Carolyn Hax Live: I Told My Sister I Wouldn't Be Her Kids' Guardian, My Single Friends Act Too Sexy Around My Husband, Plus Jersey Guy Returns!

Carolyn Hax was online Friday, April 24 at 12 noon ET taking your questions and comments about her current advice column and any other questions you might have about the strange train we call life. Her answers may appear online or in an upcoming column.

Past Carolyn Hax Live Discussions

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Carolyn Hax: Hi everybody. I was all set to go when I remembered I had an update from Jersey Guy ... I'm grabbing it now from my inbox. I promise it's worth the wait.

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Carolyn Hax: Hello Carolyn.

Again, many thanks for taking my question in the first place. So I went into a meeting & never re-checked your chat. Not to mention my mind was going a million miles an hour, with everything that was going on & everything. So I left work & started driving & then next thing I know I'm in the town where the whole fling happened in the first place (deserted this time of year). I go into a bar & begin to drown my sorrows (for lack of a better word) when my buddy calls & asks what I'm up to. I tell him & he's confused (obviously) as to why I'm there so I tell him "I'll explain when you get here." So he comes & over a bunch of beers I explain. We go through the whole "she probably doesn't remember you", "she's probably changed", "she lied to you about something big already" (her age), yada, yada. But the thing that really stuck was that he said "so what's your best case scenario? You two meet up again, fall in love, run off and get married? Ride off into the sunset? Dude she's 19. She doesn't have a clue who she is yet." And I realized he was right.

So after all that I go home & I still didn't know what I was going to do till I saw her -- my fiancee -- and then -- for whatever reason -- I don't know -- I just told her everything. The whole sordid story. And, believe it or not, at first she laughed. (Definitely not the response I was expecting). She was like "Don't you think I have good memories of hot lifeguards from when I was a kid?" but then I guess she saw I was serious and she stopped making light. Then she cried -- hard -- and if you've ever seen someone's heart break right in front of you you know what I mean. After a bit she said "there's still time" meaning like, in regard to our wedding, and that I could take time to sort stuff out. Then she got up to leave and said "You're only human" and at that moment I felt anything but. It was then that I realized I was seeing a side of her I never realized/appreciated/noticed before. She was showing me strength and grace and just unbelievable humanity (for lack of a better word), that I was just floored. I was like, this is exactly the kind of person who I want to spend my life with -- someone who won't freak at any bump in the road, someone who's accepting of faults and the sh*tty things that happen in life, you know? I'll admit it, I started bawling like a baby. I just felt like the world exploded around me. Do you wanna know she came back over & hugged me? Me -- I'd just stomped all over her heart like I was trying to make wine out of it and she's the one hugging me.

I gotta wrap this up because I'm choking up as I'm writing this but I still have a couple things more. I begged -- BEGGED -- her to forgive me. And by the grace of God she did.

When my mom was alive she used to say "everything happens for a reason" & I always thought it was one of those b.s. things people say to make themselves feel better when something crappy happens. But now I get it, and as cheesy as it sounds, I feel like this was a wake up call telling me to count my blessings. To appreciate what's in front of me, what I'm lucky enough to have, you know?

And so I'll tell you this: Next time someone asks me what my future wife is like, I wouldn't just say she's pretty & smart. I'd tell you about the time she hugged the filthiest homeless man I'd ever seen after listening to him tell his story for 10 minutes in Feb. in NY, snow everywhere and not a cab to be found, and she'd taken the time to not only listen to this guy, but to care about what he was saying, to worry about his situation. Or I'd tell you about the way the kids in her class faces light up when she walks into the room, and how she spent her own money -- money she sure as sh*t didn't have -- to help with school supplies. Or I'd tell you about how she throws her head back when she laughs, like it might be the last time she ever gets to do it, you know? Or about the time she didn't have dime to her name so instead of buying me a birthday gift she spent months making me one, and damn it if it's not the one thing I've ever gotten that I wish I could show my mother, God rest her soul. Or I'd tell you about the time I was acting like the biggest jackass known to man, thinking of leaving her for some girl I don't even know, and she still had it in her to forgive me.

So I guess that's it Hax. Just want to say thank you for taking my question and for caring about my story. I'm really thankful it turned out good because when I first wrote to you I was scared out of my mind it wouldn't.

-- Jersey Guy

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Carolyn Hax: I had to scour it for things he might not want printed, that's what took a couple of minutes -- but you have most of it. So, happy Friday, everybody.

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Dalton, Ga.: I'm 41, married and I want to adopt a baby. My husband does not. I love him very much but, I'm afraid that this will cause a divorce. My family tells me that if he "really" loved me, he would consider what I want. What do you think?

Carolyn Hax: I think I'd like to throttle your family. (They aren't by any chance -- ahem -- large and vindictive, are they?)

If your husband "really" loves you, he'll consider adopting a child, vs. rejecting the idea out-of-hand. But if he feels he wouldn't/couldn't give a child the love that child would need and deserve, then he has to say no.

I'm sorry he doesn't feel the same way you do about adopting a child, and I'm sorry you're faced with this horrible choice. But sometimes horrible choices are what you get when people act with integrity. The solution isn't to sell out the integrity just because it's inconvenient, and because the grownups don't want to say no to themselves; the only solution is to make the best choice possible under the circumstances. One of the things you want will probably cost you the other, and all you can do is decide which you can't imagine your life without. Awful, but there it is.

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Georgia: Hi Carolyn,

In my first marriage, I was on the receiving end of The Silent Treatment, so I know firsthand how destructive and hurtful it can be. I am now in a happy marriage with a wonderful man, and I am starting to realize that HE may now be the receiver of this. I've had a really hard time at work and in my family life lately -- several serious crises -- and then there is this one issue between me and him that we've talked to death and tried to resolve but it's still just a big giant ball of hurt, and I find myself being quiet, moody, untalkative, withdrawn at home. I know in my heart of hearts how unfair I'm being to him but I can't make myself stop it and lighten up! How do you make yourself snap out of a three-week long bad mood?

Carolyn Hax: I'm not sure you can -- you've got to keep working the emotional knot, and that's going to take whatever time it takes. But you can spare him the silent treatment during this time by stating clearly that you know you're being sullen and difficult, and that you don't want to be, so you're working really hard to try to get to the other side. Thank him for his patience, ask him for a little more, and make a conscious effort to continue with these updates as you go, or even just small gestures of affection.

If you're not sure how to start or what to say, just try to remember what it felt like to be on the receiving end of a partner's withdrawal -- you really just want the person to throw you a crumb, to let you know it's okay. That's something you can do for your husband now.

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Bethesda, Md.: My husband and I, both 24, were the first in our social circle to get married. Most of our friends are still in school or working in large cities, and either way they have more active dating lives than I ever had. I don't feel jealous -- I love my husband -- but something they all seem to do really bothers me. Whenever we meet up in groups, to chat or have drinks or hang out at the park, the conversation always turns to everyone's latest dating woes. The guys and the girls are equally guilty of indiscretion, but it's the girls I always seem to notice. They go on and on about the club scene where they live and their polygamous sex lives. They wear revealing clothes that I gave up after high school and they often get hit on by strangers while we're hanging out.

What bugs me about this is I don't feel they should be talking and acting that way around my husband, a married man. I would prefer he not be thinking about our female friends' wild sex lives or noticing how hot everyone thinks they are. I know this is why married couples naturally gravitate toward other married couples, but these are the friends we have and I do not want to trade them in, so to speak. In your opinion, can I say something to my girlfriends about how uncomfortable I feel, or since I'm so outnumbered do I have to just suck it up and be miserable around them all the time?

Carolyn Hax: Oh my goodness. First, I can't speak for all married couples, obviously, but this married person does NOT gravitate to other married people because the single ones are flaunting their hotness. I don't even know what to do with this -- do I rail first against the idea that married people cover themselves up when they get married? Because plenty of people dress the way they do because it makes them feel good about themselves, and sometimes their relationship status doesn't change a stitch of what they choose to wear.

But then that demotes to second-rail the whole idea that single people = temptation = a group to avoid once married, when railing against that deserves at least to share top billing.

People have eyes and ears and temptations no matter what they've vowed to whom or why. If your husband misses the single life, he's going to do that whether your friends raise provocative discussions or not.

People who marry young probably do struggle more with the whole issue of regrets and what they may have given up, and their immersion in a world with a lot of raging singles does contribute to that struggle. However, this is the choice you made, and it's going to stand on its merits alone.

In other words, if the only way you can keep your boat from sinking is to put it in dry dock, then that's a choice you and your husband need to make together, I would suggest after as open a discussion as possible. If your boat really is leaking, I also wouldn't suggest blaming it all on the ocean.

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Re: Jersey Guy: Can you link to the original post (for this and for any follow-ups), just so those who don't recall/don't read every week can find the back story?

washingtonpost.com: Carolyn's chat from April 10. Scroll fairly far down and look for the post from Jersey. He wrote in again last week but didn't actually add any details. Which was maddening for us all. - Michele

Carolyn Hax: Nobody knows how we suffered! Thanks, Michele.

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About hard choices: So my sister asked us to be guardians to her kids in the case of her and her husband's death, and we said no because we don't think we have it in us to be parents. This does not mean that we don't love her kids. It just means that we don't want kids and did not have any of our own for a reason. But this has caused friction with my sister. Although she said she understood, she has been withdrawn, stopped inviting us to her kids' birthday parties, and generally has marginalized us from the family. When I asked her if something was wrong, she explained that she is unable to get past the fact that we would be unwilling to give her kids a home in the event that they were orphaned. I don't know how to get past this with integrity.

Carolyn Hax: I am so sorry. The way I often construct advice for people who have hit a brick wall is to imagine what the brick wall is thinking. In this case I'm hitting my own brick wall, because I can't imagine what your sister is thinking. Hurt feelings, check, fear of a future in which the kids are orphaned, check, disbelief that you aren't as devoted to her kids as she is ... ? Maybe that's where I'm getting stuck. The buck stops with a parent, and everyone else -- everyone, even grandparents -- can pass it. Maybe you have reasons that others might deem selfish, but it's your life and they're your reasons. It's not a warm-fuzzy-family way to look at the world, but there it is.

And so as hurt or incredulous as your sister may be, it's just beyond the pale for her to punish you for your decision -- and your candor. And if she did have a good reason, then she owed it to you to say it to your faces, and not profess to understand while doing anything but.

I guess she has now, but now that damage is done.

Since the route to reconciliation is through "being the brick wall," I think your best move would be just to name the brick wall in your argument for being allowed into the children's lives again. "We may have disappointed you in our decision not to be guardians, but that doesn't mean we don't love your kids or want to be part of their lives. We hope we can still play a significant role -- both now and in the unlikely event something unspeakable happens."

There's not much you can do beyond that, except continue to act as you always have around your family. Your sister can leave you out of things she plans, but there's no reason that should stand in the way of your interacting as always with everyone else. Sometimes you just have to will yourself to act as you did before.

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For The Married Girl With Single Friends: It strikes me that this woman is enforcing a lot of our bad social prejudices, too. She acknowledges that the men in her group are just as "guilty of indiscretion" (guilty?!) as the women, but it's the women who bother her more. We're not a culture that holds men and women to equal standards when it comes to expressing sexuality, and she's probably been a victim of that herself. Also, why should them talking about their lives now be any different than before the wedding? I get the sense that there's a lot going on under the surface of this woman's question, and she might want to evaluate her own assumptions about men and women.

Carolyn Hax: Agreed. I saw it as a he's-my-man-and-vixens-be-gone reflex, but you're right that even if it were a legitimate reflex to act upon (which it isn't, said the broken record), it doesn't justify the double standard. Thanks muchly.

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Re: Jersey Guy follow-up: Wow. That was just... wow. I sincerely hope he meant every word of that and that it wasn't just BS, because that's a fantastic ending to what could have been a really awful situation.

Carolyn Hax: yeh, I had the same reaction -- thought it was perfect, hoped it wasn't too perfect ...

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East Haven, Conn.: I submitted this to your Inbox, but it would help if you can answer soon, since I will be dealing with this woman and her daughter this weekend.

I belong to a club with my teenage daughter, and I am close friends with "Sandra" and her daughter. Due to the nature of this club, I am often responsible for these girls and their welfare. My daughter was talking to her daughter via IM, and this girl wanted to visit a boyfriend in another town. I don't know how much my daughter knew about the situation. I was going to this town the next day, so my daughter asked me if I could drop off this girl at the library, not as part of this club but as a personal favor. I said okay, and did that. I got a call about an hour later from Sandra, saying that she lied to her and to me about her whereabouts. Sandra is now not speaking to me. How culpable am I, and what should I do, if anything to rectify the situation?

Carolyn Hax: Certainly you missed a chance to ask your daughter why Sandra wasn't driving her daughter herself. Just from what you wrote hear, it sounds as if you were an easy mark for the two girls.

However, blaming the whole thing on you sounds an awful lot like the column this week (will check the date in a second) about blaming Sally the Mistress for one's father's indiscretions. Sandra can't stop speaking to her daughter, who is ultimately to blame here, so Sandra's choosing the easier one to blame and laying it all on you. You, she can freeze out easily.

I hope for both of your sakes that Sandra remembers herself, expresses her grievances to you clearly, and allows you to make whatever amends she requires, and that you're willing to make. Would be a good example of courage and transparency for the girls, too, who apparently need one.

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Washington, D.C.: Carolyn, I appreciate your general live-and-let-live approach to advice, but I wonder if sometimes you are too willing to accept that because a person didn't deserve a bad situation, they aren't responsible for it. In the previous nephew/niece guardianship question, I can't help but feel that the path of true moral excellence would be to accept the guardianship with enthusiasm and purpose, despite the fact it could eff up the life the poster wants to live. In other words, the path of true moral excellence accepts that the life we want to live is not always the life we get to live. Obviously we can't all be morally excellent, and morally not horrible is a good start, and I'm not at all sure about this specific question, but in general, I wonder if you ever struggle with how soft to be on people who want "permission" to be acceptable instead of exceptional.

Carolyn Hax: I have struggled quite a bit with this question over the years. But I've actually come to a position that feels right to me, and from which I answer these questions: I believe the people who choose to be acceptable instead of excellent are letting themselves down more severely than they disappoint anyone else.

I also don't think we have the right to punish others for their failure to be exceptional. We can and certainly should celebrate it when it happens, but we can't expect it. Even if we expect or just ask ourselves to be exceptional, the best we can ask of others is ordinary mortal frailty.

To use the angry sister's behavior as just one example: It shows she asked for excellence, as if "no" were a real option, when in fact she expected excellence and "no" wasn't an option she recognized. By the standards you set out, she's just as guilty of being morally unexceptional as the childless relatives are.

That's just the short version of why I feel more comfortable with the cosmic system or rewards and punishment than the human one. For people who do push themselves, there are immeasurable payoffs that aren't available to those who don't. I think that system has much less room for error than letting us go around judging and punishing others. Even the most level-headed and perceptive of us have only a part of anyone else's story.

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Bethesda Married Girl again: Maybe I didn't explain myself well. My marriage is not in trouble and I'm not afraid my husband is being reminded of what it was like to be a "raging single." It's my friends themselves that bug me. When Friend A is recounting the story of how her last date ended with making out in a cab, or men walking by are commenting on Friend B's amazing chest, it seems only natural that my husband would process the story by taking a closer look at Friends A and B. In my view, more mature people respect each other's marriages by not presenting those kinds of temptations. I wouldn't talk about my sex life with my friends' boyfriends or dates because only my husband should look at me in a sexual way. So I don't get why you and that other poster reacted as though I'm being outrageous.

Carolyn Hax: Because you're being outrageous. Your husband could just as well be looking at your friends during tales of their exploits and saying, wow, A and B are gross. I can assure you he already noticed B's chest and decided whether it was amazing long before any of your friends prattled on about it.

You have constructed a wall in your mind between marriage and singlehood that I don't think exists. When you know someone is in a life commitment, you don't hit on that person. Otherwise, you're all just people.

Now, if you've outgrown your friends, that's something else. But if you'd enjoy their raunchy tales in unmixed company and it's just having your husband there that freaks you out, then I think you're getting worked up over something that "more mature people" shrug off.

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follow-up to hard choices: My sister is my only sibling, parents are deceased, so she is, in effect, my only family other than my husband. Her distance does shut me out of the family, because since she is the one with kids, it all revolves around her. In a way, I enjoyed having access to that kind of dynamic without the responsibility of parenthood. My husband also asked me if I really would be willing to see the kids go to foster care, since we are the only stable relatives in the family. He thinks that since the chances of both parents dying are slim, we should just agree to be guardians in the case of the unthinkable, and if it happens, that we should take it on as best we can because the alternative for the kids would be dire, even if we did not willingly sign up for parenthood ourselves. Does that change anything?

Carolyn Hax: This does help, thank you.

I agree with your husband, but only if you do, and only if that's the essence of the choice -- you or foster care. (In which case your sister gets a few notches in the sympathy column.)

However, I'll admit it would surprise me a little if that were really the choice. Family isn't the only source of potential guardians. Raising kids puts you in regular, often daily contact with all kinds of people who are in the childrearing business -- neighbors, other families, caregivers of all kinds. I can speak only for myself, but I've met more than a couple of people in whose homes I'd be honored -- relieved? -- to place my kids in the event of a catastrophe. You get the fattest insurance policy you can, you choose someone who would be just as honored to have your kids, you wear your seat belts and you trust. I would take in unrelated kids in a second, if a friend asked me. I could even argue that guardians in your sister's area who already have kids and who know her kids would be less jarring for them -- again, should the rarest and worst come true.

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Honolulu, Hawaii: Dear Carolyn:

I told my husband last week of a year-long affair with a former colleague. I've since ended the affair. Last night my husband asked for his phone number so that he could call and confirm that the affair is over and I'm assuming to tell him to stay away. I think this is an awful idea and have told him so. Your thoughts?

-- Remorseful and Confused

Carolyn Hax: It's an awful idea. Your marriage lives or dies on your ability to stay away from the other man, and on your husband's ability to believe in you. Neither has a thing to do with the other man himself, and neither cause is advanced by a call to the other man.

In your husband's defense, it sounds as if he's feeling helpless and needs to do something, anything concrete to feel like he has some control over what's happening to him. I wish I could suggest something, but there's no such thing. That's why my advice is always of the take-care-of-yourself variety when it comes to grief. (And this is grief for him, make no mistake.) His chasing down the guy can't confirm the affair is over, and so may leave him feeling worse than he did before he called.

If your husband keeps pressuring you for the number, you're going to be in a tough spot -- protecting him in a way that looks distinctly like protecting yourself and the other man. Just calmly remind him this is between you, and consider taking this show to marriage counseling. Ending the affair doesn't fix what started it, nor does it come with instructions on how to put yourselves back together again.

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Saginaw, Mich.: Carolyn, I was reading the comments and discussion from April 9 from Schmuckville. I am Schmuckville's ex-girlfriend and I was hoping for a chance to respond.

Carolyn Hax: Two questions: 1. Were you the girlfriend April 9 and are now the ex, and 2. What's holding you back?

I will hold back the ravenous dogs while you type. (You'd think they'd be mellow now, what with the Jersey bone they just got.)

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Re: guardians: Interesting (I hope) anecdote: My parents selected a single family friend to be their kids' guardian, should anything have happened to them. My dad had two married siblings at the time, and my mom (an only child) had a married college friend who probably would have been next the most obvious choice. But they thought that my godmother would raise us most like they would want us raised. (One family didn't share my parents' emphasis on education, another was really weird about money, and my parents guessed correctly that the third marriage would end in divorce and didn't want to risk us getting mixed up in that.)

I'm sure at the time, it must have seemed like an unconventional choice. My parents and my godmother had been friends for only about 8 years when I was born, and who knows which friendships will last? But it definitely did, and she was always an important part of our lives growing up, as were the three runner-up families.

I always thought it was cool that they chose a single, unmarried woman as the best guardian for their kids. I know my godmother took the responsibility very seriously, and would have made a good parents if it had ever come to that.

Carolyn Hax: Thanks. As always, a real example helps it make sense, and real examples are often the one thing I can't provide.

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Why Marrieds Hang with Other Marrieds: From my single days, I always assumed the married people gravitated to each other for the sole purpose of boring any unfortunate singles in the vicinity into a coma with their talk of mortgage refis, kids, and vinyl siding. I'd have killed to hang out with some fun, trampy singles.

I think the older you get, the less you think of marriage as this wormhole gate that forces you to dress, think, talk, and behave like a pod person.

Carolyn Hax: A little hope-driftwood to cling to, thanks.

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bow chicka wow wow: After we had some guests this weekend, my husband and I have been discussing nooky etiquette. We all know there's no sex in the champagne room, but what about someone else's home? Is it okay to have sex in someone else's guest bed (assuming, of course, that you're staying overnight and not just sneaking away during a dinner party)? Is it okay to have sex in your bedroom when you have guests over? Does marital status matter? Does who the guests are matter? As we talked this through, I thought, aha! Carolyn will have a good answer to this. Don't fail me now, Carolyn!

Carolyn Hax: It's possible I'm posting this just for your "City, State" entry, but I do have an answer for you: If I don't know where you're doing it, then I don't care where you're doing it. You can't make your guests or hosts uncomfortable.

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calling the other man: Having been the victim of cheating myself, I can relate to the husband wanting to talk to the other guy. In this situation you are left with only one source of information -- the spouse who just cheated on you -- so it can be very difficult to trust what they say about how the affair started, why and if it's over. I think you often just want some other source of information -- whether that be the third person, or emails or someone else who knew about the affair -- anything to help you find some solid ground. Maybe you can offer him some other point of reference that doesn't involve calling the guy?

Carolyn Hax: Interesting idea. Since you all have more time to think than I do, can anyone offer an example of "some other point of reference"?

If we want to close the loop from a few weeks ago, I can offer, "ask the doorman."

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Ravenous dog: And, Restroom Cell Phone Guy, are you out there?

washingtonpost.com: So far, he hasn't written in with this week's unexpected ring tone - Michele

Carolyn Hax: Can't top MmmBop, I guess.

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no sex in the champagne room: What is the Champagne room? I don't even have a walk-in closet, but now I want a Champagne Room! And I WOULD have sex in it! With Champagne!

Carolyn Hax: Took me a second, but I'm thinking the chamber in which bride gets looped with bridesmaids before wedding ceremony. Si?

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For Bow Chika Wow Wow: Sex in other people's homes is like camping: leave no trace, and don't disturb the natural inhabitants.

Carolyn Hax: We are officially off the rails.

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RE: Calling the "other man": My husband had an affair that lasted about 6 months with a coworker. I know her name, where she works (obviously), her email and phone number, and where she lives. Some of it I knew before the affair came to light and the rest I found online during moments of panic and pain. I cannot tell you how many times I have been on the brink of contacting her. Sometimes to yell, sometimes to ask if it's really over, sometimes just so I can hear what her voice sounds like.

But I never actually do it. Partly because we're already dealing with some pretty epic trust issues and this would just toss another big old log on the fire. But mostly because, childish or not, I do find comfort in not allowing myself to get to that level. I have been amazed at all the ways I've dealt with this situation and no matter what happens with my marriage, I know I have behaved in a way that I can be proud of. Calling this woman and tearing her apart or getting hysterical would take me to a place I just don't want to go.

Carolyn Hax: I'm not sure how one would beam this message to the distraught husband, but it's very useful, I think. Thanks for being willing to explore what must be some very low moments.

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New England Married Girl: Dear Carolyn,

My situation is a bit of the flipside of Bethesda Married Girl's. I'm also in my early twenties and married, but have a social life fairly separate from my husband (as he is generally a less social person than I). Most of my friends are also single and often our conversations migrate to the topic of break-ups, unrequited love, and current crushes.

I actually like taking part in these discussions as I have gone through these sorts of things myself and it makes me feel like "one of the girls" to be able to talk about boys with them. But at the same time, I feel awkward because, frankly, I am so totally happy in my relationship and situation, that I often feel like a hypocrite if I say "oh I've been there" even though I have. I want to help my friends when they are having boy problems, but I'm afraid any advice comes out sounding snotty. Which is not who I am at all.

To me, being married hasn't changed who I am as a person or what my experiences have been. And I love being married to my husband. How do I mesh the reality of being married with wanting to be accepted by my single friends?

Carolyn Hax: Is it really about wanting to be accepted by them? I would hope it's about not wanting to annoy them.

I guess that jumped out at me because there can be several reasons for weighing in with I've-been-theres, and only some of them are welcome contributions to a discussion. If you're trying to fit in or ingratiate yourself, then your friends will probably spot it. That's when you see people rolling their eyes. If on the other hand you're jumping in because you sympathize, because you remember those feelings so well, because you still have them but in X or Y situation now, then people won't think of it as anything but natural that you jump in.

It's not just the motivation that makes a difference here. It's also your concept of where you are in life. If you're looking at their stage of life or problems as Stuff I Never Have to Worry About, then you will come off ... not so much as a hypocrite, as you fear, but as smug or superior.

Truth is, no matter how happy you are now, you're just a subject to the vagaries as anyone else. You're actually in a different part of the same territory as Bethesda, seeing marriage as some kind finish line, whew, did it, that item's off the list. The specifics of what your friends are living right now are different from the specifics of your life, but we all feel and wrestle with the same love, fear, joy, doubt, insecurity, betrayal. Come at it that way and you'll be fine.

And if you give advice only when asked, you'll be even finer.

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Champagne Room: Everyone needs to listen to more Chris Rock. It's the special back room in the strip clubs where you get "special treatment" for a whole lot more money... but there is no sex in the champagne room. No matter how sexy it sounds and how much it costs

Carolyn Hax: Agh, I totally missed this. Of course. And you're right, I do need to listen to more Chris Rock.

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Harrisburg, Pa.: Hello, Carolyn!

I'm a college student living in a dorm with two adult RAs, who are a married couple with two young children. They are both warm, friendly people and I really respect them both. I've noticed, though, that recently they've started to take personal digs at each other in public, even going so far as to call the other "stupid" in front of me and my fellow dorm-mates. (This has roughly coincided with the birth of their second child, so I'm thinking it could be the extra stress.) Unfortunately, this mostly comes from the husband, who will roll his eyes at his wife, groan, etc. when she speaks. Needless to say, this really bothers me and can make a group situation uncomfortable quickly. Question is, should I say anything to them or the husband when this happens or after the fact? I feel like I should stick up for his wife, but at the same time I feel like it's a) none of my business and b) they're both technically authority figures, which makes me feel awkward about speaking up. Any thoughts on what I should do, if anything?

Thanks so much!

Carolyn Hax: This is a tough one, and the authority-figure angle actually makes very little difference. No matter who it is, if they aren't close enough friends for you to say, "Hey, I'm sure you don't even know you're doing it, but you're being awfully tough on X lately," then you're stuck with the only two tools you have left: looking uncomfortable, and showing a little extra kindness to the dumped-on party, including but not limited to asking in private if s/he's okay. Something as harsh as "stupid" offers a bit more of an opportunity, since you can "wow" that one audibly.

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Hoboken, N.J.: Is it wrong of me to be pissed that the very first question my MIL asked upon hearing I was pregnant was, "Was it planned?"?

Carolyn Hax: No, but please don't hold it against her forever. You'll all be better off if you go into this with the frame of mind that mulligans are good. Give them freely. Ideally you'll receive them as freely as you give, but there's no guarantee you will. So, just set the example and reap the internal benefits, at least.

And, congratulations!

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Calling the "other" woman: If your husband is the one having an affair with my sister, please call her and tell her she's an idiot. Because I can't seem to get through to her. Thank you.

Carolyn Hax: An angle I hadn't considered, thanks.

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St Paul, Minn.: So I was on a date this week, and the guy made a comment that's a red flag that he does not respect women, and I initially let it slide. When he calls me to ask me out again, do I have to tell him why I don't think we're a good fit? I really would like the red flag to be there for the next girl!

If it makes a difference, the red flag was him referring to an ex as a 'slut' in explanation as to why he had never been married nor had children.

Carolyn Hax: Okay, I must be tired, and that's why this is going to be my last question today, but I actually read your question and laughed out loud.

There's something about a guy fulminating about his "slut" ex-girlfriend WHILE DATING SOMEONE (apparently) VERY NEW, that just says "Bad Date" like they only make them in Hollywood.

No, misogyny isn't funny, and no, you don't have to explain why you're "not a good fit," language that also struck me as perversely funny.

I'm sorry. There's no excuse for me. I'm going now.

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"Was it planned?": Geez, Mom, I don't even know whose it is!

Happy Weekend!

Carolyn Hax: So you all know it's not just me.

Bye, happy weekend, thanks for stopping by.

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guardians: My aunt (married, without kids) once told me she was the guardian of another aunt's children. There were four of them. She and hubby were very uptight, neat and breakable so I incredulously asked, "really, you'd take four kids into your home?" She said, "well, no. But we'd find a boarding school for them." Yikes. The last is nearing high school graduation, both parents still living, thank goodness.

Carolyn Hax: Just to round things out ... a. k. a., why "yes" isn't always the heroic answer ...

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Re: Harrisburg: At most colleges, there is a Dean of Housing or some such person who she could go to and discuss the situation. If this couple cannot keep there personal problems personal, they should not be in a position of authority over young adults.

Carolyn Hax: Excellent point, thanks. Nice when there's an authority to which a problem can be bumped -- a luxury not available to plain old acquaintances.

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Carolyn Hax offers readers advice based on the experiences of someone who's been there. Hax is an ex-repatriated New Englander with a liberal arts degree and a lot of opinions and that's about it, really, when you get right down to it. Oh, and the shoes. A lot of shoes.

Have more to say? Check out Carolyn's discussion group, Hax-Philes. Comments submitted to the chat may be used in the discussion group.

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