The Web Hostess: Social Networks and Voyeurism, More

A weekly chat about the best ways to kill time online. Our Web Hostess, Monica Hesse, sifts the Internet so you don't have to, searching for meaning, manners, and the next great meme.

This week's topics include a recent Harvard study that found the largest group using social networks was made up of men looking at pictures of women they do not know.

poll by twiigs.com

Web Hostess chat archive.

____________________

Monica Hesse: Thanks for stopping by, everyone. Today we've got a Harvard study that went through a lot of highly scientific research in order to determine that men are skeezy on Facebook.

We, in response, have created a highly scientific poll to get reader reaction.

How do you use Facebook? Please remember to include your gender, so that we may stereotype and make broad generalizations.

_______________________

Florida: I'm calling BS on the study: Guys who want to look at women they don't know would really rather look at naked women they don't know, which is really easy and doesn't require social networking sites.

Monica Hesse: Guy or girl? Guy or girl?!

My read of the study is that it's not so much that the guys are fantasizing about these nameless women, just shopping around. You're not going to *actually* get with the chick from NakedGirls.com -- however, you could conceivably date your girlfriend's friends. So you're checking out those photos, as potential alternatives.

But that's just my take. We need much more rampant speculation here.

_______________________

washingtonpost.com:

Monica Hesse: (Oh, and I want to kick off the chat with this video of our modern times, sent to me by Hank Stuever. It honors the most convenient plot device of modern times: Lack of cell phone service.)

_______________________

Dupont Circle, DC: Like most people who spend most of their days online, my friends and I like to send each other links to various funny/amusing things on the web. What's the best response if you've already seen what someone just sent? I used to say that I'd already seen it but that always led to some dejected "oh"s so now I just try to pretend it's new to me too. But I feel stupid doing that.

Monica Hesse: I like to add exclamation points and reassuring notes: "I just saw that! Isn't it awesome?! Thanks for sending it again! I laughed twice as hard!"

Exclamation points prevent your tone from becoming, "I am bored with your lame attempts to amuse me."

_______________________

Fairfax, Va.: I am a Facebook rookie and have only 50-60 "friends," which is fine by me. I have noticed lately that I'll get messages from complete strangers -- complete MALE strangers -- either making a simple friend request, or actually stating that I have a nice smile. I suppose I should be flattered, but I'm not. If you are not already my friend, you are certainly not going to be my Facebook friend. My question is -- does this work for these guys? Do they succeed in striking up friendships (and whatever else) with strange women that they stalk on Facebook?

Monica Hesse: Dunno -- any guys here ever had success with the Facebook pick-up?

It's like the virtual equivalent of "Hey Babying" every woman that walks past. Is it an odds thing? It had to work for someone...

_______________________

Reston, VA: Any chance of the Washington Post getting an app for the iPhone anytime soon?

Monica Hesse: I'm going to post one below in just a sec...

_______________________

washingtonpost.com: Going Out Guide Mobile App

washingtonpost.com: Going Out Guide Mobile App

Monica Hesse: Our mobile app for GOG. Thanks, Paul!

_______________________

Bloomington, Ill.: I just learned that 10 percent of the Internet is devoted to pornography. I was completely surprised by this. When I think of all of the informational sites -- universities, think tanks, government sites; and all of the social sites -- e.g. Facebook, how can 10 percent of the Internet be pornography. But maybe the Harvard study is porn lite?

Monica Hesse: I've heard the 10% too, but am skeptical about methodology. How is this calculated?

But the Internet is a deep, deep place. If you think about the number of times you get porn pop-ups without even trying (usually when your boss is approaching), you gotta figure there are endless opportunities when you're actually trying...

_______________________

Dupont: This site is really good. And ohhhh, how it's true.

Oh Crap. My Parents Joined Facebook.

Monica Hesse: Oddly, I just interviewed the two founders of this site this morning. Nice gals, funny site.

Love to hear about any awkward parental encounters on Facebook.

_______________________

Southern Maryland: How can the social network sites cut down on the voyeurism? I wouldn't recommend switching to paid access. But I can think of some ways to make casual photo-surfing of these sites more difficult. Perhaps no access to photos until you have posted 100 times over a given time period. Or how about changing Facebook's default account setting so no one sees the photos or posts on your site until you add them as friends?

This reminds me of how the newer versions of "Star Trek" missed the social implications of the holodeck. In real life, we would see dozens of creepy ensigns on the Enterprise creating 24th-century versions of the Bunny Ranch, with the Federation drafting and enforcing acceptable-use policies.

Monica Hesse: First, your incorporation of Star Trek analysis is brilliant.

Second -- those pretty much are Facebook's default settings. You can see a thumbnail version of the profile pic, but no photo albums unless you're friends. And only if you're friends with certain access.

Third -- Why would we assume they want to cut down on voyeurism? Isn't the ability to casually surf and make connections one of the benefits to social networking sites?

_______________________

Samos, Greece: Best airline ticket site?

Monica Hesse: Hmm, probably a better question for the Monday travel chat, but Kayak is routinely good.

_______________________

Washington, D.C.: Only 10 percent? I'd have put that number waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay higher.

Monica Hesse: See, Bloomington? You are spending Internet time in all the wrong places.

_______________________

RE: Facebook pick-up: I used to get one all the time form some guy at my college that knew a guy who knew a guy who knew me and they always kinda just freaked me out and I never responded to them at all.

But, I have a friend who actually kinda 'dated' someone who randomly myspace friend-ed her (and she was not like a weird-o who couldnt get dates in person or anything, but I think she really just liked the attention). They talked online and did web chats for months before meeting in real life (they lived in different cities). I thought it was the weirdest thing ever and was always super suspicious of the guy, but he actually turned out to be fairly normal. I ended up not working out cause of distance, but she seemed pretty happy while it was going on and they are still friends-but I still think its weird.

Monica Hesse: I am hearing from reliable sources that meeting someone on Facebook is not automatically creepy. At least, not any different than Match.com. (Which actually does creep me out. What is up with those ads?)

_______________________

Not just guys: Hey, I'm a girl, and I freely admit I FB stalk my hot male friends. Don't get me wrong -- it's not shopping, as I find them to be completely undateable in real life. Not to mention I'm happy with my BF, whose page I honestly barely look at once I perused his photos once or twice. But a girl can look, right?

Looking at guys I don't know? No way. Stalking the guys I know feels more social than creepy. I can see pics of some event we've talked about, or I can congratulate them on some success they mention on their page. They do the same for me, and it's part of the dialog of our friendship. Hey, if they didn't want me to check out their shirtless pics on the beach, then they wouldn't have posted them!

Monica Hesse: Ah, the old blurry boundary between social and creepy.

Do you also look at your female friends? Interesting that women were most interesting in checking out pictures of other girls. Or not interesting, if you believe the dictum that women dress for each other.

_______________________

Bethesda, Md.: Concerning the study: I think it's mostly "people watching" on the Web (guy here, BTW). I will browse pics of friends of friends, or even girlfriends -- but I don't really think "Gee I'd love to date her!"

Monica Hesse: But do you do similar "people watching" with guys? Or is it more "hot female people watching"?

_______________________

Dude in Rockville, MD: I was kinda into doing stuff on Facebook for a while, but I realized I wasn't narcissistic enough to keep it up (I'm 26, by the way). I haven't completely shut down my account because sometimes friends send invites through Facebook only, and I also want to restrict viewing access to pictures of me. I've deleted everything else, and I seldom check the site any more.

Monica Hesse: I've got a story coming out in a few days about the lifecycle of Facebook, with lots of people like you who have either calmed their addiction, purged their friend lists, or decided that most of their 400 friends were ultimately really freaking boring.

_______________________

Midwest female: Okay, so I'm a parent who has access to her child's Facebook page. And, no, I don't talk about leaky bladders or post images of my son in a tutu (although both of those made me laugh out loud when I went to the "Oh Crap; my Parents joined Facebook" site.)

But imagine my husband's and my shock when we went onto our 14-year-old daughter's Facebook page and after the "Interested in:" it said, "Men." She's 14, for heaven's sake. Then we learned there wasn't a choice for "boys." The posting did open up a line of conversation, however -- not a bad thing when you have minors on a social network.

Monica Hesse: I had a similar puritanical reaction when I saw the "men" option on my sister's Facebook. I wanted to throw a towel over her profile.

Kudos for using it to open conversation. But would she have preferred you look the other way?

_______________________

Denver: My peeve of the week is people who respond to comments on blogs and discussion forums by using "@username" to indicate they are replying to a specific post. @ means "at", not "to". I know that Twitter uses @ but that still makes it look idiotic to use it in other forums.

Monica Hesse: Just posting.

Except that considering how much message board "dialogue" is people talking at, rather than to each other, maybe it's more appropriate than it seems.

_______________________

Polls: In light of the Secret Service investigating the Should Obama be Killed poll, I think the WaPo misjudged linking Facebook and scientific polling.

Just sayin'

Monica Hesse: There *might* have been a little sarcasm in our use of "scientific polling." Others not get that? No?

_______________________

internet security is a myth: "Second -- those pretty much are Facebook's default settings. You can see a thumbnail version of the profile pic, but no photo albums unless you're friends. And only if you're friends with certain access"

I am not on Facebook, a friend sent me an email with a link to her photo album, and I could see it.

Monica Hesse: That's true, there is the possibility that you could email around links to profiles. Which really would be creepy, not social.

_______________________

Minnesota: I was kind of a geeky smart girl in high school--braces, braids, skinny (you get the picture.) No dates with the cool guys. I don't look like that now and I'm amazed at the friend requests I get from guys I used to wish would notice me. They're all fat and bald--especially the ones who thought they were "all that." Gives me hope that there's justice out there.

Monica Hesse: A triumph! A triumph of the Facebook age.

_______________________

Facebook "Friends": I have a couple of vague acquaintances whom I haven't unfriended (even though we're not friends) -- simply because, frankly, they're smoking hot, and they post a lot of pictures of themselves and their smoking hot girlfriends at the beach, the club, etc. It's a harmless diversion.

Monica Hesse: Your honesty is applauded. Did you go to high school with Minnesota?

_______________________

Wilmington, Del.: I heard that it's more like 50% of the Internet is devoted to p-rn - so if it's 10%, I'm considerably less grossed out.

For cheap plane travel, I've recently had more success with cheapoair.com than with kayak. No affiliation with either.

Monica Hesse: Passing along.

_______________________

Fayetteville, N.C.: Here is an excellent "time waster" for you!

passive-aggressive notes

Monica Hesse: All of the "do not flush" notes make me realize there are possibilities for toilets beyond anything I have ever considered.

_______________________

Male: Mafia Wars

Monica Hesse: The game? The facebook application? Or the general concept? Are you looking for judgment?

Mafia wars, in general, are bad.

_______________________

Facebook voyeurism: If someone doesn't want strangers looking at their pictures, then they can make them private. It's very easy to do.

Monica Hesse: Yep. It's an interesting push/pull. As much as we reserve the right to be offended when someone looks at our photos, we've still chosen to post the photos. It's like Kate Gosselin, going on a reality show, then acting baffled when the paparazzi stalk her.

_______________________

Bethesda: You said it, Minnesota. I had a HS reunion this year (won't say which one, but it's a distant memory) and the cool/beautiful people have not aged well, while some of the wallflowers are now remarkably hot. There is indeed some justice in the world. Facebook is perfect for learning this.

Monica Hesse: Question: Has Facebook made the high school reunion obsolete? If we already know what people are doing, how many kids they have, and where they went on their last vacation, what's left to talk about with people you'd otherwise have no interaction with?

_______________________

Online Resumes: This may be outside of your scope, but I was wondering if you knew much about the online job boards where you can post your resume?

I have my resume on several of these boards and have applied to probably over 100 jobs in the last year, but I have very rarely gotten a response from any employers other then the automatic response email from the website.

And the only companies (that I didnt apply to) that have contacted me about my posted resume are shady banks/financing/mortgage/insurance companies that I have never heard of that seem like scams.

I wonder if since I am just doing the standard, basic free service I am basically wasting my time and the only way to have your resume submitted to legit companies is to pay for the expensive premium service. I am also wondering if having my resume posted where the shady companies can see it is such a good idea.

I'm usually super careful about online privacy, and the only contact info I have on my resume is name, city, email, phone number-but I still wonder if it could be dangerous.

Monica Hesse: This really is out of my field of experience, alas. We have occasional job-related chats that might be better suited to answer this question.

_______________________

Washington, D.C.: I can't believe no one in your chats has mentioned MetaFilter! It's got insightful roundups of interesting, obscure stories; thoughtful answers in AskMeFi; and the funniest, smartest commenters on the internet.

Why, yes, I am a fan. Pay your $5 to sign up--it's well worth it!

Monica Hesse: Incorrect. The funniest, smartest commenters are on the Washington Post.

(Too much sucking up?)

_______________________

Lincoln, Neb.: Female. I have a love-hate relationship with Facebook. I like that I can keep in touch with old friends (and family--even my mom) through sharing of Facebook photo albums, etc. But I hate that it's replaced getting together with old friends. No one came to my last high school reunion because they keep up with all the people they want to keep up with on Facebook. Where's the real face-to-face contact?

Monica Hesse: Interesting. This is a really divisive issue. Some people might agree that it's replaced getting together with old friend. Some people might say that the friends you found on Facebook aren't people you'd normally socialize with, anyway.

_______________________

Arlington, Va: I'm always scared to check out chicks on the FB as there is that app that shows who has been to your page, time, etc.

The stalking thing you can add.

Monica Hesse: Hahahaha. Is there a Facebook equivalent of the real-life excuse, "Oh, you look just like my neighbor! That's why I was staring."

_______________________

Chicago: Two psychologist friends told me last week that 30% of women who have husbands who look at porn on the internet view that behavior as infidelity. What's the audience here think?

Monica Hesse: Shall we get into this with just 10 minutes left in the chat? We shall.

Audience?

_______________________

Not just guys (again): I look at pics of all my friends, but the pics I look at are different. For girl friends and not-hot guy friends, I look at the funny or meaningful pictures mostly, and I don't linger on them. For the hot guy friends, I look at those as well, but look more at the pictures in which they look cute.

Sorry if this all seems shallow, because it is. It's just these types of social sites bring out the superficial in all of us, and we revert back to the high school yearbook mentality. I don't find it creepy if a friend stalks me like this, nor do I think it means they are actually interested in me. I would find it creepy if a stranger did. I keep my pics "friends-only" and modest.

Monica Hesse: Thanks, this is helpful self-analysis.

_______________________

HS Reunion: I think FB actually helped. It made things easier for the organizers to get out information and round up RSVPs, and allowed us to make plans with our friends. Attendance was high, compared both to our class's past reunions and to other classes' reunions for the same anniversary. It also was easy for everyone to post photos on a central group page, instead of having to bounce from profile to profile to see them all.

Monica Hesse: Here's a vote for the other side. And when you all got together in person, did conversation come easier because of Facebook connections? That would be the "ambient awareness" that social scientists are always saying social networks provide.

_______________________

Washington, DC: Asking how Facebook can cut down on voyeurism is like asking how the Washington Post can cut down on literacy.

Facebook doesn't want to annihilate itself.

Monica Hesse: Uh huh.

_______________________

NCC1701: Star Trek fans will remember that Jeordi LaForge created a holodeck icon of a female physicist to help him solve an engineering problem. I think it had something to do with the ship's thrust.

Monica Hesse: Is "ship's thrust" supposed to sound kinda dirty?

_______________________

Houston, TX: Was I really the only one who selected "unsurprised"? I'm a male, 52 and don't do any on line checking of people on Facebook.

Though, when I pointed out to my son that my daughter had posted something on her wall on Facebook, his response was "time to leave Facebook."

Monica Hesse: Will post the official poll results in a sec. "Unsurprised" is actually the majority opinion.

_______________________

washingtonpost.com: Poll results: Disgusted, 7 percent Unsurprised, 75 percent Wait, we can use them for that, 7 percent I'm doing that right now, 9 percent

washingtonpost.com: Poll results:

Disgusted, 7 percent

Unsurprised, 75 percent

Wait, we can use them for that, 7 percent

I'm doing that right now, 9 percent

Monica Hesse: I applaud the 9% who were able to cruise hot women on Facebook while simultaneously chatting.

_______________________

Anonymous: Urban legend. There is no way of someone seeing that you've looked at their FB page.

Monica Hesse: Can't personally vouch, but we've had chatters before who have sworn they've used this application.

_______________________

Female: Long as he's looking and not touching/meeting up with the women in the p--n, I don't care.

We look with our eyes and not with our hands.

(Further, as long as I'm still getting my action, he's still happy and I'm still happy, why should I care?)

Monica Hesse: One vote for no.

_______________________

Infidelity? Nope.: Some of us just like looking at hot girls and would never cheat on our wives...in fact, one can "recharge the batteries" and use the flashlight at home, y'know?

Monica Hesse: And another, with creative metaphors.

_______________________

Re: Kate Gosselin: I'm just as baffled as she is why the paparazzi is stalking her because I have no clue why anyone give a flying fig about her or John or the plus 8.

Monica Hesse: Have you seen the show? It's...so...goodbad.

_______________________

Facebook Reunions: Where FB has really had an impact is on the paid sites like Classmates.com, which were never particularly good and cost money.

Monica Hesse: Oh, Classmates.

_______________________

Reunion again: "And when you all got together in person, did conversation come easier because of Facebook connections?"

Hard to say. I've found at other (non-HS, non-FB) reunions that there's a kind of camaraderie that leads to conversations with people I didn't really know before. And interactions at the HS one were smooth even with people who weren't on FB. It's difficult to measure because you can't isolate the different factors.

Monica Hesse: True. Thanks for the update, though.

_______________________

State College, PA: I am a Facebook convert. Fought joining until it became clear I was missing out on something. I hate to be left behind. And as a professional communicator (I'm a freelance editor and writer), I felt that I needed to know how folks were using these sites. I have reconnected with so many people that I'd lost track of--it has been a real blessing that way. Also, I work at home so it's sort of my water cooler.

However, my 16-year old cousin has a picture of herself in a bikini as her profile pic. I'm sure her dad would freak if he know, so I think a cousin-to-cousin conversation is in order.

Monica Hesse: If her dad is also in a bikini in his profile picture, please just stay out of it.

It will be interesting to see how your (everyone's) experiences with the site change as it transitions from being a new thing to being the equivalent of the white pages -- just something there for our use.

_______________________

Stalking app: Several of my friends did this. It doesn't give specifics or say what you were looking at, but it indicates who are the most common visitors to one's profile (which, based on my ranking on a friend's page, must have included how often I commented on his status updates).

Monica Hesse: Thanks. I'll try to remember to find the name of this app for next week.

_______________________

Monica Hesse: And speaking of next week, we're out of time. Thanks for stopping by; hope to waste time with you next week.

In the meantime, timewasters and other Internet conundrums can always be sent to hessem@washpost.com.

_______________________

Editor's Note: washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions. washingtonpost.com is not responsible for any content posted by third parties.