Carolyn Hax Live: Update: He Moved and Didn't Tell Me, plus Are the College Years Really the Best of Your Life? and Advice for At-Home Slobs

In her daily column in The Washington Post Style section, Carolyn Hax offers readers advice based on the experiences of someone who's been there. Hax is an ex-repatriated New Englander with a liberal arts degree and a lot of opinions and that's about it, really, when you get right down to it. Oh, and the shoes. A lot of shoes.

Carolyn was online Friday, April 3 taking your questions and comments about her current advice column and any other questions you might have about the strange train we call life. Her answers may appear online or in an upcoming column.

A transcript follows.

E-mail Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com.

Got more to say? Check out Carolyn's discussion group, Hax-Philes. Comments submitted to the chat may be used in the discussion group.

Carolyn's Recent Columns

Past Carolyn Hax Live Discussions

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Carolyn Hax: hey everybody--I'm here but my babysitter isn't, so it's going to be about 5 min. I hope. I'm sorry, and thank you in advance for your patience.

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Pull the Trigger (again, it's worse): I'm the poster who worried about the guy I was seeing not having time to contact me on a recent business trip. So he texted once or twice from the road about how crazy things were and that he'd see me in a few days.

Then: nothing, for about a week. No calls, no emails, no texts. I tried to convince myself that he was busy or tired from the trip. I eventually tried to reach him and got nothing. I became worried and swung by his apartment. I found out from the doorman who recognized me that he had moved. Moved! And he'd moved four days after the last time I saw him!

I've not heard a word since. I'm beside myself. If something can go so well and I can be open and honest and the person can know my past hurts and still do this... how do you ever know someone is decent?

I can't imagine that he'd have the capacity to do this. It's not so much about it ending, I had figured it was going to end imminently. It's about who he is now in my mind, that he didn't think I deserved a conversation. Not even a "too bad, we tried". We had been involved for three months and had had the conversation about not seeing other people.

If he'd told me he was moving I would've bought him a beer and congratulated him on the opportunity.

Why lie about seeing me soon, about checking in when he got back, about all of it? Everyone who met him is absolutely stunned.

Moving forward, how do I beat back all the doubt? I was nervous and anxious before and I don't date much because I have a hard time letting my guard down. And now...

I don't want to become bitter. I don't want to be jaded. But it hurts. A lot.

Carolyn Hax: Wow. When I said last week that you'd get your answer one way or the other when he got back, that wasn't one of the ways I had had in mind.

Obviously this tells you (a la frying pan to the forehead) that he's not worth the investment you were ready to make in him, and that your feelings for him were based on incomplete information at best.

Now, after you give yourself whatever time to you need to stagger around feeling frying-panned, your next step has to be to figure out why your sensors were so far off. Was he a really good liar? Or was your eagerness for a happy ending filling in some of the blanks in ways that his personality/words/actions didn't support?

This would have been true whether he'd been the right guy for you or not: You need to give some attention to holding your own balance, both with someone in your life an without. Your neediness was making -you- miserable.

But your neediness alone doesn't justify what happened to you. That's why I think it will help to spend some time looking back on the time you and he spent together, to see what you may have missed. That will help you recognize where your judgment is and isn't working, and where it is working is where you'll find the right stuff to build on. Remember, you wrote in knowing something was off. That means you're seeing enough, you're just short of the kind of confidence that can help you recognize what you're seeing and act on it.

As I've said until my fingers hurt, it's the ability to be alone that saves you on situations like these. It's the baseline why which you measure what you have with someone, and a solid baseline helps you say, this isn't a relationship, it's empty suspense.

I'm sorry you were treated so badly. No one deserves that.

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Boston: Posting early. Your response to the letter writer in Wednesday's column seemed out of character. He wrote about his marriage and his wife, 'her temper has worsened and I get berated for any slip-up I make. For instance, I was two minutes late leaving for work this morning, and I got yelled at for 10 minutes in the car (she blamed me for making her late). She even yells at me when she makes mistakes.'

This sounds like unambiguous emotional abuse, yet you advised him to open up and talk with his wife instead of encouraging him to seek safety. I can't help but wonder if your reply might differ if a woman wrote the same concerns about her husband.

Have I missed a subtle distinction in his question, or have you? Please explain.

Carolyn Hax: I think jumping to the seek-safety answer would have been an overreaction here, for reasons that have nothing to do with the sex of the yeller or the victim--in part because he didn't provide any direct quotes of what his wife said in those 10 minutes. (On the other hand, if the yeller had been a parent and the victim a child, I would have called it abuse, no matter what was being said.)

Even though such constant yelling is wrong no matter what (I mean, come on, either face the problem or break up, no?), and it is abusive behavior, the content matters a lot in matters of get-out-now abuse. If she were calling him stupid, worthless, a waste of her life, the biggest mistake she ever made, etc., then I would have told him clearly that he was being verbally abused and he needed to look out for himself now.

But with what he described, there are still so many other possibilities: She could have a health problem (remember, he described it as a dramatic personality change). She could be having an affair, and trying to shift blame to him to alleviate her own guilt. She could be in over her head at work, and have no idea the extent to which she's taking it home with her.

All of these things, in a marriage where the person writing to me would still want to be in the marriage if the problems could be aired out and fixed, are an argument against the nuclear option. (Funny how that could have two completely opposite implications here). Since it seemd to me from the letter that he hadn't yet tried to air the problem out fully with her, that was the necessary first step.

If he were to talk to her as plainly as I advised, and if she responded by taking no interest in doing better or even acknowledging his feelings, then he'd know that her heart and mind have moved on.

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Speaking of babysitters: Am I out of line here, or within my rights to be completely annoyed when my husband refers to the time he spends with his children as "babysitting"? As in, "Hey pal, you can come over to watch the game as long as you don't mind that I'll be babysitting." It drives me CRAZY, and I know it's just semantics (he's a great dad, not nearly as detached as this makes him sound) but I want him to stop it!

Carolyn Hax: Of course it's ridiculous, since it makes it sound as if he's less a father than a conscripted bystander.

But if he doesn't act like one in any other way than to make that poor word choice, then I do think it's best to let it slide. If it helps, next time he does it, try to think of some completely obnoxious thing you do that he lets slide.

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Cheaters: I have a male friend that I considered to be one of the best people I know.

He dated a LOVELY girl for several years. The situation wasn't ideal, it was long distance. Eventually, unfortunately, he cheated on her. Several times. I called him out on it, how it was rude, horrible, etc. At the same time he brought one of the girls he cheated with around (she is friends with several friends of his and mine) and expected me to not feel.. uncomfortable with it.

Eventually he broke up with the girlfriend and told me he needed to be alone for awhile. There was no 'alone' period. He immediately started carrying on with the other woman and is now in a relationship with her. I don't like her in general, and it's exacerbated by the way they started.

He has been annoyed with the fact that I'm not exactly crazy about her or spending time with them. I've been civil and polite, but not super friendly like I usually am. He can tell the difference. He wants me to be 'happy for' him.

Thing is, I've had an exbf cheat on me. And I think it's deplorable. And the fact he's not learning about himself, or why he cheated or being alone and growing from things and is just escaping in another relationship doesn't sit well with me. Obviously, it's his life to live.. but he expects me to be happy for him..?

How do adjust to this? Thanks.

Carolyn Hax: If he is one of the best people you know, then you're either in denial about him or you're friends with a bunch of real doinks.

Meanwhile, you are punishing the other-woman-now-girlfriend, when your friend is the one who was insensitive both to his LD girlfriend's feelings when he cheated, and to yours when he brought the other woman around. The other woman doesn't get a complete pass, but your friend is the one directly hurting people he allegedly loves.

So, you have some conflicting thoughts and beliefs you need to reconcile here. Either incorporate your friend's latest behavior into a more realistic and practical view of him, and respond to him and the new woman accordingly--or decide you really mean it when you say it's his life and quit the probably not so subtle freeze out. Your call.

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re: pull the trigger : Not that it really matters, but doormen are paid to lie. Speaking from experience, slip a doorman $20 and he'll tell an unwanted visitor anything you want.

Carolyn Hax: I know, I thought of that. But it's the same practical effect either way--he bolted from her life without so much as a, "This is over, I'm sorry, please stop trying to contact me."

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Chicago: Hi Carolyn, please take this question! How is one supposed to handle regrets about missed opportunities? I graduated from college two years ago and I realized I never got to have those fun college experiences because my major depression made me withdraw a lot from everyone and everything. I just feel so sad that I missed out on what were supposed to be the best years of your life because of this damn disease which just makes me spiral even deeper into a funk.

Carolyn Hax: You say damn disease, I say damn "supposed to be the best years of your life" expectations. Diseases, you can identify, fight and often defeat. Expectations are usually too vague and elusive to fight head-on. They make you feel like crap, then make you feel stupid for feeling like crap.

The only thing I feel safe saying about college is that, for people who can immerse themselves in the b/peer culture, it's several kinds of education at once. For some people, yes, it can be a life pinnacle (and I'd pity them, frankly). But in most cases even rollicking good times can be complicated by some hard lessons, cringe-worthy behavior and pointed regrets.

For others the peer angle is a luxury, when costs or age or health (as you know) or other factors rule out the possibility of even partaking the peer fest.

So, what now? You do what everyone else does when bumped onto a different path than you expected: Decide a course based on where you are and where you want to go, and keep traveling. Dwelling on where you think you were supposed to be by now is rarely productive. It's easy to think everyone's at a big party to which you weren't invited (figuratively speaking), but I think you'll find upon close inspection that's never really true.

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Arlington, Va.: Not a question per se, but I've noticed that readers who make comments (not in the online discussion necessarily, but in the comments section on the Post site) on the letters you receive usually savage the letter writer. They tend to envision the letter writer in the the worst possible light, and make assumptions about the situation that have no relationship to the information in the letter. I guess I do have a question after all - why would people do that? It's not helpful and is actively hurtful. I admit that my letter was the subject of some of these comments so I'm taking this more personally than I probably should.

washingtonpost.com: They do in the online discussion too, but you don't necessarily see them, because these discussions are moderated.

Carolyn Hax: Zackly. The missiles fly in from all directions, but the comment section and the Hax-Philes are the only places to see them unfiltered.

To set up your own mental/emotional filters, I would suggest screening the negative comments for an agenda. If it's just negativity without supporting arguments, those comments are easy--you just dismiss them.

If it's a negative comment with information to support it, check that information for reliability. People tend to betray their leanings eventually. It's not always obvious, but it's there. That's the stuff you can use in making a decision whether to internalize the criticism--a valuable exercise, if it's thoughtful and accurate--or chuck it as the commentator's own problem.

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Need a kick in the [patootie]: Carolyn, my apartment is a wreck. Completely disgusting. My husband doesn't help, but whatever, we have different levels of slobbiness we'll tolerate. (We're both slobs, admittedly.) It's beyond my level, so FAR beyond, and I really need to just START fixing it. But it's so gross I can't start.

Make me start, please, please, please. Tell me something that will make it possible, or something, because right now it's so awful I don't know where to begin.

Carolyn Hax: Just begin somewhere. Put on really good music and wander from task to task: Pick one thing that's driving you most insane, and start tackling it. If in the process you have to carry Thing X to Room Y, and you notice something in Room Y that needs to be done, start that. Cleaning up is possibly the one chore that can be accomplished almost as well scattershot as it can in an organized way. As long as every little thing you do is an improvement, then the situation will improve.

I suggest doing it this way because 1. chore-hopping is often less discouraging than spending 3 hours straight in one bathroom, and 2. you don't sound like the, ah, organized type.

If I'm wrong and there's an inner schedule in you somewhere, then I'd go with setting your oven timer and doing 30 minutes of cleaning every day, until your home stops making you want to ralph. Assuming you can find your oven.

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re: depression: Or: figure out what it is that you WOULD have enjoyed and do it now. Summer travel? Join the Peace Corps, take a sabbatical and backpack Europe, drive cross country for fun. Political activism? Find the right organization. Hanging out late into the night with friends? Live in a group house for a year or two. I feel like there are times when I can't go back and change things, but I can get what I feel like I missed if I am intentional about it.

Carolyn Hax: Good point, thanks.

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New York, N.Y. : How much of an explanation do you owe someone when you realize you really don't like them? What if they won't listen?

A few months ago I went on a few dates with a nice guy who lived in another city. We continued to talk and decided we might be interested in pursuing something if he moved closer.

He recently got a job out here and is excited for "us."

The only problem is in the time I've gotten to know him over the distance I realized that I find him irritating, pushy, insensitive and oblivious and I just want him to go away. Whenever I try to explain that I have misgivings he acts like he understands and then continues to act like we have a glorious future together.

Somehow in all of this I feel like the bad guy. I feel like I've misled him, that I'm being hurtful and arbitrary and bratty and that I "owe" him something.

What am I obliged to say to him? And how can I make myself feel ok with my decision?

Carolyn Hax: If analysis will help, then I'll say that it sounds as if his pushyness met your reticence and exploded into a big fat misunderstanding. You think you told him you're not interested any more, and he thinks you've told him your relationship could use some tweaking here and there.

He can make a legitimate argument that you misled him.

You can make a legitimate argument that he is in fact oblivious.

And now, since i've got the blame all evenly distributed, please just tell him that you're afraid you haven't made yourself clear, but you've had a change of heart and are not interested in seeing him any more.

If he asks you why, say you're not compatible.

If he won't listen at that point, state clearly that it's over and that you would appreciate if he didn't try to call you any more. Then you don't take any more calls. But I'm hoping for both of your sakes that it doesn't come to that.

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Re: My husband doesn't help: See this is why people like the previous poster's husband use words like "babysit" when referring to one's own kids. It comes from us. If we women stop assuming that housework and childcare are inherently female responsibilities and we just get "assistance" from husbands then maybe men will see it that way too.

Carolyn Hax: Have ranted about this before, but here's a refresher. Thanks.

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RE: Chicago: FWIW, I immersed myself in the "b/peer culture" in college, and I often feel like I'm the one who missed opportunties. I didn't spend nearly enough time on my actual education (although I succeeded grades wise) or on non-social extracurriculars. I think that a lot of people probably feel that way no matter what their college experience was like, because college is the first time in life where you are really able to make your own choices about how to live your life, and we're all probably a little unprepared for that. I struggle too, so the best advice I can give is what I'm currently doing... I'm making new expectations for what I think my mid 20s should be (I'm not holding on to the ones I had for myself when I was younger), and doing everything I can to make them come true. It's not easy, but I at least feel empowered that I'm setting my own path.

Carolyn Hax: Great point. It's not just that college is the first time you are really able to make your own choices--it's also that there are SO many choices. Missing an opportunity feels like a mistake, taking on too much feels like a mistake, doing too little feels like a mistake, focusing too much on the wrong thing feels like a mistake, celebrating to much feels like a mistake--but that's only if you look at these opportunities as finite. Not one of them is--back to the "if I am intentional about it" post. What's finite, arguably, is the ready access to all these things, but that's there for a reason too: College is an opportunity to explore. It's the start of an informed path, not an end unto itself.

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Washington, D.C.: Carolyn,

I've been dating this girl for almost two years. It's a great relationship and I love her a lot. The problem is her mother can't stand me. I've met her mother three times and from these meetings, she's decided that I'm not up to her daughter's standards and that I will somehow bring her daughter down. She says negative things about me, yet she's never even taken the chance to get to know me. My girlfriend couldn't stand to see her mother so unhappy and feared their relationship would suffer. As a result, a few months ago my girlfriend left me and returned home to live with her mother. While my ex and I still speak, I'm not ready to give up on us. I have tried countless times, to no avail, to contact her mother in hopes that we can talk things out. Her mother has these perceptions of me in her mind that she won't let go of. I should also mention that her mother, a minister, uses religion as a tool to further guilt her daughter into submission. (Honor your parents, etc.) I can't understand it; other members of her family -- her father included -- don't have any problems with me at all. My girlfriend has told me that if it was only the two of us that should would marry me. How can I solve this issue? Do I keep trying or do I give up? I'm in it to win it.

Carolyn Hax: Ick. That alone is reason to drop it. This isn't a competition with her mother, and if you do see it that way then you're no different from the mother in using "this girl" as your pawn.

But if we set that aside as, I don't know, a strangely coherent typo, then you still have the fact that your ex-girlfriend is so emotionally under-formed that her mother's wishes take precedence over her own. That says your relationship isn't going anywhere no matter what the mother says, at least not until/unless your girlfriend comes into her own. The best chance that will happen is if neither you nor the mother is on the scene.

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Pull the Trigger (again): Hi, I wouldn't normally write immediately back but I feel like you may not have all the info. This is the issue: I am comfortable being single. I am TOO comfortable being single. I know myself and there are no complications. Getting me INTO a relationship is usually difficult, usually I'd rather fly solo. So I feel duped.

I think he was either:

1. An excellent liar.

And I mean EXCELLENT. He met and spent time with many of my friends. We had great conversations, it was comfortable and easy.

2. Freaked out, figuring he might hurt me by moving and decided to just go and put his head in the sand after he moved.

All he ever showed me up UNTIL the business trip was kindness, support and involvement. Early on he had the boundless enthusiasm about me and I was EXTREMELY cautious. The minute he went on the trip he turned on a dime and became someone entirely different. It's like he shut down. Hence, the initial question to you. I was completely caught off guard, it was a departure to the point that I worried something horrible had happened.

The problem is I have good judgment. I am usually right on the money. This was out of nowhere. It was like a switch was turned. I have retraced everything to find "evidence" of "AHA! I knew all along! THAT was the moment".

And now I worry I am going to apply this to future guys. I don't want to end up some paranoid freakshow. My friends keep saying, repeatedly you could not have seen this coming, you absolutely could not have seen this coming.

I wish I COULD find something, because then I could avoid it in the future, but I just feel like if THIS went bad, what can work?

Carolyn Hax: I appreciate what you're saying, and you did say in your original post that "single is comfortable for me"--but you also said in that post, "I scare easy and he knows this." This time, you said, "I was nervous and anxious before and I don't date much because I have a hard time letting my guard down."

So pleasure-in-singledom isn't really what's motivating you. Fear is driving this bus--trust issues specifically. And while it may seem that this guy just confirmed all the reasons you need to be distrustful of people, I would argue the opposite: that this guy just confirmed why you need to confront and deal with your distrust. There's something at it's root. I don't know what, but it's messing with your ability to vet new people, to process the signals they give, and to figure out how to act on those signals. It came through in your initial question and it does even more so here. You say you know yourself, but I don't think you -trust- yourself. It's like saying you want to be the only one who cooks because at least you know you're not poisoning you. Sure, I can't argue with that, but is that the way you want to live?

Your excitement over this guy, your sense of urgency in his keeping in close touch, says both that you want the broader experience of having people in your life, and that you're profoundly uncomfortable with the idea of handing any of the controls to someone else. That is the problem, not this particular guy. You need to find the strength and flexibility to take life more as it comes, and not as the quiet, uncomplicated thing you retreat into when you're scared. That strength and capability come from really knowing yourself: knowing your strengths, weaknesses, emotions, and how to manage them. It's not just knowing you're not going to poison your food.

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Greenbelt, Md.: Due to religious reasons, my mother refuses to meet my fiance. She's never met him. I'm living with the guy, and she knows this, and while insists she loves me, and invited me home last weekend (I went alone).

I also happened to have an engagement ring on my finger, but never mentioned anything about it. (As an aside, we've been dating for over six years, so this isn't new or anything.) My mom saw it, I know, but she didn't say anything. What do I do?

Carolyn Hax: Do what you must. You can't have your live-in fiance and your mother's approval. So you decide which you would rather live without, your fiance or your mother's approval. It's painful and consequential, but that's not the same thing as complicated.

It's unclear whether the "religious reasons" would go away after marriage or not, but, either way, that affects just the pain and consequence of it, not the complexity.

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just wondering: I don't have a question today, but have never had one answered in the past. So I was just curious, about how many people send in posts to your Friday chats? I'm hoping it's about 1,000 so I don't feel so bad :)

washingtonpost.com: You definitely should not feel bad.

Carolyn Hax: Except maybe that this is the one I answered. Thanks for trying. I really do answer only a small fraction of the pile.

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filtering comments: I'm also one of those question posters who got flamed by the peanuts (and even, a little bit, by you). My first reaction was to be really hurt and say "they don't know anything about me." And then I realized that this was absolutely true. My question was framed in a way that I thought was succinct and clever, but it left out critical information that might have changed the answer. Once I stood back and looked at the question as JUST the question, and realized how a person who didn't know me might fill in the blanks, the criticisms (and witticisms) made more sense. And in retrospect, the advice was not bad advice at all, only necessarily incomplete, just as my question was. Understanding this venue and its shortcomings as well as its virtues is key to appreciating the work you do, and even the sometimes off-target comments that come flaming in.

Carolyn Hax: Thanks for the interesting take.

I also appreciate your waiting out the emotional reaction and taking a closer look. That, in a nutshell, is what I keep trying to advise--not just here as part of my job, but also privately to myself as I think my own stuff through.

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London Uncle: Hi Carolyn!

I just found out that my niece is coming to visit (via a two-week school exchange program) in a month's time. She is 18 and so is the drinking age in the UK.

Should I ask her mother whether she should be allowed to drink while she is here? My partner and I would enjoy taking her out on a Saturday evening, and I would imagine that under the circumstances a drink would be appropriate. My niece is a responsible young woman and I would be in her presence.

I don't even know if she drinks socially but part of me feels funny about not checking in with her mother for an activity that is legal here but illegal in the U.S.

Thanks!

Carolyn Hax: Ask. There's no down side.

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Jersey Shore: I think I need to go to the hospital. I've been feeling awful and even have been experiencing some alarming symptoms. Problem is, my family is having a huge event this weekend that took a year to plan and which I am participating in and if I go to the hospital and (heaven forbid) it's something serious I'll be leaving my family in the lurch. What should I do?

Carolyn Hax: Go to the hospital! Your not dealing with a serious health problem would screw up a lot more than one family weekend.

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Wedding Etiquette: Hi Carolyn, Would you want to attend a wedding with: - Self-printed invitations - A groom in a short sleeved shirt, khakis and flip-flops - A bride in a sundress and flip-flops - A ceremony on a beach-side cliff - A backyard Mexican buffet reception - Wine and a keg of beer

To me (the bride), this sounds wonderful. To my close friends, this is very ME. To a few others (hi, mom!) this sounds a little too casual. To my fiance's family -- I have no idea.

I have drawn the line at disposable plates and utensils though. . . .

Carolyn Hax: Unless it involved $1,000 air fare, I'd vastly prefer attending that wedding to a forced march through "tradition."

But remember who you're talking to.

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Las Vegas, N.V.: If the visiting daughter is 18, she's legally an adult and can make her own decisions. And, if it's legal to drink in Britain, she doesn't really need Mom's permission to do so. Think of the many, many foreign exchange programs that college students take before they reach age 21 in countries where the legal drinking age is 18 (or it isn't restricted at all).

Carolyn Hax: True. Duh. I guess I was thinking in terms of guardianship--the uncle as responsible party, vs. host. But you're right, neither the mom nor the uncle technically has much say, except in the house-rules sense. E.g., when you're someone's guest, you don't stay out till 3 a.m and bring home strangers you met in a bar--but that's an issue independent of age. Thanks.

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Baltimoron: Carolyn,

I religiously read your column every day if nothing more than to glean some hope for my situation by reading your wise words.

I am in a relationship with someone who appears to be lacking empathy. There doesn't seem to be many situations where he seems to even care about how I'm feeling. When I tell him that something he's said or done has hurt/angered/embarassed/etc me, he is swift to explain away why he did/said what he did. Apologies and acceptance of personal responsibility are a rarity.

Is there an Empathy 101 class or is this just a lost cause?

Carolyn Hax: Maybe a lost cause, but it doesn't sound as if you're there yet. I believe a lot of people with great empathy can see a past version of themselves in the guy you're seeing. It can be natural for some people to take criticism as an attack--even constructive criticism of the kind you're providing. It's a hallmark or immaturity--protect self at all costs!!!--and it's quite common. Especially people with perfectionist tendencies, who are tough on themselves or whose families were tough on them, can have an initial "wait, I'm not wrong/bad/a failure" reaction. If they're not evolved enough yet to wait that out (theme alert) then they might say it before their calmer selves have a chance to see things from your side.

The question here is whether this guy has it in him to get over himself, to start recognizing that being called on something he said doesn't mean he's a jerk, or that you hate him, or that he's in trouble--it just means there's another way for him to look at a situation that he might have missed.

Of course, the proper way to respond when someone shows you a new way to look at things is, "I didn't realize that, I'm sorry, thanks for pointing it out"--which is probably the exact response you were hoping for.

I would suggest that at some non-charged moment, you say this to him. Explain that you've noticed he gets defensive when you point out that something upset you, and that you hope he realizes you're not attacking him--you're just telling him how you feel, in hopes that he can see something from your point of view. His receptiveness (or thoughtful counterargument, or continued defensiveness) should tell you a lot about the prospects for improvement.

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My House, My Rules...: Carolyn,

I strongly disagree with your statement that: "E.g., when you're someone's guest, you don't stay out till 3 a.m and bring home strangers you met in a bar--but that's an issue independent of age."

My house rules are that when a friend comes to stay he is encouraged to stay out until 3 and bring home as many strangers as he wishes -- so long as he brings home enough to share with everyone.

I don't appreciate your trying to set the rules of my house, and you should be ashamed!

Carolyn Hax: You're right. Clearly the effects of forgetting to put music on today before I started typing.

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Weddings: I don't mind whatever the bride and groom decide to do - if they're casual be casual. But I had one wedding where the bride told guests to wear flip flops. That to me crossed the line - don't tell me what shoes to wear.

For the record, I wore wedges.

Carolyn Hax: No no. Blown opportunity.

If this happens to anyone else: You wear flip-flops, and spell out B-R-I-D-E-Z-I-L-L-A on your toes.

Unless you write well upside down, have a friend do the pedicure.

I'm just full of practical advice today.

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Legality: isn't really the point. The uncle was asking for advice on how to best preserve good family relations with his niece's mother.

Carolyn Hax: Well, it's part of the point. It's about giving the mother notice, not asking permission, I think.

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Chicago, Ill.: Jersey Shore: I emphatically second "go to the hospital." Our dear friend's sister collapsed and died this week while bike-riding. I wonder if Natasha Richardson put on a brave face for her children after hitting her head. I know this is alarmist, but some things you can't afford to take chances on.

Carolyn Hax: The consequences of being wrong about going to the hospital are that you waste time and money.

The consequences of being wrong about not going to the hospital are that you, well, see above for timely worst cases.

People who have hypochondriac tendencies might want to think twice--you don't want to overburden busy emergency rooms--but anyone else in Jersey Shore's position should go to the hospital. Nothing alarmist about it.

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pakistan palin pants recycling?: that's what one of the lines in "Buzz Map: Most Talked About Topics" (top of page) reads. this seems significant, somehow..

Carolyn Hax: If you imagine Julie Andrews singing it to the tune of "My Favorite Things," it takes on a timeless feel.

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From a former study abroader..: Actually, you are advised to follow US laws. At least that is what my school advised. I was 21, so drinking age wasn't an issue. But my school's study abroad office STRONGLY discouraged going to say Amsterdam and participating in certain activities there (not that I would have anyway). Basically they said at the time that if you get in trouble doing something that is legal in another country but not in the US, don't expect help from the Embassy or anyone else. Maybe this was just a threat to keep us on our best behaivor but that was the advice they gave.

Carolyn Hax: Interesting, thanks.

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Re: Baltimoron: I can see much of myself in your description. I automatically expect people to assume that I intended to hurt them, so I become both hyperdefensive and hyperapologetic. I often apologize for others' misfortures that had nothing to do with me. My initial reaction is not that I'm bad but that something bad will happen to me, such as losing the other person's love. It's not so much as seeing criticism as a personal attack, but seeing criticism as a sign of impending danger.

Carolyn Hax: The net effect is the same, though--potential loss. It's fear of losing the other person, be it because you're seen as mean or flawed or rude or whatever. Thanks.

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Carolyn Hax: That's it for today, but before I go, I wanted to let you know that this is Elizabeth Terry's last day producing my discussion. I know it's hard to see from a reader's perspective what goes on behind the scenes of these discussions, but nobody is better behind the scenes than Elizabeth. She decides which questions are right in my wheelhouse and calls my attention to them, she picks out comments that will keep a thread going, and generally puts things where I can find them so that I can spend my time thinking and backspacing instead of searching for what I need.

Elizabeth's departure is another of the budget-driven changes here at The Post. I wish it weren't so, but it's a fact of free content. Readership is way up, revenue is way down, you all know the story. So what can I say in parting except, subscribe! If you don't want the paper-paper, I dunno, maybe put it on indefinite vacation stop and donate it to the education program? I don't know if that's even possible, but I'm distraught.

Thank you, Elizabeth, I wish you the best, and thanks all for stopping by for another Friday.

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Your school lied: You don't get in trouble in another country for doing what's legal there. If you do, a US embassy will definitely help you, because you are being illegally held in a foreign country. What they won't do is help you if you break a foreign country's law even if it's legal in the US. Methinks your school just didn't want drunk students.

Carolyn Hax: That makes much more sense. Well worth the anticlimax.

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Bethesda, MD: Technically, the drinking age isn't a US law... it's a state law. However, we are getting very far from the point of the original question.

Carolyn Hax: My specialty. Thanks.

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