Carolyn Hax Live: I Love Her But Don't Like Her, Reconnecting With Friends After Depression, Ending Mama's Drama and That Wheee! Feeling

In her daily column in The Washington Post Style section, Carolyn Hax offers readers advice based on the experiences of someone who's been there. Hax is an ex-repatriated New Englander with a liberal arts degree and a lot of opinions and that's about it, really, when you get right down to it. Oh, and the shoes. A lot of shoes.

Carolyn was online Friday, January 9 taking your questions and comments about her current advice column and any other questions you might have about the strange train we call life. Her answers may appear online or in an upcoming column.

A transcript follows.

E-mail Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com.

Got more to say? Check out Carolyn's discussion group, Hax-Philes. Comments submitted to the chat may be used in the discussion group.

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Maryland : I met my boyfriend's parents over the holiday. It sucked. I knew it was important to him that we get along, and I totally blew it. Blame a combination of tremendous pressure, jetlag and PMS. I'm sure they called immediately to tell him they hate me, and honestly, I would barely blame them. The question is, what do I do now? My boyfriend isn't a "mama's boy," but he's certainly not the type to pooh-pooh his parents' feedback, either.

Carolyn Hax: Send them a handwritten note saying how good it was to meet them. You can also mention (but don't overstate) that you weren't feeling quite yourself and that you hope it didn't compromise you too badly as a host/guest.

Then, you get over it. Bad moods happen, bad first impressions happen, bad planetary alignments happen--and if all were insurmountable we'd all be in trouble. Don't contort yourself to please them next time, certainly, since overcompensating might be the one thing worse than being crabby/out of it, but do trust that any future meetings will lessen the impact of this first one.

Finally--since bad moods, etc., do happen, it wouldn't hurt to ask yourself if you have a habit of over-indulging your day-to-day moods and discomforts. Even when nothing's on the line but a typical day at the office, "suck it up" is still a good mantra to have.

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Arlington, Va.: I just found out that my sister and her husband are going through a trial separation -- my sister packed her bags and moved out yesterday. I learned of this from my mom, who was notified of it by my sister. The whole thing struck both my mom and me as a real shock.

Here's my question: As the older brother, what should I do or say to be supportive? I consider my relationship with my sister to be close, even though we sometimes go 2-3 weeks between conversations on the phone. But she and my younger brother are twins and especially close, and I've always sort of been an outsider as the non-twin.

I want to help, but I don't want to be intrusive. Is there a way for me to discuss things with my sister? Or is it simply best for me to let her mention it when she's ready? I'd like to give her a call sometime within the next week or so, just to continue our routine of staying in touch (we live hundreds of miles apart), but I feel uncertain how to handle the conversation -- i.e., whether I should pretend that I don't know about the separation.

Thanks for any insight you might have.

Carolyn Hax: Don't pretend you don't know, but don't press, either. Just call her to log in the fact that you know and you care about her.

Also let her know that you understand if she doesn't want to talk about it, but that you're there for her if she does.

It could almost be a script for anyone in your position, but I've found, anecdotally, there isn't really much variety in what people want when they're in your sister's position. They want support, but they want to be in control of what type of support they receive, when, and from whom.

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Washington, D.C.: My mother seems to delight in upsetting me. She thinks that I am dramatic and tend to over-react, which I can sometimes agree to, and she will purposefully bring up topics that she knows will upset me/cause a fight, but then claims she had no idea that would happen and that I am over-reacting. I would argue that she did know it would upset me, but because she thinks I'm just overreacting it is okay and she should not apologize/feel bad about hurting my feelings. Which makes me feel like my choices are either to apologize for the fighting, or come off as sulky for avoiding her or mean for fighting in the first place. I can't stop talking to her and she doesn't seem to understand how much this upsets me.

Carolyn Hax: Then stop getting upset. You really do have control of this. You don't have absolute proof of all elements of the dynamic, but you have a reasonable belief that:

1. Talking to your mother is unavoidable;

2. When you talk, she will raise topics that normally upset you ...

3. ... and that she knows they upset you but raises them anyway, possibly on purpose;

4. She disapproves, vocally, of your typical reaction to upsetting topics;

5. She will deny responsibility for any friction/fight that ensues;

6. Talking to her about this is not enough to change the pattern.

So when I lay this all out for you, what do you see?

I see that you can't control what your mom says to you. I see that you can control whether you talk to her, but have decided that's not something you're willing to change.

I see that these leave you one choice if you really want to fix this problem: to control the way you react. Right now, you're -choosing- to fight her or to sulk. Other choices include to change the subject--smoothly, theatrically (How about those Caps?), absurdly, whatever works--to state without drama that you're not interested in talking about this subject (ideally followed up by changing the subject), to walk away from the conversation with out rancor and without follow-up sulking ("Okay, Mom, I guess we're done here--I'll give you a call tomorrow.") All of these draw clear boundaries in a way that doesn't open you to a charge of overreacting. And if she levels that charge anyway, just shrug and say, "Maybe so," and then move the conversation on to something else.

in other words, your mom alone isn't creating this drama. You really, really do have to change what you bring to it.

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Holidays: Might this be a good time to ask for some recent holiday horror stories, while they are fresh in the readers' memories? They might have some additional perspective after the last few weeks.

Carolyn Hax: I can't be alone in wanting The Holidays to keep receding in my rear-view mirror, the more swiftly the better. (Sorry, Holidays--love ya, but ...)

However, if anyone has any angst to unload while it's fresh, please send it along and I'll create a kickoff file for next year.

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Maryland Mom: Please help me sort out my feelings and advise on how to proceed. My college-age daughter recently told me to say she has herpes, contracted from a recent, casual dating relationship of short duration. She was terribly upset. I responded OK, I think, by trying to be calm, practical, serious and affectionate. Inside I'm a mess. Too many things are crashing around in my brain: anger, sorrow, embarrassment, outrage, etc. Some of these things clearly don't belong there. The potential for doing or saying the wrong thing is huge. She needs so much from me right now and I don't want to mishandle this. Any thoughts?

Carolyn Hax: Please inform yourself about herpes. It's a bummer that will be with her for the entirety of her dating life, and she does need to be vigilant about things people would rather not be vigilant about, including disclosure. However, ultimately, it's a nuisance not worthy of your "anger, sorrow, embarrassment, outrage." You can get a quick rundown here: http://www.ashastd.org/herpes/herpes_learn.cfm

It might take me some searching to find the more comprehensive information; I forgot that the American Social Health Association had a new Web site. If I don't get to it during the session, please email me at tellme@washpost.com and I'll send you more links.

As for the potential for doing the wrong thing, I wouldn't call it "huge." Just refrain (as everyone should, pleeeease) from using the word "clean" in any sexual-infection context--such a casually judgmental bit of terminology--and remind yourself that this isn't precluding your daughter from anything. It may even, oddly enough, protect her from relationships with people who aren't really invested in her. Not that anyone would necessarily choose this type of assist, of course. And provided she's honest with potential partners, which she really does need to be.

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Looking for the line: My husband has a terrible temper and often says hurtful things in the heat of passion. I've accepted that this may never change. I can live with it, but I worry that it will undermine our relationship over time. We've talked about him going to counseling a few times and he's always agreed, but somehow it never happens. How hard can I push him to go before I've crossed the line into not accepting that he is who he is?

Carolyn Hax: Make an appointment for the two of you to go, and take him--presumably he won't resist, since he has "always agreed"--and see what happens. The how-much-you-can-take question is one that I doubt either of us can answer on the spot, but just the fact that you're anticipating a time when it will become a deal-breaker means it probably already is. "I can live with it" is not the same as, "I can live a fulfilling life this way," and being chronically unfulfilled is right now in a race with being berated as the thing that makes you say, "Enough."

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washingtonpost.com: American Social Health Association (ashastd.org)

Carolyn Hax: Thanks. Here's the longer version I was looking for (probably for too long, sorry to keep you all waiting):

http://www.ashastd.org/herpes/herpes_learn_questions.cfm

There's also a section on the emotional impact:

http://www.ashastd.org/herpes/herpes_emotional.cfm

And for variety, here's the CDC page:

http://www.cdc.gov/std/Herpes/default.htm

Both of these sites are easy to navigate, so one link will take you to a lot of information I haven't mentioned.

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Re: Herpes: I would also say that she should feel good that her daughter was able to come to her and trust her with this information. I would have never, ever gone to my parent about anything sex-related, especially something as "bad" (as my parents would have viewed it) as an STD.

I wish that I had had a parent that I could have talked to about things like this when I was growing up.

Carolyn Hax: Well said, thanks.

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Lay-offs: I'm fairly certain that I'm getting laid off today. I'm strangely excited about it because I think I've realized I hate this job. Thing is I'm the primary breadwinner in our family and also expecting our first child. I just want to get through the day with my head held high, any words of advice?

Carolyn Hax: Start imagining the job that won't be a pleasure to lose? It's impressive that you're seeing this as a gift, so just nudge that attitude along toward seeing it as an opportunity.

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Arlington, Va.: I have lost contact with almost all of my friends because I have been struggling with depression for the last few years. I really isolated myself and felt that I was getting nowhere in life (still renting rather than owning a house, no love life, and no marriage and children) while all around me people are moving forward in their careers, relationships, etc.

How should I go about re-establishing contact with these friends, several of whom found me through my Facebook account? How should I explain my long absence? I am also lost on how to explain that my circumstances haven't changed much in the past five or six years? I wish I could tell them just what a struggle it has been to keep my job while treating the depression and therefore have had nothing left for other things.

Carolyn Hax: Why can't you? They like you enough to seek you out--and while a Facebook hello isn't exactly a promise to walk by your side for life, it does indicate that they haven't cut you from their lives in a huff. So far so good.

Add to that the prevalence and growing understanding of depression, and I find it hard to believe there wouldn't be at least a few friends among your old crowd who have first- or second-hand experience with the illness. All you need is one, in fact, who totally gets what it means to be so spent that you have nothing left after the daily effort of just getting yourself through the day. That would make everything worth it. And that would be someone who might not drain you as much socially.

And in the event you have a 100 percent unenlightened crowd, then you'll remember there was another reason you didn't reach out to these people for so long.

As for your unchanged circumstances, another rhetorical question: Why would anybody care? There's no shame in anything you say--renting, being single, not having children. If anything, the ones who have some societal explaining to do are the ones who grab at milestones because they feel they have to, and not because they're the right choice for them personally.

But even then, I hesitate to condemn them, too, since the more charitable frame of mind is to see people of all kinds as taking their best shot--married, single, divorced, unmarried but paired. A little relief from social comparisons would do us all good, methinks.

For you, the person to view in this more charitable frame of mind is yourself. You're fighting a huge battle. If it were cancer, you wouldn't think twice about patting yourself on the back for your effort. The disease itself is no doubt affecting your self-image, but please try to muscle past that and see you have nothing to hide or excuse.

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re: Layoffs: Think now of the coworkers that have helped you or that you like and how to say a sincere thank you. Lots easier to do that now than in a few days with an awkward phone call. Also think of an easy form way to say goodbye to those you maybe don't like so much. I find it's easier to have a canned (sorry for the pun!) response where genuine would be, um, inappropriate.

Carolyn Hax: Nice, thanks.

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re: lay-offs: Good general advice, but esp given she's the breadwinner (and presumably has the health insurance) and expecting...

Use a touch of that impressively positive attitude to keep your head clear and make sure you understand all the benefits, termination packages, etc. so that you retain health care. Don't let the termination meeting end until you understand what you need to do and by when.

Carolyn Hax: Also excellent.

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New York: I've been married for 12 years to a man who is a great father and works hard during the week. My problem is that on weekend nights (the only nights where he eats with the family), he ostentatiously asks when I am planning to serve dinner and then sits around watching tv until exactly 1 hour beforehand and goes for a one-hour bike ride. He therefore never helps with the meal. (Sometimes he goes for a half hour run, but then he sits around until half an hour before dinner and then goes out.) I have tried saying that I would like a little help with dinner but that results in him offering to help once he gets in rather than him starting any earlier. For a while I tried lying and suggesting that we would eat fifteen minutes earlier than planned, but that backfired, in that he began delaying his ride until 45 minutes before the stated time and arrived home 15 minutes after.

I don't begrudge the exercise or the tv watching, I just resent that they can't start and stop 15 minutes earlier.

Any suggestions?

Carolyn Hax: The way you describe it, both of you have an absolute, to-the-minute way that you prefer to do things, that you have never explicitly discussed with each other. Is that correct? If so, that's odd, and that's the thing to remedy.

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Boston, Mass.: Hi Carolyn,

I think I have a crush on one of my friends. How do you reconcile whether or not to reveal your feelings? I know you've addressed this before. The problem is that I have no idea if I would want to "go the distance" with him (i.e. a real commitment) -- but I know that I would like to see what becomes of us as something more than friends. I've had these feelings for a couple of years and it doesn't seem to go away.

Carolyn Hax: Why don't you know whether you'd want it to last? That suggests you're either young enough to need an open mind on anything more than a year away, or there's a hurdle you anticipate that has no effect on your feelings in the moment, or you just don't know him/yourself very well. Willing to fill in the blanks?

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re: herpes: I told my Dad (my only parent) when I found out I had HPV because I was very upset about it. Now he brings it up every time I have a health issue (including a cold) and every time my husband and I talk about having children ("are you sure you'll be able to? you know, with your disease?"). I've learned to deal with it, but I'm begging you to PLEASE not be this parent.

Carolyn Hax: Ugh. Here's the PSA.

Some unsolicited advice for you, too: Next time he mentions it, tell him it went away, so he no longer needs to worry about it or, ahem, mention it.

Also available on the CDC Web site, the fact that HPV infections quite often run their course. Or, to quote: "There is no treatment for the virus itself, but a healthy immune system can usually fight off HPV naturally."

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Georgia: Dear Carolyn, I am 21 and in my first committed relationship. My girlfriend and I have been together for about eight months and have agreed to be exclusive and to do everything we can to keep this relationship healthy and working. However, I am finding that I don't really like her that much. I love her, but I don't really enjoy being around her. Because I've never been serious with anyone before, I'm confused about my responsibilities here. Can I break up with her just because I don't like her? And if I can just break it off on the basis of the fact that she annoys me a lot, then what does it mean to be "committed" to someone anyway?

Carolyn Hax: You can break up with her because you don't like the way she looks in purple. Any reason you don't like someone is a good enough reason to break up, because people don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with them.

It hurts to be dumped, people never forget when it happens, they feel unwanted and angry and misunderstood and a bunch of other things nobody wants to feel, but every single one of these nasty side effects is better than being with someone who doesn't even like you. The chance to be with someone who truly, deeply appreciates them is a chance none of us has any right to deny other people.

Every day you stay with your girlfriend is another day that you limit, if not outright deny, her chance at that kind of rewarding love.

As for what commitment means, at the dating stage, it means you're seeing her and no one else. It doesn't apply in perpetuity until you marry/declare yourselves life partners--and even then, it's generally understood that people do sometimes grow apart or become victims of unforeseeable circumstance.

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for Arlington: about 10 years ago, I could have written your post -- I had dropped away from all of my college friends after a bout of severe depression, went from a promising career to working retail, etc. Felt very embarrassed about the situation, etc.

Had quite the "aha" moment when one of my dear friends from this group passed away and I saw others at the funeral. I sort of explained myself to all of them, not in any pronouncement kind of way, and was faced with a big "so what" -- at the time it made me feel worse because I had missed out on so much because of feeling "less than" but now I think about that "so what" often when the feelings try to creep in

I'm in touch with many of these people today and the issue of what I do for a living (or don't do) just doesn't come up

Good luck to you

Carolyn Hax: Thanks.

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Boston, Mass. -- friend crush again: I've known him since we were kids, but only saw him a couple times a year. Now that we live in the same city, we've met up about once every month or two for the last 3 years. We're both in our late 20s.

Lately, though, I have been thinking about leaving the area, or even the country. I don't have any concrete plans to do so just yet. Sometimes I think I don't want to get close because I don't know where my life will take me... but is this a reason?

Carolyn Hax: Now it all makes sense, thanks.

If the unforced attraction, commonality and ease in each other's presence are all there, then it would strike me as almost self-defeating not to explore this just because it might take you somewhere complicated.

If there are things about him that are holding you back, then those, I'd heed.

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HPV Drama Llama: I really don't mean to laugh at your pain, but your dad seems like he's straight out of a sitcom.

"Dad, I'm trying to decide between the mountains or the beach for vacation."

"Definitely the mountains. I don't know if you should go into the water... you know, with your disease."

Carolyn Hax: But we're laughing with her, not at her.

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Annapolis, Md.: For the person whose husband won't help with dinner: When I ask for "a little help with dinner," I get none. I've found that I get more help with specifics: "I need you to make the salad" or "I need you to peel these potatoes." That might help a little. Plus, if he just likes a one-hour bike ride before dinner, he can make the salad 1:15 before dinner. That way, salad gets made, bikes get ridden and everyone stays on their German-public-transport-like schedule.

Carolyn Hax: Or he can clean up after dinner. All of which works unless what she really wants is his company during his precious two days as a presence in the domestic scene.

Which only makes me more interested in this most un-dynamic dynamic. Hoping for the follow up ...

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What to say then?: So what do you say when everyone else is talking about condos/spouses/children/weddings/promotions/corner offices/inlaws/mortgages/etc. and the conversation turns to you? Sit there and gather dust? Mention that the dingo ate your baby?

Carolyn Hax: Yes, because that would be really funny, but it's also okay to talk about ... something else. Common ground may be harder to find when people are at a different life stage, but unless it's a really boring conversation, there's always a larger context to any subject.

People talking mortgages, for example, are likely touching on the larger issue of real estate and the local economy, which renters often know better than owners. People talking in-laws are likely talking about navigating complex relationships, which anyone with classmates or roommates or colleagues can speak to, if from a slightly different angle. And so on.

And if there's no toehold in the conversation, someone on the demographic outside can always join in by asking questions.

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I love her, but I don't really enjoy being around her. : OK, just what on earth does this mean? What do people think "love" consists of? Does this guy mean he likes sex with her? He likes having a girlfriend? What does he love about her at all? Please, I'm seriously puzzled by this.

Carolyn Hax: Idunno, it doesn't strike me as that strange. In fact I think it happens a lot more than people admit, or are able to name. I see it as when you care about someone, you have a lot invested in the person, you have a lot of shared memories together, but when the door closes behind him or her, you want run around the house with your arms outstretched, saying, "WHEEEEEEE!!!"

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Re daughter with herpes: When dealing with my kids I often found that when they came to me with a problem they had already started solving it. It didn't do any good to go flying off on a tangent but just ask what they plan to do next. Sometimes they just need acknowledgment that they are dealing with their own problems.

Carolyn Hax: I love this, thank you.

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Pitching, IN: People who "pitch in" or "help" around their own homes aren't partners. Partners are already doing the work and have always done it, because they're responsible for it. Framing the request as "helping" or "pitching in" reemphasizes that the responsibility lies with the person who does it, while the other is making a cameo appearance.

Carolyn Hax: I understand and in fact subscribe to this viewpoint, but I don't think we can apply it here (we are talking about the bike-riding husband, right?) without knowing the full scope of their arrangements at home. There can be a partner-like allotment of duties where one "helps out" on another's duty every once in a while.

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Arlington, Va.: I would now like to again date an ex that I am still friends with, and I've never done anything like this before. We have gone out a few times recently, just the two of us, and I'm sure I want more. I would like to do this in a non-stressful way for both of us. I'm not really one to go to big happy hours or parties that I can invite him to join. So I'm not sure what my next step is... do I just keep setting up drink nights for the two of us to continue catching up? What else can I do?

Carolyn Hax: Talk about it? Just know what you're doing before you do it--specifically, establish as well as possible whether the thing that broke you up is still going to be an issue.

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Re: Dinner help: Some people who bike and/or run like to have their meal immediately after the bike or run to coincide with that 0-30 minute window after exercise when the nutrients are absorbed by the body better than any other time. Hence, his asking when dinner will be ready so he can get his timing down better... they need to discuss this because they are obviously on a different page and he probably does not get her frustration if he even notices it...

Carolyn Hax: Maybe I need to get out more, but I find it fascinating the way this is getting filled in without the input of the people involved (which apparently is the way their problems have to be solved).

And yes, save yourselves the post. I do need to get out more.

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Sit there and gather dust? Mention that the dingo ate your baby?: Tell me about what's going on in your life, please, because you're my friend and I'm interested. It's not a competition. I didn't tell you about my house/inlaws/baby news because I want to make you jealous. That's not the only stuff I'm interested in, it's just what's going on in my life. I'm also interested in knowing what you are doing, especially if it's different from what I'm doing.

Carolyn Hax: Depressed people have a hard time believing--even conceiving--that anyone thinks this way about them. Thanks for spelling it out.

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Re: what to say: It seems like one part of the problem can be feeling like you're in a big rut of no change, a boring job, nothing that seems momentous or interesting to offer up when asked "so what's new with you?" It's an innocuous question, really, but can seem stressful when you don't have anything to counter a baby/mortgage/promotion/etc. with.

I was feeling that way recently -- after a few years of lots of interesting change, there's nothing new or interesting happening. I work looooong hours in a job that is interesting to me while I do it, but deadly to describe to others, and hang out with my husband when we have a few hours at home that overlap. That's it. That's really boring to retell, and I was getting kind of hung up on the fact that I kept having the same crappy answer to people's small talk inquiries. So I took a look at my life and thought "why DON'T I have a response to 'what's new with you?' -- why isn't there anything new with me?" I don't have a lot of time for time-consuming adventures, so I started putting more energy into one thing I really like to do when I have downtime -- cook. I've started cooking a lot, and am teaching myself a lot about classical technique as I go. I bake all our bread, make our pasta, brew our beer - everything, and it's a lot of fun. That gives me LOTS to talk about with people.

All I'm saying is that there are two things to think about when it comes to the "what to say?" question. First -- it's not mandatory to respond with info about a life event. They don't happen to everyone all the time. People are really looking for ways to connect with you, so anything that offers insight into who you are when you aren't with them is probably what they're looking for. Second -- if you feel like there's nothing to talk about, make something to talk about. The process will make you feel fulfilled even before you get to the conversation with these people.

Carolyn Hax: Ruthlessly sane. Thanks.

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Re: dinner help: It's not that I don't love and enjoy your style, but do you really think the woman who asked the dinner help question is going to write in if you keep snarking about her? Just sayin'...

Carolyn Hax: Yes, I hope, to tell us how right or wrong we are. I'll gladly post it either way.

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Pitching In continued: I was annoyed with my husband over the holidays because I didn't feel he was stepping in to share the work as much as he could. But then I remembered he was tolerating a long visit by my mother with no complaint (and no similar visit from his family to test my patience) and also works about 20 hours a week more than I do. I have friends who have legitimate issues with their husbands' lack of participation so I know things can get really unbalanced. But it is worthwhile to take the broader view sometimes -- not tit for tat, but just acknowledging other ways someone contributes.

Carolyn Hax: More sanity. Thanks.

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Re: "WHEEEEEEE!!!": Crap. You just explained exactly how I feel about my husband. I DO love him, and I miss him when he's gone (which is a lot right now, he's in grad school), but when he's around I feel suffocated, and I REALLY look forward to my time alone. I've been trying to reconcile these polar feelings, but just can't quite understand how I can love someone so much, and yet be perfectly content/happy/WHEEEEE!!! when they're gone!

Carolyn Hax: Sorry.

It might just be that your personalities align in such a way that it takes you some extra effort to make it work. And so when you're together for a while, you start to feel drained.

Missing him is a really good sign, and there's nothing wrong with being content in someone's absence; any introvert would have that experience to some extent. Solitude is just easier.

Even when that's the case, though, that doesn't mean you necessarily want to be alone all the time. You can still value your time with someone. It just might mean that you have to manage your time together a bit better, taking care to build in breaks, or to plan things together that are easier for you and to avoid the things that tend to wear you out.

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Love her, but don't like her... Help me too!: This is totally understandable. I am at that point with my husband of 13 years. I love him -- for the father he is to our kids and as a basically decent human -- but on most days, I don't like him nor do I feel any pull to him other than a sort of a vague "Whatever." feel. But we have shared history, kids a house and it's not terribly awful--but the thought of spending the next 30 years like this scares the cr@p out of me! So what now? Pull the plug and try for something new? Stick it out -- is this a mid-life crisis? Do al women get like this? All my friends got married way after college so their marriages are only a few years old and are still glowing so they have no advice or experience. Help!

Carolyn Hax: Well, wait a minute. Your friends could be glowing because they married people they genuinely like. It's not a guarantee, by any stretch--certainly there are ill-advised marriages at all ages--but postponing marriage often does push the decision past the ages when hormones rule, and into the ages when the ability to have a great conversation starts to matter a lot more.

And at the risk of making too much of your word choice, your asking whether "all women get like this" hints that you might have gotten into this as a stage of life decision (as in, "Okay, I see myself as a wife and mother now"). If that's true, then that definitely is a common start to the problem you describe, where you realize you and your mate have nothing in common as people. Happens to men and women, of course, since both get caught in the musical chairs trap--they hear the music stop at 20-whatever and grab the closest mate.

This common start can have many different endings, and not just dissatisfied resignation or divorce. If you're both inclined to try, and if there's enough there to work with, you and your husband could become the kind of friends you never were to begin with. You could very well be holding back from each other--out of habit, fear, misguided ideas of what you think the other person wants--just the kind of thing that would help you get along.

I'd be interested to know what you come up with if you give all this some thought.

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Boston, Mass.: Dear Carolyn,

My 23-year-old daughter, "Jessica," is in grad school. She works part-time, but my husband and I still help a lot with her rent and expenses (which we don't mind doing as long as she's in school).

Jessica's lease expires next month, and she has informed us of her plan to move in with her boyfriend, who lives in a bigger, more expensive apartment. There are three problems with this: 1) Her half of the rent would be twice as much as she's paying now, 2) the boyfriend is in his late thirties, which we consider too old for Jessica, and 3) my husband and I are not thrilled about the idea of cohabitation before marriage under any circumstances.

We don't want to manipulate Jessica with our money, but truly, I can't in good conscience bankroll a move I don't believe in. I know you have strong opinions about issues much like this one, so I'm asking you. If we have always supported Jessica financially, do we have the right to refuse to do so now, if she moves in with her new boyfriend? (For what it's worth, we are resigned to the fact that she will end up living with him one way or another.)

Carolyn Hax: Of course you have the right to refuse. It's your money.

I could argue that was manipulative and arbitrary, though, since it would essentially say that your support of her studies--presumably that's the reason you agreed to support her--was secretly contingent upon her living her life on your terms. If original terms were for grad school, then she has apparently honored those terms.

You could walk the line morally and financially, and avoid the appearance of being punitive, by letting her know that your support during her education will continue, but won't increase to absorb the rent increase. In other words, if she wants this, she bankrolls the extra expenses herself. That's more than fair. Why should you have to pay for her luxuries, which this move would surely be?

If you haven't had a set amount you've given her, but instead have just given her gifts as needs arose, then go back and establish a history, average it out and start giving her that as a flat monthly amount (with the understanding that if she runs out, she has to wait for next month). That would have the benefit of giving her a chance to budget, a graduate education unto itself.

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Stonewalled: Hi, Carolyn. I'm the mutual friend of two people dating each other. They get along very well with the exception of his apparent stonewalling and refusing to talk to her about some things he does that hurts her feelings.

Apparently he will "not talk about things that he's decided are stupid... he's decided that whenever I behave like a typical girl, I'm being stupid and he walks away from me." I've suggested bringing it up again at a time when things aren't heated, but she says she knows of no way to get him to communicate. Apparently she's even flatly said "this is really important to me" and got nothing.

I really don't know what to say... they're both late 20s, each have dated others, and they were making plans to move in together. They've been a couple just under a year. I'm out of my depth. She's starting to wonder if their dating is a bad idea.

Carolyn Hax: Starting to wonder? If she follows that popcorn trail to the conclusion that, yes, dating him is a bad idea, then don't worry about being out of your depth. She'll be fine.

But if she's doubting herself about her doubts, then please offer her a reminder that she should take her worries about him very seriously. That's advice at a manageable depth for anybody, and doesn't get you too involved in choosing one friend over the other.

The truth his, he might be right that she's being ridiculous about something (unfortunately, I can't pin blame on anyone for that hideous "typical girl" label b/c I don't know if those are his words or hers). But if she's being so ridiculous that he won't even speak to her, then he should break up with her. And if he doesn't have the strenght or presence of mind to break up with someone for whom he has so little respect, then that alone is grounds for her to break up with him.

Either way, bad communication this early, so bad that it has outlasted earnest attempts to fix it, is one of the bigger and flashier of big flashing signs.

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Carolyn Hax: A few responses to the grad-school-money-with-strings answer before I go:

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Re: Boston: Woah, woah, woah. I completely disagree with your advice to the mom. She should not feel at all bad about not continuing to support her daughter financially if she doesn't agree with her lifestyle choice (moving in before marriage.) She can still offer plenty of emotional and moral support and maintain communication with her daughter without forking over money. My parents did something similar when I moved in with my boyfriend (help with the rent ceased), and I had absolutely no problem with it. If the daughter is a mature adult (which she should be if she is moving in with a partner) then she should understand. If not, she's a spoiled brat in my book.

Carolyn Hax: Thanks. And:

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My mom offered to pay for grad school, but only if I'd get the degree you wanted. : THAT's manipulative. I'm glad this mom wrote you for advice, since it means she really wants to do the right thing. And I liked your answer. It's a good compromise.

Carolyn Hax: Thank you! And:

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Financial support of old-ish children: I'm in college with parents who give me money occasionally and oh my goodness do I wish they'd establish terms of SOME sort for their support, as long as I knew what they were. I do need their support unfortunately, but I wish it was more formal and based on clearly defined rules. When I start to bring something like this up, they get offended that I would even think that they'd ever manipulate me with money; I'm supposedly free to do whatever I want, although I don't feel like it. So the day I make an important-to-me decision they don't agree with and they actually respond with anything financially related will be I think a great opportunity.

Carolyn Hax: Good FYI for parents, tx.

And:

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Re: "Jessica" : Okay, maybe I'm hopelessly old-fashioned, but if my daughter was moving in with her boyfriend, that would signify to me that they were adults...who could support themselves. I'd close the Bank of Mom and Dad immediately. Choices have consequences. Or does nobody teach that anymore?

Carolyn Hax: When you put it that way, I agree with you--that's actually a solid, non-judgmental way to phrase it: "Your moving in with this man tells me you're both adults ... who can support yourselves."

But I don't think the "Or does nobody teach that anymore?" was necessary. Soured a great point.

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Washington, D.C.: To the mom who doesn't want daughter to move in with older boyfriend. Be careful. If their relationship is long-term and if she has any idea of your judgment (which surely she does), you risk burdening your relationship with your daugher with her defensiveness against your judgment.

How many parents and children have we read about in CH's columns who have suffered damage because the parents couldn't keep their well-intentioned but mis-guided judgments to themselves?

Carolyn Hax: True, which is why the you're-an-adult-now reasoning works, where the I-won't-underwrite-shacking-up-with-this-dubious-person clanks. Thanks for filling it out.

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Carolyn Hax: Awright, I think I got it all. Thanks for stopping by, and see you here next week, I hope.

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