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Transcript: Wed., Oct. 6 at noon ET

On Love: Single women and their dating adventures

Ridin' solo: Michelle Cove directed the movie
Ridin' solo: Michelle Cove directed the movie "Seeking Happily Ever After." (Courtesy of Michelle Cove)
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Michelle Cove
Washington Post Staff Writer and Director, "Seeking Happily Ever After"
Wednesday, October 6, 2010; 12:00 PM

Is today's single, 30-something woman too career-driven to find true love? Author and filmmaker Michelle Cove explores this topic in her new documentary film and book. Today, she'll join The Washington Post's Ellen McCarthy to discuss this topic and answer your questions.

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The Post's Ellen McCarthy writes about weddings and relationships in Sunday's Arts & Style OnLove section.

Cove has been writing and editing for national magazines for the past 15 years, including Psychology Today, Mother Earth News, Girls' Life and Family Fun. She is a regular columnist for singlemindedwomen.com and author of "Seeking Happily Ever After," a self-help book on navigating the ups and down of being single without losing your mind (Tarcher/Penguin 2010), that was derived from her documentary film of the same name.

Read: Single women, their dating adventures are subjects of new documentary, book (Post, Oct. 3).

For more marital and relationship advice and to see how other couples have gotten to the altar, visit our On Love section.

The transcript follows.


Ellen McCarthy: Hey everyone. Thanks for joining us this lunch hour Wednesday! I'm so excited to have Michelle Cove with us today. She spent three years immersing herself in the lives and psyches of single women around America. The result is a documentary featuring women really speaking honestly about the pros and cons of single life. Cove also culled her insights into a new book, "Seeking Happily Ever After." She's about to launch on a busy tour promoting both, so we appreciate her taking time with us today.

Let's roll. All questions, comments, haiku poetry welcome.


Anonymous: What about those of us over 65 women who seek companionship and, yes, romance in our later years?

Michelle Cove: Thank you for writing! This idea of "happily ever after" and defining it on our own terms affects ALL of us, of every age. It's still a question of looking inward at what you want for yourself, at any age, in spite of what society tells you that you should want.


washingtonpost.com: Read Ellen's story on Michelle from last Sunday's Arts & Style section: Single women, their dating adventures are subjects of new documentary, book (Post, Oct. 3)


Soon-to-be-divorced: As someone who felt the pressure to be married and have a family and "the dream," who is now about to be divorced with no children at 40, I can say marriage is not for everyone (unfortunately, my husband didn't realize that before marrying me). We should stop trying to force women, men, etc. to conform to this religious ideal.

The best and longest relationships among my friends are not the married people, it's the folks who have committed to being together and then done it, straight and gay/lesbian.

Ellen McCarthy: Thank you for sharing this. I'm wondering if you feel he was the wrong guy or if it's the institution itself that was problematic for you. Can you see yourself ever marrying again?


Silver Spring, Md.: I don't need a relationship in my life to feel complete. Call me crazy but I have enough things on my plate -- work, hobbies, friends, etc., that if the shoe fits so be it. Personally, I'm plenty fulfilled in my life, INDEPENDENT of any outside influence.

As to the ring question, never been something I've pursued. Who needs a ring/dog and pony show that is marriage to show commitment?

Michelle Cove: I'm not calling you crazy, that's for sure. In my book Seeking Happily Ever After, I have a type I define as "The Trailblazer." This is a woman who wants to carve out a new path, rather than go the conventional married-with-kids route, and there are MANY women who fall into this category. The key is to not feel defensive or apologetic about it, and it sounds like you are neither so enjoy.


Rockville, Md.: Did you find that many women in their dating adventures are accepting dates from men that they are not exactly physically attracted to at that time? I tried going on several dates where I was 60 to 70 percent attracted to the men, hoping witty conversation or some attribute would push them to a higher percentage. I'm still looking.

Also, except for friends, speed dating and happy hours, where can we meet men? These options are not very fruitful.


Michelle Cove: I think you can tell if it's an immediate NO WAY, NO ATTRACTION pretty soon on a date. But many women have told me they are not sure about the attraction, and it takes a few dates to decide. I always recommend three dates if you're not sure, so you can get past the "nerves" of the first two. If you still don't want to kiss him after three dates, it's probably not going to happen. To meet men, I suggest going places you'd want to go anyway (hiking, a class, a wine tasting event), somewhere you will have fun regardless if Mr. Right is there or not.


Washington D.C.: Will you have any other screenings of the movie in DC other than October 27th?

I have good friends, plenty of hobbies and interests, so my life is pretty full and I don't sit around and wait for a guy. But at the end of the day, my life would be even fuller if I had a man to share all of my successes/frustrations with.

Michelle Cove: Yes, we have screenings set up in New York and Boston, and are working on more. If you go to www.seekinghappilyeverafter.com and go to the Updates page, you'll find more out about our screenings.

I hear you about wanting to share your life with someone, and keep looking, but also remember to give yourself a lot of credit for creating such a rich life for yourself. No reason to sit around and wait, as you say!


Single apartheid: I'm a single woman, 41 years old, would love to be married w/kids, but haven't found him yet so I'm happily dating. Another single woman friend coined this term "Single Apartheid." Single apartheid is when we singles are excluded from the married folks lives. The degree experienced really depends on your friends and your relations with them. I personally don't have it so bad. However, I do find that you married women can be insecure with your man around hot single women like me (lol). Maybe that's why one of my oldest male friends and I rarely talk since his marriage two years ago. It's really too bad some people can't make the transition from single to married w/o losing us singles. Can you speak on that? I know the good ones are hard to find, but must we be left out?

Michelle Cove: I did talk to a lot of women who said that they either 1) felt excluded by married friends, or 2) felt that were seen as fixer-upper projects by their friends (the project being to marry them off). I really encourage single women to tell their friends how they feel directly and let them know what they want from them. For example, the answer might be, "I know you and your husband love spending time together and that's great. I'm wondering if we might plan a one-on-one get together, though, just the two of us. I'd love to spend time with you!" This is a better approach then accusing the friend of excluding you or harboring resentment.


Rapid City, South Dakota: No one asks this question about men. I don't see that the career/marriage conflict is different for women, though the career/child-raising issue probably is. If you ask single women what's keeping them from being married, they wouldn't say it's their career, they'd say it's the scarcity of men with whom they want to pair up their futures. Men need to step it up big time.

Ellen McCarthy: Thanks for chiming in.


Falls Church, Va.: Just a comment from a guy who's been married a couple times and no kids. Career women and families and marriage don't mix. A guy will stay with a woman who puts the kids above him. But a guy isn't going to stay with a woman who puts her career above him and her kids. It's just too lonely. I"m not particularly religious, just experienced. If you want to keep a marriage together -- don't ever put anything above your husband. A career won't keep you warm at night or pour you coffee in the morning or toast the end of the day together while you watch the evening news.

Ellen McCarthy: Thanks for your response. I'm wondering if you feel this is true of men, too? That men who put careers above their wives and families risk losing them?


Washington, D.C.: I loved the article and look forward to seeing the documentary. I am 39 years old and single. I am torn between being proactive about finding a soul mate and letting the universe do the work for me. On one hand, I feel like if he hasn't crossed my path yet, maybe I should try outlets like on-line dating to find him. But, on the other hand, I feel like maybe this is pushing the hands of fate. Please let me know your thoughts. Thanks!

Michelle Cove: Thank you so much. I don't meant to shamelessly promote, but I wrote my book Seeking Happily Ever After exactly for women like you, who are trying to figure out what they really want from a relationship and what feels RIGHT for them. There are many exercises and strategies to help you figure it out in the book. There's so much pressure out there from people saying, "here's what you SHOULD want" or "SHOULD do". But I can tell you that if you really want to be in a relationship right now, it takes more than leaving it up to the universe! You don't have to make it your life's whole focus (nor should you!!) but it does take some effort.


Amen, Rapid City!: I totally concur with Rapid City!

Ellen McCarthy: One vote for Rapid City's sentiments.


Rockville, Md.: "Who needs a ring/dog and pony show that is marriage to show commitment?"

The ring/dog and pony show is the wedding. Marriage is something completely different. One of the strongest marriages I've seen was done by justice of the peace out by Great Falls with the bride, groom, parents and a few friends. One of the weakest (and now ended) marriage had the full sha-bang wedding costing tens of thousands.

Ellen McCarthy: Having been to a few weddings myself, I concur that some of the most meaningful can also be the simplest.


Indianapolis, Ind.: I have lived in seven states and cities as small as Macungie, Pa., and as large as Chicago and Northern Virginia. I say this so my residence in Indianapolis doesn't bias the question.

Are you concerned that your status as a "career woman" with a degree and a very busy job biases your outlook on other women? After all, most men and women in this country do not fall into that category. They have jobs they can "leave" at work after eight or so hours. They have their weekends and many evenings available, etc. It would seem to me that the category of women you seem to be studying is a rarefied, though familiar, stratum.

Michelle Cove: Well, I should point out that I am a career woman who loves my husband, who I married in my thirties, and I also love my job.

I didn't hear one woman in three years tell me that she is just too busy in her career to want/value a relationship. They may have less time to find a boyfriend/husband, but the huge majority of women I talked to want that for themselves. It's more a matter of "how do I find him?" than "why would I want that?"


"Don't need a relationship in my life to feel complete": I wouldn't either if it wasn't for sex! Women need sex too!

Ellen McCarthy: Duly noted.


Washington, D.C.: Why do we never hear the question, "Is today's single, 30-something MAN too career-driven to find true love?"

Ellen McCarthy: This is a fair point, I think.


Fairfax, Va.: I don't think your initial question reflects the experiences of most single people. Contrary to popular belief, the majority of us are not "career obsessed." We're pretty much like everyone else, only we haven't happened to meet that person yet. I think most of us really want that connection, but we expect more from marriage in modern society, so it's not surprising that fewer people will manage to find that.

Michelle Cove: Yes, I actually just answered someone saying exactly that. I didn't meet any women who are so career-obsessed that they are not wanting to find quality man (emphasis on quality). The "I'm too into my career to want a relationship" woman is a media-created myth that I am happy to debunk!


Singleland, USA: I just want to say, as a single lesbian, that I'd kill for a dating pool even half the size of what straight women have.

Ellen McCarthy: Ha. Perspective is everything, isn't it?


RE: Financial freedom: Many women (married and single) are financially independent. In the 1950's women were dependent on their husbands for all money. My mother had credit cards in her single status days. The day she got married and wanted to change her name, the department stores put her HUSBAND'S NAME ON THE ACCOUNT. Her entire credit history was converted into her husband's name.

Financial freedom also IMHO makes women look at marriage more for emotional support than financial. My single friends have well paying jobs, cars and homes. They want marriage for companionship and partnership. Really to me it makes everyone have to step up their game for reasons to get married and even stay married.

Ellen McCarthy: And if you go further back than the 1950's, marriage really was an economic arrangement to large extent. What we want out of this institution has changed a great deal in the last 100 years.


One thing I've learned: No one who wants to be with someone, men or women are too busy with anything (career, life, finding the cure for cancer) that they cannot make time for the other person if they want to. Anyone who says they are too busy, to use that annoying phrase, just ain't that into you.

Michelle Cove: I agree. If something (including a relationship) is important to you, then you make it a priority. Anyone is says "I am too busy" is just NOT that into you, you're right! And if someone tells you they are too busy, let that person go; don't fight for them b/c you don't want to be with someone too busy for you!


Washington, D.C.: In response to: Why do we never hear the question, "Is today's single, 30-something MAN too career-driven to find true love?"

Because sperm doesn't age the same ways eggs do. It's simple fact. Men have more time to reproduce. They can focus their 20s on their careers and their 30s on finding a mate. If they don't marry until 42, they can still father children. A woman's push to get married earlier isn't just about career, it's about biology.

Ellen McCarthy: Thanks for your response.


New York, N.Y.: Yes, feeling the pressure...over 30 and single...I hope to see the film and read the book.

Today's woman is independent and more career-oriented. Getting married is no longer a means of support, the only option. Marriage today is more about emotional needs. We can be more choosy, so can men. Add to the mix that women are on a time constraint if we want to have children. Not sure if there's a question here, this is a difficult situation to be in. I'm not a driven career woman who doesn't have time for a personal life. Personally, it is very hard to meet people as I am a quiet/shy person. But regardless of everything, it is always a challenge to connect with someone.

Michelle Cove: Yes, one thing that I definitely found is, as you point out, the biological clock makes things trickier. There's a lot we independent women can control today but our biological clock isn't one of them (if you want to have a baby the old-fashioned way). That, no doubt, adds more pressure on women. I wish there was an easy answer to this one but right now, there's not. So women who want to have kids have to be mindful of it, and really tune into how important having a baby is for them and what they are and are not prepare to sacrifice for it.


A career won't keep you warm at night or pour you coffee in the morning or toast the end of the day together while you watch the evening news: Hey Mister, how do you and your current wife pay the mortgage if neither of you is allowed to build a career (read: fulfilling work)?

Ellen McCarthy: A practical question...


Fairfax, Va.: I recommend that all women interested in dating commit to asking out five people that they find interesting over the next year. Ask the person out, make the arrangements including the transportation, pay for the date no matter how much the other party wants to split it, and enjoy yourself.

I am a woman who was challenged to do this a year ago, and I have had the best dating year of my life as a result! This challenge really forced me to grow as an individual.

Ellen McCarthy: Interesting! Thanks.


Anonymous: I'm an early 30-something single girl in Washington, and I look forward to watching your documentary. I believe some think it's intentional, this status of being single, when really, I know in my case, I'm busy everyday. I meet a lot of people, my life is full and happy, I throw parties, I attend parties. I travel and have friends all over the world. I love kids. I don't live in a home filled with cats. I eat out and go for drinks maybe five nights a week. I do Pilates and yoga. I wear designer clothes. I am not a shut-in. I work hard and always have time for family.

But to hear others describe me is frightening. I have never been able to develop a defense to why I'm single other than, I just haven't met anyone yet. Was there any way the women you looked at dealt with the questions and the stereotyping by people who probably mean well but say just awful things?

Michelle Cove: Absolutely, you are not alone! And it sounds like you are doing just fine to boot. There are so many women who, like you, would like to find someone but aren't willing to settle for some guy that's not right for them just so they can be hitched. And because of that, these women are called "too picky" and attacked for their choices. In my book, I really encourage women to learn how to tune into their own needs so they can better block out all this "outside" noise telling them they are doing things wrong. I hope you'll come to the D.C. screening!


Portsmouth, N.H.: I was single until the age of 41, and if I could go back in time and talk to my younger self about dating, here's what I'd say: "Find someone who's already happy. Live your life as if you're always going to be single (e.g. fill it up with friends, hobbies, travel). Be open to men who don't fit your list (and we all have one). Work on your career (there are often single men at work) because even if you meet Mr. Right, you'll still want to be able to take care of yourself financially." My 2 cents, for what it's worth!

Ellen McCarthy: Thanks.


Realitytown, USA: I'm sorry, but partnering up with someone is a smart choice in this recession -- counting on one income can be a fast track to poverty nowadays.Fellow single women: Don't let romantic notions send you to the poorhouse!

Ellen McCarthy: But divorce can be expensive too, no?


Old timer: Back in my youth, young women who attended college took husband-hunting seriously, even if they were planning to pursue a career following marriage. Although the male-female ratio isn't what it used to be, there's still a critical mass of young males in college nowadays to choose among. Isn't the real problem that too many young women are waiting too long to start seriously looking for a husband?

Ellen McCarthy: You certainly have a point that people are waiting longer to marry. And that's changed the way many people meet their spouses.


D.C.: I'm in my late-20s and I am very open to dating. I'm not interested in marriage or children now (or possibly not at all). I put myself in situations where I should be meeting men, such as volunteering, attending public speaking events, being involved in different hobbies, speed-dating, etc., but it's not happening for me. I feel the only men who approach me are rude, vulgar and use sexual come-ons as opposed to talking to me like a human being. Because I don't want to date a scrub, I'd rather be single than settle, but I get lonely. It makes me wonder why do the men who think "Ooh, girl, you make a -expletive] wanna -expletive]" is a normal approach, but I can't get a guy to approach me with a simple hello? I feel invisible to nice guys but feel like a magnet for jerks.

I'm a black woman who is open to dating anyone, regardless of race, but I feel that there aren't too many men in this area who are open to dating inter-racially, or who assume that I only date black men. If I make eye contact with a non-black man walking on the street, he reacts as if I'm Medusa. I know I'm not that bad! I feel like I'm a good catch and I wish someone would see that.

All said, what can I do to make myself more approachable to nice men?

Michelle Cove: I'm sure you are a good catch!

I know it can get frustrating and lonely. Totally normal.

I think you keep doing what you are doing, going to events where you are going to get something from it regardless of whether Mr. Right is attending. I think online dating can be great, if you are really clear about your criteria and non-negotiables (I talk about how to hone this in my book). Let friends know you are looking (and make sure they too understand what type of man would be good for you!). And keep focusing on things that make you feel good about yourself and that have nothing to do with man! That's a really big keep to "happily ever after" in my book, doing things that make you feel good about who you are, lonely or not.


Re: not that into you...: My then boyfriend (now husband) was shocked when I told him he was free to date anyone he wanted (after we'd been together for a couple of months or so). He looked at me funny. Then I finished the sentence: you just can't come back and date -me-. I didn't want anyone who didn't want me more than someone else. Same goes now, but it'll cost him more, I suppose...

Ellen McCarthy: We always have choices in life.


Northern Virginia: Your reply to the anonymous commenter with a full life was great. I feel her life is similar to mine and the answer helps me out as well. No one should have to settle for less than what they are.

Ellen McCarthy: Thanks.


On another note...: You want to be supportive of your S.O. and find a balance. Maybe their careers involve travel, working and school or sometimes hard to work with schedules? So what? Look at what's happening in our world. If you have someone you enjoy spending time with, even if its only two or three nights/days a week, isn't that wonderful? Sometimes people are too hard on each other -- go with the flow and the paybacks are well worth it.

Ellen McCarthy: Great thought. Thank you.


Divorce is SO expensive: Getting married because of the economy is incredibly stupid. It's so expensive to get divorced I know A LOT of couples who can't get divorced because they cannot afford it and are stuck living in the same home in separate rooms.

Ellen McCarthy: Yeah. I think any divorce lawyer would agree.


Falls Church, Va.: Men when they get older get more set in their ways. My older buddies value golf more than a relationship. When a guy gets over 40-something, he stops chasing. If a lady wants a guy, she will be the one who has to chase. The only time a guy chases over 40 is if she is much younger and that doesn't last. If a woman in late-30s and older wants a relationship, she is going to have to pursue it. The guys are happy with golf and football.

Michelle Cove: I don't know about that. I spoke to many men in their late 30s/40s during my research who were really eager to find someone and, in fact, feeling a lot of pressure from family and friends to settle down. I also heard from a lot of men that they worry about THEIR biological clock, which was news to me!

If there are men putting golf before a relationship, I'm thinking those are not the guys to invest energy into! Unless those guys want to invite a woman to play with them some time on the course.


"I didn't hear one woman in three years tell me that she is just too busy in her career to want/value a relationship.": I'm afraid I have. A few years ago one former girlfriend got a promotion at work, and over the next few months, had less and less time for our relationship. In the end, she chose her career over our relationship -- and she also admitted at one point that her career made her forgot how she felt about me.

So I guess what I'm saying is, it does happen. And probably more than we realize.

Ellen McCarthy: Thank you.


Rights-ville, Md.: Hear hear regarding staying open to someone if you aren't 100 percent sure you're attracted to someone. Case in point: I wasn't initially attracted to my (shorter, balding) boyfriend, but by our third date of fascinating conversation and connection, I had completely revised my thinking. He's never going to be mistaken for the basketball player of my prior dreams, but he's amazing, sexy and I feel lucky to have met him.

Michelle Cove: Fantastic! See? It's that third date thing. I think so much of it is not about looks necessarily, but about the energy someone has across the table.

When I was online dating, I dated a few really handsome men who came across as really "flat" in person and I quickly lost interest. But I also dated men who weren't standard handsome, and they were so smart/funny that they quickly became attractive. Chemistry sure can be unpredictable.


Washington, D.C.: I am interested in what you found out about the tension between still "looking" and wanting to be a married person and being settled and engaged in a purposeful single life.

Ellen McCarthy: Great question. I always find it ironic when people tell single folks that they'll find "the one" when they stop looking.


To D.C.: Stop worrying about making yourself more approachable, and start approaching nice men you are interested in going on a date with.

Ellen McCarthy: Some advice...


What I'd tell my self of 10 years ago: Don't be afraid to show interest in a man, even ask him for coffee. At worst, you'll get a "no thanks" and be alone tonight, which is guaranteed what you'll be if you don't try. I just found out a guy I'd crushed on for years had the same feelings, but neither of us had the nerve to do anything, misread leads, etc. Now it's too late and I'm almost 50.

Ellen McCarthy: I like this advice. But why is it too late?


I don't think women today are less interested in marriage: It's just that their reason for wanting marriage is different. We don't need financial support. We want a life partner, emotional support, a freind, companionship. We're not looking for financial support, but we still want a man.

Ellen McCarthy: Gotcha. Thanks.


Reston, Va.: My experiences have always been: Guy finds me attractive and pursue). If said guy happens to "hit me like a lightning bolt" pretty quickly, I accept the date. Date for six months or more, ends badly (someone gets hurt, usually me).

I got sick of that and decided not to bother anymore after the last one that really hit me hard. I've never been happier. Lotta friends, lotta travel, good job and my pets.

Seven years and I don't see any need to relive the nightmare of dating. I have a bucket list and the things on that list (all "non-guy-related") are way more interesting than anything I would find in a relationship.

Am I weird? Cynical? Is this what you see and hear a lot?

Michelle Cove: You are not weird. And it's wonderful that you are happy! So if you're truly content, keep living your life. But I also hear that the "bolt of lightening" tactic isn't working so great for you. Also, I do not think dating has to be such a nightmare.

It sounds like it might be worthwhile for you to explore what makes men attractive you on a gut level, and then whether those men are GOOD for you. (I have strategies in my book, if you're interested.) From there, you can start teasing together criteria in a guy that would be healthier/happier for you. It takes some work, but I think it's really worthwhile work. Again, this is just if you WANT to be dating but want a way that feels better for you. Thanks for writing!


Washington, D.C.: This has nothing to do with being career-driven. Women do not want to settle anymore just to either be in relationship or get married. Women are now defined by who they are as people not by the guy they are with.

Michelle Cove: Hear, hear! That's exactly right. As long as women have some financial independence, there is no reason they need to settle. The story of happily-ever-after is changing!


Single 30s in D.C.: I certainly don't think everyone has to be married and have kids. Overall, the majority of women in their 30s I know have wonderful lives. Good jobs, good friends, have interests and are active people (great lives by many standards). But I also know that I want to have a companion for life. I'm looking for someone to build a life with and to become my family as I go through life. What mainly gets me about dating is how people seem to treat one another. Honesty and treating people as you would want to be treated seems mostly to have gone out the window. I was just wondering if your research showed this to be a trend (one I'm hoping will change)?

Ellen McCarthy: I really hope you continue to insist on honesty and respect. Hopefully by putting that out in the world, the favor will be returned.


Isn't the real problem that too many young women are waiting too long to start seriously looking for a husband?: You've made it a commodity trade void of emotions.

Michelle Cove: I think many women are taking more time to know themselves better and know what type of partner to look for. They aren't rushing into marriage because "everyone is doing it."

How does that make it a commodity trade void of emotions?


Reston again: I should mention this: I have friends and family who simply don't even bring up the topic of "when are you going to get married". They accept me for who I am, I have never felt pressured.

In fact I'd say both of my parents have the attitude of "you go girl!" for staying single. I am fortunate to have a great job which pays for all my whims - but even before that, I didn't feel the pressure to "find a guy".

Having totally non-judgmental parents who are just happy to see you happy has to be helpful.

Michelle Cove: This makes me so happy!!! I hope other folks are reading this right now...


Closing in on 40: Like the contributor who wrote what she'd say to her younger self, I would add: Try not to focus on 40 as a death sentence of single-dom (kids or no kids). My wake up call was two years ago, a painful break-up, and I have not found another boyfriend yet. But, I've spent that time reflecting, engaging more in life and trying to give myself a break. For the ladies over 35, I highly recommend giving yourself a break.

Ellen McCarthy: Hear, hear! Thank you.


Washington, D.C.: Interesting article -- I have a couple of questions: Was there a difference between races (i.e., it seems that for women of color our choices for men are a lot less than other races)?. Also what about the women that are married, but not happy. I have a lot of friends that are married, but would much rather be single -- I guess the grass always appear greener on the other side.

Michelle Cove: I did not see a difference between races amongst the women I interviewed in terms of their feelings/desires. But yes, I was told by plenty of women of color that it felt very hard to find suitable men.

Yes, the grass is always greener...if you don't take the time to make yourself a whole person, single or married. And then the grass is just fine.


DC black woman: To D.C.: I used to be one who approached men, but I constantly got rejected by them. I've completely forgotten how to approach them since I stopped doing that due to fear. It's time to get back on the track of doing that...thanks for the advice.

I just wanted to comment that there are online sites geared towards black women who date inter-racially, and their advice is to NOT approach men. "Don't pursue, be pursued!" they say. I've never agreed with that advice and think that's the reason black women like me are still single.

Ellen McCarthy: Thanks for this.


Ellen McCarthy: Thanks for a great discussion. There were way too many questions to answer, so we'll have to have Michelle back again. And be sure to catch her in DC at the Sixth and I Synagogue on Oct 27!


Editor's Note: washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions. washingtonpost.com is not responsible for any content posted by third parties.

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