Carolyn Hax Live

Carolyn Hax was online Friday, April 10 taking your questions and comments about her current advice column and any other questions you might have about the strange train we call life. Her answers may appear online or in an upcoming column.

Carolyn's Recent Columns

Past Carolyn Hax Live Discussions

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Arlington, Va.: My husband has terrible mood swings: sometimes we go to bed cuddly, and then he'll wake up lashing out at me for being unsupportive, not understanding enough, and not loving enough toward him. He's in a stressful job situation and we're in the middle of some home renovations that are more difficult than we thought they'd be. I do my best to take care of him and his needs, but nothing I do is sufficient. I often will come to work in tears because he will berate me on my way to work for not being supportive, then he'll apologize at night. I don't know what to do.

Carolyn Hax: Has he always been this way, or is this a change of behavior? If he has always been this way, has it gotten worse? If it has gotten worse, did it get worse gradually, or can you peg it to the external stresses? Or did you notice a change even before the stress -- say, after you got married?

Essentially, I'm trying to find out whether your husband needs a doctor or you need a lawyer.

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Verti, GO: What's the proper etiquette when you hear the U2 song "Vertigo" suddenly blare out of the cell phone in the pants pocket of the guy at the urinal next to you?

1. Ignore it.

2. Laugh.

3. Yell out "Hola!" at the appropriate point in the song.

4. Flush to the beat.

I did #2 and #3, but I think I flushed on an off-beat. Curses.

Carolyn Hax: The correct answer's 2., 3. and 4. Sorry. There's always next time.

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GA: My girlfriend elaborately faked pregnancy to get me to reconsider breaking up with her. Now that I know the truth it seems like a no-brainer, but I do love her and in making plans for a (fake) future, I started to look forward to spending it with her. What do I do?

Carolyn Hax: Realize you fell in love with an imagined future with her. The real future with someone who could pull a stunt like that would not be pretty. You know this. Trust it, please, and get out while the pregnancy is still just a fake one.

Seriously -- would you want this person to be your kids' mother? What will she pull on them when they don't turn out exactly the way she wants them to?

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Anywhere, USA : Hi Carolyn! Quick question: Is there any possible way to reject the romantic advances of a close friend without ruining our platonic friendship forever?

Carolyn Hax: Obviously there will be times that even the perfect phrasing won't be enough to save the friendship. Both parties will really have to want to stay friends post-rejection, and both will have to do a high-degree-of-difficulty combination: be honest with each other while essentially blocking out what happened.

Since just about all of us have been in this situation from one side or the other (or both), I'll put this to a vote. Would you like to be rejected this way?:

"I wish I felt it but I don't. You're one of my favorite people."

If no, feel free to offer up alternatives.

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Too sensitive?: Hi Carolyn,

To be brief, at what point am I "too sensitive" to things like cigarette smoke?

I just don't see why I should subject myself to things I can't stand just to be less sensitive. Ideas?

Carolyn Hax: This sounds like a response to criticism you recently received. If so, I'd like to hear the anecdote.

Otherwise I can only be general: In public places, the way to respond to unwanted cigarette smoke is to move someplace else, without making a fuss (no nose-pinching, air-fanning, or griping at a volume meant to be overheard). In public places where smoking is banned, or where you are unable to move, ask nicely for the person to stop smoking (and expect them to start chain-smoking just to annoy you, alas), or notify management -- again sans fuss. In your own home, you say politely that you don't permit smoking in the house.

Does that cover it?

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Cell phone songs: Speaking of cell phone songs at inappropriate times, a friend changed her cell phone to ring with the Elton John song "The Bitch is Back" when the call is from ME, which I consider a compliment (really!). However, when I call her cell NOW, I worry that I'll catch her at a bad time -- she has had to explain it before (it's my best friend -- really!). I think she'd really LIKE to change it back to something more mild, but is afraid I'd be hurt. I've told her that it's okay by me if she wants to change it to something more p.c. (or PG), but she has left it. Should I just go ahead and call and not worry about who overhears it or should I be more conscious of calls that would come at work hours? Your thoughts, please.

Carolyn Hax: If she leaves her cell on in a meeting/in court/during an interview knowing there's a chance you might call, then she gets what she gets.

This is so thoroughly not your problem, it's a pleasure for me to post it.

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Facebook Fan Page?!: Hi, Carolyn. So glad to see you have a fan page on Facebook. Thanks for setting that up!

Carolyn Hax: Thank Karisue Wyson, in my syndicate. I'll be updating it soon, but it just went up this week and I haven't had a chance.

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re: "I wish I felt it but I don't. You're one of my favorite people.": I was rejected exactly that way word-for-word, eight years ago. Now we talk about every other day, we've helped each other through relationships, break-ups, life events and non-events. Took about a year to develop a true friendship after the rejection, but I think we can now both say that what we have now is more intimate and meaningful than anything we would have had if we dated. Say the line and you're doing the best you can do; the rest falls to your friend.

Carolyn Hax: Exactly? Weird. But glad it worked out.

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FC, Va: Hey, Carolyn. Is that Nick and Zuzu in today's paper? And if so, is there anything we can do to pep him up? -- Oh my.

Carolyn Hax: Good question -- it does look as if a concerned friend has hidden the razor blades.

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PMS or something more?: Hi Carolyn,

This past week I was a terrible jerk to my fiance. I started chalking it up to hormones/PMS (I even warned him about an impending dark mood) -- but I felt super negative and drained and decided that I didn't want to be with him anymore. Thankfully, I think I realized it was just a passing mood, because five days later I cannot think of being with anyone else. My sister (who battles depression) shared a few stories of her own issues with her husband and now I'm convinced I should talk to someone about my behavior. It's strange because now I look back on past actions (crazy-days, anxiety, anger, antsy-ness) and think I've been a fool not to have made an appointment sooner.

Where would you draw the line between regular hormonal/PMS issues and a honest to goodness, need-help behavior problem?

Carolyn Hax: I would say that when you're making people you love suffer, you explore every opportunity that might help you stop hurting them. Seeing a doctor about your moods -- PMS or otherwise -- is not a commitment. It's just research, and you still have control over what you do with the findings.

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Fresno, Calif.: Dear Carolyn,

My mother-in-law gave my children a puppy for Christmas 2008. She did not check with me or my husband first, it was a surprise. The kids were thrilled, but the puppy had health problems and died. Apparently, my 8-year-old begged Nana for a replacement puppy, and again, without my permission, MIL showed up at our house one day with not one but TWO pug puppies. I was annoyed the first time, but this time I am livid. Literally mad enough that my face feels hot whenever she calls the house right now. Besides the fact that my husband is a little allergic to the dogs' fur, our house isn't really equipped to deal with two puppies, and I am still chasing around after a toddler and don't have time to raise another "baby." I feel completely trapped because my two older kids are so in love with these new pets, but I DO NOT want to keep them.

Can you please help me work through what to do here? Also, I haven't yet had a satisfactory confrontation with my MIL about this, and I'm afraid it's going to ruin our relationship if I don't plan it well first.

Carolyn Hax: Why are you even considering having this confrontation with your MIL? Where is your husband, whose job it was, when the first puppy arrived, to say, "I realize you wanted to surprise the children, but it is completely beyond the pale to spring this on us without warning."

The puppies should go back to the breeder, with the allergy as your explanation -- all dogs deserve a home where they can get the attention they need -- and if you'd still like your daughters to have a dog on your terms, then you can start going about it the right way. Researching breeds that don't aggravate allergies, finding a rescue group that can help you find an adult dog who doesn't have the high care needs of a puppy, etc.

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Still too sensitive: The specific anecdote was that we were driving behind a smoker in a convertible with the top down, and I could smell the smoke even though our windows were up -- I said it still comes through the air vents, and the driver said I was too sensitive.

I also, for instance, find it irritable when my co-workers wear perfume and seem to reapply it through the day. I know there's a distinct difference between a hint and an assault, and it's bordering on the latter.

Carolyn Hax: Oh, okay -- that kind of sensitivity isn't your fault, I don't think. Why was the driver on your case?

The perfume thing in particular is really bad. Some people just don't get that their little personal flourish gives other people throbbing headaches. If someone hugging you can smell it, that's good. If the person sitting in the next cube can smell it, that's bad. If you're not sure, have a friend help you do a reek critique.

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Sensitive, too: I live in a Red State and find it objectionable that in waiting rooms Fox News is usually on. I ask, politely, if I can change the channel, and am rarely refused. We are very polite here, but am I being unreasonable?

Carolyn Hax: I don't think it's ever unreasonable to ask politely for a small accommodation like that. The person can always say no.

But I feel the same way about any TV in waiting rooms, so I'm probably not a good arbiter of reason.

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Getting rejected: This happened to me recently. It did not go well. The guy launched into a 3.5 hour discussion with me about why we would never work out -- he works a lot, he travels, he could be moving, the plans we had next month just fell through, he's got too much family drama to deal with, he can't handle the obligations, he's been hurt before, etc. etc. All I did was let him know that I liked him a lot, I swear. He acted as though I just proposed marriage.

I was so stunned from that I ran like hell. Guess I dodged a bullet, but still...1-2 general sentences would have sufficed. I felt an inch tall after that.

Carolyn Hax: You "guess" you dodged a bullet? Sounds to me like he did you a 3.5 hour favor -- admittedly, one that would have been hard to see without a couple of days' distance.

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For Fresno: Did you and your husband make it clear to your MIL the first time that giving a gift of that type without checking with you is not acceptable? If not you have absolutely no call to be pissed at her now, because as far as she knows it was fine the 1st time.

And... your daughter is 8? That's certainly old enough to be given the message that she should not be asking for those kinds of gifts from ANYONE except her parents. Have you had that conversation with her?

Carolyn Hax: Two good points, although by bringing two puppies instead of one, the MIL did open herself to a new degree of anger.

Lest it get lost in the mother-in-law angle, it is NEVER okay to spring an animal on people as a gift. That is a responsibility people have to choose for themselves, because anything less is deeply unfair to the animal.

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From Arlington: Husband (of a few years) has always had anger control problems, but it's gotten much worse in the past year as we've gone through the never-ending renovations and he was laid off/started a new job. While I wasn't the one who was laid off, I was there for his job search and have had to deal with the same renovations while dealing with my own stressful job, but I deal. Life could be worse. I think he needs to see someone about the anger issues, but he won't do it.

Carolyn Hax: Then what are you prepared to do about it? It is not acceptable for him to heap verbal abuse on you on a regular basis, not even if he apologizes every time.

This is the same issue as the PMS question: He is hurting someone he loves. When he refuses to get help, he says to you, "I am okay with hurting you." Is that answer acceptable to you? Because staying with him even though refuses to stop hurting you is the same as accepting it.

It might help you to talk to a counselor, to help you gauge how bad (or not-bad) the situation really is. The frog-in-hot-water analogy is disturbing to think about, but it's so apt here.

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The puppies: Why can't the MIL keep the puppies, and the children then can play with them, help feed them, help walk them, whatever, when they visit their grandparents? That way the kids won't be as upset, and the in-laws may realize all the extra work they were trying to dump on the LW and her husband.

(Or maybe tell the in-laws that you can't keep the puppies and either they can adopt them, or you're going to return them to a rescue organization?)

Carolyn Hax: Works for me, but only if the in-laws really want the dogs. Not to get all broken-record-y about it, but using living things as pawns in an argument/power struggle is unconscionable.

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For "Fresno", with the puppies: Why not return the puppies to the breeder with the explanation "We were not consulted when these dogs were purchased for us." Any decent breeder would be horrified, too. And wouldn't be left thinking "why did they get dogs when they had allergies?"

Carolyn Hax: I was accounting for the possibility of a non-decent breeder. They did, after all, sell to someone who wasn't going to own the dog -- maybe the MIL lied, but, still.

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Not getting any less sensitive: On the driver (a friend, but being intentionally vague here): That's what I've been trying to figure out. It seems like a quirk that some of my friends have to make comments from out of nowhere that sound uncharacteristically critical, like the "You're just too sensitive" crack. I'm trying to be less sensitive at least in this respect and meeting such comments with crickets chirping, but what else am I supposed to do?

Thanks for answering my question, by the way!

Carolyn Hax: No, no, thank YOU for submitting it.

Anyway, here's what's insidious about "You're just too sensitive" cracks. If you protest, then, see? You are too sensitive! And if you just let it sit there, then, see? They must be right, because they got the last word! So you can't respond to it. It's why it happens to be a classic abuser trick -- turn any complaint you have back on your sensitivity/lack of sense of humor/lust for drama/hysteria, and you're stuck.

Not saying your friend is an abuser per se, but it is a crappy way to deal with people. If s/he really thinks you're too sensitive, then there are constructive ways to speak up. If people aren't sure what those ways are, all they have to do is think how they'd like to receive such criticism. It's hard for me to give specifics since it differs for each situation (that's the mark of productive criticism -- it's specific to the person and the situation). But in this case, let's say you were getting angry about the smoke and complaining constantly, when there wasn't much the driver could do about it. Then s/he could have said, "I realize it's bugging you, but there's nothing I can do about it and you're starting to stress me out." That actually gives you something to say -- either "sorry," or, "Actually, I think you can do something," and you say what you'd like to try.

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About Fresno: Everyone is suggesting she just heartlessly give the puppies back. What about the fact that the kids are evidently attached to this dog and would be heartbroken to lose two more pets? (Which I think was part of the point of her dilemma.)

Carolyn Hax: Well, -someone- (ahem) did suggest, if the parents wanted the kids to have a dog, that they start the process of coming by one more responsibly.

Yes, it would break the kids' hearts. But that alone should not dictate the workings of a home. If the father is allergic and the mother is overwhelmed, then those needs supersede the heartstrings. They just do. If the parents handle it with sensitivity and transparency about their reasoning, it can be a valuable lesson for the kids in handling the word "no."

Too many people walk around with the clear signs that they weren't taught that lesson very well, and they suffer from it more than anyone.

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Speaking of pawns...: The living things in Fresno's situation being used as pawns aren't just the puppies -- the kids are, too! MIL (perhaps consciously?) put the parents in the position of having to take the puppies away from the kids. As an adult I can definitely see this is as a good decision. But the 8-year-old in me is just sad my puppies are gone. Grandma gets to be the good guy, Mom and Dad have to be the bad guys. If this is an ongoing pattern with MIL, it needs to be addressed!

Carolyn Hax: Ding ding ding ding!

This type of power trip is a common (too, too common) byproduct of the "grandparents get to spoil their grandchildren" tradition. It's a sweet tradition, and a good one -- it's so nice for little people to have a soft place -- but its abuse is rampant. It's a constant in my inbox -- the grandparent setting up parents to be the bad guy by taking the spoiling license too far. I imagine it's unwitting most of the time, but there are cases when it's clearly deliberate and needs, as you said, to be addressed.

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NOVA: But some people ARE too sensitive, and seem unable to suck it up. That's annoying too.

Carolyn Hax: And I allowed for that possibility. It's something you deal with honestly, directly and with specifics, not with, "You're just too sensitive."

If you've tried all the reasoning and it hasn't worked, then maybe it's time to realize you don't like this person much and shouldn't be friends anymore. When you've gotten to the point of, "You're too [whatever]," you're pretty much done.

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bow wow arf arf: Ahem how many canines are in residence at the Hax Home?

Carolyn Hax: None, at the moment. Too much going on.

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"I wish I felt it but I don't. You're one of my favorite people.": I got this once, and was grateful for it. At the time, it seemed fair and gracious. But then it was followed by a year of totally confusing, misleading behavior, which seemed designed to contradict the original message. I think he didn't want to lose the attention, and I didn't want to lose hope. If that's the route you take, you need to be clear not just when you say it, but afterwards, even if that means your friendship takes a small, immediate hit. If it's strong enough, you'll bounce back.

Carolyn Hax: "I think he didn't want to lose the attention." That's everything right there. That's the trap everyone who says no to a friend has to work like hell to avoid. Thanks.

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Behavioral Health professionals: What is the difference between a MSW and a PhD? My husband is interested in talking to someone about some stress/life situation matters and isn't sure what would work. A "sounding board" is what he's looking for at the moment. Thanks!

Carolyn Hax: MSW is a master's in social work, a PhD is a doctorate, and can be in different areas. There are talented people (and not-so-talented people) holding both degrees. The length and depth of the education starts to matter, roughly, with lengthier and deeper problems -- though not always, since experience counts for so much, too. In your husband's case, either would do. The important thing for him is just to find a good fit. Just as it is with finding friends, not everyone clicks with the first person to come along. he should ask about specialties, make a few consultation calls, see where it goes, and not be afraid to see someone else if the first choice isn't helping.

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Rockville, Md.: My husband and I, both in our late 20s, have decided we don't want children. He has two younger sisters, so there's the possibility of grandkids on his side, but I'm an only child. I feel bad that my parents won't be grandparents, but it's not exactly their decision.

Any advice on how to have that conversation? Does it need to be had at all, or can I just let time pass and hope people get the hint? FWIW, one relative has already asked what religion our kids will be. Sigh.

Carolyn Hax: There's no need to send a bulletin to your half of the family, but do tell your parents, please. If they're hoping for grandchildren someday, those hopes will just be preventable false hopes for as long as it takes you to tell them.

You're right that it isn't their decision, so it wouldn't be right for them to pressure or guilt you for it, or even challenge you on it, for that matter. There's no grandchild entitlement. But I do think telling them would be a simple courtesy so they can move on to other images of their future.

I realize that some people will hate this suggestion because it opens a couple's private choice to comment (and cajoling, criticism, wailing, garment-rending ...). But staying quiet won't exactly keep the hints from coming.

As for what you say, you just say what we're talking about here -- that you don't want them to have false hopes, so you're letting them know you've decided not to have children. That's all.

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Carolyn Hax: Back in 5 ...

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Jersey: Hax -- you have to help me. I'm so screwed. I'm a 29 year old male. Two summers ago, a bunch of my buddies got a group shore house. I went out there for a week and met the most amazing girl. We spent the entire week together -- days on the beach, nights at the bars -- and I was head over heels (and I am not the type at all to even use that expression). She was gorgeous, sweet and had the cutest way about her. On the last night we were supposed to meet up and she never showed. I was devastated but showed a brave face to my buddies. She has a very generic-sounding name so even though I tried to find her when I got home (Internet, etc.) I couldn't.

Time passed and I met someone. We are set to get married in October. Imagine my surprise when 3 weeks ago I saw "the girl" in my office, being interviewed for a summer internship. (She got it). She didn't see me. First I was shocked to know that she had been in high school when we got together. (I was 27). But worse than that is that for the past 3 weeks, she's all I can think about. I have never been more excited for summer to come in all my life.

What do I do? I can't possibly tell anybody -- they'd either say I have cold feet or I've completely lost my mind. My fiancee is beautiful, smart and the envy of many of my friends. I barely know this other girl. I feel like I'm stuck in a bad movie -- can you set me straight on what to do? I really don't trust my own judgment at the moment and I've never been this way.

Thanks.

Carolyn Hax: You are so screwed.

Here's what I'm thinking. "My fiancee is beautiful, smart and the envy of many of my friends" is something you say when you think you're supposed to love somebody. Is that what's happening here?

I'm not mentioning Jersey Girl because she has nothing to do with this part, which, if true, would be the more serious part of your problem.

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not having kids: Actually as the mother of an only child, I'd prefer to have the false hope -- and I would laugh at my child if they said such a declaration in their twenties. If they say this and are 40ish, okay then. But I'd have figured it out by then! Honestly if I had a nickel for everyone I've known who absolutely did not ever want kids ... and changed their mind in their 30s... I'd be rich.

Carolyn Hax: And I'd be richer if I had a nickel for everyone who wrote in to express deep resentment of people who said, "Oh, you're in your 20s, you'll change your mind," in response to their saying they don't want to have children.

Some people do change their minds, but, anecdotally (or, my-inbox-ally), it looks like most don't. And so if you ever have the urge to laugh at an announcement by your twentysomething only child, on anything, please pinch yourself till it hurts. Even if s/he does in fact have a change of heart, your lack of respect will have staying power.

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Re: Behavioral Health Professionals: Can I just second (and third, and fourth) what you said, Carolyn, about not being afraid to try someone else if the first person you see doesn't click for you? I've been in this situation, and it's hard -- I felt like I was rejecting the therapist. But the therapist's job is to help you, and so it's also part of his/her job to take your choice of another therapist professionally. (And if he/she doesn't, would you really want that person as a therapist?) My doctor was recommending a counselor to me at one point, and she put it this way: "I think you'll like this person, and I think she'll be a good match for you. But I could be wrong. It's kind of like setting someone up on a blind date. So if you don't click with her, that's fine; come back and I'll give you another recommendation." Framing it that way really helped me to de-personalize the decision of whether to stay with the counselor. The shorter way to think about it: You're the one paying the person. You have the right to be getting something good for your money.

Carolyn Hax: Helpfully put, thanks.

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Re: Rockville/no kids: My husband and I are in our early 30s, and have been married 9 years, and are waiting another year or so before the whole kid thing. But I recently found out through an aunt that everyone did just assume we weren't going to, and they were okay with that. When I clarified our position, she immediately launched into a monologue about how all our reasons for waiting were wrong. I was truly surprised by her response, because she's usually a live-and-let-live type. So I'm sorry I even got into that conversation with her.

I don't understand your reasoning why we should have to be explicit about our plans in that realm. Why should potential grandparents (and other relatives) be twiddling their thumbs waiting? Don't they have lives of their own?

Carolyn Hax: "Twiddling their thumbs"? Wow, so dismissive. I'm sorry your aunt gave you an earful -- over the line, for sure -- but that's a big swat in response to one person's getting too far into your business.

The relationship between grandparents and grandchildren, when it can develop without major complications (a legitimate "if"), is one of the sweetest ones going. It's a chance for veteran parents to enjoy the sweet little-kid years without the crush of stresses that come with those years.

And so parents of grown children may be living full lives, not stockpiling apple-pie tins, and still longing to hold a little baby ... for a couple of hours and then hand it back. It's primal, it's real, and while -- again -- it's not an entitlement, it is a very big deal to a lot of people, and should be respected as such.

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Washington, D.C.: Hi Carolyn, So I took a page from the Hax playbook and set clear expectations with my boyfriend regarding the future. I told him I would move to his city to live with him or we could stay long-distance, but I wouldn't move for us to not live together (which was his clear preference). After a few weeks and absolutely no pressure from me, he decided he would rather live with me than stay long-distance. The problem: while I'm excited about moving in with him, he's hesitant about the idea though willing to go forward with it. I understand and respect his hesitancy (we've talked about our issues and feel only time can tell if they can be resolved), but am unsure how to proceed because of his hesitancy.

Carolyn Hax: Actually, I would have asked you, had you asked me, why you were so set on living with him? I get that moving for someone else is a big deal -- which is why I would have advised that you find a way to make the new city work for you individually as well. Go only if you're ready for a new job, a new place, making new friends, new routine, new life. That goal might actually be better served by your having your own place.

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When to flip the switch: Hi, Carolyn.

I know that my girlfriend does not need to put my needs first, because I'm not her husband. However, I constantly get the feeling that she puts her (manipulative, abusive) mother's needs ahead of mine. I'm concerned that if we get married, which we're discussing and planning to do, my needs will still be secondary to her mother's. What can I look for to see that she will be able to put my needs first if we are married? Thanks!

GO BRUINS!

Carolyn Hax: You meant "our needs," right?

That's one of two miscues in your question.

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On not having kids ...: Is it okay to let someone know that they can be honest with you about not wanting kids? My childhood best friend (who I am not as close to anymore) is coming to town for a visit. We are mid-30's. I have two kids, and she has none. She is very sensitive and defensive about people pestering her about having kids, and I know for sure that her husband was always on the fence about it. I suspect that they have decided not to have kids at this point, but I think she is tight-lipped because she doesn't want to deal with people's judgment. I have kids, but I sure do understand not wanting them. I want to let her know that she can be open/honest with me if she has decided not to have kids, that I won't judge her. But we are not as close as we used to be, and I don't know how she'll interpret it. Sometimes I feel like the fact that I have kids, which consumes most of my time, and the fact that she doesn't is what has made us grown apart, and is keeping her away. I am pretty certain (but not 100%) that it's not a situation where she is trying but having difficulty getting pregnant.

Carolyn Hax: If it comes up -- if she makes an aside, or shows frustration in some way -- you can express sympathy for her position, a la, "Wow, are people still getting on your case about that?" And if she says yes, then you can say, "I hope you realize that I support whatever you and Husband choose." Otherwise, I think the best way to show your support is by not bringing it up.

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Richmond, Va.: What right does a third sibling have in regards to getting between two siblings? Do I have a right to voice my opinion or is it none of my business? If the context helps, one brother is skipping the other's special event for a poker game.

Carolyn Hax: If you're talking about rights, then I assume you aren't close?

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...because I'm not her husband: That's the other miscue. Am I right??!

Carolyn Hax: No no, that Bruins thing.

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Yes, I did mean our needs. Thank you for calling me on it.: And, thank you for helping me to see that it's not me vs. potential MIL. The new perspective is helpful.

That said, I am still concerned about our needs not being put first.

Carolyn Hax: You should be concerned. This actually came up in the Monday-Tuesday columns this week, almost the same situation. The important thing to look for is your girlfriend's willingness to stand up to her mom. If that's not there, then you can expect big problems later.

It's important, too, not to see this just as an issue of daughters and abusive moms. One of the main things to look for in a potential mate is the ability to withstand outside pressure in a healthy way.

If, for example, you dread saying anything negative around somebody, because s/he internalizes it or lashes out at you, then that's the same serious problem as the daughter caving to Mommy Dearest. It's an inability to establish a healthy distance from other people -- either they let others too far into their emotional makeup, at the expense of their own feelings and beliefs, or they push across into everyone else's psychic space and take up residence. They're the bullies and the pushovers, and until they get some awareness of their imbalance and a stronger sense of self, they make for unstable partnerships.

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Hax! Don't leave us hanging!: I'm on pins and needles over here, waiting for So Screwed to write back.

My heart is breaking for the fiancee. What is WITH people getting engaged/married when they clearly aren't ready?

washingtonpost.com: So far, he hasn't written back in - Michele

Carolyn Hax: Sorry. If it helps, maybe the fiancee describes him the same way: "All my friends think he's a real catch."

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My Needs vs. Our Needs: When you get married, are you not allowed to have individual needs anymore?

Carolyn Hax: You are, of course, but you can't just act on them without regard for the effect on the unit. That's yet another reason compatibility is so helpful -- if your minor, individual needs are pretty much complementary, then you really only have to think about the bigger things, like, is it fair to chase my dream, etc.

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N.J. Dude... Like...: Seriously man -- go out with a good guy friend and get your advice over a beer. Carolyn just doesn't understand how a frozen memory of a cute girl can screw you up. I had that crush. Even found her. I would have done anything to relive that moment. Tried it. Realized the past was the past.

Lucky for me -- I found her when I wasn't in the position to screw with anyone else's emotions -- because I would have and regretted it. Carolyn doesn't get it.

Carolyn Hax: Carolyn gets it, as does just about everyone who weighed in -- summer fling, past is past.

But the issue is still whether he has any business getting married in October.

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Re: Moving to be with boyfriend: Thanks for taking my question! I already looked at it from the angle of moving to his city for my own reasons, not solely to be with him, but it didn't work. I don't particularly like his city and would be kidding myself if I tried to convince myself there was any reason to move there other than to be with him. I don't think I'd be as happy if I moved there and lived on my own. I already plan to be vigilant about making my own friends, finding a good job, and not revolving my life entirely around him.

Carolyn Hax: I'm not suggesting you kid yourself, really just that you anticipate that you're moving in with someone who isn't ready to commit to you yet. Which could leave you in a pretty awkward spot if things don't work out.

It does sound as if you're thought it though, but, if anything, give it one more try by thinking it through backward -- what if he breaks up with you a week after you get there? Where would you want to be when that happens? I could make arguments both ways -- living with him, so you can pack up and move back, or in your own apartment, because moving back won't be an option for quite some time.

Then change it to six months after you get there, and try it that way.

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Schmuckville Revisited: Carolyn,

Thanks for adapting my earlier posts into yesterday's column. I'm getting some good advice from the peanut gallery.

My girlfriend and I have had more honest talks, and I think she understands my situation/feelings better. But the mismatch in intensity remains.

Like today's column, she is in a vulnerable, needy place, and I care enough for her not to want to send her into a tailspin. Is there not a way for me to let her down gently?

Carolyn Hax: Seems to me you've been doing the letting-down through these conversations. If you're ready to break up, then break up.

And to borrow the phrasing of a friend, take good care of her heart while you're doing it. Say kind things, but leave no doors open to false hopes.

That's it for me -- but, ack, I forgot to introduce Michele. My first non-variation-of-Elizabeth producer, as it happens. Thanks, Michele, bye everyone, and type to you next week.

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In her daily column in The Washington Post Style section, Carolyn Hax offers readers advice based on the experiences of someone who's been there. Hax is an ex-repatriated New Englander with a liberal arts degree and a lot of opinions and that's about it, really, when you get right down to it. Oh, and the shoes. A lot of shoes. E-mail Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com.

Have more to say? Check out Carolyn's discussion group, Hax-Philes. Comments submitted to the chat may be used in the discussion group.

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