LousySpouse.com: Tips for surviving a divorce

Southerlyn Reisig, co-founder of LousySpouse.com, was online Thursday, October 29, at noon ET to offer advice on managing the financial, legal and emotional strain of divorce.

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Southerlyn Reisig: Hello Lousy Spouse Supporters and Friends!

Jane and I are so happy to be here to answer any questions that you may have....and help us all to endure, survive, and prevail...so go ahead, and ask away...we are here for you! xo

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NW, DC: Help! My lousy spouse and I are separating after many years (this weekend). He is moving out. I plan to tell our son -- who is away at college -- in person, prior to him coming home for Thanksgiving. My spouse has declined to make the trip with me to tell him, so I get to be "the villain" and he gets to be the wounded spouse. I'm willing to be the evil haridan, but do you have any suggestions on how to handle the conversation? Any reading material that I can give to my son? I want him to be okay, and I know this is going to be hard on him. I'm really worried. Thanks!

Southerlyn Reisig: Dear NW DC,

Breaking the news is always stressful, no matter what age of your child.

Be honest -- not emotional -- and be reassuring. Even a kid in college wants to know that his parents still love him, that he did not cause the break-up, that the parents weren't sticking together just for him and that he will always have a home.

Encourage him to seek out resources at school, like a counselor, or if he's in a dorm just talking to his RA may be helpful. There could even be a student group with kids going through this very thing. For the littler ones, we have heard of a school group called Banana Splits that helps kids process the family changes.

With so many parents divorcing, there's a good chance that he won't be able to swing a cat without hitting another "child of divorce." Let him tell you what he needs from you. If he says a new ipod, then you know he's going to be fine.

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New York, NY: Should you tell a friend if you know (or suspect) his/her spouse is cheating?

Southerlyn Reisig: Dear New York,

Very good question...

We say, wait until you know FOR SURE, then ask if your friend would want to know if someone knew something about their spouse...

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Alexandria, Va.: How do you maturely handle Lousy's girlfriend interacting with your children?

Southerlyn Reisig: Dear Seeking the High Road,

Learn your court order inside and out. Be sure to provide for her not to be present if this is what you want. Typically Lousys pick lousy girlfriends as well (particularly if that is the one they committed adultery with.) Sadly, you can't usually prevent these unsavory tarts from entering your children's lives. Of course, Lousy is to blame for that.

And if you fear for your child's safety and emotional health, then by all means let that fire fuel your fight. Your children are the most important thing, and need someone to advocate for them, protect them, and make sure their environment is safe, consistent, and healthy.

Obviously this is an issue close to my heart.

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Durham, NC: How could someone be lousy to such a good looking lady?

Southerlyn Reisig: Dear Durham,

Is this my mother by any chance?

Seriously, that is sweet, but a typical trait of Lousys is that they are narcissists and only really think of themselves. They are not really thinking of those they mistreat, but only out to work their own agenda.

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Anonymous: Where does my friend, recently divorced find safe places to meet men? She is in her 50s and has no children. She is highly educated and has very high morals.

Southerlyn Reisig: Dear Friend of 50 and Fabulous,

There are many opportunities to mix it up, and this is really a chance for your friend to start over. Check our Mingling section. Getting involved in local groups, whether at church or temple, is a great place to meet new people. Go to art openings at your local gallery or book readings. Take up a sport or a hobby and you will not only make yourself happy and more interesting, but you will meet folks who are "like minded."

Events that make you happy will broaden your outlook and provide opportunities. Casting a wider net into a new social circle will not only increase the chances of meeting someone special but add new friends to a new life.

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Frustrated in Northern, Va.: I'm not ready for divorce with two pre-schoolers. But now that the baby making is done, my wife is not interested in sex. At all. I get that she's tired, but I work a full day too. I take the kids to school in the morning, she picks them up in the evening. We share the housework, I'm not a slug husband who does nothing around the house.

That said, the truth is that she hasn't initiated sex in two to three years. Sure, she'll say yes a few times a month, but she's a passive participant...Any advice?

Southerlyn Reisig: Dear Frustrated,

Do not give up!! Do not be lousy!! You have too much going for you and your family. Life with babies, especially when they are so young, is not easy, and a real challenge. Your wife is probably exhausted, does not feel good about herself, and stressed with trying to be a good mother. Are you making sure she has time to herself -- to go to the gym, spa, hang out with her friends? She has nothing to give you because she is probably running on empty.

FIND A THERAPIST RIGHT AWAY!! DO NOT DELAY!!! Commit yourself to success, and honoring the promises that you made on your wedding day, and that you made to your children.

Plan a weekend away with her, no kids, just the two of you. PLAN IT NOW!!!

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New York, NY: I suspect my husband may be having an affair, but I'm not sure. Should I confront him? Try to get more information? Hire a private detective?

Southerlyn Reisig: Dear Sneaking Suspicion,

Do not play all your cards at once...Gather as much information as you can...receipts, voice mails, bank statements.

And yes, hire a PI to confirm your suspicion. It is expensive, but worth it to know the truth one way or another.

But for now, continue to play dumb and keep a lookout for the blackberry or iphone messages. As soon as you let on that you suspect something, they will hide more things, change passwords, open new accounts, and you won't be able to get as much info.

Also, make copies of all paperwork, and get it out of the house. Store it at a friend's or your parents' house.

Remember, a cheating Lousy Spouse is not the same person that you fell in love with and married. It is a totally different person, and you must adjust accordingly.

Good luck

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Alexandria, Va.: Congratulations on the successful creation and launch of such a worthwhile, relevant, timely and much needed Web site resource! Were you shocked to find out what an unmet need there was for a Web site like LousySpouse.com? Kudos to you for helping people to have somewhere to turn in such a devastating and frustrating time in one's life. That must be very satisfying to know that you are making a difference in peoples'lives.

Southerlyn Reisig: Dear Supporter,

Thank you for your kind words. Yes, this site was born out of a need that Jane and I found. We both went to the Internet first when confronted with Lousy-ness, and were freaked out by the weird sites out there.

The wedding and pregnancy sites are so pretty, elegant, and teeming with good advice. When you are confronted with such a devastating and unfortunate turn of events, all of a sudden the sites are very sketchy.

We also wanted to be able to use all of the expensive lessons learned to help others and provide the information, background, and platforms that we wish we had had in those early days of shock and confusion.

As we say, we wish that no one ever needed our site, but we are here if you do!!

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Philadelphia, Pa.: What do you consider the proper thing to say to a co-worker in most instances when a divorce is announced: "sorry," "congratulations," or say nothing?

Southerlyn Reisig: Dear Proper in Philly,

One of the nicest things someone said to me was a voice mail on the day of my divorce, congratulating me on closing this chapter. He told me that I had handled such stress with grace and elegance, and he was proud to be my friend. He also said that he knew there were great things ahead for me, and that I am a great mom.

That was really sweet...and totally made me feel great! I saved that voice mail as long as my phone would let me!

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Washington, DC: To all those suffering through the initial stages of separation: getting a divorce can be great. It can give you control of your life back, it can be good for your career, it can be redefining, and it can open up entire new possibilities that were limited due to being married. But it takes easily five to 10 years to really recover, and in the interim watch out for less-than-meaningful so-called transitional relationships. Don't get involved seriously within the first three years and definitely, don't give up your friends, hobbies, and support systems no matter what.

Southerlyn Reisig: Dear Half-full,

Great advice from the trenches. Thanks for sharing. Your optimism is inspiring!!

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Chicago: I don't mean to be disrespectful, but it seems glaringly obvious to me that calling someone a "Lousy," their new girlfriends "tarts" and generally taking a defensive and angry stance is hardly a productive or healthy way to handle divorce. There's nothing wrong with being firm and protective, but you can do so without being angry. What model does it set for your children when you call their father names?

Southerlyn Reisig: Dear Callous in Chicago,

Please share your tips for being holier than thou. If you have ideas or strategies to process deceit, betrayal, and humiliation, please share. There are many Lousy Spouse Survivors who could use the help...

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Washington, DC: How to you handle the religious overtones of divorce? I was raised in a devout Catholic household, where getting a divorce is one step below torture or child molestation in my family's eyes -- and mine, too, given how I was raised. No matter that he drank, gambled, cheated, and was otherwise completely unsatisfactory as a husband. I don't want an annulment because of the children, but the thought of going to Hell if I remarry is terrifying. I can hear other chatters doubling over in laughter as they read this, but it is very real to me.

Southerlyn Reisig: Dear Guilty,

I am Catholic too!! And I thought the very same things. Go right away to see your priest and get some guidance. I did. I can't speak for the Catholic church as a whole, but my priest told me that "God does not put you on the earth to suffer." As far as the annulment process, I am in the middle of it, and the way I understand it, it does not adversely affect your children. But go see for yourself, and ask the priest. Do not suffer in silence! Life is too short!!

Religion is supposed to help you through these rough times, have faith that yours will do that for you.

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Hudson Valley, NY: How do I calculate how much money I would need to live a scaled-down post-divorce life? With so many of us needing two incomes to survive, it seems like it would be financially devastating for both me and my spouse if we were to divorce. After staying with him for so many years for the sake of our child, do I now stay with him for the sake of the retirement account?

Southerlyn Reisig: Dear Hunkering down in Hudson Valley,

We created a worksheet in our financial section to help our readers get a handle on their money situation. Try printing that out and filling in the numbers. Once you get a handle on how much money you are taking in, and how much you are spending, you can better assess your situation.

Confusion and intimidation usually comes from not having the facts straight. Start putting the facts together, and you will start to feel more in control.

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AFRAID TO SAY, USA: I had a five-year marriage (no children) in which I bought her car and paid her bills, family gifts, long distance phone, etc. (She never worked). At about year three, she made up religious fights and screamed and hit me and called the cops and blamed me. (I defended myself.) When divorced, she took the car and I paid nine months more rent and bills, because i feared her aggressively, publicly bad-mouthing me as a penalty. We don't speak. Was I a wussy? Or was I as smart as possible?

Southerlyn Reisig: Dear Afraid,

Sounds to me like you did the right thing to keep her appeased, and to get away from her. Just let it go, and put that messy chapter behind you. We all make mistakes, and can make bad judgements about others.

Don't beat yourself up, build up your confidence, get some counseling and find a nice new girlfriend.

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Peoria, Ill.: I told my husband of six years that I want to split. We have a 4-year-old. Both of our families live hours away. My family is aware of the situation; he will not tell his family. I don't feel it is my place to do so, but with the holidays coming up, I don't know what to do. Any suggestions about how to respond to phone calls/e-mails about when we will be available for holiday meals, etc.?

Southerlyn Reisig: Dear Peeved in Peoria,

Just let him deal with his own family in his own way. If you need to respond to them, then do, but let him break the news. Hopefully, you will be able to maintain a dignified relationship with the in-laws, and sometimes saying less is more.

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WDC: What do you do when the Lousy spouse in the couple is your brother? He's intent on punishing me for being friends with his ex. I've known her 30+ years.

Southerlyn Reisig: Dear Brotherly Love,

If my brother were lousy, I would be first to tell him, and yes, I would not turn my back on his lovely wife.

Just continue your friendship with her if that is what you want. He can just deal.

Be sure he knows you love him and yadda yadda, but you have your convictions too.

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Colorado Springs: So, are women ever Lousy, or is this the exclusive domain of men?

Southerlyn Reisig: Dear Colorado,

Absolutely! Anyone can be lousy!! It is not a gender-specific quality!

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Philadelphia, Pa.: What advice would you have for someone whose spouse's marital infidelities are a matter of public news? How can one best cope the stares and inappropriate questions when out in public?

Southerlyn Reisig: Dear Philly,

This one is tough. Just keep your head up, and go on with your life. Work hard, take care of your family and do the best you can.

If you are a public couple, then I think you have to keep your personal life private.

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Anonymous: I have been a divorce lawyer for almost 30 years. Here's the one piece of advice that if every party to a divorce followed I would be out of business: Love your kids enough to act with dignity and treat the other parent with respect. The only exception is in cases of abuse. You still have to act with dignity but you can leave off the respect part.

Southerlyn Reisig: Dear Sage and Seasoned Lawyer,

Thank you for this great and important advice. I could not agree more.

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Bringing up sex: How do I talk to my husband about having sex more often. He's on antidepressants and NEVER in the mood. I've tried to initiate sex and actually get turned down. Besides this really hurting my feelings, it makes me feel like I'm not desired or wanted. We're lucky if we have sex once every couple weeks. He's talked to his doctor about it, but she hasn't changed his meds. I'm not sure how many more times I can keep getting rejected.

Southerlyn Reisig: Dear Shy,

I would suggest finding a couple's therapist. I think this is a pretty big red flag that the relationship is not working. Is he having sex somewhere else and with someone else??

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D.C.: I look forward to exploring your site! Any advice for dealing with an ex who has basically ditched his parenting responsibilities? We separated when our 4-year-old was a young toddler. His work requires him to be gone for weeks and months at time, making visitation rare. Our legal agreement entitles him to a few weeks a year and visits when he is in town. Our daughter is starting to show signs of distress at his very unpredictable visits/webcam/phone calls. Not to mention I haven't had a life in three years because I'm a 24/7 parent. Meanwhile, he finds time for travel, relationships and does basically whatever he wants. Appeals to him about re-prioritizing for our daughter have not worked and our formerly civil-amicable co-parenting is gone because of his choices.

Southerlyn Reisig: Dear Juggling It All,

Good for you for taking such good care of your child! I would suggest finding a therapist for your daughter to make sure she is processing and handling things well. And as far as taking care of you, maybe find some babysitters, or friends who can help with child care.

Life may be simpler for you without the turbulence of his unpredictibility.

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Washington, DC: How do you support a friend who is the one doing the leaving?

Southerlyn Reisig: Dear Friend in Need,

You can just be there for him or her. Hopefully he or she is not being hurtful. If so, you must speak up if you see injustice.

Sometimes we don't agree with our friends. Sometimes you can move past it. Sometimes not.

Trust your gut, and remember that friendship is one of the great treasures of humanity.

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Interesting: I've been through it all: weddings, births, deaths, unemployment, airline food, disasters and life itself. And there's help and advice aplenty but really, I find that divorce is the loneliest, most alienating, most traumatic and affecting of experiences. I especially hate the spouse-bashing -- deserved or not -- that accompanies the process. It seems divorce is the only "common" life experience that still produces "shame." Why?

Southerlyn Reisig: Dear Saddened by Shame,

I hear ya! That is why we created this site, to make those who are going through this indescribable nightmare feel less alone, and more like the same wonderful person that they were before this happened.

Sharing funny stories, sad tales, words of encouragement are all a part of the process.

Being exposed to a dark side of human nature is sad indeed, and certainly can rob one of innnocence and hope without the proper support systems. We hope our site can help others to process and feel good about themselves, while handling all the complex legal and business issues that accompany a divorce.

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In the Suburbs: Hi. I'm just wondering, how do divorced people with young kids even manage to date? I've got a toddler. My lousy spouse and I are divorcing because he had an affair and has a child with the other woman. Since he's splitting his time between two households, I have virtually no time to myself. Friends are asking me when I'm going to date again, but I can't see how I'll even manage it until my kid is much older. Any thoughts? I'm not thrilled about the idea of being alone for years.

Southerlyn Reisig: Dear Busy Mommy,

Save your money for a babysitter and just know that your social life will be a little pricey for a while. Ask those friends that are bugging you about when you are going to date to help babysit, and set you up with some eligible bachelors!!! Don't take this sitting down -- get out there girl!!

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Columbus, Ga.: Have you had to divide friends as you've separated your assets? That is to say, are there people from your relationship as a couple that you miss that protocol would say you can no longer associate with?

Southerlyn Reisig: Dear Confused in Columbus,

A tricky aspect indeed! Undoubtedly your Christmas card list will be a bit shorter. Give the situation time to work itself out. Some friends will be loyal to you and will continue to reach out to you. Others will just slip away. Again, it takes time, and no one is really sure how to handle it. It is awkward for you and for your friends. A two-way street.

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Southerlyn Reisig: Dear Readers,

Thank you so much for all of your great questions. They were revealing and riveting.

We hope that our site helps those who may need it to endure, survive and prevail.

xo,

Jane and Ellen

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