Carolyn Hax Live: Advice Columnist Tackles Your Problems

Carolyn was online Friday, June 12 taking your questions and comments about her current advice column and any other questions you might have about the strange train we call life. Her answers may appear online or in an upcoming column.

Carolyn's Recent Columns

Past Carolyn Hax Live Discussions

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chirp chirp: Hax, are you on Twitter? Say yes!

Carolyn Hax: No!

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Carolyn Hax: Today's soundtrack comes courtesy of World Party, whom I've recently rediscovered. Let's see if that makes for as strange a chat as the Eels did a few weeks ago.

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Pennsylvania: I have a very important question for you. Is it "kerfluffle" or "kerfuffle"? I lean to the first because I like the sound better. Your thoughts?

Carolyn Hax: It's kerfuffle, but if you can say "kerfluffle" without screwing up your next word or two, then more power to you.

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Washington, D.C.: Hi Carolyn,

My older sister is going through a horrible divorce/custody battle with a horrible crazy abusive man. She keeps dating guys briefly, thinking they're the one, then getting dumped. Every time I see her (every couple of months) she constantly talks about how sad she is, cries in public (i.e.grocery store) and thinks everyone from me to my acquaintances want to hear her break-up and a**hole husband stories. She is coming on vacation with me later this year, with another sister and a friend of mine. I organized this trip and I REALLY need it to be relaxing and not a week-long sob session. How can I handle this in a loving, supportive, but sanity-preserving way?

Carolyn Hax: Your sister is in urgent need of counseling. Her child(ren) are in even more urgent need of her getting counseling. Is she getting any help?

If not, the most loving, supportive, compassionate and -responsible- thing you can say, in response to her stories, is say, "This is above my level of expertise. Please consider getting good professional help." Use this response virtually every time her stories require any response beyond "there, there." Mix it up by offering to help her track down someone reputable.

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Panicsville: I'm going to be a senior in college in the fall and I'm freaking out about The Future. I did great in high school, got into a really good college (probably because they thought it'd be amusing to have someone from Kansas), and did really mediocre-ly in college for reasons I'm still trying to understand. (Part of it has to do with depression and medical problems, but a lot of it is my personal shortcomings.) I never failed anything and managed to get good jobs during summers and the school year, but I don't think my grades or qualifications are good enough to go to grad school in science, which had been my career plan. (Even if they are good enough to be accepted somewhere, I currently lack the confidence in my worth as a scientist to make grad school something I want to pursue.) So now I'm becoming paralyzed by the thought that I lack the ability to make something of myself. I see plenty of talented, accomplished people unable to find jobs in this economy, which makes prospects look hopeless for me, who not only didn't do well in school but really lacks any idea of what I'd be suited to doing. I'm passionate about a lot of things, but have never stuck with any one thing for long enough to be a real asset to anyone. I've heard that a lot of people aren't sure what to do with themselves after college; my feeling of this is intensified and made horrifying by the idea that I simply won't be able to do anything. I need advice from a sober, rational person with perspective.

Carolyn Hax: Sit down, deep breaths. At least long enough to read the answer. Afterward you might want to take a long walk or check for times of a yoga class. (Being semi-facetious about the former, but serious about the latter.)

You got in because you stood out.

You had medical problems while you were there.

You have both of these in you--traits that make you stand out, and a susceptibility to self-doubt and depression. If you're going to put together a workable plan for the next few years (and beyond), it'll only work if you include all the information, instead of cherry-picking the information that's closest at hand.

More information to add: Life is long. Transcripts can skip you straight into grad school, and arguably can get your career started, but pretty quickly, your more recent experiences will displace them.

More information: It doesn't sound as if grad school would be a good idea for you anyway. You struggled in the academic environment (please note, this is not the same thing as struggling academically, though they do often go hand-in-had). You've been in school all your life, and you find yourself unhappy and unsure. That, to me, is a sign that it's time to change your environment, to see what else you can learn about the world, and what the world can teach you about yourself.

Add all these up, and it's actually possible for you to achieve the same goals you had in mind for yourself all along. (more)

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Carolyn Hax: You can get yourself into the working world in a field maybe that doesn't interest you as a path to your final destination, and maybe that isn't something you'd care to brag about at your 10th reunion, but that can pay you; teach you about professional behavior and pitfalls; teach you to manage your money; introduce you to people of a range of ages, vs. just students/peers; finance travel to areas that interest you; feed you while you pursue volunteer work in a field that does excite you; focus your mind on something practical to displace the navel-gazing that collegiate life allows; and ultimately help you clear your head.

As you start saving money, developing perspective and accumulating work experience, you can revisit the grad school idea. If it still appeals to you, you can go back to school (there are countless full-time-worker-friendly programs out there) to take, or re-take, the prerequisites for the kind of programs you want. More mature, focused students usually ace these things, or at least vastly outperform their 18-21-year-old selves.

Then you can apply to your desired programs as a strong candidate.

So really the focus of your attention should not be inward at your soul, but outward at your career office, so you can explore realistic and, ideally, non-deathly-dull positions through which you can enter the working world.

After the long walk/yoga class. Good luck.

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And then: I'm not the original poster, but that could be my sister. I have begged her to get help and offered to pay for it. Then she says "I can't tell my problems to a stranger."

Was that a 'kerthunk' I heard from your keyboard? What do I do now?

Carolyn Hax: "Well then, get to know your therapist first. Apparently your current strategy has done nothing to fix the problems, or else you wouldn't keep asking me. So, I think it's time for a new strategy."

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For the prospective grad school student:

Get a job in a science related field, even an entry-level. Try on your future before you spend thousands of $$$ in it.

I sure wish I had been a paralegal before I signed my life away for law school. Then I'd know how much I hated the legal environment.

Carolyn Hax: Thanks.

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Dunedin, Fla.: Hi Carolyn! I began seeing a man almost two years ago whom my strongest attachment to is how much HE loves ME. It's become like a prison. He is a sweet person (to me) but using any other measure its a disaster. He has no money, always struggling, bad family history, bad marital history, no future except "being together", like a warm, if pathetic blanket. How did I get here? What should I do? My "commitment" to this man has limited my life in so many ways and I could never admit this to him.

Carolyn Hax: Then why are you still with him?

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Echo Park, Calif.: World Party? That's so late '80s/early '90s. May I suggest The Decemberists next time? Try The Crane Wife, an awesome record.

Carolyn Hax: I will, because the more the merrier as far as interesting music, but why does it involve having to chuck the older stuff?

Besides, "Ship of Fools" sounds awfully current to me.

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More for the prospective grad school student: I review applications for social science masters students and I assure you we are more interested in your experience than your grades. It helps if you have at least a year or two of doing something interesting (or that you describe in an interesting way) on your CV. I'd much rather read about that than about the classes you took. My two cents.

Carolyn Hax: Ka-ching. Thanks.

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Re: Panicsville: Fifteen years ago I would have written the exact thing to Carolyn. I took a year off from worrying about anything (lived with my parents and took a regular retail job). I spent that year learning to forgive my "failure" and learning to enjoy being me. In the course of that time, I learned that I didn't have to continue the same course, so I gave myself permission to explore other things through a community college. It turns out that I have a great eye and LOVE photography. Fifteen years later, I am a photographer, have two beautiful children and a loving spouse. My point is - There is a sunrise and sunset in each day. Look to the East and let it warm your soul.

Carolyn Hax: You did the yoga classes, too?

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Re: Chronically Upset Sister: Thanks for your response. You're absolutely right, she desperately needs counseling, and not only have my other sisters and parents said that many times, a judge also ordered it for her, the kids and her husband. She went for a few weeks and then was told she was "done." She doesn't seem to think she needs it anymore.

Re: responding beyond "there, there" - I actually do have wisdom to offer on the boyfriend problems, but I've offered it so many times and she just is stuck where she is (re-living adolescence).

Carolyn Hax: It's not that you don't have the wisdom to offer--it's that she doesn't have the strong enough emotional foundation to receive it. My original advice stands, except now the repeated phrase is to gently/firmly urge a return to counseling. Every shoulder she leans on--be it grudgingly or eagerly offered, doesn't matter--enables her to go another day avoiding the professional help she needs.

I don't represent this as The Way to Fix Your Sister. It may be that she never wants to fix her problems, and so never will.

It's just that the loving bystanders to such emotional calamities are stuck with one job, and it's a vague and lousy one: Be the agents for a solution, whatever that solution is.

If she had a serious illness, you could drive her to appointments and help her take care of her kids. Since she has an emotional illness, all you can do is -not- be the vehicle she uses to avoid treatment. I'm sorry. I wish there were a better answer.

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Washington, D.C.: Hi Carolyn! My fiance and I have disagreement that keeps recurring in our otherwise great relationship. I like to work out about six days a week for 1 1/2 hrs (total time including changing, stretching, etc). I have been doing this for years and love the feeling of being fit and the stress release it gives me. My fiance thinks my exercise is excessive, and the fact that I feel a need to keep up this routine, an unhealthy addiction. He also feels like I'm choosing spending time at the gym instead of with him. This wasn't so much of a problem because until recently I was a student with a lot of free time. Now I'm working 8 hours with a 45 min commute, so going to the gym does mean cutting into the little time we have together. Our views on my routine are so opposite, I don't know how this can be resolved. Thoughts?

Carolyn Hax: Seems to me you're both using the wrong language to talk about this problem. Your fiance is attacking your exercise habit as the problem. You are defending the exercise habit as something you enjoy that keeps you healthy.

Therefore, neither of you is talking about the fact that you're gone for 8 + 1.5 + 1.5 of your waking hours five days a week, and he misses seeing you.

If you both just stipulate that the exercise habit is something you healthy that you love, and that happens to be a massive time suck, then you can both talk more objectively about fitting it into your life as a couple.

It might even help if you put everything on the table in discussing the way you allocate your time, like the commute, or the location of your gym, or how you design your workouts, whether you can include him in some of them, and whatever else comes into play.

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San Francisco, Calif.: WAIT WHAT. There was a discussion on the Eels and I missed it? And can't find it in the archives? Help!

washingtonpost.com: Hax Chat on the Eels (The Washington Post, March 20, 2009)

Carolyn Hax: Well, the chat wasn't on the Eels. I was "on" the Eels when I chatted. Thanks, Jodi.

Oh, right! Say hi to Jodi, everybody. Michele, the newly arrived Michele, is newly departed to pursue her dream of running her own business.

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washingtonpost.com: Hello Everyone! - Jodi

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Maryland: My daughter will be a second grader in the fall. She has a girlfriend who is very sick with cancer. It does not look good for the little girl at all. I am consumed with grief for this little girl and her family. I continue to pray for her recovery, but at the same time I struggle with what to tell my 7-year-old. She knows the friend is sick. She knows its cancer. I think that is enough now, but I don't want this to be a total surprise for her either. Am I getting ahead of myself?

Carolyn Hax: I don't think you are, and in fact I would suggest getting ahead of it. It's a known phenomenon that kids with cancer are braver at handling it than their parents are; I have to think that translates to the kids' friends and their parents.

Since "I have to think" is no substitute for an informed opinion, I urge you to check with a known authority on practical ways to help your daughter through this. Since you caught me without a resource, I'm just going to steer you to St. Jude's, the pediatric cancer center--www.stjude.org--and throw it out to the nutterati for other ideas.

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Hi Jodi: Hope you're not about to pursue your life-long dream!

washingtonpost.com: Working for the Post has been a life-long dream!

Carolyn Hax: Let's not disenchant her, at least not till her second week producing this chat.

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Help: I just found out today that I'm pregnant. It was an accident. I am fortunate to be married to a wonderful guy, and we were planning to have children at some point...just not for a few years, at least. My husband in particular wanted to wait until his career was in a better place, we'd have more time as newlyweds, etc.

He's on a business trip now, so I will tell him in a few days when he gets back--and I would desperately like your advice. My own father was pretty distant from us kids, and I overheard my mother mention once that he always felt that it happened too early, that he didn't have enough time to enjoy being independent and not completely subject to a little person's unremitting needs.

So I'm terrified that my own husband--who I'm sure will be a wonderful father, otherwise--may always secretly (?) regret that lost time, and that even if it doesn't affect his relationship with his family, it will make him privately unhappy in some way.

Do you think that this is generally the case? Or do many people (who want to be parents eventually anyway) adapt well once the "surprise" baby arrives?

Thanks so much for your thoughts; it's been a tough day.

Carolyn Hax: Would you please, please please, share your fears with your husband? In a way that's sympathetic to both of you, of course, not as a guilt-trip chaser to your news?

Some people adapt well, some people don't, and your odds of the former go way up if you're BOTH open about your doubts, and if you're BOTH invested in helping each other face them.

The approach that's guaranteed to fail, on the other hand, is to hold onto the old vision of life, vs. building a new one around your--yes--happy news.

Congratulations.

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D.C.: How do you pick questions to answer? I've submitted many times but have never been witty enough to get an answer.

Carolyn Hax: Don't be so tough on yourself! I don't even see 75 percent of the questions that come in until after I'm finished, when I read through the outtakes. The main requirement is that it be a question I can actually answer on the fly. Some are impossible without more thought, and that's not necessarily something you'd know as you were typing out your question.

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Help, I'm horrified: Hi Carolyn:

I have two kids - a 2-year-old boy who looks just like his father and a 1-year-old girl who looks just like me. The kids' grandparents have played an active role in caring for our kids while we're at work. Unfortunately, my mother-in-law does not seem to have any affection at all for my daughter, while she just loves my son to death. My MIL only watches my son, while my parents watch both kids on some days and then my daughter on the days that my MIL watches my son. My husband and I have decided that it's time to put the kids in day care. My mother-in-law has offered to watch my son so that he doesn't have to go to day care, only my daughter will have to. My husband thinks this is a good option since it will save us money. I think it's horrifying. My daughter is still young, but it's not going to take long before she wonders why her one grandmother only seems to have love and affection for her brother and not her. And I can't imagine telling the kids when they're older..."Well, [daughter] went to day care from ages 1 to 5 years, but [son] didn't because grandma wanted to take care of him." Do you have any advice? Do the peanuts? Is this as horrifying as I think it is?

Carolyn Hax: It's every bit as horrifying as you think it is. You have to nip this in the bud, now, starting with a conversation with your husband--but soon followed by saying no to -any- babysitting by your MIL. Here's why: If you insist that she watch both children, then she'll act out her favoritism while your daughter is there to watch. If you keep letting her watch just your son, then you send the message that her favoritism is okay, when it is not, it is poison.

It is natural for people to favor some children over others--it's just the way personalities work, and kids are people with personalities like anyone else.

But the moment an adult frees him or herself from the obligation to be fair despite any personal preferences, and to show love for all children just because they're innocent and impressionable and deserve no less, that adult might as well wear a sign: "THIS IS ALL ABOUT ME." Your MIL doesn't give a sliver of a [durn] about your kids' emotional health, she's in it for her own gratification--and that means she's out except for supervised visits. (Unless and until she demonstrates to your satisfaction that she gets it, but beware the calculated act.)

This will be hard, but nowhere near as hard as it will be when you start seeing the teenage fruits of this spoiling/neglect cycle your MIL is setting in motion. Just for starters, it'll kill the relationship between your two kids.

By the way, the likenesses might still change over time. Should be interesting to see if the allegiances do, too.

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For Maryland: Elizabeth Kubler-Ross has written extensively about her experiences with terminally ill children, and her insight on how they seem to confront, accept and understand mortality may be helpful.

Carolyn Hax: Great, thank you.

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State of Excitement!: I just found out last week that I'm pregnant. My husband and I are thrilled because we are older, definitely wanted a baby, and had been trying for several months. I feel like we hit the jackpot!

But WHAT is up with the baby industry? I thought the wedding industry was absurd! I never realized that I could be made to feel like I'm a bad mother already at six weeks because I wasn't 125 lbs. before conception, am not doing prenatal yoga every day, and haven't already instituted an in-utero musical education program for my embryo.

Any advice on how to stay sane and above it all for the next 34 weeks?

Carolyn Hax: Laugh. That's your only chance.

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The Hangover: Have you seen it yet Carolyn? Zach absolutley crushes and is awesome, steals the movie in my opinion!! I second what the earlier poster said about The Decemberists, great band!!

Carolyn Hax: The closest I got to "The Hangover" was seeing "Up" with the kids in the theater next door. Besides, I got to watch Zach (Galifianakis, Nick's first cousin, for those who are wondering) steal scenes for about a decade. One time when we were moving, Zach and his brother Greg helped out (Greg could have done it all himself, Paul Bunyan-like). Somewhere early in the process, Zach stripped naked except for his work boots, put on one of my bathing suits, and stayed that way, straight-faced, maillot and Timberlands, for the remaining hours of the move.

I was reminded of this bit of comedic foreshadowing when i saw Zach in those Absolut ads.

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Horrifying MIL: The worse problem is that the husband thinks it's OK to keep letting his mother play favorites in order to save money. Did he pick up his mother's prejudices or does he just not care?

Carolyn Hax: This is why I said it had to start with a conversation with the husband. I mean, day care is expensive, but surely his daughter's psyche is priceless? His lack of outrage is disturbing, but I still have hope that he's just obtuse.

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Colorado Springs: I'm one dad who never thought about or really wanted to have kids, particularly, and we had a "surprise" kid 11 months after getting married. Definitely long before I would have considered myself ready.

And it was the best thing that ever happened to me, and the most fun I've ever had. He's still one of the high points of my life 24 years later.

Carolyn Hax: Yay, dad. Thanks.

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Rest of us?: Any advice for the rest of us who have no engagement/baby news to share and have no dating prospects on the horizon?

Carolyn Hax: Yes--enjoy! Milestones are stressful. The time you're in is the time that is, relatively, the easiest to control. Stretches of routine are the best time to start doing something you've always wanted to try, for example. They allow you to be a better friend, or a more focused reader, or a more avant-garde cook, or a more thoughtful neighbor, whatever.

Or, if you're sick of trying, it's the best time just to coast for a while.

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Fairfax, Va.: My husband and I are pregnant with our third baby and just learned it is another girl, making this girl #3. We are both just thrilled the baby is healthy. What is the appropriate response to friends, family, and even strangers when they express blatant disappointment that we aren't having a boy? My pregnancy hormones make me want to use physical violence but I know there is a better way to handle it... Thanks :)

Carolyn Hax: Smile beatifically as you behold the morons before you, and let their remarks just hang in the air.

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D.C.: Is it ever okay to make a move on a ex's best friend? The ex and I haven't seen each other since the break-up, but the best friend and I still get together and hang-out/talk; we got to be pretty good friends during my relationship with his friend. We have a great chemistry/banter, but I am afraid he would never make a move because of his friendship.

Carolyn Hax: How old are all involved, how old were you when you were involved with Ex, for how long were you involved, and for how long has Best Friend been Ex's best friend?

It all matters, I swear.

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Surprise dad: I was also a surprise dad. Things have turned out great and I wouldn't have it any other way.

A few cautions: - Remember that pregnancy is real for you and surreal for us. - Taking time to warm up to the idea is not the same as being against it. - Talk about misgivings and listen, don't penalize for being honest. - Give space when it's overwhelming. - Ask for "concrete" assistance. Some guys don't want to be asked to feel a certain way but will gladly paint or move furniture. - Be vigilant against neglect but understanding of ambivilence.

My wife was a gem and I'd like to think helped polish this diamond in the rough of a dad.

Carolyn Hax: I repeat, "don't penalize for being honest." Thanks.

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First Date Question: I have a first date this weekend with someone I met a couple of weeks ago. He suggested an activity that I consider both too athletic and not really first-date appropriate (minds out of the gutter, people!). I said no thanks, and suggested something else.

Well, he came back with how he didn't see how it was so athletic. I felt dismissed - I think I know what I'm capable of, and what sort of activities I enjoy! Who wants to spend a first date doing something they don't consider very fun? I mean, dates are bad enough...why make them worse?

Is he being thick or rude? And should I go on the date?

Carolyn Hax: Probably not, but I'm curious. Do you remember exactly how you turned down the [canola-oil naked Twister]? Did you say exactly, "too athletic and not really first-date appropriate"?

And what was his tone when he said he didn't see how it was so athletic?

I say "probably not" because he's already got you on the defensive, and that works out better in romantic comedies than it does in real life. But details would help me answer the thick vs. rude question.

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Favorite-playing granny: Might have nothing at all to do with who looks like whom. Very common for families to favor boys over girls. That may be why husband isn't as bothered by it -- he grew up favored over sisters, maybe, and it doesn't feel weird to him because he's used to it. Not making excuses. Just saying.

Carolyn Hax: It's certainly possible. One of the worst players of favorites I've seen, however, chose both boys and girls as favorites at various times. What goes into the latching-on process is probably different for everyone who does this. What stays the same is that it's driven by pure self-interest on the part of the person choosing.

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DID YOU EVER WEAR THE BATHING SUIT AGAIN?: Inquiring minds must know...

Carolyn Hax: Saved it for future auction.

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Philadelphia: Dear Carolyn,

My fiance just broke off our engagement and ended all contact. We had been together for almost seven years and were househunting in the city where we had chosen to settle. I was planning a future, kids, etc with this man. Now he's gone and I am daunted by the thought of going from having everything (in a romantic sense) to having nothing. It's like being 21 again except that I am DEFINITELY not 21 anymore and cannot imagine completely starting over. What would you do if you were me?

Carolyn Hax: Start with small things, and start bringing back to your life whatever you pushed out over the course of your seven years. It doesn't have to be something huge, just, say, painting a room a color you love that you couldn't use before because he hated it or thought it was too whatever. Or, watching movies of a genre he didn't like, or cooking something you stopped serving. Even the most compatible of mates have likes and dislikes that subtly change your daily lives together.

It's not only comforting in the short-term (and harmlessly vengeful) to bring back things you gave up, but it's also a sneaky way to reintroduce yourself to yourself, the person you are when there's no one else around. That's the person who's going to figure out what's next for you. When you're through grieving, you may really enjoy that next step.

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What is it?: Oh my God, what could this athletic activity be?

Carolyn Hax: I know, I'm dying to know, too.

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Wedding delimna: I'm in my mid-20s, and I've been invited to one of my first fancy weddings. (I live in a state where weddings are typically super informal, no RSVP-required events.) The invite was addressed just to me - not to "me and guest". Does this mean I have to attend a formal sit-down wedding by myself? I don't know many of the other people who will be attending. If it matters, I have a boyfriend of five years who the bride has met before. I'd like to bring him, but I don't want to be totally out of line. Please help!!!!

Carolyn Hax: It means you can't bring your boyfriend, I'm sorry, unless he got his own invitation separately. However, it doesn't mean you have to go alone, because you don't have to go. If the dread outweighs the value of going, then stay home. If you're up for the adventure, though, then don't look at the high concentration of strangers as a problem, but instead an opportunity. New faces, open bar, dancing, waving the flag for a friend. In all, not a bad way to spend a weekend, if your heart is in it.

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Babies Aga, IN: We've been trying for our first for about a year. My wife has had some medical issues for which she has a whole pharmacy full of medications she's supposed to take on a daily basis in hopes of getting her 'normal' (her word). She is really stressed about her appointment on Monday with the endocrinologist where she may or may not get the green light for trying again.

I understand that she is stressed becuase the doctor could say we should wait longer, but then she tells me that she's not been taking all her medication as prescribed.

I'm conflicted, because on the one hand, I want to be supportive of her, but on the other hand, I can't wrap my head around her being stressed about still being 'broken', but not taking her meds.

It doesn't help that all her friends have either just gotten pregnant or recently popped.

Should I get a larger pillow to muffle my screams? I'd appreciate any insight you could give me.

Carolyn Hax: Ask her if there's something bigger on her mind, and let her know it's safe to talk to you (see "don't penalize for honesty," above).

Her not taking her meds is akin to being passive-aggressive, except that she's being passive-aggressive with herself. She says she wants something, and then she fails to take the steps necessary to get it. Equate that to a more familiar household chores squabble: A spouse says, "Yes, I know it's not fair for you to do everything, I'll start doing more around the house," and yet dishes remain in the sink.

Usually that kind of resistance has an explanation. Just as the chore squabble has larger themes--as in, Spouse likes being waited on but is smart/selfish enough not to admit it, or Spouse doesn't feel invested in the marriage and the not helping is merely detachment--there could also be a larger theme here: Maybe she secretly doesn't really want a baby, or she's scared, and skipping her meds is easier than facing her fears. Or, another tack, she questions or just resents that she needs the meds and this is her way of taking control of her body.

All speculation, of course, which is why your best approach would be to encourage her to speak up. Whatever it is, it's better said and dealt with than avoided while you develop a close personal relationship with your pillow.

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Athletic Date...: Canoeing. No canola oil involved. I tried to pass it off humorously - that I'm not a human Mountain Dew ad and I'd rather go for a walk. I wound up having to spell out that if you're small and female, and don't have a lot of upper body strength, yes, it's athletic. Plus, something I've tried and don't consider fun. Finally, I'm at high risk for skin cancer and being in the sun on the water is something I'm supposed to avoid.

It's hard to tell what the tone was - e-mail is tricky that way. We're going for the walk instead.

What annoys me is that if I suggest an activity, and the other person declines, I figure they have their reasons and I leave it alone. I don't press the issue. Like, what if I suggested going for a drink to someone who turned out to be in AA? And they suggested coffee? I wouldn't come back with, "Oh, but this place has GREAT margaritas!"

I find it uncomfortable to explain wimpy arms and fair skin before we've even gone out.

Carolyn Hax: It was by e-mail, so all bets on tone are off. He could have been pressing the issue beyond the point of courtesy, or he could have been genuinely curious--like he thought about your possible objections and came up empty, and figured he'd just ask. Voice tone and facial expression could change this from an amiable conversation to a hostile one without changing even one of the words you exchanged.

Which brings us back to the other issue, whether someone with sun restrictions, who thinks "female" belongs on a list of reasons canoeing wouldn't be fun, and who thinks canoeing isn't an appropriate first-date activity, should even go on a date with someone who, for their first date, suggests canoeing.

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LA: My wife doesn't trust me around our baby. She has no reason not to, but I guess she has no real reason to, either. She has not said anything about it, and whenever I bring it up she seems not to know what I'm talking about. What do I do?

Carolyn Hax: Another very serious problem, a la the favorite-playing granny. It's not just bad now--you can't care for your own child?!--but the trajectory goes to much scarier places, such as a sense of alienation from your child, a too-close attachment between mom and child, a lack of communication between dad and mom/husband and wife.

If talking about it isn't getting you anywhere, then try concrete suggestions: She starts going on a girl's night with her friends, you care for child; she takes a weekly class, you care for child, etc. Whatever you offer, tailor it to her natural interests so it isn't easy for her to blow off. If she goes for it, then you might find that it's enough for her to see, on a regular basis, that all is well when you're on duty. Some people just get freaked by the whole baby thing and refuse to let go until someone or something persuades them it's okay.

If instead she refuses, and nothing is persuasive enough for her to trust you with the child (a good indicator will be if she doesn't trust anybody but herself, or, say, one approved grandparent, probably her own mom or dad), then it's time for some professional intervention. Your pediatrician should be able to recommend a good marriage/family therapist.

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Re: Babies Aga, IN: She could be afraid of failing. It's logical to think, I failed because I didn't take all of the medicine. It's a lot harder to think, I did everything I could and I still failed.

Carolyn Hax: Another possibility, thanks.

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Carolyn Hax: A combo of fear and control, in fact.

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Washington D.C.: Carolyn

Do you think marriages tend to be less stable now than they used to be? If yes, why do you think this is the case or trend?

Thanks

Carolyn Hax: I think marriage has always been a hit-or-miss proposition, but the way the misses manifest themselves has changed with the times. Before good record-keeping, one spouse could up and disappear, catch the first boat somewhere else. Before good law enforcement and long life-expectancies, I'm sure plenty of bad marriages ended with the unfortunate demise of the lovely Mrs. Shrillnag, or the upstanding Mr. Shrillnag. When there's heavy legal or societal pressure, mis-married couples celebrate their 50th and then go back to not speaking to each other.

At the moment, at least in my corner of the USA, they call their lawyers and hope it doesn't get too ugly. People have different opinions on which is the right thing to do, and should act accordingly, as long as it doesn't involve arsenic.

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Re: Athletic Date: You haven't even gone on one date and you're already so distressed that you're writing to Hax for advice. Just wait till you're six months in and you're back here talking about how unfair it is that he spends every other weekend canoeing with his friends.

Carolyn Hax: Snort.

To the original questioner: Tell him you're the indoorsy type, and if he foresees that will be a problem, you'll understand completely and you can go merrily on your separate ways.

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North Carolina: As an avid female paddler who regularly enjoys 10-15 mile days on the water, may I ask for the guy's number if things don't work out?

Carolyn Hax: There is serious interest being expressed here by women ISO a canoeing kind of guy. Just FYI.

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For Philadelphia: Been there, big time. The reason I live in D.C. and not Philadelphia is because I moved here for such a relationship that went the same direction yours did.

Carolyn's right--get to know yourself again. I picked a new neighborhood that my ex hadn't liked, chose an apartment that suited my tastes even though it was inconvenient on almost every level (a 1940s kitchen on a 4th floor walkup), but I loved it. I went to movies I wanted to see, painted my bedroom pink (a HUGE no-no before), took pottery and sailing classes in my sudden copious amount of free time and before I knew it, I had more personality (and more friends) than I'd had during the entire five-year relationship.

So go have some fun!

Carolyn Hax: As always, I can say it, but nothing beats walking it. Thanks for pitching in.

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Re: Friend's Ex: Everyone is mid 20s. I started dating Ex when I was 20, we dated for about a year. The two guys have been friends since college. What's the prognosis?

Carolyn Hax: Pounce. Sensitively, or course, and all that. You dated when you weren't fully formed, for not a terribly long time, and they became friends in about the same era. That says to me that everyone can be all grown up about the fact that you've all grown up since the original roles were assigned. It also says that if your ex can't or won't be all grown up about it, then the best friend might realistically choose a promising relationship over an allegiance to a friend whom he has possibly somewhat outgrown.

Not that this is a crystal ball attempt, just throwing out high-percentage scenarios that point toward leaving the past in the past.

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Canoeing?: Okay - first as a small, paler than Casper, wimpy armed female, allow me to say that canoeing is not hard and the insinuation that females don't like to canoe is just outrageous.

Second, I think canceling the date is just the way to go as they seem to like different things and she turned what was, IMO, a great first date idea that was unique and showed some thinking into a major drama.

Look - I am not the world's most athletic person, but if guy said, "we should go rock climbing", I'd crack a joke about my true terror of heights but suck it up and try it. The world is too small and life is too long to not try everything once.

And canoeing is just more entertaining then yet another drinks/dinner with the same conversation.

Carolyn Hax: and one more ...

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First date: Male here. Give the canoeing guy a break -- he was trying to come up with something distinctive and memorable for a first date activity. Beats the heck out of the fallback coffee date for a first-timer. And I am sure that he was definitely curious as to why you rejected the idea, so he could come up with something equally memorable that might be a better fit.

If you're going out with him, surely you have common ground, so focus on that and maybe help him out!

Carolyn Hax: And that's it. gotta run ... figuratively, not athletically. Bye, thanks and see you next Fri.

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In her daily column in The Washington Post Style section, Carolyn Hax offers readers advice based on the experiences of someone who's been there. Hax is an ex-repatriated New Englander with a liberal arts degree and a lot of opinions and that's about it, really, when you get right down to it. Oh, and the shoes. A lot of shoes.

E-mail Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com.

Got more to say? Check out Carolyn's discussion group, Hax-Philes. Comments submitted to the chat may be used in the discussion group.

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