John Kelly's Washington: Tiber Creek, lame ankles, leaf season, Oreo-dunking inventor

Post Metro columnist John Kelly was online Friday, Nov. 6, at Noon ET to chat about the people and stories that don't make the front pages, plus his latest columns.

Today: The long-lost Tiber Creek, the heartbreak of weak ankles, the dreams of a local inventor and anything else that's on your mind.

A transcript follows.

Discussion Archives/ Recent Columns

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John Kelly: Last night a great oversight was corrected: I was invited to the Irish Embassy. Can you believe that as long as I've lived here, as long as I've worked at The Post, as long as I've had the name I have (John Francis Peter Kelly, if you want the whole thing, though the "Peter" wasn't added till I was confirmed) I was NEVER invited to the Irish Embassy?

In fact I'm hardly ever invited to ANY embassies. I used to get invited to the Bastille Day fete at the French Embassy (nice, but a mob scene) and the Japanese had me and a few hundred other people over (better food even than the French). Oh, I guess I've been to the Swiss Embassy too. They give guests a gift bag. I always expect to find a Rolex in it and am always disappointed. (Nice chocolate, though.)

Back when I was a freelance writer I did a story about the teeny-tiny embassies, the diplomatic staffs that occupy a single office in a K Street high-rise: Palau, Micronesia, etc. I figured THEY would invite me to something. I mean, how many people are on THEIR guest lists?

Nope.

Perhaps last night means the tide is turning. The occasion was a reading by novelist Joseph O'Neill, whose book

"Netherland"

wowed critics and won the PEN/Faulkner Award. I met Mr. O'Neill who, aggravatingly, is a wonderful writer, an engaging speaker and a handsome guy. You want to slug him.

There was Guinness on hand, though I noticed all the embassy staff were drinking orange juice. Don't want to create an international incident, I guess. I loved the accents, especially when the ambassador, Michael Collins, introduced O'Neill: "Joseph, you're very very welcome indeed."

The book is great, by the way. I just finished it today. I have a signed copy.

Here was my excitement

this morning.

The shooting at Fort Hood was just awful. The stories that are coming out paint the alleged shooter as a seriously disturbed person, a psychiatrist who wasn't able to recognize troubling symptoms in himself. As if our soldiers haven't been through enough....

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Need Guidance: John, I've got a friend coming for a visit today. I don't drive and I'm trying to give him directions. Here's my question; Driving north on Hwy 1/Jeff Davis Hwy/Patrick St in Alexandria, can you turn left onto Duke St? Thanks!

John Kelly: Any cab drivers out there know the answer to this?

(Even if you can't turn left on Duke, can't you just make the next left turn left again? Or something?)

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Bethesda, Md.: John, Mr. Kevlessar has a 3-year-old, so I'm thinking he might also have a wife. If so, how does she feel about his investing their life savings, including their retirement accounts, into the oreo dunker? I know how I'd feel -- instant divorce! I mean, sure, a 3 3 year old has trouble dunking cookies, but is using the dunker any easier? While I wish him well, this seems to me to fall into the "don't invest any money you can't afford to lose" category. I certainly don't plan to buy one and can't imagine anyone who would, especially after the initial novelty wears off.

washingtonpost.com: If necessity is the mother of invention, meet its inner child (Post, Nov. 5)

John Kelly: As far as I know, he doesn't have a 3-year-old. It was his NIECE who inspired him to invent the cookie dipper.

I think the key for him will be trying to grab that novelty factor, or to get Oreo to buy a bunch in bulk and make them a premium. (But two packs of Oreos, get a free Sip & Dip.) And really, do you mean to tell me that EVERYTHING you own is a necessity?

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Clifton, Va.: Do runners ever learn? There are fools in my neighborhood who run at 5:30am in all black and dark gray ninja running gear.

Not only do I have to watch for these ninja fools running in the street and not on the sidewalk but the deer.

This morning I rolled alongside one and nicely said I could see him in his all black ninja running outfit and all I got was the finger and the f word. I did run over his foot after his warm greeting with my BMW M6.

John Kelly: Now, now, we don't fight rudeness with rudeness. And picking toenails out of your Beemer's runflats is no fun.

But, yes, there are some idiots out there. I'm seeing more bicyclists these days--well, not always "seeing," since many don't have any lights. You get a ticket for that in England, and rightly so. Get a freakin' light!

My Lovely Wife has even bought a flashing dog collar. No, nothing kinky. It's for our dog. It's getting dark when we walk him at night, and as he's black he's hard to see. She also got me a light to clip on my briefcase when I walk from the Metro.

Oh, another bad idea: Jogging or biking with an earbud in each year.

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Oakland, Md.: Greetings from Garrett Co., where the article about the family stunned by the arrival of an unknown possible heir to a deceased family member's estate led to an interesting discussion. Folks, there's a moral here: the man has been dead for 13 years! Even if the claimant turns out not to be related, that family will have legal problems up the hoo-haa because of that delay. To those in similar situations, don't want for an unknown claimant to show up before taking action. Had they settled matters promptly, regardless of the claim's validity, they would now be enjoying their inheritance w/out having to deal with all of these problems.

John Kelly: I know. I can't wait to hear how the story ends. If it turns out her DNA doesn't match the guy's, that'll really be interesting. Probate is a pain (I watched my father do his mother's and his brother's) but it doesn't get any better by ignoring it.

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washingtonpost.com: Raising the dead to resolve a Md. family's bitter feud (Post, Nov. 6)

John Kelly: The moral: File your paperwork early. Also: Don't have illegitimate children that you don't acknowledge.

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WDC: No offense, but I wish there was a business chat on today - I hardly know what to make of these new unemployment numbers.

I work in the legal field. A friend of mine has been out of work, except for one temp spot, since February. On Tuesday we found out that another large firm was going through its SECOND round of layoffs this year.

What in God's name are people supposed to do?? Not pay their bills?

John Kelly: Tell me about it. A certain woman I know has been looking for a legal job for months. (She finally found something only this week.)

I guess the first thing is to economize wherever you can. How are people doing this?

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Washington, DC: John, the reason Your Lovely Wife may have insisted you personally carry your gifts to England may be that the US Post Office no longer permits you to send these by surface mail, so she was trying to spare your bank account a major hit. I have grandchildren in London and used to regularly send them books and nice wooden toys. Now they get gift cards. When the postage is 3 times the cost of the gift, it's time to make other arrangements.

John Kelly: Yes, that's exactly why. We have family in England and the air mail costs were astronomical. Sometimes, when we'd waited too long, we'd end up using FedEx. It was like 100 bucks to send $20 worth of presents.

And the presents she bought for me to carry over there were relatively lightweight. I was just looking for someone to blame.

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Reston, Va.: John, I read about the Oreo-dunking guy with a mixture of sadness and alarm. I realize that stupid fads often briefly catch on and make money, and I hope he at least gets his investment back, but seriously! Just a little more crap to go in the landfills. I guess I was just having a bad day.

John Kelly: I don't think you need to be sad. He's a high-energy guy with a ton of ideas. You never know what might hit. (One of his heroes is the guy who brought the Bratz dolls to market. Who woulda thunk a slutty, macrocephalic doll would make such a splash?) I had a call from a reader who wanted to know how she could order some Sip & Dips for her grandchildren. That might be the market: grandparents. We'll have to wait and see.

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State of Confusion & Reality: John,

I have my oreo's and waiting for chat to begin. I also didn't have to sit in traffic to join chat.

I think its a strange coincidence that the Monkey County traffic computer failed Wednesday morning at the same time as the computer at the WMATA HQ computer did. . . think both agencies got the same Radio Shack computer?

Also, this is the last chat before the DC sniper meets his fate. As someone who was a co-worker of his last victim (Conrad Johnson) the Ride-On operator, I would just like to give a quote from a 70's TV show:

Goodnight, Johnboy !!

John Kelly: I guess that's a better '70s quote than "Dyn-o-mite!"

I find the execution interesting. I'm not sure what I think about the death penalty. I think I'm sort of for it, though it sickens me to think of an innocent person being put to death. But this guy is obviously not innocent. Am I wrong or is this the first execution of a local guy in a long time?

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Silver Spring, Md.: Michael Collins is a rather good name for an Irish ambassador, don't you think?

John Kelly: Isn't it?

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Cleveland Park, D.C.: You know what else is a bad idea? Riding a bike without a helmet. Even worse is riding while your helmet dangles on your handlebars. I can't figure out the logic behind that one.

As for oreo dunkers, they seems incredibly out of step with the mood of the country. I feel sorry for this guy.

John Kelly: I saw a young lady riding her bike the other evening on 16th Street with her helmet on but not buckled. It sat atop her head loosely. Why even bother? It was like she wanted to be able to tell her mom, "Yes, Mom, I have my helmet on!"

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All in the name of security: John, earlier this week there was an article where a 90-year-old Virginia woman who recently moved to the area gave up on her attempt to register to vote after being unable to get the paperwork through. This morning is a column about the problems women have when they change their names and try to get it changed at the Virginia DMV.

I work for a small government agency and we were recently notified that when we must exchange our photo ID for a new one, we must take the expiring badge, a form prepared in-house and another form of ID like a driver's license, passport, Social Seucrity card, etc.

You get fingerprinted your first week on the job. They ALREADY have your photo on the expiring ID. It should look like you except that you have probably added some gray hair and a few pounds.

This is insane. If they ever doubted who you really are, they have your fingerprints and know where you work. They can find you anytime they want. So why do you have to submit another form of ID every few years?

This is insane, John. Make it stop.

washingtonpost.com: Petula Dvorak: Where married women feel like collateral damage (Post, Nov. 6)

John Kelly: Last night Joseph O'Neill read a very funny excerpt from "Netherland" in which the character, a Dutchman working in New York, goes to get his learners permit at the NYC DMV. I have a feeling it's exactly what happened to O'Neill himself, the sort of petty bureaucracy that is soul-crushing.

Yesterday I had to get a new ID at the Library of Congress. (You can use the numbers on the new cards to reserve items from home, a great time-saver.) Luckily, all they had to do was take a quick photo and print out a new card. I didn't get to keep my old one, though. And there was a sign up that people couldn't get cards just as souvenirs, something that apparently happens. ("Hey, Pa, I got a panda T-shirt. Can I go get a Library of Congress readers card to show the folks back home?")

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Tiber Creek: I had no idea that Tiber Creek was an actual creek! I always thought it was just the name of a bar near Union Station. I'm not sure if it's still there as I moved away a few years ago, but I still have the horrible memory of being there for dinner and a drunk stranger throwing up on my head (I was seated at a table and he was standing next to me).

John Kelly: Wow. Baptism by vomit. I hope he bought you dinner and paid for your dry-cleaning.

Yes, there was a Tiber, and still is, in a way: a subterranean creek/sewer. Answer Man received even more info from readers after Sunday's column ran. But what many people call the Tiber may not actually be the Tiber. That is, whenever a basement floods downtown or some extra pilings have to be put in, people say it's the Tiber. It may be other creeks that once ran in the area.

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Alexandria, Va.: Yes, you can make a left on Duke from Patrick St. (Route 1). It's just past the point where Route 1 splits, so it's a good place to turn because there is no oncoming traffic.

John Kelly: Great. Thanks. We're better then GPS!

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Pentagon, DC: John,

DOD is always looking for lawyers. Have your friend try the various military branches and the Office of the Secretary of Defense Office of the General Counsel. They are looking for all specialties. Pay isn't what an associate makes in DC but they only work a 37.5 hr week.

John Kelly: Thanks for the tip.

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Next time that ankle goes...: get thee to a good chiropractor. My sister, who like you has an old sprain that acts up, slipped on wet leaves Saturday morning and couldn't walk. A niece who is a chiropractor adjusted it on Sunday evening and the swelling, throbbing and pain practically disappeared overnight. The ankle is still wobbly but at least its owner can go to work.

John Kelly: I did four weeks with a physical therapist--eight if you count the time I spent after the May sprain. I have a big rubber band and a list of exercises I'm supposed to do at home. Now if I would only do them. Oh, and I wear a brace on that ankle now. The hope is I can avoid the next step, which might be surgery.

I confess I have a natural suspicion of chiropractors. I'm sure they do some things well, but I just don't buy into that "adjustment" stuff, where they can supposedly fix all sorts of things. It comes dangerously close in my mind to homeopathy. Speaking of which,

here is a great YouTube clip

that imagines what a hospital emergency room would be like if run by homeopaths. (It's by a brilliant comedy duo called Mitchell & Webb.)

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Richmond, Va.: In defense of the ninja runners, I too run in all black at night. I am a female and prefer not to be seen for safety reasons. However, I can see a car coming from a mile away and hop onto curbs, etc., when they come by. If there are runners in the cars' paths, then, yes, shame on them.

On my bike, however, I am as colorful as a peacock during mating season. And I have strobe-like lights for added safety. Dorky but effective.

And no ear buds in either case so I can hear what I can't see.

Safety first, people!

John Kelly: Fascinating. I never thought of that. You don't want to be seen because you're concerned that somebody might jump you? I guess you have to balance the various dangers: assault versus collision.

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Ankles: A year ago, I slipped on some ice. I didn't think much of it at the time, but early the next morning I awoke to excruciating pain. A trip to the emergency room showed that I had fractured the distal ends of both the tibia and fibula of my left leg. I was in a soft cast for about a month.

Then, this past May, I had a seizure (I had one when I was younger, but not for 40 some years). I apparently clamped my left leg to the ground and spun around, rebreaking the fractures and almost tearing my left foot off (it hurts to even think about it). My foot was reattached with metal plates and screws (nice Frankensteinesque scars on each side)and again I was in a cast for a month.

The doctors at Winchester hospital are great.

John Kelly: Youch. I had never really given much thought to my feet/ankles/legs. I sort of took them for granted. I can do that less and less the older I get. I tell ya, aging is a bee-yatch.

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a psychiatrist who wasn't able to recognize troubling symptoms in himself: Not uncommon. There is a reason why some are attracted to the profession.

John Kelly: I guess it's sort of like how anesthesiologists sometimes get addicted to the stuff they administer.

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Mother of invention: As a descendant of Clarence Birdseye, the guy who invented the frozen food process, I say kudos to SipNDipper. Good old Yankee ingenuity. If this doesn't catch on, something else will. It's nice to see inventions that aren't tied to an iSomething.

I also had a question about Brit Slang. Sharon Osborne recently said that someone was "hit with an ugly stick." (cleaned-up version). Are ugly sticks common in Blighty? I thought they were invented in rural America.

John Kelly: Do you mean is the expression "Hit with an ugly stick" common in Britain or are ugly people common in Britain? I would say the distribution of ugly people in the UK is similar to hear. YEs, there are some unique issues involving teeth.

As for the expression, who can forget Ian Dury's

"Hit Me With Your Rhythm Stick"

? Perhaps the ugly stick is related to that.

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Las Cruces, NM: Sir,

As the guru of radical civility, do you have a response to the recent contretemps in the WaPo's newsroom?

Back in the day two adult men could have an altercation in which a punch was thrown and it wouldn't lead to greater violence or a court date.

Is it possible that your perception of greater rudeness in our society is related to the fact that boorish people have nothing to fear as a consequence?

I'm old enough to remember, for instance, that at one time using profanity in public around young children might result in a father physically "teaching you a lesson."

Perhaps we should give adult men "one free punch" in the same way dogs get "one free bite"?

Que no?

John Kelly: I wasn't a witness to the contretemps so I'm not qualified to say anything beyond: In general I don't think people should go around hitting other people.

But your question about consequences is a good one. Yes, I think that's true. I don't think it necessarily has any bearing on this event, but I'm certain it does in the slow degradation of everyday civility that we've seen. My wife is one of those people who tells kids not to play on escalators. This occasionally gets her dirty looks from said kids' parents, who think she is passing some editorial judgment on their parental skills. ("How dare she tell my kids not to play on the escalator?") Which of course it is.

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I confess I have a natural suspicion of chiropractors. : Well, you wouldn't go to one for strep throat or a broken arm, but a joint that has gone out of whack? That's what they're perfect for.

John Kelly: Yeah, that's fine. As long as they don't try to adjust my humours or my yellow bile.

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Silver Spring, Md.: Speaking of ID renewals -- I just renewed my passport. I sent the old one and the application to the processing center in Philadelphia, whence it returned remarkably quickly. A couple days later, my old one came back -- from Portsmouth, New Hampshire! Do you suppose that's where they sent it to collect my travel history?

John Kelly: Interesting. It seems like you ought to get some frequent flyer miles for that.

I'm about to renew my passport so I'm glad to hear it's relatively pain-free.

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Cleveland Park, Washington, DC: If Father Clifford is correct, then I'd like to know what it was that caused Gonzaga's gym to flood. A good hard rain would put the gym under two to three feet of water. You'd figure someone would know what was causing it.

One thing the Tiber Creek gave us was the name for an excellent pub where they used to serve yards of beer. Great place, that.

John Kelly: He never said there wasn't a creek down there, just that it wasn't the Tiber, or at least not the main route of the Tiber, which was much closer to the Capitol. Much of Washington was spiderwebbed with little creeks and streams.

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Clifton, Va.: Back about five years ago at our weekly herding lesson my friend came out with her new Pembroke Welsh Corgi pup. She was all of 8 weeks old. We were in the big field and a bird of prey was circling overhead. Her daughter was working their older Corgi boy. I told my rough collie boy that he might have to do his Lassie imitation if the bird decided the pup looked like a good meal. She was small enough. He kept his eye on the bird and on her. During his lesson he would look up to see where the bird was which gave the sheep a chance to run off and escape.

John Kelly: It was definitely cool witnessing this split-second of thwarted aggression. Once when I was in Cambridge, Mass., I saw a hawk sitting on a gate slowly ripping apart an unfortunate animal that was in its claws. It was very cool. Aren't there eagles (golden eagles?) that can pick up goats and sheep?

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Bethesda, Md.: John,

I need to vent, and Dr. Gridlock keeps ignoring me, perhaps this qualifies as a metro issue as well. What's up with Maryland stripping all the asphalt off of roads and then not re-paving them? I mean, this doesn't seem to be a problem in VA where I live. But, goodness, they stripped Bradley Blvd in Bethesda almost a -month- ago and still haven't repaved it.

It's dangerous, it does a number on my shocks, alignment, tires, suspension, etc., and it's just plain mind-boggling. What's taking so long to get this re-paved? I drive a Honda Civic to work, not a Rally Car.

John Kelly: I wonder if it's a weather thing. Do they have to wait for a certain temperature or a lack of rain?

In general, I think our roads are pretty abysmal around here. I was driving somewhere in Maryland the other night--East-West Highway, I believe--and it was pothole after pothole, and not only that but there were swales and ridges and washboards. They might have come from the weight of buses. I hope the contractor had to give some of the money back. I mean how hard is it to build a road that lasts? The Romans were able to do it.

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re: visibility: There's one neighborhood I sometimes drive through that's gotten so bad, with non-reflective unlit people jogging or biking in the streets, that I'm afraid to text while driving through it!

John Kelly: Ha! Did you see that story about the GWU frat boys who aren't going to get the swine flu shot? One of them said something about how he already does dangerous stuff, like texting while driving. Thanks, dude.

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Bad ankle: In one hour I go for my second appointment with a PT to try to fix my ankle. I sprained it back in July, but it turns out that ignoring the pain and continuing to run and bike isn't such a great idea. Now they have to "retraumatize" the ankle before I can start in with the big rubber band routine. My legs are like those of a race horse (only not fast, unfortunately)--skinny little ankles and massive muscular thighs. This particular ankle has given out on me at regular intervals since I was nine years old.

I blame my mother, who has similar ankle problems and confines her hobbies to cross stitch and singing so as not to cause further problems. I also blame the friend who convince me to sign up for a triathlon, the Girl Scouts (they make me hike and camp, further irritating my bad ankle), and my husband who should read my mind and carry around the laundry baskets so I don't have to.

John Kelly: Welcome to the club! And good luck. My PT consisted of a lot of balance work. I did some strengthening of muscles but the main goal was to sort of train the brain to kick in when things go wonky, saving the body from a fall. The thing is, I never sprain my ankle doing something like jogging or hiking. It's just run of the mill walking that's worst.

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Inheritance feud: I think that "Patsy" should be ashamed of herself. She did not think it necessary to try and have a relationship with the man (who may or may not have been a good guy). She wasn't around when he died. Didn't try to know the family. She just wanted money. She's greedy. And is acting abominably. I have no sympathy for her. I hope she loses.

Related to this: FOLKS! GET A WILL! Geez.

John Kelly: On the other hand, her alleged father made no attempt to get to know her. He may have been convinced she was not his daughter, but that could have been cleared up before he died.

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Washington, after London: 'When the postage is 3 times the cost of the gift, it's time to make other arrangements.' Both Abebooks and Amazon have U.K. sites, so I use those when I'm sending gifts to friends and family back home. Yes, there still are the exchange fees, but those are much less hassle than having to deal with two different postal systems, neither of which is, perhaps, as ideal as one might wish.

John Kelly: All true, but when little kiddies want uniquely American gifts, you sometimes have to resort to that. Sports jerseys, for example. A Washington Nationals shirt is not something you're going to find on AmazonUK.

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Clifton, Va.: I work for the largest govt agency DOD and no we don't have to present a second ID when our two badges expire. We have a CAC card and a building ID. Now we were supposed to move to one ID but DOD and its contractors can't figure out how to this. So next month Dec 2009 approx 70% of DOD building IDS expire because that is when we were supposed to get the shiny new all in one ID. Instead we ill all face log lines in Dec for new building passes because of the number of folks needing new IDs and folks being off for the holidays.

John Kelly: I guess we're a long way from those retinal and fingerprint scanners you see in all the "Mission: Impossible" movies.

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Winchester, Va.: Re bicycle helmets: First of all, I'd never ride my bike in urban traffic anyway, but if I did I'd wear a helmet there. But anywhere else (suburban sidewalks, country lanes, paths, etc.) I will not do it. I realize anything can happen anytime and anywhere, but why not just wear helmets and body armor anytime we walk out our front doors...or down the basement steps, for that matter?

John Kelly: True, but you're usually not surrounded by automobiles when you're walking down the basement steps.

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Silver Spring, Md.: So John, did you hear about the U2 concert to celebrate the fall of the Berlin Wall? MTV built a wall around the venue to keep people out!

John Kelly: They should have just had Pink Floyd open, building a wall in the process.

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John Kelly: That's all for today folks. Thanks for stopping by. I'm gonna grab me some lunch, then it's over to the Library of Congress to use my shiny new readers card. Enjoy your weekend. And be kind to those ankles.

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CSI-Alexandria: Do they have to dig up the long-dead maybe Dad? Shouldn't there be common DNA between siblings?

John Kelly: Good question. But it's so much fun digging up Dad.

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Tiber Creek: Don't know if you found this in your research. There used to be (haven't gone that way recently) near one of the on-ramps to the TR Bridge a structure resembling a raised manhole with a plaque on it noting that the vestiges of Tiber Creek could be seen beneath.

John Kelly: I'll have to take a look. Thanks!

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