Style Invitational contest Week 907: Naming rite - plus the results of our 'joint legislation' contest
The Customer Service Penalty Box at Verizon Center
The Sarah Palin Anchor on the USS John S. McCain
News last month that Metro was considering selling commercial naming rights to its train stations set off a flurry of waggish suggestions such as Big MacPherson Square, Burger King Street, etc. Invite-on-the-Brain Loser Kevin Dopart suggests we take the practice further: This week: Come up with a creative, somehow fitting sponsor for some public facility or part of one, as in Kevin's examples above.
Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a packet of Instant Underpants, a white disk that you soak in water to get . . . a pair of soaking-wet disposable underpants. Donated by Uberloser Russell Beland, who may well be wearing a pair right now in his big-shot Pentagon office.
Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). E-mail entries to firstname.lastname@example.org or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Feb. 21; results to be published March 13 (March 11 online). Put "Week 907" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it may be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Please see washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational for more rules and guidelines. The revised title for next week's results is by Judy Blanchard; this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Nan Reiner.
Report from Week 903
our biennial contest to create "joint legislation" by combining the names of two or more freshman members of Congress: As usual, some of the more than 1,000 entries were utterly undecipherable; others came with helpful keys that explained, for example, that "Roby Pearce Pompeo Paul" should be read as "Rob Peter to pay Paul." The following are much more valid, but if some of these bills still stymie you, see the same list with translations here.
The winner of the inker
The Yoder-Scott-Toomey Environmental Health Act to prevent stores at mall entrances from gassing customers with clouds of perfume. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)
2 Winner of the set of prints of the "Golden Girls" actresses as zombies: The Duncan-Meehan-Ellmers Act to broaden the standards for what constitutes a chemical peel. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)
3 The Duncan-Pearce Act to reform CIA interrogation techniques. (Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City)
4 The Johnson-Hanabusa Act, which would make self-gratification a federal crime. (Matt Kane, New York, a First Offender)
Statutes with limitations: honorable mentions
Adams-Ribble-Walsh-Landry Act adding to legal duties for married women, joining cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping and childbirth (a.k.a. the Offense of Marriage Act) (Dave Zarrow, Reston)
Barletta-Young-Boozman-Hanna-Gibson-Toomey Act prohibiting underage bartenders. (Steve Glomb, Alexandria)