Carolyn Hax Live: Is He Really Too Busy to Call? Plus the Tougher Side of Parenting and a Modern-Day Cinderella Story

In her daily column in The Washington Post Style section, Carolyn Hax offers readers advice based on the experiences of someone who's been there. Hax is an ex-repatriated New Englander with a liberal arts degree and a lot of opinions and that's about it, really, when you get right down to it. Oh, and the shoes. A lot of shoes.

Carolyn was online Friday, March 20 taking your questions and comments about her current advice column and any other questions you might have about the strange train we call life. Her answers may appear online or in an upcoming column.

A transcript follows.

E-mail Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com.

Got more to say? Check out Carolyn's discussion group, Hax-Philes. Comments submitted to the chat may be used in the discussion group.

Carolyn's Recent Columns

Carolyn Hax Live Archives

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Carolyn Hax: Hello, everybody. This is for Maryland, who submitted a question to the Feb. 27 chat about having an 8-month-old baby and not feeling cut out to be a parent: I just wanted you to know that I answered your question this past Sunday, March 15. If you haven't seen it yet, please have a look--and if you're willing, update us, too (tellme@washpost.com). There's been a real outpouring of support.

I'll know the e-mail is from you if you indicate your city, which you'll see I didn't publish. Thanks & hang in there.

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Carolyn Hax: Hi everybody. I'm listening to the Eels" "Novocaine for the Soul." Let's see if that changes my answers today.

In possibly related news, I'm also taking next week off, so no chat next Friday.

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Arlington, VA: You must get this question all the time, but I had trouble digging through the archives (searchable archives? pretty please?). I recently broke up with the dude I thought was going to be with forever, and while I'm doing okay, I'm also on the lookout for tips and tricks on how to get through this. Classes, volunteering, and new activities, right? Except right now I can barely muster up the energy to do anything but watch TV and take long baths.

Carolyn Hax: That's okay, totally normal. Big emotions are physically exhausting--it's easy to forget that when you haven't had them in a while.

The weight of them can also drag you into depression, though, so I would suggesting forcing yourself out of the TV-and-bath schedule to get some exercise and air at least once a day, at least until you're feeling good enough to venture into the new activities part of the program. Fortunately the weather is recovery-minded itself right now, so use it as motivation. Hang in there.

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London, UK: Hi Carolyn

One of my room-mates has a new boyfriend about ten years her senior (we are all new out of university and between 21 and 23). She thinks the sun shines out of his nether regions, the rest of us dislike him to a greater or lesser degree since he seems to spend a lot of time telling her (and the rest of us) just how fabulous he is, how he graduated from Top British University, etc.

My eldest sister came to visit and received the full blast of listentomearen'tIgreat. My sister is pretty much an exact contemporary of this guy, did graduate from Top University (in his class, according to his claims) , and says she is 99% certain that he did NOT - firstly because she says he could not possibly have got joint honours (a double major in the US maybe?) in the subject combination he claims, and secondly because one of his much repeated stories revolves around him living in an oddly shaped building which coincidentally, my sister lived in. Apart from the fact that over a 3-year period she would surely have met him, this building was and is for female residents only.

Elder Sis said very little at the time, partly because she was being talked at with some force.

So. Do we ask him to elaborate, or get Eldest Sis to trap him? do we warn room-mate? Should we be worried about what other lies/exaggeration he may be spinning?

Carolyn Hax: Mention to the new roommate that your sister would have been his contemporary at TBU, and that she expressed skepticism about some of his facts. That way, if she's willing to accept that he might be a fraud, then she can check into him. If she's determined to believe what she wants, then she can ignore you.

Is it overcast whenever he wears pants?

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Philadelphia, PA : Hi Carolyn! You've answered questions sort of like this one before, so I thought I'd look to you for help with something that's tearing me up.

I am engaged to be married to a single dad of two daughters, ages 11 and 13. My own daughter, "Lauren," is 9 with a very gentle, sensitive personality. Her would-be stepsisters TERRORIZE her to the point where she hates being around them. They are nice girls generally, but something about our situation brings out their ugly side. Lauren ends up in tears every time we have a family outing and clings to me, which is something she doesn't do ordinarily.

My fiance has agreed to family counseling for all of us before the wedding, but it's not a contingency thing. In other words, he wants to proceed with the wedding and with bringing all these kids into the same house regardless of whether we can work through the girls' issues or not. I love him, but I wouldn't feel comfortable with forcing Lauren to live with her worst enemies.

Fiance is suggesting we move in together before the wedding to get everyone better acclimated, but it seems to me that that could backfire even worse. What do you think?

Carolyn Hax: I put myself in Lauren's shoes, and three things freak me out: 1. that it's possible she'll have her tormentors living in her home. 2. that her stepfather-to-be is not thinking of her at all, as far as I can tell. 3. that her mother is on the fence between sticking up for her and caving to her groom-to-be.

Now, I realize things aren't always so simple. Your "gentle, sensitive" daughter could very well have gotten to this point by being coddled, or, worst case, by learning to manipulate you.

But even in the worst case, you have a massive, glaring, unresolved problem right in front of you of which both you and your fiance are fully aware.

And, you and your fiance are both on track to become co-parents of three adolescent girls. The most important thing you can do (THE most important) is figure out how to work together to be good to all three girls, and that means you solve this problem, together, before anyone moves anywhere.

Just from your brief letter, it looks as if your fiance is not treating that goal as a priority. He may have that luxury (I think not, but, whatever), but you don't--you're Lauren's mother. Her emotional needs are responsibly and fairly addressed, or you're not budging.

Translation: Family counseling is an excellent idea, but -you- need to be clear that it's a contingency. You can do that, you know. You have final say.

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Should I Stay or Should I Go?: After several of my friends got married and started families, I forced my own major life change and moved from a small sleepy beach community to DC. Now, a year later, I'm asking myself, "What the heck was I thinking?"

My new job is okay but it's not in my field, and I miss the work I used to do. Same with friends. I've met a few here, but I haven't met anyone who I feel connected with like I did before.

So, the opportunity for me to move back (old job and all) has surfaced, and I'm wondering if I should take it. Should I give myself more time in DC to get settled into a new life or go back to where things were good? When can you officially declare that a big move was a big mistake?

Carolyn Hax: You can declare it at any point, because it's your life. That's the beauty of not being in your friends' position, because marriages and kids factor in to almost every decision a spouse or a parent makes. (Or should, I guess.) You answer to yourself, and this is an advantage to recognize and celebrate, especially when you're staring at big decisions like choosing a place to call home.

The one thing I would warn against is idealizing your small sleepy beach community. You left it for a reason. Unless that reason has changed, treat it as the first bad thought you're going to wake up to when you get back.

If your stint in D.C. has changed the way you -see- this reason, or has even just changed its position on your list of priorities, then that's a legitimate motivator to get back to the beach. It's really about thinking it through extensively and skeptically enough to minimize unintended consequences.

Oh, wait, I have two warnings: Please also don't treat this as your one chance to move back. That can create imaginary pressure to jump, and pressured decisions are the ones we usually regret.

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For Philadelphia: Please consider solo counseling for Lauren, as well. Her relationship with her stepsisters-to-be reminds me so much of my younger sister's very antagonistic relationship with our dad. Yes, of course he should have eased up on his ultra-sensitive daughter, but it also would have helped if my parents had seen her ultra-sensitivity as something that could be helped and not just the way she was wired.

Now, at age 31, she's finally in counseling for what has turned out to be a whole range of obsessive disorders, but damn, it would have made her life so much easier if she had been able to get help for that as a child.

Carolyn Hax: Nice point, thanks.

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Long-distance: Dear Carolyn,

First, I really like your column. It's one of my connections to the US when I'm traveling abroad. Thank you.

I'm writing because I can't figure this out, and I was hoping you might see some possibility that I'm missing. (Or perhaps other readers have ideas?) My husband and I are in inflexible industries, in terms of geographical location, to say the least. I'm in the military; he's in academia. We live about four hours apart, so we see each other on the weekends and whenever possible (vacation time, summers when I'm not sent somewhere, etc.). We've been together for 12 years, married for seven, and we've made it work - mostly by working hard when we're not together and by making the most of our time together when we are.

The thing is: we're both in our mid-30s and we're thinking about having a child. I just don't know how it would work. I can jump in the car and head out for the weekend, but packing up a child to see his father only weekends will be difficult. And it will cut into the limited time that my husband and I already have together. We both now live within a six-hour drive of parents, who are not retired. They could maybe help us some, but not on a daily basis.

We've both already made sacrifices to get as close to each other as we are. We're happy to be within driving distance of each other because we've been much further away, but at this point there aren't any opportunities for either one of us to get geographically closer to the other.

Is it ridiculous for us to even think about having a child? When I was in high school, I did only see my father on the weekends because of his job situation. So I know it's possible. But that put a big strain on my mother and the family as a whole, and I don't know if it's as workable with small children. And I don't want the stress of raising a child mostly by myself to harm the relationship that I really value with my husband. (I have a friend who says that I as the woman should stay home anyway. But I don't like that argument; the child will be in school most of the day from age 5 anyway. And why should either one of us have to give up what we've worked hard to achieve, and work that we enjoy?) Do you see any possible answers here?

Carolyn Hax: Thanks for the kind words.

Yes, I see a possible answer. Reconfigure your life, or don't have a child.

You ask, "why should either one of us have to give up what we've worked hard to achieve, and work that we enjoy?" The answer is, you don't, if that's what your priority is. But if you're going to have a child, that child deserves to be your priority, and that means, because of your particular circumstances, one of you sets aside your career to create a happy environment for your family. It doesn't have to be you because you're female--that's ridiculous--but it has to be one of you.

Since toxic seems to be the word of the zeitgeist, I'll throw in that the idea we can have everything we want at once is extremely toxic, not to mention persistent despite abundant evidence that it's a crock. Sure, some people have love, career and baby all at once, but if you look closely even at the people who make it all work, there are still sacrifices. There have to be. And in your case, because you chose love with someone whose career is geographically incompatible, there will be bigger sacrifices than most. Call it unfair, but babies don't give a [dirty diaper] about fair.

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March (Wedding) Madness: So, an old sorority sister of mine is getting married tomorrow and has been using facebook as her main way to broadcast everything about the wedding. Putting up an engagement announcement, I was ok with. Saying "154 days until my wedding!" was alright, too. But recently it has become beyond absurd. She started posting specifics about who was invited (me not being one of those lucky souls). Then she posted a link to her wedding dress on davidsbridal.com. Do I really need to know her gown was $599? And then came the postings on what her new name is for people sending her stuff. But the most recent quote takes the cake:

"'Sarah' is sad that the things she and [fiance] want/need the most haven't been bought off the registry!"

Gag me with spoon. Can wedding season be over already? And is there any reasonable way to respond to these people who confuse "wedding" with "solicitation"?

Carolyn Hax: Take her off your friend list. Buh-bye wedding season!

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More about dads and mistresses: This is in the same vein as last week's question about the mistress coming to the funeral (though not nearly so final and wrenching):

So my Dad's leaving Wife #2, who started out as the "other woman" in my parents' marriage, when I was in high school. In the process, it comes out that he'd had numerous affairs during my parents' marriage.

Now he's seriously involved (again) with the woman he had an affair with when I was in kindergarten. Let's call her "Sally." (At the time, he broke it off when my Mom found out, and then Sally soon moved out of the area. Wife #2 didn't come along until another 10 years later.)

Dad wants me to accept Sally and recognize that she makes him happy now (or "for now"). But I can't help but be angry with Sally. I understand the affair is ancient history for my Dad, but it's recent history for me (since I only just found out about the other affairs). Dad's not off the hook with me either, but we've worked hard to make peace and I want him in my life. But I really find it hard to respect or welcome Sally, someone unrelated to me who knowingly slept with a married man, esp. one with kids. (She knew he was married, she was a part-time employee of his who knew our family. I vaguely remember her from visits to his office.)

I haven't met her yet as an adult (we live several states away), but I'm not looking forward to the inevitable get-together on some visit. So what do I do here? Suck it up and embrace her, and let go of the anger? Be true to myself and try to gently say, "You know, I'm happy that you make my Dad happy, but I have a problem with you on my own behalf?"

Love your chats!

Carolyn Hax: If Sally were the one and only mistress of an otherwise devoted family man, I would take this opportunity to validate your distaste and try to figure out ways you can minimize your exposure to her.

But the story here is not about Sally victimizing your little family. Yes, she is absolutely responsible for her decision to get involved with a man she knew was married. Yet this married man had an active dating life, apparently, and so it's reasonable to conclude that had there been no Sally, there would have been a Jane or a Susie. That makes Sally just another face in the chorus. It's your dad who was directing and starring in this very unfortunate show.

Just as your mom and Wife #2 fell for and got hurt by your dad, Sally has fallen for and will most likely get hurt by your dad, if she wasn't already hurt the first time.

As far as I can tell, you've worked hard to make peace with your dad not on the merits of his behavior, but because he's your dad. If anything, on the merits, Sally deserves more than your dad does. Not a warm embrace, certainly, but a full accounting of both aggravating -and- mitigating factors.

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On Being Left Out: My 13 year old daughter is getting ready to have a big milestone celebration, and will want to invite most of her class. She wants to exclude one girl, however, who she says is periodically mean to her, and who picks fights with her friends. I have seen my daughter socializing with her on class trips and school functions, though, so I know that while they might not be close friends, they are in fact cordial classmates (at least most of the time). I have been told many times over the years about the girl being mean to my daughter, though it seems to have subsided this year. The girl has asked my daughter if she's having this mile-stone event, and the daughter's mother has in friendly conversation asked me about it as well. I really hate to leave this one girl out (especially since I was left out of things as a child), but my daughter is very adamant that it will be a big mistake if she's invited. She also insists that it's her party and I shouldn't insist that she invite people. Of course, I've reminded her that we're spending my money. I've also tried to talk to her about being compassionate, but nothing's worked. Any suggestions?

Carolyn Hax: It's her party and you shouldn't insist that she invite people, but you're her parent and absolutely should insist there be no targeted, hurtful exclusions. "Most" of her class is already pushing it. Either it's just close friends, or it's everybody. At 13, she can't expect to have a fully formed appreciation for emotional consequences, but the way she gets one is through enlightened guidance by someone who does have that.

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For Philadelphia: Wow, this is just like the plot to Cinderella.

Please consider individual counseling for the older sisters, as well. Acting out against Lauren could reflect any number of things -- anger at the stepmother or the father or just at the change in scenery, some unhealthy dynamic between the sisters, or maybe resentment at what they perceive to be favoritism shown to Lauren, who is an only child and the youngest to boot. And therapy for the older sisters would also help to convey the message that there's nothing wrong with therapy for anyone -- it's just a normal part of blending a family. If therapy is imposed on Lauren alone, it could give the stepsisters even more ammunition.

Carolyn Hax: If Lauren befriends mice and sings while doing her chores, then I will get really suspicious.

The parallel brings up two points: 1. that the mother and father both (and anyone else about to blend a family) need to have thought through their preferences in case one of them should die while their kids are still minors. Imagine if this wedding happens without modifying anyone's behavior, and Lauren's mom dies? Cinderella indeed.

2. The Cinderella story gets really funny when re-imagined in the age of therapy.

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Washington, DC: Hi Carolyn, The Sunday column referenced at the beginning makes me wonder...is that the reality of parenting? Are all mothers sworn to secrecy that it actually sucks, and this whole "I've never been so exhausted OR happy in my life" is just a facade? I've always wanted kids, feel like I have maternal instincts, but I've also always had this deep-seeded fear that I would be one of "those" mothers that secretly hated it. Tell me the truth -- what is it really like? Is there a way to know how you'll respond? Many thanks.

Carolyn Hax: Ugh, it's a much longer story than I can cover here, but I'll try to give you the highlights.

It's neither always the way Maryland described it, nor is it always bubbles and bliss. Babies are hard work in the sense that they're relentless. They can't get their own food, they can't keep themselves clean, they can't tell you they're hungry or hurting or sad. All they have is flailing and crying, at least in the beginning. And so you have this flailing, crying thing with you 24-7, who can't even smile yet for the early months, and the buck stops with you.

Now, some people have an easier time with this than others, and just about every variable comes to bear of how easy or difficult it is. The parents' health and temperament factor in. The quality of their relationship factors in. Their ties to community factor in (fam, friends, neighbors, access to hired help). Their expectations factor in.

Possibly the most influential factor (that I don't think gets enough credit) is the difficulty of the baby. Some babies fuss less than others, sleep more than others, nurse better than others, digest food better than others, have more fully developed nervous systems than others, you name it.

If you're a parent of a fusser/crier, and your only exposure to babies has been to the even-tempered ones, then you're going to second-guess yourself, hate your child, hate your mate for getting you into this mess, and hate everybody who offers opinions on what you can do to get your baby to stop crying. Exaggerating, maybe, but in some cases it's just this bad.

The saving grace in these situations is often just one person who went through the same thing, who can help you see that it's not you, you;re not crazy, it will pass, and there are a few things you can do.

It's quite possible Maryland needed just that one voice of reason and experience. The baby could even have health problems (reflux, autism, there are a bunch of known culprits, both rare and fairly common). It's also possible Maryland's baby is just fine and Maryland needs counseling, sleep, better nutrition and whatever other treatment for PPD is indicated. In any of these cases, a respite caregiver can be a lifesaver.

The last highlight is on "those" parents is that some people aren't baby people (or toddler people, or teenager people). In other words, all parents are going to have times they find more challenging than the others--and the ones who aren't baby people are the ones who get the real scare, since their bad phase comes first, when they don't have proof that they can be happy and good at this. In so many cases, it's a matter of hanging in until the phase passes--and the phases do pass quickly, as does childhood itself.

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Pull the Trigger, MA: I've been seeing this guy for about 3 months. It's going great. Well, it WAS going great. He is being headhunted by several big companies under the umbrella of the company he is in now. He is getting wooed heavily and thus being flown to different cities to check them out. He doesn't really have a choice in the matter because his bosses ask him to go. Add that in to a busy work week and I've not SEEN him in nearly 2 weeks.

He's texted (in response to my texts) but that's it. I wrote once (after not hearing anything for several days) that I knew he was busy but I was feeling a bit like a convenience and nervous. He responded that he understood and that we'd talk about it soon but he wouldn't be much help now as he is out of town. He also said he wanted to stay where he was (with me) if he can manage it, but if he moved he didn't know where to go from here.

I scare easy and he knows this. I work in a nonprofit field so this is all new ground to me. My friends in the corporate world say it can be very common to lose touch for a few days. I say you eat meals, you sleep, you commute and in that time there IS time to drop a line to someone if you want to.

I'm not mad, he IS a nice person. But I am sort of coming to the conclusion that maybe it's over. He may move if any of these jobs pan out, and or he may stay right where he is. Regardless, I'm shutting down and closing off and backing up and I don't know that when I DO see him I'll be able to jump right back to where we were.

He's been great at every exchange, but this.. sucks! I would like to remain friends if he moves but I don't know that I see a future if he doesn't even seem to care about contacting me.

I have a history of walking away from potentially good situations due to bumps in the road -- single is comfortable for me. This seems like the end of the road, not a bump. Should I give him the benefit of the doubt? I've already deleted his number and figured maybe this is it.

Carolyn Hax: Wait a minute. It looks to me as if you've read "the end of the road" into his actions, and made the decision to end it officially before he has the chance to. You've been dating him for three months; that's not long enough for you to have become part of his emotional core, and yet you're taking his actions (or non-) personally, as if you were supposed to be in his core but aren't.

Please take a few deep breaths, take his flurry of business travel as an opportunity to focus on your own life and your own interests, and wait to see what happens when he gets back.

It is, of course, entirely possible that he'll get back to his routine only to break up with you. However, his doing that will be a near certainty if you view every non-text he sends as proof that it's over.

Whenever you start to panic, remind yourself that he may be preoccupied, or thinking of you and not texting, or not thinking of you because three months in he's just not as into you yet as you are into him. None of these is a guaranteed harbinger of doom. Each is different, each can reflect him as much as it reflects you, and each can come with a happy ending as well as a sad one. Screw up your courage and give the whole thing a chance to play out.

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For Left Out: Hmmm... Not sure if I agree with "targeted hurtful exclusions" when it seems like the other girl has DONE things to cause herself to be excluded. What lesson/message does it send your daughter and the other girl both if you insist on inviting her and disregarding that behavior and your daughter's feelings about this?

Unless daughter has a habit of wanting to be exclusionary or acting in non-compassionate ways - maybe this is a red flag that you need to support your daughter in being able to stick up for herself here.

Carolyn Hax: That's possible, and definitely worth including in the decision. However, remember, "they are in fact cordial classmates"--the daughter can't lead the girl to think the behavior is okay when they're together, and then wallop her behind the scenes with the exclusion. Either the daughter holds the girl accountable uniformly, or includes her uniformly. Again, this is tough business for someone who's only 13, but it's an important lesson. You can't smile to someone's face and save the dirty work of your true feelings for when you don't have to face them.

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Chesapeake, VA: Hi, Carolyn,

Your answer regarding the "phases" of childhood really hit me. My son was the most even-tempered baby, and became a really well-rounded kid (good grades, sports, obsession with video games, etc.). All of a sudden - THIS year - my sweet kid has become a mean pre-teen. His grades have dropped, he doesn't show interest in his old favorites - typical teen. So why am I worried? Alcoholism and depression run on both sides of his lineage (I've been hospitalized for the latter, AA for the former), and I'm scared I see him heading for the cliff I nearly fell off. At the same time, I'm trying to compensate for my history by telling myself it's just a phase. But what if I miss something? He seems so pressured sometimes, and his school counselor called me once about some statements he made that scared her (running away). But my family thinks I'm letting my own experiences freak me out. Do you have any advice for helping me GET A GRIP and do the right thing? Please???

Carolyn Hax: Find a really good professional resource with whom you can consult on an ongoing basis as questions come up. It doesn't sound as if you need to hustle anyone into regular therapy, though the dropping grades are red flag that says you should get on this quickly. But if you can find a way to get an as-needed conversation going (either with the school counselor, or someone she recommends who has specific experience with the issues you'd had in your family), then you'll be in a position to catch and address things as they come up, and before they get too serious or entrenched.

It might start with an opening consultation where you lay out the circumstances and get a few ideas for helping your son through a tough time, followed by telephone contact to address specific questions or issues you notice along the way.

If nothing else, it'll be an objective source of reassurance for you. If you're anxious, that will both cloud your judgment and start to rub off on your son.

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update from last week: Hi Carolyn, I wrote in last week about trying to decide whether to drive 8 hours to see friends or stay home due to being exhausted from dealing with family stuff. We did end up going to see our friends, and even though it was insane amounts of driving, we were glad we did. Our friends really appreciated us being there, and we were able to re-bond with other friends that we've sort of lost touch with. I just wanted to say thanks for the good advice, I think we made the right decision.

Carolyn Hax: You're welcome, and thanks for the update.

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For Pull the Trigger: Speaking as someone from the nonprofit world who also has had to deal with hectic work travel, I can't say that my ideal mate is someone who whimpers that they scare easy. In fact, when work and travel get to be a pain, about the last person I want to deal with is one who needs lots reassurance. That's a drain of energy that I just don't have time for. If you are a source of comfort to your partner, then you won't have to worry about why you haven't heard from him -- he'll be seeking you out.

Carolyn Hax: Great point, thanks. I wouldn't advise her to fake it if she can't be this person for him for real, but it is something to think about, and work toward.

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Re:: "You can't smile to someone's face and save the dirty work of your true feelings for when you don't have to face them."

You're not from the South, are you? That's what we do. The Junior League as we know it would cease to exist if we didn't save our true feelings... Not necessarily a bad thing, but just sayin'

Carolyn Hax: Ha. I hate to ruin a funny point with a quibble, but I didn't say just "save your true feelings." We all have to do that to varying degrees, or we'd all be road-raged and friendless.

I said "the dirty work of your true feelings," and meant specifically acting on them. If you're going to take actions in service of a hatred, then you can't smile disingenuously when it serves you to. That's backstabbing even in the South, isn't it?

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Message to the person whose 3-month boyfriend is travelling for business: I say this, with 100% empathy as a former you:

CHILL. YOU MUST CHILL.

You have to literally yell at your own head when you start madly twisting the same thoughts about him over and over again, including the "what ifs" and "he MUST have free time by now" etc. etc. etc.

Business travel is incredibly grueling and draining and soul-sucking. Cut him - and yourself - many miles more of slack than you have.

Truly, I've been you! Please learn from me!!

Carolyn Hax: Not just good advice, but it made me think of the beginning of "Say Anything ..." which gets bonus points. Thanks.

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Personal question for Carolyn: Carolyn, do you have children yourself? It seems that way from your answers to some of these questions, but you are so non-gushy (as most moms tend to be, myself included) that I wonder. Or is it because you just feel a duty to report objectively without gushing? Had I been the one to answer that question about what it's like raising a baby, I would have balanced what you said with a long (and honest) counterpoint about the major rewards built into parenting any kid, healthy or sweet or not.

Carolyn Hax: I have three, all still little. I just figure the gushy counterpoint has been well represented in public forums, and this person was looking for a straight explanation of the dissonance.

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Midwest: Seriously, is it SO hard for people to call someone they're dating??! I would worry less about not seeing him and more about the fact he can't seem to even ring you to say good night for 1.5 minutes before bed. EVERYONE has 1.5 minutes before bed.

Carolyn Hax: I know it sounds ridiculous, but yes, for some people, it is SO hard. We are not all the same person with the same thoughts, tolerances, comfort zones, priorities, appreciation for gestures, and habits or modes of expression. Some people live by the 1.5 minute call. Some people hate the phone. Some people would be happy to place a 1.5 min call, but know the recipient is incapable of hanging up after just 1.5 min. Some people think they're going to call but want to unwind for 1.5 min first in front of the TV, and then fall asleep in front of Law & Order.

Some people just operate on trust that their feelings are enough, and that means not having to punch an affection clock every day.

This is why compatibility is so important. When it's not there, you have two choices: have the strength to accept someone's differences as part of the deal, or bang your head against the wall wondering why s/he isn't more like you.

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Washington, D.C.: Hi I have a question on how to handle the friends who overprogram themselves and then constantly either discuss or complain about how busy they are. These are the people who are in the junior league, on their sororities' boards, have three softball teams, etc., etc., and then when you see them they constantly bemoan how they never have time for their friends, how they are so stressed, etc. Part of me wants to tell these people that we are no longer applying for college and they can therefore maybe have one or two outside of work activities and be judged a sufficiently awesome member of society to be friends with their friends, but the nice part of me just smiles and says things like "wow, it seems like you do have a lot to do." are they begging for help or do they like feeling martyred by their own choices?

Carolyn Hax: Idunno. Maybe you should ask: "Are you looking for suggestions, or do you prefer things this way and just like to blow off steam?"

It could be taken by some as a very polite eye-roll, to which they then take offense, but it doesn't sound as if these friends are particularly close, so, go for it.

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Trigger pulling: Something in the original post really sticks in my craw - the LW says "I say you eat meals, you sleep, you commute and in that time there IS time to drop a line to someone if you want to." This reminds me of a question that appeared in the print column some months ago, where a person without kids wrote to you to find out what her beleaguered mom friends could possibly be doing all day that didn't allow for a phone call. You noted that sometimes, when the first 15 minutes of quiet present themselves, it's tempting and justified to want to spend that time doing _nothing_ rather than immediately picking up with someone/something else. I think that idea translates well from the parenting-small-children context to the overwhelmed-with-work context, and I wish the latent trigger puller here would give that some thought. If her fella is mixing business travel with his regular workload, that's pretty draining. Add in the fact that any travel related to possible employment means being "on" All. The. Time. I can see a reality where he's not giving a whole lot because a) he's pretty drained and b) her anxiety about the situation is coming across big-time.

Carolyn Hax: I think it's an apt connection to make, thanks. The two combined, along with some other questions along these lines, make a case for down time as an endangered species. Somebody's "one 1.5 min. phone call" may seem so minor, but what if there are even just two or three people expecting that call? It adds up, not just in time, but in the psychic investment, especially for those with introverted tendencies.

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Colorado Springs: So, what do you think of folks whose coping and self-knowledge strategies seem to be limited to "write advice columnist"?

Carolyn Hax: Visionaries. Geniuses. Saints.

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Alexandria, VA: How does one become more fashionable and well, well-kept? I am coming to realize that I have never really been particularly put together or as polished as I would like. For instance, I have cute clothes, but I tend to wear the same sloppy jeans and cardigans a lot. And my hair is fine, but I don't spend much time on it, so it could look much better. And I rarely get my nails done or anything like that.

I think its more about taking time for myself than anything else. (like a yoga class, or nail appt. or whatever) How do I do that? Or am I just lazy? I do have 3 jobs (working about 55 hours a week) and a boyfriend and a dog and a cat and a big extended family, but I see my friends who have kids and demanding careers but they manage to look a lot more polished than I do.

Carolyn Hax: I was about to answer this when I realized I'm the one with sloppy jeans and bad nails, so I'll post it to the Philes this week sometime. Maybe I;ll learn something.

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Re: calling vs. unavailability: I think the larger context of the not-calling matters, too. I once dated a guy who called me, but pretty much only while he was in his car driving home from work. It was one of the many signs that eventually showed me how I wasn't part of his life, but on its own, it wouldn't have been a sign of anything at all.

Later I found a guy who wanted to talk to me as much as I wanted to talk to him, and who made those conversations a priority rather than a multitasking item. We're celebrating our fifth wedding anniversary next Friday.

The other issue, though, was that the first guy worked fairly hard at making me feel bad about what I wanted from our relationship. In fact, we wanted different things. That doesn't make one better than the other. But his need to make me feel like my wants were unreasonable was what mattered.

So that's another piece of context.

Look at the big picture. Is this a guy who's normally respectful of your wants and in sync with you, but right now is being run off his feet and is overwhelmed? Cut him some slack.

Has he never put any of your wants first? Cut him loose.

I don't know which answer is right, because I don't know you or the guy. But you know the context, and that can help guide you.

Carolyn Hax: I would like to underscore your, "That doesn't make one better than the other." Assigning value judgments to these details, and internalizing the results, makes the whole process so much more painful and complicated than it needs to be. Thanks.

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Anonymous: What does LW stand for?

washingtonpost.com: Letter Writer. Similar to OP (Original Poster) -- Elizabeth

Carolyn Hax: FWIW. Tx.

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Urgent!!! Please Answer!!!: Glad I got your attention. Who's in your final four? And who takes the cake?

Carolyn Hax: I was too busy this year to fill out a bracket, believe it or not.

(And the bracket is really hurt that I couldn't find a stinkin' 1.5 minutes to show that I cared, so I've suggested it ask Cinderella if she can recommend a good therapist.)

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Carolyn Hax: Yes, I do need this vacation.

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Becoming more polished: Watch What Not to Wear on TLC. Seriously. If you watch episodes where someone with your basic body type appears, you'll get a ton of good advice on how to look good with minimal effort--all with a healthy dose of snark. What's not to like about snark?

Carolyn Hax: Cool, thanks--but I'm still posting it to Philes, for phun.

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Beach week advice: Carolyn: I'm a freshman in college and my friends and I want to go to Beach Week after the semester ends. My parents say no--too much drinking, sex, boys, drinking, blah blah. Any of your chatters have advice on what I can say to the 'rents to appease them, and maybe some advice on staying safe if they do let me go with my friends?

Carolyn Hax: Seriously? The only way to stay safe is not to get drunk. Sounds priggish, but really when you have no defenses, you're at the mercy of the environment. Most people manage okay, but some don't. Unless you can reassure your parents you won't lose control, you can't reassure them of anything.

Then again, that's true just of your time at school, too, so it's not like you're magically safe there and in constant imminent peril at Beach Week.

So, if you can trust yourself not to be stupid, then tell your parents they can trust you not to be stupid. And if you cant' trust yourself, take the parental "no" as a blessing. And, no matter where you are, always travel with friends you can trust.

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How does one become more fashionable and well, well-kept? : Give it up. You don't care enough. I know this because you haven't done it already. I don't care enough either, and have embarked on grooming-betterment projects periodically, then abandoned them when I realized it's just too boring when you don't care about it.

Or, whatever, go ahead and try. Five'll get you ten you'll realize you never wanted to sit in a nail salon reading US Weekly while you LITERALLY WATCH PAINT DRY.

Carolyn Hax: We, the unkempt (unkept?), salute you.

That'll do it for now--thanks everybody, and have a great week-plus. Type to you in April.

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