Carolyn Hax Live: When to Cut Off Toxic Relatives? Should I Wear Heels If They'll Make Me Taller Than My Partner? Why Won't My Wife Wear Makeup to Bed? And Much More

Carolyn Hax was online Friday, April 17 taking your questions and comments about her current advice column and any other questions you might have about the strange train we call life. Her answers may appear online or in an upcoming column.

Past Carolyn Hax Live Discussions

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Carolyn Hax: Hi, everybody. I'll have the first post up in a moment.

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Washington, D.C.: Hi Carolyn -- Met a wonderful man recently with whom I have a great/caring/loving/supportive relationship. Definitely on a serious track. The problem: some of my friends clearly aren't crazy about him because although he has a heart of gold he can bit of a chatterbox when he's nervous and is a bit ... well... nerdy. Do I really have to choose between my friends and my boyfriend?

Carolyn Hax: If you end up having to choose between your friends and your boyfriend, then something's wrong with your friends, your boyfriend, you, or some combination of the three.

That's because if you, your boyfriend and your friends are all good people, and if certain combinations of them don't work so well (say, your boyfriend doesn't do well in groups, your group of friends doesn't do well when new people are introduced into the mix, or you don't do so well mixing various aspects of your life), then everyone will shift a little here and there to accommodate. For example, your friends will make an effort with your boyfriend when he's there, he'll pass on a few invitations and encourage you to go without him, and you'll go out of your way to keep your friends in your life on terms that work.

It's when people refuse to defer -- when they're concerned more with their own agendas than with the collective well-being -- that you get backed into corners. Say, when your BF resents your time with friends because he doesn't like them, or feels threatened by them, or because he wants you to himself. Or, when your friends try to run off your boyfriend because they just don't like him (vs. think he's a bad or dangerous guy, which is a different story), and they want things back the way they used to be. Or when you use the disagreeing parties to generate drama, starring you.

Without more details, I can't say what's going on with you, but you can if you gauge how everybody's behaving in response to the problem.

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The dog in today's column: I agree with your stance that the dog needs to be socialized and put on anti-anxiety meds.

One thing you did not touch on though was that the dog also clearly needs to be exposed to children. I am concerned for the child's safety; this dog is clearly so entrenched in its owners lives that the dog could see the new addition to the household as a threat.

These people need to consider inviting their friends and family members and their children over for a visit, to get the dog used to the noise and craziness that children bring to a household. Had we not exposed our pets to children prior to bringing our son home, things could have gone downhill fast. Please expose this dog to some children, anxiety meds will not be enough for this dog otherwise.

Carolyn Hax: Eek, no, I advised the way I did for a reason.

This dog needs a behaviorist. Under that expert eye, then the other concerns can be addressed. I would not want my kids to be the ones invited over to see what happens when the house gets chaotic.

I also didn't mention anxiety meds for a reason. This dog needs owners who know what they're doing. Maybe medicating the dog will be part of the best treatment in this case, maybe not, but it's not a substitute for informed pet ownership. Anxiety becomes a problem when owners don't understand how pack animals think and function.

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Do you still take shoe questions?: If so, is it wrong of me that, now that I'm dating a man who is only about two inches taller than I am, I've banished all my fabulous four-inch heels to the back of my closet and refuse to wear them out on the town?

Carolyn Hax: This isn't a shoe question, it's a question about suppressing elements of yourself in an effort to come across as more appealing to someone. The details of what you're giving up aren't as important as the impulse itself.

The best pairings are of people who can come the closest to being their natural selves in each other's presence. Everyone gives up a little something in the process of pairing off, if only because you freely choose to consider someone else in decisions you make about your own life. But the object is to compromise as few things as possible that speak to the essence of who you are. The people who do that most effectively are the ones who are not only comfortable with who they are, but are also UNcomfortable with the idea of relegating part of themselves to the closet just on the chance that part might be seen as a liability.

If you love shoes but you're worried the guy will be put off by your height, then you've already positioned yourself as someone who'll change to please, as minor as shoes might seem.

I'd say that if shoes were just foot coverings, then you don't have anything to worry about on that count, but "fabulous" says otherwise.

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Verti, GO Revisited: Hi Carolyn,

I posted last week about the guy in the bathroom's cell phone blaring "Vertigo."

Same guy, same bathroom, three work days later: this time it played "MMMBop" by Hanson. I am so thankful I was where I was, for otherwise I would have wet myself.

Cheers.

Carolyn Hax: Cheers. See you next week, I hope.

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Arlington, Va.: Hi Carolyn. I could really use some advice and/or encouragement. I'm pregnant, past my due date, and just bitter. I have absolutely no excitement about this child anymore and really can't imagine being excited about its birth, whenever that may be. I'm so tired of people telling me how I should feel (excited, full of anticipation, etc.). I just feel upset, emotional, and indifferent. I'm really hoping this will change, but I just can't imagine feeling differently. I'm tired and I just want to be left alone, and "well-meaning" people can't seem to respect this wish. I feel like I'm at the end of my rope.

Carolyn Hax: Call your OB's office and get in for an appointment today. Tell them it won't wait. A feeling of hopelessness needs to be taken seriously. Take care, and good luck.

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Massachusetts: Hi Carolyn, I'm a 30-year-old man and I hope you can help me reconcile something. I am engaged to a beautiful woman who spends a lot of time on her appearance. She also has a professional degree, a great job and a lot of other good qualities, but she is very, very into makeup and dresses and accessories. A girly girl. On the one hand, I love and am proud of how good she looks. On the other hand, having to deal with all the energy that goes into this passion feels really shallow and tiring. If I am reaping the benefits of her hours and hours of makeup and wardrobe effort, am I obligated to just shut up about the inconvenience?

Carolyn Hax: PSA: Any time you're asking an "am I obligated just to ignore something that really bothers me" question, that's your cue that you're in denial about something that urgently needs your attention.

The denial that needs your attention isn't that you find your fiancee's passion shallow -- well, it is, but it's not first in line. First in line is that you favor a kind of beauty that requires behavior that you don't respect.

At least that's how it looks from here -- I can't tell for sure, with just the info in your question, whether you actually prefer find this kind of high-maintenance beauty to other more natural kinds. I'm just extrapolating that because you say you're proud of her beauty and you're also engaged. I.e., out of all the women out there, you chose a primper.

If it is the case that you like this kind of look but have discovered you don't like what goes into it, then you need to reconcile your interests internally. Either you adjust your notion of beauty to reflect your respect for more worthwhile uses of time, or you extend your judgment about her "shallow and tiring" pursuit and see it as your pursuit, too, since it is, if you seek out and endorse the result.

More...

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Carolyn Hax: This is all internal and theoretical, of course, and doesn't do much to help you figure out what to do in the near term about a fiancee who apparently bores you. If that's really what's going on, then you probably should speak up -- admit to her that you're starting to feel trapped by all the prep time she takes before leaving the house. To be clear: If it's something she enjoys, then you don't want to bully her out of it, but if instead it's just a habit that she hasn't really questioned, then ask if she'd be willing to streamline. If you find her beautiful before all the spackle goes on, then this would be the time to say so. Possibly without use of the word "spackle."

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chatty boyfriend: Does he get less chatty once he's comfortable, or does he try to dominate the conversation no matter what? If he's of the "chatty when stressed" variety, then asking your friends to give him another chance and integrating him into the group more slowly might help. If he's so insecure that he tries to control the conversation, though, then your friends are probably right about him, and you should take their opinions seriously.

The nerdiness is a red herring. If your friends are inclined not to want him around because he seems too geeky, then you'd be right to reconsider your friends.

Carolyn Hax: This should help with the decision, thanks.

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Jersey guy from last week: Hi Carolyn -- I'm sorry I didn't respond last week. To be honest, I never really thought you'd take my question so when I got called into a meeting during the chat I really didn't think to check back. Anyway, thanks for taking my question. You were right -- that was a pretty (poor) way to describe my future wife. If you're interested I can give you an update. The past week has felt like a month.

Carolyn Hax: "If you're interested." You're funny.

Yes, the ravenous dogs would like a bone.

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Uh Oh: I'm a female, married two years, 27 years old. What's the best way to start a conversation with my husband that goes something like this: "I think nonstop about a former fling and am not sure if I love you anymore because of that. I feel like a huge tramp and the worst person ever because of this, but somehow cannot make it go away." By the way, my husband cares about me more than anyone else ever has, outside of family. I suck.

Carolyn Hax: That's an interesting factoid to tack on (that your life hasn't featured an abundance of love and acceptance, not that you suck). Before you go torching a relationship and, more important, a person you clearly value, I'd suggest turning your attention to your own emotional health. Is there a history of trauma, low self worth, struggling at things that appear easy to other people ...? Did your finding your husband get you to start believing it was going to be okay?

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Re: Shoes: Why do you assume the reader banished her heels for her BF's comfort rather than her own self-doubt at dating someone shorter? I read the question in the latter manner.

Carolyn Hax: I guess I didn't really see a distinction between the two; it's a detail that doesn't change the emotional mechanics. Lets say the guy has said he doesn't care at all, and she still banished the shoes. Then it would be her changing herself to please societal expectations of what a good male catch is (guy taller than you) and the only reason you care what society thinks of the guy you catch is caring what society thinks of your ability to catch someone. So it's still a matter of shoving part of oneself in the closet because there's a chance it might be perceived as unattractive -- it just changes whose good opinion you're seeking.

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Washington, D.C.: I was thinking that a lot of questions around here are of the "what should I do about" and the answer is "talk to the SO about it". That's a convenient answer, and as likely as not to be right, but I think often we askers really want to know something else:

1. Am I right to be upset by this? Can I go into the discussion feeling like I have a leg to stand on?

2. How do I talk about this without becoming or raising defenses?

3. What theories or courses of action do I want to have at my fingertips before I raise this issue?

I get a little frustrated at the "why are you asking us instead of your SO" retort since many issues are sensitive, multi-sided, as well as just not easy. If the normal day-to-day forms of talking don't get you where you want to be, how do you ramp up the volume? I happen to think that an outside opinion from a disinterested party can help. Often the disinterested party is just calmer in making the SO's case. And often being able to vent to someone else first makes me more calm and rational when talking to the SO.

Carolyn Hax: I'm surprised at this question. We talk extensively in this forum, and I do in the column, about all these bullet points you break out -- to the extent of spelling out different things to think about before you start, often including what questions to ask yourself before you ask anything else; how to start the conversation; where to go next at various crossroads in the conversation; and how to handle various outcomes. To the extent, in fact, that I get at least one complaint a week to "stop going on and on and just answer the question."

Since you haven't set out any specifics, the best I can advise is to hit the archives. What you're asking has been heavily explored in this space over the years.

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guy in dc: Hax, No, I repeat NO, self-respecting guy wants to go out with a chick who towers over him.

Carolyn Hax: Limit yourself all you want, but don't even pretend you speak for all "self-respecting" guys.

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Anonymous: Carolyn, what do you do if a family member you've cut out of your life keeps contacting you? Is there an obligation to let them know that they've been cut out? I'm afraid of getting sucked/manipulated back in. Am 6 months into a high-risk pregnancy and would really rather avoid the drama.

Carolyn Hax: Without knowing details, all I can say is that if I were the relative being cut out, I would want to know why.

Certainly a lot of people in your situation are cutting people out precisely because they're incapable of hearing/accepting/respecting, "You have done X and Y and Z, which hurt me, and I've implored you to stop, and you keep doing these things anyway -- so I have no choice but to stop interacting with you; please don't try to contact me." But that doesn't mean you shouldn't spell it out anyway.

If you're concerned about the effects of stress on your pregnancy, then you're going to need to weigh the stress of the continued attempts at contact vs. the stress of trying to inform the estranged party of the estrangement.

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Re: Uh Oh: Ask yourself, too, why THAT former fling? What does he represent to you? What is it about him that is making you think non-stop about him?

And talk to a therapist about it before you talk to your husband. You may be able to get past this without harming what you've got.

Carolyn Hax: That's where I was going with it, but I'd like to see what the response is first.

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height stuff: I guess height for guys is like weight for women in that it is something they are just really sensitive about. My finance occasionally mentions that he wishes he were taller. I counter that he's the perfect height for me because we can dance together and still kiss without leaning awkwardly or employing tall heels. Nevertheless... I chalk it up to me always wishing I could have my stomach a little flatter even if my jeans fit now.

Carolyn Hax: I think that's a fair comparison to make.

But I still think that if his favorite Glamazon walked up to D.C. Guy and offered herself up, he wouldn't take extra time to decide whether his self-respect could handle it.

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Change: My FIL died a few years ago, suddenly. Since he died, it has become clear that my MIL was not nearly as interested in my kids as I once thought -- we hardly see her, and when we do she doesn't really engage with us -- she seems to just want to get away. Now she's remarrying. The guy is wonderful, and very close to his family. She spends more time with his grandkids than her own. They all think she's great.

I want her to be happy, but this hurts. Any thoughts for coping with the new reality?

Carolyn Hax: You're already most of the way there. You've realized this is who your MIL is, and that her interest in your kids was really her interest in going along with your FIL's interests -- and, you've admitted that you're hurt by it.

You don't really have a lot of great choices from here on. You can choose to make a big deal of it with your MIL, and try to encourage/persuade/guilt her into spending more time with your kids (not recommended); you can point out to your MIL what you've noticed, assuming you can be kind and understanding (or at least matter-of-fact) about it, and ask whether there's anything you can do to encourage her to come around more; or you can just carry on without her, and trust that you'll miss her less as time passes.

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Cutting out a family member (again): Technically, I was cut out when I addressed some issues with said person (one of my parents) that were problematic. I received a reply that sounded basically like a kiss-off. I was fine with that, and actually really relieved. Then two days later I got another email, as if nothing had happened. Now I get one about once every two weeks, all written as if the previous exchange had never gone on.

Carolyn Hax: Was this all by email?

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Carolyn Hax: Because if it was, then I would encourage you to have a conversation. E-mail leaves all kinds of room for misunderstandings, and both you (in your initial confrontation) and your parent (in the regular reachings-out) have both demonstrated an interest in improving the way you communicate.

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Fertile, U.S.A.: Carolyn, What am I supposed to say when a friend who has been trying to conceive is calling me to complain about everyone who is "overly optimistic" or "asking about kids" or "has no idea what I'm going through"? I was in her shoes once too (before I got pregnant obviously), and I actually liked it when people were encouraging me and telling me, "don't worry it'll happen soon," etc. I feel like anything I say to this friend will be upsetting to her. FWIW, she is 30 and has only been trying for 5 months so I really do think it'll all resolve itself soon after she stops talking to all of her friends. I just don't want to become one of those friends.

Carolyn Hax: Being 30 and trying only for five months does leave more room than some others have for optimism, but certainly she could still find that it's not going to happen for her. That's why it's so hard for a lot of people to take standard optimistic replies.

It's also why, of course, everyone else has such a hard time figuring out what to say to someone who's trying to conceive (or unemployed, or seriously ill, or grieving, or otherwise stuck in a bad spot that may be temporary ... or not). One person's reassurance is another's poke in the eye.

So maybe the most constructive thing you can say to her is that it's hard for everyone to know what to say, and even hard for people in these situations to know what they want to hear. All she wants is to hear that she's pregnant, right? So chances are nothing else is going to be just right? And so the people who really care about her just want to hear that her life is going well, however she defines "well." In the meantime, all parties could use a little slack in trying to be good friends to each other in trying times.

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Family member (again -- sorry!): It's so much more complicated than I could ever describe. I am quite sure he suffers from some pretty serious mental issues, as he goes through manic stages where he acts like everything is fine and then depressive stages where he laments that his children don't want anything to do with him, while at the same time being incredibly nasty and spiteful. Every bad decision he has ever made is somehow someone else's fault (i.e. "I know I did a, b, and c, but your mother made me"). I have no desire to talk to him in person or on the phone and feel no void from him not being in my or my child's life. I miss the person he was, but have no connection to the person he is now. I guess what I'm saying is I have no desire to be reconciled because this has happened in the past and it always ends the same way. I'd just rather be left alone.

Carolyn Hax: Okay, so it does sound as if any final pronouncement wouldn't be received the way you intended it, no matter what you said or how you said it.

It does make me wonder where your mom is in this, but I imagine that's complicated, too.

And while I certainly don't believe in therapy as the answer to all things, someone who is trained to recognize, understand and treat mental illness can be an invaluable resource for someone in your position, who's wondering how to deal with someone with serious mental issues. If just cutting him off were enough, then you wouldn't have written -- apparently it just replaced one kind of stress with another. If you can get a fix on the nature of the illness, then you can figure out what strategies tend to help (and which tend to make things worse).

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Silver Spring: Interesting answer for Mr. Spackle. I run into sort of a tangent of that -- my spouse takes time to get dolled up for the world at large, and looks great when she does.

However, she doesn't like it if I ask her to get dolled up for ME.

(And no, after double-digit years of marriage, this is not a major issue for us, or a deal killer, nor is she a slob when she's not spackled. Just, y'know...)

Carolyn Hax: Eh. Makes perfect sense to me, even if I don't necessarily agree with it. She's okay with having the world prefer her masked version, but not okay with her husband saying, hey, would you please, er, put your mask on before we go out?

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Considering an ultimatum: This is a complicated situation but I have a simple question. Been with BF for over 4 years. We're in our 30s. He keeps saying he's ready for marriage but needs time. I'm ready for an ultimatum. Maybe. Question: how have ultimatums worked for others? I think some guys need a push while others just aren't marriage material (with you or with anyone).

Carolyn Hax: Do you want to marry someone who needs a push to marry you? Or, to cast it in a less loaded way, do you want to marry someone who dithers over decisions?

Here's why ultimatums are so toxic: Let's say he's not dithering, but instead he's thoughtful and has a few unanswered questions that he is in the process of answering. Applying pressure is not going to help that situation, and if anything will give him a reason to be glad he was cautious, because now he can rule you out with confidence.

Now let's say he is dithering. Your pressure might be enough to get you to marry him, but it won't change either reason that he might have been dithering: that he's not that wowed by you, or that he's not capable of being decisive.

If you're ready to be married to either of those permanent conditions, then go ahead and apply some pressure. But if you'd rather be with someone who lives purposefully and loves you completely, then either find out what he's waiting for, to see whether it's something you agree with and respect, or accept that this relationship has run its course.

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Silver Spring (again): Good point. Though, technically, it's not before we go out, but, um, before we stay in...

Carolyn Hax: If I could flick your forehead right now, I would.

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NYC: My partner hasn't spontaneously kissed, touched or said I love you to me in over a year but acts like there's nothing wrong. My self worth is suffering and conversations about it go nowhere. Am I technically single again?

Carolyn Hax: Depends on the content of those conversations. Do they consist of your saying, "Are we okay?" and your partner's saying, "Yeah, sure, everything's fine"? Or have you said: "You haven't spontaneously kissed, touched or said I love you to me in over a year. Is there something you aren't telling me, that you're afraid would hurt me? Because any truth would be preferable to the loneliness. Or, is this just the way things are going to be from now on?"

A non-answer in response to your explicitly laying it out like that would mean that it's time to make yourself single again -- not technically, but officially.

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Los Angeles, Calif.: My beloved husband died suddenly last year; his son and I are very close. My stepson and his wife have two little kids whom I love. I live in the area and have babysat often, and gladly. However, now that my husband is gone, my stepson's wife (a cold, unempathetic person) is essentially phasing me out as a grandparent and relegating me to occasional babysitter role. I realize the "real" grandparent is gone, but I feel as close to those kids as if they were biologically related to me. I can't confront DIL about this (she jumps into defensive mode about many things) and I don't want to make my stepson uncomfortable, so any suggestions or do I resign myself to lowered status?

Carolyn Hax: If you're really close to the son, then why would talking to him about this make him uncomfortable? You don't want to implicate his wife explicitly, of course, but you can say you feel like you've been drifting from these grandkids a bit lately, and that you miss them, and that even though their "real" grandparent is gone, your attachment to the kids is as real as his was.

If he doesn't come through for you then you will have to resign yourself to being around less, but don't jump to that conclusion before you even give your stepson a chance.

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NYC again: Partner is always peeved, puts me down to family and friends, and has mentally moved on. I guess it's time for me to do the same. It's a shame. We used to have a really good thing, but then it changed and I don't know why.

Carolyn Hax: Sometimes there's no "why," there's just time. What matters is that you have a really bad thing now, and it's time to do something with your life that's rewarding. It's not his/her call, it's yours.

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Re: Massachusetts and Silver Spring: I understand fully that people want to be able to relax and not get "spackled" at home around their SO. And you seem to infer that Silver Spring should not expect different from his wife.

So why do women get "dolled up" at all? And more to the point: why are you okay with that? Aren't high heels and mascara just an every-day, low-scale version of bridezilla-dom?

Carolyn Hax: Oh no, they're two different things. A bridezilla is one who terrorizes others for the sole purpose of living out an empty, self-aggrandizing fantasy. Someone who gets dolled up is not claiming any victims, as long as they're using the products of ethical companies and as long as they aren't dolling up on someone else's time.

As for what I am and am not "okay with," that pretty much draws the line for me: As long as you're not sticking it to anyone, not applying standards to yourself that are looser than the ones you apply to others, then it's none of my business what you do with your spare time.

There's room for all kinds. Specifically, there's room in a purposeful life for some small indulgences.

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about Silver Spring: If I could flick your forehead Carolyn, right now, I would. The woman spends lots of time making herself look a certain way for the world that turns on her man but then, probably, takes it all off before they go to bed where he can't enjoy the change of pace. Okay cool, it's been a long night. But if he asks her to do it for him, on occasion, in the privacy of their own home, no dice. That, and your response, seem a little cold.

Carolyn Hax: If he's asking after having shaved, flossed, buffed his nails, trimmed what needs trimming and donned his best fine washables, then, you're right, I'm a cold biatch. Otherwise I stick by my flick.

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frustrationville: Carolyn,

My husband shuts me out of financial decisions. For example, we renovated our kitchen last year and have been making payments on it. We recently received a pretty nice tax return. I suggested we use this to pay off our debt from the kitchen. He said, "Uh, no." And would not discuss further.

I've asked him why he shuts me out like this, and he says it is because he is the one who pays the bills. By that, he means he is the one who writes the checks. I have a full-time job and certainly contribute 50% toward our household expenses.

It is very frustrating. He is controlling in other ways, too.

Carolyn Hax: That is flat-out unacceptable. Talk to a reputable therapist, solo, and make sure you take precautions to protect yourself financially before you make any other moves, even if it's just to get into marriage counseling with your husband.

I hope this turns out to be alarmist and unnecessary, but I'd rather be wrong in that direction than in the under-alarmed one.

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DC: The ravenous dogs are waiting for their bone! Where's that guy with the update???

washingtonpost.com: So far, he hasn't written back in. Believe me, I've been watching for him! - Michele

Carolyn Hax: Growl.

Time to go. Thanks all, and type to you here next week, I hope.

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Match Made in - Judgmentland: I want "DC Guy" and the writer who says mascara and high heels are just another version of "bridezilla-dom" to go on a date. Is this wrong of me?

Carolyn Hax: Wrong in all the right ways, thanks.

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In her daily column in The Washington Post Style section, Carolyn Hax offers readers advice based on the experiences of someone who's been there. Hax is an ex-repatriated New Englander with a liberal arts degree and a lot of opinions and that's about it, really, when you get right down to it. Oh, and the shoes. A lot of shoes.

E-mail Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com.

Got more to say? Check out Carolyn's discussion group, Hax-Philes. Comments submitted to the chat may be used in the discussion group.

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