Carolyn Hax Live: The Good and Bad Sides of Toxic Relatives, plus My Marriage Was A Mistake, My Friend Keeps Me Waiting, Advice for Spouses of the Unemployed, and Should We Let the Kids Quit Baseball?

In her daily column in The Washington Post Style section, Carolyn Hax offers readers advice based on the experiences of someone who's been there. Hax is an ex-repatriated New Englander with a liberal arts degree and a lot of opinions and that's about it, really, when you get right down to it. Oh, and the shoes. A lot of shoes.

Carolyn was online Friday, February 6 taking your questions and comments about her current advice column and any other questions you might have about the strange train we call life. Her answers may appear online or in an upcoming column.

A transcript follows.

E-mail Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com.

Got more to say? Check out Carolyn's discussion group, Hax-Philes. Comments submitted to the chat may be used in the discussion group.

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Alexandria: WRT today's letter. I wonder what makes this woman think she has any right to dictate what family relationships her children may and may not have. It's a parent's responsibility to ensure that their children are not abused; absent that, it is also their responsibility to ensure that their children are able to develop their own relationships with their own family, for God's sake.

My grandmother was extremely difficult. She overtly preferred me to my sister; she was an emotionally abusive mother and a profoundly damaged person. It would have been treacherously easy for my mother to decide that my sister and I were just better off not seeing Grandma. Instead, Mom put a hard stop to the blatant favoritism and let us build our own relationships with her.

It was the best gift she could have given us, not least because for all her issues, Grandma loved my sister and me deeply. When we were young enough that we didn't notice how damaged she was, we were able to bask in her undivided attention. When we were old enough to get an inkling of her problems, it was a good lesson in the fact that people are rarely, if ever, all good or all bad. By the time we were adults and knew the full story, our relationship with her gave us an irreplacable chance to place ourselves in the larger context of our extended family's history; to see how her difficult upbringing had shaped her and her siblings, to see how she and they responded to it, to trace the consequences of things that happened close to 100 years ago.

None of that would have been possible had my parents decided it was too much trouble for us to spend time with my grandmother. Fortunately, they recognized that my sister and I had a perfect right to all of the above, and that it was not their place to deny us those gifts merely because my grandmother was difficult. I cannot adequately express how grateful I am to my parents for that, and how robbed I would feel had they cut off those avenues because it made their own lives easier.

Carolyn Hax: There are some things that a story can illustrate so much better than an explanation. Unfortunately, as the one member of this discussion who can't post anonymously, I have to keep most examples to myself. Thanks for offering up your life to make this point.

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Harrassment, Mass.: Carolyn, I have a kind of ongoing issue with a person I dated 5 years ago who seems unstable and persists in trying to contact me in very creepy ways ("You're the only person who can understand me," etc.) It makes me feel unsafe and I try to deal with it accordingly -- I never respond and make myself as unavailable as possible in terms of keeping my address, phone, email private. Recently, however, this individual managed to get my work phone number and began contacting me obsessively at work. I do not engage this person at ALL because I've been advised that any response rewards the contact, but still -- FIVE YEARS and it hasn't stopped.

My problem isn't that I don't think I can do my best to protect myself, but that my mother feels sorry for this individual, whom she says is mentally ill, and is in regular contact with this person. I am now married (not that it would make a difference if I weren't), and I'm afraid my mom's continued contact with this person is causing silences and rifts between us. More importantly, I know it creates a unwanted link between this person and me no matter what I do to eliminate it. I guess I just have no idea what to do in this situation because nothing I do or say seems to change anybody else's behavior in this situation, but I need to change something in order to feel safer (and, at the risk of sounding melodramatic, less betrayed).

(Yes, of course I've talked to my mom: she is apologetic and says she is too soft-hearted; her "compromise" is just not to talk to me at all about the contact.)

Carolyn Hax: Would your mom be willing to come with you to see a therapist regarding her ongoing contact with this person? A competent mental health professional will be able to tell her that even if this person (hereafter X) is mentally ill, Mom is actually presenting an obstacle to X's getting well. As long as X has indirect access to you, then the quest for your attention continues, and as long as the quest continues, that's where X's energy will be directed. All energy directed at pursuing you is energy not available to the cause of getting well. To put it in terms more familiar to people: If this were a substance-abuse issue, your mom would be enabling X by keeping X from hitting bottom, thereby keeping X from the circumstances that would motivate X to get treatment.

Keeping someone from getting help is not "soft-hearted," it's dangerously uninformed.

One caveat: I would talk to the therapist first, first to get the licensed-professional version of what I just said, and second to make sure you're both clear on the goals of the appointment when mom joins you.

You can also give her the "Gift of Fear" to read in the meantime.

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washingtonpost.com: Issuing one more engagement-story call -- if you have an especially romantic, funny or dreadful tale you'd like to share with the world, click here to find out how to submit it for a story for washingtonpost.com's upcoming Wedding Week. Thanks! -- Elizabeth

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Springfield, Va.: Carolyn, you might be saving me from being a busybody. I found out that a friend discovered my little sister making out with her boyfriend on this friend's bed -- yuck! Nobody said anything to her (or the boyfriend). Should I? I don't think I was given the information so that I would say anything, I was just forwarded the email that the bed-owner had sent to complain about it to another mutual friend. I'm not from the 1800's, but I don't like feeling ashamed of my sister.

Carolyn Hax: I'd be more ashamed of being friends with the person who sent the gossipy and entirely gratuitous e-mail. The friend who discovered your sister should have said her piece to your sister, and then never said anything about it to anyone else. Forwarding dirt shows a lack of decency I find much more "yuck!" than the kind your sister displayed.

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RE: toxic relatives: As someone that has been in therapy for a few years because of a toxic parent, I can say I am surprised that many would think being around toxic relatives is a good idea. That is the exact opposite of what you learn in therapy. You shouldn't be merely around someone because they are a relative; they should actually provide something positive in your life.

Carolyn Hax: A toxic parent and a toxic relative are different things, for one--a parent is the primary, daily emotional resource, where a relative can be included in a carefully limited way, with context provided.

And, we're talking about people who are flawed, sometimes deeply, which doesn't rule out that they also have some good qualities. Of course you shouldn't be around people "just" because they're relatives, but their being relatives adds something to the balance sheet that ought to be considered against the other things on that sheet.

So, for example, Grandma B has some toxic qualities, but also has some admirable ones. Throw in that Grandma B raised Parent B, which means Grandma B can provide context and history; and that Parent A and Parent B are aware of Grandma B's less charming qualities, and stand ready both to provide a daily example of more admirable behavior, and to help the kids understand (as nonjudgmentally as possible) that Grandma B is a mixed bag (no offense intended, Grandma B).

Every parent of course has the responsibility to decide when the potential damage of knowing this relative outweighs the benefits. But given the number of estrangement stories that make it to my desk every day, I am hoping people will choose estrangement with an "absolute last resort" attitude, and not as a "better safe than sorry" attitude. There are human beings on both ends of these decisions, and that should never be forgotten.

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Washington, D.C.: Hello Carolyn,

I find your relationship advice most helpful. So here is my dilemma: What do you think is a good way to react when your partner repeatedly says he will do certain things (e.g. go to the gym, or plan a weekend getaway) but never -- or hardly ever -- does them? In other words, how do you refuse to be part of this self-delusion without coming across as a lecturer or a nay-sayer? Silence (i.e. lack of reinforcement) is a tempting option. But it leads to a lot of pent-up frustration.

Carolyn Hax: "When you say you're going to do these things, I don't believe you any more. I love you and I don't like feeling this way. What would you do if you were in my position?"

It's a terrible position to be in, I'm sorry. But even saying such a difficult thing as this is less destructive than pent-up frustration.

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The Friend Break-up: A similar question was asked of romantic relationships last week, but I'm not sure if same rules apply.

When backing away from a friendship, when should one explain the reasons and when should the distance speak for itself? I need space from my closest friend of 15 years (a decision I've taken seriously), but considering her defensive nature, I'm not sure that the conversation would be productive. Do I simply downshift into a casual friendship, or would it be kind (or hurtful?) to explain my reasons why? I don't want to cut her off entirely but to reduce communication/expectations.

Carolyn Hax: First of all, you don't need it to be a "productive" conversation. Your intent is to pull back on the friendship, which might inevitably cause hard feelings--but your purpose really is just to avoid causing any hard feelings that could have been prevented. So, your first step is to start conducting the friendship as you'd prefer it to go. Sometimes that's all it takes; she could well be interested in pulling back, too.

If you pull back but she doesn't match your actions, and instead shows signs of hurt feelings, then you do need to say something. Instead of trying to tiptoe around her emotional mines, though, just say kindly and firmly what's on your mind: "We have so little in common lately," or whatever your complaint is.

If she gets defensive, then you can explain that this is part of why you've been pulling back--you feel constrained by fear that she'll react this way. Then you say you're very sorry, and that you care about her, and you hope she can see her way to continuing the friendship on new/different footing.

Even if that doesn't feel "productive," I think you need to remind yourself that this wasn't about avoiding all hurt feelings, this was about changing the terms of a friendship. If you are kind to her in acting on your decision, and it's her refusal to accept your decision that makes things messy, then know these were hard feelings she was going to insist on having.

Which is probably why you're looking for the door.

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Going to the Gym: Carolyn,

In response to a question above: why is it OK for women to tell men they should go to the gym, but not OK for men to tell women they should go to the gym?

Is this just another one of those "double standards" I've learned to deal with over the years?

washingtonpost.com: She didn't ask how to tell her boyfriend to go to the gym, she asked what to do when her boyfriend kept saying he was going to the gym, then not going. -- Elizabeth

Carolyn Hax: What she said.

That chip on your shoulder will help you see every petty offense, real or perceived, within a 10-mile radius. It's not a fulfilling way to live.

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Anonymous: Carolyn,

I have realized that I made a terrible mistake in marrying the person I married. We've been married six years, and thank goodness, do not have children. He is overbearing, controlling, and can be verbally abusive when he is under stress. (These traits were present before we were married, and I was dumb enough to ignore them; they've become much worse over the years.) By "verbally abusive," I mean that he will yell at me, tell me I'm too sensitive if I become upset with him, and also will sometimes make "jokes" about me that aren't really jokes at all.

I know many people would suggest counseling, but my heart isn't in it -- my love for him has evaporated; he has alienated me. I feel as if he would need a complete personality transplant for me to want to stay married to him. I am just so down on myself for marrying him in the first place. I was just stupid. Now I want out, and I feel selfish for not wanting to try counseling. Do you have any advice? I really have no idea what to do.

Carolyn Hax: Talk to a counselor on your own, because you have everything you need to make a decision and you're not making a decision. Why? Guilt? Fear? Self-esteem erosion? Find a safe place to say these things out loud, try to regain your footing, then do whatchoo gotta do.

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Seattle, Wash.: What's your take on the importance of kids' sports? My husband and I have a disagreement on the issue. He did a lot of sports growing up and me not so much. Our twin 10 year old boys are not interested in sports like he was. They have played baseball every spring but are not very good at it, nor or they interested in working to become good. It's time to sign up and we are facing a showdown: Dad thinks they should sign up and play, but they really don't want to. The league at their age becomes much more serious and pressure-filled, so even less fun to them. I say it's not a big deal -- they are young and will find a sport they are interested in (one of them already loves basketball), but Dad thinks they should keep at it until they get good and not give up. I see so many parents who push their kids in sports and I just don't want to be like that, but I can appreciate the overall lesson of sticking to something. We are at a loggerheads and I would love to hear your perspective.

Carolyn Hax: This is a really tough line to walk--you don't want to push, but you do want to enforce the idea of sticking to something. One of the most valuable things parents can instill in their kids is the patience to work toward and wait for delayed gratification. It's not something little people are good at, in all their I WANT THIS NOW egoism, but when they become big people and still don't know how to work for a long-term payoff, you end up with binge-eaters and job-/bed-hoppers and deficit spenders and some seriously clogged arteries.

So, how do you apply this to your 10-year-olds? It's hard when your gut and his gut say something different, but my gut responded to your, "nor or they interested in working to become good." What;s the context of that lack of interest--is it just baseball, or is it true of all but video games?

If it is just baseball, that's what you present to their dad. Exhibit A, this isn't their sport.

And if it isn't just baseball, can you name something that bucks the trend, something (possibly different things) in which each boy has shown a sustained interest? You mentioned basketball--is it possible their hand-eye coordination isn't up to the challenge of baseball, but they'd enjoy, say, swimming? Soccer? Basketweaving? If they do have a blah attitude toward investing their energies, it becomes almost more urgent that you detect a real passion in them. You'll need that passion to do this important teaching for you.

Unfortunately, if your husband is fixated on baseball to the point that he's ready to march your kids through it even if they hate it, then he's already beyond the reach of reason. (At which point you can just accept that one more season won't torture them.*) But it's worth a try: Explain that you believe in their having an activity,and you believe in their sticking with something, but that you think they'll get better results if it's something -they- choose. If your husb agrees, present the boys with a choice: one activity, followed through till the end of the season.

If you need to sell it to the sports worshiper in him, remind him that if they pick up other sports wile they're young, they'll be more versatile athletes.

* Key exception: There are cases where kids have subtle disabilities that make it impossible for them to, say, hit a baseball. If your boys are routinely o-fer, then consider that, too.

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Marital Mistake Poster: So Carolyn, do you believe that people are who they are and that the poster's husband has no hope of changing even if he was willing to undergo counseling and do the work? And while I realize that people can - and do - just end marriages without doing everything available to them to try and work it out do you think that's the right way to go?

Carolyn Hax: First of all, I don't believe outsiders are in any position to judge whether someone has done "everything available to them." This person wasn't interested in counseling because the love is gone and all that's left is resentment. Who are we to say, "Sorry, you have to turn over every last rock to make sure there isn't a grain of affection hiding somewhere."

And if we did, what then? What if the husband has an epiphany, tries to say more nice things, and stops himself most of the time when he's trying to micromanage her. Is that enough? Do we get to say to her, "Okay, you should be happy now, he's trying"? What if during the times he doesn't stop himself from micromanaging her, she cringes? What if she recoils at his touch, even after he changes? What if seeing how nice he can be only intensifies her resentment of how unkind he was for six years?

These may be painting an outline of extremes, but there's still the middle, the amount that someone can realistically change. Most likely he's still going to have some controlling tendencies, some passive aggression that comes out in joke form, some sense of entitlement to indulge a really bad mood. Someone who already finds this person unbearable is not likely to come around--nor (back to my original point) is it anyone's place to insist that she come around.

So to answer your question, people who feel they have reached their limit usually have darn good reasons for that. And when they don't, that's for their conscience to handle.

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Charlotte, N.C.: For the mom of the twins -- I'd also consider the possibility that it's not baseball they dislike, but dad's involvement. If it's so important to him that they do well, 10 years old is sure old enough for them to pick up on his disappointment. That's a lot of pressure on a kid, and may turn off any love they have for any sport. Maybe rent The Bad News Bears and keep playing the scene where the kid looks at dad yelling and intentionally drops the ball. Man, I love that scene!

Carolyn Hax: Me too. Might be time for a rental--need a Tanner Boyle fix.

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RE: Parentally Enforced Activity: I think that the children having no desire to get good at baseball depends on why they signed up. I was in band and choir in junior high school because mom thought we should be in band and choir. I wasn't good musically and was at times harassed by the teachers and students. I wanted to learn a foreign language and try for speech, but mom didn't see any value in making time for that because I was "already involved in band and choir." Any time I wanted to quit I was berated for not being able to follow through.

If dad signed them up the first time and keeps signing them up it has no bearing on their future stick-to-itness. Also, a lot of adults try hobbies and find they don't have the talent and find no furthur need to throw time or money at it just to "stick with it." Learning when to call it quits is also a good skill.

Carolyn Hax: Nice point, thanks. Really does need to be the kids' idea, at least after the introductory phase.

Full disclosure, we did push swimming lessons beyond that point, but that was a safety issue.

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Sports mom again: I agree that the boys need to pick something and stick to it, sports-wise. I guess part of the problem is today's hyper-sports culture for kids. In my day, it was no big deal to pick up a sport in junior or even senior high. Now it seems that if you don't do the sport from preschool on, you will be passed by and unable to jump in later. I think this is what my husband fears: if they don't do it this year, they will never have the chance again. I also agree it will be no big deal if they are marched through the season -- the problem is that it will be me who is doing the marching since dad can't get home for those afternoon practices and games. The boys do love swimming, biking, and kung-fu, so they are fine athletically. Just not so much on the baseball!

Carolyn Hax: Agh. This makes me crazy. People are still picking up sports as teenagers.

Meanwhile, if they drop it this spring, they can pick it up this summer. And while they'll be a little behind from the lost months, they'll be far more likely to make up the ground quickly if they're driven by a burning desire to get back in the game--which will then be the standard for them to sign up again, not just that Daddy wants it for them. In fact, if they miss it, they can go to a camp, where they'll make up for their lost spring within a matter of weeks.

Finally: Notice what the sports they like have in common? Limited to no hand-eye coordination required. If they don't have it, they don't have it, and they'll never take to baseball. Let them do what they're good at.

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Going to the Gym, Again: Why would she care if he says he going to go to the gym and then doesn't? I can understand the planning a weekend together thing - that's essentially a promise made to do something for the two of them that he failed to make good on.

But the gym is something that you do for yourself. If my fiancee tells me that she's going to go out and buy a new pair of shoes, but then returns home with no shoes - should I be upset with her?

Carolyn Hax: If it happens several times a week, yes, it's going to start driving you nuts.

In yet another iteration of NO, LOVE IS NOT ALL YOU NEED, GAHHHH, we have the issue of respect: If you live with someone who continually declares s/he will do X or Y or Z but never does, especially if this person then complains about the results of not doing X or Y or Z, then you're going to find your respect for this person eroding. Think for a second what makes people declare they're going to go to the gym--is it ever, "I have so much energy, I could use an hour on the treadmill"? No, it's, "Ugh, I've gotten huge," or, "Ugh, I'm so out of shape."

Your shoe analogy is shoes and oranges (huh?): One gets shoes because the old ones are worn, or there's an occasion/outfit needing shoes, or a person just likes the buzz of a new pair of shoes. Just doesn't get to the element of strength/self-discipline/taking care of oneself that the gym does. The gym is, "I'm going to start living in a more healthy way," and it matters when a person means it or is all talk.

When it comes to willpower issues, clock in about a decade of these pronouncements with no follow-through, and you become the person who wants to scream, "You are SO full of [naughty word]!" every time your mate declares a plan for self-improvement. Far better just to say, "I don't believe you any more when you say these things," well before you get to this point.

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For Sports Mom: Know what else swimming, biking, and kung fu have in common? They're all "individual" team sports. Even in a swimming relay, you go at your own pace before tagging in your teammate. Same for biking. Kung fu is one-on-one, too. Seems like they thrive on besting their personal records, or going for the gold on their own. Maybe they don't like "traditional" team sports.

But I'm a theater person who thought all sports were evil until I was 25, so what do I know.

Carolyn Hax: A lot! The more angles from which we approach it, the better the answers, no?

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Grain of affection: You said we don't have to say "Sorry, you have to turn over every last rock to make sure there isn't a grain of affection hiding somewhere."

But isn't that what you promise to do when you marry someone?

Carolyn Hax: Didn't this guy promise to honor and cherish her when he married her? You don't get to decide who broke the contract, the person in the marriage does.

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Chicago, Ill.: In regard to baseball and stick-to-it-iveness, Carolyn wrote: "Full disclosure, we did push swimming lessons beyond that point, but that was a safety issue." And baseball isn't a safety issue? You never know when you'll suddenly need to slide into second to avoid a tag. I hope you'll reconsider your opinion.

Carolyn Hax: Doh! Thanks for the catch. (Get it? Catch?)

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Two Threads made one: OHH, neat how two threads seem to come together. The wife who may have reached a point where even if her husband changed, she's done, the love is gone. And the kids who can't hit another 10 year old's fast ball and don't want to be around when the other kids learn to throw the curve. Seems like one of the recurring issues in life is : when is giving it another try an obligation? When is it time to stop before the justification impulse starts coloring in the background; and when is it quitting?

I like your thought that outsiders can not be the judges.

Carolyn Hax: Thanks. I think one of the questions to ask yourself, when you're trying to find the line between another try and quitting, should be: Am I doing this just for myself, or do others benefit from my decision, too?

And then: If it is just for me, have I earned that?

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Is it time for me to be more patient?: I have a friend who I have known for 10 years. We hang out at least once a week. Nearly every single time we have gone out, she has been late. I understand that things happen which require a person to be tardy but she is almost always late, whether we try to plan to do something after work or even on the weekend. She has made jokes about her chronic tardiness, so it's uncertain if she recognizes that it's a problem. Often when she is going to be late, she only gives me 10 minutes notice, and I am already en route to whatever event we are attending. So, I end up waiting for her for an average of 15 to 20 minutes. I have mentioned several times that her tardiness frustrates me to no avail. Is it unreasonable that I think I want to end our friendship over this? I think it's rude that she values over time over mine and thinks it okay to leave people waiting. I have had other friends that are the same way and I have reduced the amount of time I interact with them because chronic tardiness is a pet peeve of mine. I just don't know if this is something that I need to get over or whether I should be more understanding of this flaw in people.

Carolyn Hax: You're entitled to your peeves, and yes, people should arrive on time, and yes, their taking an extra 20 minutes for themselves means they think (consciously or sub-) that their uses for that time are more valuable than yours. In short, chronic tardiness is indefensible.

On the other hand: Do you miss the people you're cutting loose for being tardy? Do you have any traits of your own that might constitute others' pet peeves? Do you like to read or do crossword puzzles or talk to friends, but find yourself too pressed for time--say, 15-20 minutes here and there--to do these things as much as you like?

If you like the friend, then you can adjust to the flaws--especially when she's so consistent in the way she reveals them. If you can't adjust to the flaws, well, not much you can do except get annoyed or find a new friend.

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Expectations for the newly unemployed: This is, sadly, an increasingly common scenario: newly-unemployed spouse, looking for a job but with considerable time on their hands. What expectations of additional chores and projects are fair? I respect that he is looking, but that still leaves at least 6 extra hours a day that he could be spending some of doing needed maintenance, etc. Please help me balance his stress with my "what are you doing all day?!" disbelief.

Carolyn Hax: I think you have to factor in some appreciation for reality, some sensitivity, some flexibility, and some clarity.

On the sensitivity and appreciation for reality fronts, I think you need to consider what it means for some people to find themselves suddenly out of work. Shock, fear, shame--these aren't emotions you shrug off, these are the ones you grieve through. So, sensitivity demands--again, for some people--that you leave room for grief behavior. Then there's the reality angle: For laid-off workers in their, say, 40s, this could be the first time in two decades that they've not had to report somewhere/to someone. Throw in school and it can be four decades. That's a lot of showing up over a lot of years, and so to understand how someone responds to that new reality, I think you have to put yourself in that place. Wouldn't your impulse be to lie around some? Just because you can?

On top of that, self-motivation is a skill, and some people need time to acquire it. Just ask all the people who have made the transition to working at home or working for themselves, and struggled for months to find the right formula for being productive.

That's where flexibility and clarity come in. I don't think you can look at those six hours and say, okay, all of those are now available for house stuff. But you can say, "I realize you need time just to process all this, but I also think this might be a chance to get X, Y and/or Z done. What do you think?"

All of which is to say, your disbelief will be his, "Wow, you just don't get it." So try to get it. You'll get through this much better if you';re both at least trying to think along the same lines.

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Chronically tardy: I do think this is a good thing to overlook. However, if anyone wants to cut a friend loose for dissing hockey you have my full blessing.

Carolyn Hax: Conundrum: Do you cut a friend loose for being late to hockey?

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Washington, D.C.: Dear Carolyn,

I feel sick about this. I went to ask my girlfriend's parents for permission to ask her to marry me, and her dad said no. They have a bunch of issues with our relationship including our age and other related things. Now I don't know what to do. Please help?

Carolyn Hax: How old are you both?

And, did you see asking permission as ceremonial, to please your GF, or did you do it because you felt it was important to have her parents' support?

Or, er, did you need their legal consent?

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It's me, "Grieving" from Wednesday: hi Carolyn,

Thanks for your response. I agree with what you said, but probably should have given a little more information. I don't think my boyfriend was whining about not getting enough attention.

I'm just genuinely concerned about not being a good companion during this time. This is important to me, particularly because doing "my best" in all contexts -- also including work, friendships, family relationships etc. -- does make me feel better. Maybe at some point it will be good for me to just be alone with my grief and let other things go, but right now that's neither practical (bills to pay, demands to meet) nor appealing.

Also, his need for my support hasn't conveniently gone away just because I have a hardship in my life right now. He has his own things going on, and I want to be there if I can. So if you have any additional thoughts about how to deal, they'd be much appreciated.

washingtonpost.com: Carolyn Hax, Feb. 4, 2009

Carolyn Hax: Thanks for the second pass at it. It allows me to clarify: I'm not suggesting you be alone with your grief. I am simply saying that if ever there were a time to give yourself permission to be at something less than your best on all fronts, this is it.

I get that your doing your best makes you feel better. However, it's also apparent there's another edge to that sword: It's making you feel worse that you can't be at your best right now.

The drive to be good is one of the most useful things we human beings can harness in ourselves. It keeps us connected to the people we love, it keeps us at our work until we get it right, it keeps us honest when we know there's nobody looking. Unfortunately, though, it can also push us to hit the accelerator when we know our wheels are in the mud.

You want to support/care for your BF as you always have, and there's nothign wrong with that--it's a generous impulse. But there is (or will be) a problem when you start getting down on yourself for not being as good a GF as you'd like to be. Your "best" isn't a fixed quantity; it changes with your circumstances. And your circumstances are such that "best" for a lot of people is to make it to work and home and get the bills paid and your laundry done. There's nothing wrong with streamlining--call it life triage--in response to grief.

It's actually not unusual for the poeple who choose not to streamline, and who try to get on with life as usual, find thigns catching up with them. Not that this has happened or will happen to you--I'm just saying there's no shame, and a lot of good sense, in trimming your expectations of yourself for a while.

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Marriage Permission: When my boyfriend asked my dad's permission to marry me, he said he thought the idea of "asking permission" was ludicrous since I was an adult and he couldn't tell me what to do, but he did let my boyfriend know that he thought it was a terrible idea for us to get married. We got married. It was a terrible idea. We got divorced. Still, I'm glad it was me making my own mistakes. It can be a wake-up call when your loved ones disapprove of the relationship, and it should be considered carefully.

Carolyn Hax: Go dad--and you. Great story, thanks.

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Washington, D.C.: Re: Monsters in law

Carolyn -- I just can't agree with you on the in-law issue. I get that family is important, but family can be bad. They can be undermining your relationship with your child, they can be attempting to undermine your relationship with your spouse. For more than 10 years, I've dealt with just such a MIL. She went so far as to question my son's paternity when he was born -- sending his photo out for opinions as to whether he looked like my husband. She has different religious beliefs than me and my husband, and she attempts to send my son religious materials which we don't condone. She doesn't like the fact that I work, she doesn't like anything about me and blames me for everything, despite more than a lifetime of fighting with my husband and a decade of fighting with me.

Now, enter the grandchild -- the ONLY grandchild, MY child. How is this little kid, who still asks about Santa and the tooth fairy, supposed to have a filter that is going to help him filter out MIL's BS? Is it acceptable, so he can eventually figure out what kind of a person she is that he has to be confused because this woman is so nasty to his parents and especially his mommy? Why is it right that we have to do remedial work after he sees her to try to undo the poison and guilt that she is trying to sow into this little kid's life? Why don't we have the right to set limits on visits and calls and whatnot? My therapist makes a lot of money off of my relationship with this woman -- don't I owe it to my kid, as his mom, to spare him that damage? I just don't get it.

Carolyn Hax: Where do we disagree? If you feel you're covered by this:

"Every parent of course has the responsibility to decide when the potential damage of knowing this relative outweighs the benefits. But given the number of estrangement stories that make it to my desk every day, I am hoping people will choose estrangement with an "absolute last resort" attitude, and not as a "better safe than sorry" attitude."

... then there's nothing to debate.

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Dating Dilemma: So I have been seeing this guy for about 7 months. We go out to dinner and the movies about once every other week. I want the relationship to move past our weekly outings into something more. Do I wait for him to decide or just move on since it is obvious that we want different things?

washingtonpost.com: Or ask him if he'd like to do things more frequently and try engaging in a deeper level of conversation with him? -- Elizabeth

Carolyn Hax: Revealing just how patient Elizabeth is on a weekly basis. (Thanks!)

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Statute of Limitations? : Dear Carolyn,

I just found out my husband continued to date and sleep with his ex until our third anniversary. We have now been married ten years and have two children. For the past seven years, he has been faithful. Still, I don't know what to do with this new information. It seems too late to have the reaction I would have had at the time, but I feel very bothered and raw about this. Where does this leave me?

Carolyn Hax: Be bothered and raw for a while until your mind has a chance to process it. It's a lot to take in, not just emotionally, but logistically--you're now paging through memories to try to find answers, right?

So be transparent in your needs ("I'm going to need time, and I might be weird because my emotions are all over the place") and patient with yourself. If he shows signs of impatience with you, that's when you can remind him that he doesn't get to decide when you feel better. You will promise not to drag your feet, or pretend to be over it while being quietly punitive, and in return you'll ask him to answer your questions as they come up, but otherwise back off.

Then, slowly, you figure out what you can live with.

I'm sorry. Assumption-shakers are the worst.

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in no particular order...: Steve Nash of the Phoenix Suns (former NBA MVP) took up basketball in junior high.

The people who think chronic tardiness is no big deal are, generally, the chronically tardy. If they were the ones routinely cooling their heels at the bar/lobby/third-base gate, they might realize how uncool it is to waste -other- people's time.

I think asking parents' permission for an engagement is icky.

Anonymous should bear in mind that people who truly love her probably see how her husband treats her, realize how unhappy she is and will be supportive if she decides to leave her marriage. She shouldn't fear the judgment of others.

Carolyn Hax: Thanks! Especially re Nash--the mindset is persistent and scary. Obviously, if someone wants to get into gymnastics or figure skating, middle school is not the time to start. But not all boats need to be caught by age 6.

Time for me to catch the cookie and espresso boat. Bye, thanks, and type to you here next Friday, I hope, when we can all not talk about Valentine's day (which I haven't given half a [cookie] about since it stopped being Valentime's Day).

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Didn't Get Permission Guy : We're 25 and 23. We're not in school, we both work and I have my own place.

I asked for both reasons.

1. I wanted the whole thing to be very traditional and romantic

2. She is very close to her family and if we get married they will be a big part of our lives (in fact, she mentioned a long time ago that she has always hoped her future fiance would go to her parents first)

Also, her parents generally like me. This is the first time I've gotten any idea that they have any reservations about us.

Carolyn Hax: Okay, then. Do they have a point about your age (read: maturity)?

And No. 2 makes a lot of sense, but what about 1--is "traditional" really your idea of "romantic"? Or are you still new enough at adulthood to be working off societal boilerplate?

Promise I'm not being snarky; it actually can be a sign of too-soon-ness, when you don't have fully formed ideas of who you are and what you want. Could be what the dad was thinking?

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Setting limits: Carolyn, you did it again. This latest poster straight out asked you "Why don't we have the right to set limits on visits and calls and whatnot?"

and you did NOT say "yes you have the right to set limits".

Everyone's definition of what are reasonable limits to set differs, but you are not and have not been supporting in ANY of your recent comments on this subject the rights of the parents to set certain basic limits and expect cooperation with them.

Carolyn Hax: "A toxic parent and a toxic relative are different things, for one--a parent is the primary, daily emotional resource, where a relative can be included in a carefully limited way, with context provided."

"carefully limited."

I have defended limit-setting on every day I've spent doing this job. If I choose my words any more carefully, my head will explode.

There is no gotcha here. Sorry.

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