Carolyn Hax Live: Toxic Sister-in-Law; Loud Co-Workers; Are You His Priority?

In her daily column in The Washington Post Style section, Carolyn Hax offers readers advice based on the experiences of someone who's been there. Hax is an ex-repatriated New Englander with a liberal arts degree and a lot of opinions and that's about it, really, when you get right down to it. Oh, and the shoes. A lot of shoes.

Carolyn will be online Friday, February 20 at 12 noon ET taking your questions and comments about her current advice column and any other questions you might have about the strange train we call life. Her answers may appear online or in an upcoming column.

Mail can be directed to Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com.

Got more to say? Check out Carolyn's discussion group, Hax-Philes. Comments submitted to the chat may be used in the discussion group.

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Need help -- soon!: I recently got married to a wonderful guy who loves and cares about his family (one of his best qualities).

However, his very toxic sister (drama-queen and financial leech) wishes to move in with us! We JUST got married, and we're trying to start a family -- we want this to be "our" time.

My wonderful husband doesn't feel like he can say no, because she had depression, and her only other option is to move in with my in-laws... in some retirement community in Arizona, where she would "have no life."

I've tried to explain to my husband, that if she moves in with us, we would have no privacy, and he would have to become her "dad" instead of her adored big brother, as she has no common sense, and acts like she's a horny 16-year-old, instead of a 36-year-old. But my husband says that the option would be "condemning" her to not having a social life (not that she has one now...she does not have a single friend nor close acquaintance, due to her toxic personality).

Any advice on what I can say to convince him? I realize due to her "issues", she will -eventually- be living with us -- but I was hoping that would be after we had kids, and had time to ourselves first. I'm ready to be the mom of a baby... but not of a 36-year-old who thinks she's still a teenager!

Carolyn Hax: Since when is it a brother's responsibility--much less a sister-in-law's--to ensure that a grown sibling has a social life?

I can't promise it will "convince" anybody, but you do need to shoot down his rationale: -He- isn't condemning her to not having a social life, she has done that to herself. By caving, though, he would be condemning you to a life without privacy.

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Carolyn Hax: Furthermore (I'm posting in takes because I was taking too long to start) ...

It does sound as if you married him with the understanding that he would retain some sense of obligation to the sister. However, if the understanding was that this would be an obligation of old age (i.e., one you assumed only after your in-laws were gone or too infirm to take responsibility any more), then you need to spell out that you're not okay with his changing the terms of the understanding. He may feel a sense of duty to his sister, but you are his wife, and you believe his duty to you takes precedence (assuming that's the way you feel). This needs to be stated clearly to him, so there's no mistaking what his choices are and what each one will potentially cost.

Finally--I'm sure it's not what you had in mind as a newlywed, but if you can't come to agreement on this, it's an issue made for marriage counseling. Having someone move in who is not welcome to move in is notorious for expediting a marital implosion.

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Toxic sister-in-law: How about the "you're enabling her" conversation? Sure she'll hate him, but she's going to hate him anyway -- whether she's living with them or not.

Carolyn Hax: It's an important conversation to have, but I'm not sure the poster is the one to conduct it, nor do I have high hopes the husband/brother is ready to hear it (part of why I suggested the counseling). The fact that they've agreed that this sister will one day move in suggests neither is of the mind that helping the sister ultimately hurts her. It's seen as a necessity/obligation that will pass from her parents to them.

Again, you're right that it's an important element of the solution here. So I'll ask the bride, if she's still out there: Does this family appreciate the possibility that enabling the sister is making the problem worse?

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Denver, Colo.: I'm on the verge of breaking up someone, but I want to know if I'm doing the right thing.

I've been with a great guy for three years now. But I've long-felt his heart wasn't in it. The big bone of contention is that we haven't had a vacation together. He's been promising and promising but nothing's happened. It seems as though he has very legitimate excuses, but I do also see him going on brief weekend outings with friends every now and then. (I know, no beancounting. Couldn't help it.)

A few days ago, after a disastrous Valentine's Day, I broke down and voiced my frustrations. Since then, he's been pretty heavy (but not suffocating) on the compliments and has kicked it into high gear to plan a vacation "sometime this spring." I can't decide if I care anymore about it or not. I feel so indifferent and worn out over something so petty.

I believe everything he says about how he feels towards me, but is it possible that his heart just isn't in it and he hasn't figured it out yet? Does that seem crazy? Do you think it's ridiculous for two people to break up with clearly neither one of them wants to? (I don't want to, it's just if his heart really isn't in it I don't see a point in staying together.)

Carolyn Hax: I think it might be a mistake to see this so narrowly. Yes, making an issue of vacations is easy to write off as "petty," but from here, this looks more like you're not his priority. He makes efforts for his friends that he doesn't make for you, even knowing full well that the effort would be valuable to you. Love is a wonderful feeling, but when it isn't backed by the simple joy of going out of your way for someone who goes out of his way for you, then it's an empty feeling. Trust your gut here. If he comes around, you'll know it. (Hint: Promises won't be the centerpiece.)

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Virginia: Need Help's question makes me wonder... how do you draw the line between "for better or for worse" (things that come up, that you deal with as a couple) and "changing the terms of the deal" (things you legitimately can walk away from)?

I absolutely agree that Need Help's new husband is pushing things unfairly by letting a messed-up adult sibling move in over his new wife's wishes. In her shoes I would be steamed, too. OTOH, if my partner's mom or dad got unexpectedly sick tomorrow and needed to move in with us, I wouldn't be thrilled but I would consider it part of the better-or-worse deal. It's not what I "signed up for," but everyone in a relationship knows that things change.

So I guess the question is, when does change mean "be flexible," and when does change mean "you don't have to put up with this"?

Carolyn Hax: When the consequences don't justify the imposition, then change means "you don't have to put up with this." When the consequences of inflexibility are dire, then you have to be flexible.

To use your example, if the person who got sick had no alternatives but substandard care or living conditions, then the spouse's inconvenience becomes the lesser consequence. So, the sick relative moves in.

In this case, the consequence was that his sister wouldn't have a social life. That's a far lesser consequence than his wife's not having a marital life. So she had grounds to draw the line.

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Carolyn Hax: I forgot to mention that while Elizabeth is on vacation, we have Liz back for the day. If you want to make her feel at home, maybe send her questions with a flatulence element to them. Thanks.

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Toxic sister in law: I'd agree that the enabling conversation is not for the new bride except for the fact that sister in law may be moving into her house. I think the bride would have every right to let her potential housemate know her position (in fairness to both parties as a matter of fact) just as you would with any potential housemate. To start out on eggshells would be to create a bigger monster than it appears the bride is already dealing with. Counseling in any case would be a good move to help this couple figure our how to proceed.

Carolyn Hax: Actually, I didn't mean she should avoid it to avoid making a fuss. I was thinking she really doesn't see the enabling herself, since she didn't draw the line pre-marriage that "helping" this grown woman doesn't help her in any conceivable way (unless this is a clear case of her being a dependent).

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Washington, D.C.: Is it really possible to do something loud and not realize you're irritating others? I've recently (and politely) spoken to a coworker about their incredibly loud phone conversations and a neighbor who was playing a guitar with amplifier in our building that is not a stadium. Both said they had no idea they were disturbing anyone. They are not deaf. So my question is, is it possible to be really loud and have no clue that others can hear you or is this just their lame excuse?

Carolyn Hax: My question is, is there anything to gain from figuring out which is which? Either the noise abates or it doesn't. Anger that it happened in the first place won't help the situation.

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RE: No vacations: Has Denver tried planning a vacation, only to have her boyfriend blow it off? It sounded like "he never plans a vacation for us, only for his friends!" which to me, is on the same lines as "we've talked about marriage - why won't he propose!" Why hasn't she planned something to get the ball rolling?

Carolyn Hax: Idunno. That just sounds like a great way to end up on a vacation with someone who's only there because it was there. Should be on the first line of the dating instructions: 1. Pick someone who finds ways to spend time with you.

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Seattle, Wash.: Dear Carolyn,

My husband has a very biting, sarcastic sense of humor. I have always found him hilarious and still do, even after years of marriage, but his humor grates on other people, sometimes to the point of serious annoyance. At this point in our lives, most of our friends are neighbors and the parents of our kids' friends, and I am acutely aware of the way people can talk. I would never turn my back on my husband (for instance, by not laughing at a joke I found hysterical just because everyone else seemed irritated), but I am worried about alienating all our friends. Also, I don't have any guidance to offer him in the way of being more tolerable to the general public. Please help, if you can. Maybe I'm overthinking it, anyway, but our children are getting to an age where they are becoming embarrassed by him.

Carolyn Hax: Well, it could be they're at the age when they're embarrassed by you, too, and your car, and your house, and, ugh, those -shoes- you insist on wearing, and the way you pronounce your name, and ... well, you pretty much hit on the answer yourself.

Who -would- have guidance to offer him in the way of being more tolerable to the general public? Is it really worth the blindside hit, to ask him to try, what, to be less obnoxious?

No one is universally appealing, and within that truth there's a tremendous range: Some people are accessible and have broad appeal, and some are pungent, an acquired taste at best. You married the latter--and, good for both of you, you like him the way he is.

The best best thing you can do for your family is to keep liking him the way he is. It'll help your kids appreciate him, it'll relax you (and him by extension) in public, and it'll even help "sell" him to others, who might not be sure how to respond to his humor.

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Flatulence question for Liz! : (I promise I was going to ask this question anyway!)

I'm a gay woman in a new relationship. I gravitate toward feminine, ladylike women, even though I guess you would say I'm the opposite. My new girlfriend has never been with a woman before and I think has some preconceived notion that lesbian relationships are somehow more "free" than what she's used to--i.e. that she can really let her hair down. Lately I have noticed that she only dresses up and applies makeup when we're going out, and that she is VERY comfortable not hiding her bodily functions, sometimes to an impolite extent.

I wouldn't be so bothered by this if I didn't specifically remember her saying she would never dream of farting within earshot of any of the men she had dated. It bothers me that she is using this double standard. It's true that i don't wear skirts or lots of makeup, but I made it clear at the beginning that I'm attracted to women who do. I understand part of being in a couple is listening to each other's farts, but aren't I entitled to the same amount of politeness as any of her ex-boyfriends?

Carolyn Hax: I will not be juvenile. I will not be juvenile. I will not be juvenile.

Okay. Yes, you are entitled to the same level of courtesy the ex-boyfriends received. However, I disagree that her not letting her hair down was an effort to be polite. I think instead it was an effort to conform to expectations, which I would file under repression/suppression.

Now that she feels freed from such expectations, do you really think it's fair to ask her to go back to repressing? The real issue is that she's not a "ladylike" lady, she was

just playing one on TV. And since another thing to which you're entitled is your taste in women, it's okay not to be okay with her openness with bodily functions. It just means she's not the one. Oldest story in dating--you think there's promise, and then, whoops, you get to know each other better.

In other words, the fart is out of the tube.

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Sarcastic humor: Not everyone gets my husband's sense of humor -- it's extremely dry and understated. But everything he says is goofy and harmless, so I don't care that I'm the only one laughing at his jokes. It sounds to me like the husband in this story could be downright offensive. And if his biting, sarcastic humor involves personal attacks or some nasty -isms, well, then, I think that love him the way he is isn't the best answer.

Carolyn Hax: True, if he's being mean. I didn't get that sense. If this is a matter of his being mean, though, then that's exactly what the wife says to him: that he needs to consider people's feelings before he speaks.

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Exhausted in D.C.: I've been through the wringer lately and all I want to do is stare at the wall. Instead, I've got mounds of work that I can't possibly get done (co-workers got laid off and aren't being replaced), and I've got to go home and get some school work done, and somehow find time for family. I'm wiped out and I feel like something has got to give. I don't want to drop out of school, but it's the only thing that can go. I can't quit work, and I don't want to spend even less time with family. How do people do this?

Carolyn Hax: They either find a way to do it, or they hit their limit and quit something. In between are, usually, a lot of smaller adjustments. Can I do triage on my work so that pile becomes realistic? Can I set aside a small block of weekend time for work/school so that it doesn't leach all the joy and relaxation from my family time? Can I start scheduling a night (or even early morning) away from everything so I can come back to all the responsibilities recharged?

If you do this and arrive back at the something's-gotta-give point, frame is as a liberation, vs. a sacrifice. Life is long. You don't have to live all of it in one week.

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Chicago, Ill.: I am officially three months pregnant and my husband and I were planning to tell his parents this weekend. I had wanted to wait through the first trimester, and am going on a business trip on Monday for two weeks--so this is it. It's our first, so it's kind of a big deal.

We got a call last night from my husband's sister to tell us that she's pregnant, but not to tell the parents because she wants to surprise them this weekend. It's her third, and she is 6 weeks along.

Since SIL has basically claimed this weekend for her announcement, I feel we should wait until the weekend when I get back. My husband says we've waited long enough and to put it off until I get back from my trip would put me at nearly four months, which would be insulting to his parents.

What to do?

Carolyn Hax: It is a big deal, and it feels like a big deal, and it will become the center of gravity in your marriage (and for you, literally), which will become the center of your world.

But the rest of the world is still going to be there, getting on with its business, living and marrying and breeding and dying, whether your new little family is part of it all or not.

In other words, just share your news and get on with it. Two bundles of joyous news! Yay for everybody. Making more of it is to make way too much of it.

And, finally, congratulations.

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Person, AL: My husband and I have decided not to have children. Our families are not aware of this, nor have we felt the need to make this announcement.

Last weekend, his aunt made several comments about things we should do/discuss before we have children. I didn't feel like getting into the whole discussion then, but is this something we ARE going to have to announce at some point? I feel like this is a personal decision and no one else's business, but at the same time, I'm still fairly young (late 20s) and don't want to hear hints like this for the next ten years.

Carolyn Hax: Unfortunately, if you have a family that feels entitled to get into your business, you're going to get pressure no matter what--pressure to start having kids, if they don't know about your decision, or pressure to change your mind if they do know.

But if you have a family that respects boundaries, then your telling them will let them know that the offhand "when you have kids someday" comments would not be offhand around you, they'd be freighted and unwelcome.

When I do the calculations on both, I get either a pushy family who would be pushy regardless, or a non-pushy family who would use the information well. That comes out at a vote for telling someone in each of your families (your parents, usually) just so they can match up their expectations to your plans.

Yes, it is very personal information to which others, arguably, aren't entitled. But look at it this way: It's possible the aunt would be grateful for the chance to stop saying things that offend or alienate you.

It also wouldn't even have to come from you directly, if you give your blessing for someone to be the messenger.

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To Exhausted in D.C.: I was in your same position last Spring - my "part time job" turned into 40+ hours a week, I was overwhelmed with school, and my personal/family life decided to self- implode. I thought about taking a break from school, but realized that would not actually help the situation (I knew I'd harbor resentment to work and family for "forcing" me to give up something I was doing to better myself).

Instead, I made a schedule of work I had due for my classes, project deadlines for work, and required family engagements (including things like Sunday night dinner). Parsing it out made it more manageable, and I was able to find chunks of time where I wasn't overwhelmed by deadlines and family. I then went and talked to my professors, with my schedule in my hands. I asked for very specific extensions, and was even allowed to push back a midterm to the week after.

So, Exhausted, quitting school isn't your only option. Professors, despite their cool demeanor, are humans too. And approaching them with proactive solutions to specific issues shows them that you aren't just "giving up" and that you are trying your best to prioritize. I was slightly behind for the entire semester, but because I had worked it out with the professors, it wasn't reflected in my grades. I was finally able to catch my breath in June, and am so happy that I chose not to give up my education.

Carolyn Hax: Nice demonstration of how plotting it out can make it work, thanks. It's amazing how much time we can lose to mismanagement, and therefore how much we can find again with some careful scheduling.

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Carolyn Hax: For the record, I was just kidding about the flatulence questions.

Off the record, I'd just like to say how impressed I am by your efforts. I had no idea.

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Re: pregnant sister-in-law: I also think that the three-month pregnant woman should tell her sister in law BEFORE they both visit with the parents this weekend. This makes them co-bearers of good news rather than one stealing the others' thunder. So to speak.

Carolyn Hax: Okay, though it does run counter to my hey-I-know-why-don't-we-just-act-like-adults? biases. Thanks.

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Alexandria, Va.: Carolyn: I don't like my MIL. I know many people don't but this woman is nice and friendly but I do not like being with her, and FWIW, neither does my husband. She is very religious and I am sick of having her send me bible passages and talking about Jesus to me. My husband hates it too but never really came out to her about how he feels about religion and feels it's too late. I, on the other hand, have open about my atheism for a long time, even to my family, and it's no big deal. He thinks if he told his mom it would kill her. I think we need to tell her because it's going to continue to be obvious to her we aren't making an effort to be with her. Don't even get me started about her wanting to baptize my kids.

Carolyn Hax: This is a tough one, just like any other "Do I tell?" question. Some people want to know the truth, and some people prefer to have their ignorance left intact.

So it's not just a matter of, "I think we need to tell" vs. "I think it would kill her." It's worth deeper examination, and since your husband is the one who knows his mother better, presumably, that's where you should start. Where does she fall on the the truth issue in general--does she want it all, or does she like to believe her version if things, damn the evidence to the contrary?

Then, if you do get an idea of which she'd prefer, you move on to what each of you would prefer. Do you want to tell for her sake, or for your own? Does your husband want to allow her her illusions because it's easier for him that way, or because history says that's what makes her happiest?

While it might seem as if its about saving her the trouble of sending you literature (or saving you the trouble of receiving it), her knowing the truth could motivate her to apply more pressure, not less. Just another reason it makes sense to look at this from several different angles before you jump in.

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I also think that the three-month pregnant woman should tell her sister in law BEFORE they both visit with the parents this weekend: She missed her chance to say "wow! me too!" when sis told her. Now sis is going to say "why didn't you tell me?" And why wouldn't you have?

Carolyn Hax: Easy. "You caught me off-guard," or, "I didn't want to step on your great news, when in retrospect I should have just joined the celebration," or whatever rings truest.

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Re: Simultaneous pregnancies: "stealing each other's thunder"? What, only one expected child is allowed to be celebrated at a time?

I'm with Carolyn on this one!

(Though, isn't thunder a euphemism for flatulence?)

Carolyn Hax: Today, everything is.

And there's the other thing--these cousins-to-be have a chance to grow up together, which can be a lifelong kind of amazing, vs. the one weekend of spotlight that we're debating here.

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Flatulence questions: Maybe you could post some of them to Hax-Philes? Might be very entertaining.

Carolyn Hax: For you guys, anything.

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No Kids, USA: My husband and I didn't have kids either, and we're now (thankfully) to the age where people have figured it out on their own, without a grand announcement on our part. I never saw any upside in making the grand announcement and dealing with the attendant grief, but perhaps that says more about my family... Anyway, a vote for not saying anything, but nodding when Aunt Suzie says "...before you have kids."

Carolyn Hax: I see your point, but it does present it as either-or, silence or "grand announcement." There's nothing grand, or even announcement-y, about telling a family member what you're thinking and what your plans are for life. That's just what it means to be close to someone. If my plans did not include children, and especially if the close relative in question loved being a grandparent or aunt/uncle and was looking forward to it, I would certainly want to share.

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To couple not planning to have children: If Carolyn's suggestions don't work, you can always interrupt the aunt every time she raises the topic, and quickly change the subject.

Carolyn Hax: Excellent for the ones to whom you aren't close. Thanks.

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What Should I Do?: Carolyn,

My daughter stayed with a friend's daughter on Valentines. My daughter is 12, friends daughter is 16. The next day my daughter says she needs to tell me something but makes me promise not to say anything. The 16 year old had a boy in the house without the parents knowing. My daughter says "mom, just tell her mom that she needs to have the sex talk with her but please don't tell her about the boy!" Now, I LOVE the fact that my daughter told me and want her to continue to have that trust. I don't want to break that trust. I need to say something to my friend - but I can't even begin to figure out what or how. Also, daughter really likes the 16 yo and doesn't want to cause a rift in their relationship. Help.

Carolyn Hax: I think you need to go back to your daughter and explain that this is a confidence you can't keep--maybe you can explain it by using the example of mandated reporting, where there are some secrets that even professionals bound by privilege have to share, due to greater ethical obligations.

I realize the most significant risk is that your daughter won't come to you again with this kind of secret, so I would address that openly, too. Tell her that she did the right thing by telling, and that you want her to keep trusting you, to which end you promise the following: You will keep her secrets wherever possible; you will make sure she's the first one to know (as you're doing now) when you do have to share somethign she told you in confidence; and that you will tell only when it's in the best interests of the person she's trying to protect.

It is, in fact, in the best interest of the 16-year-old that you alert the parent/your friend. She may get in trouble, but that's still better than the other trouble she's headed for. She isn't ready for unsupervised boy visits if she feels the need to sneak them past her parent(s). They present a pressure to say no, and apparently she's already giving in to something she already knows is wrong.

In these cases, when the secret is out, the parent says no so she doesn't have to, a favor parents have been doing for their kids as long as there have been kids.

There will be a rift, for sure, but it will likely be temporary. Plus, you can also suggest that you "found out," without stating that you were told.

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Carolyn Hax: Sorry, that all took a long time to phrase for some reason.

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Sacramento, Calif.: Carolyn:

This week, three days after I moved into my new second floor apartment, I broke my ankle. I'm single and relatively new to town so I don't have friends or family close at hand. Those who have offered to help are all a significant distance (50-100 miles) away. I'm feeling exceedingly guilty accepting offers of help from those who'd have to drive a couple hours. Should I just suck it up and let them help?

Carolyn Hax: Certainly do your best to manage on your own, but also don't feel guilty about accepting heartfelt offers. You'd be surprised at how common a complaint it is that friends/family members/mates won't accept help. People don't like to be used, but they do like to be useful, so as long as you're conscious of the difference you're okay.

Besides, "all" suggests there are more than two people offering help, which means you can spread it out so that no one person is on the road endlessly on missions to help you.

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Anywhere: Do trial separations ever really result in people coming back together and having a healthy marriage? My husband had an affair, I found out, he swears it is over, and now we are 3 months into counseling. We have kids and over a decade together, so I'm committed to trying to find a way back, but I also think we both could use some space to sort through a few issues. At the same time, it feels just fundamentally odd to me that we would create two distinct spaces and then be able to come back together. I haven't really shared the whole scenario with too many people in my life, so I'm not able to get a sense of whether or not this is something other people have been through. Any thoughts?

Carolyn Hax: Often they're baby steps to divorce, but people certainly do get together after trial separations. It's all in the details of who you are and what you're trying to do. If you're afraid and can't get your mind around ending the marriage, for example, then just taking the first step can embolden you to keep going, to the point where it's inconceivable to go back.

But if you're having trouble thinking clearly with the person right there, and you're trying to tell the difference between fearing loss and actually wanting to stay together, then a separation can tell you, yes, I do want us to stay together.

Sometimes it just helps to take a couple of steps back to figure out what the big picture says--believe him when he says it's over and committed to you, or don't believe him. Context is your best friend, and context can be hard to see when you're with someone day after day.

Hope you get your healthy outcome, whatever it turns out to be.

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San Francisco : Two months ago, my sister, a single, working mom, begged me to move in with her to help offset the cost of her condo and so she could have easy access to my babysitting services. I did, and it's been a challenging, but fun, two months. Now my sister has a new boyfriend who is in need of a place to live and whom she insists will be around long-term (I've met the guy, he won't be). She wants me to move out ASAP so he can move in. This after I was there for her in a trying period and have spent the past two months basically co-parenting two kids who aren't mine. I'm so furious I can barely see straight, but others have reasoned I should forgive her becuase she's just blissfully in love. What do you think?

Carolyn Hax: I think you have a right to be furious.

However, I think you also have a duty--to your sister, but mostly to those two kids--to present a cool-headed obstacle to her apparently impulsive and short-sighted decision.

Ask her, please, to think about the predicament that led her to beg you to move in just two months ago. Then pose the situation to her as maybe not ideal, but inarguably -stable-. You help with the money, you help with the kids, you aren't going to break up with her, you aren't going to resent the kids for interfering in your relationship--whatever else even the best of new boyfriends might bring.

You can't force yourself on her, but I hope you can get her at least to give her decision a cooling-off period. A month? Not for your sake, again, but for hers and for the kids'.

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Is it possible to be loud and not realize?: Yes. I understand to a certain point how people could get wrapped up in whatever it is that they're doing, but I've become really beat down lately by how inconsiderate people can be. This is including coworkers who slam doors, use speakerphone mercilessly, and the woman who dropped her newspaper on the floor of the metro when she was done with it. I know I'm being petty, but it's difficult to get over it when it's happening all the time. How can I change my mindset so I'm not so unhappy?

Carolyn Hax: Pollyanna here. For every person who's doing something you mentioned, there are, i imagine, 10 or 20 or a train-ful of people who aren't doing these rude or thoughtless things. So there's that. I also think courtesy begets courtesy, and cheer begets cheer. When you get frustrated by someone, take the energy you would spend on being angry, and instead apply it to behaving the way you wish others would. Hold doors, smile, say "Good morning," offer your seat to someone, be overtly pleasant to the cashier who just got abused by the idiot in front of you in line. Every bit of it will pay off, I swears it.

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Boys In the House: Carolyn

No,no, no. Boys in the house of a supervised 16 year old girl is not reason enough to breach the trust of the 12 year year old daughter.

The Mother who wrote in should just ask the 16 year's Mother some probing questions. Have you talked to your daughter about sex yet? Do you allow her to have boys over? When do you think it is appropriate for my 12 year to have boys over?

She will get the message.

Carolyn Hax: Just posting the opposing view. Another coming:

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16 yr. Olds Don't Have Sex?: I'm shocked -- shocked to learn that 16 year olds sneak around having sex. For this you are advising the Mom to forever poison the relationship between them by breaking a confidence that she PROMISED to keep?

This is not a case of a 30 year old guy molesting a child. Keep the promise, especially when what her daughter requested will effectively accomplish the same thing.

Carolyn Hax: Obviously I disagree with the "forever," but here tis. Thanks.

And one more thing I meant to say myself but forgot to, in the heat of it all:

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Anonymous: 16 and 12 year old friends. Doesn't it concern the 12 yr old's Mother that her daughter is hanging with a 16 year old who has a boy over? What does "tell her to have the sex talk with her" -- that would make me wonder what was going on and possibly not let my 12 year old continue to sleep over. Duh.

Carolyn Hax: Indeed. Thanks.

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Re: San Francisco: Refrain from sharing your opinion re: new boyfriend's longevity in her life, too - that will just send the conversation in the wrong direction, and you don't know that, anyway. You may be right, but you may be wrong. The point is, it's a lot of upheaval for the kids, and if he's a keeper, there's no need to rush - no matter how "blissfully happy" she is, the focus has to be the kids.

It's not fair to you, either, but you're an adult.

Carolyn Hax: Another good point, thanks.

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Carolyn Hax: There's also the fact that a stressed out working mom might not want to be this guy's only option for a place to live--that if he's someone she can count on for the long haul, then he can count on himself and resolve his own housing problem.

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Carolyn Hax: here Liz is with me for one day, and I punish her with a 3:10 end time. Sorry Liz, bye all, thanks and seeya here next week.

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Seattle: The 12-year-old needs to learn that sometimes promises must be broken. The 16-year-old's request for secrecy is unfair to her young friend.

Carolyn Hax: I agree. Such pressure, no wonder she told. Tx.

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