Carolyn Hax Live: Should I Tell My Husband About My Work Crush? Am I Right Or Is My Sister? How Can I Stop Procrastinating? And Much More

Carolyn Hax was online Friday, May 29 taking your questions and comments about her current advice column and any other questions you might have about the strange train we call life. Her answers may appear online or in an upcoming column.

Past Carolyn Hax Live Discussions

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Washington, D.C.: My boyfriend is going to break up with me today. I'm pretty sure of it, even though he hasn't said so. He wants to talk this afternoon about "where we are," and my experience tells me that's always a bad thing. So how do I get through the day with this terrible thing looming over me?

Carolyn Hax: Bad as it feels to know it's coming, the breakup will probably be an improvement on your current situation. I say that because you seem pretty sure the breakup is coming, which means things haven't been great between the two of you lately. If there's anything that can make the pain of being dumped sound appealing, it has to be that sick, suspenseful feeling of being in a relationship's death spiral. Blah.

That said, if things in fact have seemed fine, and you're just assuming the "where we are" conversation has to mean he's dumping you, then maybe it won't feel so clear. But even then, your jumping to the conclusion you did means that you know you're more into the relationship than he is, and that's a situation best relegated to the past. Again, painful as it may be.

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Sister, and the Affair: My sister called to tell me she wanted to meet the man she's currently dating (he's married with kids) on my next trip to see her. I said in my most calm voice, "I really don't think that's a good idea right now. I would be glad to meet him once he's separated from him wife and he's chosen to be with you exclusively." I was called all sorts of names, was told to cancel my trip to see her, and at one point she actually said I should accept her relationship since my family had accepted my boyfriend and I living together. She kept trying to convince me that since she and the guy are in love, it makes the affair okay.

I cancelled my flight two days after the conversation (I wanted to give her some time to change her mind) and the whole thing just kind of sucks. While I fully acknowledge that people can fall in love in bad circumstances, I think having an affair is the worst way to handle the situation. All I could think about during the conversation were those poor kids whose lives could be devastated. I just hate to think that my decision not to meet the guy has, for the moment, ruined our relationship.

What do you think Carolyn? Was that too harsh a stance? Should I have agreed to meet him?

BTW, she shouldn't have been surprised by my decision. When I first learned her boyfriend was married, I had a very long conversation with her about why I thought it was a bad idea. I haven't harped on it since then (about 6 months ago), but when she's asked me my opinion I've expressed my concerns.

Carolyn Hax: It's not what I think that matters. You had to do what you thought was right.

If you believed you were doing the right thing, however, and are second-guessing yourself only because your sister called you names, then I will suggest that you view your sister's name-calling instead as as sign that it's her behavior that's ruining the relationship between you.

I'm not saying this to encourage you to start assigning blame. I'm just trying to point out the boundaries between you: She is an adult who makes her decisions for her life, and you are an adult who makes decisions for your life. The unspoken compact between adults is that you stick to your side of the boundary. While your sister may have felt that you were crossing the line by refusing to meet this guy (i.e., felt that you were judging her), you were in fact guiding your own behavior by deciding whom you would or would not meet, and when. Perfectly within your rights.

Your sister's decision to punish you for your decision essentially broke that compact -- and in doing so, she mimicked her choice to rationalize dating a married man. She thinks it's okay to treat others as a lesser priority when her feelings tell her it's okay. That's who she is, at least right now, in her apparently very immature state.

Some people might argue that you crossed over in criticizing her decision to date a married man, but if you said your piece and have since backed off unless asked, that seems to be respectful of the line.

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Fairfax: What do you do with friends who always want to do stuff when they are single, but the moment they start dating someone are too busy to ever hang out? I have both male and female friends who are like this.

Carolyn Hax: Think of them as no different from friends who travel a lot or work long hours or immerse themselves in raising their kids. They have their priorities, they act accordingly, and so can you.

If you still like spending time with them, then enjoy them for who they are and when they're available.

If you're tired of being their go-to (i.e., if you don't enjoy their company enough to compensate for the resentment you feel) then you can let the friendship die off -- or you can just even up the footing, and regard them as your companion of last resort, too.

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Best relegated to the past...: To spin off the first question, so what happens when you're more into it than the other person, they break it off, but then they say they still want to be super-close to you (and attempt to do so)? I want this too, but more because I still love this person very much and know I'd just hope there's still a chance we could work out. I say this as a person who swore that I knew this was the right person for me, which adds to the pain, I guess.

Carolyn Hax: If anything but the ... what's the Pretty Woman line? -- the whole fairy tale? -- would devastate you, then be fierce about standing up for what you want and need. Tell the person you're sorry, but you're not interested in anything less than his/her whole heart. The only way it's going to "work out" is if this person falls for you just as hard as you've fallen, and while that sometimes happens gradually between two people who are close friends, I have yet to see it happen between two people who have broken up against one person's will while the other person asks to stay friends.

I know there's an example of everything out there, but this is something I genuinely have not witnessed, firsthand or in column form, and that has to be good for something. I'm sorry.

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prickly: Carolyn, please help me to stop manufacturing reasons to be annoyed at or snap at my spouse when I'm really annoyed with myself for not doing what I'm supposed to be doing with work, exercise, sleeping, etc. My first instinct when, say, I spend two hours reading sports websites rather than finishing the article I'm writing is to lash out. I'm a jerk and don't want to be. I manufacture a fight and then use the bad feeling as an excuse not to get back to work. Ugh.

Carolyn Hax: There are two ways to go at this, and I would suggest you use both.

First, recognize when you're doing it, and apologize immediately. Apologize at the first moment you recognize you're doing it -- be it when you first snap, when you first justify not working based on the fight fallout, or even a day later when you first reflect on what you've done.

By letting your spouse in on what you're doing, you're not only offering the honest apology your spouse deserves. You're also taking the first steps to train yourself to recognize the lousy pattern sooner. And, possibly even more useful, you're also training your spouse to recognize it, too, which can make for a useful partnership. You snap, and clued-in Spouse learns to say, "Is this about me, or are you just p***ed at yourself for not doing your homework?

That's one of the ways too get at the problem -- treating the symptom. The other way is to treat the source of the problem, which is your lousy work habits.

Have they always been bad, or is it just this particular line of work that brings it out in you? If it's the latter (not the time for it, I know, but ...) then you may need to rethink what you're doing. Ask any procrastinator and I think you'll find that the problem intensifies with stuff they hate to do and diminishes or disappears outright when they're doing something they love. It reads like a big fat duh, I'm sure, but you'd be surprised at how easy it is to overlook the possibility that you're making things harder on yourself than they need to be.

If, on the other hand, you're always a procrastinator, no matter what the work is, and you need to work to eat, then you need to pay attention to your work habits. (more)

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Carolyn Hax: Procrastinators usually have a reward system staring right at them in the thing they use as their distraction. If you can just tell yourself that if you work for an hour, you can "earn" 30 minutes on sports Web sites, then in three hours you'll have two hours of work and one hour of surf-waste to show for it, which actually isn't that bad a ratio when your usual operating mode is to waste your first two hours.

The other option is more radical (and getting tougher to do these days) -- start your day by putting yourself out of Internet reach, and don't let yourself leave until you've reached a certain pre-set milestone in your work.

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I knew this was the right person for me: With extremely rare exceptions, there is no single "right person" for anyone. There are people whose views and personalities work exceptionally well with yours. If you think you work exceptionally well together and s/he doesn't agree, then you're not the "right person" for each other. Unless you're a masochist.

Carolyn Hax: Right, an important end note, thanks.

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Equal partnerships or almost?: Hi, Carolyn.

I once heard that you're supposed to marry a man who loves you a little more than you love him. Today, in our modern world, people say marriage should be equal partnerships.

What do you say?

Thanks.

Carolyn Hax: I was going to answer this with, "What I say: Don't base any major personal decision on what society tells you you're 'supposed to' do."

But then I remembered that I get a cautionary tale about exactly this kind of "people say" wisdom in my inbox on a weekly basis. Here's what happens when you "marry a man who loves you a little more than you love him":

"Dear Carolyn:

"What advice to you have for someone who married for the wrong reason? At the time I knew I wasn't sexually attracted to him, but being attracted to someone hadn't led to any successful relationships up to that point. So I decided to put that aside and focus on his other qualities: He was very devoted and willing to do pretty much anything I asked. I knew he would never dump me so he was a safe bet.

"Well, after two children and 16 years it hasn't gotten any better (the sexual attraction) and I can honestly say that I've been frustrated my entire marriage. Now that I'm getting older I wonder if I can do this for the rest of my life. I haven't left because I don't want to screw up my children's lives."

So, no, going into a marriage where there's a known deficit in feelings, one way or the other, is just asking for wrenching unhappiness of the worst kind -- between two people who were really just doing their best.

I would suggest you marry someone you're still happy to see walk in the room, even after you've known each other for two or three years, past the butterfly stage, and who seems just as happy to have you around as you are to have him.

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Jealous sister: Dear Carolyn,

Last weekend, I drove four hours round trip, with my one year old toddler, to visit my sister (my husband stayed home to have a well-deserved break from baby care). Sis and I had agreed in advance that I'd visit for about two hours, since she had a busy schedule.

My toddler spent the entire visit zipping from one room to another, with me following her fairly close behind, since sis' home is very neat and not particularly babyproofed. (The first kitchen cabinet that toddler opened had all the cleaning products!) Sis does not have -- nor has ever wanted -- kids, but does interact a fair bit with little kids from her husband's extended family.

I had brought books, toys, etc. -- but of course that is not nearly as interesting to a little one as new rooms to investigate. Upon leaving, I told my sis I was sorry we didn't have time for more adult conversation.

When I called her the next night to see if she wanted to chat, and apologized about my baby taking up all of the time, she lit into me and told me that she'd never, ever, been around someone less capable of having an adult conversation while caring for a small child, etc., etc., and how truly awful/uncaring I was towards her during the visit....

I hung up feeling pretty stunned -- my sis and I have certainly had bumps in the past, but we've been getting along well ever since my child was born. It's been a week and I'm still feeling pretty raw about all of this -- do you or the peanuts have any advice? Thanks.

Carolyn Hax: Heh. Well, I'm not sure you're ever going to get through to someone who views an active toddler through the lens of her own wounded feelings.

It's just, often, too many steps to walk someone through: You have to cover the fact that different kids have different levels of energy and curiosity, and therefore her experience with her husband's family doesn't necessarily translate to your family; and that those differences require different degrees of child-proofing; and you have to cover the fact that with an energetic, curious toddler in a non-childproofed house, staying a foot or two behind said child can be a matter of live and death; and then you hope you won't have to, but still may have to, cover the fact that your decision to keep your toddler alive is not a reflection on your feelings for your sister.

Perhaps the highest hurdle to this is the natural outrage you feel at being personally attacked for what amounts to doing two jobs, to the best of your ability, that have little to do with your own immediate needs: keeping said child out of the hospital, and maintaining ties to your sister and doing so on her terms. Add the third job of giving your husband a breather, which of course isn't your sister's fault, and you're going to feel pretty drained and PO'd.

So, where does that leave you? You have two choices, really. You can try to walk your sister through the steps I laid out above, or you can accept that this sister Will Not Get It and content yourself with knowing you did your best under trying circumstances, and in the end your carefully raised kid (and other parents who know what you're going through) will give you more quality companionship than you could ever have hoped to get from your sister.

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Carolyn Hax: Actually, that was needlessly limiting: make that companionship from others who are capable of empathy. That certainly doesn't require that one share your exact experience. Sorry, should have caught that one as it was coming off my fingertips.

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Equal partnerships or almost -- again: Thanks for answering my question and posting what someone else sent in. It was an interesting post and left me with some sadness for the writer. I hope she has found peace in her situation.

I did want to clarify that I wasn't asking about where there is a deficit in feelings. I guess that would be something that would leave me wondering. I am asking about where both people love each other and have a good/healthy relationship but one loves the other just a little more.

Carolyn Hax: I would describe that as a deficit, though. Maybe not exactly the one in the example (which was specific to sexual attraction) but very much the same problem.

If you're aware that one of you loves the other less, than you're going along to go along. It is, in other words, full consciousness that you could love someone more than you love this person you're about to marry. That's unfair to both of you.

Love is not an easily quantified thing, obviously, but if anything that makes it more important that you not consciously enter into a marriage under "less than" circumstances; for a difference to be so plainly visible as to be measurable, then assume it has to be pretty big.

Go into it thinking, "Man I'm lucky." Not telling yourself that. Such an enormous difference.

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Re: Toddler: Hi Carolyn,

I agree with what you said, but the sister isn't required to have a baby-proofed house just because a toddler might visit. Her blow-up was totally uncalled for, but the writer seemed to imply that sis's house should have been baby-proofed.

Carolyn Hax: "Seemed to imply"? I didn't get that at all. To me, the vibe was disbelief that someone who has cleaning products in a low cabinet was surprised that a toddler needed undivided attention, a disbelief that was totally justified.

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Re: Jealous sister: Jeez. Why so quick to dismiss the sister? The woman said they've had a good relationship for a long time, now because of one blow-up she should find other friends? She's her sister! Why is everything considered such a fatal personality flaw? Any possibility that sister is going through a tough time and needed to talk and got irrationally angry when they couldn't? No, she shouldn't have blown up and said all that, but if I can't have a once in a lifetime meltdown with a family member... Sheesh.

Carolyn Hax: You would call back, though, right? To apologize?

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marry a man who loves you a little more than you love him: How in the world would one go about measuring that?

I have no idea if I love my wife more than she loves me. All I know is I love her a lot and she loves me a lot.

Sometimes people make things too hard.

Carolyn Hax: Or work too hard to justify something they know isn't working. Tx.

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prickly again: Thank you for taking my question, and for your great two-pronged approach. My spouse is pretty good at asking your very question -- is this about you not doing your work? -- and I'm pretty good about apologizing, but I'm trying to get away from feeling abject (and all the more unproductive afterward).

In terms of doing my work: it's Internet access that's killing me, I think, but it's almost impossible to get away from, and I need it for a lot of the work I do (I'm an academic). Like now: I have a tab to your chat open, for example, while also keeping open my email and 3 or 5 pdfs of reference sources I'm using. I like the freedom of working from home, unshowered, now that classes are over, but I think I need to get to a cafe. Even if it invariably has Internet access, I tend to feel the public pressure to get off the blogs and present to the public the face of a word document.

And I'm someone who has avoided things like texting, Facebook, other forms of social media, knowing that I have trouble controlling myself. So now I will (try) to close the Hax tab and (maybe) shower and get out of the house. Thanks.

Carolyn Hax: You can even push it a little further if you have to -- go somewhere that charges hourly (still a few left) and force yourself to go on just for short bursts to retrieve what you need when you need it. Those PDFs can certainly be saved before you go, too, so you can refer to them.

Not that I have the same problem or anything, or have spent entire days in a certain chair in a certain coffee shop because it's the only way I can focus.

So, bye then, and good luck.

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The circle of life: My job is to provide content for a sports Web site, and I often procrastinate by reading other publications. I wonder if the snappish poster and I fuel each other's procrastination. It's like a 21st century O. Henry story.

The stop-start method you suggest is a good one. I usually put a Post-It with my total word count on the side of my screen and then reward myself in 100-word increments, crossing off the declining numbers as I go. I can take a short break and get a snack, check an online chat (ahem), or do something small on my to do list that gives me a sense of accomplishment so that I don't come to the end of the day feeling like I've wrestled with just one project and come away unfinished.

Carolyn Hax: Show of hands, who's here who should be somewhere else?

I like the O. Henry reference, if only because it makes me feel better about essentially being a pusher in roomful of addicts.

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Washington, D.C.: My best friend from college and I lost touch seven years ago. 60/40 my fault. We reconnected on Facebook three months ago (she friended me) and it turns out that she lives 45 miles away. We emailed a ton and I offered to come up to visit her because her kid is much younger and I'm more mobile. She invited me to her house that week but had to cancel. That was two months ago. Twice I suggested rescheduling and she said definitely but has made no invitation. I certainly don't want to invite myself to her house but don't know how many times to hint about rescheduling before I give up. I was very excited to be back in touch and now don't want to overstep. I'm happy to invite her to me but haven't because I thought 90 miles round trip with an infant would be rough. Lost cause?

Carolyn Hax: Probably, but there's no reason you can't invite her. If it's too much for her, she can say no, and invite you to come see her instead; if it's just that she's not interested in re-connecting after all, then she can beg off on travel with small child. It's not a huge burden on her either way.

As for whether you're pressing too much in the face of a clear lack of interest, that's always possible, but it's also possible there's just baby inertia. If you do choose to invite her, make it clear there's no pressure and don't ask again. Maybe just shoot her the occasional email to maintain the connection, so she knows you're there if/when she's ever ready.

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marry a man who loves you a little more than you love him: My husband, a therapist, jokes that you should marry someone less crazy than you are.

Carolyn Hax: Now that, I'll buy. Thanks.

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Online procrastination: For Firefox users, there's a plug-in called LeechBlock that lets you temporarily block yourself from particular sites or set time limits for access. Very handy if there are certain cites that are the usual culprits.

washingtonpost.com: But don't leave us to install it now! - Michele

Carolyn Hax: When the problem offers the solution. Trippy.

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Baby Town, USA: Hi Carolyn: The piece I think that is missing between the two sisters is consideration from the side of someone without children. Some parents do this thing where they talk through their children. Once they have kids they do not foster any thought outside their child and even go so far as to follow their child around and narrate what is happening. This can be infuriating when you think you are going to actually be able to have a conversation with the person. Not to mention the parent often complains the entire time about what they can't do. I support people's rights to have children, but stop acting like you are meeting the other person's needs you are visiting with. Perhaps the sister felt ignored and was confused about why her sister couldn't encourage her baby to play in one place instead of following after them around the house. Sometimes parents can corral their kids but they don't, and when this happens you feel ignored or wonder why they wanted to hang out.

Carolyn Hax: Then you SAY so, you don't rip into them for their comparative failure to tend to your needs vs. other parents of small children.

And please, let's have a little respect for the institution of having a clue. Someone who has to follow their toddler around to keep them away from poisons, open stairways, glassware and other features of the basic, un-childproofed home is not choosing to walk with a stoop for two hours because it's preferable to adult conversation, or because they choose not to, ah, "encourage" their child to play in one place. (What do you have in mind -- cattle prod? Dog collar/invisible fence?)

There are certainly more than enough obnoxious, baby-centric parents out there for other adults to work up plenty of frustration at trying to talk to them. But if those other adults can't tell the difference between them and parents who have to monitor their child constantly in an unsafe situation, then that's on them.

If there's any doubt, or even if there isn't any doubt and you're SURE the parent-hovering-over-toddler is ignoring you, you ask questions based on the fact that this isn't your child and you don't know what the parent thinks s/he has to do. You don't just call and berate.

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RE: Jealous Sis: Carolyn: Please throw in a perspective from someone without children to balance this conversation out. I have many friends with children that pick and choose when they decide to reign in their children so they can actually hold a conversation. It can be done and if the person with the child wants to be a good friend when they visit it should be done otherwise it's rude to the person you are visiting. Yes, we are all happy you have kids and accept they will always be around, but there's nothing wrong with expecting a little adult time. I would worry about the mother that couldn't keep her kid in one room so the sisters could talk. When my sis brings her toddler to my house she has no problem controlling her daughter's behavior and we actually get to talk. Since the sister with the kid changed the situation, I think she owes her sis an apology for not being present during the visit. Having kids does not give everyone a pass in etiquette, especially when they are the guests in your home.

Carolyn Hax: I spent a lot of time in rooms with small children when I didn't have small children myself, and it can be -- often is -- nightmarish. Adult conversation is disjointed, where it happens at all, and frustrating to the point of maddening. For both parties.

But, please -- the people with the kids are just as starved for it, if not more.

And while it's really nice for your sister that "she has no problem controlling her daughter's behavior," that's not the way it is for everybody. And it's not because other parents lack your sister's will or skill, though plenty no doubt do. Often it's a factor of the children themselves -- there are some who will not stop moving, will not stop touching. And their parents are even more desperate for adult conversation than other parents are, and more desperate for their potential partners in adult conversation to understand this and cut them a break.

This is not a perspective that needs balancing out. The sister with the kid didn't "change the situation," the sister with the kid had an active child in a place that wasn't child-friendly. That sister didn't even blame the other sister for not child-proofing; go back to the original Q, and you'll see the following:

"I told my sis I was sorry we didn't have time for more adult conversation.

"When I called her the next night to see if she wanted to chat, and apologized about my baby taking up all of the time ..."

She apologized! And the sister ripped into her anyway!

I'm sorry, this is a complete failure on the sister's part to understand that when you have a little kid loose in an environment of hazards, all bets are off.

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Washington, D.C.: Do you think a marriage will have more success if the spouses only have eyes for each other? Or is it a sign of maturity that they recognize, yeah, there ARE other attractive people out there, and we choose over and over again to be with each other? I'm freaking myself out because I'm happily married but have a little crush on somebody at work. Makes me feel like a bad wife.

Carolyn Hax: I don't believe the first case exists, but, assuming it does, that sure sounds like the easier bet. But the second case is the more realistic one, and I agree with it completely.

Neither case, though, has any say in what's going on with you right now, I'm afraid. For that all you can do is keep doing your best, keep choosing the outcome you think is right.

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procrastination: Wait, you mean the time I spend on this chat isn't billable to clients as research? Uh oh.

Carolyn Hax: Tell me what we need to talk about. I'm here to help.

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Reconnecting via Facebook: I have a seven year old and work full-time as a lawyer. I joke that if it weren't for email, I would have no social life. Don't write off your friend, but recognize that she may be reluctant to squeeze actual face time in right now with a new person, especially one with the history you two have. She will have more time in a few years, and if she wants to resume your friendship will be grateful that you hung in there via email/facebook. If not, you haven't lost much by trying.

Carolyn Hax: Thanks for the backup.

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WDC: Carolyn,

Help! How do you know when you're in an emotionally abusive relationship. This person at times makes me feel like I'm on top of the world, but other times (most of the time) simply refuses to discuss issues I want to discuss (his wife and the true nature of their relationship, e.g.), yells at me for getting upset when he chooses to spend excessive time with his friends instead of me (given that his time with me is limited on account of above wife, who, of course, he has promised to leave), and just generally makes any concern or issue I have about the relationship a criticism of him that he "does not deserve." Everything is my fault, all the time, unless he is caught red-handed lying.

Carolyn Hax: When everything is wrong with a relationship -- everything -- figuring out whether it's abusive is a hair you don't need to split.

He's married, he doesn't communicate, he yells, he lies, and he's married. Please get out and, with whatever momentum your departure creates, into counseling with a competent, reputable and compatible therapist who can help you sort out why you're hanging on so hard to someone who gives you so little.

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another nasty sister: My sister is not talking to me (after calling and yelling at me) because my husband went on a golf trip with a group of guys which included her ex husband. I didn't go on the golf trip, wasn't invited. Same group of guys have been going for years. I have had no contact with her ex since they broke up.

She said she won't let us see her kids anymore, because they deserve to be around people who are supportive. Of her.

Now what?

Carolyn Hax: You can approach her as if she's a rational person who just suffered an irrational break, even if you don't think it's true. "Okay, you're severing our relationship because my husband still has the same contact with your ex as he always has, and I'm still having no contact with him as I have since you split. Is there something else going on here, and can I help? Because I'd at least like a chance to talk about this."

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re: WDC: Yes please get out. There are single people out here you could be in a bad relationship with!

Affectionately,

-- Single, overworked, and hating it.

Carolyn Hax: See, there's hope.

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Richmond: Married people admitting there are other attractive people out there is miiiiiiiiiles away from having a crush on someone you work with. What makes you crave fantasizing about him? Fill that void (not figure out how to get your spouse to fill that void). Hell, there are people out there WAY more attractive that I, so that has NOTHING to do with the fact that my husband and I are faithful to each other. Handsomeness has nothing to do with fidelity.

Carolyn Hax: Well, wait a minute, the crush could have nothing to do with traditional looks as well.

But I do like your point. It would be useful to parse the crush and see whether there's an underlying somethingorother that needs (healthier) attention. Thanks.

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Re: Jealous sis: Hi Carolyn -- It's me, the original poster. Thanks for answering my question and for posting the responses from the peanuts. It's nice to get some different perspectives from people with and without kids. I think my sister was feeling that I was talking to/through my toddler the whole time, which is what one of the posters suggested. But it's really, really hard to focus a brain on simultaneous a) adult conversation, and b) preventing toddler from injury to herself or house. And, I've been around enough toddlers to know that mine is on the very-active end of the spectrum (heck, she was even that way in utero!).

Carolyn Hax: Thanks. That's certainly the way it sounded, and it also sounded as if your sister's frustration was of the I've-seen-plenty-of-people-with-toddlers-handle-everything-just-fine-so-why-didn't-you? variety.

And really, that attitude is not a problem just with the narrowly defined group of people who don't know (or just believe) that different kids have different energy levels. It's a problem in all areas of human interaction, where the limits of what we have witnessed are taken as absolutes of what is true. As in, I've seen people find time for friends despite being in med school, so why can't you?! Or, I'm able to go out and socialize after a long day at the office, why can't you?! It's a terribly common strain of judgmental behavior that, as some of you may have noticed, doesn't sit too well with me.

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crushes while married: My husband and I talk about our work crushes with each other and I think we both genuinely get a kick out of the whole thing. I know he loves me and he would never act on a crush. I think having it all out in the open is much healthier. If you're not talking about it, it's still happening.

Carolyn Hax: Or:

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Crush: As the left out spouse, I am constantly frustrated by my husband's crush on a woman at work. Please figure this out -- it's devastating to those of us who are left to figure out what's wrong with us.

Carolyn Hax: Another one of those things that defies easy classification.

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corralling toddlers: my mother has always lamented the demise of the playpen. She had seven of us (children, not playpens) and found it a lifesaver with proper supervision and adequate toys/books. Playpen always in the room with her while she supervised homework or other activity with the older ones. Said she would on occasion if a nice day, have playpen on patio while she did the dishes (open window in front of the sink, door open, too).

Granted, not all toddlers would take to that (they need to "toddle" certainly) but I understand her point and wish my friends would use them every once in a while.

Carolyn Hax: I'm with your mom here, though mine didn't really take to theirs ...

So we went with a portable gate that was intended for creating an outdoor, fenced area, but that we in desperation moved inside. Good times.

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re: WDC: The way she framed the problem just really says it all. "My relationship is great...until his wife gets in the way!"

Carolyn Hax: Actually, it was more like, "My awful relationship is fine with me ... until his wife gets in the way!"

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office crushes of married people: Wait! Why is having crushes bad? I recognize that men other than my husband are attractive -- in many of the same ways that first attracted me to him in the first place. I've had crushes on coworkers, but never acted on them. I love my husband. Does that mean I'm not supposed to be attracted to anyone else, or does that mean that I don't understand how the 'nuts are using the word "crush"?

Carolyn Hax: I offered those two posts to show they can take such dramatically different forms. There's the we're-all-human-and-occasionally-our-heads-turn crush, and there's the I'm-so-distracted-I'm-neglecting-my-spouse crush. The former are great to laugh about with one's spouse, and the other are best talked about with one's choice of wise and detached counsel.

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D.C.: Help! I'm going to a movie tonight with a guy that I dated briefly (i.e.. 6-8 dates over a month). Enjoyed his company but he was gauging everything for life partner potential. A little heady for me! We decided to end the dating about three weeks ago. We get along great and I genuinely want to be friends. So now we're trying to maintain a friendship even if we aren't dating anymore. Tonight will be the first night of getting together without a kiss at the end (we've texted a half dozen times, the hey, how's things variety). I'd really like to keep any awkwardness at bay...suggestions? I know I shouldn't plan for it to be off a bit (I'm hoping the friend transition is seamless) but what can I do if it starts to feel, well, icky? Thanks!

Carolyn Hax: Realize icky is not the end of the world? If you can get past it, that also says good things about the prospects for this friendship, which is off to an odd start to begin with. In fact you probably should plan for it to be off a bit.

And if you can't get past the ick, then that will be useful information too.

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WDC again: To clarify: it was really an "I know the married part is bad enough, but for some reason I can't get out of that. I think it would be easier to get out if I knew that even in a non-married situation, I'd be unhappy."

(BTW, I'm out. It's only been a few days. I'm just looking for whatever help I can get to make myself stay out, because he always draws me back.)

Carolyn Hax: The relationship you described had several markers of emotional abuse, and your getting sucked back in when you know you shouldn't is yet another one. Please do take the counseling suggestion.

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Carolyn Hax: I've got a funny collection of feedback postings at the top of my queue, so I'm going to throw out a few of them ...

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Crush: At a company Christmas party, my husband introduced me to a woman as "the woman I'd be dating if I wasn't married to you". It was apparently after a glass of wine too many, but I laughed really hard. Never mentioned it again, and 18 years later we're still married.

Carolyn Hax: Nice, thanks.

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Judgmental behaviorist: My sister, who I always considered kind and generous, was incensed that her mother in law (who was recuperating with them from a knee injury) didn't wash well enough to keep her feet from being stinky. I had to clue her in that not everyone has rose petal feet like her (I too am a stinky footer, which she didn't remember from childhood). She had no clue that it was due to inability to reach, not laziness... It's amazing how little people can sometimes see outside of their own little bubble. My sister did actually feel bad and then bought her MIL a long-handled brush with nice soaps as a present...

Carolyn Hax: (checking my feet ...)

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Lashing out: Haha, this may not make the chat, but it amuses me, so I'll share. My best friend and I (I'm female, he's male), lived together for eight years. Before I started birth control I would get extremely moody and overly sensitive before my period would start. He would get excessively cranky and pissy if his blood sugar was too low. Over the course of time, (through both honest conversation and observation), we learned what was REALLY behind our snitty little fights.

If I was being emotionally overwrought, he would be able to pause and ask me if my period was coming. I'd be angry, pause, and realize YES, YES IT WAS. Situation defused. We'd both laugh. I would similarly ask him if he'd eaten recently, and he'd pause, snap no, and I'll him to eat a sandwich. Situation defused.

Calling each other out consistently defused the situation and made us laugh. Then we could go about being reasonable, more cheerful individuals.

Carolyn Hax: This does work, but you have to like each other a lot. Getting called out, even in exactly this way, by someone you don't like is like gas on a fire.

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Toddlers: My first child did not ever sit still. He played with everything except toys. We would go to play groups and bypass a whole roomful of new toys to open the cabinets, trashcan, fridge, oven, toilets, push every button or flip every switch, eat the dog food instead of the yummy snacks. I wasn't "not reining him in". I never got to have more than a two-sentence conversation. I usually left and ended up crying. I hated to go to playdates, parties, cookouts, etc. because I spent the entire time following him around. He is just fine now and can play without constant supervision. My second was completely different and I could finally enjoy outings with both of them. I know some thought I was too protective of him or I wasn't parenting properly. Believe me I was going to scream if I heard "Just redirect him" one more time. After the fiftieth time of saying "No" and removing him from the same VCR, it just wasn't working with him. There are just going to be some extra energetic and curious kids.

Carolyn Hax: Thanks. Maybe the sister will read this.

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Next Stop Sing-Sing: Where can I buy said cattle prod/electric collar for my 23 month old daughter? All other attempts to corral her have failed.

Carolyn Hax: E-mail me and I'll tell you all about the indoor gate we used. tellme@washpost.com

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raised hand: I'm here and I should be doing laundry at the laundromat.

Carolyn Hax: Almost there ...

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VA: I think the snappish poster might be my spouse. Go to a cafe, honey.

Carolyn Hax: Okay then. That covers all the threads, I think.

Bye bye, thanks, and eek -- I need to change the day next week. Michele, is Thursday at noon okay?

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washingtonpost.com: Yes, definitely! - Michele

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Washington, D.C.: Guffaw, thanks a lot to that poster above. Next time my girlfriend (if I had one) is being a bitch I'll just ask her if her period is coming. I'm sure that will take care of everything.

Carolyn Hax: Just remember, you heard it here. (I'm typing this from under my dining room table.)

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Carolyn Hax: Okay then, see you all Thursday at noon.

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In her daily column in The Washington Post Style section, Carolyn Hax offers readers advice based on the experiences of someone who's been there. Hax is an ex-repatriated New Englander with a liberal arts degree and a lot of opinions and that's about it, really, when you get right down to it. Oh, and the shoes. A lot of shoes.

Have more to say? Check out Carolyn's discussion group, Hax-Philes. Comments submitted to the chat may be used in the discussion group. You can also e-mail Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com. Or check out Carolyn's Recent Columns.

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