Chatological Humor: The Big Fat Debate, Part 2 (UPDATED 2.20.09)

aka Tuesdays With Moron

Daily Updates: WED | THURS | FRI

Gene Weingarten's humor column, Below the Beltway, appears every Sunday in The Washington Post magazine. It is syndicated nationally by the Washington Post Writers Group.

At one time or another, Below the Beltway has managed to offend persons of both sexes as well as individuals belonging to every religious, ethnic, regional, political and socioeconomic group. If you know of a group we have missed, please write in and the situation will be promptly rectified. "Rectified" is a funny word.

On Tuesdays at noon, Gene is online to take your questions and abuse. He will chat about anything. Although this chat is updated regularly throughout the week, it is not and never will be a "blog," even though many persons keep making that mistake. One reason for the confusion is the Underpants Paradox: Blogs, like underpants, contain "threads," whereas this chat contains no "threads" but, like underpants, does sometimes get funky and inexcusable.

Submit your questions, comments and detritus before or during the show.

This Week's Poll (choose the appropriate door):

Door 1: Men -- Normal Weight

Door 2: Men -- Overweight

Door 3: Women -- Normal Weight

Door 4: Women -- Overweight

Important, secret note to readers: The management of The Washington Post apparently does not know this chat exists, or it would have been shut down long ago. Please do not tell them. Thank you.

Weingarten is also the author of "The Hypochondriac's Guide to Life. And Death," co-author of "I'm with Stupid," with feminist scholar Gina Barreca and "Old Dogs: Are the Best Dogs," with photographer Michael S. Williamson.

New to Chatological Humor? Read the FAQ.

P.S. If composing your questions in Microsoft Word please turn off the Smart Quotes functionality or use WordPad. I haven't the time to edit them out. -- Liz

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Gene Weingarten: Good afternoon.

There are hundreds of posts awaiting that expound on the condition of being overweight, the bottomless depth of my insensitivity and cruelty, the infantile nature of my sense of humor (as the poll shows, there is near unanimity on this!) and, to a lesser degree, the whiny self-pity and/or political correctness involved in objecting to a photo that is indisputably -- via every convention that has defined humor from the time the first Mesopotamian lit a fart -- a total hoot.

I am only going to post a few of these comments, because I don't want this to become an unfunny chat filled with yet more anguish for those who find this topic too painful. I have to conclude that since a plurality of you found that photo unfunny, the issue of whether it should have been published becomes moot. A plurality of you think it should have been, but you're wrong. If it wasn't funny, it wasn't worth the pain. I was wrong.

There is a "but," however, and it is a big but.

But why did so many of you -- not an audience known for being timid or unsure of yourselves -- declare yourselves uncertain of whether the photo was funny or not? As of this morning, the "unsure" total was almost 20 percent. I have a theory, but I'd like to hear yours, first.

Anyway, to those who felt misused by the photo of the fat lady, I offer this by way of apology. It surely does indicate changing priorities in our culture, doesn't it?

--

The other day, Pat the Perfect mentioned the word "ensemble," and I teased her for lapsing into French. She replied that this word is no longer French. This led to a long, sometimes intemperate discussion about what makes a word of foreign origin become a part of the English language -- is it mere frequency of use, or are subtler criteria involved? This leads to today's INSTAPOLL. (Pat and I disagree on the answer. I will explain why I am right later on.)

---

Because my aching knees no longer permit me to walk casually to my basement office, I do much of my work these days sitting in my dining room, using a laptop. This means that a power cord drops off my dining room table to a nearby wall socket, which means that I have to be careful in getting up and walking away from the table, lest I catch a foot in the cord and bring the computer crashing to the floor, which is what happened a couple of weeks ago.

The right side of my screen now looks exactly like a Ralph Steadman painting, almost precisely like this one.

And every day a few more spidery lines show up. I am mentioning this only because I think it has added to my writing an additional measure of angst, crankiness, and existential fear of death, to which I entirely attribute the egregious error of having published the fat-lady photo. I suppose I will have to get a new screen for my laptop, but confess to kind of enjoying this.

--

James Raley sent in this fabulous headline. I had to scan the story twice to realize what this was all about: Waking Dead at Home Carries Infection Risk, Experts Warn.

--

And here is a headline from the Raleigh News and Observer, sent in by Susan Thompson, who begged me to include it in this chat so that she could enter it in a Style Invitational contest based only on headlines published in The Post or on washingtonpost.com, which, as of this moment, it has been: Charlotte Catholic Girls Dominate.

---

The Clip of the Day was submitted by Kate Rears. I remain opposed to all things wedding, but would encourage my son to marry any of these women in a heartbeat. This, ladies and gentlemen, is the perfect wedding video.

Please take today's poll, because as of this morning I had not received enough abuse yet:

Door 1: Men -- Normal Weight

Door 2: Men --

Overweight

Door 3:

Women -- Normal Weight

Door 4:

Women -- Overweight

The CPOW is Sunday's... Blondie!!!! Yes, it might be Depression-era humor, but it made me laugh. First Runner-Up is Sunday's Brewster Rockit. Honorables: Today's Candorville. Thursday's Orange, Thursday's Brewster. Can someone please tell me if Sunday's Prick City has any humor behind it that I am missing? Can it possibly be as moronic as it seems to be?

Let's go.

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Springfield, VA: In regards to your laptop accident, this is for you, Gene.

Gene Weingarten: Arrrgh. Right on point.

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Philadelphia, Pa.: A friend will hold you when you need to be held. A true friend will hold you when you need to go to the bathroom. I am not sure what type of friend is who says "let me videotape this and put it on youtube."

Gene Weingarten: It was clearly the bride's idea. The videographer was a guy, and I think a pro.

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Fatties: Gene, Don't beat yourself up. These poll-takers are full of crap. You know they think it's just as hilarious as we do. We all know it's funny. They just don't have the balls to admit it. Why do you think "The Biggest Loser" has been such a big hit on TV? It's not because people love the heartwarming story of people overcoming huge obstacles to become healthy again. It's because fat people crying is hilarious. And they cry ALL THE TIME. (Why is that, BTW? Maybe you should investigate.)

Gene Weingarten: I see.

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Arlington, Va.: It's the simplest reason in the world why you posting that photo was offensive: You posted it to laugh at someone for being fat.

That's really all it comes down to, isn't it?

I am not an easily offended person. In fact, I don't think I've ever been offended by anything you've said. And I'm not overweight. It's just that this simply makes you look like a pig who thinks it's okay to mock women for their body shape. And you know what? That is never okay.

Gene Weingarten: Okay, wait a minute!

Is it because it was a woman???

Is

this

funny?

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Overweight and Norm, AL: Gene, I didn't take the poll because I don't even know which one to take. I'm a 28-year-old guy, 5'10" and 195. I'm considered overweight by charts in my doctor's office and I'm a dozen or two pounds over what I'd consider to be my healthiest weight (because of my body type, not just my height and weight). And yet, I think I'm about average weight for guys my height in America. Overweight IS normal, and the fact that you drew a dichotomy between those two terms in your poll labeling is a symptom of the unhealthy ways we handle and think about weight in this country.

Gene Weingarten: Well, I wanted people to self-diagnose. This was not about who is overweight so much as whether people THINK they are overweight.

I am your height and weigh 20 pounds less. I consider myself a little overweight. That doesn't mean I am, or that you are, for that matter.

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Aptonym: The name of the rail company that posted the sign is quite suitable: The World, (AP, Feb. 17)

washingtonpost.com: I think that story may contain the worst graphic ever made.

Gene Weingarten: There have to be worse graphics than that.

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Washington, D.C.: I have an English cousin who is a nurse. She told me that Lady Diana had a catheter inserted on her wedding day to avoid the problems in your CLOD video. I think this is a wedding service niche that would do well. Can you imagine the ads in Martha Stewart's magazine?

Gene Weingarten: Wow. Can that possibly be true???

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Arlington: Hi Gene, I'm a week late on this, but I wanted to point something out that really stuck in my craw. When Katie Couric was interviewing Captain Sullengerger from Flight 1549 on 60 Minutes, she asked him if he prayed during the whole ordeal.

First of all, kudos to Sully for answering that no, he didn't, because he figured there was enough praying going on back in the cabin.

But there's a part of me that snapped during that point of the interview, because, believer or nonbeliever, who in the world would think that it would be a good idea to take a break from all the work he needed to do to essentially make a wish? It's been driving me crazy since and I was hoping to see what you thought.

Gene Weingarten: I missed the interview, but that sounds like an idiotic question. He had about two minutes to bring a plane down in the Hudson River.

I don't think a French interviewer would have asked that question.

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Alexandria, Va.: Fat: the last acceptable prejudice. Thanks for making me feel worse about myself than I already do, Gene.

Gene Weingarten: Wait... we're past that. We have admitted error!

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Cognates: Modern English is full of cognates, for good reason. Sometimes, other cultures express concepts more succinctly, more elegantly. I see no reason why we should draw the line at any of those words, particularly those that express concepts that are more difficult to express in English. Schadenfreude is an excellent example. I agree that those words and phrases for which there is an existing English version can come across as pretentious. "Tete-a-tete" could be just as easily expressed in English as head-to-head or one-on-one.

The English speaking world has been stealing from the French and German since before the Battle of Hastings. Why stop now? Because it upsets your delicate sensibilities? Sometimes, the "foreign" word is the best choice. Why not use it?

The day you begin referring to "sushi" as "Japanese-fish-and-rice-and-seaweed-stuff" is the day I stop using the word Schadenfreude.

Gene Weingarten: No, I am not opposed to using these words. I am just saying that in some cases we should recognize it remains a foreign word. Explanation follows.

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Gene Weingarten: Okay, the Instapoll.

Pat essentially believes these are all English words now. I do not. I think that to become a part of our language, it has to meet two criteria other than ubiquity of use.

1. We have to have appropriated it in some way, by changing either its meaning (rendezvous suggests romance in English, but not in French) or its pronunciation. (We pronounce Schadenfreude differently, and ensemble, and verboten and angst and bouquet.)

2. It can't sound pretentious when we say it. This is a matter of ear. "Pied a terre" does not sound like it is ours. Or kvetch or zeitgeist or savoir-faire.

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Not funny: The photo of the woman walking up the stairs was not funny. She had not put herself in a position that could be considered humorous - she was walking up stairs.

The guy on the bike put himself in a position that could be considered humorous, and it's likely he's aware of that.

Gene Weingarten: Okay. So you contend a fat guy from the rear is never funny?

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Houston, Texas: I answered "not sure" to the question of whether the photo was funny. While I laughed when I first saw it, it was not because I thought it was funny, but more because it was grotesque. (sort of like, "oh my god, can you believe that?" followed by a chuckle) I was conflicted because after thinking about it, I don't find the condition of the person in the picture to be funny at all. I actually feel sorry for that person.

Gene Weingarten: Exactly. You found it funny, then felt guilty.

That is my theory to explain the I don't knows. It's human.

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Laurel: Alexandria, Va.: Fat: the last acceptable prejudice.

Wrong! 99 percent of the time one CHOOSES to be fat, unlike black, handicapped or bald.

Gene Weingarten: Uh, I would not call it a choice. It may be something which over you have lost control, but it is not a choice.

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Borrowing: Gene - Words are considered to have become English words once they have been incorporated into the language to the extent that they follow English grammatical rules. Espresso is a good example. We talk about "two espressos" rather than "espressi," which is the Italian plural.

This reminds me of a favorite quote of mine from James Nicoll: "The problem with defending the purity of the English language is that English is about as pure as a cribhouse whore. We don't just borrow words; on occasion, English has pursued other languages down alleyways to beat them unconscious and rifle their pockets for new vocabulary."

Gene Weingarten: Very nice!

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Ge, NE: I've met you and you are positively THIN - the only thing fat on you are your curls - honestly!! I was not offended by the pic - its been up on FunPics for ages - I think the photo angle has made the subject look bigger, too. I consider myself overweight but I don't think in reality I am since I wear a size 8. The first thing I noticed about the man on the little bike was the tire inflation!! i heart you and the tattoo'd lady.

Gene Weingarten: I look a bit fatter than I am because I have a big ol flabby face.

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Arlington, Virginia: I know you don't normally discuss car-chase videos on this chat, but this one seemed apropos:

Gene Weingarten: This is excellent!

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Ann Arbor, Mich.: Regarding the photo subject of your poll, how is that different from a picture of somebody with down syndrome? In both, the subject of the photo looks different from the typical person.

Gene Weingarten: Oh, please.

I'm willing to say that I shouldn't have linked to that photo. I'm not willing to take an absurd position like this.

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Alexandria, VA: Hi,

No, Prickly City wasn't funny, and did you leave the "ly" off your link intentionally, or Freudian slip of a sort?

Gene Weingarten: I always call it Prick City, because of its politics. Been doing that for years.

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Anonymous: Good Lord, the women who read your chat have no sense of humor. (Except me, apparently.) I just cannot believe that the majority of women, overweight or not, do not find that picture humorous! Come on! The woman's butt is 5 feet wide! That is so far outside the norm, of course it's funny! Something that I am really curious about, though: Would it be funny to you women if the picture was of a man?

Gene Weingarten: I tried to find out. I just image googled "man with big butt" and big-butted man, and huge a-- man, etc. Every single picture, for pages deep, is female porn.

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Arlington, VA: Gene, my boyfriend and I are getting married in May. We're planning on a short, simple ceremony for our loved ones to revel in the magic of our union. We're not big on mushiness, cheesiness, religiousness.. so we are coming to you. Can you point us to a simple poem or passage that my cousin can read for our single reading? We'd like it to be about love. Thank you!!

Gene Weingarten:

Here are two by one of my favorite poets, Piet Hein:

The lilacs are flowering, sweet and sublime,

with a perfume that goes to the head;

and lovers meander in prose and rhyme,

trying to say --

for the thousandth time --

what's easier done than said.

---

Love is like a pineapple,

Sweet and undefine-apple.

--

he also wrote this, which is off point but fine:

Why do bad writers

win the fight?

Why do good writers

die in need?

Because the writers

who can't write

are read by the readers

who can't read.

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Only Real Surprise: Is that any chatter thought a picture of a fat person would motivate anyone to eat better. Who are these people? If someone showed them a picture of a man eating dog poop while sitting on piles of money, would they eat dog poop? If you think that's a false tautology and that eating well is as rewarding as eating a plate of cheese fries, I mourn for you. It may be in the long run, but then again, eating dog poop to become rich would probably be rewarding in the long run, too.

Gene Weingarten: Well, that surely would not have been my answer, but isn't there a subtle deterrent effect out there? I always thought there was some cleverness to the joke diet in which you could eat as much as you want and as often as you want, but everything must be consumed naked in front of a full-length mirror. That would deter me!

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FOR LIZ: When I submit a question/comment, after I click "submit" it takes me to a blank page. Always. If I refresh that page, I get the chat. Are my posts getting through?

washingtonpost.com: Yep. Anyone else having this problem?

Gene Weingarten: ?

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Than, KS: You know, sometimes the big brother filters make it impossible to watch the clips of the day or other images from work. I'm fine with that. But to center your poll on one of those, thus making your chat (more)incomprehensible? Not cool.

Jerk.

Gene Weingarten: Porkface.

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Funkytown, Literally: Gene, You've got to help me. We are living with my mother-in-law while our house is being built. The problem is that she doesn't bathe much, often using body spray as a substitute, if anything. And it's not just body odor - there's also an overpowering hint of urine. My husband has tried to hint around to her that her odor is a problem, but she just isn't getting it. The (only) bathroom has to be sprayed down before you can stand to go in after her, even when she just goes in to comb her hair. And you can't walk past her bedroom door without holding your breath. I don't feel comfortable saying anything to her because her feelings get hurt over very small things. I have gotten my own hamper and keep it in our bedroom so that my clothes never come in contact with hers, but anytime my husband does laundry, he always mentions how much the hamper stinks and asks her what is on her clothes. She claims she does not know and goes on about her day. Gene, this is disgusting. There is a recliner in the living room that we don't dare go near because it is the one she always sits in. Please tell me how we can help her to see that her olfactory senses and her hygiene are lacking!!

Gene Weingarten: Wow.

I like your place name.

This suggests a mental disorder, no?

Unfortunately, I think the only solution here is one that will cause embarrassment and pain. Your husband needs to tell her he is worried about her mental health -- normal people attend to their hygiene, and she does not attend to hers.

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Calvin, Hobbes: Thanks for the C&H sunday strip in the updates - I had forgotten just how good that strip was. I need to go buy one of the collection books and keep it in my toilet to read.

The glory days of comics may have been when I was in college - C&H, Bloom County, and Doonesbury - all together. I believe our college newspaper ran all three daily.

Gene Weingarten: You forget The Far Side. Same era. Liz, can you re-link to the C&H I linked to in the updates last week?

Gene Weingarten: See how prescient this was.

washingtonpost.com: Calvin & Hobbes

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Arlington, Va.: This appeared in a Wall Street Journal article this week, about a reporter-turned-strip-club-manager:

Soon afterward, he was visiting Israel when the war with Hezbollah in Lebanon broke out, and to his surprise he found himself disinterested in covering it.

Gee, I used to think that being an impartial observer (the true meaning of "disinterested") was a plus for a reporter. Have we officially lost the battle on this one, as it has become synonymous with "uninterested"?

washingtonpost.com: Reporter Faces Naked Truth, (WSJ, Feb. 13)

Gene Weingarten: I have a soft spot for Michael Precker. He was the first journalist to review "The Hypochondriac's Guide to Life. And Death."

washingtonpost.com: Hypochondriacs Take Needling in New Book, (Dallas Morning News, Oct. 1998)

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Cruel: I can't believe you posted that again. That's a real person, you know, and now all the cruel people who've been making fun of her since that photo debuted on the internet are now screaming with laughter over the fact that she's the subject of discussion in a national newspaper (web site, whatever). Those of you who say it's ok because she's not identifiable - that's because YOU DON'T KNOW HER. Hundreds or thousands of people probably DO know her, they DO recognize her, and here you are ridiculing her proportions in a public forum again. You're a bunch of unprintable unprintables.

Gene Weingarten: THOUSANDS of people know who she is?

You know, I bet no more than 20 people know who she is, and, statistically, I doubt any read this chat. Any guilt I am feeling is not because we are laughing at the expense of a particular person.

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Latvianhum, OR: Thought you'd enjoy this.

Gene Weingarten: This are GREAT.

Warning to easily offended/humor-impaired. Extremely surreal jokes about rape, murder, etc.

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Bikini Atoll: Wow, Gene & Chatwoman, that's a brave poll.

I'm a petite woman, I've never been fat but I have occasionally been a bit overweight for my height. Whenever that's happened and I can't comfortably get into my jeans anymore, I diet to get back to a weight I'm happier with (i.e. slim). I can understand the extra few pounds or going up a dress size or two - I've been there and will no doubt go there again. What I don't understand is how someone (in the absence of a serious glandular problem or whatever) can get to the size of the woman in the photo. And whether the photo is funny or not - I wasn't sure - why shouldn't you be able to post it? Why do we have to be so sensitive about really fat people? Because I'm guessing most of them got that fat not because of thyroid problems or what-have-you, but because they have no self-control. Why can we joke about everything else but not them?

I know I risk the ire of the entire (female) chat audience by saying that. But I'm really, really sick of over-sensitive, seriously fat people.

Gene Weingarten: Bikini Atoll! Very good place name.

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Gene Weingarten: Okay, we are about to conduct a psychological experiment. Another instapoll. Please all be honest. I would expect no less.

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washingtonpost.com: Another photo.

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catheter -- no way: The Diana-catheter thing has got to be a myth. I had a catheter once, for two days, and even with morphine (which dulled my other discomforts nicely) the catheter was agonizing whenever I shifted position.

No way would someone would be up, walking around and smiling with one in.

Gene Weingarten: I also think we all would have heard about this long ago.

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Alexandria, Va.: What I don't get is the sheer number of people who think a woman with that large of a butt is abnormal. Do you walk around staring at the ground? Do you ever notice the people around you? Because I see it all the time- and almost every time I revel in the fact that no matter what size the butt, there are apparently jeans made for it. Who would have thought.

Gene Weingarten: Uh, okay. There may be some people like that. But they are abnormal.

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Oella, Md.: Gene, what do you call the line after an op-ed that tells you who the author was?

And can "The writer is president of the United States." ever be topped?

Gene Weingarten: It was so cool.

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New York, NY: "I had to scan the story twice to realize what this was all about"

Do you mean you had to SKIM the story twice? The proper definition of "scan" is to investigate thoroughly, or to examine point-by-point. It is the opposite of "skim," not a synonym. Unfortunately, people have been misusing the word for so long (see also, imply/infer), that the bastardized definition has now found its way into dictionaries.

I'm very disappointed in you, Gene.

Gene Weingarten: Hm.

I that is true, I am very, very ashamed.

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Arlington, VA: Why not look at it as an ispirational picture? Instead of taking an elevator she has decided to take the stairs.

Gene Weingarten: Haha.

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Midcall: Just curious, do you ever have to use the loo whilst chatting with us, the mongers? I have to void myself something fierce, but am in the midst of a mandatory telecon. It's tortuous and would merit a onetime exception to the phones in the can rule, had I a wireless phone. How do you do with doo while doing this stuff?

Gene Weingarten: It's never happened.

"I have to void myself" doesn't sound great, dude.

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Washington, D.C.: Yesterday, I read the Gene Pool post about your Battle Mountain article from 2001. It just so happens that NBC News ran a story about the town's good fortune last night, in case you're interested.

Gene Weingarten: I saw that. It was the first article/story about Battle Mountain that I've seen since 2001 that didn't mention I had called it The Armpit of America.

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Pronunciati, ON: SHAH-den-froy-duh. That's how it's pronounced in both German and English, right? I learned it in German class in high school and have been proudly saying it that way for a decade now, so please let me know if I should be embarrassed.

Oh, also, I'm a woman who's about 40 lbs. overweight and I wasn't offended by the picture at all. Big oddly-shaped booties are funny.

Gene Weingarten: Yeah, but we've turned it into SHAH-den-froyd.

Also, we lose the last French syllable on ensemble.

We've turned em English.

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Washington, D.C.: One problem with the new photo instapoll: It doesn't compare to the other one. This new one is funny because his crack is showing, not because he's fat. There's a difference, so the comparisons between man-woman are not the same.

For the record, I am overweight and found them both funny...and then just sad.

Gene Weingarten: I argue that the crack is the equivalent of the woman's side-to-side remarkableness.

But you're not finding him funny either, so I withdraw. Subject is done.

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Glute, US: How do you defend someone who, seriously, must eat a whole large pizza and a pint of whole milk per meal to maintain that figure? It's like feeling sorry for people who get short-term girlfriends' names tattooed in visible places (multiple times!), or take up heroin for recreation and get the hep, or who get cancer from years of tanning bed use, or whose faces collapse after years of frivolous cosmetic surgery. These people are messed up by CHOICE, and not only that, but it takes effort and significant capital outlay to reach that state. The woman in that picture put years of dedicated gluttony into creating her comedic proportions, and not only that, but she maintains that effort in the face of a mountain of medical information showing that her habits are not only self-destructive, but harmful to the rest of the world. She is both goofy-looking and part of the problem, and I'm supposed to feel bad for laughing at her fun-house mirror posterior? No, sir or ma'am, I don't think so. You can pretend that that physique is not grotesque and unnatural if it makes you feel better, but that runs counter to objective truth, and the minute you condemn others for not partaking in your delusion, you are way over the line.

Gene Weingarten: This was, essentially, my position prior to last week. I think the flaw in this is that this particular woman is the victim of her own eating, but also of a fat-distribution dysfunction that is not of her doing. It has a name: bitrochanteric lipodystrophy, and it is mostly for this reason that I think I was wrong to publish it.

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To Funkytown: If your mother-in-law is elderly, I would seriously consider the possibility of Alzheimer's disease. My grandmother behaved the same way, and it turned out to be an early symptom of Alzheimer's. There are drugs out there that can manage the symptoms for a while. It's heartbreaking, I know.

Gene Weingarten: Yeah. I think they need to step in as though this is a mental crisis.

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MIL Hygiene: Talk to her doctor first. Maybe this can come from a professional source (maybe easier than from her son.)

Gene Weingarten: Good idea, but I couldn't figure out a way to get the doc to come to her.

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Richmond, Va.: I have a great Ralph Steadman story for you. At some point he was in town doing a book signing for his illustrated version of "Animal Farm" (it's so amazing). He was giving each signature a unique ink-blot and a fan came up and said "do something really crazy to mine!" So Steadman took out his lighter and set it on fire.

Gene Weingarten: Excellent. I have that Animal Farm book. It is brilliant.

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Just Win Baby, Va.: Gene, Sunday's Post carries the engagement announcement of Elizabeth Nguyen to Tri Nguyen. Clearly, this is a Nguyen- Nguyen situation for both parties.

Gene Weingarten: Very nice!

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Old Lady Stink: The poor woman is incontinent and is unable or unwilling to admit it plus who knows what. Get her to a doctor under any pretense.

Gene Weingarten: See how we have turned a corner in this chat? From morbid obesity to incontinence.

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Alexandria, Va.: The presidential ranking is out already.

W was not as bad as some thought apparently; however, Nixon's place is a little scary.

What's your take on this?

Gene Weingarten: Nixon is too high, Johnson is too high, Kennedy is waaaay too high. Truman is too high. Cleveland should be higher.

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Re opening things and, er, packages: The final item in your column reminds me a question I (as a young single man) have long wanted to know the answer to. How many many-years-married men are there who use condoms? Is it true, as George Costanza once said, that they are primarily for bachelors, or are we (at least until the vasectomy) cursed for life?

Gene Weingarten: I think it's a rarity that married men use condoms.

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Completely Anonymous: Dear Gene,

I have a weird thing. When I am stressed I have constipation, sometimes badly. The disturbing part is that when I am blocked I dream about pooping. Really. Trying to find a bathroom, running out of toilet paper and even having to plunge a clog. So far this disturbs me but I will find it funny soon, right?

Gene Weingarten: Plunge a clog!

I love this chat.

Yes, you will find this funny.

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Latvia: Fat Latvian walk into bar. Bartender say nothing because he is from hunger hallucinating.

Gene Weingarten: Is this a whole genre of joke of which I was unaware?

My hypochondria book was translated into Latvian. And it's pretty depressing!

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Pat the Perfect, ME: The first two definitions of "scan," from dictionary.com:

1. to glance at or over or read hastily: to scan a page. 2. to examine the particulars or points of minutely; scrutinize.

Gene Weingarten: Wow. It's almost self-contradictory, like inflammable.

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Washington, D.C. via the Midwest: I have never heard anyone pronounce either ensemble or schadenfreude without the last syllable. Who are you talking to that does this? Is it a New York thing? For the record, I assumed the mispronunciation you were talking about with ensemble was making the last syllable sound like "bull" instead of "bluh".

washingtonpost.com: I'm with this guy.

Gene Weingarten: Yes, I was being imprecise with ensemble. We say On Som bill. They say On Som Bleh.

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Reston, Va.: "We're planning on a short, simple ceremony for our loved ones to revel in the magic of our union."

Give me a break. To revel in the magic of your union? Please elope!

Gene Weingarten: Give ME a break. That was written ironically.

We need an irony punctuation mark for the clueless.

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So What About Laurel and Hardy: Fat and skinny, no longer funny? What's his name from the same era with the big nose (ha-cha-cha-cha-cha)out of bounds? John Candy? Help me to understand where this new line is. Cops eating doughnuts?

Gene Weingarten: Jimmy Durante.

Every single fat comic uses his weight as a punchline. There IS something sad about that.

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Condo, MS: We are married three years now, we use them every time. I think he will get a vasectomy by 2015.

Gene Weingarten: Hm. Well, okay. I am not gonna ask the obvious question.

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Presidential Ranking: Yeah that William Henry Harrison sucked as President. For a whole month !

Gene Weingarten: People who insist on ranking him are ridiculous. He was never president. He was incapacitate from day four.

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Prez rankings: WHY is Kennedy always ranked so high? I turn to your wisdom, Gene, to explain it. The only thing we learned about him in history class (and I'm 26) was the "Camelot" thing and the Bay of Pigs. What am I missing?

Gene Weingarten: People are giving too much credit to the Camelot thing. But remember the Cuban Missile Crisis; he looked good there, though he gave away Cuba.

He got us started in Vietnam, too.

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Wow. It's almost self-contradictory, like inflammable. : and moot!

Gene Weingarten: Moot is self-contradictory?

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So I'm Fat, Big De, AL: Is it me, or is Washington DC the world capital of people who are too quick to take offense? Some people seem to be "professionally" offended at everything.

My all-time favorite was a nasty former neighbor who hurled insults about my physical appearance at me. Years later, I saw her on TV, and learned she was a spokesperson for one of the anti-defamation leagues.

Gene Weingarten: When I was growing up in N.Y., there was a crusader for civil rights who once referred to "Polacks." She thought that was the real term for a Polish person.

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New York, NY: Me again. Check out the "word history" re "scan."

Pat's second definition was the original one. The bastardized definition has become so popular that it's now listed as the first definition in many dictionaries. Ugh.

This has bothered me ever since I was ten years old and I read an Encyclopedia Brown mystery, which he solved by realizing that someone who should have known better misused the word "scan."

Gene Weingarten: Okay.

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We are married three years now, we use them every time: Talk to your doctor! There are much more enjoyable and reliable options! At not cost to your health!

Gene Weingarten: This sort of mystifies me, to tell the truth.

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Trampoli, NE: The dead-tree edition of Sunday's Prickly City had the word "trampoline" in it - that's missing from the intartube version in your link. It explains the joke, but does not save it.

Gene Weingarten: But it still makes no sense, does it? It's a joke about falling off a trampoline? Does anyone see any other meaning in this?

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WH Harrison: But maybe we can consider him the control group. You know the old line "well he was better than nothing". The ranking shows us that there were a few presidents who were worse than nothing.

Gene Weingarten: Okay, good point!

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Political question with a Hax twist: Almost one month into the Obama Administration, I'm hearing from various friends that he's failed already. Now, I know they obviously never supported him, so it's partly to be expected, but can this be explained by anything but racism? If you're an R and just don't like him, fine. But the amount of/intesity of backlash feels different. So, are my friends racist? Or am I feeling like the Bush supporters who were confused by people like me who hated Bush immediately? I probably cut him two years worth of slack after 9-11, but that's about it.

Gene Weingarten: Obama has had an amazing first month, with enormous accomplishments of a very real and important nature. With a few executive orders, he has erased some terrible policies of the Bush administration. He has passed an enormous stimulus package that he threw the weight of his presidency behind.

Where he has failed is in symbolic things, and these are the things always dear to Republicans. The parade of tax scofflaws into his cabinet looks awful. It really does. It doesn't amount to much in terms of anything lasting -- his vetting team screwed up -- but it looks crappy, and it gives critics a chance to say Obama believes in tax cheats.

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The Mendoza Line for Presidents: I think the Harrison Line should be the standard for presidential ineptness. Coming in behind a guy who died a month after taking office (and never really was President) is just about the equivalent of not being able to hit .200.

Gene Weingarten: Yes this was the last person't point. I like it.

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Greater Green Bay WI: Well, of COURSE WH Harrison is ranked low. He made only one decision as president - to give a long speech on a wintry day - and botched it. That's batting .000 and you can't get any lower without losing a nuclear war.

Gene Weingarten: I think he also purchased a cow for the White House. My memory is that that was his one official act.

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Words Needed : One person involved romantically with two others is in a love triangle.

What should we call it when it's one person involved with three others? I'm in HR and came across one of these that resulted in complaints by the parties against the others at work.

Love Quadrangle doesn't seem right - that should be a 70's sitcom pilot. So for the time being I'm thinking of it as love triangle plus one (borrring).

Would you come up with something better?

Gene Weingarten: I don't know. But I am trying to envision a Love Dodecahedron.

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Kenne, DE: Kennedy did not "give away" Cuba, any more than Truman "lost" China. They were not ours to begin with, we just thought they were.

Kennedy is overrated as a politician because he (and Jackie) had so much social impact. Also because he actually tried to do something (I hate the word 'proactive'. It reminds me of the condom discussion. And is too wienie a word to have been stolen from any other language.) Eisenhower had more of a managing director approach to governing, while Kennedy, in trying to actually do something, deepened our involvement in Vietnam beyond all recognititon.

Gene Weingarten: He "gave away" Cuba in the sense that we signed an agreement never to invade. I think that strengthened Castro against internal dissent.

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Philadelphia, Pa.: Is it even fair to compare 19th century presidents with those from the 20th and 21st centuries. Wouldn't most agree that the job has gotten significantly harder, other than the enormous work of establishing, then maintaining the union itself. Most of the others were, if they were "good," expanding the union. None had to worry about serving as leader of the free world. Lincoln, Washington, Jefferson, Jackson deserves their places. But I think the job description changed considerably for the past hundred years...

Gene Weingarten: True enough.

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WH Harrison: Isaac Asimov said that Harrison might have survived the pneumonia; but that no one could survive the constant attention of a team of 1840s doctors.

Gene Weingarten: One of my favorite footnotes in the hypochondria book was about the death of one of the King Charleses. (The first, maybe?) He was essentially bled and vomited to death by his doctors. They also drilled holes in his head.

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Arlington, Va.: The love poem for my wedding - I love it! I'm going to use it, thank you!!!

Gene Weingarten: Yay!

We'll end on that note. Updates as usual. Next week as usual. Thank y'all. An unusually high number of questions today, I think because so many of you were pissed off at me.

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UPDATED 2.18.09

Big-butted man: Remember Joe Piscopo's "wideass" character (and the rest of the family)? From an unfunny era in SNL, that bit always made me laugh.

Gene Weingarten: Actually this was not Piscopo, and it was from a funny era. The full family consisted, at various times, of Elliot Gould, Gilda Radner, Dan Aykroyd, John Belushi, and Jane Curtin. The were the Widette Family.

Gene Weingarten: Here are two stills: ONE | TWO. Please note that this objects of extreme comedic ridicule are far smaller than our lady on the stairs.

And here's a script from season four.

Gene Weingarten: There's also this SNL skit from just last week.

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What's in a Na, ME: Have we ever established what the opposite of an aptonym is called? Check out the manager's name in the eighth paragraph.

Gene Weingarten: Superior. In the Inaptonym Hall of Fame.

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Anonymous: Of course when reading your column on Sunday I thought about all the packaging I hate but I won't go into them instead I wanted to ask if you call "beer can punchs" "church keys"? I do and wondered if you knew where it came from.

Gene Weingarten: I do, and did. Two editors of the column (youths, compared to me) did not know the term. So I changed it.

Liz, can you link to a picture of a church key?

The term is believed to be ironic.

washingtonpost.com: Here's the wikipedia entry, which includes a pic.

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Washington, D.C.: You know, Gene, I've been reading this chat for quite some time and have read your column sporadically. Although there have been some funny moments, for the most part I think those moments have passed. I've come to the conclusion that you are an over-the-hill, overweight, self-satisfied troll who thinks his poo doesn't stink because he got the girl. You get your rocks off by having all these self-proclaimed hotties (the majority of whom are probably men) fawning all over you. I think your writing has become somewhat hackneyed as well. I don't need you to be the final arbiter of what is or is not funny, and I certainly don't need you to dictate my grooming habits. But thanks for the laughs. It's been swell.

Gene Weingarten: THE HOTTIES ARE MEN?

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Tired: I can forgive you posting the picture. Despite your thoughts on weight, you are at least entertaining, and I'm more than willing to forgive a lapse in judgment.

However, can all these snotty people writing about "how did they let themselves get like that" and other random assorted self-righteous nonsense just please go away. I read this chat for entertainment, not to be lectured.

And oh, before your self-righteousness grows to a point where it sets you on fire, remember: anyone can look at anyone else's life and criticize with a snarky "I would never do that.". So before you start ranting about someone else's weight, think about some of the choices you've made and wonder if someone else can't lean back in their chair and say, "Oh my god, how could anyone ever do THAT to themselves?"

Gene Weingarten: Interestingly enough, the cover story I have just finished -- about a very serious topic -- has a whole section about people who judge other people harshly, and the psychology behind it. Hint: It isn't pretty.

Story will be out on March 8.

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UPDATED 2.19.09

Gene Weingarten: Possibly the greatest aptonym ever.

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Aptonym Ob, IT: At age 99, we've lost a great man.

Gene Weingarten: But his aptonym will live forever.

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Behi, ND: Since everyone has strong opinions about whether that other photo was funny, how about this one?

Gene Weingarten: Hahahahahahaha.

Hahahahahahaha.

Thank you.

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For The Update, WD: Actually, Gene, Charles I was beheaded at the behest of the British Parliament.

It was Charles II who was doctored to death; and it took them quite some time to do him in.

Gene Weingarten: Ah, right. Though I would argue that beheading IS a very effective way of making someone bleed.

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Washington, D.C.: For the person who asked for a love poem for their wedding: We used "Litany," by Billy Collins. It's wonderful -- and it took our guests a few stanzas (and our own chuckles) to realize they were ALLOWED to laugh.

You are the bread and the knife, The crystal goblet and the wine... -Jacques Crickillon

You are the bread and the knife, the crystal goblet and the wine. You are the dew on the morning grass and the burning wheel of the sun. You are the white apron of the baker, and the marsh birds suddenly in flight.

However, you are not the wind in the orchard, the plums on the counter, or the house of cards. And you are certainly not the pine-scented air. There is just no way that you are the pine-scented air.

It is possible that you are the fish under the bridge, maybe even the pigeon on the general's head, but you are not even close to being the field of cornflowers at dusk.

And a quick look in the mirror will show that you are neither the boots in the corner nor the boat asleep in its boathouse.

It might interest you to know, speaking of the plentiful imagery of the world, that I am the sound of rain on the roof.

I also happen to be the shooting star, the evening paper blowing down an alley and the basket of chestnuts on the kitchen table.

I am also the moon in the trees and the blind woman's tea cup. But don't worry, I'm not the bread and the knife. You are still the bread and the knife. You will always be the bread and the knife, not to mention the crystal goblet and--somehow--the wine.

Gene Weingarten: This is fabulous. And I bet Collins, who is a very funny man, will concede that he was channeling Shakespeare's Sonnet 130:

My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun;

Coral is far more red than her lips' red;

If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun;

If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head.

I have seen roses damask'd, red and white,

But no such roses see I in her cheeks;

And in some perfumes is there more delight

Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks.

I love to hear her speak, yet well I know

That music hath a far more pleasing sound;

I grant I never saw a goddess go;

My mistress, when she walks, treads on the ground:

And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare

As any she belied with false compare.

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UPDATED 2.20.09

Gene Weingarten: I want to begin with an important clarification. In yesterday's update I was asked if I found THIS photograph interesting in light of the sharply debated prior discussion involving posteriors. I responded with laughter. At some point during the day yesterday, the link mysteriously shifted to a different picture, namely THIS one, which was a highly controversial political cartoon from the New York Post. This cartoon was seen by many people as a racist commentary directed at President Obama. This one I would not have laughed at.

But let's talk about it!

It's by Post cartoonist Sean Delonas, a man whose work I have read and loathed for years. Delonas is strident, unfunny, rabidly right-wing and a virulent bigot, portraying gay people in a way so revolting you would think it's parody if you saw it in The Onion. It's not. Here is Sean Delonas, for example, on gay marriage. Here is Sean Delonas on Governor McGreevey. See that oddly raised leg? That is Delonas's signature move to show someone is gay: Gays are prancing lilyhoppers!

So what do we make of the furor over the chimp cartoon? Is it racist? Does Delonas get the benefit of the doubt?

Sure. I'll give it to him. This cartoon is interpretable without racial overtones: The stimulus bill is stupid, he thinks: It might as well have been written by a rabid chimp. The cartoon coincided with the story of the crazed chimp in Connecticut who ripped off a woman's face, and was shot to death by police. Obama wasn't really the author of the stimulus bill, though his was the most public face behind it. Mostly, I think comparing a black person to an ape is so archaic, so Depression-era, and so primitive that even a Neanderthal like Delonas wouldn't do it.

No, what Delonas would and did do is create a totally pathetic cartoon using the unspeakable tragedy of the chimp attack, which left a woman horrifyingly maimed, to make some lame political point about the stimulus package. It's inappropriate, unclever, and makes senseless use of a shockingly violent image. Pure Delonas, pure crap, but not racist. '

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self contradicti, ON: My favorite self-contradiction word is sanction.

Gene Weingarten: It's the PERFECT self-contradiction

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Foreign Words Made English: I read Rex Stout's "Fer-De-Lance" recently and noticed that the word folderol was rendered fol-de-rol. I assumed it was a synonym for, say, rigamarole but it actually originally meant a line of nonsense words in a song.

Gene Weingarten: Okay, here is a bit of literary trivia. The first person to answer correctly gets mentioned next week, with elaboration.

How is Fer-de-Lance like A Study in Scarlet?

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Richmond, Va.: What's your take on eating in a restaurant alone?

I enjoy it -- it gives me a chance to catch up on some reading or to people watch or to watch some game on the TV over the bar or something. My general issue is that other people think it's weird. People I know (but not that well) have mentioned it, saying that I should have just asked them if I didn't have someone to eat with. My specific issue is that I'm currently at a conference with colleagues who will certainly see me when I go down to the hotel bar in a few minutes to eat dinner, alone, and they will certainly comment on it later, and I'm thinking I might just eat incredibly late--or not at all--to avoid dealing with these people.

Are any of these three positions (liking to eat alone, feeling sorry for people eating alone, being annoyed people who feel sorry for people eating alone) sane?

Gene Weingarten: No.

This is one particular neurosis I not only don't share, but don't even understand from a distance. I like to eat alone in restaurants, with a book, particularly if I am out of town, alone, on business. It's relaxing. I feel not even a twinge of embarrassment.

Is this gender-related? Is there a lingering feeling among women that if they are alone in public, they will be judged to be spinsters or spinsters-to-be?

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Old Dog, New Trick?: Gene- The winner of the Westminster Dog Show this year is a 10 year old pooch. Are you thrilled?

Gene Weingarten: A few people have asked me this. I think it's great that the winner was ten years old, though as a Sussex spaniel, he's more late middle aged than "old."

I am waaay more excited that the name of the 2009 Westminster best in show is... Stump. How cool is that? Ch. Stump.

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Fat, WA: Fat: the last acceptable prejudice.

Oh, yeah? Fat president, senator, etc. = acceptable. Atheist president, etc? Inconceivable!

Gene Weingarten: I don't think there is prejudice against atheists the same way there is prejudice against fat people. I don't think people hate or contemn atheists; I think people feel sorry for atheists.

Having said that, there will be another fat president before there is an atheist president. Because people see atheism as a threat.

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In the unlikely event you have a comment or question, submit to next week's chat.

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