Carolyn Hax Live: Is the Second Date Too Soon... To Reveal One's Prejudices? plus Thank You Notes and Looking Below the Surface of "Traditional" Marriage

In her daily column in The Washington Post Style section, Carolyn Hax offers readers advice based on the experiences of someone who's been there. Hax is an ex-repatriated New Englander with a liberal arts degree and a lot of opinions and that's about it, really, when you get right down to it. Oh, and the shoes. A lot of shoes.

Carolyn was online Friday, January 16 taking your questions and comments about her current advice column and any other questions you might have about the strange train we call life. Her answers may appear online or in an upcoming column.

A transcript follows.

E-mail Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com.

Got more to say? Check out Carolyn's discussion group, Hax-Philes. Comments submitted to the chat may be used in the discussion group.

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Carolyn Hax Live Archives

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Bethesda, Md.: Petty question, but irksome nonetheless. Is it ever okay to mention NOT receiving a thank you note? Several of us at work gave a co-worker extremely generous wedding gifts. He was young, newly married, etc. and we felt a generous cash gift would be a nice thing to do. Now, almost a year to the date, not one of us has received a thank you note. We're all a little bitter! P.S. -- I would also love to hear the other chatters' opinions!

Carolyn Hax: It's not okay, but if there's any doubt as to the safe receipt of your gift, it is okay to mention to him that you hadn't heard anything about the gift, so you wanted to make sure it arrived safely and didn't get lost in transit/the mail/the pile. In fact, it's encouraged, because sometimes things do get lost, especially cash.

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Carolyn Hax: Oh, and hi everybody.

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wife of the bike rider: Apparently I am the only Hax reader who doesn't spend the entire discussion hour hanging on your every word. I live in a different time zone, so I generally read the transcript later. If I had been reading, I think I would have cried.

Rather than expose myself to further ridicule, I'm going to stop participating in this forum

I should clarify that I thought the peanuts' responses were totally in bounds and in some cases helpful. (Turns out the timing was about nutrient use -- the problem of him exercising during dinner prep started when my husband was training for triathlons -- and I would not have known to ask.)

It was your snarky assumption that I should be hanging on your every word that upset me.

Carolyn Hax: Really? I never assume anyone is "hanging on [my] every word." Because this is a live forum, it allows for back and forth, which sets it apart from a static Q and A of regular written advice. As such, whenever there's an issue of clarity, I gratefully use the interactivity feature to have the questioner elaborate on his or her situation. It allows for a much better answer.

I've been doing this for 11 years, though, and so I'm quite accustomed to throwing a question back to a reader and not getting a reply. There are plenty of participants who can't be here in real time, and they've always been just as welcome as the ones who can be present.

I don't set out to make anyone cry. Nothing in response to your question was mean-spirited, and it was all meant for you to see and bat back at us; it was just interesting how the speculation took the shape of something that seemed like the truth, even though we had no confirmation of that (until now, of course).

I actually believe that had you been here, you would have answered my and others' questions, objected to whatever you found objectionable, and we would have come to, I hope, a workable answer for you. As it happens, that came true anyway, if with a week's delay--which, again, happens fairly regularly around here.

Finally, I'm glad you figured out what your husband's motivation was, but I also hope you aren't so angry at me--and the (I thought) very helpful readers who pitched in--that you tune out the underlying message, which is that you and your husband have some communication blocks that have nothing to do with dinner. You both seem to have very precise desires, actions and schedules, and you seem to be carrying them out independently of each other, with minimal information exchanged. That is a path to loneliness and frustration, if you're not already there.

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Washington, D.C.: I love your column and chat. I was just wondering -- do you receive an overwhelming amount of questions about romantic relationships, mother-in-laws, and weddings? I just feel like a lot of answers or columns focus on these issues more than anything else.

Carolyn Hax: Things come in waves. Often I'll address an issue that hasn't come up in a while, and it will shake loose a bunch of similar questions. Since they're often interesting follow-ups to the original, I'll answer yet another mother-in-law question (to use a recent example), even though it's been a mother-in-law-ish season for the column. While I do so at the risk of creating a recurring theme that doesn't include everyone, I think it's worth it to allow for a fuller discussion of really complicated topics.

Weddings might be an exception. They're the train wreck that keeps on giving.

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Thank yous: My cousin's wife sent them out 9 months after the wedding and didn't even sign them. No note and no names! His mom wasn't too happy and said something to him and he seemed surprised... So, maybe the groom wasn't privy to the thank yous and just assumes one was sent?

Carolyn Hax: Please tell me his mom was doubly not too happy (huh?) that her carefully raised son dumped the job on his wife by default, or else I might have to foam at the mouth.

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Potomac, Md.: My SO and I just recently found out that I'm pregnant. He was more calm than I am when we found out, now a few days later it seems to be that he's panicking. Is this normal?

Carolyn Hax: I'd venture that not panicking is the abnormal response, but then I might just sound cynical.

His reaction makes sense to me: "A baby? Cool!" [pause to consider what this means.] [pause to consider all the other things to consider that didn't fit in the first wave.] [slow backing into of nearest chair.] Panic.

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Washington, D.C.: Carolyn -- I had a conversation with a friend yesterday that just floored me. She started off telling me that she was starting to feel better about her relationship of ten months because the guy was finally putting her first and really trying (the relationship has been a roller coaster the entire time). Next she told me that she had stopped using birth control. Then she told me that the up-to-now problematic boyfriend wanted a baby with her and that she was considering doing this. Now, my friend is a school teacher in her early thirties who desperately wants a child. I believe she would be a good mother. But I feel strongly that having a child with a man who makes her repeatedly unhappy in a relationship that has never been stable would be doing a great disservice to the child. This would be a permanent mistake and he would be in her life forever as the father of the child. I was unable to get through to her because she is convinced that he might be her last hope to have a child (that her biological clock is ticking). Do you agree with me or am I off-base? Can you help me find the words to let her know she should wait and not make a life-altering decision?

Carolyn Hax: People determined to do something stupid and selfish are runaway trains. I think that's just the kind of momentum it takes to get past all those barriers of reason and logic.

But there are two things that can help you feel a little better about it. One, you can realize that a happy beginning and a happy/meaningful life don't correlate one-to-one. Just think of how many family-dysfunction stories get swapped here on a weekly basis. None of us got to choose our parents, and how many of us, realistically, were dealt two aces? So (and I say this not as an endorsement of cavalier breeding behavior) if these imperfect parents find a way to love their baby, the baby has a decent shot at a decent life.

You can also pose the question to your friend, once: "It might not be your last hope to have a child, but, sure maybe it is. So just to be sure: Would you want to be this baby, and have you two as parents?" Then promise that's all you're saying on the subject and will shut up now.

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Thank Yous... continued: I remember that being our first big fight. We split them up by who knew the person the best (we both signed), b/c it's ridiculous to expect just one person to do all of them.

They probably went out at the 9 month mark (despite my mother's daily howling) because I refused to send mine out before his were done. This has made me VERY patient in receiving thank you notes at least.

Carolyn Hax: Interesting take, thanks.

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Mason-Dixon Romance : My boyfriend and I were raised very differently. He is very traditional, believes the man is the head of the household, appreciates having his dinner set before him on the table, et. while I was raised by a single dad and believe strongly in gender equality. Over the holidays, I spent time with BF's family and was kind of touched by the way their home ran, watching the mom serve the dad and so on. I think there's something romantic and sweet about it, and I am willing to try to fit that role more for my boyfriend. My friends are horrified and think there is something inherently wrong with a relationship in which the two partners play different roles. I think it's probably fine as long as everyone is okay with it. What do you think?

Carolyn Hax: Wow. Before you commit to anything, define "probably."

Also, find out what this agreement looks like below the surface. Presumably she serves him dinner, and he handles the cars and the lawn care, and then ... ? Who makes decisions about money? Can she say no to sex? If she gets sick, will he take over the cooking and keep the kids in clean clothes, or will he whine and abdicate and leave a staggering mess to greet her when she recovers?

If she decides she never wants to cook or clean anything ever again, will he support her late entry onto a career track and hiring someone to take over the household responsibilities, or will he resist and pout and grumble that this isn't what he signed up for?

Or is this all occurring while she works, thereby forcing her to have two full-time jobs, while he's free to dine in comfort and go read the paper after a day's work at his one full-time job?

What if they disagree on something fundamental--say, she wants the kids to go to a private school to get some special needs addressed, but he says no because he's not willing to give up his membership of A or ownership of B. Does he hold veto power, simply because he's male?

Please know, men who are reading this, that I don't mean to vilify men. Obviously men have been instrumental in getting rid of these exact stereotypes I've just dusted off, and also there were plenty of "traditional" families where those stereotypes didn't apply; respect for women (their intelligence, talent, whatever) was alive and well among many men who had their dinners brought to them by women.

I also think the whole purpose of the women's movement wasn't to make sure a wife never serves her husband dinner again; it was to make sure that men and women both bring their voices to the discussion over who does what, not just at home, but also in the workplace and in civic life.

Of course, finally, you needn't listen to your friends or me or anyone else when it comes to deciding how you'll shape your life with a partner. Even if it's warped all the way, it's -your- warped.

However, if you're going to shape your life around a 48-hour Norman Rockwell moment, I think it's essential that you remind yourself (of inform yourself, if you never looked closely at the women's movement, particularly its mid-20th-century American phase) of exactly what kind of misery drove so many women to rebel so forcefully. In other words, choose away, but not before you know what you're choosing.

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Thank yous and gender roles: Wait... is it a big deal if the wife does all of them? I cheerfully took on the thank-you writing, partly because I thought that it was tradition for the bride to do it and partly because I'm, er, better at this sort of thing than my husband. (I also like stationery a lot, which helped.) Is this one of those "any way is acceptable as long as everyone's happy" things?

Carolyn Hax: See above.

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Bethesda, Md.: Cash giver here -- Gift was hand delivered. So, what do you say?

Carolyn Hax: Just bad manners, then. But I'd shelve the bitterness, for two reasons. One, you gave because you wanted to, and ultimately that's what really matters. And two, things could be worse:

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"Missing" Thank You Note: Be prepared for an answer that might make you more bitter.

My goddaughter graduated from high school last June. Over a family dinner the night before, she confided that she was feeling stressed over money -- how to pay her car insurance, how to have enough to pay her college tuition. Instead of giving her the gift I'd chosen and wrapped, I gave her the cash equivalent in a card that she handed to her dad unopened. Months later, she texted me for something, and I asked if she got the card.

Yes.

Did you get the money that was in it?

I guess so -- I don't really remember, since it was so long ago and I took all of the cash directly to the bank and made a single deposit.

Then she went on to explain how there were SO many cash gifts, she simply couldn't keep them all straight.

One guess what she got for her birthday and Christmas: Nothing. If she can't be bothered to acknowledge $100, I certainly don't want to burden her with more gifts.

Carolyn Hax: Oh well.

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Baltimore, Md.: I share an apartment with my boyfriend. The other day, we got into a shouting match over my shoe collection (no, seriously). My shoes take up roughly half of the coat closet.

I think this is reasonable -- sure, it's a lot of shoes, but I am female and I work in a business-casual environment. I need lots of shoes. Of course, I paid for them myself, and of course, I contribute equally in paying for the apartment and maintaining it.

He is angry because my shoes are taking up, in his opinion, valuable storage space. He says that I only have two feet, so I don't need three dozen pairs of shoes.

FWIW, he has his own office in our two-bedroom apartment, and while I decorated the place, I don't have a room to myself. I don't think half a closet for shoes is unreasonable.

What's your take?

Carolyn Hax: I think that if you're arguing need, you're going to lose; that if he's arguing fairness, he's going to lose; and that if you're shouting about this, the shoes are just a proxy for a maturity problem.

He, apparently, is trying to assert his will in who you are, which is immature--and instead of reminding him that his will doesn't have any say in who you are (except to love it or leave it), you're instead trying to justify yourself to him. That, too, is immature.

You can't make him grow up, but you can do your part by letting him know you're not interested in justifying what you do with your own money. Instead, you'd be happy to discuss this strictly in terms of shared space. Can he make an argument that you're taking up more than your fair share in the apartment? If he wants closet space, then surely he'd be willing to cede you some of his office space to store your things. And if he can't argue that you're taking up more than your share, then perhaps he can then agree there's nothing to argue about here. (Though you'll be happy to look into a shelving system that minimizes footwear sprawl, ya?)

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Rockville, Md.: It was my understanding that if gifts are given and opened in front of the giver, and thanks are given then, no thank you card should be expected. I am all for thank you cards but sometimes gift givers seem to stress over this so much. I thought gifts were meant to give joy, to the giver and recipient, not with an expectation of a response.

Carolyn Hax: This is true. If he opened the card and said, WOW THANKS GUYS, then he's done. For some reason, people still send out thank-yous for shower gifts opened in front of the giver, which I won't complain about because, hey, gratitude is good. However, to the extent it creates an expectation, it's a problem. As long as you've been thanked somehow, consider yourself thanked.

Thanks for weighing in. (Send me your address and I'll write a gratuitous follow-up thank you note.)

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State of Confusion: Hax, I'm a 31 year old male, athletic, have a relatively well-paying and steady job, not bad looking (I'm no Brad Pitt either, but who is, right?), semi-funny, I'm not an alcoholic, I don't smoke, I treat people well, and I keep a close relationship with my family; so, does that mean I should have been married by now and have at least two kids? Some people that know me (family friends) see me and all they do (every time) is ask why I'm not married, why I don't have a girlfriend (which I don't), etc.

I'm starting to think that perhaps there is something wrong with me, that maybe all this time that I thought I was comfortable in my own skin I was only fooling myself, that maybe it's just a front, and perhaps I do have some sort of weird emotional issue that is not allowing me to meet my significant other and start a family? I haven't had a girlfriend in over two years but it hasn't really bothered me until lately. Is it because I'm getting old and my biological clock is also ticking, or am I giving into what others are saying and is affecting my self-confidence. Do I just tell them to shut their pie holes and mind their own lives? Thx.

Carolyn Hax: Yes! If you can get it on video, e-mail it to tellme@washpost.com

Sounds as if you have two choices here. You can take these concerns seriously, and run an am-I-just-kidding-myself scan on your day-to-day life. Or, you can take the concerns as a compliment, that people regard your assets as so many and so obvious that clearly you have your pick of women, and therefore not having met the right one is not a convincing explanation for them.

About the former, I would say, why not--it never hurts to test your basic assumptions, as long as you don't dwell on the process too long.

About the latter I'd say, don't listen. Complimentary as it may be, it's way off. Meeting someone who makes you feel more than you were before, not less, is a bit of alchemy that (IMHO) people regard too lightly.

For many people, being okay with the way they are--the very thing people identify as making them so marriage-worthy--makes them -less- likely to change the balance by introducing someone else.

Just some theories.

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Spouse's personality change?: Carolyn,

How do you talk to your spouse about a personality change? My husband and I are mid-30s, no kids, married 5 years. Over the past year, my husband has aways had a strong personality. Enjoys life. Strong opinions. Lately, his strong opinions all seem too negative. He's more critical of people (prior, he was one of the least judgmental people I knew), more critical of me, more critical of the world generally.

All of this puts me on edge. Maybe unfairly. He's usually been the more positive one. So I'm trying to do that for him right now. But I would like a way to talk to him about this without sounding like I'm insulting him or like I don't want him to tell me how he really feels or like I don't want him to be who he really is, whoever that is.

Nothing major has changed in our lives lately. We have our general issues as I assume most married couples do. But I don't think that is what's driving this. I don't know what to say after I ask, "Is everything okay lately?" and he says "Yes, why?" and I say, "You seem a little more negative lately," and he says "How so?" Do I give examples? That seems so mean. Like I'm tracking his bad behavior.

Carolyn Hax: It's not mean, it's helpful. Think of some examples, and talk to him again--just keep yourself squarely anchored in the position of being worried about him, because such a positive person has taken a turn for the negative. Even if you have to say explicitly, "I'm not attacking you, I love you, and I'm worried about you." Have some examples as well, if you can, of the positive way he used to handle a situation similar to the ones he's now handling negatively.

Such personality/attitude changes are serious business, by the way. On the mild end, they can be the pervasive bad mood that makes you want out of your life together, and on the severe end, they can be a symptom of serious health problems.

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Thank you for doing your chore: Yesterday my boyfriend told me he would stop taking the trash out if I keep not thanking him for it. (seriously?!?!) I told him I'd stop doing the laundry if I didn't start getting a thank you card for each clean load!

Carolyn Hax: I do wonder sometimes if all these things can be traced to getting cut off in traffic or dissed at work or some other petty insult beyond out control, which motivates us unconsciously to seek perverse and petty justice in the one arena where we feel comfortable.

Good answer, by the way.

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bacon pants Q: Speaking of things coming in waves, the origin of "bacon pants" was someone writing in response to a very scary abuse situation -- something to the effect that the abuser needed to be sent swimming in a shark-infested sea while wearing a pair of bacon pants.

Could we get a link to the original? I don't suppose there was ever a followup, was there? I kinda wonder how that all turned out.

washingtonpost.com: Here it is, about halfway down the page. (Chat transcript, Oct. 23, 2001)

Carolyn Hax: I would love to say that I clearly remember a follow-up or that I clearly remember looking for one that never came, but my mental archives aren't what I'd call detailed. (Nice to know, though, that Bacon Pants were there for us during such difficult times for our country.)

Thanks for the link, Elizabeth.

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I hope this makes sense. : I know we all have our prejudices, but how much prejudice rules someone out as a dating partner? Over our second date, the guy I've been seeing revealed (through casual conversation) his attitudes toward several different minority groups. They are attitudes I happen to share, but I have always been of the belief that you keep those things to yourself, at least until you're in the privacy of your home or family. Should I be put off by the fact that he was so vocal about his prejudices, or can I overlook them since we happen to "match" in that area? (By the way, I like him a lot otherwise.)

Carolyn Hax: I've read this about three times and I still don't know what to say.

If you're judging individuals based on your opinion of the demographic group(s) to which they belong, then I guess all I can say is that if you hit it off, please don't raise children to share your views.

Ridding society of prejudice isn't about having the social awareness not to utter prejudices in public. It's about recognizing the fundamental flaw in judging people based on incomplete, often wrong and, in most cases, superficial information. So, no, don't date this angry and ignorant person.

The longer you put off walking a mile in others' shoes, the more it's going to hurt.

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Columbia Md.: Maybe this is too hokey for your taste, but my fiance and I do thank each other for taking out the trash, doing the laundry, etc. I would never say it's expected (and certainly not demanded as in the previous post) and it probably doesn't happen every time, but it is nice to have the verbal gratitude.

Carolyn Hax: Actually, it's not hokey at all. Appreciating each other is the best thing a couple, two friends, two colleagues, two neighbors, etc., can do to invest in long-term goodwill.

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Today's chat: Okay well the post about the boyfriend wanting to be thanked for taking out the trash (something he's SUPPOSED to be doing anyway) is just amazing. Today's chat has made me proud to be single and man-free.

So thank you for that! And that thank you counts.

Carolyn Hax: Because you say so, or I say so?

Please don't use this boyfriend as the measure of all men. (Thematic crossover alert--I think we got three in here.)

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thank yous: My husband and I split up the thank yous. He did the people he knew best and same for me. We had a list where we would check off the people that we thanked, etc. Somewhere along the way, he stopped checking off people. Then, we tried to go back and remember who was sent what. It was a mess. In the meantime, some people got 2 thank yous. And, because they are friends and family they called to make fun of my excessive thank yous. Some sent thank yous for my thank yous. It was pretty funny. But, even after 3 years, I still hope that I didn't forget someone completely. I would hate it if someone was out there quietly angry at me just because of a thank you note.

Carolyn Hax: I've had something similar to this happen (lost the list) and still have no idea whether the last people got notes, because I wasn't sure even then who those last people were. Guessed at a couple, probably doubled up as you did, and stiffed a few people, too. It is an argument for being forgiving when you're on the receiving end of the thank-yous.

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Anonymous: Carolyn wrote: I do wonder sometimes if all these things can be traced to getting cut off in traffic or dissed at work or some other petty insult beyond out control, which motivates us unconsciously to seek perverse and petty justice in the one arena where we feel comfortable.

I would totally believe this. My husband, generally a sweet, supportive guy, can get suddenly nasty or unreasonable for seemingly no reason, and when we finally talk it through, often it ends up that he's still reeling from some outside influence (traffic problems esp. seem to be a culprit).

These are the kinds of things I think we're supposed to let go, after talking & apologies, right? But I find it really hard sometimes, because I feel like I'm getting sniped at for something that is not my fault. Maybe I'm being oversensitive, especially as I can recognize the source has nothing to do with me. On the other hand, since he also figures out it has nothing to do with me, shouldn't he be more gentle with me? i.e., why am I, his wife, getting the worst side of him?

Carolyn Hax: They're both legitimate lines of reasoning. As the person who knows him best, you're in the best position to anticipate when his bad mood isn't really about you; that's one of the great gifts one partner can give to another.

And also, as the person who shares his life and home with him, you deserve the best he has to offer. That, too, is one of the great gifts one partner can give to another.

The best way to reconcile them, to my mind, is to understand that a little of the former is inevitable, but when it starts to overtake the latter, then you need to speak up. If you can learn to anticipate him, then it's reasonable to ask him to try to learn to anticipate himself a bit more, too.

No way to guarantee that he'll do it, of course, but that doesn't mean you shouldnt' ask.

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Chesterfield, Va.: Please... I am curious, very curious. What types of ethnic commentary just comes up in conversation? Blank out the ethnic group and give us an example or two. I am at a loss picturing this conversation. And if you can get us through that one, explain how you can be offended that he outed himself before you did. Is there a custom of co-outing... or only outing yourself as a bigot after matrimony?

Carolyn Hax: Eager to see the answer, thanks. Unless that gets me in trouble again ...

Eager to see the answer, thanks, but not assuming anyone is actually reading this.

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Washington, D.C.: "For many people, being okay with the way they are--the very thing people identify as making them so marriage-worthy--makes them -less- likely to change the balance by introducing someone else." I think this is me. Not such a terrible thing, but now I am getting older (early late 30's, not that I'm sensitive about it or anything), and I recently realized I do want to get married and have kids.

So how do I change the balance that has served me well for so long, without tipping into desperation (not attractive on anyone)?

Carolyn Hax: Don't change it, necessarily. Just ask yourself if you're receptive at all to new people. If you aren't, then venture out of your routine a bit, and if you are, then carry on as usual, except maybe with an eye to things you might do differently. Definitely there are times when drastic upheaval is necessary, but there are also cases when giving one bolt a half-turn is enough of an adjustment to change everything. Try the latter, and see what happens.

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--A listener or enabler? Rockville, Md.: Hi Carolyn, love the chats. I need advice for how to respond when my close friend obsessively brings up a two-week fling that happened a year ago -- it ended badly, with them first trying to be friends, and then his cutting off all communication with her in unequivocal terms. His final words to her were ugly. My worry kicks in because she brings it up a lot, always fearing that she will never feel such passion with anyone else, that this was some magical interlude that she desperately misses. She compares new romantic interests to this old flame, and they all pale in comparison. I feel strange about trying to tamp down her happy memory, but I feel pretty convinced it's keeping her from moving on. Or maybe I'm wrong and it's natural to retain such strong feelings a year later? The other part of me wonders if I am enabling her fixation just by listening.

Carolyn Hax: "Given that this fling has tortured you since the moment it ended, I would think you'd be looking for future relationships to resemble this one as little as possible."

I.e., tamp away. If you saw her repeatedly hitting herself over the head with a dinner plate, you'd probably try to stop her. This is similar.

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Outer Burbs, Va.: Hi, What is the etiquette for "friending" an old boy/girlfriend on one of those social websites? I have read that you shouldn't email old flames because it can cause problems on either side. This person was a good friend in high school and since I have recently begun "friending" other old classmates, it seems weird to ignore this -one- person. We have both been married (to other people) for years now. Thanks!

Carolyn Hax: It isn't the "friending" that gets people in trouble, it's following the curiosity bread crumbs into exchanges you wouldn't want your spouses to see. Before you send anything, ask yourself if you'd be hurt by your spouse sending that same note to someone else. One exception, I think, is if this is someone you already think about more than you'd like. Then I'd just preemptively avoid, no matter how "weird" it seems.

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Prejudice girl : I'm hesitant to answer this question, since my first one apparently reflected really badly on me. But anyway, the guy works in the court system and just moved into a gentrifying neighborhood. When we talked about his job, he shared a number of anecdotes about _________s blaming everyone but themselves for their perpetual trouble with the law. When we talked about his recent move, he told me about a family of __________s who left him a series of nasty, inarticulate notes asking him to quit driving up the property values in their neighborhoods.

Basically, he and I are conservative types who are of the mind that people should take responsibility for themselves, and we resent that some minority groups still want to make excuses and cast blame everywhere else. It was a deep conversation and he could tell from my responses that I was receptive to his viewpoint.

Carolyn Hax: Yah. White people never make excuses or bring down property values.

But wait, there's more:

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Prejudice girl again: Oh, and we are both opposed to the "gay rights" fight, which came up because I floated an innocent question about the upcoming inauguration. So I guess it's my fault he outed himself, if you want to call it that.

Carolyn Hax: If you know you look bad--and you do--will that turn your attention inward? Will it take your having a gay child, or one who marries out of your race or faith? Or will you stick to your pat groupings as the last word on a person's worth?

I do appreciate your answering our questions. While it's no picnic, reading through my mail and the outtakes of these discussions is one of the most useful things I do with my time--not just professionally, but personally. Nothing like having my world views and mind sets and guiding beliefs/assumptions put to hostile scrutiny to keep at least part of me skeptical of my own reasoning and choices. So, I hope there's something here that you find useful.

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Did I miss something?: "Wife of the bike rider?" Am I the only one confused that this is supposed to mean something to me? I never miss a chat but I'm lost...

washingtonpost.com: Last week's chat.

Carolyn Hax: Yep. (Was that okay?)

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Midland, Texas: Carolyn,

How does one get on the same page with her husband in raising and dealing with issues with their child? My son is from my previous marriage and my current husband and I have been married for 1 year. My husband is quick to spank, where that is one of my last resorts. Like the other night at the dinner table my son and I started dancing to this funny tune we heard... He got after my son and said 'we don't dance at the table.' Where I don't see an issue with it. Another is dinner. My son didn't like what I made and my husband said he needed to eat it or he'd have it for lunch and so forth until he ate it all. I think it's wrong. When I talked with him about the dinner thing he said no, you made good food and he should eat it. I say he should just go to bed without finishing his dinner and we start over tomorrow with new food. How do I communicate to him that we need to talk and find a happy medium somewhere? He has only been fully in my son's life for a little over a year and a half.. Please help!?

Lost in Translation!

Carolyn Hax: Yikes. Please sign up for a parenting class that you can both attend. By shifting the point of authority to a third party, you create an opportunity for your husband to learn without the feeling of being scolded; it sounds as if his ego is heavily invested in his being right about things, so that would indicate he's going to stick to a bad method just to prove to you that his methods aren't bad.

I'm not going to type fairy dust at you--the quickness to spank and the punitive nature of the other two examples you gave suggest your husband has abuser potential at worst, and at best the ability to make your boy miserable for no purpose other than to prove the he's boss and your son is powerless. That's a best case that can lead your son to puzzle, years after he's left home, about why his mother didn't stick up for him and protect him when he was at his most vulnerable.

So stick up for him, and protect him when he is at his most vulnerable, and get your husband some training at this gig. If he's not receptive, then you have a tough decision to make about what kind of home is healthiest for you and your son.

BTW--about the dancing incident. Since you were leading, your husband's correction of your son sent a confusing and inconsistent message: I did what Mommy said was okay, and then Daddy punished me. It's the kind of setup that teaches a kid to walk on eggshells, when the message you want to teach is trust. You want him to trust his own ability to judge when something is okay to do and when it isn't. The dance incident tells him it's arbitrary and he can get smacked (figuratively) when all the signals say he's okay. That's an early step toward an insecure, self-doubting kid.

Just hoping to spell out how serious this is.

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No, I Didn't Miss Something: Perfectly okay. Realized a while after I sent my question that I did read that chat. I'd've remembered faster if today's poster had IDed herself as "exceedingly time-sensitive dinner-prep-avoider's wife." The biking thing seemed a pointless detail although as she revealed today it was actually key. Sorry, egg on my face!

washingtonpost.com: You should see the IDs I use behind the scenes to help Carolyn keep track of the various threads as responses come in...

Carolyn Hax: Witty, handsome superficial-romance skeptic; life-affirming bundle of hotness; person who's way too tough on self and also rescues puppies. In case you wanted a representative sample.

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Toronto, Canada: I hope you're still around to answer this question. How do I respond to a mother-in-law who sent me curdled cheese as a present along with a perfume that I had gifted the family one year ago? Granted, she's overseas and all I could do is say "thank you".

Carolyn Hax: I'm so glad I'm still around to answer this question. Not that I have an answer, just that I really needed to hear from someone who got a gift of curdled cheese. Thank you.

Yes, do send a thank-you note. I guess you say, "You were kind to think of me, and the perfume is exactly what I would pick out."

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Fairfax, Va.: "Life-affirming bundle of hotness"?

But I didn't even send in a question this week!

Carolyn Hax: The past ones have just been so special, they were seared into my consciousness.

Speaking of seared consciousness, time to boogie. Bye everyone, thank you, have a great weekend and, to anyone visiting DC, welcome (and, please read Monica Hesse's instructional piece in Style on standing to the right on Metro).

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Vienna, VA: Only three dozen pairs of shoes?

Amateur.

Carolyn Hax: Word.

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For Lost In Translation: I don't want to be an alarmist, but a red flag came up for me when she said that her husband is much more likely to spank than she is. I work for an non-profit that deals with child abuse, and the most common abuser of a child is a male in the household who is not the child's biological father.

Carolyn Hax: Better to be over-alarmed than under-. As I said, I think there's emotional damage already happening, and so it's already a problem that the mother has to face immediately and forcefully. If your flag sharpens her focus and resolve, that;s the important thing.

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For prejudice girl: I'm going to be as polite about this as I can because I'd really like to know the answer. Why do you say you're opposed to the "gay rights" movement?

I am gay and at a loss to understand how my having the same rights as you negatively affects you. As a woman, don't you enjoy having the same rights as men?

Carolyn Hax: I'm going to post another good response to this, since (I hope) the anti-gay-rights person is still reading.

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Teh Gays: Dear Prejudice Girl,

While you are free to express your intolerance of "gay rights" please keep in mind that we do in fact pay taxes to send your future children to school, pave roads, ensure that fire and police protection continue and contribute to society as a whole.

Essentially, we're not going to go away and while you may not like our behavior, what we do, or anything else about the gays, you should at least come to an understanding that we, like you, exist.

A lot of us stuggled for many years to "pray away the gay," to pass, to blend in and to mix, often at a stress to our mental health that you can never understand.

Wanting "rights" such as not being fired for who we are, or the chance to make money for college by serving in the military, or to inherit property without paying a billion more in taxes is something you probably don't think about because for you, they are inherent rights. For those of us that are gay and lesbian, they are in fact goals and desires.

You can feel free to practice your opposition to our desire to be treated equally, but we will not be leaving. So please get used to it

Carolyn Hax: Thanks. Now I'm really going.

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