Chatological Humor: Re-imagining 'Zits,' The WP Mag Redesign; Polanski (UPDATED 10.20.09)
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Tuesday, September 29, 2009; 12:00 PM
Weekly Updates: Oct. 6 | Oct. 13 | Oct. 20
Gene Weingarten's humor column, Below the Beltway, appears every Sunday in The Washington Post magazine. It is syndicated nationally by the Washington Post Writers Group.
At one time or another, Below the Beltway has managed to offend persons of both sexes as well as individuals belonging to every religious, ethnic, regional, political and socioeconomic group. If you know of a group we have missed, please write in and the situation will be promptly rectified. "Rectified" is a funny word.
On one Tuesday each month, Gene is online to take your questions and abuse. He will chat about anything. Although this chat is sometimes updated between live shows, it is not and never will be a "blog," even though many persons keep making that mistake. One reason for the confusion is the Underpants Paradox: Blogs, like underpants, contain "threads," whereas this chat contains no "threads" but, like underpants, does sometimes get funky and inexcusable.
This Month's Polls:
Poll 1
Poll 2
Poll 3 -- I Lean Liberal | I Lean Conservative
Important, secret note to readers: The management of The Washington Post apparently does not know this chat exists, or it would have been shut down long ago. Please do not tell them. Thank you.
Weingarten is also the author of "The Hypochondriac's Guide to Life. And Death," co-author of "I'm with Stupid," with feminist scholar Gina Barreca and "Old Dogs: Are the Best Dogs," with photographer Michael S. Williamson.
New to Chatological Humor? Read the FAQ.
P.S. If composing your questions in Microsoft Word please turn off the Smart Quotes functionality or use WordPad. I haven't the time to edit them out. -- Liz
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washingtonpost.com: Good afternoon.
The other day, while noodling around on Twitter, I discovered the page for this attractive, perky young person, Vanessa Alfano. As you can see, Ms. Alfano's life interests are peculiarly commercial: She is into weight-loss programs, home marketing make-money schemes, hot porn teen videos, and she's REALLY into teeth whitening products. Even though those are the subjects of all of her tweets -- she's a relentless generator of spam -- she's got more than a thousand followers signed up to read her every word. She has roughly the same number of followers that I do.
This seemed puzzling to me, so I did a little research. It turns out there is a Vanessa Alfano, and she is, indeed, the woman in the picture. She's a former TV weather lady and early-morning smiley-chatty girl for Fox 5 and CBS affiliates in New York. Currently, she is running a health and fitness Web site and can really use publicity, so she was delighted to get a call from The Washington Post and help me out with whatever I wanted.
Here is how the call went:
Me: So. You just have to answer a few simple questions.
Vanessa: Okay!
Me: How can I get whiter teeth?
Vanessa: Omigosh. I don't know. Maybe baking soda?
Me: What's the best way to make $56K a year working from home?
Vanessa: Omigosh. I don't know. Come up with a good idea, I guess.
Me: Know any sites for hot teen porn?
Vanessa: No! That's not my thing! (pause) Why are you asking me this?
Me: Have you seen your Twitter page lately?
Vanessa: Uh oh. Oh [bad word.]
So I gave her the url, the one you are looking at, which it turns out is not her actual personal Twitter page.
Vanessa: Okay, hang on. Getting it on my screen here. (high-pitched squeally voice) OH MY GOD. THAT'S TOTALLY MY PICTURE.
Me: Totally!
Vanessa: OH MY GOD. SHE HAS MORE FOLLOWERS THAN I DO!
Me: Totally.
Vanessa: Why would somebody do this? I wonder what happens if someone Googles my name... Hang on, lemme see here. (tap-tap-tap) AAAAAGHGHGH. On the first page it says I am on Twitter, and it doesn't link to my site, it totally links to this!
Me: Totally.
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That was a week ago. Vanessa declared herself determined to get to the bottom of it and shut down this feed, but apparently she hasn't been able to do either. I tried, too, and here is what I know: What we have here is a strange sort of Twitter pyramid scheme of odd and uncertain purpose. It turns out that VanessaGirl's 1,000-plus followers are all similar people: Some real, some made up, all of whom seem to be the same as VanessaGirl: Endless vomit-outs of insipid spam, all getting each other's feeds, a tessellated, gigantic mountain of commercial garbage being traded back and forth automatically among sites that aren't human.
I tried e-mailing Biz Stone, the founder of Twitter, but he and I haven't connected yet, so maybe you all can help. As Vanessa told me: "Someone's making money off this, and it isn't me." But who? Why is this worth anyone's time and effort? I've tried some Web experts, and they had no idea.
The first person who comes up with a totally convincing explanation will totally get a signed copy of Christine Lavin's new album, "Cold Pizza for Breakfast," featuring the song "Attractive Stupid People," which I slightly helped write. The album also comes with a little jar of pizza topping that Christine made herself.
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Speaking of famous women of my acquaintance, I am in receipt of roughly 6,000 e-mails, all from men, all demanding to see the photo of Gina Barreca at age 20 that I referenced in this column. With Gina's permission, here it is.
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I am frequently asked why I choose to live in downtown Washington, in an area that might be charitably described as "funky." Here's my answer: Does YOUR neighborhood have THIS? Does your neighborhood have a place that looks like THIS that has a sign on the front of it claiming to be THIS? And lastly, do you have an establishment that calls itself, simply and without explanation, THIS? Can you guess what sort of business "Wisdom" is? Try, with this Instapoll:
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While searching to find a googlenope, I looked up "the penis ruse," only to discover it was, in fact, a googleyup. The phrase has been used three times, but all in connection with one spectacular incident involving, of all people... Tom "Sizemore."
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About a week ago, on Twitter, I asked people to come up with technological "advances" from the last 50 years that proved to be anything but. My nominee was the replacement of the rotating-wheel odometer -- a perfectly excellent technology that needed no improvement -- with the electric digital display, which is inferior for so many reasons they defy enumeration. The strongest contender, from Tweeters, is the replacement of the manual-flush toilet with the execrable automatic version. Can any of you beat that? Another copy of Christine Lavin's album goes to the best nominee entered during this chat.
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We have two clips of the day. The first, short one is this.
The second, longer one, requires some explanation. I discovered it on youtube by accident, and it has become one of my favorite vid clips ever. There are a number of reasons: First, it's famous; it's Tammy's SIGNATURE; one of the biggest selling hit singles by a woman in the history of the country music genre. People listened with reverence to this ludicrously bad song. Second is the clueless-yokel dissonance between the set and her outfit. And lastly, of course, is the protective headgear. I sent this around to friends, and my favorite response came from Manteuffel: "She less human than the presidents at Disney World."
Continuing on the yokel theme, here we have an ear of corn I photographed before eating. For reasons you might guess, I have always called such corn "hillbilly corn."
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Thanks to Horace LaBadie, we learn that the Florida man pulled over for a second time for driving a motorcycle naked while masturbating was Mr. Mark Duffus.
We thank The Rib for noticing a recent story about a 90-year-old hatmaker born Vanilla Powell who married young and married well and kept the last name of her husband, William Beane.
Thad Humphries notes that the normally savvy PETA might wish to consider changing the somewhat unwise name of its blog.
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And finally, please take today's polls (linked above), which include one about a cartoon feature in the newly re-designed Washington Post Magazine. Several readers have asked me to comment about the re-design as a whole. I'm not going to, because it would be unfair. It's too early.
Okay, let's go.
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New York, NY: I am most unhappy with you. Your tomato "sleuthing" has just cut all hope I had about someday enjoying a delicious tomato. In the past 10 years, the only good tomatoes I've eaten were in Italy or from a farmer's market on Long Island. I was holding out hope that somehow I hadn't found that magical tomato and you went ahead and crushed it, just like my grandmother making sauce with real delicious tomatoes 20 years ago. Sigh.
Gene Weingarten: Predictably, I have received dozens of e-mails from people who claim they grow perfect tomatoes. These poor people either are too young or their palates are too callused to remember.
I originally had a different end on this column; it was a clandestine meeting between Tom the Butcher and me in a Metro station. I brought a knife, and salt. We conducted this avoiding the Metro cop; both knife and food were contraband.
Tom claimed he grew great tomatoes. He brought two. The first was a foul sac of crap. The second, though, was pretty damn good. I was savoring it -- like a Merlot -- until, finally the inevitable aftertaste hit: it was that lick of the Amana refrigerator door.
gene: Below the Beltway, (Sept. 27)
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Falls Church, Va.: I hope I am one of thousands to ask how Dr. Mattoo's response to your last question did did not make it into the print edition of the WP magazine. I had looked at your column online Sat. night and thus knew that he had responded. Where are the copy editors? The key grips? Where/when will the madness end?
Gene Weingarten: I am completely shocked and stunned by the fact that I only got one email asking what the heck was the point of the end of my column on Sunday. Here is how the column ended in the printed magazine:
Me: Is it possible to get a great fresh tomato anymore?
Dr. Mattoo: I had one just two weeks ago!
Me: Really?
Dr. Mattoo:
Me: Ah.
Dr. Mattoo: Exactly.
I think people assumed Dr. Mattoo was kidding. Or something. I'm not sure what you thought, actually. The truth is, a line was dropped. The mistake eluded everyone.
Here is how it was meant to end:
Me: Is it possible to get a great fresh tomato anymore?
Dr. Mattoo: I had one just two weeks ago!
Me: Really?
Dr. Mattoo: Yes, in Thessaloniki, Greece, on a peninsula in the Agean Sea.
Me: Ah.
Dr. Mattoo: Exactly.
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Baltimore, Md.: Oh, I can beat the automatic toilet: the automatic paper towel dispenser. There was NOTHING wrong with a roll of paper towels in a simple holder--you could easily unroll as much or as little as you needed.
The automatic paper towel dispenser, on the other hand, is practically useless. It spits out a paper towel that's juuuuuuust too small to completely dry your hands. And it won't dispense another paper towel until you rip the first one off--so if you need to clean up a spill, you have to stand there for a minute wildly waving your hand in front of the sensor while ripping off sheets that it slooooowly dispenses. The one in my office bathroom runs out every single day, so there are rolls of paper towels sitting on the counter next to it. Most people just skip the automatic model and go straight for the rolls.
In addition to the automatic toilets and automatic towel dispenser, our office bathroom has an automatic soap dispenser... but for some reason, I think that's kinda cool.
Gene Weingarten: This is pretty good, but we're gonna do better. The hand blow dryer is worse than this, I think. But I said it, so it doesn't count.
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Easy, electric windows: They are always the first to break in a car and manual windows never break.
Gene Weingarten: Also, good. But not as good as it will get.
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Baltimore, Md.: Harriet Tubman helped African American slaves escape persecution in the South. Oskar Schindler helped Jews escape persecution in Nazi-occupied Poland. Morally speaking, there is no difference in their actions. That some people found the Zits cartoon with Schindler more tasteless than the same cartoon with Tubman reflects bias in society. Perhaps the historical distance between Tubman's work (ending in 1865) and Schindler's (ending in 1945) explains this. There are, after all, Holocaust survivors still alive today.
Gene Weingarten: I am surprised that I am in such a small minority that finds both versions of the cartoon problematic. To me, both versions are (humorously) equating the suffering of victims of terrible cataclysmic human injustices -- the Holocaust, slavery -- to the suffering of high school students in detention.
See next post.
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Zits Cartoon: I see the point of the poll - there is something odd about a joke that turns on a historical reference to slavery. I've got no desire to weight the horribles of slavery versus the Holocaust, but isn't the big difference here one of time? There are still survivors of the Holocaust alive (e.g. Roman Polanski). In the equation of tragedy plus time, the Tubman joke is way out front, even if the "tragedy" quotient is held constant. A hundred years from now, a Schindler joke will probably be funny! (A Dr. Mengele joke probably won't be, but neither is a joke that makes light of slave ownership today.)
Gene Weingarten: This is a reasonable argument that I don't buy. I think slavery is very real and feels very recent to African-Americans, because I think the fallout persists in very tangible ways.
Actually, I'd love to hear from some African-Americans. Am I being all candy-assed oversensitive here on your behalf?
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Corn: Given the numerous stories I have seen over the past year about people in Appalachia wiating for a day or more for free dental and medical care, yes, it is insensitive. Read a few (one was a long piece in the formerly-good Post Magazine) and then think it is funny. I dare you.
Gene Weingarten: I never said it WASN'T insensitive.
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Alexandria, Va.: Regarding more environmentally friendly TP, how rough are we talking about?
Are we talking rough like the cheap stuff that is stocked in mine and probably your office building? Or are we talking about something closer to pine bark?
Gene Weingarten: Let's say we're talking that industrial grade brown hand towels in most public bathrooms.
I'd accept it. You know what would happen? Our butts would toughen up.
People in China call us tenderbutts.
I made that up, but it might be true.
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Essylt: My sister just named her baby girl Essylt. A name that is not only unpronounceable but unforgivable. If parents "telegraph" something about themselves when they name a child, what are they trying to say? Meanwhile, I am soliciting nicknames. Most people are initially saying Essie. I say that sounds like a baby dinosaur. What say you?
Gene Weingarten: Every once in a while I run into a name that looks like it is a joke: Something naughty spelt backwards, like Elohssa.
Alas, not true here. Essylt is just essylt.
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stand by your martian: Here's another shot of Tammy.
Gene Weingarten: Excellent!
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Pat the Perfect, ME: I think people would tend to read the missing comment from Dr. Mattoo to mean he was admitting lying about having found a tasty tomato.
Gene Weingarten: I guess.
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Silver Spring: Gene, the biggest problem with the first poll was that Schindler isn't funny in that context the way Harriet Tubman is. The guy's literally helping his friend sneak out under the eyes of The Man. It was funny before you modified it; not so funny after.
Gene Weingarten: That's EXACTLY what Oskar Schindler did!
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How Co,ME : . . . the 24 hour store in your neighborhood is closed?
I live in Worcester, Mass. Do you have this?
Gene Weingarten: No, but i have been in Worcester. I seriously considered using it as The Armpit of America before I found Battle Mountain.
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Washington, D.C.: What is WRONG with you people? I've only gotten as far as the Zits poll, but seriously? Only 5 percent of people think that comparing detention to SLAVERY is insensitive? Or that co-opting Harriet Tubman to make a middle-class white kid joke is problematic?
Gene Weingarten: Listen, it was obvious to me, but NO ONE is agreeing with us! I thought the Schindler comparison would seal the deal.
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Arlington, VA: Re the Zits cartoon: I (an ethnically Jewish man, age 60) didn't find it problematic, in either the Tubman or Schindler iterations. I suspect it's because most children of the age depicted in the strip have no concept of real suffering or oppression. In their minds there is no difference between an hour in afterschool detention and a lifetime in slavery or death at 18 in Auschwitz.
Gene Weingarten: But... but the artists do!
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Silver Spring, Md.: Gene,
I don't normally do this game in the paper, but I was looking at yesterday's (Monday the 28th) Scrabble game and noticed the third puzzle down had the letters:
E,U,T,T,B,X,S
1) How could this possibly get past an editor? 2) What the heck other word could you possibly make using all of the letters? 3) If this was your tile set in an actual game, would you play--and defend--this word?
Gene Weingarten: This is truly amazing, and it is a reprint. We discussed this right here a couple of years ago. Stunningly enough, they re-ran it.
The "correct" answer is "subtext."
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Polanski: Eugene Robinson got it exactly right. I am sick and tired of hearing about how American prudishness about sex etc. etc. means that Polanski was entitled to a 42-day jail sentence for sodomizing a drugged 13 year old child.
Sure, it sounds idiotic to punish him now, in his 70's, for a crime committed 30 years ago. If he'd been living here all along and prosecutors had waited until now to arrest him, I'd agree that they shouldn't. But HE created that reality -- it wasn't done to him.
I'm sorry, but he raped a child and ran away from punishment. I have no sympathy for his situation now.
Gene Weingarten: Yeah, I think I agree.
There is a complication here -- the prosecution and defense had agreed upon a time-served plea, and a publicity-hungry judge was ready to trash the agreement and throw the book at him. I can see how he felt betrayed, and that he was being made an example of.
I keep coming back to the heinous nature of the crime and the soft nature of the plea agreement: Forty-two days for raping a 13 year old? The runaway judge might well have been justifiably outraged.
So, yeah. Polanski deserves whatever he is going to get, which will probably not be jail time but an enormous legal and financial headache fighting extradition.
By the way, I don't think "Chinatown" was his best movie -- OR Rosemary's Baby. I think it was "The Tenant," a brilliantly dark comedy that died at the box office because it was released, as I recall, right about the time of his exile. If you can rent this movie, do.
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Arlington, Va.: "Essylt" is NOT a made-up name. It comes from Elbonian, and it means "my parents are total morons."
Gene Weingarten: Thank you.
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Woodbridge, Va.: Okay, I've a couple of comments about your insensitive hillbilly-bashing. I come from a long line of hillbillies and know more than a little bit about them. First, about Tammy Wynette. Even when that video was new, everyone made fun of the gawdy dresses and helmet hair of the country stars of the time -- even we hillbillies who were allegedly the target audience. You should try to find the NPR interview of Tammy Wynette from a few years ago and hear all she has to say about that song, and about the bashing she took from the women's movement that was just picking up steam at the time. You still might not like the song, but I'm betting you'll have a new respect for the woman. Hell, my parents, who actually sound like Tammy Wynette when they talk, "can't stand that country music." They're still the modern sophisticates they were in 1942, listening to Glenn Miller, the Dorsey brothers, and that ilk. As for "hillbilly" being a bad term, not at all. It's origin is straightforward. Many of the oldest non-native families in the heart of the southern Appalachians descended from Irish immigrants who came during the late 17th and throughout the 18th centuries -- often arriving as conscripts in the English army and heading for the hills once they got here. William was one of the most common names (think William of Orange -- this was after the English had basically outlawed Catholicism, so most of these early immigrants were Protestant). So the man in the hills was quite literally Billy. No insult in that, they called them like they saw them.
Gene Weingarten: Okay!
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Falls Church, Va.: So do you think it was wrong for Jerry Seinfeld to make out with that woman during Schindler's List?
Gene Weingarten: No. That was hilarious. But there's a difference: The engine of that joke was the untouchableness of the Holocaust.
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Gene Weingarten: Oh, er, I almost forgot. The following phone conversation occurred yesterday.
Me: Hi. I just went to the service station.
The rib: Why?
Me: Because I finally remembered to check out the warning light on the dashboard that you told me about. It's tire pressure. We're fine.
The rib: Oh, good.
Me: See, I'm not THAT absentminded.
The rib: Well, good.
Me: Uh, hang on... oh, crap.
The rib: What?
Me: I think I left my cell phone at the service station.
The rib: You're calling me from your cell phone.
Me: Oh. Right.
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Phoenix, Ariz.: Razor blades with four or more blades. Not only do they fail to provide meaningful improvement, they are sold by the same companies that now try to convince you the old one or two blade systems (that they still sell) are vastly inferior.
Gene Weingarten: True, true. But obvious.
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Fairfax County, Va.: I am submitting early. I liked the illustration in the magazine, which I think you called a cartoon.
I'm familiar with the story of this park for disabled kids which I believe may be unique on the entire East Coast (or at least a very rare example). I assume the idea is that a feature story about this "feel good" location would be predictable, uplifting, cliched, and nobody would read it. It's also not news since it opened a few years ago and that's when the good feature stories were already done.
So, this is a whole different, interesting twist on 'reporting' something local that is interesting but not super news intensive. It packs in a lot of info, but with an emphasis on ambiance, the scene, the feelings, what it's like to go there -- more than the journalistic 5 Ws. I wish your adjective list in the poll had the word "informative" which is what I wanted to check off to describe it.
There's no comparison with Cul De Sac which is a character driven, funny cartoon. This is illustration, not a cartoon.
Gene Weingarten: Okay, thanks. I'm glad you liked it and I am sure others did.
I don't get it. If this is about a place for handicapped children, why are there no handicapped children? If it is filled with rides, why are there no rides shown? If it is a place of extreme bliss, why is no one shown having fun? Why is everyone just... standing around? Why do the words -- bliss, joy, etc. -- seem to counteract the imagery? Does it seem to anyone else as though this seemed a little ... snide and sarcastic? I cannot believe it was meant to be that, but I'm not sure it's delivering whatever it meant to deliver. Why no color, except for in an occasional insignificant place? What purpose do the asterisks serve -- none that seems consistent with any prior use of asterisks that I have seen. Why is "acronym" continuously misused?
I'm confused. I feel as though this is too sophisticated and hip for me. I feel old and feeble or something.
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Twitter impersonators: Here's what one actress finally did in an attempt to deal with the problem of someone impersonating her on Twitter.
No idea why, but apparently it's a common problem, and it's very easy to do and very difficult to stop.
Gene Weingarten: I;ll trust you -- no time to look at it.
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Baltimore, Md.: "To me, both versions are (humorously) equating the suffering of victims of terrible cataclysmic human injustices -- the Holocaust, slavery -- to the suffering of high school students in detention." Really? Can't believe you, of all people, read it so literally. It's not about detention = slavery and the Holocaust. It's about Stupid Teenage Drama that equates detention with "terrible cataclysmic human injustices."
Gene Weingarten: I accept that is how most people are reading it. I'll go further: I'll accept that I must be oversensitive.
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Arlington, Va.: The worst invention ever is the faucet in public bathrooms that REQUIRE you to hold them down in order for water to flow, making it IMPOSSIBLE to actually wash both your hands. Seriously, how did they ever get made and why are they still around (I just saw one in a Sheraton in Baltimore). I think it was a Dilbert cartoon talking about them that said the company that made them must have the motto "One Hand DEFINITELY Does Not Wash the Other."
Gene Weingarten: YES!!! WE HAVE OUR WINNER.
This was the single most idiotic improvement ever. Thank you. Please send your info to me at weingarten(at)washpost.com.
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Falls Church, Va.: I love Cavna's column, but you're going to have to help me with his drawing of that park. It's basically a soft-focus photograph of the park at one given moment, right? I assumed that it was accompanying some article about that park, but I didn't pay enough attention to verify that.
It's not intended to be humorous but rather is earnestly warm-hearted, yes? It's a picture of puppies and kittens playing together in your parents' backyard during a family reunion. Or am I missing a whole level of ironic detachment here?
Gene Weingarten: It's the ironic detachment that I worry about! I think you're right -- it was ironically detached, somehow. Elliptical... mysterious. It was, um, a juxtapositional effort with collisional ethos.
I. Just. Don't. Know.
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Washington, D.C.: As someone who discusses journalistic ethics in a thoughtful way, I'd like to get your opinion of Anne Applebaum's op-ed column this weekend in PostPartisan on Roman Polanski's arrest. The column was an unapologetic paean to Polanski and a firm argument for dropping the arrest warrant and charges. I realize her opinion is what the column represents - but I'm really disturbed that the Post did not make it clear that she is married to the Polish Foreign Minister - an individual who has appealed to the US on Polanski's behalf. As a reader, I would at least like to have had that information clearly and readily attached to her column, as is frequently done with other columns that are directly linked to a politician's views. What say you? Has this become an issue with the ombudsman? Or, because it's online and not the dead tree version, does the ombudsman not have jurisdiction?
Gene Weingarten: Hmm. I don't know! I just read her defense of him, which seemed shallow and off point -- I don't think the fact that he has suffered in life should matter there -- and no, Anne doesn't disclose that her husband is the Foreign Minister of Poland, which he is.
The Smoking Gun has the grand jury transcripts of the questioning of the girl; she was not a virgin, but it was clear by her testimony that she was scared of Polanski and did what he said, and what he said included sodomy.
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Digital Odometer: Isn't it intended to keep people from manually reducing the number of miles on car to fetch a higher resale price?
Gene Weingarten: My uncle once referred to people who did that as "cosmetologists."
I bet you that just as there were people who knew how to do that, there are people who know how to reset a digital-display odometer.
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Washington DC: Re Poalanski, there are some heavy qualifiers you're missing:
1. There was evidence available, that obviously wasn't going to come out in a plea agreement, that Polanski was induced to believe that the girl was then 17 (highly plausible), which would have made the matter only a Class III misdemeanor in California.
2. The girl's mother was behind the events; she was trying to get her daughter cast.
3. Not only did the Judge discard the plea agreement, he did so for obviously improper purposes.
4. The Judge modified bail terms at least three times, with no change in underlying evidence, process, or risk.
This case could not be prosecuted today. It arguably should not have been prosecuted then.
Gene Weingarten: Uh. She was 13.
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Rockville: RE: The faucets that you have to depress continuously to keep the water flowing. Two points: (1) the faucet was designed primarily as a device to limit the waste of water; (2) that being said, if the faucet is properly designed and properly maintained, then it will provide enough water to allow the user to wet hands and lather up, requiring only a second activation to provide water for the final rinse. It ain't perfect, but it does save water - a lot of water.
Gene Weingarten: They NEVER worked as intended. They always shut off before you could get your hands under it.
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Arlington, Vs.: Gene, I'm the guy who, eight or nine years ago, brought two of my home-grown tomatoes to a meet with you in the Washington Post building lobby. The tomatoes were offered as proof that the Great Tomato is not dead. Some days later, by e-mail, you proclaimed them "quite good, in fact, but not as good as Mrs. Conesa's." I took that as a huge compliment, and some proof that I was right.
Since then, however, we have never been able to replicate that particular batch of tomatoes. All of our crop for the last eight years has pretty much been of the bland variety and, though good for cooking, our tomatoes have been strangely unsatisfying when served as a solo item. After reading your Sunday column, I am beginning to fear that you are right.
Gene Weingarten: Oh, I KNOW I'm right.
So does Dr. Mattoo, whose name is just too good to be true.
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Arlington, Va.: Can we have a conversation about unsung inventions that HAVE had a huge impact on the way we live our lives? Because I would vote for wheeled suitcases. Genius!
Gene Weingarten: Yes, they are pretty good. And it's a cliche, but the intermittent wiper, too.
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Newport News, Va.: Re: Tomatoes I assumed he was talking about a woman. I guess I need to clean my brain.
Gene Weingarten: Someone else I know made the same assumption!
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Penn Quarter: There are FBI terrorism police and looks like half the DCFD outside of 9th and Penn... rumor is bomb threat on Wachovia... can you find out what is happening? They have the building locked down.
Gene Weingarten: Anyone?
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Colorado Springs, Colo.: Gene,
You've posted many times before about the death of real journalism, and the ways that bloggers and any other person with an agenda to push are able to post their unauthenticated, non-peer-reviewed vision of the world. Here is a great article in Atlantic Monthly (via Mental_Floss) discussing how a couple of bloggers were able to shape the first discussions on Sonia Sotomayor. What are your thoughts, and how will we get real news in the future?
Gene Weingarten: This is a very interesting story.
What it's pointing out is that as newspapers die, and newsrooms contract, and resources are lessened, the media is forced to rely on the reporting of others, and the others are politically partisan:
"Work formerly done by reporters and producers is now routinely performed by political operatives and amateur ideologues of one stripe or another, whose goal is not to educate the public but to WIN."
So what's wrong with that, if the media is getting the stuff from both sides? Well it's a conflict of accusations, all heat and no light, which is seldom the best way to examine things:
"Its enthusiasts rightly point out that digital media are in nearly every way superior to paper and ink, and represent, in essence, an upgrade in technology. But those giant presses and barrels of ink and fleets of delivery trucks were never what made newspapers invaluable. What gave newspapers their value was the mission and promise of journalism-the hope that someone was getting paid to wade into the daily tide of manure, sort through its deliberate lies and cunning half-truths, and tell a story straight."
That's what we may be losing: The impartial, intelligent, honest broker of facts.
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Long Beach, Calif.: Applebaum's column makes a little more sense now! I thought it was bizarre that a Post reporter would assert that there was evidence that Polanski did not know the girl's age. No there isn't. He testified that he knew her to be 13 at the time. This has been repeated elsewhere by Polanski-apologists, but there's no basis for it.
Gene Weingarten: I just don't know the truth about this.
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Toilet Pap, ER: We've actually got one with an easy answer, here! Behavioral economists would suggest something called a "nudge," wherein you levy additional tax upon the squishy stuff. You set the tax at whatever level will make people prefer the environmentally friendly paper. At the same time, you ensure that those who REALLY care don't get their panties in a wad.
Gene Weingarten: So why didn't we do this with cars, eh? Pay enough for a car and you don't need to bother with that pesky catalytic converter.
Because there's a point where behavioral economics must yield to a sense of equality.
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Today's Poll: I lean liberal and I chose answer 1 for the first two questions. In both cases, the laws seem so broad as to outlaw, say, cartoons where children or animals are abused, or CGI simulations of those things. While those things are morally objectionable as a matter of principle, the law should focus on prosecuting ACTUAL abuse. As far as the law is concerned, the criminal aspect of films depicting actual abuse should not be the choice of subject, but the fact that children or animals were abused in the making of the film. This would rightly treat the film as evidence of a crime and not a crime itself - it's the acts depicted that are criminal.
Also, I don't accept the "contributing to a market" argument because that implies that people can be turned into pedophiles or animal abusers simply by watching the films. That sounds like the common but false claim that people can be recruited into homosexuality.
I get the impression that laws against these types of films have little solid legal reasoning behind them. Instead, they seem like exercises in self-righteous posturing by politicians and jurists, partly to impress voters and partly to make themselves feel good. It takes no moral courage to take a stand against child porn. That's merely the legal equivalent of jeering at the "freaks" on the old tabloid talk shows. It would take much more courage for a politician to say, "Look, these films turn my stomach too, but I refuse to ban it for that reason because that's an unconstitutional abuse of government power." Would you agree?
Gene Weingarten: Only partially. I would have agreed with you entirely two years ago. But I now know a lot more about child porn than I did two years ago, because I worked on a story about it that was ultimately spiked.
I agree with you about the animals: I don't want government deciding what it is permissible for us to see, based on some calcluation, which is bound to be political, of what is cruel or prurient. I require an extraordinarily high threshold in order to give up my First Amendment rights to see, say, and think whatever I want.
The "creates a market" for it argument holds no water with animal cruelty; there is no thriving black market for videos of dog fighting -- the thriving market is in holding the spectacle live, and betting on it. But even if there WERE millions to be made in dog-fight movies, I'm not sure I'd accept the "market" argument. As I said, my threshold is very high.
Child porn passes over that threshold. We like to pretend that we know what child porn is -- "kiddie porn" is a term you hear, which reduces it to something that sounds almost sweet. Nature shots of kids with beachballs. Or at worst, consensual sex with 15 year olds.
That's not what it is. Most of the child pornography being distributed are crime scenes: rapes of very small children. Some are no more than toddlers. Any "consent" is coerced.
People ARE making millions of dollars trafficking in this stuff, and it is hard to make the argument that the hunger for it is not increasing the number of children who are being abused, and having their abuse photographed and videotaped, to be available, traded, swapped, slavered over by perverts, forever.
I'm okay with outlawing possession of that. I see no other way. Yes, it's an abridgment of free speech. It's also an abridgment of free speech to incite a crowd to lynch someone. I can live with laws against both.
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Polanski - It's up to The Girl: The single most important factor in the Polanski case is what The Girl wants. If she has forgiven him, and does not want further media attention then let her wishes be done.
However, that does not mean that we should welcome him back to the U.S. with open arms. His exile is his punishment, and his crime is his stain on his legacy. We should keep up the pressure to keep him in exile, paranoid and hounded. We should shame anyone who showers this pedophile with accolades. He may have made great films, but as a person he should forever be held in contempt by the rest of the non-child-raping world.
See, the missing piece here is atonement. The Girl may have forgiven him, but that forgiveness is seemingly born out of sheer fatigue of the media onslaught, not out of an accepted act of atonement on the part of Mr Polanski. I believe our society is capable of forgiveness, especially if led by the victim. But until he actually atones for his crime, our society should and will continue to hold him responsible.
Gene Weingarten: This is off-point, but several people have used the pedophile word. It's not correct, in this case. Pedophilia is an interest in pre-pubescent children. A sexual desire for young teens is ephebophilia.
Gene Weingarten: Also, I disagree that the current wishes of the girl should matter.
I'm not sure the victim's wishes should ever matter that much in a decision whether to prosecute; they should be weighed, but they should not be dispositive. I say that because victims can be bribed and because in too many cases of spousal abuse, the victim recants under fear, threat, or misguided affection.
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Re: Unsung Inventions: Ace bandages that have velcro at the ind to replace those little winged clips.
Gene Weingarten: Yes. Those metal wings are terrible.
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20003: I'm a fan, Gene, but c'mon: 1. You don't live downtown. You live on Capitol Hill. You work downtown, when you go to the office. 2. Your neighborhood may have been considered funky 15 or 20 years ago, but now it's pretty darn upscale. 3. Most of the places you're picturing are close to you geographically but miles away in neighborhood terms. (See No. 2. Potomac Ave.=funky; Eastern Market=charming and integrated, but pretty darn upscale.)
Gene Weingarten: I am frequently on that block. It's the very next Metro station away.
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What???: "she was not a virgin, but..."
And if she were, it would make a difference?
Gene Weingarten: It would make a minor difference, perhaps, in assessing conflicting claims of whether this was forced or not; if she were a virgin, and I were on a jury and just not sure about this issue, I think it would make me a little more likely to convict. A little. A minor issue.
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Car windows: To the person who thinks electric car windows are a waste, when was the last time you were in a car in which you had to manually roll the windows up and down? In August, a rental car in Philly had manual windows and doors. A real pain as well as a safety hazard for a woman in a strange city. Electric windows rock.
Gene Weingarten: Why is it a safety hazard?
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Indianapolis: I thought Richard Cohen just nailed it today with his column suggesting that Obama should start acting like the president.
I campaigned for Obama, contributed a few bucks and voted for him, expecting Teddy Roosevelt or Franklin Roosevelt. I like some of what he's done, but so far, he's been more like Jimmy Carter.
Your opinion, please.
Gene Weingarten: I liked the column. Liz, can you link?
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washingtonpost.com: Time to Act Like a President, (Post, Sept. 29)
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Washington, D.C.: I admit I started reading the obituary for Dr. Church the minister this morning solely due to the aptonym. However, when I got to the quotes from his sermons, I was intrigued. To me, the sentiments seemed very similar to things you've said in the past about religion, and I wondered what you'd think.
Here are the two quotes in question:
He defined religion, for example, as "our human response to the dual realities of being alive and having to die." He also noted that "God is not God's name. God is our name for that which is greater than all and yet present in each."
To me, these thoughts seem almost atheistic. What say you?
Gene Weingarten: Well, yes. They sound remarkably secular! And wise. But Dr. Church was a Unitarian Universalist.
You know the old joke: When is the name "Jesus" uttered in a Unitarian church? When the janitor falls down the stairs.
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PNC Park: Another cell phone exchange:
My friend is talking to his buddy in Arizona from behind the screen at homeplate at a Pirates - Diamondback game.
MF: Can you see me? I'm just to the right of home plate?
B: What are you wearing?
MF: A white t-shirt.
B: Are you on a cell phone?
MF: I'm talking to you, dude.
Gene Weingarten: Nice.
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Tucson, Ariz.: My cousin's wife recently had a baby girl, who they named Caitlin Kathleen. Not only did they use the dreaded name "Caitlin," but they essentially gave her the same name twice! That's like naming someone "Pablo Paul" or "Mary Maria." Am I right to be incredibly annoyed by this?
Gene Weingarten: Yes, you are.
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Polans, KY: Gene--I was talking with an interracial group of friends this weekend about the Polanski case, and there was a wide variety of opinions among us about it. I then asked the group how their minds might change if the facts of the case stayed the same, but the filmmaker was Spike Lee, not Roman Polanski. Suddenly adding in that racial dimension opened up a whole new conversation about black-white racial taboos, about how the U.S. justice system is often stacked against black men, etc. Changing the question that way, several people changed their stances, and not necessarily along racial lines--some thinking more leniency should be involved, others becoming less forgiving.
I don't believe that changing the scenario from Polanski to Lee changes the overall ethical issues here, but it was fascinating to see how it changed how people viewed the case.
Gene Weingarten: Well, if it had been Spike Lee, back in 1978, this whole issue would be moot. Spike would have served real time, and not been given the opportunity to jump bail.
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Lav, IN: Early Q.... I'll be in a secure facility all day.
You'd mentioned knowing Ms Lavin before. How'd you meet?
I've long been a fan. She can write some laugh-out-loud songs (like the "Regretting" you mentioned, or "Prince Charles" or "What Was I Thinking") and amazingly touching songs like "The Vacation of Their Lives".
I'm more than a fan. I want to have her baby. If I can't do that, I'd at least like to have coffee with her so I can say we chatted and I can cross that off my bucket list (which I don't have, but that would be on it if I did).
So what's the story, Gene?
Gene Weingarten: I was a fan before we met. I had been to two of her concerts. We met as writer (Chris) and editor (me) for a couple of stories she wrote for the Post. Not surprisingly, she can write.
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A real pain as well as a safety hazard for a woman : o good grief, I use manual windows every flicking day of my life. Luv 'em.
Gene Weingarten: Here's a fact I learned when doing the story on babies left in cars:
Remember how power windows used to be see-saw like rocker devices? You know how to close windows now you have to lift the little tab up? Know why that change was made?
It was made after children's safety advocates made the case that those rockers were killing children. Kids would stand on em, and then strangle as the window closed.
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Worst Innovation: Automatic revolving doors. I never know whether to push or not and they always go too slow for any normal human. I end up in a bizarre stutter step of a dance just to get out of a building.
Gene Weingarten: Ooh, okay, you win, too. Send me your info as well.
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Washington, D.C.: So, I've got three kids, and am so done with that. Now, every time I see a person with a baby I think, "I want a dog". But my husband, though he loves dogs, says we don't have a big enough house/yard and don't have a person at home between 8:30 and 2:30, so we can't have one. But I know for a fact that he has a serious soft spot for Irish Setters. Should I just go get us a rescued setter and hope he'll fall in love with it, or is that just courting disaster? If it matters, we love each other and have been married for almost 20 years. PS, I love dogs, too. Big dogs. Drooly ones.
Gene Weingarten: I don't want to slander any breed. But my experience with Irish Setters has not been good. There are crazy Setters out there.
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McLean, Va.: This is going to make flying a lot less fun:
Gene Weingarten: Wow. This is the biggest loser on Earth.
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Arlington, Va.: So I opened up my Orvis Holiday 2009 Gift Catalogue yesterday and there -- pictured amid the Irish tweed caps, plush dog beds, and corncob birdhouses -- was "Old Dogs Are the Best Dogs," by Gene Weingarten and Michael Williamson --Winners of the Pulitzer Prize--! Congratulations. How did your book end up in the catalogue?
By the way, that's www.orvis.com, item number PK1K28.
Gene Weingarten: I have no idea!
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Gene Weingarten: Oh, one more thing. This is important. We're going to try something.
Instead of updating through the week, we are going to be going to an all-Tuesday format. I will be filing new questions and answers on Tuesdays at noon or before. Though there won't be an interactive component, there will be new items, video, poems, fart jokes, etc. Okay? So stop bugging me. This will work. Good.
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Re: in assessing conflicting claims of whether this was forced or not: Really? Because consenting to sex with someone (or maybe even lots of someones) means you give up your right to say "no" and have it mean something?
Take it back.
Gene Weingarten: Do you seriously contend I SAID this or even IMPLIED it?
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Smuh, UT: Gene, you are exactly right on the child-pornography issue. I have prosecuted five federal child-pornography cases, and I can only say that the appalling images I had to deal with are something that I cannot forget. They made me physically ill. And I have to admit that what I saw made me want to punch out the defendants who took those pics.
Gene Weingarten: In doing that story, I was not permitted to see any of the stuff, so I had a police officer watch it and describe to me what he was seeing.
It was plenty enough for me to know I didn't want to see it.
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UU Joke (from a Unitarian Universalist): One of my favorite UU jokes: A little Unitarian Universalist girl was sitting on the curb in front of her house with a sad look on her face. An older lady happened upon her and asked her why she looked so sad. The girl replied, "My kitty cat died."
The older woman, trying to be helpful, said to the little girl, "I know you're sad, but right now your kitty cat is with Jesus."
The girl crinkled her nose for a second and replied, "What would Jesus want with a dead cat?"
Gene Weingarten: Hahahaha.
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Electric Car Windows: Electric car windows are essential if you drive solo and want to have any hope of adjusting windows other than the driver's window, particularly if you need to do so on the move.
Adjusting back-seat hand-cranked windows requires stopping the car and either getting out or performing some fairly entertaining contortions from the driver's seat.
Gene Weingarten: True.
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Washington, DC: A couple've responses to Zits comments:
1. I am only 25 and find it extremely offensive. So I don't buy the 'young people haven't experienced it' argument.
2. There is a long history of great triumphs and struggles of African-Americans being co-opted by white folks (look at some of the language of the gay rights advocates, for example). So, no, you're not being oversensitive. You're noting that making an equivalence between slavery/genocide and detention is absurd, and also probably consciously or unconsciously noting that there is a real pattern of stealing the amazing accomplishments of African-Americans.
Or maybe you'll just call me oversensitive, now. That's fine - I'd rather be oversensitive than play into a history of racism.
Gene Weingarten: We may both be oversensitive. I find the results of this poll really persuasive.
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Cleveland, OH: I work for a real estate development and mangement company, and while the automatic flush toilets and automatic faucets may not have an obvious user benefit, they are a benefit if you manage the building and pay the bills and fix the things that break. People cannot be trusted to turn off water properly and flush. These "advances" save money and water.
Gene Weingarten: Noted.
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Technological advances: Lost your sense of smell? Not smart enough to write the date you bought that meat? How about you spend $50 on a gadget that can sniff that meat for you?
Gene Weingarten: Boy do I not need this gadget. My nose can smell bad meat through the refrigerator door.
I can also smell a bad egg through the shell. Though I haven't had to since I was single.
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Rockville: Gene:
You should know that of about a dozen longtime, loyal Post readers who a group of us have talked to in just the past two days, none of them--none, zilch, zero--had anything positive to say about the magazine's re-design, and everyone--100 percent of them--had negative things to say about it. It's ugly, everything looks like bad ads, it's cluttered, it's messy, it's just plain dumb, it's juvenile, it's dumbed-down, it looks terrible, it feels terrible, and it's far worse than it was. It's un-user-friendly, it's bland, and it just looks like it was designed by a bunch of drunken high school freshmen. It's terrible. And what's with the "WP" on the front? Does some misquided soul think that looks "cool" or something? It doesn't look "cool," or anything else. It looks dumb. The name of the publication is The Washington Post Magazine--and that is what should be on the front of the magazine, in the Post's traditional font. And the old design should return. Unbelievable, just unbelievable.
Gene Weingarten: I LIKE the WP!!
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Polanski and 13-year-old: You didn't say that she could never say no after saying yes, but you did say that her prior chastity would influence your judgement about whether or not a crime had been committed. She was 13, he was 40 something. What did her virginity or lack thereof have to do with anything?
Gene Weingarten: What I SAID was that if all the other facts had left me unsure about conflicting claims of consensuality (and usually, my feeling is, that if a woman says she was raped and is willing to go through what she has to go through in a trial, she's telling the truth) but if I was still unsure, I would find the fact that the girl was previously a virgin to help me move toward conviction.
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More on power windows: I guess power windows are a nice luxury, but they are nowhere near as important/necessary as people are trying to make them sound. My car has manual windows and locks. Now the locks, I sometimes wish were power. It would make things easier. The windows, no. I think I have wished for power windows exactly once, when I was alone in the car and needed to talk to someone in the car to my right. Once, in thirteen years of driving this car.
Gene Weingarten: My car is so tiny it's no biggie to lean over and crank down the passenger-side window.
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Technological advances, continued: I recall being at an Army seminar in the mid-80s, where a prominent general was scolding the research and development community by saying, "We're spending millions of dollars to build something that tells us where we are." Got a big laugh; soldiers are supposed to be able to read maps as a basic skill.
The invention became what we now know as GPS.
Gene Weingarten: I have come to really dislike GPS. I don't trust it so I am constantly second guessing it. And ignoring it.
I also don't use a tape recorder during interviews for the same reason: I never trust that it's working.
Okay, we're done. Thank you all. Huge number of questions today.
So, here's the drill. No updates through this week, but I will be updating every Tuesday, a robust update. Okay? Let's try it.
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Gene Weingarten: One unfortunate outcome of last Tuesday's chat was that it might have created the impression that I believe goobers and clodhoppers -- I mean, rural persons of the American heartland -- are worthy of ridicule. Nothing could be further from the truth. However, several people reminded me that THIS video was brilliantly ridiculed by the Blues Brothers, a scene that also has a little fun with the goobers and clodhoppers.
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Let's see, it takes about eight hours to roast a pig...: I drove by a local church the other day and turned around to go home and get my camera after I saw its sign. I'll send your producer the .jpg if you like, but the web site has the info.
Look at the events for Oct. 3.
Gene Weingarten: Nice.
I have a photo of a real church sign someone once sent me. It says: ABORTION IS MURDER! PIG ROAST SUN. 4PM.
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Gene Weingarten: And further exploring the theme of the day.
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Gene Weingarten: Several knowledgeable readers have pointed out a grotesque factual error in my recent column about songwriting. I hereby apologize for it and shall endeavor to set the record straight.
When I described my lifelong baseball fantasy, I had myself hitting a triple to bat in two runs, winning the World Series in the bottom of the ninth inning for the New York Yankees. Clearly this was insane. It was something I could never do, and would never do. Here's why:
If the Yankees were behind by one run, and two runners were on base, and I hit a ball long enough to drive them both in, it would be completely absurd and reckless and pointless for me to try to stretch that double into a triple. I'd stand at second and watch the second run score.
THAT achievement is still within the realm of possibility. Apologies all around.
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Gene Weingarten: On the subject of modern technologies that do us no favor, this just in from Horace LaBadie --
Touchscreen ATMs are Impossible to use in bright sunlight. The screens are unreadable when the sunlight falls on them directly. They become unresponsive to touch, too, in such conditions. There is an effect that is worse yet, which I discovered today. Apparently, because this one particular ATM is on the eastern side of the bank building, the sensitivity has been cranked up to FULL to compensate for the sunlight falling on it. This morning, however, was overcast, and the screen reacted to every movement from a foot away. I made about a dozen attempts to use it before I succeeded. "You have canceled your transaction. Do you wish to "Return Card," "Continue." Continue. "You have canceled your transaction. Do you wish to "Return Card," "Continue." CONTINUE! "You have canceled your transaction. Do you wish to "Return Card," "Continue." On and on. All that I had done was move my finger TOWARD the screen, but had passed it over the Cancel "button" from six inches away. I had to sneak up on it from the edges and wave at the "buttons" to withdraw some cash.
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Mt. Rainier, Md.: Gene:
I assume you have seen this story.
So what do you think. Were the cows "tormented?" Should the judge have let the jury decide that question?
Gene Weingarten: Here's what I think about that: I think there are rare instances in which certain people may be judged guilty and incarcerated, without the formality of trial, solely on the basis of their mug shots. This is one of those cases.
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Rockville, Md.: On the menace of public libraries.
I've been looking for the piece you wrote several years ago correlating the number of libraries per capita with a district's propensity to vote Democrat or Republican. I'm having no luck. Could your wonderful producer provide a link to it?
Gene Weingarten: You belittle one of my favorite columns; it was FAR more elaborate and objectionable than a mere sociological observation about libraries.
Today's update seems to have a bumpkin-bashing theme, and this column was sort of where it began. I wrote it a few weeks after the disputed 2000 election. It's about how the Bush win was a hicktory, a victory for the hicks.
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Gene Weingarten: I meant to link to this video in the chat. I think it's simply brilliant, largely because of how long it takes you to get the point, and how that delay contributes to the power of the message.
And this is excellent, too.
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Advice: I turned 50 yesterday. I'm female, happily married, mother of school age kid, like my job. Do you have any advice for me?
Gene Weingarten: Clearly, you need a boob job.
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Gene Weingarten: We begin today with an Instapoll. It's an easy one, and maybe an instructive one given the wildly liberal-leaning audience here. Ready?
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Gene Weingarten: Aptonym of the week is the Jets' placekicker, who is winning fans because he is an active Twitter user who is unafraid to write emotional things, such as his grief at his granddaddy's death. His name is Jay Feely.
Gene Weingarten: His holder is Steve Touchy.
Gene Weingarten: Just kidding about that last one.
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tranquility, Now: How can ANYONE believe Gene is telling the truth about that tomato he admits to liking until a mysterious "after taste" allegedly kicked in. He HAD to not like it, or his column was shot.
T the B
Gene Weingarten: I have ascertained that Tom the Butcher is in fact the author of this post, and am going to respond to it at length.
First, I do need to point out that on at least two occasions, in conversations with me, Tom has pronounced "ascertained" as "as-SERT-ened." Just so we know what sort of mind we are dealing with.
But I digress. In his snide query at hand, Tom is raising doubts about my honesty. He is referring to what had been the original end to my column about tomatoes, before I nailed a great interview with Dr. Mattoo, the tomato expert: I was going to write that I had eaten two of Tom's home-grown tomatoes and found both wanting. The second tomato, as I had graciously indicated in the chat, was actually quite good; it was only after swallowing it, I said, that I detected the precise, telltale metallic undertaste I've found modern tomatoes have, a taste I compared to licking a refrigerator door.
With his pride as a farmer wounded, Tom now asks why you should believe me, since admitting that his tomato was a flawless agricultural triumph would have undermined the whole point of my column, and possibly killed the column outright.
This is a fair question, if a nasty one. I shall endeavor to answer it honestly.
You should believe me because your alternative is to believe Tom, a man who admits by his question that he is so incompetent as an editor, and so lacking in integrity, that he would PERMIT A WRITER TO LIE IN PRINT. He KNEW what I was going to write, and had been quite willing for me to publish it that way, despite his supposedly grave reservations about its accuracy.
In short, I invite you to take your pick: Believe the writer who asserts that he is honest, or believe the editor, who asserts, quite clearly, that he is not.
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Gene Weingarten: Many a baseball announcers will try to develop a "signature call," some phrase with which he and only he is associated. Usually, this is what the announcer says after someone hits a home run. Dozens such signature calls abound.
The New York Yankees radio guy, John Sterling, has developed something a little different. It is, depending on how you look at it, either unbelievably lame, or rather brilliant, or both. Or maybe neither. Here is Sterling calling a recent Yankees victory.
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Gene Weingarten: How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. Number one, number two ... http:/
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Baltimor, ON: With regards to your third poll, on animal and child films: Here's the really slippery slope. It's generally regarded that no one can make acceptable photographic "child porn" because it uses actors/models in sexual situations who presumably cannot give legal consent. So what of purely animated or computer generated child porn, where absolutely no harm is done to any child? It's OK for me to make movies where people are depicted as murdered very realistically, but it's reprehensible to make badly-depicted animations of underaged girls and boys doing things consensually, maybe even farcically anatomically impossible (Internet-search "tentacle porn" if you're brave enough)?
I don't condone child porn, but I've seen examples of animated porn from countries with lower ages of consent, and at some point the question obviously becomes a mental exercise of "prosecution for thought."
Gene Weingarten: Well, yes, and at least so far, the law is clear on this. If no real children were involved, you cannot prosecute someone for having this stuff.
In the story I was working on, law enforcement officials needed to do a lot of work in each case to be able to identify the victim -- the actual child -- depicted in each of these cases. Why? Because to fit within the proscribed area of the law, you needed to prove that it was a real child and not a computer-generated image.
The U.S. tried to outlaw computer generated child porn in 1996, and the law was struck down, repeatedly, as unconstitutional.
I agree with this, both as a matter of law and as a matter of justice. Pedophiles are born that way -- or they develop that way at an early age. If their sick urges can be satisfied by material that is produced without hurting a child, fine. What happens in their brains remains in their brains. You cannot and should not criminalize thought.
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Rules to pee by: Hi Gene - Since you helped resolve the issue of dropping poo bags in trash bins, I thought you might be able to help with another doggie ownership question.
I recently adopted a one year old, male dog from the local pound. I have had dogs before, but never one that marked. On our frequent walks, he insists on peeing about every 10 feet. I know I need to pick up any poo, but what are the ethics of letting your dog pee in someone else's yard? I'm pretty sure tree trunks along the sidewalk are okay and basil plants are not, but where's the line in between?
And by the way, anyone who puts edible plants along the sidewalk might want to really think about it before eating them.
Gene Weingarten: What am I missing here? Why is he going INTO yards? By yard, do you mean that strip of grass (I think it's called a "swale") next to the street? Those belong to your dog, not the homeowner.
In my neighborhood, some fastidious homeowners have taken great care to landscape their little grassy area so it looks all fancy and primped up and lovely, an effect they immediately destroy by putting up beautiful signs like this one.
I ignore these signs. Or, more precisely, my dog ignores them, and I permit her to. This is public property; those signs have as much meaning as if I put up a Weingarten flag claiming the U.S. Capitol as my own.
If Murphy DOES foul the area, I always take care to pick up every last doot. To me, that's where my responsibility ends.
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Wheaton, Md.: This is asinine and involves food. Thought you'd appreciate it.
Gene Weingarten: About half of these are excellent.
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Bethesda, Md.: What was Sunday's Doonesbury's point--that Obama is taking on Nazi-like behavior?
Gene Weingarten: Uhhhh.
That's what you think it's saying?
It's making fun of the morons who are comparing Obama, who uses ideas, argument, and rationality, to Hitler.
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A bit chee,KY: This guy in London has taken to spending time in cafes and then sending invoices to the cafes asking to be reimbursed for his time. He's very polite and accounts for each minute of his time spent in each establishment. Some of the places have even sent him checks reimbursing him! The correspondence letters are fantastic.
Gene Weingarten: This is entertaining. Because it is so rare, I am always amazed when someone in authority in the corporate world shows an ability to be genuinely funny.
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Babyville, Md.: Hi Gene,
This question might be better suited to last month's chat, but I hope you'll address it anyway, as it relates to one of your favorite subjects....farts.
I gave birth to my first baby a couple of months ago and since then my farts are completly different! than they were pre-baby. They feel different, but mostly they SOUND different...much louder and more squeaky. I hate it! Have other women experienced this? Does it go away? If it makes a difference i had to get some stitches after labor.
Gene Weingarten: I have spent, literally, an hour diligently researching this issue, expecting nothing. It turns out... yes. Yes, this is a not uncommon experience.
The process of birthing, especially where an episiotomy is performed, temporarily weakens the muscles of your pelvic floor, and though you would think the operation of the sphincter is unrelated, it is not. It may be slightly slackened as well.
Kegel exercises will help. And in good news for your husband, sex will help, too.
You're welcome. Both of you.
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Clevercitystatecombinati, ON: This'll be a couple of weeks old by the time you comment on it, but the Kurtz article in Sept. 15's Style section on the Post Magazine killing a "depressing" story made me think of some of your amazing, but really depressing, pieces for them. (Alaska, Forgetting Kids in the Car, etc...) What's your reaction?
Gene Weingarten: Okay, this seems old, but it's got a new hook, so I'll answer it now.
I am in the process of editing a collection of my cover stories for a book being published this summer by Simon & Schuster. The book will include the following: The Great Zucchini, who as a child witnessed the murder of a child and grew up to be a child-man, Garry Trudeau makes B.D. lose a leg in the fog of war, Brain-Dead girl makes statues Weep, Savoonga, Alaska, where teenagers kill themselves, The Search for The Armpit of America in the wake of 9/11, Bill Clinton's father, who drowned in a ditch, etc.
So, yeah. I hear ya.
The mag editors say that that story, while accurate, unfortunately focused on only one factor made in the course of a complicated transitional decision-making process, and swear they are not banishing "sad" stories. I take them at their word.
Here's another interesting fact: The magazine is looking to hold cover-story length to roughly 4,000 words. That's not a small amount of space, and the impulse to make things shorter is not a bad thing. I will say, though, that the stories listed above average 8,400 words. And in editing these for the book, I'm not seeing much that could be reasonably cut without doing violence to the narrative.
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Baltimore, Md.: I don't use text messaging, but I get the feeling I'm the last person on the planet. It's the only explanation for all the new acronyms popping up in the news stories. I understand it's more efficient to type "BTW" over "by the way" when your texting with the number pad of your mobile phone. But when you're typing at the computer, there's no excuse. Tom Boswell wrote "IOW" in a chat the other day, and once again I had to look it up. Isle Of White? No that doesn't work...ohhh, In Other Words. I feel like I'm back in high school trying to learn French. Do you have a relationship with Boz? Would you ask him to cut it out? Remind him that he's a seasoned professional at the finest newspaper in the world. Furthermore typing "in other words" takes about a half second longer than "IOW." Give us non-texting old farts a break.
Gene Weingarten: i dont agr w/u. i dont h8 acrnyms. i h8 whn ppl wrt lk ths.
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Falls Church, Va.: Gene: Try this one on for size:
Higgledy piggledy Roman R. Polanski Fled Tinseltown's heat for Europe's fair breast.
Should have known that in cases Of molesters in flight Prosecutorial Zeal is no jest.
Gene Weingarten: Why do people, smart people, have such incredibly bad ears for basic meter? I can tell you that in working with the Czar on the Style Invitational for years, the only contests where many of the normally brilliant entrants couldn't write straight were the ones involving doggerel.
In reading the above, doesn't it SOUND wrong to you? Doesn't it thud and crepitate all over the page?
Try this:
Higgledy piggledy
Roman Polanski thought
"Jailbait is safe for a
Genius like me!"
Roman's a dumb-ass, since
Jurisprudentially
Prison awaits and they'll
Throw out the key.
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Old, DOG: My parents' dog is about to turn 13. Sadly, he is blind, nearly deaf, and incontinent if not walked every 4 hours.
Despite all that, his demeanor is quite good. He wags his tail when he smells a familiar person, and he still loves to be patted. He gets around by walking slowly and, when he bumps into something, turning around. He can sense what room he is in by its flooring. In short, he maneuvers much like a Roomba.
My mother's demeanor, however, is far worse. She rarely gets more than 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep, and she returns home from work all day to a kitchen full of the results of the dog's incontinence.
I live in an apartment that does not allow dogs, so I can't take him, even if that would help. My parents' can't leave him outside, because he'd have trouble with the terrain (sticks and trees and ditches).
My parents are considering putting him down, but don't know if it's right because the dog isn't exactly suffering, and is not in pain. However, they--especially my mom--is suffering from all the sleep deprivation, if not the cleanup, er, duties.
What do you recommend?
Gene Weingarten: Okay, I am going to weigh in here in a way that some people might find offensive. I expect it to lead to some followups in next week's chat.
I faced a similar situation many years ago with a beloved collie named Augie, who was 13, deaf, half blind, and half-brained. (Augie was dumb anyway, and in her senescence she became downright imbecilic.) My family was moving to Boston for a year (I had a fellowship) into an apartment that could not take dogs. Augie didn't have a full year left, and we made a decision that leaving her in the care of someone else was both cruel to those people and cruel to the dog. An old dog does is afraid of change. We euthanized her even though she was not technically "sick" or "dying."
Here was my thought process.
We owe our dogs a good life; it's a solemn responsibility we take on, and because they are dogs and not people, we have an additional responsibility: to act always, where possible, in their best interests, including choosing a humane way for them to die.
My father lived two years longer than he would have wanted to. I know that, but there was nothing I could do about it, the laws of murder being what they are. Had my father been a dog, I could have saved him a great deal of suffering.
So, in Augie's case we made what turned out to be a simpler decision than we'd thought. She wasn't in total misery, but a dramatic change in her life would have put her in that state -- and we weren't about to do it. We killed her with a clean conscience; she had lived a very fine dog life, thanks to us. And death holds no fear for a dog, obviously. One day she was a tired old creaky boned, deaf, half blind dog, and one day, she wasn't.
On the morning we euthanized Harry, he ate a hearty breakfast, and enjoyed it. Harry still had things that gave him pleasure. What he did not have was a pair of hind legs that could hold him up anymore, and, much like the case with Augie, we made a decision without guilt. Harry was too old to adapt to some sort of carriage device -- he was already enfeebled in other ways to a significant degree. And yes, in that case, too -- in ALL these cases -- there is a matter of convenience to the owner. You can't ignore that. You know it's there, you confront it, you decide how bad that makes you feel, and you move on in one direction or the other.
I think your parents are facing a similar, though not identical situation, and I hope this can help: From the time a dog is a puppy, it has very few rules that matter, that it obeys fervently, and the big one is: Don't poop in the house. Over the years that rule is hardwired. Your parents'dog doesn't like being incontinent; it's not dignified, to a dog. One of the most moving dog obits of all time (I am forgetting the author -- Benchley, maybe?) ended with the fact that the dog dragged itself to paper before it died, so it would not soil the house.)
Your parents need to weigh all this, make a decision, and not look back. I know what I'd do. I also know this: There is another factor at play, as powerful as the worry over how much euthanasia becomes an act of convenience for the owner. The other factor is how often owners fail to euthanize for what amounts to selfishness -- that they can't bear to deal with the grief of losing the animal.
That's a factor, too.
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Useless reinvention, N.Y.: I hate electric can openers. What is the point? More clutter on the kitchen counter, so you keep it in a cupboard. It takes longer to get it out, plug it in and attach the can than it does to use one of the manual openers. Plus you paid $30 for the privilege for getting another useless gadget that will just gather dust.
Gene Weingarten: My problem with automatic can openers is that they tend to suck when encountering anything but a round can. They do not take corners well.
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Falls Church, Va.: Hi, Gene!
I'm being laid off next week. This isn't as bad as it may seem though -- I didn't really like my job and I wasn't particularly good at it.
You know how everyone has lists of things that they'd like to do, if only they had more time? Suddenly, I'm going to be in the position of having all of the time in the world. I can get in shape. I can vacuum the carpet. I can do all of the little chores around the house that have been neglected for so long.
One of the things that I've always wanted to do was write a book. I've got a basic story outline and some character profiles already, and I've signed up for National Novel Writing month in November. I've also got a few books on the mechanics of writing a novel.
Do you have any advice?
Gene Weingarten: Yes, don't read about how to write a novel. It is written by people who are reduced to writing about how to write a novel, instead of people who write novels.
If you want to learn how to write fiction, read fiction.
Read the sort of fiction you'd like to write. If you are looking to be non-obscurantist, I find the good 1920s-50s era detective novels to be brilliant. Try Rex Stout and John Dickson Carr.
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Submit to the Oct. 27 live chat.
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