Carolyn Hax Live: My Ex Said It Wasn't Me, But Was It Really Me? plus Cutting Back on Mom's Clingy Calls, How to Hire a Babysitter and Moving Back Home for the Wrong Reasons

In her daily column in The Washington Post Style section, Carolyn Hax offers readers advice based on the experiences of someone who's been there. Hax is an ex-repatriated New Englander with a liberal arts degree and a lot of opinions and that's about it, really, when you get right down to it. Oh, and the shoes. A lot of shoes.

Carolyn was online Friday, January 30 taking your questions and comments about her current advice column and any other questions you might have about the strange train we call life. Her answers may appear online or in an upcoming column.

A transcript follows.

E-mail Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com.

Got more to say? Check out Carolyn's discussion group, Hax-Philes. Comments submitted to the chat may be used in the discussion group.

Carolyn's Recent Columns

Carolyn Hax Live Archives

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Carolyn Hax: Just to give you an idea of how serene and organized my life is, I just placed the re-order for the Zuzu T-shirts. (Remember--the one I said I was doing in December?) Anyone who has moved since ordering/donating will need to send me an updated address: haxpack@earthlink.net.

Also, all but a couple of purchasers should have gotten their shirts by Thanksgiving, and the ones who didn't should have heard from me by now. If you paid (vs. donated) for a shirt but don't have it yet, please e-mail me.

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Carolyn Hax: And, hello!

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Career Single: Follow-up: Hi Carolyn --

Thanks for all the advice last week! I ended up giving the guy another date and he had toned everything down and was more relaxed. He said he was very nervous, and I think that was the root of it. We talked a bit and he seems to 'get' where I'm coming from and is continuing to be a gentleman and also seems to realize I just want to know HIM not the performance.

I did a gut-check after reading what everyone said, and I figured out that his method of wooing definitely wasn't my style on the first few dates but I do like HIM. I've been involved with guys who basically could take or leave me, ignored me and didn't really listen to what I was saying. To have someone pay attention... listen, and be honest, candid and courteous was a big switch for me.

Dating has always made me nervous, the intimacy of the whole thing. I think that's part of why I ended up with guys who were emotionally unavailable, distant, or numb. I am realizing that this guy is up front about everything and genuinely seems to want to get to know ME and what I think at a very slow pace. He said he wanted this to go slow, take it easy, and for me to set the pace that made me comfortable and that my comfort level was number one in getting to know one another.

It's developing into a friendship with attraction, and now that everything is out in the open about me being nervous and him being shy I think that we're off to a great -- albeit endearingly awkward -- start.

So thanks for the concern everyone, and thanks for the different theories. I think it was a combination of nerves, it seems that I'm not the only 31 year old who gets super nervous on dates.

Carolyn Hax: good news--thanks for the update.

I also appreciate the chance to re(re-re-re-re-)iterate that suggesting "The Gift of Fear" does not mean I/we are tagging someone as a potential abuser or stalker. The point is to help people who doubt their own judgment. For example, it's an excellent guide for people who blame themselves for their discomfort over someone else's behavior. It's about learning to listen to yourself, and not suppressing your judgment for fear of appearing "mean."

This is in response to all the outtakes last week.

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Frisco : Dear Carolyn,

I had a big blowup with my dad a few years back and I haven't seen my parents since then. However, my mom writes and calls me constantly to beg me to repair the relationship and to remind me that she's there if I ever need anything. In the time since I met a beautiful woman and made her my wife. We are now expecting our second baby and are having terrible financial problems. I see no choice but to contact my parents and move in (under a reasonable rent arrangement, obviously). My wife is uncomfortable with this and says this is like taking advantage of my mom's obvious desperation to see me all this time. My parents have no idea I have a wife and a kid, but they'd be thrilled to meet their grandson. I'm drafting an email to my mom right now. What should I say, or should I write at all?

Carolyn Hax: I'm verging on speechless, so I'll just say I'm with your wife on this.

Question: If you weren't broke, would you contact your mom?

Okay, two questions: Why have you been punishing--nay, torturing--your mom for a fight you had with your dad?

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washingtonpost.com: Hi peanuts -- Washingtonpost.com is collecting engagement stories for next month's Wedding Week section. If you have a story that's particularly sweet, funny or maybe even horrible, click on the link and find out how to submit. thanks! -- Elizabeth

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Miss Understood: I'm in my late 20's and an only child. How do I get my mom from being so nosey or always calling if I'm not home in the evening? I'm sure there's an easy way.

Carolyn Hax: Let her know that you find the constant calling to be a violation of your privacy--as well as a vote of no confidence in your ability to live as an independent adult--and that you'll be happy to talk to her once or twice a week. Then say that if she continues to call several times a night without specific urgent business, then you're not going to return calls until the once- or twice-weekly check-in call. If it is urgent business, she can describe the emergency in a voice mail, and you'll return the call at your first opportunity.

You say you want an "easy way," but getting this overwhelmed by someone is usually the result of making too many concessions in favor of doing the right but difficult thing. Do the difficult thing, and set limits on Mama.

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Charm City, Md.: Hi Carolyn, I set an Outlook reminder for your chat today, because I always seem to miss it, but have an uber-important inquiry for you and the other chatters today.

I got dumped last night. Long story short, it was a big surprise as far as the overall relationship, but my instincts in the short term kind of told me it was coming. I got the standard "It's not you, it's me" line, and I'm just wondering what your thoughts are on how true that line really is.

If it WAS me, I'd like to know so I can at least learn something from this unfortunate situation. Right now, I just feel like it's unfair because I am losing this great guy because of bad timing and his unresolved ex-girlfriend/family issues.

How much can I push to try to keep us together and work through his issues together, and/or how can I find out if it was actually something I did and need to consider changing for future relationships?

Carolyn Hax: How much to push? Not at all. Best case, if you push and "get" him "back," you'll always know it took some arm-twisting to get him to like you. Bleah.

My thoughts on, "It's not you, it's me," have been documented quite a bit, so I'll summarize here. Let's say you ask him if you did anything wrong/off-putting/annoying, and he satisfies your curiosity by saying, "Yes, I didn't like that you did X, Y and Z." The problem there is, XYZ can be normal extensions of who you are, and not things that you can just "change." They can also be peeves of his that someone else--the right person for you--would appreciate about you. His is just one person's opinion.

So there's not much to be gained from the kind of detailed post-mortem that you seem to want here. Instead I would suggest asking yourself, "Did I do right by him, and right by myself?" If you don't think you did, then try to identify the areas where you think you could be/could have been a better person. But if you generally think you did your best, then let it go at his not being the guy.

The only time this kind of analysis won't be enough is when you start to accumulate breakups that have a lot of the same things in common. Then it's worth a harder look.

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Dear Miss Understood: Miss Understood, I went through what you are going through when I was your age, but now -- 20 years later -- I understand your mother. She is reading stories in the newspaper about young women being abducted and murdered, etc, and she just wants to know you are not in need of rescuing.

Can you work out a system where you call her from your cell phone every night at 8 or something like that to let her know you are not alone and that you are safe. It is not that she doesn't trust you -- SHE DOESN'T TRUST EVERY NUT OUT THERE WITH MENTAL "ISSUES".

Carolyn Hax: NO NO NO NO NO NO!

Do you realize that you are doing the early prep work to drive your own kids out of their minds? You're not just enabling hysteria, you're subscribing to it.

Yes, young women do get abducted and murdered. But the chances of that happening are infinitesimal. People who think this is a legitimate fear to have about their adult children need to turn off the 24-hour news channels, and take a moment to realize they are at a far greater risk of losing their children to alienation because of -their- mental issues.

You have a conversation once or twice a week. Period.

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Frisco again: First answer: I haven't contacted my mom in six years, so, no. To be blunt, I'm really just desperate at this point and she has repeatedly hammered in that I should call her if I need anything.

Second answer: I didn't mean to punish my mom, but she sided with my dad at the time of the fight. I guess you could say I haven't felt comfortable getting in touch with her without repairing ties with my dad first.

I know I'm in the wrong here. I guess what I'm asking is whether our financial desperation, and the well-being of our two children, overrides the right/wrong of it.

Carolyn Hax: What was the fight about?

It's anonymous, you can say.

And yes, you did very clearly mean to punish your mom, for not siding with you.

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It's not you it's me: I actually think it can be very helpful to know all the (potentially painful) reasons for a break up if what you want is to move on, not get the person back. I had an on-again, off-again relationship with someone I was completely smitten with. He finally admitted that he just wasn't attracted to my body type. While that hurt like hell, I knew I deserved someone who thought I was hot. A month later I met my (now) husband, and I think that the honest confession really helped me move on and not wallow wondering what I could have done differently.

Carolyn Hax: Well said. When you define your goal that narrowly--or, I should say, when you're emotionally able to define it that narrowly--then getting specifics can be really useful.

But it takes a strong person to be able to hear "Your body doesn't do it for me" without internalizing it. So if the original poster thinks she's able to hear that her ex doesn't like X, Y and Z about her without getting caught in a vortex of self-loathing, then it is worthwhile to seek answers.

Of course, it will also depend on an ex's willingness to be honest, for which Mr. Youdontdoitforme deserves credit. Many people would have been reluctant to expose themselves as being shallow, when in fact 1. he's entitled to his tastes and 2. you're entitled to the (gack) closure.

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It's not you, it's me: When I said this to someone (not the questioner as it was some time ago) what I meant was: Yes, it is you, from my point of view. But you're a decent person, so that probably says as much about me as it could about you. So in that sense, it's not you. Hope this helps you feel better and helps you find someone different who won't feel the same way about you that I do. Good bye.

Carolyn Hax: Reads like an issue-closer to me, thanks.

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Frisco: Not sure why it matters what the fight was about, but here goes: I had flunked out of college on my dad's dime. He tried to force me into a job just so I'd have something to do right away, but I wanted to work in the arts, so I started pursuing that, instead, while I still lived at home. Eventually he got angry and started demanding I pay him back for school and move out on my own. It came to blows at one point with my mom watching, and she didn't try to stop my dad. So I left to pursue my career as an artist, and you can see how well that worked out.

Carolyn Hax: It always matters. Thanks for spelling it out.

So your dad's controlling, and you see yourself as a victim of that.

Which raises two more questions:

1. Isn't it possible that your mom isn't his ally, but instead his victim as well? Who aligns with him out of a deeply entrenched habit/survival mechanism, albeit a misguided one?

2. Isn't it possible you've picked up some of your father's controlling behaviors, to include pursuing the arts while living off your dad, even knowing it was tantamount to making him underwrite something he found morally objectionable; and using the silent treatment on your parents even knowing you're inflicting agony on your mom? These are both extremely passive aggressive forms of control.

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Old Frenemy: I finally joined Facebook this week and in the last few days have gotten 2 friend requests and a nice "let's get in touch" message from my worst frenemy from 6-12th grades. This is a girl who would be nice to me when she wanted something, then would turn around and ridicule me for just about anything. She is probably my least favorite person from that time. I wanted to take the high road and just ignore her and hope she would get the hint, but apparently she hasn't. So with all this, do I have permission to respond and tell her why I don't want her to be my "Friend"?

Carolyn Hax: Are you the same person you were in 12th grade?

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Washington, D.C.: I was deathly ill last week and called my mom to help me out (I live alone and have no SO). Now I'm getting flack from my family about calling her... I'm an adult and can take care of myself, unless I'm throwing up -- which is when mom came over. Why should I have to defend myself against my family? I feel like they are castrating me for "being a baby" or something like that. What gives? They have no clue how sick I was (haven't been this sick since high school). I'm in my early 30's if that matters... (online only please)

Carolyn Hax: Ignore them. Tell them this was a practice run for your next hangnail (i.e., the bird in sheep's clothing). Tell them yes, they're right, you're a big fat baby.

No, it isn't an "easy" answer, either, but it does work.

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Frisco: Sure, those things are both possible (even though my mom is pretty independent and my dad has a fine relationship with both of my siblings). But I'm not sure that helps answer the question of whether writing my mom for help now makes me a jerk.

If you're able to answer this for me, I promise not to keep hogging your message board.

Carolyn Hax: These go to the very heart of the question whether writing your mom for help makes you a jerk.

If you are willing and able to look inward to find your own culpability in this mess, then after that process bears fruit--responsibility owned, amends made--you can contact your mom without being a jerk.

If you're just in it for the food and shelter and maintain that you're the righteous soul in all this, then you are being a righteous jerk.

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You have a conversation once or twice a week. Period. : Really, period? My mom calls every day, usually on her way to work to just check in. I don't always answer, but usually we just say hi and she goes on her way to work.

Two years ago my mom made her daily calls to me and my sister. My sister didn't answer because she hadn't received oxygen in 20 mins cause she had a seizure, which killed her. It is an infinitesimal chance, but it is a real chance. If it helps my mom feel a tiny bit better to not have that weighing on her for the rest of the night at work, I have no problem answering the phone! Sometimes she calls a few times if it's late, but she doesn't go overboard, she knows a lot of times I'm in a movie or napping. She just wants a check in, and I don't mind (like talking to her anyway!), so what's the problem with that?

I just don't see what the problem is with taking 30 seconds to give your MOM a bit of relief. She's got enough to work through, do I really need to add "not worrying so much about your one surviving kid" to that? No.

Carolyn Hax: First, I am sorry about your sister. Infinitesimal chances obviously doesn't mean that bad things never do happen.

And if your mom gets her small bit of comfort from a practice to which you don't object, then, amen. This is why any advice is just for the person who asks for it, and why applying it to another situation requires tailoring and tweaking in almost every case.

I said "once or twice a week. Period." in response to a query from someone who didn't appreciate providing the daily reassurance fix. And if you didn't appreciate it, either, I would stick up for you. As horrific as the seizure was, it's actually an example of why the daily call isn't a legitimate answer to anxiety. I almost brought it up when the horror in question was abduction: Unless there's a specific protocol for a specific reason,* bad things that happen are going to happen despite the daily check-in call. Meaning, it doesn't offer any benefits, and in return it amplifies anxiety.

I liken it to playing the same Powerball number for a bunch of weeks in a row. It won't increase your odds of winning in any meaningful way (1 in a squillion 15 times vs. just 1 in a squillion), but it will make you scared to death to stop playing it, for fear THAT WILL BE THE TIME IT HITS.

So I still don't believe in validating anxiety. A mutual gesture of love, fine, that's your call.

*There are cases where check-ins make sense, such as with known health risks. But that's a really limited set of circumstances.

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Constant mom calls...: Looking back on my relationship with my mom, I realized I often thought she called too much. But after she passed away, I realized that I called her almost as much! I never realized it, but if I was bored, or lonely, or just in the mood to chat, I called her. So, be careful of trying to have it both ways. If you don't want her always calling you, you can't call her whenever you feel like it and expect her to drop everything to chat, those would be mixed signals.

Carolyn Hax: Good point. It's also an opportunity to add that if you both like talking daily, then, great. I talked to my mom all the time.

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Needing Mom: As someone who in my 20s suffered alone in a foreign country with dysentery and is currently a Mom, all I gotta say is, sometimes a kid needs his/her Mom. Does she do your laundry? Do you call about every little decision? Does she rearrange your spice cabinet? No, right?

The people giving you crap are jealous. Sometimes you just need your Mom (and she needs you).

Carolyn Hax: This thread, the call-every-day thread and the Frisco thread are making this the Three Faces of Mom chat.

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Double Whammy? : Carolyn, Love your chats, I look forward to them every Friday. My SO and I recently found out I am preggers. We are planning on having a wedding at the Justice of the Peace in April. We are just having our parents go with us. Next year, in May once things have calmed down we plan on having a wedding with more of our friends and family to attend. Is this wrong to have two weddings? Do you think it is selfish? We are getting married now for legal reasons so our child is born to two parents in case something happens to me during Labor and Delivery. We just would still like the wedding of our dreams as well; where family and friends are with us to celebrate. Thanks.

Carolyn Hax: Thanks!

It's fine to celebrate with family and friends--any life-affirming excuse welcome, I say--but I hope that whole "wedding of our dreams" notion makes a graceful exit, at least by the time the baby arrives. You stopped having the ----- of your dreams when reality had something else it wanted to say. Nothing wrong with that, either. Just, for example, renew your vows and have a great party, or have a great anniversary party, or something that tips its hat to reality.

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Happy with my current job: I quit my job seven years ago to become a stay-at-home mom, and I like doing that. Even though money is tight, I'd rather be where I am than working a crazy job that would just be paying for day care, car maintenance, and gas (my husband and I had crunched the numbers before the kids were born and discovered that that's what my paycheck would be going for because of what I made at work). I'm glad to be there for our three kids, and I want to keep doing it for as long as possible.

The trouble is, my friends and my mom, all of whom work, are bugging me to "get off my butt and get a REAL job!" That just irritates me extremely, as they all seem to think my life consists of sitting on my butt watching TV all day. Sorry, but housework, raising kids, taking kids to community programs like library times, doing the yard work (I like gardening), and PTA events keep me busy! I barely have time to take a shower in the mornings, much less read the paper! Besides, as the guys get older, I'll want to be there when they get home from school, as middle and high-schoolers left unsupervised in the afternoons are more likely to get into trouble like underage drinking, teenage sex, drugs, etc.

Considering my mom stayed home to raise us, her being on the working-mom side is ironic. How do I tell her and my friends that even though I don't earn any money, my job is still an important one, perhaps the most important job in the world, and to stop belittling it?

Carolyn Hax: You don't. You're already giving too much weight to their criticisms by letting them get you so riled up. It also doesn't do any good, getting riled. All that tells you is that you have something you need to confront, address and put behind you.

For starters: Since it's always possible there's more to their message, do whatever digging seems appropriate. For example, do they sense your spouse is overtaxed and losing patience with you? Or, at the other extreme, do they dislike your spouse, and worry you're going to find yourself dumped without much support and trying to find work after many years out of the workforce? When people are squawking at you, it's always smart to consider that it may be a warning, before you dismiss it as nagging.

Next: If it is just nagging, consider that they're not trying to rile you up so much as they're getting riled up by you. If there's any smugness in your defense of being home--such as, suggesting working parents are resigning their kids to drinking, drugs and sex--then you're going to have people pushing back. It's easy to mistake that for their judging you.

Which brings me to the answer if they aren't worried about you and if you aren't judging them: Become a model of hey-it-works-for-us acceptance. Show them you're open to all manner of ways of approaching family, and this is just the one that makes sense for you guys. It's a great message, and a contageous one, in addition to being a great non-defensive defense to those who would have you do things their way. Shrug, smile, carry on.

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Wanna hear what MY mom did?: So, last night, my husband and I found out that he's sterile. This was the latest bad news on top of his ongoing health issues (cancer). I told my mom about it, and of course, she didn't take it well. (Long story short, she's... difficult.) She did have a rather helpful suggestion: She rued the fact that my father had a vasectomy so he couldn't donate sperm, but suggested maybe my brother. (The helpful part of it being that it gave me a good laugh later, after I stopped vomiting.)

Carolyn Hax: A strong contender for the could-be-worse, this-could-be-your-mom entry of all time. Your attitude is a thing of beauty.

Hope your husband's okay.

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Re-Wedding: I hope this doesn't sound snarky, but I hate re-weddings, especially after one year, and not just because I wasn't invited to the first.

Just have a kick a-- anniversary party... please

Carolyn Hax: Re-wedding-planners beware, this is not an uncommon sentiment. Thanks.

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It's not you, it's you: We don't always get the answers we want in a break up, but there is usually a reason for the answer we get. Just as it's rude to respond to someone who turns down an invitation with "why can't you come? what else are you doing?" sometimes "It's not you, it's me" is shorthand for "it's over, I don't want to discuss it or argue about it."

It stinks that it's over, but some people just won't take no for an answer. If I say it's because of X, Y, and Z, and you indicate you'll change, then I'm stuck if I still want out. X,Y and Z may be at the root, but sometimes we're done with a person even if they could change. When someone tells you they don't want you any more, be graceful and move on - you probably don't want them anymore, either, at that point.

Carolyn Hax: A good counter-argument, thanks.

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Bethesda, Md.: Carolyn -- Short but sweet today.

Is Football stupid?

Carolyn Hax: One could argue that.

But it's a slippery slope. If football is stupid, does that mean pop music is stupid, too, because a lot of people pay big money to see it in big arenas? Or are they different because one is "art"? Or is that kind of music stupid, like a sport, but classical or jazz isn't? Who decides -that-? Is it just because they're less accessible?

Is all music stupid because it's not life or death--it's about amusement? Or is it not about amusement when it shows in brain scans that music makes people form better brain connections and therefore makes them smarter?

And if "it makes people smarter" is the standard, then, as professions go, is teaching good but cooking stupid? Or is cooking okay to the extent that it satisfies a basic human need, but beyond that--at gourmet levels, say--it's stupid?

Isn't it possible to keep using this kind of reasoning to conclude that anything beyond breathing, sleeping, eating minimal nutrients and creating shelter is stupid? And wouldn't a bunch of people, faced with a life devoid of art, music, good food and amusing diversions, decide that continuing to breathe was stupid?

So, to answer your question, no, football isn't stupid.

But the fuss over it often is.

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Washington, D.C.: Is it still possible to buy a shirt?

Carolyn Hax: Yes! Anticipate summer solstice 2010 delivery.

Kidding. I might have a few extras. E-mail me, haxpack@earthlink.net, and I'll see after I fill the orders I have. Thanks for asking.

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Best breakup line ever: When he told me I had "too big a personality" for him. This from a person who says he wants a family but always finds something wrong with the women he dates, or a reason they're not good enough for him. That sentence made me immediately stop being sad and start thanking my lucky stars that we hadn't wasted any more time together. The way he said it just seemed to underscore contempt for me, and I realized: what a tool.

Yeah, I'm outgoing, have my opinions, and am on occasion loud. I ended up marrying someone who not only loves but I think actually likes who I am, and doesn't make me apologize for who I am, flaws and all.

Sometimes the exit line gives you precisely the answer you need.

Carolyn Hax: I love this, thanks.

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Frisco and friction between mom and dad: My grandmother was the salt of the earth. Really an amazing person. However, my grandfather was a grouchy old curmudgeon who'd been an alcoholic most of his life and had some serious, serious control problems. My father was also an alcoholic, and there was constant conflict between my grandfather and my father.

My father lost his house at a very bad point in his life. My grandmother, bless her soul, took him in and sheltered him from a lot of my grandfather's contempt and anger.

It was really a horrible situation for everyone concerned. Because my father was living out every mean prophecy my grandfather had meted out, he lived in shame every day and crept around his basement apartment like the merest shadow of a man. My grandfather was gruffer than ever and didn't know how to mend fences, or even to say, "Look, I know things are tough for you. Let's suspend hostilities and just get through this rough time."

And my grandmother spent a long, long time buffeted by these two men who were unable to call an end to a longstanding conflict.

I can't tell you who I feel worst for here: the mom, the dad, the son, the daughter-in-law, or the children who might be living in a household absolutely filled with anger, shame, disgust, bitterness, and pain.

Carolyn Hax: Goodness, though, you learned a lot, didn't you? I don't doubt that, had a happy childhood arrived at your doorstep to replace your unhappy one, you would have embraced it and wept with joy. But just from your brief post, it looks as if you took this hell as an opportunity to accrue wisdom, when so many people stockpile bitterness.

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Washington, D.C.: Re: It's not you... Wouldn't it be funny if the reason he ended it is because she could never take "no" for an answer?

Carolyn Hax: Snort.

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Baby shower dilemma: Carolyn and the nuts - I'm trying to decide whether to attend a baby shower for a relative who lives in the same town I do, and whom I see occasionally. There are a number of factors including 1: I HATE baby showers 2: this is her second child 3: I have very little in common with this relative and her friends (lifestyle, interests, values, etc.) and at past events at her house with her friends I've been bored out of my mind. But then I think, I am around people like me a lot and maybe it would be good to hang out with those who are really different just to get out of my usual bubble of life and gain some perspective? When do you know when its helpful to force oneself to something you probably won't enjoy but just might be good for you?

Carolyn Hax: Unless your relative is a gift-grubber, she would probably want to celebrate this milestone with people who are happy to be there and happy for her.

There's no shame in not being interested in being there--there's no law that says you have to like everyone or share in every happiness--and it's also fine to feel meh about it but rally for a heartfelt cause (her, her baby, the family in general, even your social circulation). But attending as sociological roughage? Not sure about that.

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Carolyn Hax: I'm getting so many great breakup explanations that it is now my next Hax-Philes post. Hang on to them, please, and check the forum early next week. Thanks!

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Bethesda, Md.: My husband and I have a seven-month-old son, whom we are crazy about. But seething resentment may ruin our marriage. I work a conventional schedule, and my husband's job takes him away from home about three days a week, sometimes weekends, sometimes during the week. My husband does his share with our son and (somewhat less so) around the house. I also pull my weight, but it feels like we both keeping score ALL the time. We've discussed this ad nauseum and tried to stop, but the conversations devolve into "I do as much or more than you" arguments. We're both exhausted, resentful and feeling alone. To give you an example, my husband may be home with our son all day. When I come in from work, my husband retreats to the computer, or puttering around, or possibly doing some housework, while I take care of our son for the rest of the night. There's almost a "I did this all day; you're on your own" vibe. I know I do the same to him sometimes. I feel like a terrible mother for not being enthused all the time to take care of our baby, especially since I'm at work all day and not with him. And I'm also irritated watching my husband surf the web while I'm feeding our son, there's a pile of dishes in the sink, loads of laundry to be done, mail to be sorted, etc., but my husband deserves a break too. How do we stop this cycle?

Carolyn Hax: Put yourselves in each other's shoes, and do so religiously. Every time you start the resentment going, ask yourself, what would I be doing if I were in his place right now? What would I be asking of him?

The truth is, you're both going to be completely wiped out, all the time. So if both of you set a standard of, "I'm wiped out, I need YOU to take care of ME now," and build your expectations on that, then you're both going to resent each other intensely.

Instead, change your standard to this: "We're both wiped out. But am I wiped out to the point where I can justify not pulling my weight, and dumping it on him/her instead?" In most cases, the answer will be no, it's not justified. By looking at it that way, you will be saving your surrenders (which sometimes are necessary, but do indeed load more work onto the other person) for when you really really need them.

One caveat: This works only if you BOTH adopt this standard. If only one of you adopts it, that one will achieve resentful martyr status within weeks, if not days. So approach him with your bestest "we" attitude, and talk about it openly.

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Baby shower Q: What's wrong with having a shower for the 2nd baby? Should the second be celebrated at least as much as the first?

Carolyn Hax: Yes, you're celebrating life and all that, but it's specifically for equipping the parents' home to receive the new baby. Frankly, it's a stretch to have one for parents who are established and can well afford their own stuff, since it, like a bridal shower, is ostensibly for helping these here youngsters make their own home. But, some people swear by them, and not just the gift recipients; certainly some honorees would just as soon not have a shower but agree to it to make the village happy.

But I digress. Presumably for a second child (unless there's a huge age gap, or a tiny one), there's already a car seat, crib, high chair, etc., from the first. So a shower for a second baby, under some circumstances, can come across as a shakedown.

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ugh!: For the love of God, would people please stop saying "preggers".

Carolyn Hax: Tell your hubbies, too.

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Hax-Philes?: I guess I'm relatively new, (although I do hang on to your every word), but where are these Hax-Philes? I just went through a breakup, (pretty mutual, no spectacular story to share), but I would enjoy reading other peoples. Where would I find this forum? Your regular column?

washingtonpost.com: Hax-Philes Discussion Group

Carolyn Hax: Thanks, Elizabeth. I'll post the starter for the breakup lines either Monday or Tuesday, unless my amnesia strikes again.

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Alexandria, Va.: Whenever my wife starts complaining about the chore balance or kid time balance or whatever, I try to invite a kid-loving friend or family member over. It helps both the kid and us to be watched and the vibe can last a week.

Carolyn Hax: Great idea. Just watching someone else be good to your kids is magic--happy kids, resting parents, much glow. Thanks.

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Anonymous: Something more personal. Is the Super Bowl stupid because the Pats aren't in it?

Carolyn Hax: No playoffs, at 11-5? -That- is stupid.

But I'm on to hockey. Caps have gotten very entertaining over the past few years.

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feeding anxiety: I am afraid to leave my kids and go out of town. This is because I think something will happen to them when they are out of my sight. One of them does have a precarious health situation, but it is incurable and largely under control with medication. I realize I could choose to never leave town until they are grown, but it doesn't feel sustainable (weddings, funerals, trips w. spouse.. etc). How do I talk myself down and make those normal plans?

Carolyn Hax: Dealing with anxiety effectively is really about sorting real fears with phantom ones--or, I should say, in a nod to the fickleness of life, sorting the high-percentage anxieties from the low-percentage ones.

In other words, don't just go out of town because you think you should be able to, only to be miserable the whole time. Figure out what you;re worried about, and take care to set out plans that address those worries. Starting with, who would be caring for your kids? Do you have someone in mind? Has this person/have these people spent long stretches of time with your family? Gotten good at the routines? If yes, then it might just be a matter of making a slighly type A schedule for everyone for when you're away. If you have a sense of where they are and what they're doing and when, and it's all reasonable, then you won't be as freaked.

If the answer is no, the caregivers aren't really fixtures in your life, then consider a dry run. If everyone would be staying in your home, then invite the caregiver to spend a night/weekend with you and take over while you stick around to answer questions and, I don't know, clean out that closet you've been meaning to tackle. If they'de be staying somewhere else (friends' houses, say) then farm everyone out for a trial overnight.

Etc. You get the idea--the fewer blanks you leave unfilled, the less anxious you'll be about leaving.

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Seriously: How does one go about getting a babysitter? I'm serious. I'm educated, in my thirties, and have two kids. I even babysat when I was younger. But I've never had a sitter for the kids -- I've gotten a recommendation for a neighborhood kid, but what do I do? Knock on her door? Get her parent's phone number? How much do kids in Montgomery County get paid to sit, anyways? Can you call the day before, or do you need to line something up a week in advance? I feel like I'm entering unchartered territory, honestly.

Carolyn Hax: You get recommendations; you call the family home or, if that's not applicable, the potential sitter's cell; you invite said candidate to meet your kids; you watch Candidate and kids interact, to gather whatever signals your gut needs to feel okay with this; you talk to Candidate to talk about times/circumstances you might want help, how much lead time, how much $, etc. (MoCo teenager, $10-$12; older/more professonal, I'd say $12-$15.)

If it's a solid recommendation, some people just go on that and skip the meeting, but you're not there yet, I imagine.

And, people with more difficult kids--lots of them, high energy, special needs, three kids under 2 (ahem), whatever, would go the other way and have new sitters come work as mother's/father's helpers first, meaning they help out while parents are there.

Then, you leave your contact numbers, the time you'll be home, what food in the fridge can be raided, and you GET OUT OF THE HOUSE.

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Carolyn Hax: I realize that wasn't a general-interest question, but I felt it was my duty to release the prisoner.

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football: Football is not stupid. In fact, it's just like work--lots of meetings broken up by an occasional period of violence.

Carolyn Hax: Which a lot of meetings will inspire.

Violent chess. That;s the description I like.

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"Celebrating" a second baby...: does not include a registry and a shakedown. Have a fill-the-freezer party. A recycle a book party. A sip-n-see, where YOU host a party welcoming the baby. "Celebrating" the baby doesn't have to mean "showering" the family with gifts. It does look greedy sometimes, especially when you should have a ton of stuff from your first. Obviously, this isn't always the case.

Carolyn Hax: Does not -have to include-, you mean. I agree those are good ideas for 2d (even 1st) showers, but this apparently wasn't one of those.

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Rockville, MD: On Frisco - As the parent of a couple of rebounding daughters, both artistic and one of whom flunked out of college, I can certainly see the parents' point of view. At some point they want to stop pouring money into their offspring and stop having all of these parenting responsibilities and do something fun. It really sounds like Frisco has not quite figured out how to support himself and his family. Unfortunately, not unusual for artists (see life of Cezanne, among others). As a frustrated parent, I can see the parents' point of view. Frisco needs to figure out how to make a living. Maybe that will involve getting a job teaching art or marketing his talents more widely. It's not easy, especially in today's economy. But he should start with an apology to his dad, then maybe ask for some sort of help, since the babies do need to have a roof over their heads and even the angriest dad will think twice when grandchildren are involved. But do the honest, right thing and start with an apology to the dad.

Carolyn Hax: Whoo. Thanks.

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Bowie, Md.: OK, I'll take the bait: what are Zuzu t-shirts??

washingtonpost.com: They were thank-you gifts for people who contributed more than $50 to Carolyn's "team" in the the 2008 ALS Association fundraiser walk in Washington. And Zuzu is a dog who belongs to Carolyn and Nick. And Nick is Carolyn's first husband and illustrator of the great cartoons with her columns. I think that covers everything?

Carolyn Hax: Thanks, E. Just saw this--I don't always know when I'm being cryptic. Sorry!

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Re: Babysitting: Expect to pay more... some teens that have Red Cross Babysitting certifications can get up to $20 per hour. I know, it's crazy...

Carolyn Hax: New to me, but wouldn't want anyone to walk into that one unprepared.

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RE Old Frenemies: My wife, who's a couple years younger than me and thus behind on the class reunion schedule, went with me to my 10th HS reunion. She kept telling me how amazed she was at how nice all my classmates are.

Then she had hers and her classmates were all nice too. The epiphany hit her: "Wow. I guess we're all adults now."

Carolyn Hax: There, ending on a high note.

Thanks everybody, see youse next week, and please remember to post your great breakup explanations to the Philes. Elizabeth and I shouldnt' be the only ones who have the pleasure of reliving your horrors with you. Great stuff out there.

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Another babysitting question: Carolyn, I am in my early 30s, in the middle of a divorce, no kids, and have actually thought that I would like to start babysitting again. I love kids and it would be a fun way for me to get some extra money. Would that be strange? I obviously have friends with kids, but wouldn't accept money from them, so have no idea how I would start.

Carolyn Hax: Maybe your friends can post a notice for you at the schools/day cares/etc. they use, and will agree to be a reference?

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Your're overlooking something regarding Frisco: "It came to blows at one point with my mom watching, and she didn't try to stop my dad."

He is saying his father was physically abusive which no matter what the argument was about--is NEVER ok.

So why are we asking the son to apologize to the father, if the father assaulted him?

I do not think he should move his wife and kids into a house with an abusive father.

Carolyn Hax: Right right, thank you--was so far from the thread that I had forgotten that.

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Well, it covers JUST about everything: Hi Elizabeth -- You forgot the crucial "now I can sleep at night!" info that yes, Zuzu is named after Jimmy Stewart's character's daughter in "It's a Wonderful Life." :)

Carolyn Hax: Phew. Good catch.

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Carolyn Hax: Wait--one more thing. Zuzu is the contemplative, somewhat power-hungry pit bull in so many of Nick's cartoons.

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babysitting: Haven't paid a babysitter yet (the kid isn't due for 3 more months), but don't let anyone talk you into an extra $5/hour for Red Cross Certification. Depending on the state, you only need to be 11 or 12 years old to get it, and it's only a few hours of classes on how to diaper, what information you should have before the parents leave home, etc.

NOW - if the sitter is certified in infant/child CPR or first aid, that's a different story. But the babysitter certification class isn't much training, no baby experience, and I'd rather have a sitter with experience than that credential

Carolyn Hax: Reality check. Tx.

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Carolyn Hax: Clarification: If you are an ALS Association DONOR, there's no need to email me. I have a list from the ALSA and I'm working my way through it with the next order.

If you sent me money JUST for a shirt, not as a donation, and you haven't gotten your shirt (and haven't gotten an email from me lately) THEN I need you to get in touch.

Reason being, I want to make sure no checks are lost in a mail pile, or I missed a PayPal email. Thanks.

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