Chatological Humor: Things That Come Out of Dogs

aka Tuesdays With Moron

--- NEW SPECIAL TIME: Tuesday, Jan. 13 at 11 a.m. ET ---

Gene Weingarten's humor column, Below the Beltway, appears every Sunday in The Washington Post magazine. It is syndicated nationally by the Washington Post Writers Group.

At one time or another, Below the Beltway has managed to offend persons of both sexes as well as individuals belonging to every religious, ethnic, regional, political and socioeconomic group. If you know of a group we have missed, please write in and the situation will be promptly rectified. "Rectified" is a funny word.

On Tuesdays at noon, Gene is online to take your questions and abuse. He will chat about anything. Although this chat is updated regularly throughout the week, it is not and never will be a "blog," even though many persons keep making that mistake. One reason for the confusion is the Underpants Paradox: Blogs, like underpants, contain "threads," whereas this chat contains no "threads" but, like underpants, does sometimes get funky and inexcusable.

This Week's Poll: 37 and Under | 38 and Over

Important, secret note to readers: The management of The Washington Post apparently does not know this chat exists, or it would have been shut down long ago. Please do not tell them. Thank you.

Weingarten is also the author of "The Hypochondriac's Guide to Life. And Death," co-author of "I'm with Stupid," with feminist scholar Gina Barreca and "Old Dogs: Are the Best Dogs," with photographer Michael S. Williamson.

New to Chatological Humor? Read the FAQ.

P.S. If composing your questions in Microsoft Word please turn off the Smart Quotes functionality or use WordPad. I haven't the time to edit them out. -- Liz

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Gene Weingarten: Good morning.

(Morning! I hope y'all got the word.)

Yes, there was no Post Magazine Sunday. No, this does not portend dire things; one Sunday every year the magazine goes dark. Sunday was the day. Readers in other cities who get my column through syndication got this one from 2002, in which I inveighed against overly sensitive editing. Interestingly, neither Tom the Butcher nor I has any recollection at all what the original furious fight was about.

As a young reporter lad, I once did a story about an elderly government bureaucrat in Albany named Walter Holmes. Walter spent his days as a flack, but at night, alone, wrote rather lovely, simple, elegiac poems. This was one of them, as I recall:

Inspiration doesn't soar

Or cry the falcon's cry,

But down among the lowly things

It meekly shuffles by.

I remembered that poem yesterday after coming back from a walk with Murphy. Something lowly happened: Murphy had pooped, but could not quite free herself of the final portion of her endeavor, as it was attached by a long strand of grass. This can make a dog frantic, and it did, and for complicated logistical reasons, I had no choice but to attend to the matter with my bare hand. We walked back to the house quickly.

It was much later, fortified by beers, that inspiration hit, and I found myself with a profound insight into the nature of being. I codified it into a law. Here it is:

Weingarten's Maxim on The Meaning of Life

"One cannot be a fully realized human being if one has never in one's life attended to the butthole of anyone other than oneself."

Thank you.

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On a related theme, I recently mentioned to a friend that even though I am getting old and cranky, I have not suffered the bathroom-regularity problems some people of my age go through. My friend wondered if I took Metamucil. I responded: "No. I am a serial pooper, I am not a cereal pooper."

Thank you.

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Some people wake up with great insights, and I am no different. Well, I am a little different. I woke up this morning, all excited, because it had occurred to me in a dream that "Rod R. Blagojevich" is a perfect double dactyl. Also that we only needed to look at him, like, YEARS ago, to know he was up to no good.

Higgledy Piggledy

Rod R. Blagojevich,

Looks like a Muscovite

Mafia thug.

Wonder what odious

Hyper-felonious

Thoughts he's been sweeping up

Under that rug?

The Clip of the Day is this short one, courtesy Nicole Mariani.

This wonderful link was sent by Virginia Pasley. It appears to be a real Edward Gorey book, long forgotten, and simply excellent.

And this is Liz's cat. What a douchebag.

Actually, this reminds me, for its disingenuousness, of this.

Please take today's poll ( 37 and Under | 38 and Over). Unlike last week's, you cannot judge the right answers by the majority consensus. I will give you the answers midway through the chat, and then we can fight about it.

Many good comics this week. The CPOW is Wednesday's Speed Bump. First Runner-Up is Monday's Doonesbury. Honorables: Wednesday's Fuzzy. Wednesday's Lio, Sunday's Argyle Sweater, Sunday's Agnes, Saturday's Baby Blues, Monday's Doonesbury, Monday's Speed Bump.

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Phoenix, Ariz.: What was the funniest (unintentionally or intentionally, speaking sarcastically or literally) part of Bush's "ultimate exit interview."

Gene Weingarten: I would say the euphemisms.

He used "disappointments" the way Lamaze teachers used "discomfort."

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Washington, D.C.: There seems to be a small but dedicated group of people posting to WP.com chats saying that at some point, history will judge George Bush's presidency to be a success.

So here's my question, and I'm serious: Has any presidency in history experienced such sustained, consistent, popular dissatisfaction while in power, then in 25/50/75 years been judged to have been ultimately successful and right-headed?

Gene Weingarten: Yes. Two come to mind:

Truman left office with terrible approval ratings, and they had been falling through most of his second term, due to the perceived failur of the Korean War.

And,

Cleveland was nearly chased out of office in the midst of a terrible recession for which he was blamed.

History has been very kind to both men. I do not see this happening with Bush.

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Dangling dog business: Gene,

This happens to us, too! She will run around, pitifully crouching, with her tail outstretched and ears pinned back trying to release the offending bit. She will finally give up and run back to me (or Mommy) and lean against a leg looking up with those sad, helpless eyes - you know the ones. Man, I love dogs.

Gene Weingarten: And we are so wonderfully able to help them, with our opposable thumbs.

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CPOW's: Monday's Doonesbury is both First Runner Up and an Honorable Mention -- HUH?

Gene Weingarten: It was THAT good.

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Really?: Who wrote: On a related theme, I recently mentioned to a friend that even though I am getting old and cranky, I have not suffered the bathroom-regularity problems some people of my age go through. My friend wondered if I took Metamucil. I responded: "No. I am a serial pooper, I am not a cereal pooper."

And not that I don't believe you, but that joke seems to work better in print than spoken. Did you use 'Air Quotes', or spend the next minute explaining the joke?

Gene Weingarten: this was in an IM.

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Fuzzy Sox: So, Gene, did you write Darby Conley's strip this week?

Gene Weingarten: I loved 'em.

Liz, can we also link to today's Fuzzy?

washingtonpost.com: Get Fuzzy, (Jan. 13)

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Neighbor Etiquette: I don't think this is one for Miss Manners. What to do if you live in an apartment building and can hear your neighbor having sex? My neighbor's girlfriend screams like a porn star. I wear earplugs to bed but sometimes I forget. It's acceptable to knock on someone's door and ask them to turn down the music because it's bedtime, but is it acceptable for me to knock on the door and ask her to bite on a towel?

Gene Weingarten: If you can hear the sounds of their sexual congress, they can hear your wild and enthusiastic applause after it ends. That should do the trick.

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Western Virginia: I'm a married woman, and I'd really like to discuss the issue that arose last week. You know, um, bushwhacking... the woman's version of man-scaping. Where else am I going to get this kind of information, without vulgarity? Well, maybe with a wink and snicker, but I know I'll get an honest answer here. I'd like to maintain my status as a grown woman (as in, not bald), but I do not want to offend.

washingtonpost.com: Surely there is someone better to ask than a 50-some-year-old man who is clearly a shut-in and can't even keep his car groomed, much less his moustache.

Gene Weingarten: Chatwoman has put her foot down on this issue. I shall summarize, briefly, where we stand. Readers have been lobbying for a discussion -- or, even better, a poll -- on the subject of tonsorial preferences for the nether regions of the female: What women of different ages and backgrounds choose to do, why they choose to do it, and what men of different ages might request, if they had a say in the matter.

This will apprently not happen, and inasmuch as I respect Chatwoman, I will not post impromptu opinions on this subject. Inasmuch as she has passed this posting on to me, however, I believe I shall be allowed at least this: I believe but cannot prove that contrary to the assumptions of the merchants of modern porn, a majority of men of all ages do not want to see cute topiary, for much the same reason we don't like severe and elaborate hairstyles. I also think the majority of men of all ages probably prefer more to less and something to nothing. And I stronly suspect that this preference is nearly universal among men over, say, 40.

If I am right, then an interesting dissonance may exist: As I believe I wrote here once before, I did consult a doctor of my acquaintance, who reports that there is a dramatic age-related difference in hair-care preferences among women. The younger, the balder, and the cutoff (as it were) seemed to be around 30.

The possibility thus arises that women are tailoring themselves based upon a misapprehension of what men prefer. It is also possible, as with the dreaded VPL, that women are tailoring themselves without deliberate disregard for what men prefer.

I believe this is as close to this subject as we are going to get.

These are guesses only.

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Double Dactyl: What do you mean it occurred to you in a dream? You posted a Blagojevich double dactyl from a chatter over a month ago, and complimented the perfect meter. That one used "Rodney Blagojevich" rather than "Rod R. Blagojevich" but if anything, "Rodney" works better.

Gene Weingarten: I didn't recall that! But:

His name is, alas, not Rodney.

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Please notify Her Royal Link Monkey: ...that the Get Fuzzy link goes to today's, not Wednesday's. Today's is kind of funny, though.

washingtonpost.com: Apologies -- they've changed the way the comics render. There's just a static link now. Here's Wednesday's.

Gene Weingarten: Ah.

"Render?"

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Night Visi, ON: Gene - Do you ever have dreams so completely screwed up that you are more disturbed not by the content itself, but by the fact that your subconscious was able to create it?

The other night, I dreamed I was with my family on my parents' back porch, and an old acquaintance's black Lab puppy was positioned "across the way" through some woods, pointing a sniper rifle at us. My dad was crying.

Last night I dreamed I was peeing and couldn't stop. I had to move to the bathtub because the toilet could not accommodate what was happening. I kept telling myself I needed to call an ambulance, but couldn't stop peeing long enough to get to a phone. Also there was a shirtless man about 20 years my senior doing what I suppose was meant to be a seductive dance, and my mother was also there imploring me to open a savings account at "that new place in town".

Both dreams woke me up, and both times I couldn't fall back asleep because I'm starting to think a bizarro psycho lives inside me.

Gene Weingarten: You know, I'd prefer those dreams to my standard issue dreams. Virtually all of my dreams are enormously boring. Liz, can you link to a column I did on this a few years ago. Search "Lars"

washingtonpost.com: Below the Beltway, (March 20, 2005)

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Washington DC: Another, more obscure, historical question. Which of the following is an actual line from Richard Milhous Nixon's First Inaugural Address? (For the answer, see here)

A) America shall not remain beautiful if its people become ugly.

B) A nation is only as great as its amber waves of grain.

C) The American dream does not come to those who fall asleep.

D) In the land of the free and the land of the brave, we must sometimes be brave enough to give up some of that freedom.

Gene Weingarten: I didn't know. But this looks to be not a bad speech.

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Murphy: You never changed your kids' diapers? Part of my parenting memories include being smeared/stained/covered with every possible bodily fluid from the little buggers...

Gene Weingarten: Of course I did.

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New York, N.Y.: What's worse, losing a playoff game when your team is the #1 seed, or losing to the Iggles? Has PtheP rubbed it in yet?

Gene Weingarten: Yes, she has.

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Thanks, Ill.: You have now given me a complex about my boobs. Thanks a lot. I am worried that they are not only going to be saggy when I am old (I am well endowed), but now also that they are ugly. WHY?! Is areola size part of the equation? I have always suspected but only trust this chat to tell me.

Gene Weingarten: This is in reference to a question from last week's updates, when a woman asked me to indicate the ways in which breasts might be considered unattractive. I declined. I still decline. The other way lies madness.

However:

I think it is safe to say that most guys like most breasts.

Some guys like any breasts.

So you're fine.

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Problem with your quiz: You do not have the correct answer as a possibility for question number 1. Here is the text of the 1st Amendment: "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances."

From this text, it is clear that only something to which Congress has made no law abridging that activity may be considered to be free speech. Examining your options:

A. Burning the American: There are no laws abridging this activity which have passed the Supreme Court.

B. Making political contributions: There are numerous laws abridging this activity which have passed muster by the Supreme Court.

C. Shouting "fire" as a prank in a crowded theatre: The Supreme Court specifically stated that this is not free speech.

D. Distributing explicit adult pornography to adults: There are no laws abridging this activity which have passed the Supreme Court.

The correct answer is A and D only. That is not an option provided by you.

Gene Weingarten: I do not buy this argument.

In Buckley v. Valeo (1974) the court specifically ruled that spending money to influence elections is a form of constitutionally protected free speech.

The court has several times (I am remembering Stanley v. Georgia in 1969) said that distribution of porn -- as opposed to possession of porn -- is not constitutionally protected.

There are limits created on all these protection, including free speech -- slander laws, for example, or the crowded theater paradignm, or laws prohibiting animal abuse in Santeria rituals.

The correct answer here is A and B. I hope.

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Washington, D.C.: I bet I'm not the first person to point out that the NYT Op-Ed "Cocaine and White Teens" on Saturday was written by Charles M. Blow.

washingtonpost.com: Cocaine and White Teens, (NYT, Jan. 9)

Gene Weingarten: Indeed.

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Tactile Illusi, ON?: Gene, I keep our hot water heater cranked up pretty high (even though my over-protective brother, who dons his children in helmets, padding, and restraint harnesses if there is a chance weather conditions might permit shadow casting, thinks I'm committing a major no-no). Every time I hand wash dishes I challenge myself by seeing how long I can do the rinsing with only the hot water tap on. Sometimes I'm able to bear it, other times I have to bail out and turn on the cold, too. Almost every time I bail and turn the cold on, the water feels like it gets even HOTTER for a couple seconds. The first few times I noticed this I figured it was just nerves/brain getting confused by the sudden addition of cold water and change of sensation, but the more I experience it and try to really pay attention, the change does not feel like cold -- it feels like really, really hot. Have you ever experienced this?

Gene Weingarten: A guess: It's not getting hotter, the stream is getting stronger, so it feels hotter. Once the cold stuff reaches the faucet and mixing in, it will start feeling colder.

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Speaking of Baby Blues: Usually the strip helps us to find the funny in stuff that is mundane and/or depressing. So what was up with Monday's offering?

washingtonpost.com: Baby Blues, (Jan. 12)

Gene Weingarten: I agree. It was almost existential. Very lonely.

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Rexburg, Idaho: I don't understand what is important about knowing who ran aganist FDR for president. This question seems more of you bragging about your knowledge of presidents.

Gene Weingarten: Well, no, it was more my trying to figure out a way to pass on my favorite piece of obscure but interesting American political trivia. Your answers make it clear that in huge numbers you guys didn't know it. So please consider that question instructional rather than pedantic:

Dewey is famous for having been defeated by Truman, so everyone forgets that he had also lost to FDR four years before.

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Washington, D.C.: I have advanced degrees from some of the most prominent universities in America. Why did I take more pride in getting all of the questions in your poll right? BTW, I'm 40 years-old and a former "It's Academic" team captain.

washingtonpost.com: NERD!

Gene Weingarten: Moreover, I'll bet you didn't get them all right. You have to promise to fess up if you didn't, so we can all laugh at you.

Here are the answers:

1: A and B only.

2: Pelosi

3: New York (Texas now has more electoral votes than N.Y.)

4: Women got the vote nationally in 1920, but that's not the right answer. The right answer is the last one; in some staest women got to vote since the late 1800s.

5: Only slaves in states under current rebellion.

6: The flu, by a lot.

7: Columbus brought back slaves, more than 200 of them.

8: FDR ran against 'em all.

9: In some states, incarcerated felons can vote. That's the best answer, but I'll also accept the previous one, which is also right, if less complete.

10. After presentation of the prosecution's case and before the defense presents its case, a judge can issue a "directed verdict," which means that he has found the case was unproven, and no defense is necessary. But he can only do this to acquit. He can't peremptorally declare the defendant guilty.

11. Airplanes. Why'd you all go for soybeans?

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St. Louis, Mo.: My favorite Bush line from the press conference:

"I'm telling you there's an enemy that would like to attack America, Americans, again. There just is. That's the reality of the world. And I wish him all the very best."

Gene Weingarten: Is that correct?

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Baltimore, Md.: Gene, I have an issue only you can help me solve. I've been married to my husband for four years. I don't think I want to be married to him anymore. There's an old college flame that's reappeared in my life and I think I love him. How do I figure out what to do?

Gene Weingarten: Not sure why only I can help you. You have not mentioned children. If there are no children, your choice becomes a relatively easy one, if you're sure the marriage is over.

You also have not mentioned whether you have already consummated an affair. We'll assume you haven't because it's nicer that way.

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Alexandria, Va.: Bare Hand? Shouldn't you have had a plastic bag handy to pick up after your dog?

Gene Weingarten: I did. And tried to use it. Things didn't work out so well.

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Anonymous: "Here I sit broken hearted, paid a dime and only farted" was the poem I most commonly found in public throughout my youth. I wonder how many people under age 25 would even know where it was often seen.

Gene Weingarten: I'm sure they can figure it out by context.

It does remind me of something I may have mentioned years ago. When I was a reporter in Albany in the 1970s, there was a movement (as it were) in the state legislature to outlaw public pay toilets. The reason was obvious: Pay toilets seems to introduce an element of elitism in an area where accommodations should be egalitarian. But powerful people kind of LIKED pay toilets (they tended to stay cleaner than the ones for the rabble right beside them). Even more important, the companies that made the pay toilets had good lobbyists, with ample entertainment budgets, etc. The anti-pay-toilet movement never emerged (as it were) as a force to be reckoned with UNTIL a woman state senator figured out the perfect way to frame the argument:

Because it is impossible to lock a urinal, she argued, the existence of pay toilets ipso facto discriminated against women.

That worked. Legislators were unwilling to risk alieating 51 percent of their constituencies. Pay toilets got flushed away.

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Mistakes?: I noticed how all of his so-called "mistakes" were PR choices. Flying low over Katrina, Mission Accomplished banner, etc. It's like he said his press office was inept. He just did what they told him.

In a way, this makes me have even LESS respect for him (is that even possible?). It further reinforces the image of him as puppet.

Gene Weingarten: Yeah, this is a good point.

In my weakest moments, as a human, I find myself deepl regretting that Bush is so clueless and in denial that we will never have the satisfaction of knowing that he Gets how bad he was. This is petty, and I am ashamed.

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Stea, MN: Wow. Pretty soon Blondie and Thelma are going to jump panels to figure out what's up with Arlo.

Gene Weingarten: I think this is not the one you mean. I think the one you mean happened on Jan. 9. Liz, can we link to that? It's about the day Janis had a happy morning.

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re: "the stream is getting stronger": How long has it been since you last uttered that phrase?

Gene Weingarten: Hahaha.

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washingtonpost.com: Arlo and Janis, (Jan. 9)

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Tenderan, AL: I have to take my eight year-old hound to a new vet today, and I'm assuming that they will want to take her temperature rectally. She is quite dramatic when it comes to her rear entry, to the point where this otherwise docile creature howls and thrashes about, you'd think she was being subjected to enhanced interrogation techniques. Are there any alternatives to such a probe?

Gene Weingarten: I doubt it.

You know what drives a lot of dogs nuts? Messing with their feet, particularly if you put a finger in between the pads. Don't do it. Even Murphy bit at me over that.

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Impossible to lock a urinal: Why?

My recollection is that you paid to enter a stall. Why can't urinals be put into stalls?

Obviously, I'm a female, so I am know not of what I speak.

Gene Weingarten: Well, the whole POINT of a urinal is to not take up the space of a stall.

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Reston: Gene, what Supreme Court precedent are you using to say explicit pornography is not protected free speech? Or is it a trick question because you included the word "distributed"?

Gene Weingarten: I forget the case, but the court has distinguished possession of porn, which they said is protected, from distribution, which it said is not.

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Annandale, Va.: My bulldog/boxer mix was having similar problems out in our front yard one day. Instead of a blade of grass, she had about two inches of thread hanging out. After some complicated maneuvers to get a hold of it, I pulled out another ten inches of string... with a threaded needle at the end.

Gene Weingarten: Wow!

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Petty re: Bush? : I don't know, I think he should have to own up to the consequences of his actions. Why is that petty?

Gene Weingarten: Because, who cares? Life is too short. We got rid of him, let him disappear into his denial.

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Geni, US.: Lars von Trier was right in the sweet spot for that whole interview, wasn't he? Read it one way, it's a satire on the differences between American and European filmmaking; read it another and he's really interested in making your dreams into films.

Read it yet another way and it's apparent your dosages need to be tweaked. I mean, really - a shoe store in Denver? Come on.

Gene Weingarten: Lars was one of my favorite interviews ever.

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Washington, D.C.: Everyone take a deep breath and calm down, there is no such thing as ugly breasts.

washingtonpost.com: Ahem.

Gene Weingarten: Is this Norma Stitz?

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Re:Quiz: I was figuring airplanes, cars or soybeans. Google search found a site that gave these as top 3: 1. Electrical machinery, apparatus and appliances $70,287 (in millions)

2. Road vehicles 51,703

3. Office machines and automatic data processing machines 45,751.

So cars would be first in your list, not planes.

Gene Weingarten: Not the lists I saw. Number one was computer parts, number two airplanes.

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Falls Church, Va.: I once saw my vet counseling a couple with a new puppy. They were advised to touch the dogs feet as much as possible, to get the dog used to it. It is great advice that I pass onto everyone I know with puppies.

Gene Weingarten: That is exactly right. Molly advocates this, too. I came by this information too late.

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"Well-informed": Interesting poll. I always find it illuminating to see how people define "well-informed." Your interests lie in American history, so that's where many of your questions take us. But someone could also make the case that these questions are more relevant than who lost against FDR:

1. When you flush your toilet, where exactly do the contents end up?

2. When you eat an 8-ounce steak, how much grain did the steer consume to provide that steak? How many people could that grain have fed, had it not been used to fatten the steer?

3. Under what conditions was the animal now on your plate raised? How was it slaughtered?

4. How many families in the U.S. are living in poverty?

5. Who made that sweater you just got on sale at Old Navy? Under what conditions? How much was that person paid?

I would argue that at least one measure of being well-informed is the degree to which you are willing to look at the consequences of the comfortable life you are leading. We have a truly remarkable capacity for ignorance and denial when it comes to the suffering of others. What's really important to know?

Gene Weingarten: This is a terrific point. And a good potential poll. Thank you.

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River City, Va.: Gene,

Sorry I de-friended you on facebook in exchange for a free sandwich. No hard feelings?

Gene Weingarten: None. This is a brilliant customer-driven marketing campaign.

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Dream Life: I have a very active dream life. My dreams are incredibly detailed and involved. I fight crime, I solve mysteries, I build amazing houses.

When my brother and I were in our late teens, I had a dream that he was lying on the stairs of our childhood home, playing his guitar and singing this line over and over: "The problem with those who you really love is they never know who you really are." It was haunting, and beautiful. (He -is- a musician in real life.)

I told him about the dream, and it led to one of those rare conversations where your darkest emotions are put on the table, and it led to him seeking help for a depression that was not at all apparent in our day-to-day lives.

Of course my subconcious knew that something was wrong with him. I get that. But as someone who is not new-agey at all, I wouldn't trade my dream life for anything. Not even for a million dollars. No, really.

Gene Weingarten: I envy you.

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Uh, Liz?: That's still the Jan. 13 Arlo and Janis...

washingtonpost.com: Augh. Here.

Gene Weingarten: Is this right?

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Washington, D.C.: (not the previous poster) I got 8 right. Does that mean I can call myself a smartypants?

Gene Weingarten: Yes, eight is very good. A woman I know who is famous for being very smart only got 7.

Tom the Butcher also got 7.

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Annandale, Va.: Gene,

Assuming your Mazda has a radio, and assuming said radio has preset buttons, do you set them in order of personal preference or from lowest to highest (i.e. 94.7, 100.3, 103.5, etc.)?

Gene Weingarten: My Mazda's radio's preset functions have not worked since 1999.

But in my other cars: Set by frequency of use.

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Re: ugly breasts: There are many, many women out there whose breasts do not look like Playboy playmates'. And I'm not talking size, I'm talking things like shape, appearance of the nipple, etc. And we all think that our breasts are ugly. And now we're all sure you're talking about us. Thanks.

Gene Weingarten: This is precisely why I will not enter this arena.

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Alexandria, Va.: Maybe you'll post this maybe not... but as a 43yo married male - my opinion on 'bushwhacking" is thus:

Hardwood floors are too little.

The full shag carpet is too much, and a '70s look by the way. AKA "Winterbush"

A nice area rug is what you are looking for here.

Gene Weingarten: Okay.

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Vets: Does Molly plan to practice in the D.C. area? She sounds like a great vet, and I'd happily go to her.

Gene Weingarten: She will be finding out where she will be interning fairly soon. She graduates in May.

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Austin, TX: Yeah, Chatwoman's cat is bad, but mine can do this.

washingtonpost.com: Is that a roach trap behind the toilet?

Gene Weingarten: It is! It is!

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Dogbutt: I feel your pain with Murphy's poo hanger, but I think I have you beat. I was at the dog park with my adorable, hysterical puppy when I noticed the same baleful eyes and hunched posture -- I went over and sure enough, a hanger. But not of poo! It was an, ahem, contraceptive device. Pulling that out of my dog's butt in front of 15 people was definitely not a highlight of my day, although it was pretty funny in hindsight.

That episode was followed immediately by a phone call to the guy I was dating to say "THIS is why we flush condoms!"

Gene Weingarten: I have a friend who was walking her dog, and talking to neighbors as the dog was pooping out a tampon.

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Supeme Court Decisions: How many of us know that the Court's decision to protect flag burning came in a 5-4 vote and that Antonin Scalia was in the majority?

He's not a conservative; he's a strict Constitutionalist.

Gene Weingarten: I didn't know that.

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Santa Ana, Calif.: He was wishing Obama the very best. He had preceded that comment by talking about the challenges Obama faced.

Gene Weingarten: Okay, makes sense.

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34-year-old guy: Gene, you are so wrong... Less is by far better. Really, this needs a poll.

Gene Weingarten: Sigh. I know it does.

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RE: Neighbor Etiquette: This happened to me when I was in college living in the dorms. The upstairs neighbors were very, um, enthusiastic. I slipped a condom under their door one day with a note, "Keep up the good work!" That was the last I heard from them.

Gene Weingarten: Nice!

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Breast redux: I'm a guy who has never met a body part he didn't like.

But I do especially love breasts. For me, though, it's not the size (or the shape) but the concept.

I love being nurtured.

Gene Weingarten: See, ladies?

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That photo: zomg, take it down. Did you look at it? That is one filthy toilet!

Gene Weingarten: Hahahahaha.

I love this chat.

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White PLains, N.Y.: I guess this is similar to alleviating Murphy's situation. The other day my 7 month old sneezed and what looked like a line of white snot came out. I tugged on it -- turned out to be a long noodle. I was a nice mommy and didn't try to re-feed it to her.

Gene Weingarten: Dan, 24, can still make his sister, 27, laugh out loud by reminding her of the time he sneezed a noodle out of his nose.

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Dog feet: So when you have a dog who freaks out when his feet are touched, how do you keep the nails clipped?

My poor dog hasn't had his nails clipped in over a year because we can't do it ourselves and the groomer we took him to finally told us to not come back (not only does he freak, but he gets nervous diarrhea). So far it's not causing any problems, but it will eventually and we're not quite sure what to do, short of sedation.

This is my first dog and I thought I had prepared myself pretty well, but clearly not. With the next one, I'll be an avid foot fondler from the get-go.

Gene Weingarten: Sometimes, the vet needs to sedate the dog.

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Wow: Are you judging people with roach traps? W - T - eff? Most of us with roach traps have them because our neighbors suck - not because we are filthy human beings.

Gene Weingarten: Not judging. It's just bad composition in the picture.

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Very important question: I am in the age group with Liz and have an interesting question about aging for whoever can answer it. My husband and I making fun of one of those horrible commercials for men's hair color of course directed at those wishing to cover the gray. My husband made a joke about the "carpets matching the drapes" which prompted me to ask the question...does "the carpet" go gray as you age? I've honestly never thought of it before, and have not had the opportunity (or desire) to investigate. I'm just curious if this is another aspect of aging I have never thought of before.

Gene Weingarten: Lizzie is sending over carpet questions!!

I believe the answer is yes, but it grays substantially later than the hair on your head. One reason may be that it is about 12 years younger than the hair on your head.

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Because this is anonymous...: how does one pronounce "redux"? I am a smart lady, and have once humiliated myself by mispronouncing "gauche" in public. I didn't take french, and some of these things that your read, see, etc., and know exactly what they mean, you have no idea how to say and it's too embarrassing at age 30 to ask.

Gene Weingarten: Believe it or not, it is "re-DUCKS."

Yeah, I know.

It is also a HOM-idge.

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American Wife: Have you or any of your chatters read this book by Curtis Sittenfeld which is a novelized version of Laura Bush's life? It devotes much text to trying to figure out why a woman who is purportedly bright, literate, and not necessarily a social conservative, has stayed with her husband all these years. The unflattering conclusion is that she was so passive she simply put up with all his bad behavior, blather, and boneheadedness, albeit scoring a few minor hits along the way. Even though it is fiction, it was a sad tale.

Gene Weingarten: This is sort of the dynamic presented in the Oliver Stone movie, W.

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The Poll: Gene, Florida has the 3rd highest number of electoral votes, not New York. TX = 34, NY = 31, FL = 27, PA & IL = 21. Thank you.

Gene Weingarten: WEll, that would be true if it were not for a lil ol place called California.

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Baltimore, Md.: Baltimore again - no kids, and yes, a few incidents with the former flame. I am a bad person.

Gene Weingarten: The kids is the important part.

Yeah, I sorta guessed.

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Ugly Breasts: I personally think the only way a women's breasts are unattractive is if they are covered up by a too large sweatshirt or other such article of clothing that leaves one wondering if that is a fold or her. There is no such thin as an ugly naked breast!!!!!!!!!!!

Gene Weingarten: Okay!!

I said that many men feel that way.

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Washington, DC: Okay, I get it. Over the years your chat has taught me that (a) my grammar sucks; (b) I'm woefully ignorant; and (c) I may be obnoxiously obsessed with obeying trivial, arbitrary "rules" related to things like parking and orderly queues.

So when are you going to offer some solutions, huh? Is it too late for me, or do you have any resources to suggest for improving ones self with regard to any of these deficiencies?

Gene Weingarten: Hew slavishly to my views and learn from my delivered wisdom.

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Pulling that out of my dog's butt in front of 15 people was definitely not a highlight of my day, although it was pretty funny in hindsight. : Pretty funny in HINDSIGHT. Nice.

My boxer once passed a headset. Not one of those little bluetooth headsets, a '97 version with the head brace and the cord and the mouthpiece. Sony poop.

Gene Weingarten: How big is your dog?

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Carpet gray: Yes, it does.

And not substantially later, apparently, for me. I found my first gray hair on my head this year and my first gray carpet thread on Saturday. Worst day ever.

I am a hot 27-year-old and I am so glad this chat is anonymous.

Gene Weingarten: If it is any consolation: No guy will care. He'll just be so pleased to be in a position to notice.

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Marvin Garde, NS: Gene,I'm not sure if this meets your aptonym standards but there is a Professor Monopoli who teaches Property Law at U. Md. Law School. She formerly taught Property at G.W. Law as well and also "sits on the ALI's Consultative Committees for the Restatement Third of Property," as noted on her profile page on the U. Md. Law School Web site.

washingtonpost.com: Paula Monopoli

Gene Weingarten: Thank you.

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You-mor?: This has been bugging me and I always forget to write it in. How do you, former New Yorker, pronounce the words "humor" and "human"? It drives me completely up the wall when y'all pronounce it "you", since it seems exclusive to people from your region. I'm wondering if you have a defense...

Gene Weingarten: I aspirate it a little. I taught myself to do that late in life.

But this gives me an opportunity to impart some valuable knowledge. If you want to learn how to pronounce the German "ich" correctly, it's the initial sound of the correctly pronounced "human." Start with "eeh" and add the aspirated 'H"

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Alexandria, Va.: I saw the movie "The Wrestler" this weekend, and one scene was the Hollywood staple of a couple having sex in the ladies bathroom. Does that ever happen in real life?

Gene Weingarten: I bet it happens in men's bathrooms about 3,973 times more often.

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Re: George and Laura: I can't stand Bush as a president. I agree he is already in the bottom 5 and likely to stay there.

BUT, the one thing he seems good at is being a family man- good husband, caring father (yeah, the twins like to have a good time, they seem to have survived okay.) His most prized quality is loyalty, and that's a pretty good quality to have in a husband. Maybe Laura stays with him because he's good to her, however bad he is to the rest of us.

Gene Weingarten: There is a famous story, possibly apocryphal, about how he verbally slapped down a woman who was coming on to him, saying he was a married man.

Which reminds me of the joke about the guy who woke up with a busted lip, a black eye, and a loving note from his wife.

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Colored Carpet, Ing: Why go gray?

Gene Weingarten: Thank you.

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Aptonym Collecti, ON: This is right up your alley, Gene!

Gene Weingarten: For their simplicity alone, I like numbers 5, 7, and 10 a lot.

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So when you have a dog who freaks out when his feet are touched, how do you keep the nails clipped?: If you walk the dog a couple miles a day, the dog's nails are naturally trimmed by the friction with concrete and asphalt. It's also a great way to keep your dog healthy.

Gene Weingarten: In theory, this is true, but I've never found that it entirely does the trick. Murphy is walked on concrete a lot, but still needs her nails trimmed.

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Yumans from New York: I was living in New York when Hurricane Hugo hit. The local news casts were hilarious.

Gene Weingarten: You mean Hurricane Yugo.

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How to pronounce the German "ich" correctly: You're not making allowances for regional differences. I had one Austrian and one North German prof for German in college, and the pronunciation ranges from almost-eesh to almost-eek.

Gene Weingarten: Noted.

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Gene Weingarten: Okay, thank you all.

Next Tuesday at noon there will be some sort of event going on, and it has been decided that chatting at that moment would be a very lonely event indeed. The plan at this point is to move the chat to Wednesday, noon.

Keep an eye out for the change. And no updates this week.

Bye.

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