Carolyn Hax Live: Do the Kids Always Have to Come First? plus Comebacks for Frenemies, Loss of Libido and When Wooing Feels a Little Creepy

In her daily column in The Washington Post Style section, Carolyn Hax offers readers advice based on the experiences of someone who's been there. Hax is an ex-repatriated New Englander with a liberal arts degree and a lot of opinions and that's about it, really, when you get right down to it. Oh, and the shoes. A lot of shoes.

Carolyn was online Friday, January 23 taking your questions and comments about her current advice column and any other questions you might have about the strange train we call life. Her answers may appear online or in an upcoming column.

A transcript follows.

E-mail Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com.

Got more to say? Check out Carolyn's discussion group, Hax-Philes. Comments submitted to the chat may be used in the discussion group.

Carolyn's Recent Columns

Carolyn Hax Live Archives

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washingtonpost.com: Today's chat will start at 12:30 p.m. ET.

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London, UK: Carolyn, has your column schedule changed? It used to be that we'd get a fresh column on Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays (not that I hang on your every column or anything), and rehashes from the chats on the other days -- which I'd not bother to read, as I'd already read the chats. But this week the pattern has been different, so I'm wondering if it's a schedule change or just an inauguration-related anomaly? Thanks!

Carolyn Hax: Inauguration-related anomaly. I never like to annoy the regulars, but with the size of the press runs last weekend, it made too much sense to switch the order.

Speaking of switches, thanks for your patience with today's later start. It too is just for this week.

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Frenemies: Ha! I could've written the letter from the woman with the frenemy. The person I know loves tot point out other "flaws" to them. I have handled it by being delighted that she noticed.

her: You're getting a lot of gray hair. me: I know! Sparkly!

her: You've put on some weight. me: I know! Voluptuous!

She doesn't point out stuff to me much anymore. In her world of zero-sum happiness, I was taking way too much.

Carolyn Hax: Brilliant. Thank you.

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Tuesday: Hi Carolyn, I'm Tuesday's letter writer and I feel terribly demonized by your answer to my question. First you say it's fine if my boyfriend doesn't want to be a full-time stepdad, and then, in the very same paragraph, you say it's appalling that I would think about accommodating his needs in that respect. That sounds really contradictory to me and I wonder if maybe I didn't make my position clear. I love my daughters and I would never choose a boyfriend over them, but we're not just talking about some guy I'm dating, we're talking about the man I want to marry and possibly have more children with. Also, it's not like I would be ditching my kids totally, I would probably still have them 3-4 days a week and whenever their dad goes out of town. If you don't mind revisiting my question, please adjust your answer to reflect that I'm not an awful mom who hates her kids and prioritizes random guys ahead of them.

washingtonpost.com: Carolyn Hax (Jan. 20, 2009)

Carolyn Hax: Thanks for writing back. There is no contradiction, actually. I will try to clarify, but I'm afraid it's just going to come out the same way as it did on Tuesday.

No one ever has to have or want kids. He's entitled to his preference.

However, his willingness to impose his preference on you, a mom, tells me he's a guy who looks out for himself first, and everyone else can stick it. Plenty of people who don't want kids will simply wait till the kids are grown, or gracefully exit the relationship with the understanding that their preferences take a back seat to the needs of young children.

Not something I thought I'd have to spell out.

Anyway. So. You marry this guy, and you acquire a stepdad for your daughters who 1. doesn't want kids; 2. prioritizes his own feelings over yours and theirs; 3. thinks that's a perfectly acceptable set of priorities to impose on a young family; 4. doesn't have sufficient foresight or interest to deduce that if something happens to their father, he's going to get these girls full time. And then what? Will he pretend to be happy about this turn of events? Openly show his resentment at the way they cramp his preferred style?

You have kids. You made that decision a long time ago. I doubt the paperwork had an escape clause that said it was okay to shove them aside when your romantic interests were best served by doing so.

You are prioritizing a man over your kids. I can rephrase my answer all day, but that's the foundation. That, and you're prioritizing a very self-centered man over your kids.

The fact that he apparently does want to be a father, just not to kids he didn't sire, only makes him appear worse in Round 2.

Please set aside any resentment you feel toward me and rethink your position, not just on what he's asking, but on what kind of person asks this of a mother.

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Frenemy: Is the technical term for ridding oneself of a frenemy a "frenema"?

Carolyn Hax: I am both amused and skeeved. Nicely done.

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Prejudice parent: This is a different twist to the "Prejudice girl" question I read in the latest transcript. I met a new guy in church. I was somewhat interested, until he brought his mother, who was visiting temporarily. Within 10 minutes she said "I live in South Africa, and it's horrible, all blacks there are robbers and rapists, I am trying to get out". Honestly! I told her that it wasn't a Christian view on things, and then rapidly moved away. After this encounter, I have been reluctant to have anything to do with this guy, either. I am worried about judging him unfairly, though -- my father was abusive and prejudiced, and I would hate to have someone judge me based on that. How do I figure out if this guy is OK to deal with -- asking "do you share your mother's views" seems too much.

Carolyn Hax: Seems fine to me. As it stands, you're avoiding him for views his mother expressed, which is a microcosm of prejudice.

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Washington, D.C.: Hi Carolyn, How can you tell the difference between cold feet and real reservations about something?

Carolyn Hax: "Cold feet" -are- real reservations. Treat them as such by figuring out exactly what's bothering you, even if you have to revisit every step of your decision-making process.

If there's nothing about it that seems legitimately wrong, then ask yourself if there's something wrong that you don't feel is important enough to be a problem. If there is, then ask yourself if this non-problem now will become a problem over time.

And if you don't turn up anything that you'd consider a problem at all, then ask yourself if the vague bad feelings are a sign of something, or just nerves. This is where past experience helps. You know whether it's normal for you to have nerves, or an anomaly that should be obeyed. You probably even have some kind of precedent--either a bad outcome from ignoring these nerves, or a bad outcome from letting them hold you back, or a good outcome from having the courage to push past your nerves, or a good outcome from trusting the nerves and not going forward.

Put all of this together and apply it to the way you feel now. It can only take you so far--every decision has at least a small leap-of-faith component--but careful, fact-based thinking can help you reduce the leap and feel more confident of your decisions.

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North Carolina: I'm getting married, and a future in-law wants baby pictures of me for a slide show. There are none, and I'd really rather not go into the reasons. How can I let her know that she won't be getting baby pictures without inviting follow-up questions or follow-up attempts to get the pictures and without making her feel bad for what I'm sure was an innocent request?

Carolyn Hax: "I'm sorry, my baby pictures were lost [choose from column A]."

Column A

in a move

accidentally

to the ages

Pick whichever comes closest to the truth. If you're asked a follow-up, default to, "It's a long story," which is polite-speak for, "I don't want to get into it."

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New York, New York : Hi Carolyn,

I had to tell a good friend her boyfriend was cheating on her. I didn't want to do it, and here's why: As soon as I told her, she got really angry at me and started saying horrible things about how I was jealous and spiteful and a gossip. She stayed with the boyfriend and has seriously alienated me.

I am pretty sure her relationship won't outlast our friendship, so I don't want to turn my back on her because of this. However, she has really hurt my feelings with some of her personal attacks, some of which hit really close to home. What's the best way to preserve this friendship? Do I need to step away for a while?

Carolyn Hax: Please do step away, because her lashing out at you is a hallmark of serious immaturity.

Let's say she stumbles across on her own the same truth you told her. In that case, she may well come crawling back to you with apologies for not believing her. If and when that happens, I hope you will have thought carefully about whether her friendship is worth the abuse she dishes out whenever life doesn't match up perfectly with her expectations.

An exception would be if realizing her mistake humbled her, and forced her to look inward. If that's true, you'll hear it in her apology. But if you don't see a sign of that kind of introspection, then don't expect her to be growing up any time soon.

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Re: Tuesday: Obviously "Tuesday" is writing in for you to say "Yes, you're doing the right thing" and will blind herself to anything contrary (in this case on the grounds that you didn't understand her the first time). But, as someone whose mother chose her husband's wants and whims over her own daughters, let me spell out the issues here even more clearly:

"Tuesday," you believe that by continuing to keep your girls a few times a week you are still showing them love and doing your motherly duty. Your daughters will see this differently, however, in the form of: "Mom loves this guy so much more than us that she wants to spend less time with us. If it wasn't for him, we'd still have the same custody arrangement."

"Tuesday," after 3 years with this man I'm sure your daughters already know that he doesn't want to be their dad and sees them as a draw on his relationship with you. Please do your daughters a favor and distance yourself from any romantic partner who wants you (and maybe his own offspring) rather than the whole package. I still feel crushed that my mother caved into my father's every desire at the expense of her own children.

Carolyn Hax: I got a heart-wrecking number of these accounts in my inbox this week, many in great detail about how a parent set them aside to please a new mate.

Thanks for sending me one I could post for "Tuesday."

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Really Embarrassing Question.: I am not sure who else to ask..so why not ask an internet chat discussion group.

I am 24, healthy, active and in a stable and loving relationship. However, I have been completely and totally uninterested in sex for about a month or two now. Boyfriend is very upset about this and wonders about what this means for our future (am I not attracted to him, etc.). We tried the other night and I basically broke down in tears, wondering what's wrong with me. Nothing has really changed in our relationship, although he has been a little more cranky lately (law school started again) and I have been very stressed at work (horrific manager). Boyfriend and I have talked about it, but we haven't really come to any conclusions, other than we love each other and don't know what's going wrong.

What do I do? What do we do? Is this normal? FWIW, no history of abuse, etc. that might be culprit.

Carolyn Hax: Have you recently gone on the pill, or changed your prescription? Introduced any other medications? That's one easy way to explain it.

Less black-and-white is that stress does affect libido, as does a partner's crankiness.

Equally gray and twice as problematic is that having a partner who gets really upset about a change in libido can become another source of stress, thus worsening the problem.

What I would suggest now (assuming you said no to my opening question) is, I hope with his cooperation, just deciding to treat this as a blip and waiting patiently for it to run its course. No trying, or pressure, or talking about it--just quietly waiting it out, with the understanding that when the urge comes back to you, you'll let him know. That takes away the pressure and drama element, at least for a while.

It also gives you a chance (both of you, actually) to find ways to deal with your stress. If stress is in fact the culprit, then you'll both be helping the cause, and if it isn't the culprit, then you'll at least be learning to manage your stress better, which has no down side.

Finally--this is the part you don't include in the conversation, because it's just a thought process at this point--you need to ask yourself whether you're in denial about any change in your feelings for your boyfriend. You care about him, obviously, and it's not like the idea of a big breakup is going to be appealing, so it's quite natural that, in response to his being "very upset," your first response would be to come up for a bunch of reasons that isn't true (such as, "He's cranky," "My boss is a jerk," etc.). Please make sure you're letting yourself consider all possibilities, not just the palatable ones.

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More on "Tuesday": The person who wrote in to warn of the damage "Tuesday" might do to her daughters said, "I still feel crushed that my mother caved into my father's every desire at the expense of her own children." It sounds like this writer wasn't even talking about a step-parent. Without specifics, it's hard to comment, but shouldn't a mate's feelings, desires, preferences, etc. SOMETIMES take precedence over those of the children? Is this discussion getting a bit one-sided?

Carolyn Hax: It seems pretty clear to me what we're talking about: the kids who get pushed aside when they get in the way of a parental indulgence. That can always be twisted by someone who wants to twist it--a child, say, who doesn't want to change schools, but has to because of a parent's job change, can easily yelp that the parents don't care, blah blah.

And there are also lines that aren't clearly drawn. For example, parents don't have to be chained to one place just because their kids like their school--certainly an adult is allowed to make a good career move every once in a while--but at the same time, a parent who always prioritizes career over kids, to the point where the kids never put roots down anywhere, can rightly be seen as selfish. These are and always will be judgment calls.

But these also aren't the kind of things we're talking about here. This is, I think quite narrowly, about parents who have an emotional need to please a mate above all else, and who include their kids in the pile of things they're willing to use in their wheeling and dealing for that attention.

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Columbus, Ohio: Regarding Frenemies:

Her: That not a very attractive outfit.

Me: Uh, that's kind of harsh. I wouldn't expect someone as nice as you to make a comment like that.

I've used this before with success, and (sigh) my closest frenemy is my MOM.

Carolyn Hax: Sigh. Good adaptation, though.

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Phoenix: My mom's husband just died. They got married a year ago and live 2,000 miles away; I met him twice. This is an extremely big week at work for me, and flying out to the funeral for this man I barely knew would make things very difficult. In your opinion, am I obligated to go the funeral?

Carolyn Hax: At a funeral, the body doesn't need you there, the survivor does.

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dogs are to kids as: How fair is it to measure how well your spouse will be as a parents by their dog parenting? Spouse is a dog person and I imagine some different parenting kicks would come with it being a human kid rather than a 4-legged kid.

Carolyn Hax: Actually, I think the way one is with a dog is very telling about the way one would be with a kid.

Does Spouse work with you to be consistent, or do his/her own thing despite the fact that it might make things harder on you or the dog?

Does Spouse do the extra work to get things right, or take shortcuts?

Does Spouse welcome responsibilities, or find ways to dump them on you?

Does Spouse adapt his/her own practices and beliefs in response to new information, or does s/he hold to preconceived notions?

Does Spouse expect a dog to act like a dog--and make an effort to know exactly what that means--or does s/he expect the dog to have adult human capabilities, and then get frustrated when the dog doesn't perform to standard?

Or, similarly, does Spouse ascribe all bad dog behavior to the dog's dogness, without finding out whether s/he could do something differently to make the dog happier and more pleasant to have around?

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re: Really Embarrassing Question: A sudden drop in libido can also be a sign of a physical issue (e.g., hormonal imbalance, etc). She might also want to consider a trip to the doctor just to be on the safe side.

Carolyn Hax: Thanks, right--thyroid comes to mind.

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libido question: In your opinion, when one partner loses his/her libido, what options are available to the other partner?

Carolyn Hax: Depends. If the libido-less partner wants to remedy the problem, then the other partner, I hope, will be patient and supportive of the effort to get the libido back.

If the one who loses the libido is fine with that and has no interest in trying to get it back, then the other partner has to decide: Can I manage without sex? Do I want to? And then, am I ready to give up what I have in exchange for sex?

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certainly an adult is allowed to make a good career move every once in a while--but at the same time, a parent who always prioritizes career over kids, to the point where the kids never put roots down anywhere, can rightly be seen as selfish.: Really? My dad was in the army. We moved every two to three years. This can be attributed to selfishness on his part?

Carolyn Hax: I actually thought about that when I wrote it. The military is an interesting case, because it's not as if the parent is -choosing- to move all the time; the one choice (to be in the military) touches off the moves. I suppose I could argue that it's a new choice every time the military parent re-ups, but that brings up the other element to the military child-rearing issue.

My dad left the Marines before I was born, so his moves (and absences) were finished when my sisters were babies/toddlers. However, I realize that he made a calculation, and it's something I've seen over the years through this column, and it's something you no doubt have seen firsthand: Some spouses and kids put down roots in the military lifestyle, and have no quarrel with their parent's/spouse's decision to move them frequently. Some don't get rooted that way, for whatever reason. So a parent can be a good, responsive, child-attuned parent and make either choice: to stay in the military or to leave. My mom would have been a trouper, had she been asked to be one, but she wasn't cut out for raising us under those conditions. Had my dad chosen to stay in the service, it would have been a selfish decision on his part. But had her makeup and temperament (and eventually ours) been right for it, his staying in the service would have been a good family decision, on top of a selfless act for country, which I haven't even gotten into.

So, short answer to your question, it depends.

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Re: Tuesday's Writer: My questions regarding Tuesday's writer is a bit different than the one being asked by most people here:

If Tuesday's ex is a "great dad" and her daughters "love" spending time with him, why aren't these children on a 50-50 parenting time schedule in the first place?

I think this is a massively important question given the number of studies showing that children of divorced parents do best when both parents play an equal role in their lives. Did this woman fight for full custody even though she knew her ex was a good father? Was it solely practical considerations? Did the ex not want more time during the divorce, but does now?

I'm throwing this out there as a hypothesis only because the current boyfriend seems to be advocating a 50-50 parenting time schedule rather than her giving up the kids completely, but maybe he knows something about their divorce process we don't and this is his admittedly less than mature way of seeing how willing this future wife is to co-parent THEIR children in case their relationship fails as well.

Carolyn Hax: Wow. I hope it's not the latter, because then I'd have to go fetal.

You ask excellent questions, which I wish we could factor in. But I didn't get into the Dad issue because there was too little info. Just being a few miles too far apart can kill 50-50 custody, and who knows where each parent has settled and why. In the end, it's about the message the girls get: Mom wants you There so this man can be Here.

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Fairfax, Va.: Why are those the only options? Doesn't the partner who has lost the libido also have another option -- do it anyway, even though you have no libido, because you know it is something that the other person needs? To me, if the libido-less person has tried everything or even not tried everything, and still has no libido, and the libido'ed partner has been supportive, doesn't the libido-less partner have the option of doing what s/he doesn't want to do in order to accommodate the person that s/he loves (presuming there is love there)?

Carolyn Hax: Sure, but doesn't that go in the Trying to Fix It file? (As opposed to the Fine With It So Stop Pestering Me file.)

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Dogs and kids: Your answer about how someone is with dogs indicating how they might be with kids should only really apply to people who like dogs. I do not like dogs, don't know how to act around them, and want nothing to do with them. But I love babies/kids and think I'll be a great parent. okay, that's all -- just had to stand up for the non-dog people since we seem to not get a lot of love on this chat.

washingtonpost.com: I'm not a dog (or even a pet) person either. -- Elizabeth

Carolyn Hax: Fair nuff. But if you, as a non-dog person, got stuck with a dog for whatever reason, I think a new question would apply: Do you rally knowing this is a living creature whose needs don't change based on your interest in them, or do you let your lack of interest dictate how you care for the dog?

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Sexless Spouse: I gave up sex--or more specifically, hoping for sex--to stay with a wife whom I loved. A few years later, when she dumped me, I came to realize that the sex was far from the biggest thing missing from our marriage.

Remarried for ten years to a wonderful woman who shares my love of physical intimacy, I can see where the boyfriend is coming from too. Sex does matter, standalone or as a characteristic of the relationship.

Carolyn Hax: All great stuff, thank you. The first part in particular is why it's so important to dig through all the outcomes and not just the palatable ones. It never ceases to amaze me how many ways we find to think around the stuff we regard as unthinkable.

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Anonymous: My father has advanced Alzheimer's. He and my mom still live in their house where she takes care of him. However, it's becoming extremely difficult for her and is threatening her physical health. My problem is I am depressed beyond belief at the idea of putting him in a nursing home. He has anger issues caused by the disease, and I know he will be very angry and hurt at being "put away." I just can't cope with the thought of him in a home rocking and crying all day. I don't know how to deal with this at all. Oh, and by the way, I live 500 miles away. I won't be able to visit him very often. My guilt is unbearable.

Carolyn Hax: Please please please seek some Alzheimer's-specific support. Your dad's doctor can recommend the best nonprofits to connect you (both in your and your mom's hometowns) to respite care, support groups, information on nursing homes, everything you've touched on. This is not something you have to tough out on your own. Please, for your mom's sake if no one else's, face your fears and find the strength to start making these difficult decisions.

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Career Single: Hi Carolyn --

Thanks for the chats and I hope you'll answer my question.

I've been single for a staggeringly large amount of my adult life. I've had few involvements. They were casual, and though I wanted more the guys never seemed fully comfortable with themselves, or with committing fully, so it had to end.

I recently met a guy. We've had three very nice dates over the course of a week and a half. He's very nice. Smart, personable. I feel as though I hardly know him on a level (I hate dates), because I feel like he's tiptoeing.

He's cute, though I can't say I'm attracted (I don't know him yet...), he's a gentleman. He's definitely interested in me. He's sending notes -- "can't wait to see you" or "I'm really enjoying getting to know you..."

It's freaking me out a little even though objectively it's a nice gesture. I'm just not used to this attention/spotlight approach.

I don't want to be fawned over, and I'd like to know HIM. I scare easy and I told him as much, and this is making me nervous. I feel like I have to figure this out right away so I don't hurt anyone. I have not a clue how I feel beyond the fact that he seems to like me entirely too much for having just met me.

My friends say this is how it's supposed to go. That this is GOOD. Making plans, following up, compliments, etc. I just want to know what he's about not how he impresses me. I've always dated friends in an accidental way and it's always gone wrong. However, this "wooing" stuff just makes me feel like he's interviewing for a job position, not getting to know me. I also feel like I don't want him to try to kiss me yet.

Have I just been in the crapper so long I don't know what good is? I feel like I should trust my gut but my gut has steered me wrong before. I have a history of cutting and running and going back to my comfort zone -- i.e. single lady.

I don't know if I'm not interested, if it's fear, if I haven't made up my mind, or if I'm so used to being treated casually that 'real' is new to me.

I hope this makes sense. I feel like at my age (31) I should have this down by now.

Carolyn Hax: Disclaimer, it sounds as if I think more along your lines than your friends', that wooing is weird and forced.

What you might want to look for are signs that he's paying attention to -you-, and not just to the wooing process. On your three very nice dates, did you get good opportunities to talk, as well as listen? Do you get the sense that he heard you? That he was being honest with you when it was his turn to speak? Does his response to you after these dates seem in proportion to what you had to offer?

Contrary to what you say, you don't have to decide anything right away. You worry about hurting people when you let things drag on after you've made up your mind, of course, but if you're legitimately still trying to make up your mind, there's no reason to rush. You have your answer when your answer is ready, and that's the best you can do.

I think as part of that process of getting an answer, it is great that you made yourself clear: The attention makes you uncomfortable. (At least, I hope you were clear when you said it; if it was a hint, then say it again more explicitly.) The way he responds to your honesty will tell you a lot, I think, whether he adjusts his approach and how. It's also okay to ask him questions, to make plans that aren't as date-y, to make an active attempt to get to know him better. If your unease lingers, it's okay, too, to stop seeing him just on those grounds. You can only go on what you know and what you feel, and if it doesn't feel right, then you have to trust there's a reason for that.

About your not trusting your gut. You say you have a history of cutting and running, but you also say your "few involvements" were casual and ended with your wanting more. Not sure how those fit together, but, for what it's worth, you might not want to make too much of their having to end. Most relationships end somehow. The most useful thing you can do is let the current relationship speak for itself. Save your history for when you have a question or suspicion or deja vu moment or icky feeling that would benefit from context.

One more thing.

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Pittsburgh, Pa.: I told a married man that I loved him. I am married as well. It was a totally impulsive and stupid thing to do, obviously. He rejected me, which in the end I am happy about, but I don't know where to start dealing with the ramifications of what I've done to my own relationship with my husband. My husband doesn't know anything about this. I've been having doubts about whether I want to stay married to him for a while now, even though I can't put my finger on the reason why I don't love him the way I should. Where should I start?

Carolyn Hax: Counseling. Such a pat answer, I'm sorry, but it sounds as if you could really use a safe place to say all this stuff out loud, along with a trained listener who can help you step back and find the moral of the story you're telling.

Once you figure that out, then that will help you figure out how to approach your relationship with your husband--starting with whether you want to give it a chance or end it, and then onto the details of how you'd accomplish either of these.

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Charlottesville, Va.: For the single lady: Trust your gut. If you aren't sure, read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. Rushing to intimacy is a big, waving red flag of someone who does not respect boundaries.

Tell your friends to go pee up a rope.

And there is absolutely nothing wrong with being 31 and enjoying being single. Being happily married is great, but you'd better believe that there are a lot of unhappily married people who would envy your happy single lifestyle. I LOVED being single, right up until I met the guy that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. We were both 40 when we got married.

Carolyn Hax: Ta da. Thanks.

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Three Dates in Ten Days: Sounds like a bit of a push to me. Coupled with all the notes.

You may be getting ready to say it, Carolyn, but -- Gift of Fear.

Carolyn Hax: Ha. Why type it, when you guys do it for me?

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Deployed: Hello -- The way you answered that question about military families was interesting. As the daughter of a Marine who is now in the Air Force, I can attest you're absolutely right that people can and do "put down roots" in the military lifestyle/culture, rather than in one location. There is fantastic friendliness and supportiveness amongst families who are used to moving every few years.

So, circumstances would have to be extreme for me to ever call a career servicemember "selfish," for remaining in the military and moving/deploying under orders, even if one move or deployment is pretty unpalatable to their family. It is simply part of the lifestyle.

The decision to join and/or stay a part of this culture should be a joint one between spouses, and should not be foisted upon a spouse/family who cannot thrive in it, nor held against the servicemember when he or she is on occasion given a difficult assignment.

Carolyn Hax: Exactly. The military brats who have adapted/put down community roots far outnumber the ones who've written to me to say they suffered from the experience, but one of the latter put it in such a vivid way that I've never forgotten it: She (I think it was a she--this must have been close to a decade ago, though) said she felt like a cake that kept being taken out of the oven and put back in, instead of being left alone to bake. In a case like that, I hope the parent(s) would see the problem developing and apply it to decisions affecting the family.

If there's one thing that's absolutely true about families, it's that the temperaments of the parents and kids have the final say in whether an arrangement or child-rearing philosophy works. Nothing gets me going faster than the suggestion that one family's successful formula would be successful for everyone else's family.

But I won't bore you with my personal problems.

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Wooing is yucky?: Wow... Carolyn... When was the last time you were on the dating market? You sound like such a fuddy-duddy!

Carolyn Hax: Ha. That's funny. And exactly right. The older I got, the more suspicious of it I became, until I got to the point where it even annoys me in movies. So there. Even though I'm not "on the dating market," in other interactions I've pretty much gotten to the point of, be real or get out of my face.

Obviously I'm a huge hit on the party circuit.

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Gift of Fear? Are you kidding me?: So the guy might be a bit socially awkward. But two immediate responses recommending the Gift of Fear Book? It seems a bit "clutching the pearls". Not everyone is a stalker or rapist and people in this chat seem very quick to go that route with very little information.

Carolyn Hax: I will respect this post only if you have read the book. If not, read it and get back to me.

Do love the "clutching the pearls" image, though.

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Skepticalville: Since when does simply paying a compliment make a guy potentially abusive? And the poster hasn't said whether or not he stopped the notes or not. I think you and the other posters are making a real stretch.

I've read _Gift of Fear_, and I think it has some valuable lessons, but I hate the way that simple affection and admiration in the early stages of a relationship have been so demonized in our society.

Carolyn Hax: Much better. Okay. But how am I making a stretch? I suggested ways she could examine her feelings, and things she can do on future dates to figure out where her doubts are coming from. Not exactly arming her with pepper spray.

I see your objection, because I feel for guys who are just comfortable expressing affection. But I would actually argue that affection and admiration too often get a free ride. Just look what the friends advised: "You should be happy!" or whatever the exact words were. When the truth is, she was telling her friends, "I feel uncomfortable."

No one should ever be advised to shake off discomfort. It's our alarm system, and discomfort IS an alarm, no matter how genuinely sweet the trigger might have been. The way to identify a false alarm is to investigate the cause and dismiss it as nothing; you don't dismiss it as nothing before you even look.

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married for six months: Hi Carolyn,

I've been married for six months and it feels like my husband wants me to be his mom in a lot of ways. He was always a little scatterbrained but it's gotten worse. He misplaces his keys, glasses, phone, and wallet almost daily and then frantically needs my help to find them. He'll call me at work and ask me how to cook a steak or where he left his acid reflux pills. When I've asked him to try and handle more of this stuff on his own he'll joke that this is what a wife is for. We lived together before getting married and he helped out around the house then, but that too had fallen off considerably. I've told him I need him to pitch in more and it hasn't really happened, or when he does pitch it in it's sporadic. I'm thinking I should go on strike and just not do any dishes or any laundry that's his until he gets the point. Any other suggestions? I'm feeling a lot of resentment towards him now. I'm already the primary bread-winner in our marriage and work more hours away from home than he does .

Carolyn Hax: Yaaaaaaaagh. You married him, why?

I'm sorry. You don't need that.

But you do need to get rid of the "try to handle," and the "helped out around the house," and the "pitch in more" from your language in discussing this, unless you genuinely believe it's your job to run the household. Both of you seem to have been lulled into the old notion of "proper" divisions of labor.

So while it may seem that the problem is his piling work onto you, the real problem is your both being lulled. You didn't make the informed decision to run your lives this way, you backed into it with delusions and wishful thinking. And before you yell at me for being harsh, this tirade isn't directed at you alone--it's a mistake people are making every day, every day, every day, still. Even knowing it's a problem.

So you start by knowing the problem for what it is. He went into this expecting you to prop him up, and you expected to prop him up, and the only thing that has pushed you to rebel is the wear and tear of doing it over time, and the realization that it has gotten worse.

So if what you really want is a partnership of equals, you need to spell that out--starting with the fact that his "joke" wasn't a joke, but a truth that you've both consented to. Then you let him know you're withdrawing your consent, because it's not only unfair that you be the repository for all things menial, but also doing a number on you emotionally. Neither of you wants anger to swallow your marriage--which, believe me, it will.

Two ways to take it from here: 1. Come up with, together, a clear division of responsibilities. He does A, B and C, and you do X, Y and Z. Do your best to choose based on what each of you does best/likes most/hates least.

And, 2. Stop enabling him. Don't say, "Try to figure it out yourself," while giving him instructions for cooking a steak. Either say, "I don't know" to the pill location, or try [web site here] for the steak step-by-step. Then, "Bye."

If/when things even out, you won't need the latter--in fact, it will feel (and be) petty. But as long as you're his the Mistress of the Menial, it's necessary.

Good luck.

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I've pretty much gotten to the point of, be real or get out of my face.: This is largely contradictory to the advice you give people who write in saying their SOs aren't romantic anymore. What about the two writers whose husbands didn't acknowledge their respective anniversaries or birthdays? You advocated doing some "wooing" on the writer's part if that's what they wanted to do.

Carolyn Hax: 1. "Real" doesn't eliminate all romance, kindness or affection. Presumably these husbands and wives will be exchanging genuine sentiments.

2. My dislike of interpersonal choreography doesn't mean I expect everybody to dislike and/or renounce it. If it's what somebody wants, then I hope they find it. I try to make being true to oneself the foundation of every answer I write. If I'm expecting you all to be true to myself, that would be pretty obnoxious.

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Charlottesville again: I have read The Gift of Fear and I spent several years working as a domestic relations attorney, so I got to see a lot of really nasty things that people did to each other in the name of "love."

What I was responding to was that the original poster said that this guy's behavior made her uncomfortable. Instead of respecting that discomfort and figuring it out, she was trying to talk herself into ignoring it. That is dangerous, and that is not an exaggeration. Her friends who are telling her that she should be enjoying it are naive and are not helping. The proper response to "This makes me uncomfortable" is not "Ignore your discomfort because I think you should be enjoying this," it is, "Why?" A GOOD friend would try to help her figure out what is making her uncomfortable. And a truly well-intentioned, respectful gentleman would back off of the notes and compliments the minute she expressed squeamishness.

A lot of damage is done in our culture by telling people, not just women, to ignore their instincts. Usually, our instincts serve us well, and we rarely thrive by ignoring them.

Carolyn Hax: Thanks, always helps to know the reasoning.

Must to go. Bye everyone, thanks and type to you here next Friday, I hope.

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