Carolyn Hax Live: Sexist Party Invite, Mysteriously Ill Teenager, Long Distance Romance(s), Plus the Great "Are These Sandals Granny Shoes?" Debate, and Much More

Carolyn Hax was online Friday, May 22 taking your questions and comments about her current advice column and any other questions you might have about the strange train we call life. Her answers may appear online or in an upcoming column.

Past Carolyn Hax Live Discussions

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Falls Church, Va.: Can I just give a shout-out to Nick, for putting boobs in Wednesday's cartoon? I forget what the column was about, but it's one of my favorites.

Carolyn Hax: Isn't that what boobs do? You don't know what you're thinking but you know it's great.

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Carolyn Hax: Hi everybody!

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Carolyn Hax: Was just seeing if there's a pre-Memorial Day weekend echo.

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Somewhere, USA: What does one do if one family member consistently plans family gatherings and leaves out one person?

Carolyn Hax: Which are you -- the leaver-out, the left-out, or the witness? I assume it's not the first, but it never hurts to be thorough.

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Carolyn Hax: I think we should also note that this is my fifth post in 5 minutes.

Of course, I haven't answered any questions yet, but why nit-pick.

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D.C.: Boyfriend is hosting Memorial Day BBQ at his home with two friends this weekend. One friend is objectionable to me in nearly every way that counts: chauvinist, racist, publicly makes degrading comments about women, etc. This individual designed the invite for the party, at which guests are expected to shell out for virtually every drink and food item but get a discount for every female group of four or more they bring with them. I am not so stoked. However, boyfriend cheerfully accompanied me to numerous gatherings hosted by my own friends all last weekend and I feel as though some sort of reciprocation is in order. Am I obligated to socialize at what seems like a horribly tasteless gathering with the understanding that I don't have to love all his friends to be civil/a good sport, or is there an overriding issue here about basic human decency? Ugh.

Carolyn Hax: I can certainly sympathize with someone who wouldn't want to be caught dead at that party -- and there's nothing that says you have to reciprocate by going to this exact party this exact weekend.

But your BF isn't just going with his friend, he's hosting it. What does he think about his friend, the invitation, the pay-as-you-go excuse for hospitality?

In other words, this isn't an offensive-friend question, it is an (at best) clueless-boyfriend question, with potential for him to be something worse than clueless.

So I guess I've just gotten out of answering this question, too, because now I need to know: Does your BF know that you find the party grotesque, both in concept and execution, and if he does, how did he respond?

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Sleepless in Seattle: When do you know that a relationship is over? In other words, how to do you know if it's your heart or ego that is broken?

Carolyn Hax: Neither of those is the indicator. It's over when your ability to get along is broken, or when one of you stops trying.

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Repeat question themes?: Dear Carolyn,

Recently my husband asked me if I'd submitted a question to you. He read a question in your chat and thought it sounded like our life. I had not submitted the question, but it got me wondering: Do you often get multiple questions essentially asking about the same problem? Do the similarities ever surprise you?

Just curious.

Carolyn Hax: I'll put it this way. After 12 years of this, I'm no longer under the illusion that anything I think, feel or do is unique. I suppose we're all snowflakes, like they tell us in preschool, but only because we arrange our generic crystals in minutely different ways.

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Memorial Day Festivities: Are you in the Memorial Day margaritas already???

Carolyn Hax: Would that I were.

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Anywhere: Hi, question for the male peanuts. I am trying online dating and have found people to be quite nice and a good experience overall. I am looking to date men a few years either side of my own age (mid-30's). Are mid-30's men typically looking to date around their age or younger? I ask because I typically email those nearer to my age rather than them contacting me.

Carolyn Hax: Actually, what you need to ask is whether mid-30's men who have online profiles are typically looking to date women around their age or younger. That's a slightly different demographic than just mid-30s men, one that I would hazard a guess is seeking younger.

And, you're not looking for men, you're looking for man, right? (Gross assumption, but ...) So trends don't matter; you just need one.

And, your actual results are probably telling you a more relevant part of the truth than the anonymous responders ever could.

And I think it's probably not a good idea to use the phrase "male peanuts."

But I'll put it out there for you.

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Reston, Va.: Hi Carolyn, I read your archives at work all the time and love them.

My boyfriend is leaving next week to work at an archeological site in Europe for 2.5 months. We're both 26. Basically, he'll be on the side of a cliff with bad/no reception, and he'll be able to go into the local town every Friday. He feels confident that our relationship will be fine, that we can talk/email on Fridays. I am nervous, Carolyn! Seems like a long time to not see someone. I am planning to stay focused on my life -- work out a lot, travel a little -- while he's gone. How can I best approach this (extremely) long-distance period of our relationship? Advice?

P.S.: I love him.

Carolyn Hax: I do appreciate the kind words about my work.

But 2.5 months? A "long time not to see someone"? Piker.

Approach it by pointing out to yourself that if you can't pull together a rewarding 10 weeks in his absence, then you've probably grown dependent upon him to an unhealthy degree, which will be a lot tougher on your relationship with him in the long run than this temporary, closed-ended separation will be in the short-.

You've got the right idea with focusing on your life, travel, etc., but it can't just be about killing the time till he's back. Really live it.

And, miss him. That's fine, too.

But if you ever start to feel sorry for yourself, maybe you can take a moment to imagine military families, who in the past near-decade have been facing multiple, life-threatening, year-plus-long separations, often while raising small kids.

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Washington, D.C.: Hax,

Men usually want to date younger women because women get so cranky as they get older. Women under 30 are best.

DC Guy

Carolyn Hax: Yawn. You need a new shtick, DCG.

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D.C.: On apologies: I cheated on an ex and now I'm positive she was "the one". Emails are not being responded to (probably marked me spam shortly after the incident). Can I send an email to her Facebook account? At what point do I become an electronic stalker? I want to apologize and see if there's anyway to start over or to provide closure, because right now I'm just pining away. Is sending birthday flowers too much?

Carolyn Hax: If I were she, I wouldn't trust your change of heart so quickly after you cheated (assuming this cheating was fairly recent), and you probably shouldn't, either. Big emotions are hard to tell apart -- love? Guilt? Panic? Good luck sorting that one out.

Let the whole thing cool off, maybe not until you stop pining, since that might not be realistic, but at least until you're able to scrape yourself off the floor and start functioning again. Until your emotions are day-to-day manageable, vs. overpowering. Not just weeks, but months.

Then, if you still feel this girl is special, you'll be able to make that case more credibly.

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D.C. Again: The boyfriend is not on Facebook (from which apparently all party invites now come), thus did not know all these questionable regulations were the basis of the party until I forwarded it to him in an e-mail. He shared my general feelings on the lameness aspect, but at that point I'd already conveyed my thoughts on the matter with the third host, which resulted in the whole invite being revamped to exclude the "Bring Wenches for a Discount" policy.

I suppose his acquaintanceship with this particular bigot is what's really bugging me. The other two guys hosting are childhood buddies, and my boyfriend lived with the non-hateful one in college, which is how the three of them end up hanging out from time to time. They were all in Vegas together a month ago (which was planned before boyfriend met bigot). On the whole, boyfriend is an incredibly kind, broad-minded and respectful individual, not just to me but to essentially everyone I've ever seen him interact with or talk about. Do you think he loses major points for hanging out with this jerk? I'm sure there are a few people in my social circle whose viewpoints I find regrettable but whom I tolerate nonetheless for the sake of everyone just getting along.

Carolyn Hax: Wait a minute. Maybe it's the tequila talking, but are you saying that your boyfriend and the bigot are friends of only recent vintage, and their connection is through a more decent friend of longer standing? In that case, I don't know that I'd be too worried about it (which, too, the tequila might explain). You've made your point, so wait to see whether these guys become anything beyond acquaintances.

But I would take a courageous and necessary stand against their charging party guests for food. That's awful.

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Palo Alto, Calif.: Hi Carolyn --

Is there a way to describe when one is ready to re-enter the dating "scene" after the end of a long-term relationship? I'm not asking for a timeline, but I'm wondering if you have an answer that's something more than "when it feels right." Does the answer depend on how the previous relationship ended?

Carolyn Hax: I'm sorry, I don't have much more than "when it feels right," since all I have is "when you meet someone you'd be interested in dating." Not the exact same thing, but in the same aisle.

And yes, it always depends on how the previous relationship ended. People whose feelings died long before the relationship did might start noticing people before the split is even final, and people who are blindsided and devastated (often the ex-mates of the aforesaid) won't start noticing new people for quite some time.

So, even though it's not the answer you wanted, I really do think you need to trust the internal timeline that your emotional state is drafting for you.

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Pregnant Pause in Reston : So my husband and I are expecting our first child together. We haven't been married long and we are still learning the ways of one another.

We are in the middle of deciding if I should go back to work after the baby is here. One of his stipulations is that if I am not working then I would be taking care of all cooking and clean at the house. And that essentially he will be providing income for the family.

Part of me understands this idea, the other part of me is thinking about why he gets a 9-5 work day, and then is going to leave me with the never ending, no set hours of homemaker?

Do you think he should still help me around the house? Even if I am staying at home? Am I being ungrateful for even considering this thought?

I know lots of moms can't stay home or don't even have the option of thinking about it. I feel guilty even bringing this up to him...

Carolyn Hax: How about this:

You will be in charge of the child and the home -- and all that entails -- during the hours he's at work.

He will be in charge of earning money during the hours he's at work.

In the hours you are both home, you will share the responsibilities of home and child equally (with allowances for when one of you is wiped out; equality announces itself best over time, and not in chore-by-chore increments).

By the way, the best way for you both to appreciate what the other does is to trade off for long stretches on weekends -- as soon as you realistically can after the baby is born. By that I mean, you go off and do necessary errands, business, yard work, home repairs, etc., while he cares for the baby. In particular, he needs to know what your days really feel like, vs. what he imagines them to be (since you presumably have an idea what a day at work is like for him).

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Speaking of Nick: A while back I asked to get in touch with him re: getting a print and he sent me an e-mail but didn't reply to my follow-up since he was leaving for a trip shortly after he sent it. I had asked that I was actually interested in buying an original if possible but if it wasn't then a print would be as good. Should I ask again (again)? I still have his e-mail, unless he changed it.

Carolyn Hax: Ask again. (If I say he has the organization skills of an artist, do I need to apologize to artists for making a thoughtless generalization?)

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Male here: Currently involved with someone I met through eHarmony. I looked for women a year or two older on down to about six or seven years younger.

Carolyn Hax: Hi, Male. What you wrote pretty well represents what others are saying, and you said it succinctly and with numbers. Thanks muchly.

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San Francisco: The "when do I become an electronic stalker" question, though almost completely unrelated to mine, shook something loose in my head that I've been meaning to ask. A while ago I found a long-lost cousin (my only one) on Facebook and sent her a message not thinking anything would come of it. She ended up calling me that night and we talked on AIM until three in the morning. I thought we clicked and she seemed really excited to have found some family, but since then, nothing. I've sent her a couple emails and Facebook messages (maybe 2 of each) over the span of 6 months, and haven't heard back. I'm a little worried because when we spoke she had dropped out of school and was pregnant and living with her boyfriend (she's 19); she seemed to be happy about all of this and hoping to go back to school eventually, but I would still like to know that she's doing okay. She doesn't really have a permanent phone number, and the only family members that are in contact with her are in Virginia (she's in Hawaii), so no help there really.

I feel uncomfortable continuing to email her, considering that we've really only spoken once (I remember her from when we were kids, but she had no idea who I was). Am I being an electronic stalker? It hurts to give up, but I'm wondering if it was just never my place to be worried for her in the first place, since we are virtual strangers.

Carolyn Hax: Actually, it sounds as if the Virginia relatives could be very helpful, just by virtue of their being in touch with her. There's nothing wrong with contacting them to find out how she's doing. You decide what to do next, if anything, based on what you find out.

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East Haven, Conn.: Hi Carolyn!

Having a problem dealing with my 14-year-old daughter. She has always been a good kid, except her grades have been suffering for the past few months. I have talked to the teachers, some are telling me that she has just not handed in homework, and I have had to stay on top of her to get things done. Yesterday, she handed me a paper with a D+ average. We kept her from going out with her friends after a band concert she was in.

My husband is tossing up his hands, and we are at a loss as to what to do now. As far as I can tell, she is not on drugs, and she is a typically attitudinal teen, but is popular with the kids at school. We have given rules and ultimatums, and taken things away, but nothing is working to motivate her to care about school. Do we take away her computer, empty her life of things, keep her from her friends, take her to a psychologist? What is your advice on what to do?

Carolyn Hax: A sudden and steep plunge in grades and/or motivation suggests there's something else that changed suddenly and steeply, and that points to at least a consultation with a psychologist. Start with the one at her school, by arranging a conversation among just counselor and parent(s). That should be enough to give you an idea of your next step -- a visit for your daughter to the counselor, or a trip to see someone in private practice (the school counselor can give you some names). Please take it seriously and address it at its possible roots; punishment is notoriously bad at getting off-course kids back on course.

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to Pregnant Pause: I have three kids. Years ago my husband said to me, "We share the work equally. But that doesn't mean we each do 50%. It means we both give 100%."

You are in this together, and ideally you can cultivate this notion of being a team rather than clocking hours. We both are willing to do what has to be done, to pick up slack, and to forgive what the other person didn't get to, since we're both going to be in that position at times. Like athletes on a team, we have strengths and weaknesses, good days and bad, but every day when the alarm goes off we try to get the win or at least not be beaten too badly.

Obviously you have to have a good partner for this or you could get taken advantage of. But if you're going to talk expectations, I'd try to talk about pitching in and working together to create the best environment and future for your child.

Carolyn Hax: Beautiful, thank you. The only thing I would add (at the risk of ruining it) is that "we both give 100% even when we both want to go fetal and do 0%." Because you do get that tired.

And you both need to be attentive to each other's fatigue, because you may both be beat but the one who's worse off will need a break, even when the only source of that break needs one, too.

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New England: How do you know when you need to see a marriage counselor?

When my wife and I discuss sex, everything I say I want, she says is vulgar.

Carolyn Hax: That's when you need to see a marriage counselor.

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Carolyn Hax: Though, I should say, it doesn't sound as if she's one to appreciate talking about sex around someone else.

I should also say the more general answer, since it doesn't just apply to parsing vulgarity: The time to see a marriage counselor is after talking about it has grown repetitive without producing results, and before you're ready to walk away from the marriage.

If your spouse/partner doesn't agree to counseling but the other conditions are satisfied, then that's when you get counseling solo.

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I'm a doctor, not a counselor...: Actually, for the 14-year old whose studying habits and grades have suddenly changed, the parents need to take her to a doctor. At that age, when their bodies and hormones are changing, there could be a biochemical problem going on that a physician should evaluate. They should at least do bloodwork. It may be a problem for a psychologist/psychiatrist, but it may be a problem for a physician. Don't rule anything out, but try to get to the bottom of this. Do not let it go on. If you don't find the root of this change, it could have lasting and lingering effects throughout her life.

Carolyn Hax: Thanks for weighing in. I would hope a school counselor would flag this possibility, too, but here it is just in case.

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Washington, D.C.: Hi Carolyn,

I'm in a holding pattern waiting for some test results to come back. I feel anxious and am dwelling on the results and how I will handle them if the worst case scenario occurs. I realized that many people probably go through this holding pattern at some point or another. How can one deal with it? I could use some rational perspective here, before my Memorial Day Weekend is ruined! Any advice?

Carolyn Hax: I suppose you could look at it this way: If you do get bad news, what is it that you'll wish you had done before you got your bad news? If it's "travel the world," then you're asking a bit too much of a long weekend, but you can spend three days exploring one of the mountains, waterways, amusements, historic sites or cities within a few hours' drive of D.C. If it's to spend time with people you love, then see who you can see on short notice, or just call to say hi.

There are always limits to the forced-imagination answers -- including, for example, the career-exploring "What job would you want if you won Powerball tomorrow?" (A: margarita taster). But they are useful in their limited way for reminding you how to focus when your thoughts are all over the place.

And, hey, good luck.

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College Park: Hi Carolyn, What do you think is the difference between being generally unhappy, and depressed? I'm not sure of the difference right now. I remember what being depressed was like, after my Mom passed away (I was her primary caregiver, so it was particularly tough). I don't feel like that, but, I'm just not sure. Any rules of thumb? Thanks!

Carolyn Hax: Interesting question. I would distinguish between the two by checking the future. If you know it will, or at least can, be happy again, then you're just unhappy. If you look ahead and can't get your mind around the idea that it will ever get any better, and you're not even looking forward to things you always used to enjoy, then I'd go with depressed. Hopelessness is a bear.

But since I'm just a keyboard jockey and not a trained health-care-anything, please back that up with a screening. You can do an informal one online at www.depression-screening.org, or, even better, see your friendly neighborhood doc.

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WDC: A question I'm sure has been asked and answered a million times. But never by me... So how do I break up with my boyfriend in the least painful way?

Carolyn Hax: Quickly, kindly, unequivocally, respectfully, and stick around for the question-and-answer session, even if he asks for it a day or 12 after the fact. (Don't go into excessive detail, though; you do want to be told you have spinach in your teeth, but you don't want to be told you're too tall/to short/too loud/too cringe-inducing, y'know?)

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D.C.: I just bought a pair of shoes at lunch and I'm afraid they're Grandma shoes. How do I know for sure? (The salesgirl said they definitely weren't, but I'm not so sure.)

Carolyn Hax: Cell-phone cam? Maybe we can post em.

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Bad neighbor: Hi Carolyn,

I live in an apartment with really thin walls (and floors). Two single guys live below us. I have a toddler and a dog and a husband. We can hear their music, their cursing at the TV (video games?), and some of their bedroom activities. They hear every tantrum, every jump (kid and dog) and every time something is dropped.

They've taken to banging on the ceiling with frequency, especially before 8 a.m. I don't blame them, but most of it is just normal living noises (they bang when we walk from room to room).

I don't want to get petty and start banging back when we can hear them, and I am nervous to confront them (they are huge muscleheads). What should I do/say?

Carolyn Hax: Well, if you don't have thick rugs, you need them. And if you do have them, you can't move, and the only option you have left is diplomacy, then I would suggest arranging a conversation with these guys. Point out that you're sorry it's loud in the morning, but all you're doing is walking across the floor. And since that basic sound of basic living is enough to bother them, perhaps they can imaging how their TV, video games and night visitors sound to you.

From there, maybe you can come to an agreement to approach the building management as a united front, and/or to invest in white-noise machines. Just having large muscular heads doesn't automatically make people unreasonable.

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Grandma Shoes: This is the link to a picture of the shoes on Zappos. But mine are dark brown.

Carolyn Hax: Hm. A young granny, but still granny, I say.

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SS, MD: Can we see the grandma shoes? I'd love to know what other people really are thinking when they check out my feet! Love the chats, Grandma of 3

Carolyn Hax: What say you?

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hi: How do I get over feeling like a complete MORON because I am rather naive and DUM? I just don't have the smarts to deal with shrewd people. People who manipulate a situation to their advantage at work by stretching the truth just a little, for example. Or people who blame you for things they should have cleaned up, and get away with it because they handle it so cleverly. I mean, I just don't see it coming until it's too late, and then when it does, I don't know how to react. I'm just not bright like that. Bummer.

Carolyn Hax: That strikes me as easy to turn around into an asset: You don't think like a blame-shifting, truth-twisting, self-aggrandizing jerk. Good for you.

In a predatory workplace, that might not get you much, but if you still have your job and get paid well enough and people like you, then maybe the answer is just to reorient your thinking to the point where the maneuvering doesn't get to you so much. If you're getting to the point where it's imperiling your career or making you miserable, then maybe it's time to start looking; not all workplaces are as predatory as others.

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Pregnant Pause in Reston: Thanks for the advice, I really appreciate it.

It helps to know when other people go/went through something similar. I think he will understand and I am going to talk to him this weekend. It will all be easier if we just talk about my reservations I think.

Thank you again, I wish I was having a margarita with you Carolyn... but in any case, enjoy!

Carolyn Hax: Thanks! I might not be able to have any either (just corralling kids, not gestating), but it's nice to think about.

Oh, and if it helps, vast numbers of people have gone through something similar, and it's the respectful, generous partnerships that survive it (vs. the me-me-me sufferers). That's what you're after more than anything.

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Fluff on Friday!: Kind of gladiator-granny, like your hippie grandma who wears statement jewelry and talks about her trip to Iceland when she was young. To avoid this look, methinks they should not be worn with capri pants, below-the-knee skirts, or wide legged hemp pants. But with shorts and a funky halter top, they'd work.

Carolyn Hax: Devastating, as most dead-on observations are. Thanks.

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Grandma shoes: Please don't mock Grandma Shoes. I am almost done with an 18-month odyssey into the world of major reconstructive surgery on both feet, due to bunions, hammertoes, plantar fasciitis, pregnancy-induced fallen arches, etc. The condition is hereditary but can be worsened by high-heeled, pointy-toed shoes. The only way I will ever get another date is if I can persuade other women to start wearing Grandma Shoes along with me.

Carolyn Hax: Flat doesn't mean granny. There's still hope.

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procrastination out of control: Carolyn, I'm on a binge and I can't stop; I worry about everything I'm not doing but I still don't do it! Do you or the peanuts have any recommendations to get me out of this rut? I wake up freaking out I'm screwing up my job and yet here I am reading your chat...

Carolyn Hax: Pick the smallest (or most time-sensitive) task and do it. Repeat. This transcript will be here when you're done.

As in, GO.

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For the 14 year old: Both seeing the school psychologist and a medical evaluation are good ideas. You might want to have your daughter screened for learning disabilities. Believe it or not, these can manifest themselves at any time...I have friends in graduate school who were diagnosed as adults.

Assessments need to be done by a specialist, and with a school-age child if you request an evaluation the school district has to provide it, although it may take a while. (I think they have 45 days from the time you request an evaluation, but check.)

High school brings all kinds of new issues to light. Don't rule anything out without exploring fully.

And good luck...she's lucky to have such caring parents.

Carolyn Hax: Thanks, I think that rounds it out well.

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anywhere: Love your column -- first thing I read at work every day.

What are your thoughts on a long-distance marriage? I've been dating a man for five years total -- with a 20 year break between years three and four. During those 20 years, we moved to different states, each got married, had two kids and then divorced. There are joint custody situations and young children on both sides that make it nearly impossible to live less than five hours drive apart. We see each other at least every other week and we have a wonderful relationship (easy when you see each other every other week, I suppose). I really do see him as my life partner.

We could continue this long distance dating thing for the next 12 years (when the youngest turns 18), but I'd really like to be married. Difficult to quantify, but goes something along the lines of -- we'd be a family. Our family would always come first and invitations would be easier as would the holidays -- no questions that our "family" should be together -- even if it means not seeing one set of relatives one holiday.

But having been through a divorce and not wanting to relive that experience in this lifetime, it seems the deck is stacked against long-term success.

Carolyn Hax: Thanks, glad to help start/postpone the start of your day.

I have no thoughts on long-distance marriage, just on this marriage. It's easy to reverse a decision to keep dating and not get married. As you know, it's tough to reverse a marriage.

So I would take every item you listed -- holidays and ... well, holidays -- and talk with the man you're dating about your wanting to be a family. What you're regarding as family, as you know, isn't a legal unit, but an emotional one. To work as an emotional unit you need his full contribution and commitment. Once you have that, the other stuff will follow, including invitations and divvying up family visits and etc. You may have to insist on it, and repeat yourselves, and persist through others' resistance, but that's all secondary stuff.

If on the other hand you don't have his full agreement on wanting to regard yourselves as family, then no marriage will make up for it.

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Pregnant Pause in Reston : Me again... Wait. Falling arches!?! Due to pregnancy? Great. I am starting to think they leave these things out of my What to Expect book on purpose!

Carolyn Hax: Ugh. They don't leave anything out of those what-to-expect books, which is why they're strictly for reference when a question arises that doesn't seem consequential enough to warrant a call to your OB/midwife. Otherwise, enjoy the ride; it's nature, not tax-preparation.

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East Haven, Conn.: Well, we have been to many doctors in the past few months. She had a severe milk allergy last year, so we fixed that. Then she had been having blackouts, they said it was probably hypoglycemia. Then she had bad headaches and more bad cramps, the docs told her that she had to eat better. Then a few weeks ago she fell over her phone, and got tendonitis in her foot. She just finished her first physical therapy yesterday. She also has had memory problems. I don't know if it is just irresponsibility, or overtiredness, or something seriously wrong.

Carolyn Hax: Oh my. I do hope you've reported the issue with grades to the main doctor responsible, and also have gotten second/third opinions. (Email me at tellme@washpost.com if you would like some names; you're in my old stomping grounds.)

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For procrastinator: Carolyn's chat goes long and slow, so it's a good time to get things done and take breaks with her. I'm finally cleaning my house right now.

Carolyn Hax: Me too!

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procrastination out of control again: Thanks for taking the question but just GO is not helping. I tell myself that, then I do GO but not to work! Is there an equivalent to the AA program for me? I telecommute and used to be really good at keeping focused but now I'm totally not, there is no option to go into the office either.

Carolyn Hax: The just GO was not the advice, the choose the small task was the advice. If you have to, deny yourself tempting things until you earn them by doing X task. String out the task-reward-task-reward series like breadcrumbs, in list form if you have to.

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TX: At my ex-boyfriend's insistence, he and his fiancee will be double-dating with me and my boyfriend this weekend. Our relationship went badly and ended worse and this is probably a bad idea but we're committed to it now. Any words of advice?

Carolyn Hax: Yes. "Insistence" doesn't mean you have to do it, nor does committing to it.

I can see why this ended badly; your power distribution with this guy is all off, and it has you twisting yourself into someone you don't like or respect. Call it off. Stand up for yourself.

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Sucky City, Sucky State: Carolyn, please help!

My long-term boyfriend and I have been very much in love for over three years (we foresee marriage) and living together for over a year. We met in college and are originally from different states.

Due to work circumstances, we currently live in a state which is neither of our home states, and neither of us is happy here.

We are both ready to move, but we each badly want to move back to our respective home states (basically on opposite coasts). Neither of us wants to be apart from the other, neither of us wants the other to be unhappy, but we both miss our families and our home states terribly.

If one person agrees to make the sacrifice and move to the other's home state, how will we ever know if the other person would have been truly willing to make the same sacrifice?

Our lease is up at the end of this summer, and we don't know what to do! We both want to be fair and loving to each other, we want to stay together, and we also want to be happy as individuals!

Carolyn Hax: Pick a third -- no wait, fourth -- location that's neutral like your current one, but attractive to you both, unlike the current one. Think in terms of vacation-destination spots, because, while usually more expensive, they'll offer variety, energy and visual interest, which is the kind of thing that can make it suddenly not so bad that you aren't in your hometown.

Basically, this would just give you a chance to be together under less-sucky conditions, which will in turn help you see whether being together is what matters most, or being near home and fam.

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sigh: "I can see why this ended badly; your power distribution with this guy is all off, and it has you twisting yourself into someone you don't like or respect. Call it off. Stand up for yourself."

Yes, yes, yes. But easier sad than done. Which is similar to the GO answer. Sometimes even "just doing it" is paralyzingly difficult.

Carolyn Hax: Anything we know we should be doing but nevertheless aren't doing is, I think by definition, paralyzingly difficult.

So the choices are limited to accepting that it will never be done, or finding some small purchase on getting it done, and hoping that's enough to get things started. Sometimes that little opening to success is technical (e.g., finding the easiest task, making a list, picking a fourth city ...) and sometimes it's emotional (e.g. figuring out why you're so resistant to change, fearful of being honest, reluctant to look inward, etc.).

I guess there's a middle ground, too, like ADD, where the obstacle to doing something has both emotional and technical components.

But what I'm trying to do in all cases is provide the nudge that breaks the deadlock, even if it's just a nudge toward realizing it's going to take more than a nudge.

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Re: East Haven: Wait...seriously? I want East Haven to look back over the list of this kid's various maladies over the past few months and then say with a straight face that the grades problems are coming out of nowhere. It's stressful enough to be 14 -- what with the hormone soup and epic middle school drama -- but add in on-going health problems and you've got a recipe for meltdown.

And you guys are reacting to this by punishing her? Cripes. A healthy dose of compassion might go a LONG way to helping ease some of this. If I read the last post correctly, some of the problems don't yet have solidly diagnosed causes. If you've never had a lingering health problem of unknown origin, you are very lucky...but also blissfully unaware of how incredibly difficult that can be to process. It's so, so hard to feel like your body is betraying you. Second and third opinions are definitely in order, but so is an unequivocal parental reassurance that "hey, we get that things are really scary and confusing and painful and yucktastic right now, and we are here for you no matter what."

"Empty her life of things." Good heavens.

Carolyn Hax: I'm horrified that I didn't add 2 + 2 myself. Thanks -- glad you were able to see this from a few steps back.

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Washington, D.C.: Hi Carolyn,

I really like reading your chats. I don't have terrible problem like some readers, but this does bother me a lot.

I feel very "gray." Nothing is exciting, and my job is okay (pays well and is challenging enough to hold interest, but not overly strenuous). I look at my life and think -- "Is this all there is? Another 30 years of getting up, going to work, just getting through until the weekend, and then retirement?"

What's wrong with me? I am serious. Is this normal or should I get help (from somewhere)?

Thanks.

Carolyn Hax: There are so so so many purposes waiting for someone to find them, particularly someone with time and means and untapped passion.

Please look around you, see what is really meaningful to you, or has been meaningful or inspiring before that you've let slip away unnoticed. Investing yourself in something larger than just self-sustenance can make even the dullest workday look brighter.

If you find you can think of anything that matters to you like than, then I would take that as your signal to get some medical attention, starting with a depression screening.

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Texas: For the 14 year old again. I just read the next post about the physical symptoms. Please tell them to look into Lyme Disease. It can cause all of those symptoms. A Google search with those symptoms should bring up some good information.

Carolyn Hax: If doctors based in Connecticut, of all places, didn't pursue that, then I might just cry. But here it is just in case. Thanks.

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Two coast couple: This was my husband and me 22 years ago. We ended up choosing a place that was near a major airport so we could get to both families without too much hassle (one family was a 6 hour drive, the other a 6 hour flight). This location worked out for 18 years and then we decided to move to his side of the country. By that time, I was over wanting to live near my home state and family because we had our own family (four of 'em, yikes) and we were going to be a family where ever we went. So things may change over time but compromises may need to be made by both of them.

Carolyn Hax: Interesting and persuasive solution, thanks.

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Palo Alto, Calif.: I want to be a gladiator granny! I'd run off to Iceland with Russell Crowe, and whisper in his ear, "everything I want is vulgar."

Carolyn Hax: I've been saving this for my sign-off. Buh bye, thanks everybody, and have a great weekend.

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Re: East Haven: Seriously, get her tested for an eating disorder. Soooo many times the signs get missed and all of the symptoms listed could indirectly indicate one.

I have been battling my own eating disorders since I was 11. I'm 29 now.

The earlier she gets help (if she has one) the better.

Carolyn Hax: Yes -- right, always tougher to track down because people with them hide them. Thanks.

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In her daily column in The Washington Post Style section, Carolyn Hax offers readers advice based on the experiences of someone who's been there. Hax is an ex-repatriated New Englander with a liberal arts degree and a lot of opinions and that's about it, really, when you get right down to it. Oh, and the shoes. A lot of shoes.

Have more to say? Check out Carolyn's discussion group, Hax-Philes. Comments submitted to the chat may be used in the discussion group. You can also E-mail Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com. And read Carolyn's Recent Columns.

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