Anywhere but 'Here on Earth' By Desson Howe Washington Post Staff Writer Friday, March 24, 2000

Chris Klein and Leelee Sobieski fall in love in "Here on Earth." (20th Century Fox)

I'm talking about "Here on Earth," whose lazily conceived characters and fatuous story line initially cause the motors in your brain to idle to park-mode. Then, long after your head has slumped forward in a stupor, with the ending almost in sight, the movie turns onto Three-Hankie Lane.

Whoa, you wonder. Where did that come from? Did screenwriter Michael Seitzman suddenly rent a copy of "Terms of Endearment" for inspiration, right before he sat down to write Act III? Suddenly, it's a whole different movie, about the value of living happily and not wasting time with the wrong people. After 97 minutes with Seitzman's characters, I know what he means.

So, what's the call on a writing job like that? I'd say double foul.

A bratty preppy named Kelley Morse (Chris Klein) is on the verge of graduation from his tony prep school in the Berkshires. Rich Dad sends him a sports car. Principal says he can't drive it till he's out of school. Kelley says forget that, invites two pals out for a night spin.

They go slumming at the local diner – you know, where all the poorer, rural but decent people with family values tend to graze – and obnoxious Kelley gets into a fight. The issue: Samantha (Leelee Sobieski), a classy, cool waitress who happens to be going out with Jasper (Josh Hartnett), a person who's eminently more appealing than Kelley. Improbably, Samantha isn't too disgusted at Kelley's arrogant ways. In fact, for the rest of the movie, she will smirk, smile, blush and salivate at the corners of her mouth every time she lays eyes on this muscular narcissistic meathead. I think there's medication for that now.

It gets ugly in Mable's Table. Kelley and Jasper get into a shoving match over Sam. After Kelley's kicked out, Jasper follows. They start a drag race along country roads with mind-exploding rock music on the soundtrack. They circle and come back to this little one-diner town. Boom! No one dies, but they smack into a gas pump, which produces a spectacular fireball. The gas station and the diner are real estate toast.

The judge orders Kelley and Jasper to work on the reconstruction, side by side. And it's time for heaving, seething, cue-the-soft-rock love triangle, involving Rich Boy, Poor Boy and Can't-Make-Up-Her-Mind Samantha. We move into romantic country with hilariously bad courtship between Kelley and Samantha. It turns out Kelley, the most superficial, status-conscious, arrogant brat on the eastern seaboard, has a tender spot for Robert Frost's poetry. Oh that's believable. Credible or not, it really touches Samantha. And speaking of touching, my favorite bad scene is when Kelley kisses his way up Samantha's body, naming a state for each part. Keep your eyes peeled for New York and New Jersey.

Sobieski, who starred in the Merchant/Ivory production, "A Soldier's Daughter Never Cries," presumably has higher aspirations. So it's hard to understand why she'd get involved in this kitschy affair. If "Here on Earth" has any useful purpose, it's to showcase her potential as a leading twentysomething – and what a shortchanging she gets here. And Hartnett, who's easily the more appealing of the two male characters, could also have a great career as an offbeat leading man. What? Suddenly I'm a casting director? Never mind. Just trying to find the positive. As for that "twist" in the story, let's just say it doesn't do much more than strangle what waning life there was in the movie in the first place.

HERE ON EARTH (PG-13, 97 minutes) – Contains sexual situations and strong language.