Carolyn Hax Live: Dealing with Miscarriages, Financial Support for Elderly Parents, Do I Have to Reveal That I'm Sleeping Around? And More

Carolyn Hax was online Friday, May 1 taking your questions and comments about her current advice column and any other questions you might have about the strange train we call life. Her answers may appear online or in an upcoming column.

Past Carolyn Hax Live Discussions

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Carolyn Hax: Happy Friday, everybody. This week, we'll start with Jersey Guy's reimagining of "Dr. Zhivago."

Kidding.

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Philly: Dear Carolyn:

I wanted to revisit your advice last week to Bethesda from the other side. I know you didn't agree with her theory that singles should modify their behavior to make their coupled friends comfortable, but in your opinion, what ARE my responsibilities as a single girl whose friends increasingly bring their boyfriends and fiances everywhere we go? Often I'm literally the only one without a date, and sometimes I think my friends feel the way Bethesda does. I don't know whether I am expected to try to make friends with their partners, ignore them, or what.

I know it's a little unreasonable for them to expect me to radically change my behavior for this situation, but because I love my friends, I am willing to support them by not presenting an annoyance in social situations. What's the ideal balance here? Something between pawing all over them and pretending they don't exist? By the way, I'm 26.

Carolyn Hax: These are dates and boyfriends and fiances second; first, they're people. So, you behave as you would any time you're around people who are new to you in a social setting. That includes trying to make pleasant and adult conversation, showing an interest while not going overboard, sharing who you are while not going overboard, and reading the room to help you figure out if you're handling yourself appropriately. This advice would be the same if you were married.

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Anonymous: Hi Carolyn,

I am having sex with three people right now. (Not literally right now, but you get the idea.) Two of them have no idea there is anyone else and the third one might or might not. My friends say I'm being deceptive but I say it's fair game as long as I don't pretend I'm being exclusive and we always use protection. Who's right?

Carolyn Hax: My evil twin hopes you fall hard for someone who treats you the same way you're treating these three people.

The answer to your specific question is that you're telling a lie of omission. Certainly if your sex partners are telling themselves they're in an exclusive relationship, then they need to take better care of themselves. However, I equate their mistake to letting an insurance policy lapse. That makes you the natural disaster for which they failed to prepare.

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Oh, Crap: So, how much money are you obligated to give to elderly parents? My husband and I are getting socked with both our penniless mothers. My mother lived by all the rules but was left with huge medical bills when my dad died. She is extremely frugal and worked until she was seventy-freakin-five. Now she lives with my sister and we partially support her. We are all fine with this.

Now my much-younger MIL has notified us that she is out of money. She took early retirement, traveled, and bought a lot of fifth-rate art. Now she wants money, and is appalled that we might expect her to live in a small apartment and be frugal. She thinks we are loaded, but we have kids and other obligations.

What kind of lifestyle do we owe her? I am obviously not objective, because I have had to forcibly resist using the phrase "vicious drunken harpy." Guidelines, please.

Carolyn Hax: Expect her to live in a small apartment and be frugal. There is nothing wrong with that. You and your husband decide how much you are able and willing to spare, and then he sits down with his mom and explains the new reality, spelled out to the line item, if needed, in a budget. If she wants a grander lifestyle, she can get a job.

I'm not sure I can emphasize enough that this entire message needs to come from her son.

This is where I stand on the front stoop smiling and waving and saying, "Good luck!" in an unnaturally cheery voice.

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Olney, Md.: After nearly two years together, my boyfriend ended things abruptly. He came to my house, told me "I can't be in a relationship and give you the commitment you want," and then he left, leaving me hanging. Flash forward two months. We finally talk. He admits that he had a panic/freakout and handled things poorly. He's miserable without me. We agreed to take things slow and see where they are going. I love and miss this man, but am terrified of getting hurt again. He handled things so terribly. Not sure I can trust him with my heart. And yet, I want him back so bad. I am conflicted. This could happen again. Do I give it a try, or just move on?

Carolyn Hax: I dunno. After he left, did you look back on your relationship through the lens of your new knowledge, and see things that you now recognized as signs of immaturity, impulsiveness, poor communication? Because the strength of a relationship isn't just in how much you like each other, but also in how you handle life -- and the ability to trust somebody grows from such sources of strength. You have two years plus two months' worth of information on him. Use all of it, not just, "He hurt me," "We missed each other," "I want him back." Those are whats; you need whys.

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Carolyn Hax: Whyes?

Whies?

Wise!

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Orlando, Fla.: I'm a middle-aged woman who works from home. Been trying to get my fledging art business off the ground for the last three years. Unfortunately my family does not view what I do as work. To them I am dutiful daughter/stay-at-home mom/homemaker. My phone rings usually several times a day with calls from aging parents who live far away and won't move closer to me, or college student kid who is suffering latest crisis. A lot of times they all just want to talk to blow off steam from their problems and I am the only ear available. I knew I would be the caregiver to my parents eventually, and I know my kid will continue to become more independent.

I'm torn! Part of me feels it's my job, part of me feels guilty for not wanting to listen when I know there will come a day when there will be no more calls, and part of me is so frustrated at the endless interruptions. My work is artistic in nature and I need peaceful quiet time to think and concentrate. The family members are calling when it is most convenient for them, but this often means dinner time or work time for me. I know if I were at a normal 9 to 5 job they wouldn't dare disturb me unless EMS was involved, but they view what I do as an interruptible hobby. What can I say (respectfully) to get them to respect my time?

Carolyn Hax: Nothing. Figure out a schedule for your workday that best lends itself to productivity. (For example, if you need long unbroken stretches to get creative momentum, plan out a day with a multi-hour block of work, a 30 to 90 minute break, then another multi-hour block of work. If you need frequent breaks, adjust accordingly.)

Then, apply your schedule to your phone use. If you are in a multi-hour stretch, don't answer the phone. If you are on break, answer. You can use your breaks to play your messages to see if anyone really needs you. And if you're concerned about emergencies, you can check your messages during work hours any time you get to a natural break in the work flow.

It's not as if you've picked up every ringing phone in your life; you do, presumably, have a mouth full of food occasionally, and you go to the bathroom, and take other calls. So you can do this call-rescheduling without explanation, certainly without apology, and without putting a serious dent in your role as caregiver and ear, which you do seem to value.

It's just a matter of organizing your responsibilities so you aren't stuck dividing your attention, and that, in turn, is a matter of recognizing there are other ways to be supportive than to be at everyone's beck and call. As in, YOU need to respect your time.

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Washington, D.C.: Through the magic of Facebook I had the opportunity to get back in contact with an ex-girlfriend. I'm not interested in reigniting past flames, but I feel guilty about how I treated her and how I ended things with her. This all happened many years ago and through our brief conversations I don't detect any ill will but I still can't shake my guilt. I think if I offered some sort of apology it would be strictly to relieve this guilty feeling so that seems like an even more selfish direction. I'm stuck on how to handle this. Do I apologize or try to work through my guilt? Short of an apology how would I relieve my guilty feelings?

Carolyn Hax: Oh, yeah, apologize. The barriers to apology are usually of the should-I-dredge-up-bad-memories or the I-have-ulterior-motives varieties. You have neither obstacle here, since you're already in touch and you don't want anything from her. So why not just say it has always bothered you that you treated her badly? Not just to relieve her guilt, but to let her know she deserved better?

(Rhetorical questions to which I'm sure I'll get many answers ...)

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For Orlando: Don't just not answer the phone. Turn it off.

Carolyn Hax: Right. If the ring is distracting. I can work through mine, so I leave it on just as a signal that I need to check a message later.

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You made my day: The Princess Bride reference to the scene with Billy Crystal just totally made my day. Thanks!

Carolyn Hax: Can't believe you got that.

"Good luck storming the castle!!!"

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Are we allowed to be happy?, DC: Dear Carolyn: My partner of seven years and I are weathering these economic times fairly well. Partner has a good job with the federal government and I have a small trust that provides for my income. This came from an inheritance I received when I started college 12 years ago. I worked for several years after college and now I'm a "house guy" since, ahem, I'm a guy. We are fairly frugal and have been saving for a couple of big vacation trips this year. The problem? We're a close to several people who are out of work and struggling. When we see these friends we tend not to say much (or nothing at all) about the trip planning unless asked. We know how fortunate we are and thank God everyday. How do we handle their disappointment in their circumstances while being happy in our own? We have these friends to dinner frequently and help out wherever we can. Thanks for any helpful thoughts.

Carolyn Hax: For unlucky people, the two most important things lucky people can do is not take their good fortune for granted, and not rub it in anyone's face. It sounds as if you're already doing exactly what you need to do.

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"The Princess Bride" erratum: The quote is actually "Have fun storming the castle!"

Not that I'm a freak or anything for knowing that.

Carolyn Hax: Oh, I think you're right. Dammit.

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sex with three people: I was once one of those three. I can't tell you how painful it was to discover the other two. Every bruise, cold, etc. was greeted with panic about the possibility of a deadly sexually-transmitted virus. Please stop it right now.

Carolyn Hax: Thanks.

It's just still gnawing at me, the whole attitude of regarding something as okay because of some imagined technicality. What that really means in translation is that someone is going out of his or her way to justify treating other people like crap.

So, repeating my answer to this person, because it's my party and I can harp if I want to: No, it's not okay -- especially not with something so trust-dependent as sex, but also not even with something petty, like zooming up the breakdown lane to get farther ahead in a traffic jam. Stop seeing your needs as special and others' needs as mere obstacles to getting what you want. It doesn't get you ahead, it makes you a jerk.

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To Facebooker: I have been the ex-girlfriend who was apologized to, many years later, by the ex-boyfriend who treated me badly. HELL YES, apologize. It's not like she doesn't know you were a wanker, and hearing you admit it, there's no downside to that. Even if she's not harboring any serious resentment.

Carolyn Hax: I might say especially if, but the point stands. Thanks.

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Anonymous: Any advice for a mind-numbing task that has to get done today, but makes me want to bang my head against my desk and toss my computer out the nearest available window?

Carolyn Hax: Wait! I have a friend for you ...

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Indiana: Any advice for a law student trying to stay focused/sane amidst a mile of books, law reviews, and cases as exams begin?

Carolyn Hax: You two should talk. Actually, you probably shouldn't, because you won't get anything done.

I would suggest in both cases the forced-motivation strategy: Get A done, reward yourself with B. Get C done, reward yourself with D. Keep both the work increments and the rewards really small.

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Carolyn mixed up a Princess Bride quote?: Inconceivable!

(Sorry, I couldn't resist.)

Carolyn Hax: You mean, "Incontheivable!"

A redeemer of sorts, I hope.

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Impatient Central: Got any ideas on where I can store my impatience while my six month relationship develops? My mind is fidgety and unsure but I'm trying to do as I've been asked -- to give this some time to grow. It's never taken this long and I can't decide if I'm being asked to do something I can't do OR if I should see this as a challenge that will help me overcome this not-so-great-trait. Thanks much!

Carolyn Hax: Don't store it, aim it at something else. Excess nervous energy is too valuable a resource to squander. Start an exercise program, reorganize your closets, take on a regular volunteer commitment ... anything that qualifies as self-improvement would work.

That way, you accomplish two things: You'll be busier, which will help you obsess less, and you'll also change your frame of reference, which will (I hope) help you think more objectively about this person and this relationship.

Once you get caught up in the wanting of someone or something, one of the first things to go is your ability to see the day-to-day reality of the person or thing. Your imaginings take over. Whatever you can do to disrupt that wishful-thinking process will be invaluable both in the short-term and in the long-.

You know. Deep, cleansing breaths.

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Midwest: Hi Carolyn, long time first time as they say.

My wife has had several miscarriages in the last year and I'm grasping at straws on how to be there for her. We're in our late 30s, have no kids, and have been trying for over a year. She's a very private person so virtually nobody knows about this -- I'm the support system. Now, I'm a nice guy and all but my wife is slowly coming unwound and it's not like I can just wave a magic wand and make the next pregnancy a healthy one. We're seeing doctors and eating the right things and not mixing our meth with our cigarettes and everything; it's just not working out so far. And that makes it all the harder to deal with, because my wife is so depressed about something we really can't change. What to do?

Carolyn Hax: I am so sorry you're going through this. It's a special kind of grief -- it's not just back-to-back losses, which under most other circumstances are rare in the human experience, but it's also a grief that looks forward instead of back. Very difficult to keep from getting swallowed by it.

It's also a lot of pressure on you to keep supporting your wife when you're already depleted for your own reasons. Since I do think you need outside support, urgently, and since you say your wife is private by nature, I think you're naturals for seeking online support. I've gotten good feedback from readers about RESOLVE (www.resolve.org), so please have a look.

If this is something you've already tried, please write back and I'll see what else I can do.

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Not the Vatican: To Anonymous regarding sex with 3: Seriously? Is the Catholic Church running things now? Every sperm is sacred? Sure she/he should tell them that they're not exclusive, though it doesn't sound like that is assumed anyway; besides assumptions are for asses. Why all the hate? Carolyn, I'm very disappointed in you.

Carolyn Hax: I can live with that.

It's not about the tomcatting/catting. It's about the callous attitude of the question. The "hey it's fair game" when other human beings are involved, the I'm-exploiting-my-loophole-and-eff-everybody-else idea. If it were just about taking a prudish attitude toward sex, you might have a point, but I already said it wasn't just about that.

Oh, and it's not "hate," it's disgust.

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Washington, D.C.: Life is pain princess. Anyone who tells you differently is trying to sell you something.

I think you should answer all your questions only with Princess Bride quotes. Like a Magic 8-ball.

Carolyn Hax: I'd laugh, but I think I've already come dangerously close to doing just that.

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Short Term Solution: My partner is miserable living where we do. I also want to move, so we've formed a long-term plan. We've got an idea where we want to go, are looking for jobs and housing. Obviously this is not the best time to be looking for jobs long-distance. I'm hoping we can achieve our goal within 12-18 months. What can I do to alleviate his daily misery? I want him to be happy, but the prospect of 18 months of unhappiness is the 800-pound gorilla in our lives.

Carolyn Hax: Have you had the "What can we do about this?" conversation? Pardon me if it's an obvious question. It's just that the exact phrasing of the appeal establishes two things with your husband: that you stand ready to help, and that something needs to be done.

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Exclusivity: How is exclusive different from being engaged or married or living together? I'm serious. If you can't see other people but aren't serious enough to get engaged/live together, why limit yourself when someone better could be out there? It's as dopey as being pre-engaged.

Carolyn Hax: Being exclusive is different from being engaged or married or living together. It's all a matter of degree -- when people get together, they try on increasing levels of commitment.

You date around when you barely know someone or haven't made up your mind (nothing wrong with that as long as nobody's being misled); you spend more time with one person as your feelings start to grow stronger -- not because you have to, because you want to; you become exclusive when you're starting to look out for the other person's feelings as you would your own, and it's mutual, which is hard to do when you're also giving of yourself to someone(s) else.

If the rewards of that arrangement grow with time instead of fade, then you start to think in terms of making the arrangement permanent.

None of these stages is about limiting oneself; in fact, if that's the way a person sees it, then that person isn't ready for just one person/hasn't found someone who could be their one person. It's about finding someone who expands your emotional life beyond what was possible with anyone else (or any multitude). I've beaten the point to death that commitment for the sake of it is a silly and ultimately lonely enterprise. The only thing driving it should be the desire to be with (and build with) a particular person.

Until then, play away, as long as you're transparent about it -- i.e., as long as you show respect for others.

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re: Midwest Miscarriages: Please let your wife know how hard this is for you as well. Sometimes trying to cheer up/comfort others makes them think you don't care. It may sound strange, but it will make her feel BETTER to know that you hurt also.

Carolyn Hax: Important to watch for, thanks.

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For the miserable partner: I am the miserable partner, and my husband knows. And, because he is in a more specialized area, where we live is dictated by where he can get a job. He is working at it, but it won't change overnight. And, in reality, may never change.

It recently dawned on me I was in control of my happiness -- not my husband. And, if I kept letting hating where we were living affect my mood, I was going to die miserable. So, I've made a concerted effort to be happy. Not Polly-anna happy, because this place still sucks; but I-won't-let-my-dislike-of-this-place-get-me-down happy. And, it works! S/he should try it.

Carolyn Hax: I hope you know, what you did is an incredible and loving gift to your husband. Thanks for spelling it out.

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TGIF ... seriously!: Carolyn,

I hate my boss. I mean I really, really, hate him and don't want to work for him another day. The problem is, I just found out I am pregnant. So, even if I can find another job, I will be starting a job while pregnant. Not the best way to start a new job, right? Oh, hi, I'm settling in nicely, yes, but, by the way, I am pregnant and will soon need three months off! First, I won't even legally be entitled to leave, but even if they let me take it (and I would be seeking a more family-friendly company), they are not going to be pleased! But, I don't think the stress of my current job or my current boss can be very good for my unborn child either. And the thought of putting up with this for the next 8 months is really unpleasant! Any advice??? Oh, and, no, we cannot at all afford to live on my husband's salary alone.

Carolyn Hax: I'd suggest bringing this to the workplace group to get a variety of opinions, but I would also suggest you not get too distracted by the issue of your pregnancy. If you are good at what you do, then your employer will be happy to have you, and a few months without you will be a small price to pay for your good work over the years. That's the short answer, of course, but I would at least explore the idea of looking for work while pregnant.

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Fire Swamp: I'm calling it -- that three-partner dude is a Rodent Of Unusual Size.

Carolyn Hax: Could be three-partner chick, remember.

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Wallingford, Conn.: Quick question -- should I pop the question to my girlfriend while on vacation in Florida this summer? Is it tacky to do this while on a vacation, or will it just make it more special?

Carolyn Hax: Gotta know your girl, Wally. Some would prefer that you set the scene, some would prefer that you ask the day you're sure. For every bride-to-be who cherishes her JumboTron moment, there's a woman in the stands saying to herself, "If a guy ever does that to me, it's over."

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Injured, jobless, expecting: (online only please) So good news first: we're expecting for the first time! The bad news is my SO lost his job unexpectedly and suffered a bad leg injury (also, obviously, unexpectedly). He is obviously in job-search overload and trying to get better but in the meantime we're both feeling totally overwhelmed by what is to come and the need to prepare for a baby. Our plans to move to a bigger place, along with other planned baby purchases and preparations have been temporarily sidelined, we're feeling very unprepared, and meanwhile, my need to nest is in overdrive. Any advice??

Carolyn Hax: All you need for a baby is warm clothing and a safe place for him or her to sleep. Really. The bigger place, the gear, the preparations are societal expectations that have become overblown to the point of madness. You can "nest" by de-cluttering the place you have, and by taking the time to prepare yourself really good food for growing a healthy baby. The rest can wait till you're ready.

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another miscarriage question: I had a miscarriage two weeks ago and I'm completely fine with it. I've always been extremely resilient (I'm not trying to downplay the grief most people feel after one). I'm also not very secretive, so a couple of my friends know, and at first, they thought I was just hiding my grief and encouraged me to let it out. Now that they realize that I'm really okay, they seem annoyed with me, like I'm heartless. I'm not, I was sad, but I'm also pragmatic and just not that emotional of a person overall. I'm more angry with them at this point than anything else and I'm not sure how to handle it.

Carolyn Hax: They "seem" annoyed, or they are annoyed? I swear I am not dismissing your feelings (this is not an "Ohhhhhh, you're PMSing ..." brush-off), but you could still have some hold-over hormonal stuff going on. Please take as objective a look as you can at they way your friends are acting, and if you feel confident in your assessment that they are judging you, then you should speak up.

All you may really need is a one-on-one conversation with the closest of your friends; just having one person understand can quiet a lot of the distress.

BTW, your reaction to your friends is indeed emotional -- so it might help you, before you approach anyone, to figure out what is it about your normally pragmatic self that's so rankled by your friends right now. Pinpointing that might even tell you everything you need to know: whether anything needs to be said, what, and to whom.

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Re: Injured, jobless, expecting: She does at minimum need a car seat or the baby doesn't leave the hospital. Diapers and onesies don't hurt either. Otherwise, agreed that you don't need much to start.

Carolyn Hax: Oh right, car seat. Duh. Thanks. But the rest can be acquired as needed.

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New Haven: Total dork entering to correct that poster's Princess Bride quote:

Life is pain, HIGHNESS. Anyone who says different is SELLING SOMETHING.

Carolyn Hax: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

I'm in Dorkville without a dorktionary.

I know, no one to blame but myself.

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Re Midwest miscarriage: Am I missing something? What does he mean they're not "mixing meth with cigarettes"? Is that a joke?

washingtonpost.com: Yes, it's a joke.

Carolyn Hax: Great. I ran east, and I wound up in Literalopolis.

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Washington, D.C.: Hi Carolyn, love your chats! I've been engaged for about 6 months now to a great guy. I've heard that sex during engagement is supposed to be amazing, but me and my fiance barely do it any more. It started out once a week, then become once every two weeks and now it's even less. We're still very affectionate and spend a lot of time cuddling. We've talked about the decrease in amount of sex. He says he's stressed with work and doesn't need sex as much as other guys. If I want it, I should initiate it, he says. But I'm too timid. Overall, we are very happy and excited about spending our lives together. Should I be worried about our sex life or do you think this is just a phase? Thanks, Bride to be

Carolyn Hax: I'm worried that you're too timid to ask for what you want, especially from the person you've chosen to play the most prominent role in your well-being, beyond your own, for the rest of your life.

Start worrying, start asking, start projecting the results of both into your current visions of your future and see if it's something you really think you can live with. Scratch that -- see if it's something you really want to live with. And if the answer is any incarnation of "no," then take it very seriously.

What you've "heard" is not a particularly useful standard by which to measure your life choices, but there is one thing you do need to keep in mind: Anything on a downward trajectory usually continues that way, and anything on an upward trajectory usually continues that way. So if sex is down, assume it will remain so, just as, say, an upward trend in arguments would likely continue on up.

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Vacation Proposal Again: Oh, I have no intention of making this a JumboTron moment... more of a romantic setting, just the two of us moment. Maybe a quiet restaurant one evening, not too sure yet. She doesn't seem like the kind of person who wants a big announcement in front of a thousand people. I've been thinking of this for quite some time. Any ideas on great proposals? Readers? Anyone? I'm struggling be sure that I do this right.

Carolyn Hax: Please don't be distracted by the JumboTron comment. The issue is what she would like. If she'd like to marry you, I'd imagine she'd like her proposal sooner rather than later. If she likes romantic stories, then she'd like you to plan something. If she likes spontaneity, then she'd like you not to plan anything and say, "Hey, let's get hitched," at the breakfast table some morning. If she likes "Princess Bride," then rent the movie first to check your quotes, or else her having to correct you will kill the moment.

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Swine Flu: How funny is it that my office has posted detailed instructions in the bathroom about how to wash your hands. Not just a reminder to wash your hands, but step-by-step numbered instructions. Including step 5: "turn water off when you are done."

Carolyn Hax: "... with your knees."

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miscarriage again: Probably too late, but they are acting annoyed and making snide comments (they are sisters). "I refuse to believe that nothing ever bothers you! You never get upset over anything! You must be bottling it in" for example. They had a similar reaction years ago when my former boyfriend started dating my best friend. I didn't care at all and they acted offended by it. They said that I make them feel like they overreact to things by my perceived under reaction. I am not bottling in my emotions -- I am just able to intellectualize things and then let them go.

Carolyn Hax: Ugh, okay, I'm with you, that is really obnoxious.

However, just from that example, I think it's about them, not you -- they're judging themselves harshly and making you pay for it, as they've done before.

It's just that this time it has crossed a line, and it's about a child you lost, not a boyfriend. I.e., a situation where you could rightly ... not expect, but maybe hope? they could get over themselves and see that haranguing/needling you for the way you process grief is not exactly the kind of support you need right now.

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pregnant and needs advice: Check with your local health department. WIC (women, infants & children) programs are meant specifically for your type of situation. They can provide information and assistance if you need it for your unborn child and for your infant upon their birth.

Carolyn Hax: Thanks. She can sign up for her local Freecycle group, too. Someone very kindly wrote in to offer her baby gear, and while I can't broker such exchanges I can steer everyone to a forum that's built around them.

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So not a cougar: Any advice for a mid-30s woman dating a mid-20s guy? Neither of us were necessarily looking to date across such an age gap, but we've been friends for quite a while before admitting to our obvious-to-others feelings. When I'm with him, it's great. Communication is fantastic, he's supportive and kind, and I feel like he's my match intellectually and emotionally. There aren't any obvious generational cultural differences, either. Our friends and family think we're perfect for each other. We both feel like this is a very serious relationship with a great future.

When we're not together, my insecurities start whispering "sure it's great now, but what about when you turn 40 and he's only 29?" I like my age, I feel good and no pressure from the so-called biological clock. But I resent this nagging worry about my age now that I'm dating a younger guy. I've always looked young for my age, but I'm definitely not trying to "pass" as younger than my age. I had no idea I had insecurities about my age until now. For what it's worth, he's admitted to similar fears about his age, too -- that I'll suddenly think he's too young.

How to keep our age insecurities in check? I actually looked through old pictures last night reminding myself that the figure flaws I have now are the same ones I had in my 20s and thus aren't the product of aging. I'm not sure if that was a good thing to do or a bad thing, since I really don't want to obsess over visible signs of getting older.

Carolyn Hax: This is probably not the picker-upper you had in mind, but I actually think it would help you to remember that most relationships end for one reason or another. So, it's actually not productive to dwell on any one reason that things might come to an end. Just enjoy what you have and accept upfront that you can't really predict where it will take you. There's no guarantee in any relationship that you won't get hurt, and this one is no different. You cougar, you.

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Carolyn Hax: That should do it for today. Thanks everybody, and type to you next week on THURSDAY at noon. Onetime schedule change. Hope to see you then ... ooh, or on Facebook.

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In her daily column in The Washington Post Style section, Carolyn Hax offers readers advice based on the experiences of someone who's been there. Hax is an ex-repatriated New Englander with a liberal arts degree and a lot of opinions and that's about it, really, when you get right down to it. Oh, and the shoes. A lot of shoes.

E-mail Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com. Have more to say? Check out Carolyn's discussion group, Hax-Philes. Comments submitted to the chat may be used in the discussion group.

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