaker at my luncheon.While I did not know her personally then, her message was VERY clear and I'm grateful.

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Silver Spring, Md.: I want to start by saying that I think this family is in pretty good shape!

My husband struck out on his own as a consultant some years ago, and I think it's a pretty big deal. I have to think that if Sheila has been running this network thing for almost 5 years without turning a profit/income that it isn't really a viable business. Why not drop that for now and devote yourself 100% to supporting your kids while husband in his new Pharmacy?

I feel like it's not authentic to be hardening the kids off with extra chores, responsibilities etc. in anticipation of Dad's new venture, which appears to represent a pretty big investment, while Mom is more or less pursuing a hobby-job.

I realize that everybody comes into parenthood with a different background and focus, and it's a good thing for kids to do their chores, but instead of pushing more responsibilities onto the older kid, why not devote yourself to them?

Sheila Dixon: Devoted to children to me means giving of oneself and guiding one's children to be the best they can, without losing sense of oneself. They will be on their own when Ernest and I will be approaching 60 or so. With the vitality we have working now, it's our mission to keep in high mode so when it's time to retire, we are on the same page.

While I am the marketing director of the pharmacy, it's important for me to structure our new life in a way that is authentic for all of us. Looking at all the gifts we have been given and being of service to others, is our goal. Developing our family plan will be very important so at the end of the day... we continue to give.

As for my business. WBIS is in R&D mode. Given the type of business it is, there are many variables to consider. It's important this year to evaluate and make concrete decisions to move forward in a way that is sustainable and profitable.

Karen Houppert: I find it interesting--though not unusual--that "Silver Spring" quickly insists it is the mother's responsibility to make compromises to her career for the sake of the children. Leaving aside the fact that I do not think these boys are suffering one bit from lack of parental "devotion," I'm continually amazed that even in 2008 when we pay lip-service to the idea of co-parenting, we still actually hold mom primarily responsible. If sacrifices need to be made, we continue to insist that mom make them. Hmmm, what's that about?

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Fairfax, Virginia: For Lisa: Do you have a method of coaching parents of special needs children?

Lisa Carey: Yes I do. My daughter had learning disabilities and I have also coached the parents of a child with Asperger's. Each instance is different so please check my website and send me an e-mail and we can talk in more detail.

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12 year old's "temper tantrums"?: Hi,

I am taking care of my niece while her mother (my sister) is in Iraq. Is it possible for 12-year-olds to have temper tantrums? Not the kick and scream on the floor kind, but the door-slamming shouting "I hate you" type. Any suggestions on how to help this little girl?

Many thanks for your help!

Lisa Carey: Absoulutely. She is obviously sad and frustrated. One of the things I would recommend is checking out the www.parentascoach.com web site and look at the "message to parents". Her "I hate you" is a cry that she wants you to understand what is going on in her life.

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Alexandria, Va.: It's great that the family coach is helping these parents to sort out the problems with the boys, but what about the sleep-deprived pharmacist?? Yikes. Any word about the dangers of taking on that sort of a schedule where mistakes can be a life or death matter for the customers?

Sheila Dixon: His wife ensures he takes the time needed to maintain his livelihood as much as possible and has been coaching him to work smarter and not harder :). He also knows his body and has a personal plan in place to maintain his abilities. This process has been temporary and now he can work on his business to increase the level of patient counseling that is needed in today's time. This is one of the reasons why he opened his independent pharmacy.

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Munich, Germany: Perhaps there is a societal "push to be a really perfect family", but also maybe even a functional family. Do typical family coaches work with single parent families or families with children in the awkward and rebellious teenaged period? I'd guess that a 15 or 16 year old would be difficult to win the trust of.

Karen Houppert: I'm going to take the liberty of answering this question for Lisa--and some of the other family coaches I interviewed in the course of this article: Absolutely, they work with single parents and parents of teens, where the issues get much thornier.

In fact, I sat in on some of Lisa's coaching with another family--the single mother of a teenaged girl. I'm sure Lisa can weigh in with how her coaching differs when it comes to teens (versus preteens and younger), but one of the things I noticed was that the teens were also invited to evaluate the parenting that was going on, to spell out to the coach what they wished the parents did differently. Then coach helped the teen communicate with her mom and vice versa.

Lisa Carey: I am working with 2 families now that fit your situation perfectly. That age group is a little more difficult to win the trust of - because people do not trust them. Check out www.parentascoach.com and watch the live show and look at the message to parents.

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Albuquerque, New Mexico: Diana Sterling here, author of The Parent as Coach Approach and founder of Family Coach Training. Happy to listen and chime in as needed! Onward! Great work Sheila, Lisa and Karen!

Karen Houppert: Hello, Diana. Glad you could join the chat. Especially since some of our participants have been wondering about coaching teens. As I recall, your book focuses heavily on parenting teens and really came out of your experiences with parenting as your own kids reached their teenage years. One of the things I found particularly interesting was your desire to challenge our prevailing negative stereotypes about teens. And it's true, as a culture we are quick to dis teens as troublesome, hormone-driven, unpleasant folk whom we merely endure until they reach a more pleasant adulthood. In your book, you ask us to look closely at this message we send our teens--and explore how it affects them.

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Fairfax, Virginia: How is Lisa's style of parent coaching different from other methods?

Lisa Carey: I use the Parent as Coach method which was written by Diana Sterling. It is centered around the 7 ways to coach your teen. Respect, Listen, Understand, Appreciate, Support, Responsible and Independence. We deal with these methods and requests and agreements. I am not totally familiar with other methods - because this one works for me and has worked vary well for the families I work with.

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Been there, done that: Although I didn't have the help of a coach, my two turned out ok but it was a learning process for all of us! Some times having a detached view helps!

Organizing tip - I'm a big fan of baskets. Stuff left around the house goes into each person's basket. For some reason, iPods, headphones, books etc just seem neater when contained.

Just have to say this for Lisa: WE ARE PENN STATE! My youngest just graduated this past May. Wonderful experience for all!

Lisa Carey: Yes WE ARE PENN STATE - What I want for New Year's is a Rose Bowl win.

Baskets are a GREAT idea! I periodically hire a personal organizer to help me.

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Washington, DC: As my two boys get older (now 4 and 7 years old), the time-out chair seems to be losing its effectiveness. We've been taking away treats if X (whatever task is at hand) is not done, but then I usually end up having to do whatever that task is. Any hints at providing incentives for the age group in question?

Lisa Carey: Absolutely. Requests and agreements work well at all ages. When they are doing something you don't want - then ask them to stop - then ask them what the pentalty should be if they do it again. Make sure you agree. Then stick to the agreement!

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Alexandria, VA: Hi Sheila,

Just wanted to let you know that I really enjoyed reading this article. I would love to hear more about how you were able to utilize Lisa to bring balance into your home. My husband and I both work full time jobs outside the home. Often we feel as though with all we having going on with our girls (ages 9 and 4) and our church (we are active MPBC members--I work in the nursery on 1st Sundays), we are two ships passing in the dark. Kudos to you for taking charge!!

Sheila Dixon: We are members of MPBC in Herndon. If you follow their leadership...it ALL works out :). Lisa takes a very objective stance for each person and guides them to understand the other's issues. She was very forthright with her questions and as any successful coach does, your family will find a system that works best for you and your circumstance. For us Lisa was very forthcoming regarding our business and life plans for our family. There is definately give and take in our relationship and it's been a process of us scheduling our time and ensuring the boys are not over scheduled while we serve.

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Washington, D.C.: Sheila, do you share Lisa's evident discomfort with homosexuality, or were you aware of any ways your values diverge? It seems as though it would be odd to have someone so intimately involved with your life if you didn't have similar views. Lisa, is this ever an issue with you and your clients? How do you address it?

Lisa Carey: Not sure where you thought I was not comfortable with homosexuality? Could not be farther from the truth.

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Alexandria VA: I think it's great that the 11 year old is learning to do his own laundry and make meals. It is appalling to me how many kids reach the age of 18, leave home, and don't have a clue how to clean their rooms, take care of their clothes, prepare at least a few simple meals. A good parent teaches their kids how to be capable adults, and certainly household management has to be a part of that. My mom did the same for us - I was responsible for family dinner one night a week when I was 12. That is certainly old enough to be capable, and it's a terrific ego-boost to children to stretch their abilities and competence at that age.

Sheila Dixon: I LOVE IT TOO! The boys seem to enjoy helping if I'm in the process of preparing a meal. When their friends come over, they hop in as well. Especially like today, they are capable of preparing a lunch while I'm enjoying my time :).

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Alexandria: I'm exhausted reading this too. I'm all for "natural consequences," and might also suggest building in a lot of structures that help make the right things happen. What about cubbies for the boys' sports equipment, for instance, so their stuff is always in the same place? Lisa, do you ever work with a professional organizer, or do you give organizing and design suggestions yourself? Life can be much less hectic if good design is considered for everyone's needs. That would address a lot of the issues.

Lisa Carey: I constantly work with a personal organizer. I use her myself and recommend her constantly. One of the things that is important is to ask the child how you can help them. That may be that they need a "cubby" or that they need you to talk to them while they are cleaning their room.

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At Home, Va.: Reading about Sheila's frustration with Dorion, not clearing his room and not remembering things in general, reminded me of a recent posting on the Carolyn Hax chat. In response to a wife complaining about her husband's lack of follow through, one poster offered his solution: " I don't know if your husband just gets off-task or doesn't actually want to do stuff, but if it's the former, this has been my experience: I constantly amaze myself at my capacity to forget at least 2 tasks off a list of 8 of things that I do DAILY. (Sadly, I didn't do enough drugs to explain this, it really is my natural brain chemistry working). So, I have a 3-ring binder, with sheet protectors in it. I have a separate sheet for morning, after-work, and before bed, with a list of things to get done at each time. I have a list of things that should be done at that time ("Start load of laundry") You could further modify this for routine tasks for each day of the week too. I have a highlighter and mark off what I've done, which gives me a sense of progress. The next day I wipe the sheet protectors clean and start again. The advantage with this system is that I have to remember ONE thing: check the folder. No one has to nag me, I know what needs to get done, and it's easy to see what's left to do." It seems to me this is a useful tool for anyone in a busy household

Lisa Carey: Sounds like a great idea - I have to use a planner myself

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Washington, DC: What's the difference between you and the ABC TV show, "Supernanny?" One great idea "Supernanny" posed was the homework corner/organizer. What do you think about that item?

Lisa Carey: Well the first thing is that I don't move in with the family. For the most part my coaching is done with the parents when the kids are not around. The parent makes the requests and agreements - not me. As far as the organizer - ANYTHING that supports what you are doing with your child is great.

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Fairfax, Va.: For Sheila: What was your greatest "take away" from the coaching experience?

How likely are you to recommend to other parents to invest in coaching for their families?

Sheila Dixon: The greatest take away is that I have comfort knowing that in these uncertain times the basics of parenting are the same it's just the process having more tools to get to your desired objective the best you can.

Having Lisa to bounce off thoughts, ideas and then implementing them has been great. Through this experience I would DEFINITELY encourage others to invest in parenting coaching. It's great to have wonderful neighbors, parents and friends to talk with but they are more subjective with their answers and are probably in the same boat as you.

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Diana Sterling: Thanks Karen for your keen insight about our new perspectives. For clarification: I asked teens themselves "what do you need to be successful?" and they told me. The Seven Deperate Requests are transposed to us, the adult with Seven Ways to coach your teen in the game of life. The idea is to do all we can to create the outcome of the young person FEELING and KNOWING self-respect, litening to their postive intentions, understanding their gifts, creating appreciation for themselves and others and learning how to support, not rescue others.

Lisa Carey: Thanks, Diana

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Diana Sterling : In terms of the always late 12 year old, how about a paper or written CHORE BOARD or some mechanism that she would like so she has to check off little boxes - a success board?

Lisa Carey: Another great idea from the Author of Parent as Coach

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Olney, Md.: I agree with the last comment. Kudos to the Post for including an article on the importance of parents investing time and money on learning how to be just that -- parents. And kudos to the Dixons for recognizing that there is help out there. Maybe some of the future articles could focus on some other resources, such as parent education classes. There's a fabulous local nonprofit called the Parent Encouragement Program that's been in the DC area for the past 26 years that provides just that -- positive parenting education. But for some reason, parenting only gets covered in the media when it's examples of negative or not too successful parenting.

Lisa Carey: Very true - Thank you to the Washington Post Magazine and Karen Houppert for starting the change!

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Northern Va.: I appreciated that the family in the article were trying to raise a family the right way. What I don't understand is why a coach is needed. I'm not criticizing, but I really don't understand. When I was growing up, the only "coaching" I needed was my mother's hand, a stern word, and a desire to have a great life. What is it about raising kids today that makes people rely heavily on coaches, doctors and psychologists? This isn't really the meaning of "it takes a village to raise a child." What ever happened to good, old-fashioned parenting?

Sheila Dixon: It does take a village to raise a child. My thoughts are that in today's society, that village is comprised of people you share the same value system with who are on the same path to success as you. Children today are faced with so many negative connotations and may not understand that positive reinforcement needs to supercede and it all starts at home, continues in the school and ends at home. At the end of the day, there is peace love and joy in world.

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Karen Houppert: Bye, and thanks for participating in the chat. I can see there are tons of parenting questions out there--which confirms my instincts that we parents have a lot to contend with these days.

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Sheila Dixon: I've enjoyed this time and please know that there is encouragement, help and professionals who are out to make this world a better place. Everyone, develop great relationships in all aspects of your life and success is what you make it.

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Lisa Carey: Thank you very much for taking the time to read the article and comment. If you have any additional questions feel free to e-mail me at lisacarey@coachlisacarey.com. If you would like a copy of the Message to Parents Poem that the Parent as Coach book is based on go to www.parentascoach.com.

Happy Holidays to everyone

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