Dana Milbank: Covered in Tamiflu, Chugging Purell, Swine Flu by Any Other Name, More

Post columnist Dana Milbank serves as the capital's foremost critic of political theater in his Washington Sketch columns, videos and blog posts.

He was online Friday, May 1 at noon ET.

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Dana Milbank: Good afternoon Sketchreaders.

I've noticed they've changed the label of these chats to "humor," which is a bit of a misnomer. I am no Gene Weingarten. I suspect they've done this only because if they label it "politics" and people go to the chat expecting to find Broder-like analysis they will want their money back.

Also I am not feeling very humorous as I have taken Joe Biden's advice and am spending my waking hours under my bed wearing a respirator and massaging Tamiflu cream into my skin.

Fortunately I have a laptop under here, so I will attempt to keep the Tamiflu off the keyboard as I answer your questions.

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Fake fireplace: What other quasi-tasteful home furnishings have you selected for your video series with Mr. Cillizza?

Dana Milbank:

Minor setback on the Cillizza-Milbank video: Our technical production team (Costa Rica's own Gaby Bruna) has asked us to postpone for a week as she does battle with the Washington Post carpentry shop. But we are just about ready to go: In fact I have already received the Sherlock Holmes pipes.

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Boston: Who is the most sneaky funny reporter/columnist at The Post? The one who projects a serious face to the public but is privately very funny. Second, and this may or may not overlap with the first question, which Post reporter/columnist thinks privately (or publicly) that they could do your sketches better than you?

Dana Milbank:

1. Definitely Broder. As viewers of my video from the GOP convention know, he cusses like a sailor.

2. Everybody, but particularly Tim Curran. He is, by the way, awaiting your emails at this very moment: currant@washpost.com. Ladies only.

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re: swine flu: Dana, I saw you at the swine flu hearing but was too shy to say hi. I'm glad you ended up sketching about it. It really was amazing to see the swarm around Specter. So much more compelling than a flu pandemic.

washingtonpost.com: So Much for the Specter of a Flu Pandemic

Dana Milbank: Thank goodness you didn't say hi. I was afraid of all the people in the room and would not have extended my hand in greeting. Fortunately I keep a bottle of Purell in my bag. I drank a full 8 ounces of it during that hearing.

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Tamiflu: I think you're supposed to drink the tamiflu not rub it on your skin. That said don't you think you're being a little hard on Joe? What he said makes perfect sense to me, even if the airlines hate it. If you don't want to catch the flu, (even if you don't think it's lethal, it can't be much fun) It's probably not a good idea to be stuck in a sardine can with hundreds of people coughing ans sneezing.

Dana Milbank:

Uh-oh. I've been rubbing the Tamiflu on my skin and drinking the Purell.

I agree with Joe on the plane thing. My wife is supposed to fly to Phoenix on Sunday night and I'm requiring her to wear an n-95 mask and full hazmat suit.

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Evanston, Ill.: When is Joe Biden going to learn? It is the media's job to make hysterical, panic-inducing, fear-mongering statements. Of course listening to any news program this week would lead you to the exact same conclusion as Biden. So isn't the media totally hypocritical for attacking Biden?

Dana Milbank:

Yes, the media are totally hypochondriacal. Particularly me. Did I mention that I have cipro and atropine stockpiled?

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That explains a lot...: Gentle reminder: Purell on the skin, Tamiflu in the mouth.

Dana Milbank:

Yeah, yeah. Next you'll be telling me to put the Relenza up my nose instead of using it as a suppository.

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National Press Club Building: If it true there is a reporters pool as to who will first sneak behind Joe Biden and sneeze?

Dana Milbank: My money is on Broder.

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Arlington, Va.: I seem to recall that you and Arlen Specter have a hate-hate relationship. Do you believe that his changing parties will cause him to look at you in a friendlier, more benign light?

Dana Milbank:

On the contrary, we were once at adjacent urinals at a campaign rally in '04 in Pennsylvania. I wouldn't say we crossed swords at all.

He is, of course, very mean and vain and opportunistic, but that only makes him more valuable to me.

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Questioner: Do you attend the White House press conferences? If so, what question are you prepared to ask if the President calls on you?

Dana Milbank: I often do attend, though not in the official Washington Post chair anymore. I do sometimes wonder what would happen if, on a lark, somebody called on me just to catch me off guard. My fallback is "How about those Nats?"

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I agree with Joe on the plane thing. My wife is supposed to fly to Phoenix on Sunday night and I'm requiring her to wear an n-95 mask and full hazmat suit. : That ought to go over well with airport security!

Dana Milbank:

Also the gallon jug of Purell could be a problem.

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Obvious question?: If morning-after contraceptive pills can be available without prescription to anyone age 17 and up, why do people need a prescription for Relenza or Tamiflu? Seems to me like folks would want to keep a supply on hand at home in order to save time as soon as flu symptoms strike.

Dana Milbank: While this is not the Ask Dr. Milbank chat, I do feel qualified to answer this because my brother is a urologist in Minnesota. I believe that the flu virus can mutate and become resistant to Tamiflu and Relenza if we use those drugs too much. That is why I try to trick the virus by putting the Tamiflu on my skin and the Relenza in my lower G.I. track. The virus does not expect to find the medicine in those locations and is caught completely unawares.

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Iowa: Please note that we are now referring to the pestilential scourge that has enslaved the cable media as H1N1 flu, not swine flu. We fear the pitchforks of the aggrieved pork producers more than the disease itself.

Dana Milbank:

In my professional medical opinion, this has been a great triumph for our government this week. While it did not succeed in actually containing the flu, it did succeed in protecting the good reputation of American hogs. This appears to have started with two Iowans, Tom Harkin and Tom Vilsack. I therefore propose that we name the flu the Vilsack-Harkin Syndrome. If you have other ideas, I hear Al Kamen is setting up a contest: name that flu.

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Pittsburgh: Dana, quit washing your hands and type faster.

Dana Milbank: What's really slowing me down today is the indigestion from swallowing all that Purell. I've diluted it with tonic and lime, but no luck.

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Bowie, MD: What would you suggest as a replacement for shaking hands as a universal greeting since H1N1 is so prevalent? Maybe more waving? How about a hip bump? No, no, I got it - we could just bow!

Dana Milbank: See, this only proves that our president was prescient when he bowed to the Saudi. Also when he fist-bumped Michelle. If the entire world greeted strangers with bows and family members with fist bumps we would not be in the mess we are in now.

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Purell: Are you receiving a stipend, or free samples, of this product since you seem to be mentioning it with some frequency in this chat? (I personally have four bottles of Germ-X in my office.)

Dana Milbank:

I am also quite fond of the Lysol hand foam, which I use for shampoo and shave cream and as a dessert topping.

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Arlington, VA: Dana Milbank:

"On the contrary, we were once at adjacent urinals at a campaign rally in '04 in Pennsylvania. I wouldn't say we crossed swords at all."

But did either of you adopt a wide stance?

Dana Milbank:

You never know how one of these chats, like a virus, will mutate. This week it's all bathroom talk. Here comes another one:

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my brother is a urologist in Minnesota: But how often does one catch the flu "down there"?

Dana Milbank:

See?

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Evanston, Ill.: Do you relish every oppurtunity to use the word "suppository"?

Dana Milbank: I suppose.

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Gut check: You made reference to your "lower G.I. track." It's TRACT, not TRACK. Like a census tract, not a train track.

Have I been able to sufficiently clearificate the distinction for you?

Dana Milbank:

This is why they should probably not label my chats "Medical Advice." I stand corrected. Probably you are the same person who told me that polar bears get stuck on ice floes not ice floats.

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Marietta, Ga: Perhaps you should eat some ointment to settle your stomach

Dana Milbank:

Guess so. I've already jammed as much Pepcid into my ears as will fit.

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Minneapolis, MN: Dana, in trying to find a solution to Minnesota's current political woes, I came up with an idea on which I would like to get your input: Norm Coleman for Congress!

If he will just drop his challenge to the Senate recount, not only will Minnesota have two Senators again but Norm may just preserve enough political capital to challenge Rep. Michele Bachmann in next year's primary...

By re-electing Bachmann, Minnesota's sixth district demonstrated that it won't be voting for a democrat anytime soon. So if Norm could win the primary, he'd be assured a seat in Congress for as long as he wanted it.

What do you think? Worth a try?

Dana Milbank:

No way; the Sketch needs Bachmann right where she is.

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Next obvious question: How do you apply Viagra?

Dana Milbank:

Is there some way other than an I.V. drip? If so I'd like to know because I keep getting tangled in the surgical tubes.

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Bring him on!: Your brother is a urologist in Minnesota? Then why are YOU doing this chat? Plus, he could enlighten us on the latest developments in the Coleman-Franken Senate seat fight. I bet swine flu season will be over well before that ends.

Dana Milbank:

Possibly we could do a joint online chat, in which we discuss the similarities between Congress and the urinary tract. Or is it track?

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It runs in the family: Would it be inappropriate to compare your brother's performance of vasectomies to your work on the Washington Sketch?

Dana Milbank:

It is definitely worth, er, probing.

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Flu names: Let's call it the Hoot-Smalley flu.

Dana Milbank:

Calling Al Kamen.

Still I don't want Harkin and Vilsack and the pork producers to think they've won this fight. So here goes:

SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU SWINE FLU.

There. I feel better now.

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Courage: Dana, I have always thought of you as a tad flaky, but possessed of a significant amount of courage in speaking the truth to power. However, today I note that in your chat you are ingesting many substances to keep you from contracting swine flu and have adopted a rather panicked stance, while your fellow Washington Post writer John Kelly is blithely discussing his experiences on the Metro and (horrors) the train to New York. Please don't disappoint me--I know that you are braver than Mr. Kelly.

Dana Milbank: I see no problem in speaking truth to power from a location underneath my bed.

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Sewickley, Pa.: Are you aware there was a revolt in Dana Priest's chat this week? Her audience demanded another Dana/Dana match-up and totally dissed the Milbank/Cilizza thang.

Dana Milbank:

I will schedule this along with the uro-political chat with my brother.

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No! I told you about the floes: But I noticed the track/tract slip and let it go. And am flattered that you still recall the floats/floes discussion.

Dana Milbank:

Yes, these common language mistakes are always on the tip of my thong.

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Arlington, VA: You should have a chat session some time that's devoted to people's complaints about this and that. You could call it Dana Milbank's Washington Kvetch.

Dana Milbank:

That's it! Instead of "Humor" or "Politics" or even "Medical Advice," we'll call this chat the Washington Kvetch. This gives me nachas.

Thank you for kvetching with me today.

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