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Get Ready to Grumble

By Michael O'Sullivan
Washington Post Staff Writer
Friday, April 7, 2000


    'Ready to Rumble' Scott Caan, David Arquette and Goldberg in "Ready to Rumble." (Warner Bros.)
Field report from Zarpac-7, Planet Earth Outpost (Week 304):

Continued to observe more of the group behavior previously identified as "professional wrestling," a bizarre yet popular ritual in which masked and costumed males of the human species make a pretense of combat in front of large numbers of highly vocal spectators. Although their purpose has not yet been ascertained, the demonstrations appear to have, as outlined in my earlier reports, some sort of mating function, since these elaborately choreographed displays of masculine prowess are often accompanied by well-endowed females moving their secondary sexual characteristics up and down (allow me to refer you to my colleague Fremulon-13's report from Week 75 on "professional football" and "cheerleading").

In a related sighting, have witnessed large groups of earthlings assembled in darkened chambers called "multiplexes" to watch moving images projected on a screen while consuming glucose and sodium-based food products. Most recent episode concerned a celluloid projection labeled "Ready to Rumble," whose subject matter appears to correlate directly to the above behavior.

Appearing on the screen was the widely known personage called "David Arquette," yet another replicant from what we have determined to be a sort of royal family of android earthlings. In the so-called "comedy" (a performance designed to elicit "laughter," the rapid intake and expulsion of oxygen from the lungs), Arquette and a lesser-known personage named "Scott Caan" pretended to be characters of low intelligence and refinement, as demonstrated by their naive belief in the realism of professional wrestling and by their occupation as handlers of raw sewage (see discussion of "geeks" and "losers" in my first report).

When Gordie and Sean (pseudonymous "characters" adopted by Arquette and Caan) discover that a favored wrestler has lost in battle against Diamond Dallas Page (apparently some sort of deity here, since he plays himself), the two losers set out to restore their hero to power. Am at a loss, however, to explain the appearance of the personage known as "Oliver Platt" as the wrestling hero, since tricorder readings indicate an unusually large amount of subcutaneous adipose tissue ("fat") under his "leotard" (a tight-fitting elastic garment of spandex). Unlike the other half-naked deities making appearances from the religious cult of "World Championship Wrestling" ("Goldberg" and "Sting," among others) Platt is not known for his physique or athletic ability.

Although multiplex events such as this call for further study, those filled with copious ritualized violence and references to feces and copulation are traditionally met with much financial success (see my report on "Adam Sandler" from Week 12). Nevertheless, our research team was surprised to observe the audience in this instance take in the proceedings with a sobriety normally associated with the internment of a loved one, or "funeral."

Conclusion: Based on this promising – though contradictory – early data, there appears to be hope after all that earthlings will one day develop into intelligent life forms.

READY TO RUMBLE (PG-13, 107 minutes) – Contains staged violence, medium-strength obscenity, exposure to the male gluteus maximus and frequent allusions to the elimination of bodily waste.


© Copyright 2000 The Washington Post Company

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