Carolyn Hax Live: Valentine's Day Eve Becomes Out-Of-Line's Day -- Abusive Relationships, Inappropriate Questions, Controlling SOs and More

In her daily column in The Washington Post Style section, Carolyn Hax offers readers advice based on the experiences of someone who's been there. Hax is an ex-repatriated New Englander with a liberal arts degree and a lot of opinions and that's about it, really, when you get right down to it. Oh, and the shoes. A lot of shoes.

Carolyn was online Friday, February 13 taking your questions and comments about her current advice column and any other questions you might have about the strange train we call life. Her answers may appear online or in an upcoming column.

A transcript follows.

E-mail Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com.

Got more to say? Check out Carolyn's discussion group, Hax-Philes. Comments submitted to the chat may be used in the discussion group.

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Washington, D.C.: Hi! And thanks for doing these chats!

I was hoping to ask, no, beg and plead, with all of the people who have caught or will catch that nasty cough/cold to STAY OFF THE METRO, ESPECIALLY DURING RUSH HOUR! At least three times this week I have gotten up and moved to another car after someone boarded a packed, rush hour train and started coughing and sneezing and blowing their nose. Please, have some awareness that the hundreds of people crammed into the metro do not want your germs. Call in sick or sacrifice the $20 to drive yourself to work and park in a public garage for one or two days. I'm sorry you're sick, but please, please, please stop spreading your germs to everyone else!

Carolyn Hax: Or, you spring for the $.69 pocket bottle of hand sanitizer. Sometimes people cough for weeks after they stopped being contagious; sometimes they get sick at work and can't beam themselves home. Sometimes it's not up to them to "sacrifice the $20," since they may not have either it, or a car, or paid sick days. So, please do these people (and others in similar situations) the kind favor of not staring daggers at them every time they put Kleenex to nose. Thanks.

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Annapolis, Md.: I have a Facebook etiquette question. A "friend" of mine (meaning a FB friend, but an acquaintance in real life) was recently diagnosed with cancer. Since he really has no family, two mutual "friends" are helping with his care--taking him to chemo, etc. The thing is, on their statuses (the helpers', not the actual patient's), they're constantly writing things like, "Judy just got back from taking Bob to chemo" or "Sally is sad that Bob's white blood cell count is low" or whatever. I'm uncomfortable knowing all this, but I'm even MORE uncomfortable that, since he doesn't have a FB page, "Bob" may not even know that these women are putting such personal information on the Web. Is there anything I can/should do? Send them a message, even though we're not close, telling them that this isn't cool? Keep my mouth shut? Change my status to "Josie thinks it's rude to post other people's medical info online?"

Carolyn Hax: I vote for keeping mouth shut. It doesn't strike me as embarrassing stuff, and it could well be that these two are Bob's designated informers. The Web has provided invaluable platforms for people who want to keep a group of acquaintances informed without the energy drain of having to place or answer a lot of individual calls.

If you were close to any of them, I would say to ask--in a just-checking kind of way, not in a judgmental one--whether Bob is okay with having this info posted, just to be sure. But since you're not, I'd leave well enough alone.

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washingtonpost.com: Hi -- just posting this because someone asked. When you submit a question to one of the washingtonpost.com chats it is completely anonymous. We don't capture your e-mail address or any other information about you in this system. -- Elizabeth

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Sneezeville: Carolyn, I truly adore you and your chats... but hand sanitizer won't work against viral infections, which is what the bulk of the sneezing, snotting funk monkeys are shedding.

I can top the Metro, though - my favorite cashier at Safeway was getting nasty yuck on every item she scanned. She's got three kids and no paid sick leave. I'd have been pissed, but... What's she gonna do, not eat?

Carolyn Hax: It's okay to correct me without saying you like me.

You're right, the goop works only on bacteria. So I'll amend my dismissal to, "Then don't touch your face until you get a chance to wash your hands."

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Washington, D.C.: What is the appropriate division of labor to address a partner's snoring? My (otherwise loving and generous) husband thinks it's "my" problem that he wakes me up. I have pursued ear plugs to no avail and want him to take some steps. any thoughts? Thanks.

Carolyn Hax: The appropriate division of labor in any emotional partnership is to do your best to keep your partner happy and comfortable, as long as it's reasonably doable and doesn't involve changes to one's fundamental self.

Translation: Since you tried to remedy your light sleeping, and it didn't work, it's your husband's turn. He now owes you a basic effort to remedy his snoring, which means a trip to the doctor, followed by a good faith effort to follow through on the doctor's recommendations.

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True or false: The partner who cares less about Valentine's Day should be the one who makes the effort to please the one who cares more?

Carolyn Hax: See above. It's actually a versatile little guideline. There's a lot of wiggle room in the way two people might define what's "reasonable," but that's where actually liking each other comes in handy. It's incentive to find the middle.

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Washington, D.C.: Dear Carolyn,

My fiance (of three months) threw a lamp at me. It missed me and hit the wall leaving a big hole in it. I don't know if he was aiming specifically for me. (He would say he wasn't trying to hit me, and that he was just mad. We'd been fighting a little that night and he was trying to go to bed when I interrupted him.) He told me to sleep on the couch, which I did. I packed up my things and left his house the next morning. It's been seven days now, and he has not called me to apologize, or anything. I'm almost 40, he's 46, and I really wanted to marry this man who I still love very much. Should I forgive him, should he eventually call me to apologize profusely?

Please, what do you think I should do? It's Valentines's tomorrow, and I wonder if he'll send me flowers. Pathetic, I know.

-- Still holding my breath.

Carolyn Hax: more coming ...

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Washington, D.C.: Dear Carolyn, Hi. This is my first time doing a live chat. I had submitted a question, but don't know if it went through. I had asked you if I should forgive my fiance for throwing a lamp at me! He also told me to 'get the %-$& out!' And even took the doorknob off the bedroom door so I couldn't come to bed. Is a first time violent offense forgivable? He hasn't even called me in seven days now to apologize for his behavior. To be fair, I did call him an expletive before he threw the lamp. Thanks very much!!!

Still holding my breath, L

Carolyn Hax: It feels almost like an abdication to say this, but I think you need to bypass the forum and go straight to professional counseling. It's not just the seriousness of someone who has resorted to violence, it's that you're aching for this person to come back to validate you. This puts you in both a physically and emotionally precarious position. Call 1-800-799-SAFE (Nat'l Domestic Violence Hotline) or 1-800-656-HOPE (www.RAINN.org) to talk to someone right away, and also to get names of people who can see you on a more regular basis.

Please take care of yourself.

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New York: My question concerns drawing boundaries with our partners. When my husband says something would make him uncomfortable, does that mean I automatically shouldn't do said thing, no matter what it is? To me, there are different levels at play here: he'd be uncomfortable with me robbing banks and kicking puppies, and I would never do that. But my not-at-all-hypothetical situation involves seeing a play with some girlfriends that features brief male nudity, which I don't think is a big deal. I think his discomfort has to do more with my girlfriends, who are single and have no reservations talking about sex (I am more reticent about it, especially about our intimate details, in part because of his previously expressed discomfort), and he sees this event as a likely catalyst for such discussions. I am confident in what I'm comfortable with, and know I wouldn't do anything to violate my own or his sense of privacy. He's been careful not to say "you can't go," but with his expressed discomfort, I feel like he's left me with no choice but to not go, since going would contradict his feelings. On the other hand, if I don't go, I'll be unhappy, since I've been looking forward to this night with my friends. It feels like only one of us gets to "win" and I don't know how to reconcile that.

Carolyn Hax: What your husband is asking of you is perilously close to thought control. Okay, so he doesn't want you spilling his private beans (yes, intended, enjoy) when you're out with your friends. But when the idea of your being out with your friends in the presence of a nudity flash is enough to touch off a spousal rash of paranoia, then you're dealing with a spouse who does not have his insecurities under control, who doesn't think he -needs- to have his insecurities under control, and instead thinks it's okay to control what you do with your friends through the indirect means of making you feel bad.

This is a boundary problem, and (oddly enough) it brings us back to the guideline I just posted a couple of questions ago. To make your husband comfortable, you -are- changing your essential self, and this is not a healthy dynamic. You need to draw a line here--by saying that you're going to go on this innocent outing with your friends, without apology, and hope he trusts himself and you and the relationship to withstand normal, adult interactions outside the marriage. And I think you might want to consider counseling to get a look at the bigger picture, because there is a bigger picture.

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Is a first time violent offense forgivable?: Every abusive relationship starts with a first time offense. As someone who has worked at a women's shelter, I cannot tell you how many women, if they'd just walked away after that first incident, we wouldn't have ever had to see there. This is how people end up in abusive relationships that last for years. They forgive that first act of violence.

Carolyn Hax: Thanks.

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Not as bad as a lamp, but...: My fiance and I had a big, yelling (non-violent) fight yesterday and have been cooling off, so to speak, since then. I haven't called him and he hasn't called me either, by mutual agreement. With Valentine's Day tomorrow, though, I'm wondering whether I should suck up my anger and drop by with the gifts I had bought him. I don't want to intrude on his healing space before he's ready, what do you think?

Carolyn Hax: What about -your- healing? What do you think happened, why, and what do you think is the best outcome here--not in an I-don't-want-to-break-up sense, but best in the sense of what's healthiest for both of you? These are your primary concern and responsibility right now, and they have zero (0) correlation with what's on the calendar.

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New York City: Hi, Carolyn. I'm an attorney with a wonderful 16-month old little girl. I was laid off last October from a stressful, truly horrible job at a big law firm. Since then, I've been looking for work (unsuccessfully) and, for the last couple months, collecting unemployment. My husband is working and he makes a decent living, thank goodness, so we aren't in dire financial straits, at least not yet.

But here's the issue--we had to have a full-time babysitter when I was working long hours at the law firm. We kept her after I got laid off, expecting that I would get another job soon. And she IS in dire financial straits. She's the sole support for her three kids, she's had a lot of medical bills and other expenses and she barely makes ends meet. The odds are good that she can't find another job right now, at least not one that pays her as well as we do. I really like her, and she does a terrific job with my daughter. My little girl loves her, too.

But I'm getting very discouraged by my failure to get another job, and I'm seriously considering giving up the fruitless interviews and the whole search and becoming a stay at home Mom. I love my little girl and I think I'd enjoy staying home with her.

I'd feel guilty for abandoning my career, and it might even be irresponsible--my husband could lose his job in this economy (his industry isn't very stable). But mostly, I'm worried about our babysitter. I don't want her family to crash and burn, and she's living pretty close to the edge. We can barely afford to keep paying her as it is, but it is still doable, even if just barely.

How can I figure out which way to go? Any help is much appreciated.

Carolyn Hax: I don't usually advocate backing into decisions like this, but when you're really undecided about something, often it can help to let fate make your decision for you. In this case, you can encourage your babysitter to start looking for another job, with the understanding that she is to look until she finds a position that pays her well enough to justify leaving her job with you. Then you see what happens.

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Washington, DC: So what about verbal or emotional abuse? Is that always considered a gateway to physical? Should one also never forgive those first offenses? I once had an ex tell me, in response to me telling him that we didn't have any rope in the house when he needed to tie his car trunk shut, that I was completely worthless for everything and he walked out the door. I was crushed and devastated. Later on, he said he didn't even recall saying it.

Carolyn Hax: I don't think verbal abuse needs to be treated as a gateway to physical abuse in order to be taken seriously. Verbal abuse that never "escalates" beyond that is devastating in itself, especially over time. It's not even a matter of whether one "should" forgive those first offenses--if you think about it, it's astonishing anyone can. Someone who calls you worthless, to my mind, just had his last conversation with you, with the possible exception of making plans to retrieve one's stuff. It's a simple matter of no longer deserving another minute of your company.

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Valentine's Day: With all of these very serious issues coming up regarding Valentine's Day, I'll share a not-so-serious one. I work at a museum. Someone called yesterday and asked, "Are you open this Saturday, even though it's Valentine's Day?"

Carolyn Hax: Thanks for that.

I hope you said "no."

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Garrett Park, Md.: Hi Carolyn... been dating a guy for about 3 months now, and have noticed him pulling back over the last couple of weeks. Not sure why, since we are very fond of each other, get along great, and have a lot in common. I had a weird hunch yesterday to go online to the site where we met (and where I took down my profile when we decided to have an exclusive relationship) and lo and behold, he is still on, with activity in the last week. I'm hurt and disappointed. I don't know how to approach him with this, but I will not be a placeholder while he continues to look for a companion. I thought he already found one. Your thoughts?

Carolyn Hax: Break up. Rip the Band-Aid. You'll be so glad you did.

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To the Stay-at-Home Lawyer: Another option - leverage the freedom your babysitter gives you to strike out in a new direction! Pro-bono, charity, public assistance, etc... firms have tons of opportunities - and you'll have the flexibility to set your hours and be much more involved in your daughter's life. Self-fulfillment in many ways!

OK, so maybe for much, much less pay...

Carolyn Hax: Nice ideas, thanks.

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Wait, what?: Why should the husband be okay with that? I'd be horrified if I found out my husband was planning a trip to a strip club with his swingin' single male buddies. There are some things married people just don't do.

washingtonpost.com: In what way is a play with a brief flash of nudity the same as a strip club? -- Elizabeth

Carolyn Hax: In Controlville, they're with most other things, over The Line.

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Hypertension City : My boyfriend is on a diet and trying to drop 50 pounds. For V-Day, I want to cook him a big, delicious dinner to celebrate all the progress he's made--and also just because the dish I'm making is one of his favorite dinners. I don't mean it as sabotage, just a nice thing to do for him. Is this sort of morally wrong of me?

Carolyn Hax: If not morally wrong, then at minimum brazenly unsupportive. Make a big, delicious, -lean- dinner to show that you understand this is a lifetime change he has undertaken, and that you're willing to do the work to change your ways along with his.

It's a fairly common offering of food sites and magazines to re-make favorite recipes to cut the fat/sugar/calorie content. Submitting some of his favorites would be a great way to celebrate--not by tomorrow, but, as I said, the only useful "diet" is a lifelong adjustment, so there's no time pressure here except of the artificial kind.

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Mid-Atlantic: Our Dad, who lives in the same town as my sister, dated a woman for about a year. I gather that he grew distant and started pulling away from her for several weeks before breaking up with her. A few days before he broke the news to her, she called up my sister and said a bunch of very inappropriate things to her about my Dad, and tried to probe her for information. My sister was horrified and managed to fend her off. Shortly after my Dad told us he broke up with her, so my sister never said anything to him about it - she figured it was a moot point anyway. My Dad is VERY private about his personal life, and I know he'd be incredibly embarrassed if he knew what this woman said. Well, last week my Dad told us he's dating this woman again. My sister wants to pretend the whole thing never happened and stay out of it, but I'm wondering if someone should say something to him. Do we tell him and let him make his own judgements, or just stay out of it and let the relationship play out?

Carolyn Hax: This is going to seem like a technicality, but the woman didn't speak to you, she spoke to your sister. If you feel strongly that your dad would want to know, then you can try one more time to make the case to your sister. Otherwise, I believe you have to consider the matter closed, since your involvement here is strictly word of mouth.

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Controlling: How does one know if they are controlling? If my girlfriend wants to do something I am not comfortable with, I tell her I am not comfortable with it, but she is free to choose whether or not she wants to do it. If she chooses to do it, I don't hold it against her. Is that controlling?

Carolyn Hax: Nope, it doesn't seem that way at all. You mean it when you say she's free to choose. And, by not holding it against her when she makes a choice you wish she didn't, you're also indicating that you're mature enough to love the person as a whole, and not just as the result of a careful accounting of her every thought and action.

Obviously some people will make choices that you aren't comfortable with, and those choices will be bad enough to change the way you feel about the person as a whole. In those cases, though, the non-controlling person makes a decision--can I remain with this person, or not?--and makes peace with it, where the controlling person stays in the relationship and uses the "violation" as leverage at every chance s/he gets.

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Charlotte, NC: I'll be pregnant at my wedding with a baby that's not my groom's. He knows this, and so do all our close friends and family, but there will be many guests who don't. I felt sort of defiantly okay with this at the beginning stages of planning it, but as the date draws nearer, I am feeling more ashamed and panicky about having to answer to the stares and questions of a bunch of people I haven't seen in months or years. It's too late to move the date. My mother says I should send out a notice to all our invitees so no one will be blindsided. Would that be tacky, or an okay way to handle this?

Carolyn Hax: Maybe I'm missing something, but why does anyone there (who doesn't already know) have to know anything about your baby's paternity?

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Annoyed Neighbor in Washington, DC: Hi Carolyn Over the past 2 weeks, I have heard my neighbors screaming at each other, almost every day. It happens 2 or 3 times a day, sometimes more, sometimes late at night (12:30-1am), and sometimes really early in the morning (6am, 7am, 8am). I wonder if they have jobs. I work from home through most of the week and I am in school, so I am trying to concentrate but they're constant fighting makes it hard. I have also heard the husband yell, "You have to stop hitting me. It's the second time you've broken my glasses!" and "You're violent!" I also heard him yell he needed to go to the doctor. I don't hear what she says because he is just loud, but it sounds like she's the one in control. I now know a majority of their marital problems, while I don't even know their names. I have called the apartment front desk to complain, and they usually send someone over but it still continues. My friends and family have told me to call the police, but I hesitate to do that. Is that probably the best next step, and to file a complaint? Any other suggestions?

Carolyn Hax: Please call your local precinct/substation to get specific instructions on what to do when these fights occur. In D.C., there is a community policing program, so ask for the officer who handles that. Make it clear it's not a call to report something (this time), but instead to get guidance on what to report, when and to whom.

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Anywhere, VA: New York's question reminded me of something that's bothered me for a while.

My "boyfriend" (for lack of a more adult term) is older than I am, by a couple decades. When we go to parties or friendly get-togethers, he doesn't feel comfortable leaving me there alone. He says he was raised to see leaving one's girlfriend "unescorted" as rude or wrong behavior. So, if he wants to leave the party, I go too; or he stays longer than he wanted to and I feel bad for "making" him stay; or if he doesn't want to go to the party in the first place, I don't go. Not formal partnered dinner parties, either - I mean things like a midafternoon BBQ with mutual friends.

He says it's a gesture of respect and a sign of his upbringing; I say it's a little too close to saying I can't be trusted to socialize on my own. He says he is happy to stay later if I don't want to leave a party yet, but I think that's missing the point - I find it a little smothering that I shouldn't be left "alone" just because I'm female and attached. It hasn't come up too often, just due to circumstances, but every so often the whole thing runs through my mind and I'm uncomfortable all over again. I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Carolyn Hax: Make your position clear: that it may be a sign of his upbringing, but a sign of your upbringing is that you are perfectly comfortable at a party without an escort. On the other hand, you are not comfortable having your quirks of upbringing routinely overruled by his. It is not a big deal yet, but it becomes a big deal if he refuses to meet you halfway.

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Charlotte, NC: Because the people who don't know will make assumptions, I'm guessing, and will ask questions to which I'd rather not have to lie. But also the bigger problem is this whole thing makes my future husband very uncomfortable and I'd rather not subject him to a whole day of awkwardness about it. If people know ahead of time, I'd like to hope they will have the class not to mention it.

Carolyn Hax: What grounds would they have to make an assumption, though? I don't mean to be obtuse, it's just that when you see a man marrying a pregnant woman, "Who's the father?" isn't usually on the list of the Top 100 questions people think to ask.

So it might be that you're too close to it to see this, or there's a detail we don't have. Even with the detail, I'd like to hope people will have the class not to banter at a wedding about the bride's baby daddy. And if you do get a direct question, just agree on a few smiling non-answers beforehand. "Isn't it exciting?" Which, if it comes in response to, "Now, how did this happen, given that the groom was overseas for a year?" (or whatever), says "Butt out" in a way that's appropriate for the most elegant weddings.

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Boise, Idaho: Hi Carolyn -- Is it inappropriate for a parent to ask their adult children about their sex life? My boyfriend and I have recently decided to move in together. We have been together for well over a year now and feel it's the right move for us. When I told my mother, she immediately started asking us both why we would do such a thing, and started asking questions about our sex life. I feel that is information that is between me and my boyfriend, and no one else. I told her that was our business and she said, "I'm your mother so it's my business too." If I was a teenager still living at home I think she would have a fair argument, but I am an adult and have been out of my parents house for awhile now. How do I explain to her that there are boundaries and she doesn't need to know about our sex life? Or am I wrong and does she really have a right to know?

Carolyn Hax: Gack. It's not her business, and you "explain" that to her by not discussing your sex life with her. And if she presses, you say, "no, you're my mother but it hasn't been your business since I stopped being a minor."

That's the beauty of the egregious violations of privacy--they relieve you of the obligation to explain your reasoning.

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Arlington, Va.: My sister, husband and two kids (under the age of 5) want to visit from out of town. My boyfriend and I share a one bedroom apartment. My boyfriend smokes (our compromise in winter is that he can smoke in the bathroom with the fan on) and my sister obsessively can't stand smoke. He also works from home (in the dining room). My sister and her family want to stay with us. When I explained all the reasons why it's not feasible that they stay in our apartment and suggested they stay in a hotel she got angry at me and cancelled the trip. She claims (to my mom, she won't say it to me directly) that I'm selfish, rude, don't care about her, etc. I feel bad, but I also feel like I have legit reasons for them to not stay in our apartment for a weekend. Am I totally out of line?

Carolyn Hax: Is Feb. 13 Boundary Busting Day?

You had every right to ask them to stay somewhere else, and an explanation beyond, "I'm sorry, we don't have room for everyone," was purely optional. Had she not been family (or a really close friend) you wouldn't even have owed her that much.

But wait! There's more ...

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Washingon, D.C.: I have the opposite problem! My boyfriend and I are very much accepting of the "do your own thing" attitude. If a friend is getting married and he's never met her and he doesn't want to go to the wedding, I happily go on my own....and then have to constantly explain why just because my boyfriend doesn't attend every social event with me doesn't mean there's something wrong, or he doesn't love/respect me, etc!

Carolyn Hax: ghhujfgbg njn bnmj

(Actual forehead-to-keyboard contact.)

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Assumptions: I think she means they'll assume he's the father, and congratulate him - and that will make him uncomfortable.

I would doubt people would say much about it, but it's not so much that they'll be asking questions about who the father is, it's that they'll be making (incorrect) assumptions about parentage, and that's what will be embarrassing/problematic.

But, if that's it, isn't that something that's not only going to be an issue at the wedding, but thereafter? i.e., people will make all sorts of assumptions about parentage after the wedding as well? In other words, isn't this something that he/she will have to come to terms with - and not worry about what anyone else thinks?

Carolyn Hax: That's exactly why I didn't even consider this as the problem--because it's not one day, or just while she's pregnant, it's for the rest of this soon-to-be-husband-and-father's life.

So if that is what the bride and groom are upset about, then this is their prime opportunity to decide how, when and to whom they're going to tell the truth. This happens all the time with people in non-biological-parenting situations, and in situations where the baby and parent are of, say, different races. Some people, you will tell that you adopted or whatever, and sometimes you just say "Thanks" when a kind but unwitting bystander says your baby has your eyes when you know the baby doesn't have your eyes, or when the bystander looks at you too long trying to figure out the story.

In other words, this is all piffle when you compare it to the much bigger issue of (in this case) choosing to raise this baby, so as with all piffle you just dispatch it as cleanly as you can.

Of course, I'm assuming the bride and groom are, in fact, raising the baby. If they're placing it for adoption, then they need to brace for a whole other round of post-wedding, "How's the baby? questions.

Whooie.

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Things that make me go "Wha?!": Brief flashes of male nudity in the context of a story (i.e., a stageplay) are equivalent to strippers (i.e., a form of entertainment in which the removal of clothing is the whole point of the show)?

The appropriate way to celebrate a move to a healthier lifestyle/weight loss is to indulge in a large, possibly unhealthy meal?

Mom actually wants to know details of daughter's sex life?

People with colds are supposed to be quarantined?

I just don't understand the world I'm seeing today.

Carolyn Hax: As my kid would say, "Mean either!"

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Burnsville, MN: This is maybe in line with today's questions... When my large family gets together we usually spend an entire day together. This is really weird for my boyfriend and he'd prefer to keep it at a max of a few hours.

I get that he could leave before I do, but the drive is rather long and so we'd obviously prefer to drive together.

I hate leaving early because it's obvious that he just doesn't want to be there anymore and I don't want my family to be either resentful or feel that he is controlling me or running my life.

For the record: I LOVE being with them.

How do I balance his feelings/boredom with my concerns about how he appears and how I appear to my family?

Carolyn Hax: It is in line with (and now I have a better name for it, thank you) Out of Line's Day.

If he doesn't like spending all day with your family, and if you LOVE being with them, then he can either suck it up or stay home. Cheez. Being an adult, or even just acting like one, is not that hard.

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For Charlotte: Cancel the wedding. Seriously. I don't mean cancel the marriage, I mean cancel this ceremony, which you've already said is making both you and your future husband uncomfortable. A wedding is supposed to be a wonderful event for both of you. If it's not going to be, don't do it.

Carolyn Hax: Looks wildly reasonable to me. And, a much easier note to phrase.

Which reminds me--what phrasing, exactly, did the mother of the bride have in mind?

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Getting a Grip on Valentine's Day: Any advice for how the single with no prospects 30-something can get through this weekend without silently going postal?

Carolyn Hax: Welllll ... you can remind yourself that it's silly, and that it's celebrated with the most gusto by people under 7 years old ... which actually makes it very not silly, but you get what I mean.

And, if that doesn't stick, then I would suggest using tonight and tomorrow to reach out to people who could really use the attention you want so badly to receive. A local hospital, senior center, homeless shelter, food bank--place a few calls to see who'd be happy for a couple of extra hands. Even if tomorrow is too soon to plan for a visit, you can spend the day making/gathering/buying something to deliver next weekend.

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Suggestion for Burnsville, MN: Errands are your golden opportunity.

Who's going to complain if a "coffee" run ends up taking a little longer than he anticipated? Maybe a little detour to a book store?

Or offer to pick up groceries? "Forget" that you were supposed to bring a pie and then offer to run out to get it?

Come on people -- there are a lot of ways for your husband to shorten his exposure without being downright rude.

Carolyn Hax: It really is an endless list, thanks. He can even cook or do dishes to get a little time to himself.

And he's a boyfriend, not a husband--let's definitely not rush to promote this one.

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Re: I just don't understand the world I'm seeing today. : It -is- Friday the 13th after all.

Carolyn Hax: spoooookie ...

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Anywhere again: I haven't figured out how to meet in the middle, though. If I insist on staying until the dishes are done/the fireworks are over/etc, and tell him I will get my own ride home, then I'm ignoring his discomfort and doing what I want. If he insists on always waiting around or that I have to leave with him, he's doing the same to me. In this case I see my own view as more objectively correct, but of course I would, because I was raised that way.... I'm sure he sees his view as more objectively correct too.

I suppose technically I could ditch any guilt at him waiting around for me, and say "I'm doing X, and if you feel you have to wait around, that's your lookout"....but then I still feel just a tiny bit like I'm being kept on a leash. He asks why I mind him being there, and I guess the answer for me is that mandatory togetherness is too much.

Carolyn Hax: The middle is where you both realize that each choice you make will leave one of you uncomfortable, and therefore the only fair approach would be to mix it up so that one person isn't always the one who gets stuck feeling uncomfortable.

I'm actually proposing this against my strong impulse to take a harder line. The truth is, this "discomfort" each of you feels is -not- equivalent. He is uncomfortable with your independence. The equivalent discomfort would be with, say, his dependence. But that's not the case here. You are asking for autonomy and he is declining to grant it. That means you're the one (imho) with the standing to ask him to back off.

To put it another way, you mind his being there because it's what neither of you -wants- (he doesn't want to be at the party any more, and you don't want to be the only thing standing between him and home). Instead, it's what -he- thinks -you- need. And, yes, that is rightly your decision to make.

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New York, NY: Why not make a few valentines cards for veterans at a local VA hospital? Most of the guys that live there are widowers or don't have a lot of family/friends left. A card (or a visit, even better) makes a huge difference in their week.

Carolyn Hax: THAT'S IT. Thank you. Great idea. Or, start the process of getting cards or care packages to the people serving in Iraq/Afghanistan. You can either look up organizations that are doing this already, or you can get your own deal going, maybe with a local elementary school. Tons of ways to reach out. Thanks.

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Re: Parents Who Pry: Does your answer stay the same for questions about money as well? My father-in-law has asked us how much we make, whether we received a bonus (and how much), how much we paid for x and y, etc. The bad thing is that he also asks his friends what their kids make, etc. and beat us over our heads with that info. Not sure how to respond since he gets upset and sometimes hangs up on us for withholding info to which he feels he is entitled.

Carolyn Hax: That's your sign that you're doing the right thing, I'm afraid. Again, it's when people are reasonable that it gets tough to deny them something they want. As far as I;m concerned, bullies can get nothing and like it.

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Fairfax: My SO doesn't like the fact that I get angry. When I say I get angry, I don't mean violent, yelling, or breaking things. I mean I'm quiet, short with people, patience is at an end. I'd rather not talk to anyone at that point. It passes in a few minutes, and I almost immediately regret feeling like that. Probably occurs about 3 times a year when I feel like I just cannot take it anymore.

I'm worried my SO will view this as a big problem. I'm wondering what I can do to curb this persona I take on sometimes.

I think it most commonly occurs with or because of my SO. I've chalked it up to the fact that sometimes your SO just gets on that last nerve and you can't be around them. Once in a blue moon, a SO is just the most difficult person to deal with in the world.

Carolyn Hax: It's hard to tell from this short account which of you is pushing the other's buttons harder--getting short with people isn't the pinnacle of healthy expression, but neither is making an issue of something so non-catastrophic that happens a few times a year.

So I would suggest, next time you get irritable, that instead of going snippy, you say, "I need a few minutes." Then go, collect yourself, and come back un-snippy. That simple communication and emotion-management handles your part.

If he responds to that by pressing you, by not backing off for the few minutes, or by making you feel bad for needing them, then you'll know he contributes to the problem, too.

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Washington DC: According to the Mayo Clinic, hand sanitizer does kill both bacteria and viruses. From http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/hand-washing/HQ00407 :

"Alcohol-based hand sanitizers - which don't require water - are an excellent alternative to hand washing, particularly when soap and water aren't available. They're actually more effective than soap and water in killing bacteria and viruses that cause disease."

Carolyn Hax: You didn't say you liked me.

Thanks.

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30-something with no prospects: I understand the advice to look outside yourself when you are feeling lonely, but please don't dismiss the 30-something question as a matter of seeking attention. It's more anxiety than that -- it's worrying whether you will ever meet the right person, whether you will ever have the children you want, whether you'll be able to afford a home on a single income, etc. It can be a hopeless feeling (I was 30-something with no prospects once too). And Valentine's Day just makes it more in-your-face.

Carolyn Hax: I know. I do understand. But I think you misread my answer--I wasn't referring to attention-seeking of the look-at-me variety, I was referring to the loving attention of an Other. It's an ache for something you can't just go out and get. The best I can suggest, in those cases, is to give, which is something you can control. That's all I meant by it.

That, and to try to detach it from the holiday.

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Single and V-Day: I've always been single on Valentines Day. I've come to think of it like a Jewish holiday. I'm Catholic so I don't celebrate them but I think those who do should celebrate with gusto.

Carolyn Hax: Bravo. Thanks.

And on that note, I'm a-goin'. Thanks everybody, have a great weekend, and hope to see you here again next week.

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