Washington Sketch: The Confirmation Hearing Edition

Post columnist Dana Milbank serves as the capital's foremost critic of political theater in his Washington Sketch columns, videos and blog posts.

Didn't get your question answered by Sotomayor this week? Dana answered them. He testified Friday, July 15 at noon ET. His answers will be just like a Supreme Court nominee's: elliptical, opaque and unsatisfying.

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Dana Milbank:

Good afternoon, Mr. Chairman, ranking member, and members of the committee.

It is an honor to testify before you this morning. It is a testament to the American dream that I am appearing before you today to do this online chat. I grew up in the mean streets of Long Island, New York, in the shadow of the Nassau Veterans Memorial Coliseum, where the New York Islanders won four Stanley Cups. With my family, I watched Happy Days and Laverne and Shirley. And here I am today, answering questions from you. It shows that, in America, anything is possible.

So, you didn't get your question answered by Sonia Sotomayor this week? Ask me. I will attempt to answer them in the style of a Supreme Court nominee: elliptical, opaque and unsatisfying.

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C Street Gig...: So how does a Conservative get to join the C Street Family? How do you prove God or Jesus chose you to lead the rest of us? Seems like a safe place to chase tail...

Dana Milbank:

I have applied to Tom Coburn for membership in the C Street fraternity, which as my brilliant colleague Manuel Roig-Franzia wrote, counts among its alumni both Mark Sanford and John Ensign. I do not chase tail per se, but I do spend a lot of time chasing my own tail.

I cannot claim that God or Jesus chose me to lead the rest of you, but I do have a small bit of evidence: After getting my haircut this morning, the stylist gave me a free tube of hair gel that, it says on the label, contains myrrh. If I am offered frankincense with my sandwich after this chat, I will consider that confirmation that I am eligible to join the C Street fraternity.

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Fairfax County, Va.: I'm left with a feeling there should have been a fourth round of questioning. While technically Perry Mason did "lose a case" in three episodes, isn't it fairer in the spirit of the series considered as a whole to look at the later plot twists in each of those episodes, and also whether the case was at the core of that episode's plot, or simply a premise or set-up to what followed? Plus, a wholly unexplored issue was, which were better, the books or the TV shows? We're left with a sadly incomplete sense of the nominee's views, and no sense at all of whether she has seen the new Harry Potter movie.

washingtonpost.com: The Case of the Stumped Jurist

Dana Milbank:

You are correct, senator.

In fact, I think members of the committee were too gentle on the nominee's obvious misstatement of the facts of the Perry Mason precedents. She stated that he only lost one case, where in fact it could be more plausibly argued that he did not prevail in three cases. Indeed, the Supreme Court has, by a vote of 5-4, overturned Sotomayor's finding that Mason lost only one case.

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Roswell, Ga.: Dana,

My condolences on losing Sen. Burris. At least you have another 18 months.

Dana Milbank:

Thank you. I took that very hard when that bulletin crossed my Blackberry. But then I thought of Al Franken. The Lord giveth, the Lord taketh away. See? The myrrh in my hair has already started to work.

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washingtonpost.com: C Street: The Political Enclave That Dare Not Speak Its Name

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Chevy Chase: I asked Ana Marie Cox about you and she gave this response. Do you have an iota of an idealogical core?

Ana Marie Cox: Some of the criticism of Dana did devolve into "he's a right-wing hack," but I think the actual problem with Dana is that he's just kind of a hack. I mean that in the most complementary way possible, truly: He is a prolific and entertaining writer, but I can not detect an iota of an ideological core. I might like his writing better if I could.

He's very funny, and smart. I just never get the feeling that he actually cares about anything beyond getting some laughs -- usually mean ones -- out of it.

And my pot is really more of a charcoal color, not especially black.

Dana Milbank:

Thank you for the question, senator.

Yes, I am a hack and proud of it. I believe my desire to become a hack came from watching Happy Days and Laverne and Shirley with my family every Tuesday night.

I have an iota or two of ideology but I try to keep that to myself. My main ideological iota says that we deserve a better government than we have and better leaders than we generally get from either party.

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Philadelphia: Mr. Milbank: I thought your article today about Frank Ricci showed an appalling lack of empathy for the obstacles that he and other white firefighters had to overcome. All good Republicans can agree that empathy has no place in applying the law, except in circumstances such as Ricci's. By having Ricci testify, our clear-thinking Republican Senators demonstrated that Sotomayor is an emotional, hot-blooded Latina woman who is so blinded by prejudice that she will apply the law with cold, hard objectivity, even when it demands empathy for the obvious suffering and handicaps of white men. Your obvious lack of empathy for the white firefighters reveals that you too may be harboring the sensibilities of an alleged wise Latina woman. Can you defend yourself?

Dana Milbank:

Senator, it is entirely possible that I have an iota of wise Latina woman in me. It may have come from the hair gel, too.

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Washington, D.C.: "Thank you. I took that very hard when that bulletin crossed my Blackberry. But then I thought of Al Franken. The Lord giveth, the Lord taketh away. See? The myrrh in my hair has already started to work."

Ummm, doesn't that count as "Franken Sense"?

Dana Milbank:

I am honored and indeed humbled to be in the presence of such great questioners.

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Pittsburgh: How in the heck did Democratic Pittsburgh Congressman Mike Doyle get admitted to the C Street fraternity? Has he been engaging in (heh, heh) extracurricular activies?

Dana Milbank:

Well, the Appalachian trail does run through Pennsylvania.

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Tuckahoe, NY : You press guys are so gutless, always slobbering over fire fighters like each of these guys are Captains Courageous. Did you ever see these guys put on the sirens and head to the grocery story to load up on fixin's for their next huge meal at the firehouse? Its silly to idealize every single person who holds this one kind of job, just like its dopey to make blanket condemnations of ...well... journalists. Never mind.

Dana Milbank:

Actually I do have quite a bit of familiarity with the New Haven fire department. In college, they were frequently called to my dorm to investigate unauthorized discharges of the fire extinguishers.

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Boston: Dana,

You seem happy to have Al Franken around, but to me the best material comes from those serious, extra straight members of congress. You, of course, know best.

Dana Milbank:

My goal is to laugh with Franken, not at Franken.

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Alexandria, Va.: It's hardly fair we don't get a chance to ask Sen. Sessions just what is "that crack cocaine thing." Insights?

Dana Milbank:

If anybody on the committee missed this gem yesterday, make sure you catch it. It's at the end of today's Mouthpiece Theater:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/video/2009/07/06/VI2009070601109.html

Although I think the best part is Sessions wants to "do that crack cocaine thing" with Leahy.

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San Francisco, CA: John Ensign, Mark Sanford, now Chip Pickering?

All housemates at that conservative "prayer breakfast" house on C Street?

We Dems may have to claim the "Big Dog" but these hounds are definitely giving us a run for our money. I would think the specter of Jack Ryan, whose wacky exploits caused his withdrawal from the Senate and almost certainly set Barack Obama on his way to win in 2008 would be something the R's would remember.

washingtonpost.com: Wife of ex-GOP Rep. Pickering claims he had affair

Dana Milbank:

Ruh roh. I think now that The Girlfriends of the C Street Frat have heard that John Ensign's mom and dad have paid his mistress $96,000, everybody else wants a payout.

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Omaha, Neb.: So is Coburn going to escape wider notice for his R. Ricardo impersonation? I don't think it was significant in the grand scheme of the hearings, but it was SO incredibly tactless I'm surprised no one (excepting the Eagle Eye of the Washington Sketch) has called him out on it. It was also a sweet bit of irony considering the heat the GOP wanted to lay on Sotomayor for her supposed endorsement of "identity politics." (And really, since when has "significant" been a requisite value for the 24-hour news cycle?)

washingtonpost.com: The Case of the Stumped Jurist

Dana Milbank:

I wondered about that. Coburn has gotten a bit of grief for it, but I'm guessing his base among the Christian fundamentalists of Tulsa isn't too concerned.

I should also add that there is no evidence that Coburn, though a member of the C Street Club, has hiked the Appalachian Trail, so to speak. But he did tell Sotomayor during the hearing that he was 38 weeks pregnant.

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Fairfax: Dana, Linda Chavez spoke of drinking from the "well of identity politics." Does this mean that the Identity Politics Bar and Grill serves only well drinks?

And if Linda Chavez offered to buy you a drink from the well of identity politics, what drink would you order? If you drank it, would your identity be something other than "hack"?

Dana Milbank:

The Well of Identity Politics is dark and poisonous, the inimitable Ms. Chavez told the committee yesterday. I suspect this means it is running above EPA-accepted standards for ideological iota parts per million. I do not know whether drinking from it would cause me to be less of a hack or merely to make me look more like Ana Marie Cox.

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The Appalachian Trail: "I do spend a lot of time chasing my own tail."

Mr. Milbank, is this a euphemism?

Dana Milbank:

Now, now, just because David Cone (of Mets bullpen fame) testified before the Judiciary Committee yesterday, that doesn't make it open season for wanker jokes.

For the record, I prefer hiking in groups, so as to scare off bears. (Come to think of it that sounds like a euphemism too.)

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Vienna: It is said that every male has his feminine side. You have suggested that your feminine side is that of a wise Latina jurist.

Considering Gov. Mark Sanford's recent taste in women, are you worried that his male side will find itself attracted to your inner wise Latina jurist?

Dana Milbank:

Luckily the Post is on L Street, Northwest, far away from C Street, Southeast.

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DC: So I'm a wondering...the next time you talk to Lindsey Graham, will you please take some of the anonymous critism of him that's floating about, read it to him and point out to him that this is a learning moment where he can vow to be a kinder, more thoughtful, more compassionate (dare one say empathetic?) Senator.

Seriously, A senator or any member of Congress lecturing anyone on how to treat people like staff is beyond hilarious...history is legion of staffers who know just how far to stand away from the desk of their Congressman/Senator so they wouldn't be hit by a flying phone as they were being dressed down for not bringing in the right change after retrieving dry cleaning...

Dana Milbank:

I think Lindsey must have taken the criticism to heart, because when he came out to question the firefighter panel yesterday afternoon, the betting at the press table was that he was drunk. Some highlights:

GRAHAM to Chavez: Let's make sure that we let the whole country know the Republican Party is just not a party of short white guys.

Graham to Ricci: Now, Mr. Ricci, I would want you to come to my house, if it was on fire. And I appreciate how difficult this must have been for you to bust your ass and to study so hard.

Graham to Bloomberg: Mayor, having to govern a city as diverse as New York must be very, very difficult. It is also a pleasure?

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Garfield, NJ : My favorite moment at the hearing -- and there were so many -- was when Sen. Graham said that if he said the things that J. Sotomayor said, his career would be over. And sure enough, the next day he claimed to be a wise Latina, and it caused an uproar in South Carolina, although supporters of Gov. Sanford had a mixed reaction.

Dana Milbank:

Whatever his ideological iotas, and whatever well he was drinking from at lunch, Graham is a national treasure. I could not stand to lose Burris and him.

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Hartford, Conn.: Can you explain why Sotomayor was dressed like a giant raspberry yesterday?

Dana Milbank:

The better question is why Joan Biskupic of USA Today showed up twice this week in almost the identical color to the nominee.

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Derry, N.H.: Was it painful to be forced to sit and watch these proceedings for three straight days? I love politics, but this latest round of kabuki was a snooze-fest. Do you anticipate the next nomination to be equally thrilling?

P.S. I miss the thrill of a candidate explaining how hairs can be found on Coke cans.

Dana Milbank:

My pain was minimal compared to that of Jan Crawford Greenberg of ABC News, who wore a fleece jacket for the proceedings because of the 62-degree temperature in her skybox.

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Dunnellon, FLA: My question for Judge Sotomayor was never asked, let alone answered. To wit, or twit, "What would you do for a Klondike Bar?"

Dana Milbank:

I would put myrrh in my hair and hike the Appalachian Trail alone.

Well, members of the committee, it has been a great honor and privilege to appear before you this afternoon. It is now time for my Hacks Anonymous meeting, and I mustn't be late because this is the session where we are going to be implanted with ideological iotas.

May God bless you, Al Franken and Lindsey Graham, and give Jeff Sessions whatever drugs he needs.

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